YAY, Donald Trump’s dashing boyfriend is in town! They say French President Emmanuel Macron is the “Trump whisperer” and oh boy, they are right! This state visit hasn’t been as weird as when Trump went to France and did a handshake contest with Macron for approximately 40 minutes while their wives were like “gah, get a sex dungeon for aggressive homoerotic S&M handshakes.” It’s been much sweeter than that this time, because now they’re more comfortable and intimate together, and they don’t need to compete quite so hard for who can play grabby-hands the longest. (At least they haven’t done that in public.)
It’s not that there were NO weird handshakes between Trump and Macron. There were weird handshakes, clearly:
— Chris Cillizza (@CillizzaCNN) April 24, 2018
The day started with Donald and Melania Trump greeting Emmanuel and Brigitte Macron at the White House, so that Trump and Macron could take a walk on the White House lawn and “review the troops,” if that is what the kids are even calling it these days. To be sure, it wasn’t the YOOGE BIGLY military parade Trump got to watch in France, the one he talked about for three straight months afterward, but we’re sure Trump’s parade will be special in its own way, when it happens. (We plan to not cover it, under any circumstances.)
Here is a video of Donald and Melania waiting for the Macrons this morning. Please watch Donald’s pinky finger, as he begs for human contact with his wife, who hates him:
Look at the tentative way he begs for her hand with his little pinky. She legit HATES himpic.twitter.com/8dKlDTVcG8
— Nooruddean (@BeardedGenius) April 24, 2018
Later, in the Oval Office, Trump and Macron talked about important stuff like the Iran deal. Trump wanted to pull out, but Macron was like “no baby don’t pull out, let’s do a BIGGER deal, just you and me together!” and then pretended to let Trump beat him in an arm-wrestling contest (allegedly), which really got Trump going (allegedly).
Also Trump groomed Macron:
“When the aging gorilla is confronted with the much more virile, new alpha-male, he shows submissiveness by grooming the alpha-male, but the gesture is actually a vain attempt by the old gorilla to humiliate his much younger rival.”
— Jane Goodall
— Mrs. Betty Bowers (@BettyBowers) April 24, 2018
Isn’t that sweet how Trump brushed “dandruff” off of Macron’s shoulder because he wants Macron to be “perfect,” and then added, for good measure, that Macron is already perfect the way he is? This is all giving us so many feels, we almost don’t miss Obama being president anymore, just kidding, COME BACK, OBAMA, WE ARE DYING HERE.
Now, we said above that there was no million-year-long handshake, and it’s true, there was not. But during their joint press conference, Donald Trump and Emmanuel Macron did share another weird yet loving and silly attempt at a handshake. It went like this:
President Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron share a truly cringeworthy moment. pic.twitter.com/HFMicye0H8
— HuffPost (@HuffPost) April 24, 2018
Isn’t that precious? They shook hands ALL OVER THE PLACE, and then once their skin had separated, Trump told everybody, “I like him a lot!” (OBVIOUSLY), at which point Macron reached over and play-smacked Trump like “Oh, YOU!” This is the most normal-est official state visit ever.
At the end of the presser, the two men walked away together, Macron with his hand on Trump’s shoulder the WHOLE TIME UNTIL THEY WERE OUT OF SIGHT, as if to say, “As long as I am touching you, I control you, old man.” If only they could be touching each other forever! Perhaps Trump could hire Macron as his new chief of staff (Kelly, YOU’RE FIRED!) and VA secretary and body man (MEOW!) and whatever other White House jobs come free this week, we’re sure there are bound to be a few more openings by Friday.
Afterward, Emmanuel Macron was forced to go dine with pathetic dork Mike Pence at the State Department, and Pence was like “Can I be VICE president of snuggling with you?”
But unfortunately Macron was like “Bro, I am only pretending to be into him, why do you think I would ruin that game by pretending to be into you too? Also I heard you call your wife Mother, which is just weird. I don’t even call my wife that and I SEDUCED HER WHEN SHE WAS MY HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER.”
Just kidding, we don’t know what the fuck they said, we weren’t listening.
Anyway, this has been a blog post about how the French president is hot and charming and can literally get the American president to do anything for him, because Donald Trump is stupid and vain and selfish and will do anything if you scratch his belly and treat him like he’s pretty, even though he’s actually physically repulsive.
America, the world isn’t laughing AT us, they are laughing WITH us. Yep, that’s it, that’s what’s going on here.
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