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Gonna fuck you up!

Unsurprisingly, after Monday, when the FBI decided to play a jolly game of KNOCK KNOCK, MOTHERFUCKER on Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s idiot-faced fixer/thug/lawyer, Trump has decided he doesn’t want to do an interview with special counsel Robert Mueller. And he was so excited to do it before! (Even though all his legal advisers on Fox News had been telling him for weeks not to do it, because it is a “perjury trap,” by which they mean they know Trump is a pathological liar and would manage to perjure himself with “hello.”)

NBC News says maybe it doesn’t matter if Trump isn’t willing to sit for an interview, because Mueller already knows how guilty the president is, and besides, he’s basically done with the obstruction of justice side of this investigation, so fuck an interview. Before Trump blew chunks all over the West Wing over the Cohen raid, Mueller, according to NBC, was looking to wrap up the obstruction probe somewhere between May and July. Now, if he doesn’t interview Trump, he could be kicking it up to LUDICROUS SPEED:

Now, according to two sources, Mueller’s team may be able to close the obstruction probe more quickly as they will not need to prepare for the interview or follow up on what the president says.

But wait, couldn’t Mueller subpoena the president’s dumb orange ass? Sure, he could! And he still might! Just depends on whether Mueller is feeling frisky or not. (He is always feeling frisky, that is a #ScienceFact about Robert Mueller.) But that would almost certainly head us down the road to a massive constitutional crisis, where Trump would refuse a subpoena. (NBC News reports some on his legal team actually think a sitting president can’t be subpoenaed LOLOLOL OK sure, rent-a-lawyers!) Then it could end up at the Supreme Court, which would rule against Trump, at which point he would probably try to tell the Supreme Court to fuck off, and then everybody at the FBI would be drawing straws to decide who has to be on the presidential retrieval team that has to bring a forklift to the White House to transport Trump’s NOT OBESE body to testify for Mueller. That would just be grotesque, and those agents would end up with PTSD for life.

Regardless, Mueller may very well have constructed the type of case at this point that any perjuries Trump would commit in front of him would just be icing on the cake, and that is because NBC News says he is ready with some FINDINGS! On four subjects, specifically:

Three sources familiar with the investigation said the findings Mueller has collected on Trump’s attempts to obstruct justice include: His intent to fire former FBI Director James Comey; his role in the crafting of a misleading public statement on the nature of a June 2016 Trump Tower meeting between his son and Russians; Trump’s dangling of pardons before grand jury witnesses who might testify against him; and pressuring Attorney General Jeff Sessions not to recuse himself from the Russia investigation.

COUNT ONE: GUILTY; COUNT TWO: GUILTY; COUNT THREE: GUILTY; COUNT FOUR: GUILTY AS FUCK! 

Look, if Wonkette can see how guilty Trump is from over here in our blog chair, Mueller’s case has got to be air-goddamn-tight. (And don’t get distracted by how we recently learned Trump was a mere “subject” of the investigation, because “subjects” can become “targets” whenever Robert Mueller decides to stick that label on them.)

Trump’s last remaining real(ish) lawyer Ty Cobb is telling NBC News, “PSHAW, we are still cooperating with Mueller,” as if anybody believes he still has control over his client. And it does seem that Cobb managed to wrangle the phone out of Captain Dipshit’s greasy meat fingers on Thursday so he could type this tweet, in his best impression of Trump’s mangled version of English:

That being said, again, Trump is not listening to Ty Cobb, at least not very closely. He is listening to dried jizz stains like Newt Gingrich on Fox News saying the FBI is the LITERAL GESTAPO and Sean Hannity saying Robert Mueller and James Comey and Hillary Clinton and Loretta Lynch are all in a CRIME FAMILY together, which doesn’t even make sense, but Trump is fucking stupid, and he’s also a cornered fucking baby right now, so it probably makes sense in his soupy excuse for a brain.

Somehow we just don’t think Trump is amenable to the idea of an interview with Mueller right now!

So! If Mueller does subpoena Trump, the shit will hit the fan. If he decides to just wrap up his report (on obstruction, not the rest of the wide-ranging investigation, which will continue) it would go to Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, who could then give it to the American public and to Congress, which could choose to start the process of impeachment, which will DEFINITELY happen in this current Republican-led Congress of unindicted co-conspirators.

(Unless Mueller is feeling REALLY FRISKY and decides it’s time to try indicting a sitting president. Oh wouldn’t THAT be fun!)

However, depending on how bad Mueller’s report is (SPOILER: it is bad), Congress might have to do something, to appease the 70% of Americans who wholeheartedly support the Mueller investigation and know in our hearts that the president is a fucking criminal.

Whatever happens, next couple months gon’ be LIT, y’all! (Wait, did we close a piece by saying next couple months gon’ be LIT, Y’ALL just yesterday? WELL WE’RE DOING IT AGAIN, BECAUSE SUCK IT.)

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Are you a fairly regular Wonkette reader and have had a nagging little voice for some time saying “you should throw Wonkette a buck every month”? We would surely appreciate it!

[NBC News]

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