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My dear ones! We have met your wonderful comrades in Long Beach, CA; Reno, Nevada; and Bend, Oregon, and all of them were just as lovely (and handsome!) as we could have wished. Now, Portland and Spokane, we have chosen the venues in which you let us buy you beer and pizza, because both of those places are on our way home!

Portland, you are Thurs., Feb. 15, 6:30-8:30 at the Lucky Labrador Beer Hall — this is the QUIMBY location, in Northwest! 1945 NW Quimby St, Portland, OR 97209.

Spokane! You are Fri., Feb. 16, 6-8 p.m. at South Perry Pizza, 1011 S. Perry St., Spokane!

Will we ever make it to the South or East Coast? Every time we think about you darlings in Texas, we remember your hurricane season is now 11 months out of every year. And the East Coast, well, you’re cold right now. But we’ll get back to you again eventually, we swear!

UPDATE! Just by accident, we seem to have found the best pizza restaurant in all of Portland: Last year, the outnumbered staff 86ed a group of Nazis despite slurs and deathly bagpipes. Yes, bagpipes. Fucking nazis.

Just remember: money talks.

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  • MynameisBlarney
    • Jonny On Maui

      Where’s the brain bleach?

      • MynameisBlarney

        It’s on a factory backorder, sorry.

        • Snowbound Ron

          Demand is WAY up this year.

    • ArgieBargie

      Now we know why Kanye West payed him a visit at the Trump Tower.

      • Karen

        Goℴgle is giving every one $97 per/hr to complete few services from a laptop .. Work Some just few time & stay more time together with your own loved ones . Any one can also apply this special offer!!last Saturday I got a gorgeous McLaren F1 just after making $10,000 this past six weeks .no doubt it is the coolest job however you could not forgive yourself if you don’t read this.!nx922s:➛➛➛ http://GoogleConsultingMakeMoneyOnlineJobs/get/cash/99$/per/hr ♥♥s♥♥k♥y♥♥♥a♥f♥f♥♥♥f♥♥n♥f♥♥a♥♥♥n♥♥h♥♥t♥♥t♥r♥♥m♥p♥d♥♥♥y♥i♥♥m♥v♥s♥♥♥j♥u:::!qw082c:cuqn

    • IMPOed

      OMGLMFFAO!!!

    • ViveLaResistance!
    • Doug Langley

      Of course it was Photoshopped. He was wearing a blue hat that day.

    • dieselox

      Yeah, his upper body is shrunk way down, for sure.

  • FauxAntocles

    Of course, the Mountain zone, which does not exist, continues to not exist.

    • ArgieBargie

      Just like the comment section on this site.

  • BadKitty904

    OT: Thanks, Republicans!

    Report: American States See ‘Significant Decline’ in Well-Being
    https://www.usnews.com/news/best-states/articles/2018-02-13/report-american-states-see-significant-decline-in-well-being

    A new nationwide survey on well-being paints a bleak picture of America, with a record number of states around the country reporting declines in social, emotional and psychological health.

    The annual Gallup-Sharecare Well-Being Index found that a record 21 states saw declines in 2017, the largest year-over-year decline since the index began in 2008.

    • OutOfOrbit

      were they expecting different results?

      • Snowbound Ron

        Yes, because ‘winning.’

    • freakishlypersistent

      In the immortal words of…who the fuck anyway,? “No Shit, Sherlock”

      • data_ninja

        A constipated Dr. Watson?

    • Crystalclear12

      The orange blight is bad this year.

      • BadKitty904

        You ain’t woofin’…

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      Gallup-Sharecare Well-Being Index shows zero states improved in 2017
      https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/02/13/people-were-not-living-their-best-lives-2017-well-being-report-shows/324133002/

      Nearly half of the states in the U.S. saw their scores decline and zero states saw a significant improvement in well-being from 2016 to 2017, according to the Gallup-Sharecare Well-Being Index released Tuesday.

    • Khavrinen

      Think Dubya still has his “Mission Accomplished” banner?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Shoot anyone in Reno, just cause you were there?

  • La forza del resistino

    Colorado, Trix, we have certain things n/a in Montana. OK, so CA, OR and WA gave smoke cover to our 1st in nation thunder.

    • Resistor Radio

      Nation thunder…is that a fart joke? ;)

      • La forza del resistino

        you try eating 3 CO bean burritos after smoking a fatty.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg
    • Doug Langley

      Well, no wonder Two Scoops was so desperate for Norwegians to come here.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Oh and tomorrow we bring out our big guns. There is a fair to good chance we will be on top of the medal standings by the end.

        • phoenix00

          Oh Yeah?!! Just wait ’till the hockey and curling stuff comes around. The stuff Canada is good at!

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            Or the 10k speedskating. :D

          • phoenix00

            Honestly that was a surprise to me. I’ve always pegged the Dutch and Nordic countries best at speedskating and cross-country skiing events.

  • freakishlypersistent

    I know I sound paranoid, or like a Republican, but, with all the “Dear Shit fer Brains” hate out there, y’all need to be careful about letting the Russian bots know where you’re going to be, maybe? And Floriduh is warm, warm warm!

  • Meccalopolis

    Brooklyn is 50 degrees today

    • Crystalclear12

      In February?
      Boy, the Chinese are busy.

      • Meccalopolis

        Americans just can’t seem to fully commit to a hoax

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Nearly that in Cleveland. in mid-February. Supposed to get near 60f tomorrow, too.

  • Jamoche

    This is beautiful, and has kittehs so is on topic: it’s a how-to article on how to fuck with people who are leeching off your wifi. One trick redirects everything to kittenwar.com. The awesome part:

    Here’s an email I received from Fraser at kittenwar,

    Hi Pete,
    Apologies for the unsolicited mail, but I thought I’d drop you a line to
    say how much I like your Upside-Down-Ternet advice for confusing wireless
    thieves.

    Every so often I receive extremely irate e-mails from people claiming
    that my Kittenwar site is playing host to some kind of nefarious virus
    preventing them from accessing the web, accusing me of practising all
    sorts of dark arts – to which I politely respond that I’m terribly sorry,
    but this only usually happens to people who are using someone else’s
    wireless connection, and pointing them in the direction of your site.
    This has happened dozens of times over the last few years, and you know
    what? None of them have ever got back to me after I point this out.

    http://www.ex-parrot.com/pete/upside-down-ternet.html

  • You must have a nice imagination, because I imagine everyone on the internet looks like Rickety Cricket. Especially at Brietfarts.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d13607caf0cfd48fa4b100ceab907a8db6226fa03f87e4532ed5b6eafdd25177.png

    • OutOfOrbit

      i imagine all the ladies here are beautiful and the gents are all buff

      • puredog

        And the dogs are all above average.

        • Trip Space-Parasite

          That’s hardly a feat of imagination!

        • OutOfOrbit

          of course you are

  • Rick Hill

    That’s ok, you don’t head thisaway. I’d have to shave, charge my scramble suit, wax the dog and walk the car…

  • puredog

    As might be expected, I do love the Lucky Labrador, but nobody (and I mean nobody) goes there for the food.

  • Mr. Blobfish
    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I still like that my auto correct that changed “Paul Ryan” to “aryan.”

  • PubOption

    Will the Wonkdog be at The Lucky Labrador?

    • puredog

      Although it has been unseasonably warm in Portland, it’s still February, and the dog areas at the Labradors are, I believe, outside only (and I don’t know the heat lamp situation, if any). So I’d be inclined to guess no? But I have no actual knowledge.

      • PubOption

        I was only inquiring because the Wonkdog appears to be a black lab.

  • Red Richmond

    I’m sad you guys are skipping over the chance to glow in the dark by stopping in the Tri-Cities in favor of scary meth city Spokanistan. But then I remember that I don’t have money to properly beer and pizza with you anyways, and then I accept it. But I’m still sad.

    • rebecca

      how do you guys not get that the beer and pizza is ON US! (also, sometimes we go through the tri-cities. you should email me where you at, maybe we will pop in and scare you sometime!)

      • Red Richmond

        Nah I totally get the whole beer and pizza on yous thing, I just don’t play that way because I’m a firm believer in sharing costs. At the very least I’d want to buy a hat or some other cool swag, or somehow or another force you to take my money. It’s only right and fair that I do so. Anyways, next time…and by then I’ll have money to be donating to the site as well, as is also right and certainly more than deserved by you guys.

    • Nola Barrett

      Lots of super-good food in the Tri-Cities, and it’s a great jumping-off point for wine tours in every direction. But, hey, we have that in Spokanistan, too, so……

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    It’s going to be in the 80s in Charleston this weekend Rebecca, Shy, and DR. Yeah, that’s totally normal for February.

    • 79° F in the extreme south here at 12:43 in the afternoon. Headed for a high of 83°. Feb 14, 2018.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I’m on the road, but will be home on Saturday. I’m expecting to see my azaleas in bloom six weeks early, just like last year. So glad we pulled out of the Paris Accord, global warming is awesome!

  • JMP

    I don’t know if “Best Pizza Restaurant in Portland” is much of a prize, at least assuming that the pizza there is as hideous as it is in the rest of the west coast. I mean, here in the Bay Area the best place for pizza is fucking Pizza Hut.

    • Biff52

      Methinks you’re on the wrong side of the bay.

      • Notreelyhelping

        Methinks he has not experienced Ken’s Artisan Pizza in Portland…which unfortunately does not take reservations and usually involves long waits.

        • chascates

          Wow! Ken has 2 great looking books on pizza. This looks like a really great place.

          • Notreelyhelping

            Seriously, it’s the best pizza I’ve had outside of Italy.

    • puredog

      Two words: Apizza Scholls.
      (Which ACTUALLY has the best pizza in Portland. I think the point of the comment was that Lucky Lab showed itself to be a hive of the best peeps in Portland, coincidentally serving pizza.)

    • dieselox

      Uhhhhhh, Zachary’s?

  • David Chaillou

    On the yodeling vegan butthole scale, a bagpipe Nazi is barely a 4.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Because doesn’t have a good beat? Not easy enough to dance to?

    • Notreelyhelping

      If you look hard enough, you can probably find a vegan butthole Nazi bagpiper in Portland.

  • Just Noh

    hurricanes don’t hit up as far as dallas (or austin), but you do want to avoid the ~4 months of 100*+ weather. maybe you can come celebrate after we kick abbott, paxton, cruz & sessions out!

  • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

    Bagpipe libelz! ..I think?

    • phoenix00

      Nahhh the bagpipes are the heroes, and acknowledged as such.

  • Smoke O’Hontas

    Attention Oregon Wonkers! The Mr is going to be in Salem next week on a business trip with The Least Interesting Man in the World. He needs to know where the cool kids hang out…and where the beer flows like a flowing river of beer! Thanks in advance!

  • psychobroad

    Hey, Georgia is the legit South, and we don’t have hurricane season 11 months of the year. What are we, chopped liver?

  • Smibo

    Some may not be aware of this, but here in the lonely, remote, isolated and forgotten extreme southeastern outpost of the resistance (known only by the code name “Margaritaville”), we regard these tales of far-off Wonkette pizza-and-drinky-things as pleasant myths that we choose to accept as reality, because doing so helps bolster our flagging spirits at times when we feel that we can’t even, which is pretty much all the fucking time because “Trump administration”. Some of us have doubts though, that this mythical land called “Pacific Northwest” even exists, never mind the too-good-to-be-true idea that it hosts gatherings of Wonketeers feasting on pizza and beer!

    With that in mind, we respectfully wish to invoke the “pics or it didn’t happen” rule, if only to maintain morale among the scattered outposts. We want group “cheers” pics. We want candid shots of drunken Wonkers caught in mid-blink, stuffing half a slice of pizza into their faces, while the Wonker next to them makes the two-finger rabbit ears thing behind their heads. And duck-face pics also, too. You can never have too many duck-face pics.

    Get those Obamaphones out, y’all!

  • shivaskeeper

    I will be heading south to go to the Portland one tomorrow. If anyone wants a ride from around Exit 88 in WA, or further south let me know.

  • Zyxomma

    Have fun, everyone.

  • Nola Barrett

    SO EXCITED!!! (Fan-girl squee-ing noises) See you Friday!

  • Rick

    Wish I lived on the left coast. Maybe soon

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Easy does it, Trix. There are warnings all around through Friday for nasty road conditions on US12 and I90 East of the Cascades. Spokane, Coeur d’ Alene, and Fourth of July Pass are supposed to be particularly bad.

  • phoenix00
  • EfiniX

    Not to nitpick, but of you want the best pizza, head to Ken’s, apizza scholls, or Dove Vive.

  • CindyinEncinitas
  • puredog
  • Michele

    BECKY… sup girl?

  • Nola Barrett

    OMG, that was so fun! Thank you, fellow Wonketteers, for a lovely evening! And Rebecca, you rock! :) (Look me up on fb)

    • Fredo Trump

      I was there too! Glad I met you, Rebecca, and everyone else. Good times!

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