LORD HAVE MERCY the leaks continue to spill about Vanessa Trump, who is in the process of divorcing the unfortunate science experiment that happened the first time Donald Trump participated in human reproduction. Apparently things have been getting kinda stinky in divorce-y town, and because the Trumps are a nasty family, they’ve been leaking stuff (allegedly!) about Vanessa to the New York Post. For instance, last time we had a story about this, it was a thing about how Vanessa Trump used to date MS-13’s big brother or something, and you know how jittery Daddy Trump is about the Hispanics.
We originally saw this story in Vanity Fair, but don’t worry, because it came from Page Six originally, so we can be PURTY SURE it was leaked by either Donald Trump Jr., or his publicist, John Barron Jr. The new news is that Vanessa had ANOTHER interesting boyfriend before she got trapped underneath a Trump grundle and couldn’t get out for over a decade, and he was a Saudi Arabian Prince!
Let’s look at the Vanity Fair headline, which is written in the style of Just Asking Questions:
OMG DID IT? Vanity Fair, you should be ASHAMED of yourself.
Let’s see how Page Six does it:
That is … vaguely less tacky than the VF headline? Weird!
Anyway, so we are getting to the heart of the story. Vanessa Trump dated MS-13, but then they broke up, and she was going to marry a Saudi Arabian, which may have caused 9/11 or something, according to our extremely lazy reading of the Vanity Fair headline. But isn’t that the point, though? Hell, maybe Rudy Giuliani leaked this story himself and actually provided the noun “Vanessa Trump” to go with the verb and “9/11.”
Here is the meat of the story, from Page Six:
Vanessa Trump moved on to a Saudi prince — whose father was once suspected of indirect ties to the 9/11 attackers — after her romances with Latin King Valentin Rivera and Leo DiCaprio.
Gotcha, you betcha. Vanessa Trump was dating the Latin gang member, and also this twit from the Titanic movie, but after that, she moved on to what she really wanted, which was somebody who was maybe connected to the 9/11 hijackers.
Sources told Page Six …
… that Vanessa and Prince Khalid bin Bandar bin Sultan Al Saud were even planning to marry until the Sept. 11 attacks.
“They dated from 1998 to 2001 and lived together. He ditched her on 9/11; days after, he flew back to Saudi Arabia. They were planning to marry [at the time]. They were inseparable,” a source told Page Six.
Aw that sucks. If she had stayed with the Saudi prince, maybe none of the rest of the awfulness would have ever happened. By the way, her Saudi ex-boyfriend Bandar bin Sultan al Saud is the son of the one they call Bandar Bush, due to how he used to make out with George W. Bush and his dad a lot, that’s how close they all are. So if he’s connected to 9/11, so are the Bushes. (And no, you idiots, that is not a Truther comment, that is just a fact about how incestuous stuff is when you get into the big money AWL BID’NESS.)
Page Six assesses that this was the height of Vanessa Trump’s dating/marriage career, because the gang member was gross, and clearly no human in their right mind congregates with Donald Trump Jr.’s penis because that’s their first choice in life, whereas this Saudi prince was the bees knees, a guy who really, really loved her.
Maybe she should give him a ringy dingy and see what’s up these days. If she lost his phone number, she could probably get it from that Saudi prince Jared Kushner has sleepovers with, OH MY GOD THESE FUCKING PEOPLE.
Page Six throws some cold water on that idea, though. First of all, they talked to another “source” who said actually Bandar Junior ‘n’ Vanessa weren’t really sitting in a tree that hard, and besides, Bandar married some British gal named Lucy a few years back. (Meanwhile, DADDY BANDAR was one of the ones arrested in the purge started by Jared Kushner’s Saudi BFF, possibly based on intel Jared leaked at him. Did we finish the last paragraph with OH MY GOD THESE FUCKING PEOPLE? Oh well, doing it again.)
Finally, for no reason at all, Page Six reminds us that Vanessa Trump has hundreds of millions of dollars in Marinara Money, because her family is like the emperor of marinara or something.
In related news, HuffPost’s Ashley Feinberg noticed something kinda weird on Junior’s Instagram, and it is that his new girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle is liking pictures of HIS CHILDREN, before mommy and daddy’s divorce is even final:
Bless her heart, that is some tacky shit.
We know the Trumps are famous for their nondisclosure agreements, which is why we hope Vanessa Trump’s lawyers are inserting loopholes big enough to drive a Mack truck through, so she can give us a tell all book when this is all done.
She deserves it.
OK, open thread, GO!
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