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SAYS WHO

Oh boy, longtime Trump lawyer/fixer Michael Cohen must be feeling the heat, because he is now making up stories about how he paid porn star Stormy Daniels $130,000 out of his own lunch money, and for no reason in particular, and that he didn’t tell Donald Trump about it. Or maybe he’s telling the truth, and he’s just an idiot! SAYS WHO?

Cohen told these words to Maggie Haberman at the New York Times, and she copied them down verbatim:

“Neither the Trump Organization nor the Trump campaign was a party to the transaction with Ms. Clifford, and neither reimbursed me for the payment, either directly or indirectly,” Mr. Cohen said in a statement to The New York Times. “The payment to Ms. Clifford was lawful, and was not a campaign contribution or a campaign expenditure by anyone.”

He declined to answer several follow-up questions, including whether Mr. Trump had been aware that Mr. Cohen made the payment, why he made the payment or whether he had made similar payments to other people over the years.

Isn’t that just what best pals always do, when you’re running for president and all of a sudden a porn lady is about to go public about your affair with her, so your BFF gives her $130,000 out of his piggy bank for reasons completely unrelated to that? That’s definitely what always happens, especially when your BFF is ALSO YOUR LAWYER.

Can’t imagine there are any ethical problems with that, things the New York state bar might be interested in hearing about.

This is all totally normal.

Except for remember how Trump has been denying he even had an affair with Stormy Daniels? And how Cohen has ignored questions about a payout to Daniels (whose real name is Stephanie Clifford) ever since the Wall Street Journal broke the story? Oh well, let’s not worry about details too much.

Here, have a full statement:

What does the last part of that statement even mean? Is he really trying to fall on his sword here to protect Trump, the crime family boss? Is that what is going on? (Josh Marshall at TPM has a theory and it is that yes, that’s exactly what is going on, because that is Cohen’s role in the crime family.)

OK, let’s review:

Cohen paid Stormy Daniels $130,000 of his own money. Why? Oh, no reason in particular! Which piggy bank did he use? Just this very private LLC he set up in Delaware. The Trump campaign didn’t know about it, ALLEGEDLY. The Trump Organization didn’t know about it, ALLEGEDLY. Neither the campaign nor the company reimbursed him, ALLEGEDLY. What about Donald Trump, the person himself? Did he know about it or reimburse Cohen? Well Cohen certainly isn’t denying it in that statement!

This is all definitely true and we for sure have the full story in front of us right now, about a really nice guy named Michael Cohen, who happens to be a lawyer, secretly paying a porn star $130,000 out of the goodness of his heart for no reason in particular out of an LLC in Delaware, a month before HIS OWN CLIENT, who allegedly had an affair with the porn star the year his young son was born, was barely elected president.

YOU BET.

Kevin Drum at Mother Jones has a theory about how the money laundering went:

Cohen paid Stormy; Kushner paid Cohen; Ivanka paid Kushner; Don Jr. paid Ivanka; and Don Jr.’s end-of-year bonus from The Trump Organization was $130,000 higher than last year thanks to his outstanding performance. You don’t believe me? Fine. Come up with a better theory.

That doesn’t even have any Russians in it, so it can’t be right, KEVIN. Insert nine Sergeis, three Vlads and a Boris in the middle, though, and we think Drum’s got it.

Stay tuned for a Wonkette lawsplainer, from our resident lawyer Five Dollar Feminist, on all the world of legal shit Cohen might be in now. Wheeeeeee!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries and servers are fully paid for by YOU! Please pay our salaries, so we NEVER DIE.

[New York Times / Mother Jones]

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  • Stulexington
  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    These people have no shame, but luckily, the rubes don’t care.

    • Blockhead Squared

      That’s why they are treated with contempt. Lie to them, manipulate them, it’s all they deserve. But the problem is the rest of us have to suffer for it as well.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Well. Donald’s legal eagles lay yet another egg.

  • memzilla Ω

    S T O R M Y W O C K Y

    ‘Twas porny and the golfy guys
    Did hire the pornstars day and night;
    All giggly were the girls whose eyes
    Were blank with greed and fright.

    “Beware The Donald,” they all warned
    Each other, “He has wandering hands.
    Beware the gifts – what’s rosed is thorned
    With fat and hairy glands.”

    She freshened up a bit and caught
    Him ogling at her from his bed;
    Though she could read his oafish thought,
    “Come here,” was all he said.

    Aroo! Aroo! He shuddered through
    The most generic kind of sex;
    She made him twitch while thinking which
    Was best to do to get her checks.

    “And did you do The Don somehow
    As number three wife had his child?
    You’ve got him by the short-hairs now!”
    She nodded as she smiled.

    She threatened she could make a splash
    With what he’d done unless they’d pay her;
    They wrote a check with campaign cash
    They’d stashed in Delaware.

    Of all the terrible mistakes
    That Donald Trump has ever made
    It’s odd the difference it makes
    Is how, not that, he paid.

    ‘Twas porny and the golfy guys
    Did hire the pornstars day and night;
    All giggly were the girls whose eyes
    Were blank with greed and fright.

    • gnomemansanisland

      kneads moar buttery mails

    • little miss high and mighty

      When do you find time to sleep?

    • SterWonk

      That is a thing of beauty; a true work of art.

  • Harry Nuggets

    Read up on this roach’s modus operandi. Here’s the article on Trump’s litigation history that the ABA wouldn’t publish for fear of, quelle suprise, getting sued by Donnie. Cohen comes off as particularly disgusting.

    https://www.vox.com/the-big-idea/2016/10/26/13408060/aba-libel-law-trump-abuse-times

    A Soprano’s quality thug who, at the very least, should be disbarred. I do not get how the bar works in New York state. You constantly read about legal tactics that would lead to serious disciplinary charges most anywhere else in the country.

    To make things even weirder, whenever Cohen has something to say, he sounds like the village idiot. So, I guess, in N.Y. all it takes to be a lawyer is chutzpah.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    “Also, too, the money was for purchase of a very special issue of Forbes magazine which I believe has value as a collector’s item.”

  • dslindc

    NO MONEY LAUNDERING! NO MONEY LAUNDERING! YOU ARE THE MONEY LAUNDERING!

  • boll ocks

    I always wanted to live in a country ruled by a crime family – dreams do come true!!!

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Wouldn’t you prefer being ruled by an efficient crime family?

      • janecita

        I would take the Corleone family over these bumbling idiots in a heartbeat.

  • weejee

    Obligatory…

    • little miss high and mighty

      wowa, thanks.

  • janecita

    I’m also some random woman, that doesn’t personally know Cohen nor Trump. Can I have my $130,000 now?

    • Resistor Radio

      It’d be so weird if you got your Cohen payout before you ever got a Sorosbuck.

      • janecita

        Right?! That Soros is one cheap bastard.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          He’s now putting his money into anti-Brexit Sorospounds. He’ll get back to you in a while.

          • Karen

            Goℴgle is giving every one $97 per/hr to complete few services from a laptop .. Work Some just few time & stay more time together with your own loved ones . Any one can also apply this special offer!!last Saturday I got a gorgeous McLaren F1 just after making $10,000 this past six weeks .no doubt it is the coolest job however you could not forgive yourself if you don’t read this.!je413j:➨➨➨ http://GoogleManagementHomeBasedBusiness/get/97$/hr ♥♥v♥♥♥f♥♥k♥♥♥g♥♥j♥x♥♥k♥♥t♥f♥♥a♥♥a♥♥e♥♥n♥♥k♥i♥u♥y♥♥♥f♥f♥♥p♥r♥♥♥r♥♥t♥♥w♥♥g:::::!kw58k:vwgd

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      *rifles through pockets” I’ve got, like $1.87. Will that work?

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        God you guys are rich!

      • TJ Barke

        Paul Ryan says you’re welcome.

      • Magic Juan

        Is that a rifle in your pocket or are you just happy to be here?

    • I have 3 bucks Canadian

      • Jeff Ackerman

        Loonies?

        • ((( Augustus )))

          one loonie and a twonie

    • Blockhead Squared

      Getting surgically enhanced and sounding like you’re a complete airhead is probably a good idea as well.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Another lawyer impaled on a sword.

    • Harry Nuggets

      More like another roach caught in a trap. Same thing I guess,

    • Way too nobel for this slimy little fuck-weasel

  • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

    This lie is just stupid.

    I mean, stupider than most of these people’s lies. But still stupid and will only create more problems than it could possible “solve.”

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Obama was a secret Muslim and was going to fundamentally transform America.

    • weejee

      Perhaps transmortifiy.

      / with apologies to Bill Watterson

    • New and Improved Say Wha

      Thanks, Obama.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    This is the same knuckle-dragging piece of shit who claimed that it is legally impossible for a husband to rape his wife. This is both morally deranged and factually untrue.

  • Jeff Ackerman

    I wish I had a Lawyer that paid for my hookers and blow!

  • New and Improved Say Wha

    …and so the Mother Superior says, “$130,000.00, same as downtown.”

  • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

    Don Jr.’s end-of-year bonus from The Trump Organization was $130,000 higher than last year thanks to his outstanding performance

    Is that factual, or is he just being snarky?

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Considering it’s a private company with no duty to disclose, I’d wager it’s pure speculation. But it’s about as reasonable as Sparky’s explanation up above.

  • armed_bears

    Rule 4.1, also too, legal bitches. He gonna go down.

    • C.W. St. John Nobbs

      On someone other than 2Scoops?

  • mardam422

    I understand completely. I often find myself walking down the street and just throwing some of my own money at women because they didn’t have an affair with my friend. Happens all the time. I don’t see the problem.

    • cmd resistor

      Also, too, I once set up an LLC to give $5 to a homeless guy for the hell of it.

  • Skeptical_thinker

    Does that picture of Cohen remind anyone else of Jim Nabors?

  • gnomemansanisland

    Cohen hoisted by his own dotard

  • Daniel Hooper

    The whole, “This has nothing to do with Trump having an affair with a porn star” thing really is undercut when you also say, “I will always protect Mr. Trump”

  • Anna Rompage

    Maybe Cohen paid Stormy $130,000 for the privilege of licking up the wet spot that she and Donad left on the bed…

    • gnomemansanisland

      There goes breakfast

      • Ghenghis McCann

        ..and lunch, dinner, supper and the midnight snack.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      That would require many, many more zeros & commas.

    • theblackdog

      It’s time for the second appearance of breakfast!

  • Chris Hall

    I can really believe this narrative (not the Trump being faithful part, the Cohen doing this off his own back part).

    Trump is deeply insecure and surrounds himself with sycophants and Cohen is one almighty suck-up, I can see that Cohen thought he could handle this quietly and discreetly and daddy would be sooo pleased when he told him the problem has just gone away.

    (I also don’t believe that it was Cohen’s money either)

  • ((( Augustus )))

    DISBAR THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT NOW

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Is this the money shot heard ’round the world?

  • goonemeritus

    I have a firm policy concerning not paying off porn stars for my friends.

  • TJ Barke

    This is so preposterous.

    • cmd resistor

      If you wrote it into a movie script they’d toss it right out.

  • Uncle Zor

    It wouldn’t be a proper Trump financial transaction without at least a few Sergeys in the mix somewhere.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      And a Vlad at the center.

  • Holly

    Ohhhh….Riiiiighhtttt…Suuurrre you did Cohen. Little white lies are so innocuous.

  • geoffalnutt

    Says who? Oh.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      That’s how you know this isn’t mob-related. Because mobsters don’t talk like that in every TV show, movie, or real life deposition they’ve ever been in.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Statement from fmr Press Secretary Sean Spicer:

    “Trump had the biggest payout for any Presidential porn star sexual encounter. Period.”

  • little miss high and mighty

    Putin cash

  • C.W. St. John Nobbs

    MAGA may have been the campaign slogan, but the admin slogan is “If you ain’t lying, you ain’t trying”. Put that on you shitty red chinese manufactured ball cap, and stick it up your jumper.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Soros could learn a thing or 130,000 about how to pay people from this guy.

    • gnomemansanisland

      I wouldn’t sleep with Soros for 130K

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Oh hey, evangelicals! He’s going to need another mulligan on this one.

    • gnomemansanisland

      Well, the Joo did it. – Every Evangelical

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Have you accepted Christ, your Lord and mulligan?

    • MynameisBlarney

      ALL THE MULLIGANS!

  • Phoenixdoglover
  • Scooby

    I hope he at least got an autographed DVD.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Reximus

    Happy Valentines, Stormy!

    Love, MC

  • NATOist

    Anyone remember that move The Believer with Ryan Gosling as a skinhead who is bankrolled by NYC society crypto-nazis? *Cough* NYT Quinn Norton debacle *cough*

    • gnomemansanisland

      A Quinn Norton Production

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      The Notebook? I never got to see it.

  • Reximus

    ….maybe it was a threesome and Mikey lost the flip?

    • gnomemansanisland

      “Stormy Needs More” starring Michael “Schwanz from the Bronx” Cohen and Donald Trump as the Dotard.

  • ArgieBargie

    “Neither the Trump Organization nor the Trump campaign was a party to the transaction with Ms. Clifford…”

    Notice that he didn’t mention The Dotard’s name. Nice try, you sneaky fucker.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      What about the Inauguration Committee? They’re still rolling in cash.

      • Proud Liberal

        Hey! Where is that money anyway?

      • ArgieBargie

        They are still paying off Melania.

        • Old Man Yells at Cloud

          The reason Melania is so pissed over this is not that Two Scoops cheated or that it was right after Baron was born or that Two Scoops paid her off, but because Daniels got a lot more than Melania will from the prenup.

          • Historicat

            Melania’s in it for the long haul but she has the perfect widow’s outfit picked out.

  • OrG

    Remember when Obama’s personal lawyer made a payoff to a porn star? For no reason at all?
    Me either.

  • WiscoJoe

    Don’t know why
    We paid you 130K
    Stormy Daniels
    Now please just go away
    Keeps blamin’ all the time

  • Proud Liberal

    His pay off is clearly a violation of ethics. He should lose his bar license.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1af17ba9f3d9da17cd70b0b88e8c9df839cbcc996f8f3b4fa9932fe9d932644a.gif

  • Squeegee

    This guy is on retainer by Trump so $130,000 of Trump’s money becomes $130,000 of his money.
    I’m curious how Stormy reported it on her tax return because it looks like it was characterized as a gift subject to income and gift tax.
    That being said curious also why he did it through an LLC you don’t use LLC’s as conduit to pay people money without trying to hide something

    • Hobbes’ like, smart Evil Twin

      Is there a line on Form 1040 for “extortion payouts”?

  • msanthropesmr

    So I got pulled over for DWI (I wasn’t). I was underage and had a bunch of beer in n my car
    One if the guys in the car was of age. I told the cop that it was the of age guy’s beer. This is the equivalent the of what Cohen’s argument sounds like.

  • Crystalclear12

    They really suck at this.
    They had all this time and this is the best story they can come up with?!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The Clinton’s would have just ‘disappeared’ Ms. Stormy.

    • Yeah, because they did such a fabulous job with David Bossie.

    • NATOist

      Haha, a HITLERY KILLinton joke! 4edgy99me.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Don’t most pornstars get ‘disappeared’ when they retire and go back to their real names?

      • WotsAllThisThen

        We like to say she went to live in a suburb upstate.

      • Nockular cavity

        You take that back about my mom!

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      No doubt they paid Stormy to sleep with Trump to begin with! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

  • Me The People

    “Of course, just so there’s no misunderstandings, you realise this is coming out of your end”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/eb1999f969beedaf4293a5552479745bfd68a8477f8286600aeaa75896f9046b.jpg

  • cmd resistor

    Can’t wait for the lawsplainer.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      “… I’m being told that I just admitted publicly to an ethical violation, because I’m a really shitty lawyer and don’t know the basic rules of my profession.”

      • Proud Liberal

        Because I only have one client who is corrupt as hell.

  • Proud Liberal

    Who is going to file a complaint with the New York State Bar? It has to be done. This is a clear violation of ethics.

    • cmd resistor

      Maybe the same group that did the FEC complaint? Common Cause? Maybe they are hoping to get some additional facts from this proceeding? Surely someone will.

      • Proud Liberal

        I’m hoping so. The man should lose his license to practice law.

        • cmd resistor

          They’re probably just figuring out how many violations they can zing him with. Whoever ends up doing it.

    • La forza del resistino

      AG Eric Schneiderman eats this stuff up for breakfast.

    • Blockhead Squared

      Indeed, but it seems you can do most anything in that State and not be disciplined. Like directly threaten people. Cohen did/does it all the time. “I’ll ruin your f-cking life.” Etc. Read up on his tactics representing Trump in libel suits. He’s a total thug.

  • msanthropesmr

    Cohen needs a sport hat like Carter Page.

  • NATOist
  • Reximus

    we will eventually find out this presidency is just a hidden camera reality show….right? Right?

    • msanthropesmr

      You haven’t realized that yet?

    • C.W. St. John Nobbs

      Kaufmanesque long haul performance art.

      • msanthropesmr

        Also Kafkaesque

      • Hobbes’ like, smart Evil Twin

        It’s turning into an SNL skit where they try to milk the premise for too long and ruin the joke.

        • Old Man Yells at Cloud

          And like most of SNL since the original cast, it wasn’t funny to start with.

      • Old Man Yells at Cloud

        More Sid and Marty Krofft-esque.

  • theblackdog

    How long until they pull even more of the FEC’s powers so they can’t actually do anything?

  • Bill D. Burger

    “Stormy Daniels was never borned’ ___ and the Preznut’ ain’t ever heard of Michael Cohen. I told yew’! She ain’t real. Next kwest-shun’.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/acb6a637e2374a278be73a4dddfeef26f758dbd01654b21291f18ff5c97269d1.jpg

    • James Baskin

      Stephanie Clifford? Never heard of her.

      • Hesavebread!

        Are you talking about the person Stephanie Clifford or the corporation Stephanie Clifford? She was wearing her gold fringe tassels so she’s under Admiralty Law so she isn’t under the president.

        • Opalescent Riddles

          “so she isn’t under the president”

          That ship already sailed.

        • arensb

          Wait, I thought the corporation was STEPHANIE CLIFFORD. Is there a Stephanie Clifford corporation as well?

      • Fatalysk Barnes

        They call her Stormy Daniels…. but Jessica Drake is just as bad…

  • James Baskin

    $130,000? Wondering if she showed him her boobs.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      If he didn’t stipulate that as part of the settlement, he’s a worse lawyer than I thought.

  • La forza del resistino

    Maybe he received a trunkload of her autographed DVDs and prized, classic VHS tapes in return?

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Bebecca

      and that’s a good point, vague lawyer talk, but I have no idea what facilitating the payment means.

      • Boscoe

        Even factoring in lawspeak, I don’t see how that could mean anything other than “enabling the payment to occur”. So maybe he just meant that he paid for his own cab when he delivered the check?

        • FeloniousMonk

          It means that the payment was actually made by somebody else who reimbursed Cohen. That’s just plain Anglais du legal.

  • New and Improved Say Wha

    Hey Mike, is that $130,000.00 in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

  • The Very Stable Librarian

    Only $130,000 to keep this quiet? Mr. Cohen thought he was getting a bargain. I bet he didn’t bargain on possibly getting disbarred. Oooops!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    I guess you can lie to Trump voters til the cows come home, but you can’t lie to the FEC.

    What a difference consequences make!

  • Ghenghis McCann

    ‘So, Mr Trump, I ask you. Did you sleep with this woman?’
    ”Not a wink, Your Honor.’

  • Scooby

    They should have just paid it to her as a speaking fee for the Values Voter Convention.

    • Boscoe

      DON’T HELP THEM!!!

    • Snarfyguy

      Wait a minute – really good point here. If the campaign wanted a legit payoff mechanism, why didn’t it just hire her as a “consultant” or something?

  • I’m pretty sure it’s also against various bar ethics to even circuitously admit your client was having an affair. Which is what this payment does.

    • the_steamer

      His last paragraph seems to tease that he believes Stormy is a “big fat liar” and the payment is just paying off a lying liar that lied, not to cover up any truth. But why wouldn’t that lying liar that lied continue lying after the payoff? What’s he gonna do, sue? Haha!

      • Boscoe

        Right? He expects us to believe that he’d pay off a liar and not just sue them? AND Durmph would be down with that? ROFL

  • Bill D. Burger

    “I paid her out of the goodness of my heart. That’s how I am. I’m a good guy. That’s all there is. It was a gift from me to a friend. Nothing to look at here. Nothing to see.” ____ Michael Cohen …probably

    https://media.giphy.com/media/38fblIIrHLMPe/giphy.gif

  • La forza del resistino

    no election, no election, Mike was just a party to the crime of solicitation. interstate at that.

  • Garbageman

    This is the same sweetheart who keeps threatening to sue EVERYBODY, right? I suppose it might be too much to ask for him to get disbarred, but we can always hope. At least it gets Stormy back in the news, because, hey, I love watching holier-than-thou evangelical Trump supporters squirm . . .

    • Bebecca

      but they don’t squirm and they don’t see any hypocrisy at all in their actions. If they were really about jesus, they would have supported Pence or Cruz, two scary jesus freaks but at least they know who jesus is unlike trump.

    • miss_grundy

      I will ask the stupid question: why didn’t Stormy blackmail him for more money after the first pay-out? Considering this was “hush money” for Dotard’s deeds back in the day, why wouldn’t she try to get more? There are crime shows that turn on this kind of double-dealing.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    Yeah, this is pretty much why no decent law firm has anything to do with Trump, and why he has to go dumpster-diving among mob lawyers and the peculiarly mustachio’ed.

    1) He won’t listen. 2) He won’t pay. 3) He will, inevitably, ask you to do something unethical or illegal.

    • Boscoe

      And, of course, in this case “inevitably” means “before lunch”.

  • Reximus

    ummm…Happy Valentines day, Yogi
    https://twitter.com/ABC/status/963807844016500736

    • ((( Augustus )))

      I love the name Jimbo for a big bear

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Bear people. They’re special folks.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      That is awesome. But I had to turn off the music because it’s the kind that makes me cry.

  • Somsai Resist

    Great pic, makes me laugh. I should use for my avatar.

  • Relativicus

    No, he used his own money to FACILITATE the payment of $130,000.

    http://reason.com/volokh/2018/02/14/did-trumps-lawyer-pay-stormy-daniels-out

    • Boscoe

      because he used his own envelope/stamp/pen to mail her the check…

  • Bill D. Burger

    I’m not a lawyer, but do they usually cover a client’s settlements out of their own pocket and without that client’s knowledge? ~snicker~

    “I was born in the morning___but not this morning.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5e10e6a65881af0038d4f901fbfbe1f49bb3e131854b25473d00aa73b973ef9c.gif

    • Fatalysk Barnes

      You’re not thinking like a wartime consigliere.

    • Boscoe

      What, are you trying to suggest Cohen isn’t a charitable kind of guy?

  • SayItWithWookies

    If you’ve seen pictures of Michael Cohen, he looks like Devin Nunes without the smarts. So who knows — yes, he would have to be really stupid to do something like that, but it’s hard to call it impossible.

    • Reximus

      Nunes has ‘smarts’?

      • SayItWithWookies

        No, he does not.

      • Nockular cavity

        SAYS WHO?

      • Boscoe

        In comparison…

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Only compared with Mickey Cohen and only verrrrry slightly.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Cohen is a graduate of the Western Michigan University Cooley Law School, recently “honored” as the worst law school in America. And in all probability, Trump hired him on the basis he hires anyone: 1) Are you loyal? 2) Will you yell at people I don’t like for me?

      So yeah, I’d say it’s quite possible he’d be that stupid.

      • cmd resistor

        That TPM story linked in the article said he’s never really practiced law so much anyhow.

        • miss_grundy

          Because he has only been consigliere to one guy in his entire professional life.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Cooley is notorious.

        The average Cooley LSAT score must be -300.

      • Snarfyguy

        Wiki: Cooley is shown as “Rank Not Published” in the U.S. News & World Report listing of law schools.[59] Cooley is ranked second in the twelfth edition of Judging the Law Schools, which is published by Cooley.[60]

  • Of course, this is the guy who pervs on his kid in anhedonic dead celebutante junkie drag, so it might have just been a burst of enthusiasm.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0210f30035d98d1b54bd1031a42b0cec2e4ea5baf3af8ed7011437d6a1eda600.jpg

  • reelreeler

    Hey Trump….remember when you trolled Obama for years about not being born in the USA…..Karma is an exponential bitch isn’t it?

    • miss_grundy

      We need her to be more exponentially. Where’s Mueller on this?

  • doggiedaddy

    In Cohen’s own words “Sezz who?”

    I prefer foney as puck.
    https://78.media.tumblr.com/0b975c736c714d71262c99aeca815e7c/tumblr_oyrbp8U8CL1r9hawdo1_1280.jpg

    • miss_grundy

      Someone is NOT a happy camper.

  • YouInDangerGirl!

    Trump sucks at crime but he sure is good at wriggling himself out of trouble for it. Does that make him good at crime, though? Gah. I’m taking the day off.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    This reminds me of that time I randomly gave away $30,000.00 to that escort I did not have relations with.

    • BearGHAZI

      You’re a good Christian, I can tell

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Surprised he didn’t pay in rubles.

    • dshwa

      Cash or Czech only for Trump

  • vonlmo

    Disgraced Democratic Presidential Candidate John Edwards comments in 3….2….1

  • Emily Sieger

    my theory: he “facilitated a payment” by merely paying the Wells Fargo moneygram fee

  • miss_grundy

    Well, the Russians could be in on it if the $130K came from the fees Dotard or the Trump Org receives for laundering money for Pooty and his chums. Now the rest of the linkages are fine. How’s that?

  • Bebecca

    I hope he’s disbarred and goes to prison, not just one but both. You know he’s done a bunch of illegal shit over the years for Donald. Why do all these people fall on their sword from trump? They all know he wouldn’t do the same for them.

  • John McLaughlin

    Trump and team serves up the disinformation and expect us to eat and eat it all. Not the America I know.

    • Boscoe

      it’s under new management.

  • Edith Prickly, Stable Genius

    if people could stop putting “Donald Trump” and “porn star” in the same sentence, that would be grreeeaaat.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I agree. It is very demeaning to all the decent porn stars out there to have their reputations linked to Donald Trump.

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    This is what it takes to survive in Trumpland; a demonstrated willingness to blow up your own career and confess to crimes in service of the God King.

  • BigCSouthside

    The real question is, what are the trying to get IN FRONT of

  • Fatalysk Barnes

    I’m not usually the sentimental type but this, this is what Valentines Day should be all about! Romance, friendship, gracious indifference to dropping large amounts of money in the pursuit of peace. Inspired!

    • Doug Langley

      Sure beats candy and flowers.

      • Snowbound Ron

        Even if it’s REALLY GOOD candy?

        • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

          Like, from a fancy shop in Colorado or California good – ?

          • Snowbound Ron

            Or Pulaski’s in Erie PA, or that place in Ocean City NJ that has the amazing macaroons.

          • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

            Hell, Erie ain’t that far from me. Used to live right next door to it in fact.

        • Doug Langley

          Hmm . . . $130,000 vs double chocolate peanut butter fudge brownie? I’ll get back to you.

  • Boscoe

    Whenever I see a pic of that guy, I imagine he has to constantly grind his teeth together otherwise his incisors will grow through his brain.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Beaver libels!

  • Snarfyguy

    What does it mean to say the payment “was not a campaign contribution?”

    How would payments OUT OF trump’s camp constitute a contribution?

    • stubbornirishlass

      He means that contributions to the Trump campaign were not used to pay her.

      • Snarfyguy

        Thanks. So the value of what you get in return for an extortion payment can constitute a contribution, even though it would presumably be offset by the payment itself? Bizarre!

        Follow-up questions: a) how is that not directly analogous to advertising and promotion and b) how could you ever quantify it? (I guess it’s worth whatever you paid for it, maybe.)

        I’m not asking you to provide the answers; I’m just trumpeting my own confusion!

        • stubbornirishlass

          Advertising is an expense, paid by the campaign, presumably out of campaign funds. In this case, Cohen is claiming that he paid $130K, all on his lonesome, to this lady for something he won’t specify – which obviously doesn’t pass the smell test. And if in fact he paid it to silence Ms Daniels, thereby assisting the campaign and influencing the election, then it counts as a $130K contribution to the campaign. Point is, whether the money came directly from the campaign, or he paid it to her from his own funds, it was still paid on behalf of the campaign, and therefore…

  • dshwa

    If anyone believes Cohen didn’t at the very least add to his billable hours to make up that money, I have a dacha on the Volga to sell you.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If that Dacha costs $130,000, I’m in!

      Don’t ask where the money came from.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Holy shit. Cohen must really, really want out of his job. He saw that porn star grenade and just threw himself on it in hopes of being “forced” to resign. Pffff, like the Taint cares if his lawyers have been disbarred.

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    Cohen is mobbed-up to his eyeballs and dirty as week-end old underwear in stomach-flu season. He can’t break from Trump. If Trump goes down, Mikey goes with him.

    This lie is so pathetic as to be totally hilarious.

    Keep up the good work, Mikey!

  • Boscoe

    Cohen operates on the same principle as Drumph’s “charity donations”: if someone hands you money to give to someone else, that money is now “yours” and so you get all the credit for giving them “your” money.

    • Snarfyguy

      That’s pretty much in line with the notion that if you own 30% of a development project and you don’t have any liability in it, you can truthfully claim to own 50% of it.

      I mean, is it any wonder the guy’s businesses go bankrupt or otherwise fail on a regular basis?

  • writersbloc

    It’s amazing how anyone else in the world tells a contradicting story it’s clear they’re lying, but this administration seemly gets a pass on rewriting their own history on a daily basis.

    • cmd resistor

      Yeah, and then they steal our words and warp the meanings. Like now people like Sarah and Trump are screaming about Due Process like they have a clue what it even means.

      • Snarfyguy

        Where was all this “due process” that people are supposed to get when Trump was questioning the validity of Obama’s citizenship?

        • cmd resistor

          That was just different.

        • Terpsichord

          In Trumpenfuhrerland, the blahs don’t get due process.

        • stubbornirishlass

          Also, lock her up, because emails. Or something.

      • Boscoe

        Due process = conservatives always get off the hook

        • cmd resistor

          Right. It’s NOT FAIR if I have to pay any consequences.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      See also: white privilege, the ultimate.

  • SterWonk

    With all their practice lying, you’d think Trump’s associates would have gotten better at it by now… 🙄

    • cmd resistor

      Just keep repeating it and it becomes true.

      • Snowbound Ron

        ‘What I tell you three times is true.’
        I suspect Donnie didn’t understand that ‘The Hunting of the Snark’ was satire.

  • If it had nothing to do with Trump, allegedly, maybe Cohen’s wife has some questions.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Like he has a wife.

      • cmd resistor

        Doesn’t he have a Ukranian wife, or am I getting him mixed up with someone else?

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    But I thought this was all fake news! Why give money to some porn star over fake news?

  • Beowoof14

    Sounds like Cohen is confused about the practice of law. You bill the client, you don’t pay their bills. Simple economic reality that you must follow.

    • Snowbound Ron

      Why bother to bill a client who you already know won’t pay you?
      I’m thinking Cohen might not have the financial acumen ((( his people ))) are known for.

      • Boscoe

        (((ROFL)))

  • CripesAmighty

    They’re not even pretending anymore. Laws are only a deterrent if there’s somebody prepared to enforce them. Now that the rules of the Fourth Reich are beginning to jell, consequences are for poors and browns. For rich, white pals of Il Douche, “So what? Whaddyagonnadobouddit?”

  • His “explanation” seems to admit that Trump had a problem with Daniels, Cohen knew the specifics of Trump’s problem, and so he chose to deal with the problem in a way that violated laws, rules and ethics in ways that opens him to censure, disbarment, and even criminal charges. And it didn’t make the Daniels problem go away anyway.

    • Snowbound Ron

      So much winning!

    • Boscoe

      I just had a thought: maybe getting disbarred is a purposeful, desperate attempt to get out of having to lawyer for Trump?

      • I’m sure that if Cohen destroys his career to help Trump, Trump will totally reward him. Totally sure.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I’m wondering – as the Twitter post about mentions, it’s illegal for lawyers to pay for their clients’ legal expenditures. Does that include bribing a private citizen?

      • Snarfyguy

        Does a payment in return for not making a false statement constitute a “bribe?” I don’t think you can bribe a private citizen. I don’t get it.

        It sounds more like an extortion payment.

  • jeffg166

    He also has a great deal on a bridge in Brooklyn if anyone is interested.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Neither the Trump Organization nor the Trump campaign was a party to the transaction with Ms. Clifford, and neither reimbursed me for the payment, either directly or indirectly,” Mr. Cohen said in a statement to The New York Times.

    Note the delicate nuances of Mr. Cohen’s “statement.” He was not, he says, reimbursed for 130,000 clams by the Trump Organization or the Trump campaign.

    This leaves open the (unanswered) follow-up question of who or what organization did redeem his marker. The John Barron Foundation? The Corporation for Putin Broadcasting? The Mary Anne MacLeod Fund for the Enticement of Wayward Girls? Does he have a magic suit in which $130,000 and no/100 appears in the right breast pocket? If so, I would like to hire his tailor.

    Far be it from me to accuse Trump’s long-time conpigliere of speaking or behaving in an honest, ethical fashion. But he does seem to have phrased his statement in a manner that (he believes) gives him just enough wiggle room to get past a Republican Congress in joint session with the Russian Duma.

    Mind you, I still think he has talked himself into a disbarrment, something of a tradition with Trump fixers.

    I also suspect that by now Mueller knows exactly where that money came from and how it got into Mickey Cohen’s hands. If not, Team Mueller will follow the assorted “tells” in Counsellor Cohen’s statement to figure out the money trail.

    In a spirit of selfless and disinterested advice (with votes) to Attorney Cohen, I would like to point out that if you happened to be kicked off the rolls of assorted Bar Associations for grossly unethical conduct, you are not required to also acquire an incurable disease that will cause Donald Trump to refuse to come within a hospital and three city blocks of you.

    Keeping happy thoughts.

    Just so you know.

    • brucej

      those ‘delicate nuances’ could be used to hammer in railroad spikes, they’re so obvious…does he REALLY think he’ll get away with this?

  • He doesn’t say he paid the money, he said he “facilitated the payment with his own funds”
    https://twitter.com/Charlesthornt/status/963826561513410565

  • BearGHAZI

    Over at Breitbart, the comments section is a balanced contemplation of spiritual ethics vs. how much they don’t give a shit

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      “Sure, he may b a syphilitic tyrant who fucks porn stars on the reg and is enriching himself in office, but at least he’s not a ni-CLANG!”

      • texcynical

        He’s not qualified to be sheriff of Rock Ridge, much less POTUS.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Cohen paid Stormy; Kushner paid Cohen; Ivanka paid Kushner; Don Jr. paid Ivanka; and Don Jr.’s end-of-year bonus from The Trump Organization was $130,000 higher than last year thanks to his outstanding performance.

    Holy fucking shit.

    • The shit, while I doubt sanctified, is definitely about fucking.

  • Wookie Monster

    C’mon! Who hasn’t setup a series of shell corporations to secretly pay a porn star $130,000 to not talk about an affair she definitely did not have with a friend?

    • Hesavebread!

      Let s/he who is without sin cast the first movie.

    • stubbornirishlass

      I did that just last week. Oh wait, no I didn’t.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    This whole Cohen thing is so poorly done that I assume it’s meant to distract us from something else.

  • Anybody ask Cohen’s wife? I bet she knows what’s up and won’t mind talking. If she doesn’t know what’s up, she’s probably pissed off and won’t mind talking.

    Pretty sure with enough wine, she’d gab like a common Martha Mitchell.

  • BMW

    To recap:
    Hillary had an email server instead of using government email is proof she definitely improperly stored classified information which should be treated like a capital crime.
    That the Trump campaign, Trump Foundation, Trump University, and Trump Organization *each* get accused of doing illegal stuff with money is only proof that the liberal news media is out to get Donald Trump, and any investigation is less important than protecting Carter Page’s civil liberties.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Ah, i see you’re finally starting to catch on.

    • lroom

      Don’t forget about the security of letting anybody and their brother handle top secret info without clearance.

  • JohnE_o

    I wish people would give me $130,000 for no particular reason whatsoever…

  • Gorillionaire

    I wish news orgs would stop calling Cohen a “lawyer”. His degree is from a diploma mill that has fell in and out of compliance and he has never practiced law, apart from setting up hatchet jobs for the boss.

    • Hesavebread!

      He’s studied law so he’s a lawyer. You need a different term for people who are actually certified etc. Here anyone can call themselves a lawyer but that means nothing; to practice you need to be a solicitor which means registering with the (equivalent of) the bar association, doing CPD, being insured etc. etc.

  • FeloniousMonk

    Mr. Blake at the Post points out that Cohen said he used his own money “to facilitate” the payment. He also denied being reimbursed by “the Trump Organization” or by “the Trump campaign.” IOW, he got DJT’s personal check to cover it. It sure wasn’t Melania’s right?

  • andyshelt

    “Neither the Trump Organization nor the Trump campaign was a party to the transaction with Ms. Clifford, and neither reimbursed me for the payment, either directly or indirectly,”

    Not getting reimbursed by Trump for services performed is probably the only part of the story that is even remotely plausible!

    • FeloniousMonk

      Not Trump though. “Trump Organization” and “Trump campaign” are the only 2 entities that can be ruled out here. Trump has many other entities, and he may even have his own personal check book too.

      • Walther von der Vogelweide

        Or maybe through a specific deduction in the tax “reform,” the reimbursement was via US Treasury. Without that “charity”/slush fund Trump needs a new source for making bribe payments.

    • Mavenmaven

      Probably the Russians handled this one.

  • Walther von der Vogelweide

    With lawyers like Cohen and Dowd (the guy who took the blame for that highly incriminating tweet a while back) I have to wonder how much more he wants from these guys that he needs his “Cohn.”

  • Mavenmaven

    The Corleones handled Pat Geary’s situation better, but then the Trumps and their lawyers are all Fredos.

  • puredog

    How about that Russian ATM withdrawal of $150K-ish right after the election? Hein?

    • Ms.Moon

      Or that still missing $107 million from the inauguration.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Trump may not have as much money as he says he does, but he probably could easily afford $130,000. I agree that saying “the Trump campaign” or “the Trump organization” didn’t pay is dancing around the issue.

    As far as I’m concerned, Trump can cheat on his wife with a sex worker or whoever else he wants. It’s just interesting, say, that Mike Huckabee can talk about how the Obamas are immoral because they let their daughters listen to Beyonce, but it’s perfectly OK for his own daughter to work for a guy like Trump.

    • Blackest Noobs

      Because White People don’t care when other White People do bad things

      don’t believe me…watch this very important PSA for black people:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_LeJfn_qW0

    • Shawn Charniga

      His cuff links are known to be cheap fakes.

      His CUFF LINKS.

      • Dixie Gale

        That is the most telling detail of all.

        • Shawn Charniga

          Exactly my point. It’s SO insignificant, and even that’s bullshit.

  • Fredos all the way down.

    • Katamount

      They’re smart and they want respect!

      • Shawn Charniga

        Not dumb! Like people say!!!

  • Blackest Noobs

    jesus….just having rumours you fucked a porn star should right there end your political career, done and over it.

    so the real question is WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS WRONG WITH REPUBLICANS????

  • Andrew P Clifton

    Gives a whole new meaning to ‘pro bono.’

    • porno boner

      • brucej

        you Sir and/or Madam have won the internets today. Please forward a shipping address!

    • These clowns are more like amateur bonos.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I imagine one can achieve great joy by going up to random porn stars and saying: “Hello, lovely Porn Lady, would you like $130,000 for no particular reason?” Why should we begrudge Cohen this simple pleasure?

  • Kooolest G

    here’s my theory on what happened, the RNC found out about the stormy daniels story and went to trump and said “you gotta pay her off to keep quiet before the election” trump said “wait a second, pay her to keep it a secret?!!! I’ve been bragging about fucking beautiful women behind my wives’ backs for years, hell I even pretended to be my own publicist to call a tabloid to tell them I fucked carla bruni when I actually didn’t. no way in hell I’m gonna pay her.” so Rience Preibus is getting phone call after phone call from ralph reed and franklin graham saying “we don’t want to go on TV again and say how this is just fine with us, the pussy grabbing tape is tough enough, pay her to shut up! we’ll pay for it” Reince says “OK but I’m not bringing her a check out of my account, that’s a campaign finance violation, who do we know that isn’t afraid to break the law for trump, hmmmmm. Spicey!! get me that jew lawyer of trump’s that went on CNN and pretended trump was ahead in the polls, he’ll do anything”

    makes as much sense as kevin drum’s theory

  • Lurkylu,of theChicagoLurkylus

    Mueller’s job is going to be really easy if Cohen is typical of the advisors Trumpf has been working with. This is such a great example of the Trumpf ethos– surround yourself with cheap know nothing hacks, and by all means fall into easily avoidable traps.

  • Tony Prost

    is this the guy that said he wrote one of Trump’s tweets that got him in trouble?

    • brucej

      Yes. And he was just as believable then!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Your white house ladies and gentlemen. Jesus fucking Christ.

  • Donna Mueller

    now that cohen has violated the agreement with daniels, or whatever her name is, methinks she may just start to sing like a bird. now THAT would be priceless!!!!!!!!!!

  • Shawn Charniga

    Ummmm…does anyone else recall seeing an invoice about a month ago, when this gross story blew wide open, that showed this being billed to the campaign for “professional services?”

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    Cohen paid Stormy; Kushner paid Cohen; Ivanka paid Kushner; Don Jr. paid Ivanka; and Don Jr.’s end-of-year bonus from The Trump Organization was $130,000 higher than last year thanks to his outstanding performance. You don’t believe me? Fine. Come up with a better theory.

    If you don’t think that in every step of the transaction, the intermediary didn’t get a “finder’s fee” added for their own benefit, you’re fooling yourself. By the time Donnie Jr.’s bonus was added to, I’d bet it was at least $500,000 higher. And that that bonus came from the Trump Foundation, provided by the donors.

  • JoeChristmas

    So Cohen did the Stormy Shithole too?

    And, why didn’t they just let this die out like all the other un fucking believable scandals over the last two years? À la not enforcing sanctions, or Whitefish Energy, or…Something bothers them about this.

    And Maggie Habermas is a rube.

  • Donna Mueller

    cohen is a lawyer?? where did he pass the bar? on the moon??? when the story of this horse shitshow in D.C. is written a few years from now, the title should be- “All the Presidents Idiots”.

    • The Amazon Men on the Moon didn’t work out so well.

  • Slime-balls, roly-poly slime-balls

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKDtUzRIG6I

    • lroom

      Eat them up yum.

  • “He declined to answer several follow-up questions…”

    Was one of the follow up questions “Do you really expect anyone to believe this obvious load of shit?” Because it should have been.

  • matthewthawkins

    I suspect Trump has gotten himself into Stormy Waters.

    • Well, if the account is correct, he didn’t get into Stormy Daniels…..

      • matthewthawkins

        Damn, nobody got the joke. Stormy Daniels and Stormy Waters are the same person. She changed her name when she became successful.

  • rubikcube

    Come to find out Michael was paid for issuing that statement the exact amount of 130K.

  • Niblick

    Cohen looks like Jim Nabors
    and Oh By the Way… you paid a porn queen 130K$ and didn’t get some? Not even a little? What a maroon!

  • Magic Juan

    My big question is why the hell did he suddenly do this? Someone have something else on him that they threatened him with?

    • brucej

      Easy. Like literally everyone else in the Trump Orbit, he’s not very good at what he does. It’s like a crime family made up entirely of Fredos….

  • tkingt

    My source in D.C. said Donnie Jr. gave Cohen 130K in cash and said “take care of this”.

  • GaseousAnomaly

    Anybody catch this?

    “I am Mr. Trump’s longtime special counsel and I have proudly served in that role for more than a decade.”–Michael Cohen

    OK, but according lawdictionary.org, “special counsel” is:

    “the name that is given to the attorney who is employed to assist a state or a federal attorney general in a prosecution case.”

    So, Michael Cohen CAN’T be “Mr. Trump’s longtime special counsel” because special counsels work FOR THE PROSECUTION.

    As with Trump and everyone around him, stupid walks before evil.

  • Zyxomma

    Lock. Them. Up. AOT, K.

  • Mark Breitinger

    130K dollarz out of his own pocket, and all of them crumpled singles

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