Look, maybe would-be academical types will never get a tenure-track job at a major university, or even a minor one, and maybe the trend of hiring adjuncts instead of even offering tenure is continuing as the devaluation of PhDs continues, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get a fairly good job in higher education. Especially if you’re looking for work in one of the two most rapidly growing job specialties on campus: Data analysts and campus cops. In fresh news from the College and University Professional Association for Human Resources (and who among us wouldn’t proudly put a CUPAHR sticker on our car?), as reported by the Chronicle of Higher Education, we learn that hiring for campus police and public-safety job openings have skyrocketed from
1,077 to 1,403 positions at surveyed colleges from 2017 to 2018, an increase of 30-percent.
It’s all pretty good news for dedicated, professional folks who don’t mind showing up in social media posts after being called by panicky white people to investigate a black grad student napping in the common room of her own goddamned dormitory, or maybe called to check out dangerously non-white Native American teens on a campus tour they had signed up for but joined late. (They were also not willing to shout out answers to the white lady who demanded they explain themselves, as terrorists and well-behaved Native American kids sometimes do).
Mind you, in both of those cases, the campus cops were mostly just doing their jobs, fairly professionally, and both universities apologized for the incidents, which were precipitated by nervous white people. “Dealing with panicky whites” would definitely be a valuable job skill, as would not being a panicky white. Especially considering the potentially lethal consequences of the latter, like that time when a University of Cincinnati campus cop killed an unarmed black motorist during a traffic stop, then, after two juries deadlocked in his murder trials, had the charges dropped and collected a $350,000 settlement for getting fired. That’s pretty unusual, though, so prospective campus cops shouldn’t go counting their settlement money before shooting an unarmed black guy.
Other important skills include making sure the black kids you pull your gun on are not the offspring of New York Times columnists, being photogenic enough to become a meme after you casually pepper-spray protesters, and occasionally arresting dipshit columnists for the Gateway Pundit after they assault students for taking their speeches away. You won’t find thrills like that in data analysis, we can assure you.
Luckily, you won’t have to remember what Henry Louis Gates looks like, since he was arrested by a city cop from Cambridge, not a Harvard campus cop, hooray!
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