Many people (too many people) are spending their day stewing about James Comey’s big interview with George Snuffleupagus on the ABC News network. Donald Trump is having a perpetual motion shitfit on Twitter, former attorney general Loretta Lynch is releasing statements, the news WILL NOT SHUT UP, and of course Trump’s howler monkeys are on the TV talking about how Comey is the LYING LEAKER who does LEAKY LIES, and therefore should not ever be trusted. Kellyanne Conway has particularly been twisting herself in knots in this regard, somehow explaining that Comey shouldn’t be listened to because he “swung an election,” which … well, Wonkette agrees, Kellyanne! So does Hillary Rodham Goddamn Clinton! But we do not think K-Con meant it the way we mean it, and we are not even sure she knows what in the hell she was trying to say.
But do not think the contest is over for which Trump idiot can say the dumbest shit on TV about Jim Comey, because Corey Lewandowski would like to throw his hat in the ring:
This is the same Jim Comey who I THINK was in charge of the Boston bombing at the time where we had a terrorist attack in Boston. So this is a man who failed time and time and time again, when he was the head of the FBI, to protect American citizens and now he wants to say that the president of the United States, a duly elected president, is a mob boss? Look, Jim Comey has no credibility and he lost all of his credibility when he lied under oath before Congress.
Comey did not lie under oath. This is a thing Republicans are hellbent on repeating one million times a day because they are so scared of people reading Comey’s book. Lewandowski also repeats like a really douche-y robot the lie that Comey leaked classified information when he shared his unclassified memos with his friend and instructed him to get it out to the media. It is a FACT that he shared UNCLASSIFIED INFORMATION. Which, in the regular old world, is known as “giving your friend a thing full of NOT GOVERNMENT SECRETS.”
But more importantly, JAMES COMEY WAS A PRIVATE CITIZEN WHEN THE BOSTON MARATHON BOMBING HAPPENED. We will at least grant that Lewandowski said “I THINK,” before making his stupid claim, but we won’t give him a pass, because we are dicks like that. We very much understand that Lewandowski might have been distracted today — like maybe he spent his morning trying to decide whether today would be a good day to text Hope Hicks and see if maybe she wants to give the old Netflix ‘n’ Chill thing another try, but maybe he shouldn’t because everybody says actually she hates him and besides, she is trying to MOVE ON RIGHT NOW, but maybe she is just playing hard to get and really misses him because of his irresistible man qualities? — and did not do his homework AKA read his talking points. Maybe he was just freelancing, based on all the multitudes of knowledge he does not actually contain.
Regardless, LET’S PILE ON COREY LEWANDOWSKI, because fuck him.
If Lewandowski is feeling extra stupid today (he definitely is), here are some other things he should blame Comey for:
- The Kennedy assassination (Comey was almost three at the time! HE COULDA DONE MORE.)
- Driving three million illegal Mexicans to the polls in his minivan so they could #rig the election against Trump, even though he was totally busy #rigging it against Hillz Clinton, by announcing a new emails investigation 11 DAYS BEFORE THE ELECTION.
- Putting a “wire tapp” inside Donald Trump’s b-hole, oh wait, Trump already baselessly blamed Barack Obama for that. We don’t know what Trump found in his butt that day, but it was most certainly not a “wire tapp.”
- The new “Roseanne” reboot.
- Wayfair commercials.
- The crucifixion of Jesus, which totally wouldna happened if Comey hadn’t been all “I do not believe any reasonable prosecutor would bring a case against Christ, but I must note He has been an EXTREMELY CARELESS FOOTWASHER,” which gave Herod the pretext for saying “Off with his head!” or however it goes in the Bible.
- The troubling shape of Donald Trump Jr.’s face.
- Hey, maybe James Comey poisoned that former Russian spy! PSSSST, TRUMP, MADE YOU A NEW RED-HOT CONSPIRACY THEORY TO BELIEVE IN! (Because for real, Trump really does not want to believe his beloved Putin would have done that.)
- Know who invented the “Not touching, can’t get mad” game? James Brien Comey, Jr.
Those are just some very good ideas, and we look forward to Corey Lewandowski utilizing them next time he goes on TV to be A Idiot.
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