Oh no, everyone, bad news. The House Intelligence Committee (HPSCI), by which we mean the Republicans on the committee, has announced it will no longer feign interest in investigating Russia, so that Devin Nunes can be free to obstruct justice for Donald Trump full time, LOL just kidding, he was already doing that. Closing down the Russia investigation will hopefully free up some time on Nunes’s schedule for fucking cows, if that’s something Devin Nunes the Dairy Farmer is interested in doing, how would we know, we are mere war bloggers.
President ALL CAPS YOUTUBE COMMENTER is excited:
Sure thing, buddy.
The HSPCI Republicans have written a full report, and it says “NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLLUSION!” for 150 straight pages. It also says that the entire CIA, FBI, NSA and all the other intelligence agencies are somehow not as smart as Devin Nunes, who can’t even be bothered to read intelligence even when it’s required reading for his own memo, concluding that the Russians didn’t even want to install Donald Trump in office.
Rep. Mike Conaway (R-Idiot) spoke about the “findings” of his committee’s “investigation”:
House Intelligence Committee Republicans say they have found no evidence that President Trump and his affiliates colluded with Russian officials to sway the 2016 election or that the Kremlin sought to help him, a conclusion at odds with Democrats’ takeaways from the congressional panel’s year-long probe and the apparent trajectory of special counsel Robert S. Mueller III’s investigation.
The findings are part of a 150-page draft report that Rep. K. Michael Conaway (R-Tex.), who oversees the committee’s Russia probe, announced on Monday. It will probably be weeks before the document is made public.
He added that you’d have to be TOM CLANCY to think this all amounts to a conspiracy or some sort of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. Are you even TOM CLANCY? Then you can’t do it!
Wonkette would add that you probably would have to actually subpoena documents and subpoena witnesses to force them to answer questions when they refuse, and when you find out (as we just did recently) that little-dick motherfuckers like Erik Prince flat-out lied to your committee, you should probably do some sort of follow-up and/or hold them in contempt of Congress. You know, just a #HelpfulSuggestion, for next time!
HPSCI’s announcement was of course made without any input from committee Democrats, who weren’t even told this announcement was coming, much less that the Republicans had written 150 whole pages about how Donald Trump’s nipple sweat tastes like cherry pie. The Democrats will, of course, have to release their own report, because the GOP’s report is full of lies.
Have a very angry and sassy statement from your boyfriend, Democratic ranking committee member Adam Schiff:
“History will judge its actions harshly.” To say the least!
A couple more key passages, in case you cannot embiggen Schiff’s statement:
Next week, it will be one year since our investigation began with its first open hearing, and the country learned that the Trump campaign had been the subject of a counterintelligence investigation since July of the election year. Since that time, we have learned a great deal about countless secret meetings, conversations and communications between Trump campaign officials and the Russians, all of which the Trump administration initially denied, would later misrepresent, and finally be forced to acknowledge. Thirteen Russians have been indicted in a far-reaching conspiracy in which the Russians sought to influence our election by helping Donald Trump, by hurting the Hillary Clinton campaign and sowing discord in the United States. Most significant, high-ranking Trump campaign and Administration officials have also been indicted, including the president’s national security advisor, his campaign chair and deputy campaign chair, as well as one of his foreign policy advisors, and three of those have already pled guilty. […]
In the coming weeks and months, new information will continue to be exposed through enterprising journalism, indictments by the Special Counsel, or continued investigative work by Committee Democrats and our counterparts in the Senate. And each time this new information becomes public, Republicans will be held accountable for abandoning a critical investigation of such vital national importance.
“You fucking assholes,” Adam Schiff did not add.
For the record, at least one committee Republican, Rep. Tom Rooney of Florida, acknowledges what a shitshow this is. Rooney told CNN’s Erin Burnett that his committee has “gone off the rails” and has “lost all credibility.” He also, contra the beliefs of his fuckheaded compatriots, admits there is evidence for the US intelligence community’s conclusion that the Russians fucked with the election to help Donald Trump, adding that “there’s evidence to where they were trying to wreak havoc on both sides.” (Which is correct! Russia had many different wangs in our elections, and they all played different roles!)
So anywho! HPSCI’s Russia investigation is over, and now we are all sad, because they were doing such vital work. We wonder at the timing of this announcement, though, because when Devin Nunes opens his blabbering shithole, he usually does it to get in front of Bad Things coming from the Robert Mueller investigation (you know, the real investigation), which Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein again expressed support for on Monday in an interview with USA Today.
So … is it about to be indictment o’ clock again?
It would be a really funny day for Mueller to drop some indictments! In the mood to be a #jokester, Robert? Do some indictments! You know they are your favorite way to play a #joke on Devin Nunes!
LOCK THEM UP! LOCK THEM UP! LOCK THEM UP!
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