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raaaaaaaain, feel it on my fingertips, see it on the windowpane, that pee’s flowin’ down like …

Many thousands of years ago, a website about 15 Fainting Goats Who Literally Can’t Even Right Now made the hard news decision to publish THE STEELE DOSSIER, a collection of salacious and unverified raw intelligence reports from Chris Steele, one of the world’s most respected British spies, about a Trump-Russia conspiracy to steal America and give it to Donald Trump and Russia. None of it has been debunked, some has been corroborated, and Republicans HATE that. Upon publication, Buzzfeed made clear the allegations in the dossier weren’t confirmed (including the big PEE TAPE claim in the first memo), but that the intelligence reports themselves were newsworthy, need-to-know information. People can disagree with that decision — Chris Steele wasn’t pleased — but the dossier added to the ever-growing wealth of reporting on what indeed looks to be the greatest international scandal in modern history, even if the American participants in the conspiracy are complete fucking dimwits.

Buzzfeed has been sued hard by Russian spy oligarchs, who contend Buzzfeed LIBELED them by publishing their names in a dossier that called them Russian spy oligarchs. Specifically it is being sued by Aleksej Gubarev, a Russian whose company’s servers were allegedly used in the hacks of the DNC, allegedly.

Gubarev’s lawyer Evan Fray-Witzer says Buzzfeed can hire “Nancy Drew, Encyclopedia Brown, or Sherlock Holmes” to look into the dossier’s claims about his client, and they won’t find anything. Typical dumb lawyer, YOU CAN’T HIRE STORYBOOK CHARACTERS. (That’s right, we just #lawyered the lawyer BACK.)

Instead, according to Foreign Policy, Buzzfeed hired FTI Consulting, one of them private intelligence-type firms where smarty pants former FBI people go to make real money, and its team, led by Anthony Ferrante, who “coordinated the US government’s response to Russian election interference” at the FBI, has traipsed the globe for the past six months to get THE DODGY DOSSIER verified:

At FTI, Ferrante launched what’s now been a months-long stealth effort chasing down documents and conducting interviews on the ground in various countries around the world. His team directed BuzzFeed lawyers to subpoena specific data and testimony from dozens of agencies or companies across the country and assembled a cyber ops war room to analyze that data, according to sources familiar with the work. […]

BuzzFeed’s outside attorneys initially hired FTI to verify aspects of the dossier specifically pertaining to the Gubarev lawsuit, but its scope has since expanded. “If it’s fact, it’s not libel, that’s the idea,” one source told FP.

In other words, MIGHT AS WELL FIND THE PEE TAPE WHILE WE’RE AT IT! (It’s been in a Blockbuster Video in Minsk the whole time!)

So this is all fun! And wouldn’t it be nice for the discovery in this lawsuit to go ahead and help corroborate DODGY DOSSIER stuff for special counsel Robert Mueller, who is very quietly investigating all this right now too? According to Foreign Policy, the names of expert testifying witnesses in the lawsuit, which was filed in Florida, will be released tomorrow (Thursday).

Presumably this private spy work will also help in the defamation lawsuit filed against Buzzfeed by Trump idiot lawyer Michael Cohen over his starring role in THE DOSSIER. Cohen was most recently seen in these pages paying a porn star $130,000 of his own money for no reason at all, and definitely not to buy her silence about all the times she fucked Donald Trump while his wife was in labor, ALLEGEDLY.

In other Buzzfeed lawsuit news, the company has decided to sue the DNC, to force it to come up off its shit with evidence the Russians hacked its servers, specifically information that would knock Mr. Gubarev’s libel claim on its ass. (Guess those hired spies found something!) The DNC is like “don’t wanna,” insisting that to release things like hacker signatures would also “expose details of the D.N.C.’s information systems, possibly making them more vulnerable to another hack,” according to Vanity Fair.

Maybe so, but we really think it’s time for the DNC to stop acting like a common Hillary Clinton who likes to hide things for no reason in particular, unless the DNC wants to keep letting Sean Hannity make up Seth Rich conspiracies about WHO IS THE REAL HACKER.

Buzzfeed, loving editorial tip from yr Wonkette: When you get the pee tape, you should turn it into a listicle with .GIFs of chihuahuas making SURPRISE FACE at various screenshots of Donald Trump getting peed on by Russia’s finest pee hookers.

LOL, as if we even needed to say that, Buzzfeed pre-wrote that draft months ago.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries and servers are fully paid for by YOU! Please pay our salaries, so we NEVER DIE.

[Foreign Policy]

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  • MynameisBlarney

    What if its more like a poo tape?

    2 girls, one trump?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I’d like to see the evangelist reaction to the Pee Pee Tape.

    • TJ Barke

      EOKIYAT.
      Everything’s okay if you’re a Trump.

      • Bill O’Neil

        I’m still waiting for all those Access Hollywood tapes that NBC has been sitting on.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Another mulligan.

    • Full Nelson Reilly

      It would be in three stages…

      1. Denial
      2. Excuses
      3. Fapping

      • YoBunnyBunny

        4) Rewind

    • Michael Smith

      He’s too inexperienced at politics to know that it was wrong?

    • Gayer Than Thou

      “Mulligan” is the new golden shower.

      • OneYieldRegular

        I’d never even heard of a “mulligan” before Tony Perkins talked about wanting to give one to Trump. I just assumed it was something sordid.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg
    • TJ Barke

      Freedom is not knowing if your children are going to come home from school.

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        Dude, that’s so dark.

        Well said.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Freedom’s just another word for no children left to lose.

    • msanthropesmr

      Hey, I wanted to ask what is going on with your foreign Minister?

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        He resigned in shame. Like he should. Dickwaffle.

        • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

          Whoever he is, from now on any future references to his name in the press should be changed to Dick Waafel.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I have to get out of this country.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Me too.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Given that Stormy has outwitted Trump’s fuckwit lawyer and might start leaking all the details of her gag-fest with Trump, I don’t think I want to know any more details about anymore Trump-Trysts. Can we just leave it to the imagi—OH GAWD BRAIN BLEACH NOW!!!1!11

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
      • YoBunnyBunny

        Look at all that fluff and cuteness there!!!!

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, Thanks. Much better now.

        • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

          I have that on while I am working and when I go to bed every night. It is so relaxing.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Shooter was white teen. Nothing to see here folks. Just exercising his 2nd amendment right.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Oh good, well its a good thing it was just another lone wolf attack and nothing to worry about.

      • OneYieldRegular

        We sure do seem to have one gignormous pack of lone wolves in this country.

  • goonemeritus

    I assume most Trump voters spend the majority of the day watching porn anyway so I don’t think airing this tape would change their opinions of their guy.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      They get a Mulligan from Jesus so itz ok.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    This just coming in: Yes, oh god, yes, yes, now, oh god, oh jesus, fuck, fuck, ahhhhh.

    Stormy Daniels, the porn star whom President Donald Trump’s personal attorney acknowledged paying $130,000 just before Election Day, believes she is now free to discuss her alleged sexual encounter with Trump, her manager told The Associated Press Wednesday.

    Daniels, whose real name is Stephanie Clifford, believes that Trump attorney Michael Cohen invalidated a non-disclosure agreement after two news stories were published Tuesday: One, in which Cohen told The New York Times that he made the six-figure payment with his personal funds, and another in the Daily Beast, which reported that Cohen was shopping a book proposal that would touch on Daniels’ story, said the manager, Gina Rodriguez.

    “Everything is off now, and Stormy is going to tell her story,” Rodriguez said.

    https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/porn-star-who-alleged-trump-sexual-encounter-i-can-now-n848061

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Team DNA sample here.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      “The President’s dick reminded me of a night crawler. Cold, wiggly, and dirty”

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        Snork!

      • SigDeFlyinMonky

        “It was the size of a roll of dimes and it didn’t get any bigger.”

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Nice try, but Kimmel isn’t falling for that one again!

    • writersbloc

      Guessing someone might be willing to pay more than $130,000 for that story.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      I don’t want to hear about him fucking Stormy Daniels, I want to hear about him fucking our elections.

    • Rags

      I pray she was wearing a blue dress.

      • Rags

        Replying to self to congratulate self on prescience.

  • NATOist

    LPT: when running from the cops, do not try to escape by ramming the main gate of the NSA.

    https://www.thecipherbrief.com/source-nsa-not-target-gate-shooting-incident

    • WotsAllThisThen

      I thought it was the one place they wouldn’t follow!

      • NATOist

        The county cops won’t, but the NSA cops will Guantanamo you.

        • WotsAllThisThen

          That’s easy. Just scream real loud that you know Donald Trump and they better let you go or you’ll release the pee tape. That usually works.

    • C.W. St. John Nobbs

      So, was this another caper masterminded by DJTJr?

  • Indiepalin

    The Hardy Boys and their fat friend Chet Morton, fresh from solving the Clue of the Broken Blade, are on the case.

    • mailman27

      I believe Chet was their stocky chum, if you don’t mind.

      • The Wanderer

        Their adipose acquaintance?

      • C.W. St. John Nobbs

        He also approves of husky as a descriptor.

  • Martini A 🍸 , glamazon bitch

    On the list of weird surprises, BuzzFeed as the bleeding edge of journalistic scoop providers is yet another “so 2018” thing that would confuse patients emerging from 5-year comas. You’ll won’t believe number 3!

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      No Seriously! The Russians made Donald Trump President.

    • armed_bears

      “3. NYT can’t decide if it wants to hire Nazi friends.”

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      They have been using the money from their click bait lists to hire Pulitzer’s prize winning journalists for a few years and have a serious news side.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Ugh. Does this mean I should take their damn quiz and find out which 80s Britpop band I am?

        • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

          I guess, it does support their serious side.

        • YouInDangerGirl!

          I kind of enjoy the juxtaposition of serious journalism with dumber quizzes than Cosmo’s. A foot in the gutter and an eye on the stars, right?

          • Gayer Than Thou

            I actually had to stop reading it because I found it to be a giant time suck that I kind of couldn’t control.

        • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

          You’re Kajagoogoo. Now you don’t have to take the quiz…

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Teen Vogue being the bleeding edge of intersectional feminist revolutionary polemics?

  • memzilla Ω

    … to release things like hacker signatures would also “expose details of the D.N.C.’s information systems, possibly making them more vulnerable to another hack…”

    ROADAPPLES. The only way that would happen is if THEY HADN’T PATCHED AND UPGRADED AND SECURED THE VULNERABILITIES THAT LET THEM GET HACKED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

    Also too: DON’T YOU THINK THE RUSSIANS ALREADY KNOW HOW YOU GOT HACKED???

    (sorry for the shouty-caps, but BLATANT FUCKING LYING triggers me, grrr)

  • Daniel

    Small point: Minsk isn’t in Russia. It’s in Belarus, the hard-line Stalinist dictatorship we pretend isn’t there.

    • The Wanderer

      And home to the annual Eurasian Village Idiots Convention.

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        “Stupid Eurovision”?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      He didn’t say it was in Russia.

      • Daniel

        The pee tape has not yet had international release.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          I’m pretty sure the pee tape’s entire existence was ABOUT International Release, if you catch my drip–er, drift.

          • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

            Region-free or… bust?

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Which literally translates to “White Russia.” (Byelorussia) The GOP, by the same construct, wants this country to be Byelamerika.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Happy Valentines Day from the NRA to all the Republicans and 2nd Amendment gun humpers of Murrica’!

    “The NRA: Killing Our Children Since 1876”

    To the GOP from the NRA:

    http://cdn0.wideopenspaces.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/2e2b8220618b46658814eb3cc28256cc-guns-and-ammo-valentine-sday.jpg

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      So that was a “Mass Valentine Distribution” going on in Florida?

      • Bill D. Burger

        Bingo. All that would have helped is ….. more gunz’! If all the kids had been armed those good guys could have dropped him politely-like.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Poor Charlie Brown never gets a valentine!

        • The Wanderer

          In context, he should be grateful for that.

          • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

            Good grief…

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      I guess now it really is too soon to talk about the St Valentine’s Day Massacre.

      • Bill D. Burger
        • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

          You only get one shot at love…

          • Bill D. Burger

            Anything more than that makes you a shooting star.

          • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

            Roses are red,
            Violets are blue,
            If you don’t love me, I’ll shoot you
            On Fifth Avenue.

            (A Trump supporter’s love poem.)

          • RickyG

            Not with Cupid’s bump stock

        • Msgr_MΩment
      • weejee

        Next year will be the 90th Anniversary. Will Hallmark or Papyrus make some commemorative cards to give yer sweetie?

        • LucindathePook

          Is 10th anniversary of shooting murders at Northern Illinois Univ. too. Five dead, 17 wounded.

    • Daniel

      Dear Pentup Forum, I never thought this would happen to me…

  • The Wanderer

    Wouldn’t that be a Хранилище видеоигр in Minsk?

    • Ling Ling

      Yes. Yes it would.

  • Uncle Zor

    At a Blockbuster Video in Minsk? Genius! A Blockbuster Video in anywhere is the one place where no one would ever find it!

    • GoutMachine

      Apparently, Blockbuster is alive and well and living in Alaska.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    I’ll await to see what Monsieur Poirot has to say about all of this before I decide what to think.

  • OT: Who had today in the office pool?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJQZnCbCS6U

    • Bill D. Burger

      To soon to talk about any of this. We need to send thoughts & prayers:

      https://i.imgflip.com/17iw61.jpg

      • cmd resistor

        It’s ok, Trump sent “prayers and condolences.” That ought to do something.

    • cheetojeebus

      The cell video from inside is fucking horrifying. The fucking NRA, Gun makers and that shit you know (we all know someone I bet) who bought an Ar are fucking worthless garbage.

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        Still too soon to do anything about Columbine.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Damnit. Now I have to restart my calendar of Days-till-we-can-discuss-meaningful-gun-control. Again!

  • msanthropesmr
  • BMW
    • Bill D. Burger

      Stormy to The Dotard: “Urine good hands today baby.”

    • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

      “We’ve got a wee problem on our hands”

  • Bill D. Burger
  • OneYieldRegular

    Do we really need or (more to the point) want to see this tape? The guy is so creepo as it is that one’s first reaction is not even “unh-unh, no way” but rather “yeah, probably,” and besides, golden showers seem a hell of a lot less egregious than praising actual Nazis, threatening the free press, transforming our parks into fracking sites and turning the U.S. electoral process over to Vladimir Putin.

    • HogeyeGrex

      “We” may not need to see it, but the base does. Many will scream “fake news” even in the face of the undeniable, but it might strip away just that many more for the midterms.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      I’m really convinced that the only thing that would get his cult to abandon him is if he actually became a decent person.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      *I* don’t want to see it, but I sure want Franklin Graham Jr. and Tony Perkins to have to see it. Over and over.

      • UnsaltedSinner

        They’ll love it.

      • OneYieldRegular

        I dunno. I’m not sure I’d want to give them the thrill they’d get out of it.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    So much fodder, but mass shootings just knock the snark right out of me.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yes, they do, but they give the NRA Board of Directors a woody.

  • Ninja0980

    Who in their right mind wants to see this tape anyway?

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Michael Smith

    So will conservatives see this investigation as a victory for the private sector?

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Nope, they will see it as more people who are Anti-American.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I would totally read Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Missing Pee Tape.

    • Vicki Lawrence’s Shh…Doritos
      • Ling Ling

        Now show me the picture where she meets the nice Russian ladies.

    • Daniel

      Not the Hardy Boys?

      • Vicki Lawrence’s Shh…Doritos

        The Hardy Boys Crack the Case of the Lost Wrestling Singlet.

      • Gayer Than Thou
        • Shanzgood (14 Days!)

          They didn’t do a THING for this straight chick.

          • Gayer Than Thou

            Oh, the things I wanted to do to Parker Stevenson! Actually, I was too young to know what the options actually were, but I knew I wanted to do “things”!

          • arundel

            OH wow, there’s mah gay awakening in that picture. I couldn’t pick one, I wanted.. like you, not sure. See them naked? Yeah. Strange but true though: I also lusted after Pamela Sue Anderson too. She was on the cover of Playboy when Nancy Drew was airing, and I was dying to pick it up and open it, but I didn’t dare because I was 9 and buying comic books, and the Italian gents were Catholic like me were known to reprimand naughty boys who did that.

            So I guess I was trendily bisexual in 1978, before I knew really what sex was. I suppose my ideal Hefner-esque , clothing-optional pool party then would be: Parker, Shaun and Pamela Sue; Bo Schneider, Lynda Carter, Dirk Benedict, Farrah Fawcett and Lee Majors (though they would probably have an argument, according to the Enquirer I avidly read then), Lyle Waggoner, Andy Gibb, .. that would be the A-List, and they all have to be nekkid at some point or another.

            No sex, alcohol, drugs, or cigs. Order will be maintained by a pantsuit clad Kate Jackson, in a friendly feminist un-judgmental way. (Sex-positive though my tyrannical boy self has banned it because I’m too young for that shit, and hey, it’s my party.) Kate’s the best, she understands because she’s The Smart One, remember? The afternoon entertainments will be programmed by Julie Your Cruise Director, a true professional despite her terrible coke problem. (“What did I tell you, Julie?”)

            Sorry for going on! You evoked memories, in a nice way. Wow that’s a funny time of life. Thanks for the boners, 70s tv!

          • Gayer Than Thou

            The Six Million Dollar Man was actually the first man I was conscious of having “feelings” for.

          • H0mer0

            Parker Stevenson was, uh, exquisite!

          • Shanzgood (14 Days!)

            I’ll be take your word for it.

        • MynameisBlarney

          People really had no fucking idea what to do with hair back then.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      You can download the livestream. If you have the right I Pee address.

      • Rags

        or URinaL

        • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

          On your pee’er to pee’er network.

          • Karen

            Goℴgle is giving every one $97 per/hr to complete few services from a laptop .. Work Some just few time & stay more time together with your own loved ones . Any one can also apply this special offer!!last Saturday I got a gorgeous McLaren F1 just after making $10,000 this past six weeks .no doubt it is the coolest job however you could not forgive yourself if you don’t read this.!ae46j:⇄⇄⇄ http://GoogleSuperMakeMoneyEasyJobs/earncash/97$/per-hr ♥♥♥h♥m♥m♥♥♥y♥♥♥h♥♥d♥♥e♥j♥♥e♥♥♥b♥♥♥h♥♥n♥♥n♥♥q♥♥y♥♥♥t♥♥♥c♥m♥i♥f♥♥s♥♥♥i♥♥k♥♥♥a♥♥y:!vx583t:udmnhz

        • Andrew P Clifton

          As usual Shakespeare had it first with Hamlet: “To pee or not to pee, that is the question.”

    • Sherlock Holmes and the Valley of Pee is the most underrated of the novels.

  • Ling Ling

    OTOH, the DNC could learn from this and hire someone who knows how architect and deploy a robust enterprise system that might better support them. Instead of giving the job to interns and pretending to be shocked when the usual nonsense happens.

    • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

      But millennials were supposed to be GOOD at this!

      • Ling Ling

        #NotAllMillennials

  • Holly

    Remember that cigar? That whole story seems rather tame in comparison to all the Giant Orange Cheetos sexxy time scandals happening these days. All the pee porn and prostitution? Holy fuck! How is this NOT as impeachable as the Clinton cigar was to this same raving lunatic fringe? Someone please explain it to me.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      We need to clean house by retroactively impeaching Jack Kennedy!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Not. A. Democrat.

    • Rags

      well, WC was impeached for lying about stuff, not for doing stuff. 4-5 richly deserves the same treatment

  • The Wanderer

    OT: The school shooting might boost Remington’s sales, as they were going into bankruptcy.

    Winning!

    ( / sarcasm)

    • HooverVilles

      Sigh!

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg
    • The Wanderer

      I applaud the kid’s sang-froid.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        I worry he finds likes more important than living another day.

        • The Wanderer

          Well, yes. A certain fatalism is apparent.

    • Jack Has a Memo!!!!

      13 school shootings in 2018.

      I have no snark for this. I am snarkless.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Call me a cynical fucking bastard, but seeing someone tweeting “thoughts and prayers” in the middle of a school shooting and not even thinking about mentioning gun control…
      Fuck it.
      I got nothing.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Can the Buzzfeed people coordinate with Mueller’s people? Or will that be unnecessary, because they’re just gonna stone cold publish all the shit they find?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    My sympathies for Russian Oligarchs who don’t grok the Streisand Effect are very limited.

  • another outbreak of journalism in not exactly the most expected of all places.

  • James Baskin

    Pee tape? Rumor has it there’s a poop tape too.

    • MynameisBlarney

      He hasn’t denied it, sooo….

      • chazmanr

        It would be irresponsible not to wildly speculate…

      • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

        He talked about “doo process” the other day, so using Hannity-brand-logic, that’s an admission.

    • Jack Has a Memo!!!!

      Two Girls, One tRump?

    • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

      This goes a long way to explain Steve Bannon.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Lovin’ it.

    • chazmanr

      Last week’s news. I am waiting for the Kirk Cameron revelations. What was his real relationship with Boner?

    • cmd resistor

      Due Process!!!!11!!!

    • Lord Jim

      Guess it’s his turn in the barrel.

    • AuntyMaude

      Oh, Bob Loblaw, how far you and George Bluth have fallen. ‘Tis pitty you’re all pigs.

  • rosenbomb

    “…a website about 15 Fainting Goats Who Literally Can’t Even Right Now”

    I am Buzzfeed’s target audience, and this description is hilarious. Thanks, Evan

    • Shibusa
      • AuntyMaude

        What’s happening? This looks like goat abuse.

        • Rooster Cogburn105

          All goats were over age of consent and signed the ICF.

          Custodian of Record
          Elmer Pohick
          Hicksville, NY 02135

        • Shibusa

          Weird, right? They’re myotonic goats, aka: the fainting goats. They pop back up after a few seconds.

          • AuntyMaude

            Weird. It kind of looked like someone was using a fire hose on them.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Cillizza speaks to you: Michael Cohen’s story on his Stormy Daniels’ payout doesn’t pass the smell test

    He went in and smelled Michael Cohen’s non-vegan butthole to confirm this.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b58432a0199c3c5c572af6de1804b83e7ab39e8d7495da91f5edc6290ec59068.jpg

  • Bill D. Burger

    Russian guard: Why ar’ you here?

    Girl: Waitin’ on Mr. Trump. My friend is on her way. I told her to hurry.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/454aeb0e4dc933da4a861eb75cb70c2085a36c29c44bfb73c22113ea31bddc8c.gif

    https://media0.giphy.com/media/mnLEauZ261T3i/giphy.gif

  • Angela Ruzzo

    HOLY SHIT! NOT AGAIN!
    Police in Broward County, Florida responded to a shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida.
    https://thinkprogress.org/what-we-know-about-the-school-shooting-in-broward-county-florida-a16774c868d3/

    • The Wanderer

      CNN reported “20 to 50” injured, but no word on fatalities. Also per CNN, Broward County Sheriff sez they caught the shooter.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        ThinkProgress says “Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL) reports there are “many deaths” as a result of the shooting in Parkland.”

        • The Wanderer

          (sighs, and mutters in Latin)

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Would that be “Animas hominum malitiam eorum”?

          • The Wanderer

            No, the one that starts “Requiem aeternam.”

        • cmd resistor

          I think the school superintendent said multiple fatalities.

      • janecita

        Kids are saying that they saw “dead people under tarps.” God fucking damn it, we are not at war, there is not fucking reason for kids to have to go through this!

        • Angela Ruzzo

          I keep thinking back to my school days in the 60’s and early 70’s. I always felt absolutely safe at school … even during the fallout and tornado drills. I rode my bicycle all over the town and always felt safe. I walked home from school and always felt safe. All children deserve to grow up like I did.

      • YaJagoff

        Last I saw was 17 dead.

  • Very Stable Bozi
  • chazmanr

    Gubarev’s lawyer Evan Fray-Witzer says Buzzfeed can hire “Nancy Drew, Encyclopedia Brown, or Sherlock Holmes”

    Nobody gives Tom Swift his due.

    • The Wanderer

      Considering that his Electric Rifle was the idea behind the TASER.

    • Roadstergal

      Laszlo Kreizler libelz!!

      • Rags

        The Shadow Knows!

        • The Wanderer

          Muahahahahaha.

    • Jeri Bergstrom

      What about the Bobsey Twins? No one beat them.

    • Charles Insandiego

      I was an Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators kid, myself.

    • TundraGrifter

      Or Tom Sawyer.

    • svejk

      Hardy Boys! Hardon Boys?

    • AuntyMaude

      Emma Peel or bust!

  • Crystalclear12

    This is ironic.
    For years Trump used litigation to silence people and the one time it REALLY counted it just pissed them off and made them shout louder and dig deeper.
    Go, Buzzfeed, go!

  • Bill D. Burger

    This took place when he was on the Bear Grylls’ dies plan. So…nothing to it. It was his own urine! So…fake nooooz’!
    Well, he had a bladder infection. Had to go out and get some fresh.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DT4ENaiU8AEtPc_.jpg

    • Stable Uniomist Raan

      Campaign’s coming up. Better drink these hookers’ piss.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    “High School Shooting Expert”-“No sign it was muslim inspired so it wasn’t a terrorist incident.” Hard hitting analysis there!

    • HooverVilles

      IKR, those students and their families didn’t look terrified.
      If the shooter had been, well you know, that same video of calm collected people would have been of terrified people.

      MOAR GOTP selective reality.
      Sigh!

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    OMG: Breitbart comments. It is full of trolls.

    Notice how these [school shootings] started happening frequently once the liberals started their gun confiscation campaign?
    ____________

    Thoughts and prayers for the injured and lost… they do more to help than gun control…
    _________________
    ANd the wingnuts:

    LIBTARDS”Я”MENTAL • a minute ago
    It’s a good thing they caught the perp, this could have been a hard one for the FBI to crack.

    http://www.breitbart.com/big-government/2018/02/14/numerous-injured-florida-school-attack-shooter-large/

    • MynameisBlarney

      Fucking dumbasses.

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        yep.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      It’s the far right that started the bullshit conspiracy theory about gun confiscation. They can’t even own their own bullshit.

      • HooverVilles

        Of course not. Their “facts” pivot 180 deg in an instant. Trumpers only want to hear what the GOTP is saying in the moment. The past statements are irrelevant no matter how recently stated.
        It’s the result of the credulous who have their belief/reason toggle switch in their brain set permanently set to stupidstition.

    • The Wanderer

      Um, what “gun confiscation campaign,” pray tell?

      • Stable Uniomist Raan

        The one that all of right-wing media keeps yapping about, of course.

        • The Wanderer

          The one that exists only in their tiny, febrile minds, then?

      • Angela Ruzzo

        The alt-right said Obama was going to refuse to leave office after his second term, declare himself Dictator and confiscate all our guns, and then start a race war and kill all the white men and rape all the white women. Funny how that didn’t happen.

      • Ray in VT

        The one that Obama obviously did.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      If you can’t go 3 minutes after a school shooting without showing disrespect for DEAD CHILDREN then as far as I am concerned, you do not qualify for the legal status of “human being.”

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      I’m waiting for him to be upside down at a gas station.

      • The Wanderer

        Hanging by his ankles, his mistress at his side?

        • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

          I like where this is going.

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      I’m pretty sure most Trumpanzees would do it too. They already have demonstrated their lack of morals.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    Here’s what I say: Turn the pee tape into one of those web-based slide shows where you have to scroll down to hit the “NEXT” button and a bunch of ads pop up, and some ads are sneaky and look just like a regular “NEXT” button, but even if you find the correct “NEXT” button the page will jump down as another ad loads and you accidentally click a noisy ad that takes you god knows where. That’s what I say.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • YaJagoff

      Beat me, whip me, show me you love me!

  • MynameisBlarney
    • MynameisBlarney

      Keep in mind that the fistfuls of NRA money was actually rubles the NRA was laundering for putin.

      • AuntyMaude

        Jesus Christ I hope that is part of Mueller’s investigation, too.

  • PlutoAnimus

    A wide-angle camera catching low-resolution images is not going to cut it. “That’s not Trump,” people will say.

    I don’t know why people hang so much hope on such a trivial and infantile detail as this video.

    We are dealing with treason here, people. Fucking treason.

    Is it asking too much that we focus on the important stuff, and not the sleazy and insignificant stuff?

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      You’re right, but Dumpty is fun to humiliate.

    • Gorillionaire

      Agreed, but the pee tape is not insignificant. For Drumpf himself, it is probably a big motivator to suck up to Vlad as much as possible. And for many “voters” who don’t have the time or inclination to navigate the finer intricacies of the collusion drama, it is enough to motivate them to show up in November.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Good job by Nicole Wallace allowing a parent to float out some hearsay about the name of the gunman. You go!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Has someone made this bad joke already? Well, I don’t care:

    Release the pee…tape!

  • janecita

    Do you know what is heartbreaking? When even reporters are crying while giving this shooting story.

    • Maybe

      Reporters crying is an improvement. Usually their too busy shoving mikes and cameras into the faces of the victims. They act as if these horrible stories are entertainment.

    • Rooster Cogburn105

      Fuck all the gunhumpers to eternity and back. This from someone who actually worked armory duty for 10 years. Do what Australia did:

      1. For 12 months, turn in your assault rifle (any weapon made to fire more than a single shot and quick magazine changes- get $1000

      2. Next 6 months, turn in buy no $, no penalty

      3. If still in possession, 1 year Fed Time, we can kick the drug offenders out

      • Keith Taylor

        This is an Australian chiming in, and yeah. Not the slightest intention of getting self-righteous with the U.S.A., a country I love, and we absolutely have our complete share of complete dicks here, but what we did actually did WORK, and that’s the important thing. We had the Queen Street Massacre, and the Hoddle Street Massacre, and then we had the horror of the Port Arthur Massacre. And then Prime Minister John Howard initiated the above measures. No massacres of that order since. Worst thing since has been the firearms murder of three people on a lonely outback farm by a relative.
        John Howard still did not become my favourite Australian PM by any means. He was before and still remained one of those complete dicks. (All right, maybe not quite complete, but fuck his treatment of asylum seekers and refugees to eternity and back along with the gunhumpers. It was disgusting to the max. Also he was George Walker Bush’s little Aussie lapdog over the Iraq War and Guantanamo, even when two of his own citizens were sent there. Not an objection heard from him.)
        Water way under the bridge now, all of the above. But how many school massacres are going to happen before some President, any President, I don’t care if he’s Benedict Arnold reincarnated, tells the NRA to go take a long walk on a short plank above a pool of piranhas?

        • H0mer0

          I appreciate your good thoughts and concerns about Merka, despite not “having a dog in this fight.” It means a lot more than the empty “Thoughts and prayers” of politicians who did nothing, even after thoughts and prayers didn’t work in an f-ing church.
          It makes your island “part of the main.”

  • John Iwaniszek

    “.. the greatest international scandal in modern history, even if the American participants in the conspiracy are complete fucking dimwits.”

    This has to be inscribed on the next interstellar probe. As a warning.

    • Rooster Cogburn105

      Please give us a few millenia to sort out some Prefrontal Cortex vs. Amygdala issues!

      If not, the radiation should subside enough for a visit around 2645 or so.

  • SCK

    Off to Minsk!

    • Gorillionaire

      (singing)…”Rochelle, Rochelle!…”

    • svejk

      This I know from nothing. But I think of great
      Lobachevsky and get idea – ahah!

      I have a friend in Minsk
      Who has a friend in Pinsk
      Whose friend in Omsk
      Has friend in Tomsk
      With friend in Akmolinsk
      His friend in Alexandrovsk
      Has friend in Petropavlovsk
      Whose friend somehow
      Is solving now
      The problem in Dnepropetrovsk

      And when his work is done –
      Ha ha! – begins the fun
      From Dnepropetrovsk
      To Petropavlovsk
      By way of Iliysk
      And Novorossiysk
      To Alexandrovsk to Akmolinsk
      To Tomsk to Omsk
      To Pinsk to Minsk
      To me the news will run,
      Yes, to me the news will run!

      Tom Lehrer – Lobachevsky Lyrics

      • H0mer0

        “…my name in Dnepropetrovsk is cursed
        when he find out I publish first.”

      • Zippy49

        Thanks for that, I love Tom Lehrer!

  • Jgb979

    Sadly, given the surreal Dadaist nightmare that is the past 14 months of the trump administration, I’m not sure it would even move the needle today.

    I think it’s just “hookers peeing on an empty mattress because the hateful cunt hates Obama just that much”, and not golden shower porn. Even if it was Stormy Daniels and Donald Directly underneath, evangelicals are already like “cheat on your pregnant wife with a porn star? Sure! Fine! Whatever! Come to liberty university”. It’s clear Trump isn’t being blackmailed. He’s embracing being a traitor with both arms.

    Really the only thing that mike make a difference is if it was Vlad Putin giving the golden shower.

    • Bren

      I think it’s much worse than that, or else Trump wouldn’t have been so worried about it that he had to call up Jim Comey just to say that he did not do anything with Russian hookers. No, I’m pretty confident that the tape is of Trump with underage prostitutes. While it may not actually make even a dent in his base (Roy Moore, anyone?), Trump seems to think that it will and for Trump to be so worried about something, I assume it has to be really, really, really bad.

      • Rooster Cogburn105

        Naah, they still good with Mango Mussolini. Now, if one of them underage prostitutes was blah or a dude, that’d be the dealbreaker

        • H0mer0

          IKR? how would one know they were underage unless one of them was Jon-Benet Ramsey?

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      He will just get another mulligan from the fundevangelicals

      • mailman27

        It’s been mulligans all the way down.

    • Keith Taylor

      Don’t completely agree. I certainly believe Donald Trump would have no objection to betraying his country for money or power or even just because his infantile ego was stung. But I also believe he’s too impulsive and has too short an attention span and too little intelligence to be consistent even in betraying his country. That is, unless someone had his minuscule balls in the mangle so decisively that even he couldn’t forget it for a moment.

  • Maybe

    If Buzzfeed gets the tape they should make it pay-per-view.

    Or possibly pee-for-view.

    • Then we should check the payers and I bet over half will be linked to the WH.

      • Maybe

        And most of the rest will be ‘devote’ Evangelicals.

    • AuntyMaude

      Trump will demand royalties and if they refuse, hellooooo litigation.

  • SadDemInTex

    I’m a total Democrat but fuck the DNC. Listen you fuckups at the DNC just trash your servers and start over. AND I don’t want any of your fucking e-mails anyway. GROW THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCK UP IDIOTS.

    • But fuck?

      • YaJagoff

        Butt fuck??

        • H0mer0

          Oh! I was wondering about fuckt.
          nevuh mind…

      • SadDemInTex

        Should I add a t?

        • Hopefully, it will be come another Wonkette thing like also, too, Melon Trump, and a idiot, butt fuck, who knows if it will take off.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Exactly! The DNC has already BEEN hacked. The bad guys already know the vulnerabilities. Give up the information and start over.

    • Rooster Cogburn105

      Umm, if they did that, they wouldn’t be the DNC anymore, probably have to come up with a new name or something

      • SadDemInTex

        Sounds like a good idea

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      and use FreeBSD next time.

  • Apple Scruff

    “15 Fainting Goats Who Literally Can’t Even Right Now”

    Why do you have to taunt us with fake news headlines? I WANT 15 FAINTING GOATS!

  • it’s time for the DNC to stop acting like a common Hillary Clinton who likes to hide things for no reason in particular

    I think your spellcheck may have sensed criticism and plugged in Hillary’s name for no particular reason.

  • Ya ding dang dumb libels! I gots ya right here and thar in all y’all’s lying lies! Ain’t no tape of no pee hooker peein’ on no Ol’ Pussy Grabber cuz a GOOD reporter knowed he is a germie o’ phobe and he won’t let know pee hooker pee on him no way no how. He done said he likes to WATCH the pee hookers piss on the bed what the Obama’s made all of the sexes in when they stayed there. That thar is jus the facts and ain’t no ding dang dumb libels’ lies what exposes them as ding dang dumb liars.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      Ya’ might wanna try some of that Dad Gum Costal Elitist Book Larnin’ : Unless you have an infection, urine is sterile. Being afear’d of them Germains, ain’t got nuthin’ t’do with that thar factual.

      • I got’s one word for you, ya varmint: Cytomeglo Virus (CMV). Lives in urine. About 50% of the adult population is infected, but it won’t assert itself unless your immune system is compromised then it is nasty.

        But, you’re right. Not much lives in urine, but most people think it is filthy and don’t want to come into contact with it. I mean, I don’t like using public urinals with splatters, misses, and puddles… do you?

  • kLo

    “…When you get the pee tape, you should turn it into a listicle with .GIFs of chihuahuas making SURPRISE FACE at various screenshots of Donald Trump getting peed on by Russia’s finest pee hookers.”

    12/10 would click.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      Ewww…, the last thing I would want to see is one of Two Scoops’ listicles.

      • kLo

        Morbid curiosity

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    visit courtlistener.com – click on recap – select D.C. as jursidiction, put buzzfeed in the search box, find their various filings and read to your heart’s content!

  • Schmoopie Poopie

    Please, let’s leave the pee pee tape alone. My eyes will never recover. How about trying to prove the Rosneft part of the dossier, the part where Team Trump took 19 percent of the Russian oil company in exchange for lifting sanctions? Because unlike the pee pee tape, that’s illegal. And also, will save us from blindness.

    • phoenix00

      If it means Donnie Dotard quits the presnitdency from pure embarrassment, pour acid into my eyeballs.

    • Rickyphoo

      No, I want it released and played over and over in every form of media because I what to see that sack of shit in the WH humiliated along with all his supporters, (full disclosure, some of my own family) and enablers in the fucking GOP..

      I’m just vindictive that way.

  • AuntyMaude

    (It’s been in at Blockbuster Video in Minsk the whole time!) Hahahahaha
    Chihuahuas?! Hahahahahahaha

    Fainting goats who can’t even. hahahahahaha

    Jesus Christ, Evan, you made me laugh so hard. Thank you! What a great story.

  • Mavenmaven

    If the tape is released, his followers will all pee their beds and claim it is the Merkan thing to do.

    • Keith Taylor

      Probably.

    • Mr. White

      I can already see the reaction. “It’s CGI created by the DEEP STATE!!!” Those derps will just double down on the crazy, just like every other time they’re presented with damning evidence.

  • Keith Taylor

    Considering Donald Trump’s general attitude to women (single most reprehensible since that of Saint Jerome, patron of misogynists, or maybe that of Bob Guccione too and Charles Manson, but who’s counting? The woods are full of ’em) I would think it’s more likely he paid those unfortunates to let him urinate on them. Even if something of the sort is proved, half his supporters won’t believe it and the other half won’t care. But hasten the day, Lord, when it can be proved in court that Trump is subject to Russian blackmail and the blinded opinion of his supporters won’t matter and the last venal Republican will jump from the sinking ship.
    Pleeeeaaase …

  • phoenix00

    I’ve always thought one of the only ways to get Dump out of the Presidency is the pee tape – he quits out of embarrassment.

    It’s not like Congress will 25th Amendment him tomorrow, and Bobby M is taking his sweet-ass time, right?

    • Steve-o

      Bobby needs to bide his time, if there is no blue wave it will all be for naught. If there is a blue wave, the evidence must be concrete.

      There is no embarrassing that man.

      • phoenix00

        Yes there is. So much of his actions is driven by pure ego – all his anti-Obama policies (“I’m better than the black man and I know better than the black man hence I’m the better President than the black man”) to KJU (he’s not referring to his actual nuclear launch “button” in that tweet) to his golf vacations to his health stats.

        I’m counting on that pee tape being so compromising and so humiliating it turns him into a “beta cuck” – what his white supremecist frat-bro base fears so much – on top of his “Presidential duties” and attacks from the “fake news media” he just ups and quits.

  • susan_g

    British intelligence (M16) did their own investigation and found the mattress, took
    photos and a sample of the urine. “Obama Sucks” was written on the mattress
    with pee, which testing revealed was Trump’s but the handwriting was Ivanka’s.

  • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

    ..pretty sure I need some of those chihuahua gifs.

  • Zyxomma

    Chihuahua GIFs? Okay, then.

  • Chuck

    “company’s servers were allegedly used in the hacks of the DNC, allegedly” If you use 2 allegedly’s in a sentence does that work like a double negative meaning it is absofuckinglutely true.

  • Mintie

    Wasn’t there five minutes where Buzzfeed was considered a truly (surprising) reputable news source?

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