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Gonna fuck you up!
Gonna fuck you up!

Thursday will be the first birthday of the Robert Mueller investigation into how Russia stole American democracy and gave it to this lumpy orange thing! And oh what a year it has been! What’s that meme that’s going around? Something about how the Ken Starr investigation into Bill Clinton lasted many years and all they found was some jizz, and there were 7,000 Benghazi Email Hillary investigations, all of which turned up jackshit, and yet in one year of Mueller, we have 22 indictments or plea deals, with many more to come? We’re pretty sure we have seen that meme on the internet, in response to Trump idiots saying “Nothing to see here, folks!”

The Washington Post has a great piece about the status of the Mueller investigation, specifically on the Trump side of things, and it is about how, now that Trump finally has in Rudy Giuliani a lawyer whose brain is as good at his, they are going to GO TO WAR. (Because they weren’t doing that before!) Because, you see, President Dumpster Butt is VERY MAD RIGHT NOW:

The president vents to associates about the FBI raids on his personal attorney Michael Cohen — as often as “20 times a day,” in the estimation of one confidant — and they frequently listen in silence, knowing little they say will soothe him. Trump gripes that he needs better “TV lawyers” to defend him on cable news and is impatient to halt the “witch hunt” that he says undermines his legitimacy as president. And he plots his battle plans with former New York mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, his new legal consigliere.

“We’re on the same wavelength,” Giuliani said. “We’ve gone from defense to offense.”

They are on the same wavelength all the time, except for every five seconds when Giuliani goes on TV and bones one of the various legal cases against the president. But other than that, it’s great! More TV lawyers like Rudy Giuliani please, as they make yr Wonkette laugh and laugh! Or maybe they could get a “TV lawyer” like Michael Avenatti, oh wait, a lawyer that qualified wouldn’t be willing to defend Trump.

Speaking of Giuliani, the AP reports that he’s now saying they don’t want to even think about a Mueller interview until after his VERY IMPORTANT MEETING with Kim Jong Un, because come on, we wouldn’t want Trump to be MAKING WORLD PEACE but then all of a sudden get distracted and upset about the Russia investigation and start tweeting about “wire tapps!”

According to Trump’s buddy Christopher Ruddy, it’s not that the investigation upsets Trump so much because he’s so very fucking guilty — he’s only acting like he’s acting because he really sucks at life:

“No. This is Donald Trump’s personality. He just has to respond. He’s been so emotional. . . . It takes a toll on him, and the way he deals with it is to lash out.”

Perhaps his big ass could take up yoga. Or maybe whenever he’s feeling sad about the investigation, instead of tweeting, he could just eat 50,000 Big Macs. Except for according to WaPo, he’s not even allowed to do that right now:

The two men huddled for five hours May 6 at Trump National Golf Club in Virginia, Giuliani said, eating a Cobb salad (Giuliani) and a well-done burger (Trump) with half a bun in service to his health.

“I do that, too, sometimes,” Giuliani said about the half-bun. “It’s a good way to do it.”

We literally only included that passage out of sheer meanness. It adds zero to the plot of this post. Sorry/not sorry.

Natasha Bertrand has a great new piece in The Atlantic about what Robert Mueller himself is up to, and just how YOOGE and BIGLY the investigation really is. The short version is that Mueller is still detaining people we’ve never heard of, including an associate of Joseph Mifsud, the perfesser who told George Papadopoulos that Russia was going to fuck Hillary Clinton the fuck up in the election by using hacked emails, information Pap immediately went and drunk-spilled all over an Australian diplomat, which was what started the FBI’s counterintel investigation into the Trump campaign in 2016. That associate, Stephan Roh, is a German with deep Russian ties, and he has a book coming out about how the whole investigation is FAKE NEWS and Papadopoulos was obviously a spy sent into the Trump campaign by the DEEP STATE, in order to trick them into doing conspiracies with Russia.

Don’t laugh, these people are human beings and it hurts their feelings when you laugh at them like that.

Point is, Mueller’s team is doing more than we could possibly imagine right now. As WaPo reminds us, last week’s news about Michael Cohen’s slush fund sex payoff bribes wasn’t news to Mueller, who was talking to AT&T and Novartis about their payments to Trump in November 2017. Doing some back of the napkin math, that means stuff Mueller is doing RIGHT NOW might not even come out in the news until after the midterms. Will there even BE an America after the midterms? Who knows! (Not if Democrats don’t win.)

Regardless, with this first birthday approaching, we think this week would be a good time for Robert Mueller to do some more indictments, because those are our favorite! How’s that Cohen case going? We’d take a perp walk from Michael Cohen!

Or Erik Prince.

Or … OOH! OOH! DEVIN NUNES!

Point is, Robert Mueller, it is your birthday, and we want you to party like it is your birthday. With indictments.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[Washington Post]

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