Josh Hawley is this conservative wingnut guy who wants to take Democratic Senator Claire McCaskill’s job. While McCaskill might be vulnerable at any other time, first of all Democrats are showing the fuck up to vote this year, and also it’s kinda stinky to be running as a GOP candidate for Senate in a state where the GOP governor’s a giant abusive pervert who’s about to face charges while still remaining governor.
But there are three things we did not know about Josh Hawley, because we weren’t paying attention. First of all, Josh Hawley is hot. Second, he dresses far too well for his alleged heterosexuality. Third, as Politico reports, dude seems to be FAR TOO BUSY working out his sexxx legs and being all “IT’S WINE-THIRTY, LADIES!” to actually do the work of trying to win the race.
The complaints seem to be that he didn’t show up for a recent GOP primary debate, even though he is the leading candidate, and also it is hard to get him to show up for radio appearances and like, such as. According to Politico, this is probably because he is too busying getting caught on tape buying wine in the middle of the day last September, and because he goes to the gym sometimes.
Politico also notes that Hawley was “pressured” into running for the Senate, so maybe he is just being a lazy jerk-off because he doesn’t want to be doing this anyway.
Let’s look at brah’s Instagram page and see how busy he is doing everything but the thing he’s supposed to be doing! UH OH, here he is pumping his body last November, instead of doing traditional Republican things like stickin’ it to the liberals by stealing their food in the checkout line at Whole Foods (that’s right, Tomi Lahren, we see you out there being an idiot and we have no interest in giving you the attention you crave):
Politico also shares this photo of Hawley doing his buttock crunches at the gym, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY:
Oh no, and here he is saying Happy Mother’s Day to his mom instead of kicking grandma off a cliff like a common Paul Ryan, allegedly:
And here he is with the president of the Mizzou College Republicans, who is some twink, we guess. DID CAMPAIGN DONORS PAY FOR THIS CAVORTING?
And here is Josh Hawley at “Donuts with Dad” day at his kids’ preschool, like come on, Mister Republican candidate, shouldn’t you be out saying something sexist about how the sexual revolution turned all the ladies into a buncha sluts who can’t even keep an Aspirin between their knees?
Oh great, now he’s just hanging out with the president, another lazy ass who works like an hour a day before going back upstairs to yell at clouds:
In this picture, we learn Josh Hawley is too lazy to even turn his phone around to take a selfie while he watches the Super Bowl with his wife. Loser.
Well, we think we’ve solved the mystery, and it is that Josh Hawley thinks he can just skate into the United States Senate like a common person who skates into places instead of PULLING THEMSELVES UP BY THEIR BOOTSTRAPS, MOTHERFUCKER and earning it. What’s a matter, bro? YOU WANT A HANDOUT OR SOMETHING?
Pfffffffffft, maybe while pretty boy is lyin’ around on his ass he can make Wonkette a sammich and pour us a glass of the wine he buys all day like a common brunch queen.
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