Lord help us, there is a new conspiracy. Yes, in the Fox News/GOP idiot/Trump White House’s never-ending quest to make the cover-up as bad as Trump’s Russia crimes, a new nugget has been discovered! Isn’t that exciting? Now, you might be asking, “But wait, didn’t you just tell us this morning about a brand new Devin Nunes conspiracy theory theory?” Yes, we did. Who says these assholes can’t roll out two conspiracies at a time? They are professional liars, after all.
Anyway, the new thing has already featured in a presidential proclamation on Trump’s Twitter account, and surprise, it features HOT FBI SEXTS between Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, who truly didst plot to destroy Donald Trump, with their sexts:
BOMBSHELLS, YOU SAY, GOOD SIR, BOMBSHELLS? ARE THEY GOING TO BLOW THE WHOLE CONSPIRACY WIDE OPEN, PROVING ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, AND NO RUSSIA? TELL US MORE FORTHWITH!
(Also please note the timestamp on that tweet, which suggests President Lazy Ass took an extra long Executive Time in his bathrobe this morning.)
Here, have a BOMBSHELL report from Fox News:
Did you see the BOMBSHELL? No, we don’t mean the lady “Fox & Friends” idiot, though she is very pretty!
The BOMBSHELL is that Lisa Page sent a sext on September 2, 2016, which said, “potus wants to know everything we’re doing.” This is WHOA IF TRUE, because first of all, Barack Obama was president of America then, and how dare he want to know what’s going on with an FBI investigation? Fox News idiot Griff Jenkins explained to the idiot couch that the true BOMBSHELL here is that this means he was trying to interfere with the Hillary Clinton emails investigation!
Here are the sexts in question:
The intrepid journalists at Think Progress took a break from intrepid journalism-ing to pull out their calendars to see if the Hillary Clinton investigation was even going on that day in September and uh oh, whoops, it wasn’t. Wouldn’t it be bizarro if Obama was demanding briefings on FBI investigations that didn’t exist? Like come on, Bamz, where do you even get off?
Tell us about calendar facts, Think Progress:
FBI Director James Comey closed the Clinton email investigation on July 5, 2016. It was not reopened until October. The same trove of text messages released Tuesday reveals that the FBI did not even become aware of additional emails on Anthony Weiner’s laptop until September 28, 2016.
Oh. But maybe it was a secret meeting to reveal Obama’s secret plans to hide a bunch of new Hillary Clinton emails before the FBI found them, in the same place he hid his long form birth certificate!
OR MAYBE Obama, the president, wanted a briefing on an investigation Strzok and Page were ACTUALLY on at that time, the FBI investigation into Russian interference in the election, and the alarming ties multiple unrelated people and entities, including the FBI, the CIA, the NSA and foreign intelligence services, were finding between Donald Trump and the Russian government. JUST MAYBE IT WAS THAT?
As Think Progress notes, it was just a few days later that Bamz ran into that shithead Vladimir Putin at the G-20 and angrily told him to stop fucking with America’s election. A month later, the entire US intelligence community released a joint report that blamed Russia with 100 percent certainty for the election interference. Think Progress quotes former Justice Department spox Matthew Miller, who comments on how
BOMBSHELL normal it would have been for Bamz to request a briefing on the state of the investigation at that time:
“[S]ince the Russia investigation was a counterintelligence, not a criminal, investigation at that time, it was totally appropriate for Obama to be briefed,” Miller said. “The Department of Justice is allowed to brief and coordinate with the White House on national security matters, including terrorism and espionage.”
Of course, we mentioned that, on top of Fox News and Trump, GOP idiots are pushing this new conspiracy, and they are being led by Senator Ron Johnson, fresh off his last showstopping performance as the guy who lost his motherfucking marbles on Fox News about how there was a “secret society” in the FBI dedicated to taking down Trump (it was revealed in the sexts!!!!!!1!!), but then backtracked the very next day, because DOY DOY DOY DOY DOY, it was obvious those FBI agents, who were extramaritally boning each other, were joking. Johnson is clearly offended that liberals keep calling his pal Chuck Grassley the stupidest senator who ever lived. Hold Ron Johnson’s beer, Chuck Grassley!
Judd Legum reports on Twitter that this latest bullshit conspiracy theory, about how Barack Obama was president of the US and A one time, is invading all the fever swamps you can imagine. Dead Breitbart, Drudge, Ben Shapiro, all the other stupidest people on the internet. (Ooh, let’s look at actual Stupidest Person On The Internet Jim Hoft’s sassy little Tumblr blog and … hahahahaha AYUP.)
So there you go. Another made-up conspiracy theory intended to obstruct justice in the very real investigation into Trump and Russia! The fact that this one is somehow the stupidest conspiracy theory they’ve come up with to date won’t devalue it in the eyes of the average Hannity viewer, so don’t you worry about that.
At press time, ALLEGEDLY, Sean Hannity had already had to change his panties four times today, because of how this BOMBSHELL just landed in his panties.
Hannity’s show gonna be LIT tonight, y’all.
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