Hey guys, don’t even know why we’re doing this, since it’s such a SLOW FRIDAY ZZZZZZZZ. But, you know, with America being on fire and everything, and the arsonist in the White House running around enraged with his hands down his panties, only occasionally pulling one hand out to sniff his rage farts, maybe it’ll be worth it. So we guess we’ll watch Sarah Huckabee Sanders answer questions about “Oh, since there is nothing happening today, how are your children doing?” and “Hey, since today is so boring, whaddya say we just skip the briefing and do funny Snapchat selfies, with the filters that make us look like GOOFY PUPPY DOGS?” That is definitely how this briefing is going to go.
Or maybe April Ryan will ask (again) if it’s time for Trump to resign and Sanders will explode into a hot ball of fire whatever and the remnants of whatever roast Arkansas squirrel she had for lunch today. That could happen too.
2:40: Not that there’s anything else going on today, but the DoJ just released its watchdog report on why Andrew McCabe was fired from the FBI. SPOILER: It says he had a “lack of candor.” In other words, he was not CANDOROUS enough. He was CANDOR-DEFICIENT. Anyway, Sarah Huck is STILL fucking late, like a common Sarah Huck.
2:45: Since SOMEBODY is still LATE, here is some late breaking news about what happened one time to Alex Jones, who, according to Alex Jones, was irresistible to “hot women” at age 13. This is definitely a thing that happened during Alex Jones’s 7th grade year.
— Mediaite (@Mediaite) April 13, 2018
2:48: Hey you guys, very serious thinker person Jonathan Chait totally believes in the pee tape now. Yes we are officially live-blogging ourselves looking at Twitter right now because that asshole is LATE.
2:51: Hey, funny news about what happens to former Trump administration people when they leave the White House: THEY CAN’T GET JOBS, BECAUSE THEY SUCK TOO MUCH. Enjoy, at BuzzFeed, because SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS IS NOW 23 MINUTES LATE.
3:00:: OH LOOK WHO HAS GRACED US WITH HER PRESENCE! And guess who has to leave right now, because we have to go to the doctor like a common person with health insurance because the Trump era has given us BLOOD PRESSURE? That would be us! Hold off for handoff to Rebecca or Dok! (Actually you do not have to hold off, you can just sit tight, they’ll be here in a sec.)
3:03: Becca here. “Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is the president worried that maybe he shouldn’t call James Comey a slimeball?” SHS: “James Comey is the greatest fiction writer since the Devil wrote the Koran!” (paraphrase.)
3:05: “Sarah Huckabee Sanders, why did the president pardon Scooter Libby?” SHS: FREEDOM AND JUSTICE AND FREEDOM. (Except for the Central Park Five.)
3:05: How about Syria? “Answer.”
3:07: “How about Michael Cohen, currently about to be LOCKED HIM UP? Does he still have the president’s confidence?” SHS: “He works with the president as his attorney, I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE, WHY WOULD I HAVE ASKED?”
3:08: How about the new speaker of the House? Does the president have a preference? SHS: The president takes no interest in “Congress” or “governing.”
Anybody else find this lighting round style of a question and answer in under a minute SUPER HARD TO FOLLOW? Just me?
3:10: (WE JUST MISSED TWO QUESTIONS IN TWO MINUTES) How about the new IG report about Andrew McCabe’s firing? Does that prove that both McCabe and Comey are liars? SHS: AYUP.
Oh, now she’s got some statements to read, and they are from Democrats complaining about Comey being so far up his own glorious ass that he KNEW he knew better than longstanding DOJ policy about making statements about investigations right before an election. Yes, Democrats agree that WAS bad! It makes him an egotistical broomstick-butt in love with his own angel wings, not a big lyin’ liar. But at least the answer was more than four seconds long.
3:14: “Sarah, what about that hilarious tweet you tweeted, that everyone is always lolling at?”
When you're attacking FBI agents because you're under criminal investigation, you're losing https://t.co/SIoAxatCjp
— Sarah Sanders (@SarahHuckabee) November 3, 2016
Now Sarah is mad because we are talking about LYIN’ JAMES COMEY instead of “the drug crisis.” Which is totally a thing they would do something about if the media would JUST LET THEM!
3:17: “Sarah, will the president tell the rapist governor of Missourah to stand down?” SHS: WHO CAN SAY?
3:19: Syria, what’s up? “All of our options are on the table.” Department of Justice? Some Republican lawmakers are whimpering firing Rosenstein would be bad?” SHS: The president talks to a lot of different lawmakers on a variety of topics, and certainly does not just get all his advice from Sean Hannity and the Fox & Friends comfy couch.
AND SHE’S OUT! Now, we’re not the greatest at listening and typing at the same time, so it’s entirely possible that Sarah Huckabee Sanders actually answered a question, somehow. But we don’t believe that to be the case, except for her several paragraphs about an American citizen fired by the president of the United States and then slurred both by that president and his press secretary. (James Comey, duh.) I’m 45. You all are way older than that. Has anyone EVER heard the US president and/or spox ever slurred a private citizen like that? I mean, I guess Obama once said the cop who arrested the black Harvard professor for breaking into his own home had “acted dumb.” And Fox News flipped the fuck out. Anyone? Bueller?
Ok, out of here.
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