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HE SEEMS NICE.

I AIN’T SAYIN’ HE A GOLD DIGGER. But he ain’t messing with no divorce settlement of less than $100,000 for every month they were married!

Okay, $93,750. But that is Congressman Mike Turner’s final offer!

Ohio Rep. Mike Turner (R-Family Values) is getting divorced for the second time in five years, and this time he’s going out in style. No dignified division of property in some boring lawyer’s office for Turner and his estranged wife Majida Mourad. When you get divorced from an energy lobbyist, no expense should be spared! Also, no humiliation! Which is why Turner gave his buddy Darrell Issa (R-Never Convicted) a hand-delivered invitation to testify in the divorce proceedings.

Politico reports,

Turner (R-Ohio) approached Issa (R-Calif.) in the Capitol last week and handed him a letter seeking a deposition as part of his divorce proceedings, according to multiple sources with knowledge of the interaction.

It’s unclear why Turner would seek Issa’s testimony. Mourad’s attorney, Sanford Ain, said in a statement Monday that Turner “may have” told “third parties” that she was unfaithful, “thinking it would advantage him in the divorce.” But any claim of infidelity by Mourad “has no basis in fact,” Ain said.

HE SEEMS NICE. Whether Issa will testify from his own, ummmm … personal knowledge of Ms. Mourad’s fidelity or just repeat smack that Turner talked about his own wife is not clear. Issa, who was a groomsman in their wedding, has been friends with Mourad for decades and denies any improper relationship.

Turner is suing Mourad for “fraudulent contract,” one of the permitted causes for divorce in Ohio, and seeking a $1.5 million settlement. Which seems like a lot for a second marriage that lasted less than 18 months. Particularly when the marital home is a $210,000 condo in Dayton purchased by Mourad before her brief fling with holy matrimony.

But Ohio courts divide money earned during marriage evenly between the partners. We are not a divorce lawyer, but if Mourad took home roughly $2.1 million per year, then Turner’s share would be approximately $1.5 million from the 17 months of their marriage. Per Politico,

In the past nine months, Turner has been tussling with Mourad over the disclosure of her assets. Mourad has sought to keep secret the details of a stock agreement with Tellurian Inc, a Houston-based natural gas company for which she serves as a lobbyist. Mourad is significantly wealthier than Turner: She is worth between $2.8 million and $9.8 million, while Turner is worth between $156,000 and $744,000, according to financial disclosure reports the couple filed with the House clerk’s office.

Is she playing hardball on the value of her stock options? Is he trying to gain leverage by dragging her name through the mud? Why does he want to put Darrell Issa on the stand? And have these idiots never heard of a pre-nup?

ALSO, WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE TO PREACH TO THE REST OF US ABOUT FAMILY VALUES?

Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Follow your FDF on Twitter.

Please donate to Wonkette! We promise to love and cherish you forever!

[Politico / Dayton Daily News]

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  • MynameisBlarney

    It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    Wildly.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      The irresponsibility or the speculation?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Yup!

    • maxneanderthal

      “While you may well think that, I couldn’t possibly comment”
      -The original “House of Cards”

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    Anything Issa says will only fan the flames.

  • proudgrampa

    WHOA!

    Paragons of virtue, these people.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    If you have to turn to Darrell Issa (R-Antichrist) for a character reference I can only assume that Voldemort was conflicted out.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Where did those income ranges come from? $2.8 to $9.8 million? Like, I get that you might guesstimate your income in a round number range – something ending in a zero or a five – but an eight? And a seven million dollar spread? I wish my rough sense of what I make could be off by seven million dollars.

    • MynameisBlarney

      The struggle those poor rich people must endure, to lose track of ones income.

      The horror…the horror.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Tell me about it!” – Jared Kushner

    • arglebargle

      IKR. Like, i’m a millionaire since my net wort is between $0 and $7,000,000.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Or a guy like Trump, who has around a couple million in hard assets, a couple hundred mil in highly leveraged (which means the bank – Russia – owns them) properties and $4 billion give or take in “brand.” Let’s keep the financial liabilities out of the discussion, shall we?

    • YouInDangerGirl!

      Depends on how they “feel” in the moment they’re asked.

  • Indiepalin

    And maybe while Issa is on the stand, he will get to the bottom of this Benghazi affair.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Ah today was a good day to be Dutch. Lying foreign minister resigns for lying you would expect in a working democracy.
    http://www.dutchnews.nl/news/archives/2018/02/dutch-foreign-minister-resigns-over-putin-greater-russia-lie/
    Bolt giving us Magnum champagne bottles
    https://twitter.com/usainbolt/status/963449486453428226
    and from today everyone is a donor unless they object instead of the other way around.
    https://nltimes.nl/2018/02/13/dutch-residents-organ-donors-default-controversial-law-passes-senate

    How is life poolside?

    • MynameisBlarney

      When Americans start fleeing the US en masse, save room for me on your couch.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Couch surfers FTW!

    • YouInDangerGirl!

      Will you marry me? Don’t worry, I won’t expect fidelity and we can divorce in two years flat, or however they do it in Holland.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Need pics first. :P

  • Gorillionaire

    These people are gross and disgusting.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The hypocritical hits, they just keep on coming from the “Family Values” crowd!

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Equeeze me, but how does an F16 need to fire in “self defense” against a tank?

      • Ling Ling

        It’s a “stand your ground” state. Or “airspace”

      • MynameisBlarney

        It was defending US backed forces that were under fire from that tank.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          That’s not quite the same as “self-defense”. It’s defending US-backed forces, sure.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Agreed, but that ain’t as sexy a headline.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Why the repeated emphasis on the “Russian-made” tank? For that matter, how do they know it wasn’t a Polish or Czech-built T-72?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Good point.

      • Meccalopolis

        And they sold tons of them to the original assad regime

  • Bill D. Burger

    ot…but in the “Birds of a Feather” category, it appears The Fucking Moron’s BFF BiBi NetanYahoo’ is about to be indicted for corruption. The Israeli police have just made the recommendation.

    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-43051249

  • WIDTAP

    OT: But another example of Republican family values:

    Porter’s then-girlfriend reportedly reached out to the White House in November about Porter’s alleged abuse. She had broken up with Porter, the Daily Mail reports, after discovering that he was carrying on a relationship with White House communications director Hope Hicks.

    That’s right. Hope Hicks cucked Porter’s girlfriend.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/politics/wp/2018/02/13/the-white-house-defense-of-its-handling-of-rob-porter-just-fell-apart/?utm_term=.5e0a7790b77c

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Ucch. Don’t use that word! ‘Cuckold’ is amusing in Chaucer, but alt-right assholes have ruined the comic value of cuckoldry for all time.

  • Fartknocker

    Turner sure is a greedy fuck. His future ex-spouse bought the condo they are living in.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    You look like this and you might have made nearly $10 million last year? I think you can do better than Darrell Issa. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1c8f49de2a697183dcfc1b1171655205a9826cdca02f75edfe80b92c129ff34b.jpg

    • Ling Ling

      Hey, baby… once you go engineer… you never go back. Things get “fixed” if you know what I mean…

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        I do, I married one! I call him Mr Magic Fingers.

    • MynameisBlarney

      No shit!
      Like me for instance.

    • PubOption

      Remember, she can change her black dress, but not her lobbyist’s black soul.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Not even club soda can wash that out!

      • Gayer Than Thou

        True, but even among the soulless undead there must be better options than Issa.

    • gnomemansanisland

      Cute slight overbite. Love that

    • James Baskin

      No Shit.

    • SweetDeeKat

      “Salad and diet coke – those are my lifelines,” she said in 2015. I have an unreasonable dislike of her now.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Turner is skating on thin ice here. Everybody knows Issa isn’t worth a fuck.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • OddMan

    OT but really,
    Hannity had this to say about Mr. Obama’s portrait.
    [no link, go look if you have to go to hannity dot com]
    ‘The widening scandal surrounding former President Barack Obama’s official portrait continued to swirl on Tuesday, with shocking allegations the artist included ‘secret sperm cells’ within the painting and once joked about “Killing Whitey” during an interview.

    I found this secret photo that shows photographic proof of sperm on Mr. Hannity’s portrait.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5d25a4547ca11114e1a53f343e67bc62554ac5136b2bebbc9c5433d1c06182fa.png

    • MynameisBlarney
    • Ellie

      Just read about that. I’m gobsmacked, and Himself doesn’t do that to me very often. I’m sure Alex Jones will chime in quickly to explain it all.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Well, to cash in on the insanity from the Hannity spew anyway

    • OrdinaryJoe

      The High Point of their dipshit bullshit was the blue dress. They been trying to reach that same level for decades. Their frustration is they will never get there because the blue dress was Bill Clinton and they are impotent political midgets before Bill Clinton’s dickliness.

    • Hobbes’ like, smart Evil Twin

      Why didn’t I just believe you? OMFD.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I guess it’s a good thing Eddie Murphy is not a painter.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtuYWlh6fJ4

    • cmd resistor

      I couldn’t bring myself to go to Hannity’s page so I just googled Hannity Obama Portrait and enough weird crap came up that I could tell I didn’t want to actually read any of it. Well he has outdone himself,indeed.

    • weighmaster
    • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

      Holy fucking unhinged loony nutbags! What the everliving shit?

      “Next up, we discuss the effect of the “secret sperm” in Obama’s portrait! You’ll be shocked to hear what this Conservative has to say!”
      Guest: “I used ter be a cock… er, rock-ribbed conserverterve but then I lerked at Obammers paintin, and it turnt me gay! It made me do all the gayins! I wanna serck yer sperms right now, even, Sean!”

  • Blackest Noobs
    • P’jama Pahnts

      Hah “oops!”

  • Me not sure

    OT: I didn’t think this needed to wait for the open thread…so…BREAKING NEWS!
    The AP is reporting that the Israeli police have recommended that Netanyahu be indicted on corruption charges! Stay tuned!

  • JMP

    I’m pretty sure that, since New York finally got rid of fault based divorce in the 2000s, there now are no states where showing adultery by a spouse will actually have any effect on the distribution of assets.

  • armed_bears

    Look, if the whole thing ends without either one of them having beaten the other to the point of visible bruises, it counts as a Trump success story.

    • Rick Hill

      “See? We have good people here who don’t beat their wives, too.”

  • chiefkurtz

    Is it possible Issa’s been nailing this man’s wife, or did prior to their marriage, and he is trying to get him to admit it, or perjure himself? T’would be foolish not to speculate.

    • C.W. St. John Nobbs

      They have a lot in common, Issa and the soon-to-be-former Mrs. Turner. Lebanese heritage, they both spend a lot of time in DC, she sells gas company interests, he is interested in gas companies to supply accelerants.

    • PubOption

      Issa possibility.

      • chiefkurtz

        Issa what you did there.

        • Toomush Stability

          Issa what it is…

    • wavicles

      “Mr Issa, when did you stop having sex with her?”

    • eggs ackly-wright

      Maybe he tried to set her on fire.

      • NastyBossetti
        • Opalescent Riddles

          If you hadn’t posted this, I would have.

          • NastyBossetti

            Wonkers have to have each other’s backs in these situations.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Fuck-buddy of old?

  • Rick Hill

    “ALSO, WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE TO PREACH TO THE REST OF US ABOUT FAMILY VALUES?”

    Why, conservatives, which makes them better than us about everthin.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I kind of like it when the orcs turn on each other, actually.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Paul McGuire: President Hillary Clinton ‘Would Have Persecuted, Arrested, Fined, Imprisoned And Perhaps Killed America’s Pastors’
    http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/paul-mcguire-president-hillary-clinton-would-have-persecuted-arrested-fined-imprisoned-and-perhaps-killed-americas-pastors/
    Liz Crokin: The ‘Me Too’ Movement Was Designed To Distract From Hollywood’s Rampant Cannibalistic Satanic Pedophilia
    http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/liz-crokin-the-me-too-movement-was-designed-to-distract-from-hollywoods-rampant-cannibalistic-satanic-pedophilia/

    Wow, Hillary leads a coven of cannibalistic satanic pedophile minister-murderers and
    they all drink the blood of Christian babies. These people seem to be oddly obsessed with Satan and human sacrifice. They spend more time talking and thinking about how Satan persecutes them then they do talking and thinking about god, but they spend less time on it than they do counting their money.

    • ManchuCandidate

      I kinda wish Hilsbot did do that America’s Fraudsters.

    • Ling Ling

      There is nothing about this I don’t like.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      It’s a gathering of rampaging cannibalistic Satanic pedophiliac Wiccan blood-drinking, baby-sacrificing, naked communist demonic homosexuals, Lesbians and perverts!

      Otherwise known as a really good party.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        And they serve those cakes we like.

      • James Baskin

        naked communist demonic Lesbians.
        I’ll take two please.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Two to go please, no, no fries with that. OTOH sounds like last weekend.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        You get an orgy! And YOU get an orgy!

    • I admire Liz Crokin’s subtlety.

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      These people should write screen plays instead of playing stupid politics. I’d watch those movies.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Seems SyFy has quite a few on their staff already.

        • TheGrandWazoo2

          Blood Drive was the best worst thing I’ve ever seen.

      • Angela Ruzzo
      • Erala Contratista

        Don’t recommend that….

    • proudgrampa

      “coven of cannibalistic satanic pedophile minister-murderers”

      is the name of my new christian metal alternative rock grunge band.

      • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

        Tribute to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

    • Miles Monroe

      Poor Weekly World News, they never stood a f-ing chance.

      Even The Onion can barely keep up …

      Study Finds Cats Only Meow When They Want To Alert Owner Of Neighbor’s Murder They Witnessed Through Window

    • OneYieldRegular

      Christ, the nutty ideas these people have about Hollywood. I lived there for years, and about the most exciting thing that ever happened there was getting to see Morgan Fairchild at Tower Records and having brunch at Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I got to meet Dustin Hoffman there once, but he failed to invite me to any cannibalistic wrap parties. (P.S. He seemed nice.)

  • Blackest Noobs

    the Little Republican Who Cried Family Values….yeah that shit was getting old when they were 1st using it, now, seriously, what the fuck, is it a litmus test for stupidity, you believe them, then You Sir are a DUMBFUCK?!?

  • Bill D. Burger

    rotfl: Episode #1: ‘The General Strikes Back’
    ot..and forgive, but this is priceless. Widely known that Kelly loathed Scaramucci from the second he met him and was happy to engineer The Mooch’s exit from the White House.
    Now: Episode #2: ‘The Revenge of the Mooch’

    https://twitter.com/Scaramucci/status/963477557202038795

    (I’m sure Mooch blew a 2-finger kiss to the screen after writing that post and made a 1-finger salute….and mumbled ‘fuck you, K-Man.’)

    • gnomemansanisland

      Mooch for chief of staff!!!

      • Bill D. Burger

        I LOLed’! Gawwwd that would be great.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        you know that’s what he’s angling for…

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Oh, absolutely! You have got the Mooch’s number.

    • proudgrampa

      Man. When you’ve lost the Mooch, there’s nowhere to go…

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Does anybody know the over/under on how many lies Honey HuckaBooBoo will have to make up at today’s press briefing to cover for what Wray said at the spy meet today?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      It’s been postponed 30 minutes, so she must be cooking up a new batch.

      • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

        Oh, so that’s what that smell was. I though someone set some roadkill on fire.

        • cmd resistor

          It’s some of that unidentified government meat from the food boxes.

          • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

            Like Spotts said then – roadkill on fire.

    • Toomush Stability

      All of them, Katie…

  • butwhatabout Bill and Monica, huh?

    • Cat Cafe

      And how that is actually Killary’s fault?!!!1111!!!

      • Cillizza feverishly typing with a tiny little rage boner…

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          EWWW!

        • Erala Contratista

          Actually with his boner?
          Creative.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Republican boys just seem to find out early
    How to open doors with just a smile
    A rich lady
    And he won’t have to worry

    She’ll dress up all in lace and go in style
    Late at night an Ohio condo gets lonely
    I guess every form of refuge has its price
    And it breaks his heart to think his love is only
    Given to a woman with a soul as cold as ice

    So she tells him she must go out for the evening
    To comfort an old friend who’s feelin’ down
    But he knows where she’s goin’ as she’s leavin’
    She is headed for the Issa’ side of town

    You can’t hide your lyin’ eyes
    And your smile is a thin disguise
    I thought by now you’d realize
    There ain’t no way to hide your lyin eyes

    • msanthropesmr

      Man, I hate the fucking Eagles.

      • proudgrampa

        I hate the Patriots more!

      • MynameisBlarney

        Me too!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I banish you to the realm of winds and ghosts!

        • msanthropesmr

          The correct response is “Get the fuck outta my can”

          • weejee

            Oscar, that you?

      • Catstro, Very Stable Girther

        At least it’s an ethos

      • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

        Me too, but that’s a pretty good rewording.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        The Ronstadt covers were pretty sweet.

  • kaydenpat

    Sleazy people. Yet they call themselves the Party of Family Values. Sigh.

  • But I’m sure everyone involved has asked Jeebus for forgiveness, so you can’t judge, liberals. Also too, it’s what the bible says that’s important, not how well sinful man lives it out. So phooey on you.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Ruh Roh, Bibi might be in real trouble- police recommend filing charges

    • weejee

      Will he stand trial in the Gaza Strip?

    • Ninja0980

      Lock him up!

  • gnomemansanisland

    Someone should tell these guys that House of Cards isn’t an instruction manual.

  • Cogswell that ends well

    Lest we forget, grand theft auto and fraud…

    • weejee

      Burning questions for sure.

  • msanthropesmr

    Times Msanthropesmr has been unfaithful: zero
    Time Msanthropesmr has spent as a republican: zero

    There’s gotta be a correlation.

    • gnomemansanisland

      I don’t care what consenting adults do but these assholes want to portray themselves as family values paragons and push morality they don’t practice on others. That pisses me off.

      • msanthropesmr

        Cheating on your spouse is not cool, regardless of your political stripe. It’s about trust and respect. I care, unless they’ve got an understanding. In that case, whatever floats you whistle.

        • gnomemansanisland

          Agree that it’s not cool. Still don;t care what people do if they are consenting.

          • msanthropesmr

            Yep. Consenting adults do what they wanna.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Sadly that’s why I enjoy them getting exposed for the hypocrites they are. Just don’t set yourselves up as a family values paragon in the first place. And don’t expect anyone else to live by archaic rules.

    • C.W. St. John Nobbs

      {Checks the official GOP playbook:}
      OK, you have espoused fidelity and a monogamous marriage, therefore you can either have one indiscreet long term affair with a married colleague, up to 100 backroom blowjobs at the local T&A bar, or one same sex truckstop blowjob.

      Enjoy

      • msanthropesmr

        Ew.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Must we be relegated to lot lizard status. Can’t we at least work the backroom a the bar?

      • Cornelius Fussbudget

        Is that the playbook where they explain the whole footsie-under-the-bathroom-stall trick?

        • C.W. St. John Nobbs

          That trick is relegated to a foot note these days.

  • weejee
    • P’jama Pahnts

      It that image moving? Very slowly?

      • Snowbound Ron

        Oh, great, now I can see it too!

  • IMPOed

    Sounds like a gold digger to me!

  • Gosala

    I have three unrelated reactions

    1. Prenups are evil. Anyone who wants you to sign a prenup doesn’t love you. Don’t marry them.

    2. The more these horrible people tear themselves to shreds the better.

    3. ALSO, WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE TO PREACH TO THE REST OF US ABOUT FAMILY VALUES?

    • msanthropesmr

      10million is a lot of value.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I’ll respond in a minute, but first, if you would just sign here…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Love as a reason to marry is so…contemporary. Traditionally, marriage was about property, alliances, etc. Once divorce was on the table, prenups became trendy because hey, we’re talking about commingling property here, we need to divvy it up possibly.

    • LadyLaz

      1. Prenups are evil. Anyone who wants you to sign a prenup doesn’t love you. Don’t marry them.

      <<>>

      2. The more these horrible people tear themselves to shreds the better.

      <<>>

      3. ALSO, WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE TO PREACH TO THE REST OF US ABOUT FAMILY VALUES?

      <<>>

      • Gosala

        I know my position on prenups is controversial. I won’t tell anyone they’re wrong, but I felt the need to say it.

        • LadyLaz

          It’s fine. I think prenups really depend where you are in life. And, here is the great thing about this country, prenups are like abortions! If you don’t want one, don’t get one :)

        • littlegreen

          Say your husband of twenty-five years sells his blockbuster script and runs off with a 22-year old bimbo.

          Don’t you want him to reserve some of his assets for your five kids?

          When payday comes and bimbo leaves him, is it fair she gets half the spoils? The kids loved him all their lives. She only stuck around for his three highest-earning years.

          Pre-nups are often about protecting assets for the kids. Young couples don’t need one. Older folks with kids, assets, and complicated marital histories do.

    • Fivedollarfeminist

      Eh. A pre-nup is like a will. Essentially, we all have one, either of our own writing or dictated by law. There’s no expression of love in ceding your decision-making power to the local government.

    • Donkey Option

      I love my husband. But when we got married, I had a lot more assets and more importantly, I was the co-owner of a family business. We don’t intend to get divorced, but if we did and he had claim to the business, it would affect my parents as much or more than me. I think it’s a reasonable decision, especially when the two parties are in vastly different places in life. And really, when it comes down to it, you hope for the best but plan for the worst. But hey, if you were in love with someone who wanted a pre-nup, you’d be fine to not marry them (and frankly, I’d recommend that they not marry you.)

      • TundraGrifter

        “Love is grand.
        “Divorce is about twenty grand.”
        ~ Kevin Brown

      • Erala Contratista

        Well, yes. Family businesses have a life of their own. You did a good thing for all parties involved.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Hey, at least he’s not ghey or a single woman having sex- so he gets one of them Mulligans, amirite conservatives?

    • Jeffery Campbell

      What’s that rule about dead girls or live boys?

      • therblig

        they’re on every republican’s bucket list?

    • Nockular cavity

      I’m beginning to think a “Mulligan” is an Irish slave they hand out to Christians once they’re “made.” It’s a symbol of how, now, you can get away with anything.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • LadyLaz

      that is awesome.

    • TundraGrifter

      A friend of mine grew up in San Francisco. When he was 10 or 12 years he, with a couple of buddies during the day he’d stand in front of random bars and yell “Dad – PLEASE come home! Mom’s worried!”

      • Jeffery Campbell

        I’m hoping they were gay bars because, AWESOME.

      • MynameisBlarney

        LOL

        I like this person!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    You know, if hypocrisy were a capital crime, we wouldn’t have a GOP, or white evangelical “Christians”, for that matter.

  • FlemmishSpy

    Issa, I can Tellurian asshole.

    • Skeptical_thinker

      Earthy:-)

  • Ms. MLG on Maui

    This is what happens when you marry Shooter McGavin.

    • Jamalama

      “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!”

      • Ms. MLG on Maui

        Haha!!

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    He really doesn’t need to try so hard. USDA will send him a box of food when he needs some (or when they feel like it).

    • Jon Sussex

      Perhaps a case of canned clams.

      • phoenix00

        For the monster that he (probably) is, appropriate!

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Don’t you libtards see it!!! Yet more PROOF that the gaymosexuals have ruined the institution of marriage!!!11!11!1

  • TundraGrifter

    What the Buck? Aye?

  • TimResistit

    I can’t even keep track of what’s going on in this story anymore.

  • therblig

    let us be lovers
    we’ll marry our fortunes together
    i’ve got a pre-nup right here in my bag

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      The updated version of America.

  • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

    Rant time!

    “Family Values” has always been an easily deployable weapon to smash against their political opponents. They’ve never upheld these values, believed in them, or lived by them. They simply give some very cheap lip service to the idea, which is what politicians do.

    It’s always been a basic simple trick to ensure the rubes vote for them. Since religion is practically invisible, basically who’s gonna call you on it? Is some skygod gonna throw a lightning bolt on your head when you fake it? Nope. Is some rube-believer gonna call you on it, when every piece of their media tells them that their religion is under assault from all sides? Nope.

    We shouldn’t accept their claims that their “values” mean anything. That’s giving them a benefit of the doubt that they have literally never earned.

    We know how very shocking it is to accuse someone of hypocrisy, particularly where their religious beliefs are concerned. We believe that’s personal, and such attacks are really off-limits.

    We do this because we believe they hold beliefs like we do. That’s a belief. An assumption. But we’ve seen it. They clearly don’t believe these things with any conviction that we hold ourselves to. Their rubes, at best, don’t care, or at worst, only care about expressing beliefs simply to use them as weapons against others.

    Now, rubes will tell you, like any good both-siderist-trained rube, that “all politicians lie.”

    Given this, you should always ask them why they believe “their team’s” politicians are not lying about “their values.”

    • Mavenmaven

      “well I never!”

    • Skeptical_thinker

      “Hitler had values”, George Will.

    • Paperless Tiger

      That’s a good point; religion is invisible. Even a blatant hedonist like Trump can woo the Evangelicals just by saying he’s religious. They can’t tell the difference between praying and preying.

  • Bitter Scribe

    This guy wants to mooch off his wife. I wonder if he ever complains about welfare recipients.

    • Snowbound Ron

      You DID see the ‘R’ after his name, right?

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Like that MRA guy whose lawyer wife paid out alimony to get rid of him.

      • Trump’s Potemkin Village

        God, I would too! Can you imagine listening to that obnoxious whingeing (petulantly bemoaning the loss of his white male privilege) 24/7?

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Yes, It’s only money.

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    Seriously, the woman was a fool for not having a prenup.
    FTR, especially for older peoples on a second marriage, I think they’re nice. I look at it as lovingly crafting an exit strategy in the event things go south.

    • gratuitous

      But she’s got a lot more wealth than him. How is that even fair in these here United States and America?

      • Hesavebread!

        And she sounds a bit dusky.

      • NellCote71

        Yeah. How did that happpen?

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      Well, with her being richer, at least we won’t have to hear the MRAs whining about some undeserving slut making off with the money of her oh-so-perfect husband.

      • JustDon’tSayCAPSLOCK!!!

        We WILL read whining about how she should pay him alimony if she’s such a feminist.

  • MOG253

    Nice work if you can get it.

  • 3FingerPete

    Another traditional family ruined by gay marriage.

    • Red Richmond

      You’re saying Turner and Issa want to get gay married?

      • Axomamma

        It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

  • Snowbound Ron

    Clearly Mike Turner is just another gold digger, out to get whatever he can from his spouse and then toss her to the curb.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      How come this never works for me.

  • hudson

    right on cue. these days i’m watching something known as episodes on netflix, and have picked up a taste for who is boinking whom behind the scenes. this is so cool.

    i would prolly have a meltdown if the first time they did it, it was in a car. imagine a shot where the car goes up in flames as he unzips his fly. that would be awesome!

  • mardam422

    Is she playing hardball on the value of her stock options? Is he trying to gain leverage by dragging her name through the mud? Why does he want to put Darrell Issa on the stand? And have these idiots never heard of a pre-nup?
    All these questions and more will be answered on the next “Soap”!!

    • Dianna Deem

      I loved that show!

      • mardam422

        That was the greatest.

  • Trump’s Potemkin Village

    “ALSO, WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE TO PREACH TO THE REST OF US ABOUT FAMILY VALUES?”

    HA! I’ve been asking myself that very question for years…

    • John Robinson

      It’s all about the Benjamins, baby.

    • phoenix00

      “Do as I say, not as I do”

  • The Other Tim

    Shooter McGavin says what?

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      This is shooters tour!

    • Leftflank

      Go back to your hovels.

  • It’s a shame that Mike Turner is such an A-hole. He’s the Republican representative for Dayton, my hometown. I know his mother and she’s just about the sweetest woman I’ve ever met. Too bad she raised such a rotten jerk.

    • Mike Steele

      Chris Hayes had a similar story tonight. Deplorable (R) running for office. Mom and Dad (Each) gave $2700 max contribution to his opponent. Should make for a fascinating Thanksgiving dinner this year…

  • Boko999

    Anyone stupid enough to marry/do business with /talk to/ not beat senseless with a baseball bat a Republican deserves anything they get.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Also, you need “grounds” in Ohio? Welcome to 1950 ffs.

    • Lisa M. Ellis

      I didn’t think so, but I had an Ohio dissolution, technically.

    • littlegreen

      You choose fault or no-fault when you file for divorce in Ohio. A lot of states have that option.

      People tend to choose fault when they want more assets or child custody than they’ll get from the standard state divorce laws.

      Turner is hoping he can convince the judge he was egregiously betrayed and deserves something extra by way of damages.

  • javadavis

    Also, why is the article describing their assets by saying ‘he is worth this much, she is worth that much’ instead of ‘their assets amount to…’ I mean, I suppose that is how it is done, but that language should just stop right there and get reconfigured to reality. Our family assets are probably in the negative right now, but worth? He is worth sharing a sunset with, he is worth sharing humor with… you get the idea.

    • capnadequate

      Absolutely. I’m utterly disgusted that all media have succumbed to the idea that a human’s worth can be measured by looking at their asset portfolio. Thanks for calling it out.

      • javadavis

        I was offended by this notion a long time ago, in a place where thought the writer should know better. A long ago sci fi story (I measure my life in sci fi stories and trends) had a huge obstacle in suspension of disbelief, when the protagonists were required to come up with $1 Million to join some ‘travel to the future’ thingy. Obviously, if they couldn’t come up with $1 million they were not smart enough to contribute to the alternate society, they reasoned. I read it anyway, but that was the big mulligan for the story, like FTL travel via inertialess drive was for E.E. Doc Smith.

        • capnadequate

          Hardly seems utopian for those who come up with the money. No matter how automated the future might be, someone would have to do the actual work. I could see where it would be a blessing for those left behind though. I think we’d be just fine without the Trumps, Kochs, and Mercers of the world.

          • javadavis

            It was just a way to frame a SciFi version of Islandia, with a sort of yin-yang set up. There were two societies the writer described, with the first one forgettable and the only thing I remember about the *ahem* ‘taoist’ second society being that they believed something was obvious about the way they were set up and our protagonist should just get it, especially since it wasn’t describable with actual words.. It seemed pretty clear (even to my, I guess, 13-year-old self) that the author was trying to inject some fanciful mystery without having to describe it. To his credit, he did point out that the second society (considered necessary in his world) was pretty non-commercial, but that just seemed to undercut his “if you’re so smart why aren’t you rich enough to buy our ticket” stance in the beginning of his story.

      • javadavis

        ps – I think it is shorthand, possibly, but some things do not translate well to shorthand. This practice should be discontinued as it just feeds republican and evangelical fever dreams.

        • capnadequate

          It’s clearly shorthand. I don’t believe the Five Dollar Feminist really thinks we’re worth what’s in our bank accounts. But I’d be happy to see the phrase replaced. I cringe every time I hear or read it.

          • javadavis

            Agreed – words matter, and have meanings.

  • chronozoan

    to : Our Friends On The Right DON’T LECTURE ME ABOUT YOUR VALUES_SHOW ME HOW YOU LIVE

  • Red Bird on a Shithouse

    I have nothing to say about this. Strange.

  • pgjack

    Turner better watch out, Cadet Bone Spurs might grab him. Issa is a ass.

  • Zyxomma

    Ubertacky.

  • sillyclucker

    …They say, you can rely on your ex-wifes money, you can rely on your ex-wifes money…

    • Mike Steele

      Lovely! Was Turner in the Hall while Mourad was sowing her Oates?

      • Culinary Mercenary

        You mean she might have been a Maneater?

  • Damn man. I am worth more than this congress critter :D
    Well. In debt dollars.

  • Leftflank

    She married down, like 20 to 90% down.
    Was she slumming? Did he tell her that he had a lot of dough?
    Was there marriage based on price per barrel or DOW fluctuations?

    And Issa, that arsoning arsehole, probing prick, wad of fuck, could he just undick himself for a while as he gets foist at of the House and back into Arsonville by his own petard thingy.

  • ibwilliamsi

    Fuckers.

    I wish I could come up with more than that, but it just about says it all.

  • mailman27

    Paging Thomas Cromwell !! Mike Turner on Line 2 !!!

  • mailman27

    Turner thought these statements would “advantage him” in the divorce. Issa groomsmanned the wedding, and added that he knowledged Mourad in spite of the fact that she financialed more than Turner statemented.

    • Mike Steele

      Mailman emerita Lady MS blesses your pea-pickin’ heart for calling out egregious use of nouns-as-verbs. Likewise, my all-time blood-curdler, ‘parenting’.

  • Newzheimer

    No,no,no. It’s Darrell Issa, R-Car Thief.

    Please keep your felonies straight.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m getting teary-eyed and sentimental thinking about all the CPA’s who will be able to take their wives and sweethearts to a special dinner with the money they will make assessing the fair value of stock options. (I’m speaking of the male CPA’s, of course. The women CPA’s will be figuring out how to prevent their husbands and sweethearts from pulling a Mike Turner on them.

  • akita96th

    Just your basic republican fruity loop asshole.

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