MO. THER. FUCKER.
Of all the people in the whole entire wide world who have THE RIGHT to open their mouths about Adam Rippon, America’s favorite figure skater since, we dunno, Michelle Kwan or something, Donald Trump Jr., with his face that looks like he had plastic surgery to make himself look at all times like he just got beat up, ranks very low on the list.
But yet Dumbass Fuckface Trump Junior persisted.
We all know Olympic figure skater Adam Rippon has made news lately, because of how A) he skated the most beautiful free skate in the world the other night and for some reason got basically the same artistic score as a Russian idiot whose “artistry” was nonexistent, and B) he’s been pretty open about how he has no desire to meet ignorant gay-hating loser waste of space Vice President Mike Pence, either at the Olympics, after the Olympics, or at a gay bar in Dupont Circle once Mother Pence goes to sleep.
Guess who’s SO MAD about that second thing? That’s right, it is Donald Trump’s greatest sperm mistake, Donald Trump Jr., who opened his misshapen yapping slit to give his very unimportant opinions on Adam Rippon and Mike Pence:
OK first of all, fuck you, WeenerStump McPantyDribbles Junior. Adam Rippon can talk about whatever the fuck he wants to talk about, and if he wants to read your dad’s piece of shit homophobic theocrat vice president for filth — a guy who incidentally may be a closet case but we don’t know because only Jesus knows what Mike Pence thinks about when he’s having his biannual bout of shame copulation with Mother — then that is Adam Rippon’s goddamned business.
But also? Mike Pence has been reportedly bothered by Adam Rippon’s rejections of his desperate entreaties for some alone time together. Mike Pence just wants to talk! Maybe he wants to give him some old fashioned Christian counseling! We’re not saying Mike Pence wants to give Rippon the same type of Christian counseling that Pennsylvania pastor was caught doing with the tied-up naked guy in his car, but we’re not not saying it either. Again, only Jesus knows Mike Pence’s deepest urges.
Hell, Pence was so bothered he tweeted at Rippon, you know, just trying to say for real he loves Adam Rippon very much and he is definitely here for Adam Rippon, he just wants to hold Adam Rippon and whisper to Adam Rippon and caress Adam Rippon’s delicious abs, allegedly …
FOR THE LAST TIME, MIKE PENCE, ADAM RIPPON DOES NOT WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU, Christ!
For the record, here is what Rippon actually said about how he doesn’t want his whole Olympics to be about Mike Pence:
I don’t want my Olympic experience to be about Mike Pence. I want it to be about my amazing skating, and um … being America’s sweetheart!
Did you catch that?
ALSO: “I don’t want my Olympic experience to be about Mike Pence. I want it to be about my amazing skating — and being America’s sweetheart.” – @Adaripp, https://t.co/yA5ww6aCS2 pic.twitter.com/EMjlI0Q5E8
— Chris Geidner (@chrisgeidner) February 13, 2018
Adam Rippon absolutely is America’s sweetheart, at least for the America that matters (not the Mike Pence part).
Being here at the Olympics, it does give me a louder voice. And I’ve got a big mouth and a loud voice! I could even get emotional thinking about it, but like, I’ve gotten so many messages from young kids like all over the country, that my story’s resonated with them. And it’s incredibly powerful, like, this platform that you can have at the Olympic games. In addition to all the support I’ve gotten, I’ve heard a lot of people like, “Well, Adam Rippon should tone it down” and blah blah blah. I can’t. I can’t tone it down. I’m being me […] I would be doing myself an injustice, and I’d be doing an injustice to those kids who don’t feel like they’re comfortable to be themselves.
Did we mention how Donald Trump Jr. can go fuck himself? Because he can, but we don’t need to harp on that, because Rippon can clearly speak for himself.
For instance, he speaks for himself in this video, where he tells NBC’s Mike Tirico that when he sees the Olympic ice rink, he gets so nervous that “Um, I want to throw up. I want to go over to the judges and ask can I have a Xanax and a quick drink?”
“When you get on the ice and see the (Olympic) rings what’s going through your mind?”
“Um, I want to throw up. I want to go over to the judges and ask can I have a Xanax and a quick drink?” pic.twitter.com/y602LLvHln
— Molly Knight (@molly_knight) February 12, 2018
And he speaks for himself in these tweets:
Did we specify how hard Donald Trump Jr. can go fuck himself right now?
We could go on (clearly), but instead we will leave you with this tweet, which links to the most incredibly beautiful piece written by Richard Lawson at Vanity Fair, about what Adam Rippon represents to young gay kids everywhere who can see him on the TV and look up to a hero who’s like them. Warning: If you are a gay man above 30, it will probably make you weepy.
We may have forgotten to tell Donald Trump Jr. to go fuck himself, so just in case …
Meh, no need to say it again, his own face has been saying it to him in the mirror his whole life.
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