President Fuckstupid has been very upset the past 24 hours! Here are six tweets, all of which are about how James Comey is mean and James Comey is a liar and James Comey makes President Fuckstupid very upset:
We are so beyond noting that everything President Fuckstupid said is a lie, manufactured in the cavity full of badger jizz he calls a brain and/or originally told to him on Fox News. Just suffice it to say that you can Google each and every statement in those tweets and laugh uncomfortably to yourself about how President Fuckstupid is FULL O’ SHIT.
Anyway, the big Comey interview with George Snuffleupagus! It was the hottest event since #Beychella! (At this point we are tempted to cancel writing this post and just write about #Beychella instead, because Y’ALL. But we guess we will write about this fucking interview. Click here for the transcript if you’d like to follow along.)
I’m not trying to … suggest that President Trump is out breaking legs and, you know, shaking down shopkeepers …
(That is Michael Cohen’s job! Allegedly?)
The loyalty oaths, the boss as the dominant center of everything, it’s all about how do you serve the boss, what’s in the boss’s interests. It’s the family, the family, the family, the family.
And he wasn’t done there! He said Trump is orange except for the eyehole parts of his face where he doesn’t get hit with the tanning machine, and that his hair is well and truly fucked. He said we are in a “dangerous” place as a country and Trump is a “forest fire” who is burning the entire country down, but instead of Trump being held accountable by the law, Comey believes only YOU can prevent forest fires, which is why Comey is pretty obsessed with the idea that Trump shouldn’t be impeached, but voted out HARD. Amid all this high-mindedness (and there is MUCH high-mindedness, because James Comey needs you to know that above all else, he has a very high mind, and not just because he is six feet three million inches tall), there doesn’t seem to be much thinking about what happens if Trump literally burns down the country before the 2020 presidential election, which … at this rate …
… I think impeaching and removing Donald Trump from office would let the American people off the hook and have something happen indirectly that I believe they’re duty-bound to do directly. People in this country need to stand up and go to the voting booth and vote their values.
We’ll fight about guns. We’ll fight about taxes. We’ll fight about all those other things down the road. But you cannot have, as president of the United States, someone who does not reflect the values that I believe Republicans treasure and Democrats treasure and Independents treasure. That is the core of this country. That’s our foundation. And so impeachment, in a way, would short circuit that.
That’s right! It’s AMERICA’S fault. Oh, Jimberly!
Oh, and James Comey really does not know whether or not Donald Trump is a pee enthusiast who gets off on Russian hooker ladies doing the pee for him:
“I honestly never thought these words would come out of my mouth, but I don’t know whether the current president of the United States was with prostitutes peeing on each other in Moscow in 2013,” Comey said. “It’s possible, but I don’t know.”
Neither do we! Maybe it happened on a secret trip to Prague. (Oh wait, that is Michael Cohen’s job too! Allegedly?)
And do the Russians have something on Trump?
“I think it’s possible. I don’t know,” Comey responded. “These are more words I never thought I’d utter about a president of the United States, but it’s possible.”
As far as the DODGY DOSSIER is concerned, Comey confirmed that it DID NOT kick off the Russia investigation (Devin Nunes, you hear that, for the last goddamned time?), but that it was “consistent” with everything else the FBI had been learning. He also described Christopher Steele, the British spy, as “credible.” Comey at one point noted that it’s super weird how Trump won’t even say bad words about Vladimir Putin behind closed doors. Maybe Trump is worried/fairly certain Big Russia Daddy has a “wire tapp” on him AT ALL TIMES.
Comey, of course, talked about all the times Trump tried to use him to obstruct justice, but there wasn’t any really new information there, and we’ve talked about it a lot, so no need to dive deep. If you need to read about it, try that search box above!
Here is where James Comey talks about his greatest struggle in life, which is loving James Comey too much:
One of the things I’ve struggled with my whole life is my ego … and a sense that … I have to be careful not to fall in love with my own view of things. […]
And there’s a danger that that will bleed over into pride, into not being open minded to the fact that I could be wrong and other people could have a better view of it.
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And though Comey acknowledges it was also unprecedented for an FBI director to, 11 DAYS BEFORE A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, send GOP dicks in Congress a letter that says “Ooh boy! New Hillary emails!” he is still pretty sure that he is right and he is good and he is smart and you are not as right and good as James Comey, therefore all is well with the world.
Except for that whole “forest fire” he (and Russia) gave us.
He does acknowledge that he, subconsciously, just like everybody else, was probably operating under the assumption that Hillary Clinton was going to win anyway:
… I was operating in a world where Hillary Clinton was going to beat Donald Trump. And so I’m sure that it — that it was a factor. Like I said, I don’t remember spelling it out, but it had to have been. That — that she’s going to be elected president, and if I hide this from the American people, she’ll be illegitimate the moment she’s elected, the moment this comes out.
Life comes at you fast, Uncle James.
He also acknowledges the thing we’ve been talking about FOR A THOUSAND YEARS NOW, how there were rogue FBI agents in the New York field office, who were going to leak lies about a new Hillary investigation (they found the #Gate of #Pizza) no matter what he did:
I knew that there were leaks coming — or appeared to be leaks about criminal investigation of the Clintons coming out of New York. And I don’t know exactly where that was coming from. I commissioned an investigation to find out. I don’t know what the investigation found.
But, yeah, I was worried about … the team that had done the investigation was in the counterintelligence division at headquarters, of the emails. And there were no leaks at all, very tight. But the criminal folks in New York were now involved in a major way, and I don’t want to single anybody out ’cause I don’t know where it was coming from.
And Rudy Giuliani was the boss of them. (Probably.)
Anyway, on a completely unrelated topic, Comey says the reason he prosecuted Martha Stewart is because one time he put a black guy in jail therefore Even Steven, anyway, GOOD INTERVIEW, THE END!
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