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Adam Rippon

Remember our favorite male figure skater in the Olympics this year, Adam Rippon, who has been coyly rejecting Mike Pence’s constant requests for dates in PyeongChang? Rippon is still trending on Twitter this morning because, in his Olympic debut, he blew the roof off the stadium with one of the most beautiful, well-executed free skates we have EVER seen, leading the American team to a combined bronze medal. (Don’t worry, this was just the team event, you didn’t miss the individual contests. They start very soon!)

But while it was wonderful, we have a quibble — with the judges, who are idiots. (We are not the only ones who think so.) OR MAYBE Russia hacked into the judges’ computers/brains and underscored Rippon, because they are dicks like that.

You see, before Rippon skated, there was a dude named Mikhail Kolyada, representing the “Olympic Athletes from Russia,” because that asshole country is banned from the Olympics, because it cheats constantly. Kolyada’s skate was … boring. It was uninspired. It was slightly more technically difficult than Adam Rippon’s, but it was also slightly more FALL DOWN GO BOOM.

(Rippon’s performance featured zero FALL DOWN GO BOOM. Its only flaw was apparently one slight under-rotation on a jump.)

Kolyada skated an Elvis medley, the “artistic” nature of which consisted of, “Ehhhhhh, my Russian friend Yakov say if I curl my lip like this, I look like American Elvis!” Seriously, there was nothing else. Commentators Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir noticed it. Everybody noticed it.

Everybody also noticed how they were goddamned SPEECHLESS after Adam Rippon’s near-flawless skate, which used music from Coldplay and the Cinematic Orchestra. Here is a small clip, because NBC is stingy:

Suffice it to say that every note of the music came through him, and he led the viewer through the music. It was, hands down, one of the most gorgeous things we have ever seen on an ice rink.

After Rippon’s skate, he was in … second place. Behind the Russian. After Patrick Chan of Canada skated an extremely technically difficult program (and also FELL DOWN GO BOOM), Rippon ended up in third place. Here, have some Olympic scores nobody understands:

OK, ignore the column that says “TES.” Those are technical elements, and Chan’s was the most difficult program by far, so despite how he FELL DOWN GO BOOM, he was significantly higher than both Rippon and the Russian. As we said, the Russian’s skate was technically more difficult than Rippon’s, so even though it was executed Not Well, it still ended up a couple points higher than Rippon’s almost perfect skate. Blah blah whatever, “technical elements,” those get counted however they get counted, that is fine.

But how in the world did pretend Russian Elvis who falls down a lot score so closely to Rippon in artistry? That goes into the “PCS” score (program components). Specifically, PE (performance), CO (composition) and IN (intepretation of the music).

Don’t take it from a common liberal warblogger. Here are some things Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir said about the various performances, not only because they are skating experts, but because they also fucking have eyes:

  • “I was wanting to get into that performance … but he just seems so disconnected.” Lipinski, on the Russian.
  • “I couldn’t have been MORE into that.” Lipinski, on Rippon.
  • “Adam was spellbinding today, I’m a little bit taken aback … that he’s in SECOND place.” Johnny Weir, on Rippon.
  • “I don’t understand what performance the judges were watching!” Lipinski, on WTF with these judges.
  • “Oatmeal.” Johnny Weir, on how exciting that Russian was.
  • “Had me quaking.” Weir, on Rippon’s performance.

Whatever was in the judges’ heads, the fact they couldn’t seem to give Rippon the component score he deserved is why he ended up in third place. Granted, Rippon did beat the Russian in components, but come on, whether it was the judges who decided to screw Rippon or whether it was Russian hackers, that’s how they would rig it. “LOL, we cannot make Russian idiot Elvis win artistic score, that would be too obvious, Sergei! No, we will just give mean gay American SLIGHTLY SMALLER score, so that in the end, the Russian eke out tiny win in Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin!”

From what we have seen, Rippon is gracious and so excited to be there and thrilled he helped contribute to the US team winning bronze last night. Just so you know he’s not yelling about this. We will leave that to OURSELVES, because that shit was fucked up and that dumb Russian did not deserve to beat Adam Rippon in any universe.

Here, have a Rippon interview, from after his skate. He’s a pretty funny guy who’s obviously worked his ass off for this:

This has been your Winter Olympics update from Wonkette. We really should be in PyeongChang, don’t you think? Well, if you think that, DONATE HARDER.

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