Did you wake up this morning thinking, “The best part of waking up is Axios taking a shit in your cup”? Did you feel like getting scolded about journalism by a website that only exists to write 80-word palace intrigue stories that declare themselves each and every day to be required reading for people who like their shit dumbed down? You’ve come to the right place!
Hey, Axios: Judgy Wudgy was a bear. And you know what bears always say? FUCK OFF.
Here are some very pained and judgy editorial comments from Axios’s piece, which, at 535 words, must have taken Mike Allen and Jim VandeHei LITERAL HOURS to write:
“A sad, epic meltdown — a troubled Trump flunky, pecked at and picked apart like roadkill on the Russia Interstate, in his last gasps of public fame and shame.”
“This is one of the reasons America hates the media. Our entire industry lit itself on fire because a troubled Trump hanger-on made an ass of himself — live.”
“One of Nunberg’s friends was furious, telling Axios that the anchors were knowingly taking advantage of an obviously fragile man.”
“The friend, who refused to be named but interacts constantly with journalists, texted an anchor during a live interview: ‘What the hell is wrong with you people? … Shame on you. This isn’t news.'”
Bored yet? We sure are.
To Sam Nunberg’s friends who are worried about him, we are truly sorry about your racist, conspiracy theory-addicted friend, but this most certainly was news. A witness in the most important investigation in modern American history decided to very publicly state, hundreds of times, that he planned to tell the special counsel handling that investigation to eat shit. The reasons for that — maybe he is off his rocker, maybe he is an alcoholic, maybe he is off his meds, maybe the whole thing was a publicity stunt pushed by his flaming shithole BFF Roger Stone — are not the headline. They are details, and they are interesting, but they aren’t the lede.
(Take note, Axios!)
And the thing is, Nunberg was the one driving this. He was the one who told the Washington Post and the New York Times that he was planning on flipping Mueller the bird mere days after he, who was oh-so-happy to cooperate, started leaking his subpoena to interested journalists. Yes, MSNBC’s Katy Tur said on TV that when the WaPo/NYT news broke, she called Nunberg during a commercial break and suggested he come on the air. Katy Tur did not force Sam Nunberg to do one million more interviews on Monday, including one where he told the local news in NYC that Sarah Huckabee Sanders is big and fat.
Know why Katy Tur made that phone call? Because she is A FUCKING JOURNALIST.
(Take note, Axios!)
And what happened after that was, to be sure, a sight to behold. Thing is, though, that the journalists involved, as well as their panelists, grappled with the very bullet points Axios lazily threw at our faces this morning, and they did it YESTERDAY. They did it live, on air, as it was happening, and you know why? BECAUSE REAL JOURNALISTS FUCKING DO IT LIVE. (That is what Bill O’Reilly taught us!)
(Take note, Axios!)
Those journalists, while chasing that story yesterday, also showed their humanity, because every time Sam Nunberg went on a national TV show, he got free therapy and legal advice from people who were obviously genuinely concerned for him.
Katy Tur did it.
Jake Tapper did it.
Ari Melber and Erin Burnett did it.
These journalists were not callously unaware that an actual human being seemed to be having a psychotic day-drunk break right in front of their faces. Indeed, they navigated the situation with grace, doing as much as they (and again, their panelists!) could to both A) DO THEIR JOBS (take note, Axios!) and also B) show compassion to this human being in front of them, and maybe keep him from throwing himself in Robert Mueller’s jail.
Seriously, next time we are having a dirty dishes in the sink, case of the Mondays kind of day and are about to lose it, remind us we can just call in to Ari Melber’s MSNBC show for some free mental health care, because we could do worse.
What were these journalists supposed to do, otherwise? “Nixon is drunk and wants to confess on TV. OH NO, DON’T EXPLOIT DRUNK NIXON.” Fuck off.
As we were writing this, we saw this on Twitter:
We’re glad to hear it, on both counts, for Sam Nunberg’s sake. Which is weird, because we really don’t give a shit about fucking Trump idiots who maybe shouldn’t have signed on with a human trashbag like Donald Trump in the first place.
One might argue, though, that Nunberg wouldn’t have gotten to the point of cooperating with Mueller and then seeking treatment if Katy Tur, Jake Tapper, Ari Melber and Erin Burnett hadn’t let him talk through his problems and talk through his problems and talk through his problems some more.
In fact, we DO argue it.
So fuck off, Axios, because this is why people hate Axios.
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