I’m, like. A real. Smart dog. And a goodboy!

Nice story in the Washington Post today that just confirms what we already knew, only in a bit more detail of the sort designed to leave your jaw dropped and your mind reeling: Donald Trump doesn’t read his Presidential Daily Breifings (PDB), the digest of top-secret stuff the intelligence community prepares for every president to inform them of what’s up in the world’s hot spots, with the aim of making sure that in a crisis, the president has accumulated some knowledge of stuff that might be useful. Hey, not his style. Donald Trump doesn’t read, and if Michael Wolff’s book Pants on Fire: Like, Not Regular Fire But White Phosphorus Flares Type Fire has it right, it’s entirely possible he can’t read more than a paragraph or so before his brain is full. As the Post notes, Trump’s not the first president to eschew written briefings; Nixon reportedly preferred oral too, especially from Henry Kissinger.

Still, the WaPo story often sounds like an intelligence-world version of a parent-teacher conference where the parent is threatening to strangle the teacher if there’s any suggestion that little Donnie is, well, an incurious dullard who refuses to take any interest in anything that isn’t about him. And they’ve already tried printing the PDB with glitter headings. Sample:

Reading the traditionally dense intelligence book is not Trump’s preferred “style of learning,” according to a person with knowledge of the situation.

The arrangement underscores Trump’s impatience with exhaustive classified documents that go to the commander in chief — material that he has said he prefers condensed as much as possible. But by not reading the daily briefing, the president could hamper his ability to respond to crises in the most effective manner, intelligence experts warned.

Translation: The president can’t/wont read, and you should be scared.

The story notes that after a few months in office, Trump stopped even pretending to review the written version of the PDB. Instead, the briefers did what they could to catch his eye with “photos, videos and graphics.” Attempts to simplify things to a form that would keep him engaged, however, would often be met with Trumpian anger, because then he thought the briefers were “talking down to him,” when in fact he is, like, a really smart person.

But just listen to the glowing assessments of his intelligence people, who don’t at all sound like they’re complimenting a flabby naked Trump on his fine suit of clothes:

Michael Anton, a spokesman for the National Security Council, said Trump “is an avid consumer of intelligence, appreciates the hard work of his briefers and of the entire intelligence community and looks forward every day to the give and take of his intelligence briefings.”

Daniel Coats, the director of national intelligence, said in a statement that “any notion that President Trump is not fully engaged in the PDB or does not read the briefing materials is pure fiction and is clearly not based on firsthand knowledge of the process.”

Indeed, said Coats, Donald Trump “engages for significantly longer periods than I understand many previous presidents have done.” What’s more, he had the biggest inauguration crowd in history, period. And his beautiful magic clothes are surely the finest in the kingdom.

There’s a lot of condescending observations from former officials from other administrations, like Leon Panetta, who thought Barack Obama was all hot shit because he went to Harvard Law and never had to work for a living, him with his briefings delivered on a secure iPad like a stinking effete yuppie. Panetta said oral briefings just can’t give the depth of knowledge a president may need in a crisis:

Something will be missed,” Panetta said. “If for some reason his instincts on what should be done are not backed up by the intelligence because he hasn’t taken the time to read that intel, it increases the risk that he will make a mistake.”

Trump’s defenders, however, point to his willingness to call the status quo into question, to shake things up:

Trump’s admirers say he has a unique ability to cut through conventional foreign policy wisdom and ask questions that others have long taken for granted. “Why are we even in Somalia?” or “Why can’t I just pull out of Afghanistan?” he will ask, according to officials.

Why is there air? Who put the moon there? Why is Kim Jong Un? Where was that stooped and mealy-colored old man I used to call Poppa when the merry-go-round broke down?

Another “senior administration official” said Trump

asks “edge” questions […] meaning that he pushes his staff to question long-held assumptions about U.S. interests in the world.

Like, why don’t Australians just fall off? Tell me that, smart guy. That kind of edge.

Give the whole thing a read, if only to get yet another appreciation of just how abnormal this president is. We especially liked the parts where the White House staffers explained Trump had bright eyes and seemed almost to know exactly what you’re saying when you talk to him. He thinks he’s people!

Update: Darn it, I went and forgot a thing again, so here is this inevitable thing:

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  • Jenny

    golden retriever/shiba inu/chow chow/ whatever yellow spitz dog libelz!

  • puredog

    OTOH, it’s been proven that you can read “Bin Laden determined to strike in U.S.” and still not get it.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    When has treating the PDB like a nuisance ever backfired?

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      You mean, “Steel workers determined to strike in US”?

  • memzilla Ω

    At the atomic level, Dolt 45 is comprised of protons, electrons, neutrons, and morons.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      How many atomic mass units in a moron?

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB


    • Shawn Charniga

      “Hydrogen isn’t the most common element in the universe. Stupidity is.” — FZ

  • canes_pugnaces

    It’s the expression ‘intelligence brief’ that’s bothering him. “Why do they want to show me underwear,” Trump was heard to say.

    • Asterix

      Oh dear gawds…I’m going to need a metric fuckton of alcohol to get rid of that image from my brain.

      • Jonny On Maui

        I’ve started to keep grams of hashish around just to help with short term memory…

        • Asterix

          I’m stuck with booze – pot and hash make me sick as a dog.

    • Major^3 Andre

      And at least three women have knowingly fucked that. What some people will do for money, amirite?

      • Nockular cavity

        Hey I’m sure it’s always over quickly.

        • Major^3 Andre

          But the trauma lasts forever

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Two of the three, were immigrants, once again doing jobs americans won’t.

    • aureolaborealis

      I don’t like to body shame, except that he does it himself, so … That boy’s ass looks like 150 pounds* of chewed bubble gum.

      * That’s just his ass.

      • Major^3 Andre

        Rancid cottage cheese in nude colored pantyhose.

        Body by Breakstone’s (TM)

        • Jonny On Maui


  • Jonny On Maui

    Nixon reportedly preferred oral too, especially from Henry Kissinger.

    You’re a rib tickler Dok!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Ribbed fr yr plezzyoor.

    • BadKitty904


  • WotsAllThisThen

    What’s this? I thought you were bringing me a PB&J. No go back and do it right, dammit!

  • OrG

    “…it increases the risk he will make a mistake.”
    Nope. He’s already batting 1.000.

    • BadKitty904


    • puredog
      • Amy!

        Ooooookay. That cover has a baseball player wearing the uniform of a team that has a name starting with ‘c’ and ending with ‘ck’, holding a bat with a cock on it.

        I’m sure that there’s a way to put more dick jokes into a single picture, but I’m too fragile to try to imagine such a thing.

        I note that the kid has yellow hair. And prolly bone spurs. Certainly the rooster has spurs.

  • Indiepalin

    Trump prefers oral too. Especially from Hope Hicks.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      Now that’s just a low blow.

      • therblig

        there are more things in heaven and earth, fellatio

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist


    • WotsAllThisThen

      He gets steamed when you talk about her like that.

    • calliecallie

      That’s pretty hard to swallow.

  • mailman27

    So grasp, very reading.

  • Jenny

    No, edgy questions like:

    Why can’t I just fire all the nukes?

    Why do we care if people are dead?

    Should I really care that you beat your wife last night?

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I think someone posted this already on another thread, but I’m not sure.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    I feel bad for the people that have to deliver this Pitiful Daily Blowjob.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Me: “In the next sentence you speak, you will be talking about your shoes.”
    Me: “Howabout that weather today, huh, they never said it would be this sunny!”
    Me: “Oh, by the way, nice shoes, where did you get them”.
    Them: “Oh thanks, I got them at JC Penny”.

    An actual conversation I had with a wasted stoner at a party once.

  • aureolaborealis

    Edginess and acting from the heart. Things not very smart people have thought will hide their lack of preparation and/or intelligence for generations!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Don’t misunderestimate him. You never know, he may just be having 11-dimensional chess described to him with colorful charts and pictures.

    • bupkus231

      Yeah, but charts and pictures are merely two-dimensional projections of three dimensions – so Donnie’s tutors are about 8 or 9 dimensions short.

      But, that’s okay – Donnie’s a few McNuggets short of a Happy Meal, anyway….

  • Crystalclear12

    OK. . .OK. . .

    But her emails?

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    And, for reference; learning styles are bullshit, and anybody who tells you that you have this or that learning style is coddling you and hoping to scam you out of some money.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Drink beer until 6 AM, glance at the book, shower, then drink as much coffee as possible while looking at notes isn’t a “learning style”?

      • Major^3 Andre

        Or, as I refer to it, my first semester back in school after the Navy.

        • Ling Ling

          Adrift without the “Plan Of The Day” and PMS cards

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        I have no fucking idea how to do anything whatsoever without a computer – at least a pdf editor and MS word. If someone put a gun to my head I’d figure it out, but fortunately I don’t have to.

    • calliecallie

      If that’s really true, I’ve been taking way too many notes for way too long.

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        I _never_ take notes in class. It is a filthy habit, which distracts from the lecture more than occasionally glancing at your cellphone ever will. Sometimes I type stuff at meetings, action items in particular, but in class I just listen. Then I go home and google shit and assemble it in OneNote.

        PS – OneNote is God. I don’t know how civilization existed without it.

        • H0mer0

          I have to take notes even though I often miss things which is annoying. I need to do something kinetic or else I can’t focus and note-taking is the least distracting. As with planners and calenders and agendas, no one technique suits everyone.

          • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

            Take up origami. I have the same exact problem and it’s been a tremendous help.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        I find listening and taking notes helps me to encode it into memory better. I’d rather read than hear a lecture though.

    • bupkus231

      “learning styles” as a phrase sounds like a direct ripoff of “lifestyle”, and should garner the same contempt that conservatives always gave that term….

  • WotsAllThisThen

    My preferred learning style is wake and bake, followed by watching TV with a book on my head.

  • Tetman Callis

    I don’t know if it’s the goalposts keep moving, or the ground shifting under my feet, or the disorienting effects of the worst fucking acid flashback ever imaginable, but when is it exactly, or even approximately, that Liddl Donnie’s presence in the Oval Office is deemed, by whatever responsible adults may be wandering by, to be be either unconstitutional or a clear and present danger to the republic?

    • BadKitty904

      As soon as we get the Republicans out of Congress.

    • Asterix

      Approximately the end of January 2019.

    • ArgieBargie

      It’s depressing and exhausting, but sadly, I feel like it’s become the new normal. Even the “mainstream” media seems to have toned the criticism in their reporting. In most cases, it just comes across as just “oh, well, it’s just another day in Trump’s America!”

      • Grokenstein

        It’s all a reality show until it starts hitting THEM in the face.

  • Jenny

    He doesn’t need no reading because he has like, what you call a brain, and a good memory, and other stuff!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    OT. Howdy from Winterlude in Ottawa. View out our hotel door. Shots from the canal / skating rink later.

    • BearGHAZI

      That’s a lot of cocaine. Take it easy

      • Stable Uniomist Raan

        Tony Montana would be erect if all the cocaine hadn’t made him impotent.

    • Wow! Looks like spring!

    • BadKitty904

      How’d you get sand all over your balcony?

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      Shouldn’t Ottawa have more “o’s” in it?

  • They should just tweet him the briefings. Publicly. Really, it would be an improvement, given the leakiness of the white house.

  • ArgieBargie

    Those fucking Intelligence nerds just keep sabotaging our Very Stable Genius’ Executive Time.

  • cmd resistor

    Scary stuff:
    During the first year of Trump’s presidency, the format of his intelligence briefings changed.
    In the early days, he received the traditional briefing sometime between 9 and 10:30 a.m., according to his publicly released schedules. Within a few months, his intelligence advisers began augmenting the sessions with maps, charts, pictures and videos, as well as “killer graphics,” as Pompeo put it at the time.
    “That’s our task, right? To deliver the material in a way that he can best understand the information we’re trying to communicate,” Pompeo told The Post in May.
    The early briefing sessions had a more freewheeling quality, according to current and former administration officials. Five or more White House aides might join Trump for the briefing, in addition to his briefer and intelligence officials.
    The meetings were often dominated by whatever topic most interested the president that day. Trump would discuss the news of the day or a tweet he sent about North Korea or the border wall — or anything else on his mind, two people familiar with the briefings said.
    On such days, there would only be a few minutes left — and the briefers would have barely broached the topics they came to discuss, one senior U.S. official said.
    “He often goes off on tangents during the briefing and you’d have to rein him back in,” one official said.
    After he joined the administration in July, Chief of Staff John F. Kelly slashed the number of people who could attend the intelligence briefings in an effort to exert more discipline over how the president consumes information, current and former officials said.

  • BadKitty904
    • Grokenstein

      From President Jellybean Naptime Cowboy to President Darth Cheney and his hand puppet Li’l Dubbie to President Unprecedented Shithole.

      I don’t think we can survive the next logical step in that sequence…

      • BadKitty904

        Let’s make sure we don’t have to try.

    • puredog

      You know, it suddenly occurs to me that Trump is a gift to Wonkette. To be sure, we would all refuse this gift if we were given a chance, but consider: If any quasi-normal Republican (think, say, Mittens) were president, there would be grumbling, sure, and snark. But there would not be this 24-7-365 supply of horrific and unbelievable shit that we now have. As I say, I’d take the trade-off, but it’s good for Wonkette, thass all Imma saying.

      • BadKitty904

        I dunno. Wonkette did pretty OK, IMHO, without a 24-7-365 supply of horrific and unbelievable shit. For example, we occasionally had some Good News back in those days…

        • puredog

          I’ll admit, I became a Wonkette addict in about 8/16, after not having visited it since the Ana Marie Cox days, so I don’t have a lot of history to go by. And, what is this “Good News” to which you allude? Does not compute.

          • BadKitty904

            Once upon a time, in the time before this time, there was a wonderful land called America, which was ruled by a wise and mighty prince named Obama…

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi
    • BadKitty904

      Which GOP “dog-whistles” are those? Racism? Misogyny? Homophobia? Religious bigotry? Xenophobia?

  • Blanche de Shambles

    It’s this lack of attention to detail that leads to things like overlooking a small European nation’s unilateral declaration of war on the US.

  • bupkus231

    “…if only to get yet another appreciation of just how abnormal this president is.”

    I’ve already had enough evidence of how “abnormal” this asshole is – along with how “abnormal” his GOP enablers are and how “abnormal” his “supporters” are.

    What we need is for those assholes to gain some “appreciation” of just how fucknutted their behavior/attitudes are and to begin to make amends. I won’t be satisfied until I see Trumpanzees in sackcloth and ashes….

    • BadKitty904

      “Abnormal” may be today’s most incredible understatement…

  • Could some noble patriot arrange to switch out Trump for his Golden Retriever doppleganger there and see if anyone notices?

    • Major^3 Andre

      I think Hope Hicks’ leg will be appreciative the reduction in unwanted humpings.

      • OutOfOrbit

        Haha! I get it.

    • CripesAmighty

      Hard to explain the improvement in cognitive and language skills.

      • Grokenstein

        Plus the Retriever will hump fewer legs.

  • Ms. MLG on Maui

    His preferred style of learning is having a sex worker spank magazine articles on his ass.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      Shit I wish that worked, I would totally pay for that.

    • Doug Langley

      Ah, but it must be an intellectual magazine.

  • Spurning Beer

    So the presidency is an open-book test where Donald won’t even look at the book, but wants it acted out for him by intelligence agents like a puppet show. And he still wants his posse in the room so they can remember things that he doesn’t want to have to pay attention to.

    • Teto85

      That is the best description of that situation I have read. Clear and to the point. And funny as hell.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      You misspelled “pussy.”

  • TJ Barke
  • Mr. Blobfish
    • WotsAllThisThen

      Rob Porter NOOOO!

    • GoutMachine

      He’d still miss the nuance and social satire.

  • Covfefe

    Rev. Al Sharpton just disrespected the President of the United States in MSNBC. “He doesn’t want to read the intelligence but he wants a parade.”

    • weejee

      Like the hookers from Donny’s Moscow hotel room?

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    I thought wasting everybody’s time with stupid questions was Omarosa’s thing.

  • OutOfOrbit

    The less that orange shitforbrains knows, the safer I feel

  • Indiepalin

    I have this recurring dream where Melania is the one actually running the country.

    • Bebecca

      I actually think she would be less mean-spirited.

  • weejee

    Thanks for that Dok. Still have a few hours to floss my brain before heading off with my bride for some soothing music. Found that before trying yoga centering techniques after contemplating tRump, some rigorous brain flossing is very helpful.

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB
    • TJ Barke

      “He has asked the Department of Defense to explore a celebration at which all Americans can show their appreciation.”

      Like Memorial day? Or Veteran’s day? Or the 4th of July?

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Pearl Harbor Day.

        • TJ Barke


          • Daniel

            He thinks that’s about bras.

          • TJ Barke

            It’s not?

          • Stable Uniomist Raan

            He must be thinking of Double-D-Day, when the new Victoria’s Secret catalog comes out.

          • Daniel

            He thinks Victoria’s Secret is a British royal version of The Da Vinci Code.

        • Daniel

          He thinks that’s about…well, not a necklace but something similar.

      • bupkus231

        Trump’s Resignation Day.

      • Covfefe

        I say Flag Day. ( It’s Donald’s birthday.)

    • Covfefe

      Thing is, if we let Messican troops in to march in Trump’s parade, will they overstay their visas?

    • puredog

      “Please parade in front of me like your French girls.”

    • Jamoche

      “But a military parade in Washington would likely be perceived as a more timely political message from a single individual to the nation and, indeed, to the world, along the lines of: Look at how strong we (and I) are.”

      More like “Look how tiny his dick is”

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Where was that stooped and mealy-colored old man I used to call Poppa when the merry-go-round broke down?

    I am now disturbed that I do not know this.

    • Stable Uniomist Raan
      • Carpe Vagenda

        The stooped and mealy-colored old man was Elmer J Fudd, millionaire, who owned a mansion and a yacht?

        The things you learn on mommy blogs.

        • Stable Uniomist Raan

          Things really went downhill for him after the IRS came after him for trying hide his assets with a rabbit

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Hare raising.

          • TundraGrifter

            “Fifty Years and One Gray Hare.”

          • puredog

            Was that the source material for “Fifty Shades of Gray”?

    • Daniel

      Poor Mr. Rusty.

  • Grokenstein

    The “president” who can’t even handle the Cliff Notes version and his handlers have to jangle keys in front of him to keep him focused. And then he gets fussy.

    Jesus H. Cthulhu. Somebody please try to explain to me again how this is better than Hillary, because I really need to vent some frustration right now.

    • Rooster Cogburn105

      Hillary talked to icky bankers once. Plus emails. How many reasons do you need?

    • Peter Witting

      Any man is better than that “nasty woman” – every Trump voter, evah

  • UnsaltedSinner

    But just listen to the glowing assessments of his intelligence people, who don’t at all sound like they’re complimenting a flabby naked Trump on his fine suit of clothes…

    That reminds me…

    • WotsAllThisThen

      See? Lots of people don’t read.

    • Daniel

      The icing on the cake is that he’s used “simplistic” incorrectly.

      • everstar

        Ugh, there you go again with your liberal insistence that words have meaning.

    • ChumpsForTrump

      Reminds me of a meeting Saddam Hussein had with his cabinet, that was on TV around the time Dubya invaded (not sure when the actual meeting happened).

      No actual work was done or anything like that.. they all just took turns kissing Saddam’s hairy ass and telling him how grateful they were to have a great leader like him.

      • H0mer0

        that reminds me of when Cartman had a tea party and they went around the table with his stuffed animals telling him how great he was until the frog told him he was a piece of crap

  • Daniel

    “Edge” questions-

    1) Why do we have nukes if we don’t use them?

    For a long time liberal elites have coasted by in smug complacency thinking everyone just agrees that the total annihilation of the human race would be a bad thing. Trump forces us to think about the opportunities of a post-nuclear holocaust landscape, and how nice it will be to piss on the charred corpses of people who disagreed with us, or made jokes at our expense.

    2) is the whole “general peace of Europe since 1945” a good thing?

    Liberals have convinced a tired, sheeplish nation that peace and prosperity in Europe is a good thing, while forgetting that NATO costs money and Europeans think they’re better than us just because they invented the spherical earth- and that’s actually an oblate spheroid because they had such crappy tools from Italy to do it with. But what if it was to be ripped apart by a war again? The US profited yugely from the last world war, why do liberals hate American industry?

    3) are women really people?

    A question as if not more valid in today’s hyper feminized world of not nuking countries and not rending continents apart by war as it’s ever been.

    • UnsaltedSinner

      Perhaps there is a book that would interest Trump after all, if he could just get someone to read it for him.

      • Doug Langley

        Nuclear War for Fun and Profit.

        • TundraGrifter

          “Mr. President, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed.
          But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
          Uh, depending on the breaks.”

          ~ Gen. Buck Turgeson

      • Mr Ephemeris

        What’s in it for you? Painless death if at ground zero, painful death if farther out.

    • Covfefe

      I believe that women are 3/5ths of a person.

      • Mr Canoehead, Porg Griller

        “Women hold up half the sky…but only in the poorer neighborhoods”

        Nicole Hollander

  • Bebecca

    While the picture of trump-hair dog makes me laugh, as a dog lover I’m offended.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Yeah, but it’s a chow. (I’m scared of chows.)

      • Covfefe

        This is for everyone who is scared of dogs.

        One of my neighbors once had a chow. His name was “Ricky.” Ricky and I were friends.

        One day my son brought his dog over. This dog was half golden retriever and half German Shepherd. His name was “Martin.” My wife topped out at 115. Martin had at least ten pounds on her.

        Ricky didn’t much like Martin but Ricky kept his mouth shut until he sided up to me. Then he started growling at Martin. Well, Martin Thought I was with him. We separated the two of them.

        The moral of this story is that Ricky, a fierce chow, thought that Martin would cower before Ricky plus me. How brave do you think Ricky was?

        • Opalescent Riddles

          A wuss. Just like a lot of toadys are wusses unless they’re flanked by their bully. And vice versa.

          edit: yeah, I’m talking about the assholes in the Trump WH.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          Ricky. Martin. ISWYDT.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        One of my friends had a beautiful rescue chow-Samoyed mix. Imagine if a dog was a big fluffy white teddy bear. She was mostly pretty chill, but when she got stressed out, like during a thunderstorm, my friend would return home to find some article of clothing or another chewed to shreds. Jeans, sweaters, leather jackets, you name it.
        Other than that she was a cool pup.

      • TundraGrifter

        Every dog is a chow. Hound.

  • Paperless Tiger

    That explains why he sounds like an idiot every time he opens his mouth. Every. Time.

    • TundraGrifter


  • shastakoala

    Math and now reading? When will this madness end?!

  • YaJagoff

    The mere existence of this fuckin’ idjut takes torture to level never before seen in the history of torture

  • Opalescent Riddles

    “But by not reading the daily briefing, the president could hamper his ability to respond to crises in the most effective manner, intelligence experts warned.”

    Brilliant, massive understatement.

    • Opiwan

      Yeah, what he really wanted to say was, “By not knowing important shit, that by the way the taxpayers spend a LOT OF MONEY TO ALLOW US TO LEARN via our intelligence services, the derpident increases every day the probability he will royally fuck something up because he’s willfullly ignorant.”

    • TundraGrifter

      Or – here’s a wild thought – the President could have the breadth and depth of knowledge requisite to see an issue coming down the road and head it off before it becomes a crises or debacle.

      • Opalescent Riddles

        That would require a foundation of knowledge that is regularly updated and refined. Fuck that shit; what’s Hannity say about it?

      • Rooster Cogburn105


        Upchuck Toad glowers sardonically at your whole liberal “being prepared” act. If I find the genie in the lamp one my last wish will be to bring back John Holmes from the dead to give Chuckie’s Soul Patch some down home lovin’ a la John Henry the rail drivin’ man

        Live on MSNBC
        Some scenes may be too graphic for small children or large adults

    • Rooster Cogburn105

      Honestly, does it even matter whether he reads the thing or not? There’s nothing in there about hot blondes or muneez to be made, so you think he gives 1/5th of a fuck? Even if he listens to the spook-speech, he’s thinking about golf and KFC and folding Vanky’s frilly underthings fresh out of the dryer

  • Edith Prickly, Stable Genius

    I know I keep saying this, but how does anyone spend more than five minutes in this asshole’s presence without trying to kill him or themselves? WHAT A FUCKING MORON.

    • Blockhead Squared

      It’s the hepped up imperious tone that he uses, that just keeps getting worse and worse, along with that slow blinking faux royalty schtick that is really starting to get on my nerves.

    • blaid droog

      Ideally, they would do him first and then themselves. Of course if they did him first they wouldn’t need to do themselves.

      • Rooster Cogburn105

        Could you imagine being on the SS detail and having to look yourself in the mirror and say:

        “today, I might have to jump in front of a bullet for Trump”


    • Rooster Cogburn105

      Having carried loaded duty-issue firearms around thousands of assholes, it takes training, professionalism, and putting your mind in a better place, like here

  • Gorillionaire

    Hey, this is the guy that Vlad Putin and a few million of our pretend oppressed racist shit head voters wanted, so there.

  • Mavenmaven

    He asks edge questions like, why can’t we just do what Putin asked me to do?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      “Why do I have to sit here and use my very good brain! I’m supposed get to sit on a throne and occasionally feed a Christian to a lion. Where is Pence, anyway?”

  • Garbageman

    I’ll take the dog for president instead. At least dogs can be trained to not eat their own poo . .

    • puredog

      I NEED your newsletter.

  • YaJagoff

    trump,trump jr.,Ivanka and Jared are on a private jet when the pilot announces that there is complete engine failure and will crash. The pilot also says that there is only one parachute. Who gets the parachute?….Answer: the pilot.

    • blaid droog


    • Rooster Cogburn105

      “this is a recording”

  • Duke

    “Edge questions” like things that are completely ridiculous or ignorant. “Why can’t we just…”

    I’m sure his base is excited, though. They can’t/won’t read either.

  • TundraGrifter

    It’s impossible to orally present the same amount of information that can be written down. I remember, as a child, being told the average half-hour newscast on TV was the equivalent of 2/3rds of one page of the daily newspaper.

    Now, if the CIA would hire a blue-eyed blonde in a short skirt to give the daily PIB, DJT’s attention span would probably be a bit longer.

  • Rick Hill

    As if knowledge of what’s going on anywhere would affect his course of actions on any situation. his course of action always being whatever he thinks at this particular instant.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      And it is inevitably the absolute worst option.

  • MOG253

    He does look so life-like.

    • Mr Ephemeris


  • Bright Bart

    Why is there air? Who put the moon there? Why is Kim Jong Un? Where was that stooped and mealy-colored old man I used to call Poppa when the merry-go-round broke down?

    Where is my Ray Cohn?

    • SDGeoff3

      Where does the world go when I close the blinds?

      • Ellie

        Does the light go out when I close the refrigerator door?

      • Bright Bart

        How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of Stormy Daniels?

  • brucej

    Now where did I put my Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses?? I have a feeling they’re going to be needed soon…
    (no really I do have a pair around here somewhere…it came in the Infocom game box along with my treasured ‘Don’t Panic’ button.)

    • GreyWolfSC

      Still got my pin and glasses. I think the microscopic space fleet may have disintegrated but I can’t tell by looking at the package. :/

  • Lefty Wright

    Trump isn’t asking question long taken for granted because he is trying to promote thinking outside the box, it’s because he has no idea of basic international norms, politics, geography, and traditions. Like why can’t I insult the leaders of the UK, Australia, or Germany. What the fuck is the UK, anyway? Is Taiwan part of China?

  • Sakonyachen

    I would be a fan of the fact that Trump questioned why we are in several of the theaters we are in if it was because he thought it was a waste of resources and good young women and men.

    Unfortunately, he just doesn’t want to waste his time on them.

  • JLaw

    Fuckin magnets. How do they work?

    • Ω cynmac asks for your excuse?

      How does any of it work?

      • blaid droog

        How does a guy get to be president and not work?

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      Tides — No one can explain them!

  • President in Exile Firefly

    “Edge questions” = “questions only a stupid person would ask”

    • Rooster Cogburn105

      What makes Teflon stick to the pan, hunnh smart guy?

      • blaid droog

        I’ve always wanted to know the answer to that. Also, why does it rain?

        • kareemachan

          Tides go in….

          Dang it, I should read more comments before commenting….

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Edge of sanity?

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Kissinger? I always heard Bebe Rebozo

  • Niblick

    I like the part about Donald Trump doesn’t need intelligence…
    Ignorant and lazy seem to Precedential qualities.

  • Mr. White

    The last time intelligence briefings were ignored, we wound up with terrorists flying planes into buildings. So very comforting.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      At least Shrub seems to have learned his lesson. Donnie isn’t capable of learning anything at all.

  • Mike Minden

    The irony of the title is that Trumpy doesn’t have any friends – just people he can exploit for his own gain. He does, however, seem to attract foxes that are lacking in common sense (or are desperate for a green card).

  • georgiaburning

    The spooks need to do like those people in Taiwan and prepare a news cartoon with big breasted women and sound effects. That might keep his interest for three or four minutes.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      New tensions between North Breast and South Breast?

      • Dudleydidwrong

        “And one of those nipples is armed with nuclear weapons.”

        “Uh, which one. They both look the same to me–pretty good.”

        “The one on the north side of the woman, Mr. President.”

        “Women have their norths and souths different from men? Who knew that?”

    • Niblick

      You mean…staff?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “I like the Presidential part. Love it, in fact!. Brief, they need to do a better job on. These things are not brief. Fake label! And as for daily, really? Every single day? Even golf days?”
    — Donald Trump

    • Mr. White

      Golf days? That would be everyday then.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      Good thing nothing ever happens on the weekend.

  • Holly

    You can’t read this stuff everyday and wonder if we aren’t actually dreaming the same nightmare.

    And don’t you feel extra safe knowing he takes advice from the likes of Jared, Ivanka, and Hope?

    Three idiots in search of a clue.

    • Niblick

      We don’t know who is feeding him this pablum…

      • Old Man Yells at Cloud

        Steve Dookey.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    Fun fact, that dog dressed like Trump is ironically more qualifed to be president than the real Trump.

    • Jon Sussex

      The dog wears the wig better also too.

      • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

        And when people hear that the dog doesn’t read, they’re like, “D’awww, but at least he’s trying. Such a good boy!”

    • Manhattan123

      And can lick his own balls. Trump hasn’t even seen his since the 90s.

      • Rooster Cogburn105

        “If I could do that, I’d never come on CNN”

        Steve Bannon

  • JD Mulvey

    “Nixon reportedly preferred oral too, especially from Henry Kissinger.”

    Now you’re just taunting us, Dok.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      My favorite line and a nasty visual.

    • Zyxomma

      Nope. Nixon and Bebe Rebozo, in the pool. A very long-term affair.

      • H0mer0

        thank you!

  • Amy!

    Trump’s not the first president to eschew written briefings; Nixon reportedly preferred oral too, especially from Henry Kissinger.

    I see what you did there. We are not amused.

  • wavicles

    “What makes the Hottentot so hot?
    What put the ape in apricot?
    What do they got that I ain’t got?”

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist


      • Bitter Scribe

        You can say that again.

        • Rooster Cogburn105

          “I would not just be a nuthin’
          My head all full of stuffin’
          My heard all full of pain
          I could fly with the sparrows and the boys who shoot the arrows
          If I only had a brain”

  • Rooster Cogburn105
    • Justin Thyme

      oh, wise guy, eh?

      • SDGeoff3

        Why, I oughtta…NIAGARA FALLS…!!!

        • Justin Thyme

          step by step…

          • Rooster Cogburn105

            centimeter by centimeter……

            Sorry, pardon my French

        • Cleo_Cat

          Abbott and Costello actually.

          • SDGeoff3

            A lot of vaudevillians used it. It was a standard!

          • H0mer0

            I’ve told youse guys before, but I am trying to preserve that tradition by teaching my sons never to let any mention of Niagara falls go unanswered by “SLOWLY I TURN….” So far, only an adult chaperone on a choir trip understood what dey wuz ranting about.

          • Andy Lemieux

            I get the same reaction. Precious few get the reference.

          • H0mer0

            A wise guy, eh?

          • Andy Lemieux

            Soitenly! And now if we can get back to our bridge game, I bid No Trump.

    • HooverVilles

      Dewey Cheatam and Howe
      Attorneys at law.

  • Maybe

    Donald Trump Doesn’t Need Intelligence Briefings because he doesn’t have any intelligence to brief.

  • guppy06

    Where was that stooped and mealy-colored old man I used to call Poppa when the merry-go-round broke down?

    Right here:

    But why you called him “Poppa” is beyond me.

    • MC Planck

      How did the civilization that created that put a man on the moon?

      • guppy06

        To get away from it.

        • H0mer0

          Thanks for esplaining and also showing me the possible origin of the bugs bunny theme song. While my childhood still sucked, it makes a little more sense (Hint: Lawrence Welk was involved.)

  • Just Noh

    “engages for significantly longer periods than I understand many previous presidents have done.” for example, William Henry Harrison, he might as well have been dead. oh, wait

  • Manhattan123

    With Trump, Presidential Intelligence is neither presidential nor intelligent. Discuss.

  • I wouldn’t have picked out Nixon to be the previous non-reader – that seemed more Reaganesque to me. Live and learn.

    • javadavis

      Reagan had experience with learning his script, at least.

  • Michael R

    You know something , Clownstick can be a real bitch

  • james crubb

    Where is the ‘edge’ of the earth?

    • Mr Ephemeris

      You’re standing on it!

  • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

    Aww, that fluffy puppy is so lucky not to have any idea what this is all about. Plus he lacks Trump’s maliciousness, and would be a less awful president who also doesn’t read the daily intelligence summary.

    (I’ve officially reached that stage in stress exhaustion where I look at pictures of cute animals and lose my mind over them)

  • Johnny Appleseed

    Print the PDBs on toilet paper in crayon. That way he can get caught up with reality while on his text chair. He’s FOS so 50-100 pages is realistic.

    • FelineMama

      He wouldn’t even understand “color by numbers”. MORON.
      Anyway, “Intelligence” & the Idiot in Chief is an oxymoron.

  • Mentally Stable Ron

    Of course, if he actually ever read anything pertaining to the job or the country he’d already know the answers to questions like, “Why are we even in Somalia?” or “Why can’t I just pull out of Afghanistan?” But that would be asking too much of him.

  • Rooster Cogburn105
  • Rooster Cogburn105

    After the 2016 elections, I’m convinced that the Universe is composed of:

    1. Protons
    2. Neutrons
    3. Electrons
    4. Morons

    • H0mer0

      how does one eat a rock from the moon?

  • Zyxomma

    Oy, vey iz mir. Gevalt.

  • Andy Lemieux

    Other accommodations for his unwillingness/inability to read:

    *abridged Cliff Notes
    *no cartoons with word balloons or captions
    *street signs have to be done in rebus
    *Scrabble tiles can only have drawings on them
    *his copy of Sports Illustrated actually has to be just illustrated
    *have to speak unambiguously to him since he can-t read between the lines
    *NO Alpha-Bits or alphabet cereal or soup, respectively

    Other fun facts:

    *voted for the other guy when GHWB said “Read my lips.”
    *believes that if God had meant us to read, we would have been born literate
    *hates Lou Reed, Donna Reed and the Reading Railroad
    *the only magazine he subscribes to is Readers’ Digest Digest
    *when he chastises the staff he has to Tweet them the Riot Act
    *thinks skywriting should be banned in favor of skyshouting
    *favorite Pat Boone song: Love Powerpoint Presentations in the Sand
    *experts say his aversion to reading could be a result of watching Reading Rainbow in black and white

    • H0mer0

      [“Tweet the riot act”-nyurk nyurk-I want to party with YOU!]

      • Andy Lemieux

        And I with you, who quotes the Simpsons, the Stooges and Cartman. And Bugs Bunny.

  • Poly_Ester

    TL;DR pretty much sums up teh Trump “presidency.”

  • chronozoan

    They had the same problem with Ronnie Raygun. By all accounts he had only nominal understanding of what was being told to him and would become visibly upset if forced to make a decision.He preferred to read his fan mail instead.
    Nixon reportedly preferred oral too, especially from Henry Kissinger….well thanks for putting that image in my head.

  • Delu

    Projection without blinking.

    Trumpians are that.

  • Ghoti theLinguist
  • Deborah Ujevich

    Oh, for Christ’s sake. In the same vein as “there’s always a tweet,” there’s also always a stupid quote. He straight said that for EIGHT YEARS – could be 8! – he was too durned smart to be told the same thing over & over, EVERY EXHAUSTING DAY, just tell him when there’s maybe some change or something! So really, they can save their breath, although it’s far too late for their credibility. This is also the pinhead who REGULARLY torches things like key GOP initiatives with unfortunately timed tweets.

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