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It’s going to be OK, Sam.

WHAT IN GOD’S NAME DID WE WITNESS ON MONDAY? When we last left you, former Trump aide/current actual crazy person Sam Nunberg had lost his ever-loving nutsack over a subpoena from special counsel Robert Mueller, because it was TOO MANY EMAILS to share, and COME ON THIS IS RIDICULOUS and also, he wasn’t willing to participate in any investigation where frequent Deep State assassination victim Roger Stone, whom he loves, could be implicated in committing a crime. Which … that’s not how these things work, but WHATEVER!

He called MSNBC’s Katy Tur to lose his shit.

He called CNN’s Jake Tapper to lose his shit.

THEN he called a local news station in New York to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders a “fat slob.” For real:

Well FALSE ALARM, EVERYONE. Let’s just pretend Monday never happened, OK? Because Nunberg told the Associated Press late Monday night that OH HIS BAD, he guesses he will cooperate with Robert Mueller after all:

… Sam Nunberg said he was angry over Mueller’s request to have him appear in front of a grand jury and turn over thousands of emails and other communications with other ex-officials, among them his mentor Roger Stone. But he predicted that, in the end, he’d find a way to comply.

“I’m going to end up cooperating with them,” he said.

OK then, post over!

Except … well, first of all, folks really aren’t sure why this happened. Was this a dirty trick PR stunt pushed by Sam Nunberg’s fedora-wearing Daddy Issue Roger Stone? Was Nunberg off his meds? Was he drunk? Is it possible it was all those things? (More on those questions in a second!)

Before his late night change of heart about being jailed by Bob Mueller, Nunberg had a couple more free therapy sessions on MSNBC and CNN on Monday night, and instead of calling in for these appearances, he was live and in person!

ACT ONE: ARI MELBER!

Here’s the full interview with Melber. Sit a spell!

During this live and in-person therapy session, Nunberg said Robert Mueller had offered him “immunity,” except maybe not really, but kept saying he was the FIRST ONE EVER to tell a special prosecutor to fuck off, which is COUGH SUSAN MCDOUGAL COUGH not actually true. About Sarah Huckabee Sanders, he said:

SARAH SHOULD SHUT UP. SHE’S A TERRIBLE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR. […] SHE SHOULD SHUT HER MOUTH. AND I’M WARNING HER TO SHUT HER MOUTH.

OK look, Wonkette is not above calling Shuckles the Clown on her shit, but hoo boy! (Also we yell at her when she lies to the American people constantly, which is … different from Nunberg’s reasons.)

Ari Melber, like a caring big brother who makes a lot of hip-hop references, kept asking, “Do you want to take some more time to think this through?” and “Are you feeling OK?” and “Is this all just because you need to make a poop?” (Maybe that last one is a paraphrase.) You could see the concern in Melber’s eyes, and also from his panel of former US attorneys, once they joined the discussion.

Instead, Nunberg said stuff like this, about Corey Lewandowski:

IF I COULD FIND COREY IN AN ALLEY, IT WOULDN’T BE VERY NICE FOR HIM.

All righty, fair enough! Hey Corey Lewandowski! You are gonna get a whoopin’ from Sam Nunberg, so stay out of alleys!

Nunberg constantly PSHAWED at Mueller’s subpoena, because it’s just crazy to think he talks to Carter Page or Corey Lewandowski or Hope Hicks, like come on, you guys! (Melber: If you don’t talk to them, whyyyyyyyyyy would it be so hard to give them your emails?)

Nunberg asserted time and time again that he only talked to Roger Stone (his real dad) and Steve Bannon (with whom he never worked on the campaign, so hey that’s weird), but he emails them TOO MANY TIMES A DAY, and he just doesn’t have 80 hours to go through all their dumb emails.

Nunberg restated for the fifth time that day that he thinks the Mueller investigation has “something pretty bad” on Trump, but it was clear most of his focus was on protecting Roger Stone, which tells us a lot about why Mueller wants those emails!

Would that case against Roger Stone involve WikiLeaks, Sam?

IT COULD RELATE TO WIKILEAKS.

Are you worried about Trump fixer loser idiot lawyer Michael Cohen?

YEAH.

Well, if you’re so worried about these people, as the panel pointed out, TURN OVER YOUR SHIT AND GO TESTIFY. But no, he did not want to do that.

Summary of Sam Nunberg on Ari Melber’s show:

HE STIFLED SOBS. OR MADE BIG COCAINE SNIFFLES. OR DRINKING THREE MILLION SHOTS OF FIREBALL BEFORE BREAKFAST MAKES HIM SINUS-Y.

This picture, tweeted by Molly Knight, says it all:

ACT TWO: ERIN BURNETT!

Here is Nunberg’s full interview with Erin Burnett:

Here are some highlights from Erin Burnett’s interview with Sam Nunberg:

  • Nunberg called Sarah Huckabee Sanders fat again.
  • He said there are separate rules for Republicans and Democrats, even though Burnett also brought up COUGH SUSAN MCDOUGAL COUGH.
  • Early in the interview, he called himself a Trump supporter. Later, he said, “I HATE THE GUY!”
  • Erin Burnett asked Nunberg to show her on the doll where Donald Trump hurt him.
  • Nunberg started to crack on cooperating with Mueller, suggesting, “MAYBE I WILL JUST GIVE THEM MY EMAIL PASSWORD.”
  • He told Erin Burnett that she’s “GOING TO BE FINE” when everybody finds out what Trump did with Russia, but that Fox News idiots like Jeanine Pirro and Sean Hannity will be VERY ‘BARRASSED.

The most important moment came at the end, though:

Erin Burnett acknowledged it was awkward, but stated the obvious thing on everybody’s mind: “I have smelled alcohol on your breath,” she said. Because she was sitting close to him. Perhaps she set it up that way, so she could figure that out.

Nunberg got flustered and deflected the question, saying he was just high on his anti-depressants, which … we’re not sure, but we’re going to guess he was drunk. Maybe he was starting to sober up by the time he got to Erin Burnett.

By the end of the Burnett interview, it was just sad and we sort of felt sorry for Sam Nunberg. Almost.

But we’ll share our thoughts about that in our next post, which will involve telling Axios to fuck off, because you love that shit.

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