looks healthy to us

SAVE THE DATE, AMERICA, AND THAT DATE IS TODAY! We’ll have all your very important ShitHoleGate news this morning too, do not worry, but we wanted to remind you Donald Trump is having to give up some very important ZZZZZZZ Executive Time today, so that a doctor at Walter Reed may examine his meat folds and his shithole and find out if his cheeseburger-filled body is still capable of presidenting, or if it’s past its sell-by date. That’s right, he’s having a physical! And it better go well, because Trump, who is not at all insane, says the stock market will crash if the doctor’s report says his body is disgusting.

We don’t know why this is necessary, since Trump obviously has the most perfect body of all the bodies, as his “doctor” kept telling us during the campaign. Trump is the healthiest person ever to hold the Oval Office! Good thing we didn’t elect Hillary Clinton, because as we also learned during the campaign, Hillary is liable to stub her toe and die at any time.

GQ has a list of questions Americans would like answers to about Trump’s health, like for instance why does Trump’s doctor always reassure people that Trump’s up to date on his latest HIV tests? Does he bareback a lot with people what aren’t his wife, and just wants us all to know everything’s good with that?

Another question: Is the president fat?

Saved ya some time, Walter Reed!

The doctor, White House physician Ronny Jackson, will also check all the normal stuff like “does Trump have a heart” and “is his blood warm,” and also they will make him pee in a cup. (BETTER HOPE AIN’T NO RUSSIAN CAMERAS IN THE PEE PEE ROOM, DONALD!) And, since a 71-year-old man definitely needs to get his prostate checked, poor Dr. Jackson will likely have to fool around in and around the president’s very bad shithole.

They are unfortunately not examining his brain, because Trump says he has a very good brain and if Trump says he has a very good brain that means it’s not necessary for the doctor to interview his brain, much like how if Trump says NO COLLUSION, then there’s no reason for Robert Mueller to interview him. It’s a shame since, ever since Michael Wolff’s very mean book came out, the White House has been taking every opportunity to prove the president is not mentally ill and does not have dementia.

We all know how those outings have gone.

So we may NEVER KNOW whether the president’s brain is functioning correctly. LOL just kidding, we just checked Trump’s Twitter and we’re pretty sure dude’s lost his fuckin’ marbles.

Have fun getting your shithole checked, Donald!

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  • Indiepalin

    Trump’s Brain-Fat index is around 140 over 90

  • James Baskin

    Prostate exam?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Even if there is something wrong with him, he’ll lie about it anyway.

    • Asterix

      It’ll be weeks before the results are published but he’ll spend that time telling everyone he is the healthiest person who have ever lived. Believe me!

      • Bangkok Taxi

        Could be he has had his prostate removed.
        Probably has an inflate O dick, at this point.

    • jodyleek

      Especially if they diagnose him as a pathological liar.

  • dslindc

    Trump: “No shithole! No shithole! You are the shithole!”

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Goddammit Evan. I’m imagining Trumps prostate and I haven’t even had my morning caffeine.

  • (((Sedagive)))

    First the doctors will examine Mr. Trump’s shithole, followed by a rectal exam.

  • BadKitty904

    So, the most crucial part of the exam – his mental capabilities – is being cut because he says he’s not crazy. OK. I see.

  • Lamb Urgini
  • Donald would get a prognosis involving more years if he talked to Mueller instead of a doctor.

  • schmannity

    Liveblog or GTFO!

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      Nooooooooooooooooooooooo(x a brazilian)

  • BadKitty904
    • Bangkok Taxi

      Crap. I didn’t see this and reposted it.
      It still makes me smile.

      • BadKitty904

        Grape minds…

  • dslindc

    Sarah Huckabee “Poot Lips” Sanders later today: “The President is the healthiest person in America. He’s an adonis who will live to be 300 years old, easily! The doctor said he had never seen someone so healthy!”

  • Asterix

    I saw on the twitters there’s no press briefing today… it was scheduled and then cancelled. I wonder why?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    When I see that picture, the term “bloated sack” comes to mind.

  • Me not sure

    I ‘m pretty sure that if it’s in Africa it’s pronounciated “Shee-toll-lay”.

  • schmannity

    Is all the sniffle powder out of his system yet?

  • Nasty Woman Persisted
    • The Wanderer

      I guess that’s why they call it the blues.

  • Bananas Foster

    I’m wondering what exact phrasing Trump will use to blame Obama for his high cholesterol.

    Oh, right, deep state Navy doctors.

    Because the military that Obama despised and the Democrats are trying to ruin is totally in the bag for the deep state…

    Oh, wait…

    • schmannity

      It’s hard to follow the truth on the merry go round of lies.

  • La forza del resistino

    the cardiac exam showed no existence of a heart.

  • Scooby

    Can you get a golf cart on an elevator?

    • Nounverb911

      On Mitt’s garage elevator? Yes!

  • Chyron HR

    “I have the best health, believe me. The fake news media says I never exercise, but I get up 5 times a night to pee, that’s how much exercise I am.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Well ,they do call those the wee hours of the night…

  • coozledad

    From Vlad Putin’s ass I fell into the State,
    And put stuff in my belly till my waistband blew
    Six miles from earth, loosed from its gravity,
    I woke to black folk on my television
    When I died they washed me out of DC with a hose.

    • Shithole_Normegian_MΩment

      Lit class shout out!

    • The Wanderer

      “The Turret Ball Gunner.”

  • Oblios_Cap

    Make sure to stick your hands in the freezer before performing the prostate test Dr. Jackson.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      There’s an image for ya,
      “AAAAH! Jesus doc! Did you have those giant fingers in the freezer?”
      “Just doing to you what you’ve been doing to the United States Mr. Predisent.”

    • Bananas Foster

      And boiling bleach afterwards.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Can we put him on the disabled list and call up a president from the minors?

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      What if it was (gasp) a Dominican player?!

      • Oblios_Cap


      • PubOption

        He would likely have only a short stop at the White House.

        • Martini A, very stable genius

          Woah, that came out of left field.

      • Oblios_Cap

        It would depend on whether he was a pitcher or a catcher.

    • Asterix

      Hm. Pence. He can at least pretend to be Presidential and not show his blind hatred of people of color, LBGTQ, women, non xtians… not much of an improvement.

      • Oona

        Oh it shows.

    • Shithole_Normegian_MΩment

      Injured, Don’t Reserve.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Jeff Flake’s all “oooh, me, me, pick me! I’m principled!”

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Romney’s all “Step aside, son – have you seen my hair?”

  • La forza del resistino

    His cranial MRI looked a lot like moldy Swiss cheese.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Maggoty cauliflower.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Oblios_Cap

      The press will continue to pretend this is all normal behavior.

  • Bill D. Burger

    [REMINDER: Doctors Examining Trump’s Shithole Today At Walter Reed]

    …and in addition to his oral exam….

  • Martini A, very stable genius

    I expect they’ll be checking his remaining battery life as well. Because that’s a thing now.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I think it’s in the “low battery level” status right now.

    • FlownΩver

      Heh heh heh… “Coppertop.”

  • Crystalclear12

    No need examine his head because it may damage the vacuum in his skull.

  • Nounverb911

    For some reason I actually slept 8 hours straight last night and now I’m exhausted, however, the snarktionary managed to wake up early….

    • Asterix

      That made my morning. I re-tweeted and liked it immediately and I wish I could do it a 1000 times more!

      • Nounverb911

        Get your Wonkettish bots to do it for you.

        • Asterix

          Alas, I have no bots.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            And you call yourself a libtard.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      New spelling for a genius executive: reprehensibile…

  • msanthropesmr

    How will the doctors know which end is which?

    • Nounverb911

      Why? Are they doing a colonoscopy without anesthetic?

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Upper GI endoscope meets colonoscope: “Looks like a McDonald’s dumpster in here!”

        • Hobbes’ like, smart Evil Twin

          ewww. just. ewwww.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      My mom’s friend had a shih tzu groomed in the traditional manner. Same exact problem.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Shithole_Normegian_MΩment

      Misspelled Normay.

  • La forza del resistino

    There is a strong possibility some of the attending physicians/clinicians will be from Africa and Asia.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I’m hoping his proctologist is Haitian.

  • ManchuCandidate

    The docs X rayed Trump’s head and found nothing.

  • DrBigHead

    What are the chances that the results are made public? I say 0%

    • Blackest Noobs

      ooooooh they’ll be made public, it’s just all the info will be fabricated and hyperbole.

      • DrBigHead

        So you think they are going to list his weight as a trim 180?

        • Blackest Noobs

          a trim 220….220 is the new 180

          • Blackest Noobs

            though funny i’m about 200lbs myself but if you saw me, you wouldn’t think fat, you would think, oh shit i think that guy probably could crush my larynx with his pinkie finger.

            it’s all relative…but as for Trump, oh yeah, that’s no beefcake by any means.

          • Oblios_Cap

            Me, too, except I do have a beer belly. I just don’t care.

          • Blackest Noobs

            im basically a more ethnicy looking Wolverine, short and solid as a rock, especially if i let my hair grow out, it gets kinda wolfy looking.

            i might be part labrador though.

          • Erala Contratista

            Check for webbed toes.

          • Blackest Noobs

            i have a dewclaw.

          • Gayer Than Thou

            This is news I can use.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Or at least a multiple of it.

      • Christian O’Bummer

        He’s gained weight, so expect to see his reported height increasing some more. By the time he leaves office they’ll be saying he’s thirteen feet tall–gotta keep that BMI from teetering into “obese”

    • RMKH

      You mean the REAL results? I think we’ll get something that will contain as much truth as all the other statements coming from the WH.

  • Nounverb911
    • Martini A, very stable genius

      Probably accurate, but disturbing

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Who the fuck wears a monogrammed shirt with their own name on it, other than a kindergartner? Seriously, who does this?

    • Nounverb911

      Check out the “Preppy Handbook”.

      • coozledad

        I remember the shitheads who got caught up in that marketing. Ugh.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      *changes wardrobe plans for the day*

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        To be fair, Gayer Than Thou is not a name, it’s a declaration!

        • Gayer Than Thou

          It’s a dare, really.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I don’t think Donnie wears enough clothing with his name on it. Is he worried that he might forget who he is?

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Oblios_Cap

      Say – Didn’t Donnie’s ancestors emigrate after getting kicked out of their own country? Hardly the best sort of people now, were they?

      • Bill D. Burger
        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          Wow!…so his father being a KKK member wasn’t the worst, after all?…

          • Gayer Than Thou

            It’s an illustrious American family. Ken Burns is working on the multi-part documentary for PBS.

          • FlownΩver

            Sadly, we won’t get to hear the irony of Garrison Keillor delivering the “I know words. I have the best words” line.

        • The Wanderer

          Gramps had better hair too.

      • Rooster Cogburn105

        Papa Drumph got kicked out of Kaiser Bill’s Germany before World War 2 for being useless

        Kind of like getting blackballed by the Berdoo Chapter of Hell’s Angels for BO

  • Relativicus

    I think we’ll learn that the president has gained six inches in height, and is now determined to be an ectomorph.

  • RMKH

    Oh, sorry, we’re all out of KY jelly…

  • Shithole_Normegian_MΩment
  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    I hope his doctor, at least, has big hands…

    • Celtic_Gnome

      My doctor’s a woman. Small hands.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • TootsStansbury


    • A Groucho Marxist

      This may be the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been on the internet for a long time.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Looks sort of like the failed suicide from Preacher…

  • msanthropesmr

    Draw a clock, Donald. Do it.

    Obama made a terrible clock. Hillary is saying that she makes a great clock. Better than yours. Draw a clock.

  • Nounverb911
  • alwayspunkindrublic

    “He’s stuck fast in the porthole of the MRI tunnel! I told you we needed to use the XXXL machine!”

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Oblios_Cap

      And that’s pretty spot on.

  • The Wanderer

    SEAGOON: Shhh! Listen Moriarty!
    MORIARTY: What?
    SEAGOON: There’s someone hiding inside you.
    MORIARTY: What! It must be a Cambridge spy.
    SEAGOON: Yes. Say ‘ahh’.
    MORIARTY: Ahhhhhhhh!
    SEAGOON: (Reverb) Anyone down there? I’d better go down and see.
    MORIARTY: Under you go.

    FX: Footsteps down wooden stairs.

    SEAGOON: (Singing) Dum dum dum dum dee dee…

    GRAMS: Distant bubbling of cauldron.

    SEAGOON: So that’s what he had for breakfast. Hm. I’d better go further down.
    WILLUM: It’s quicker in the lift, mate.
    SEAGOON: Right.

    GRAMS: Ancient lift, doors close, hiss of machinery.

    WILLUM: Going down. Fourth floor – adam’s apple, tonsils and that wobbly bit at the back. What floor d’you want mate?
    SEAGOON: Bottom.
    WILLUM: Oh. Bottom floor. Liver, giblets and a dirty great lump of suet pudding.
    SEAGOON: Thank you. By the way, where’s the nearest exit?
    WILLUM: There.
    SEAGOON: Ah, an ear’ole. And there’s an eye looking in!
    WILLUM: What’s the matter, don’t you trust us mate?

    GRAMS: Cauldron bubbles.

    SEAGOON: Gad! Soaked! Moriarty – you filthy swine, stop drinking tea up there.

  • Gosala

    Don’t know if this is true, but I’m told that the staff at Auschwitz referred to the place as “anus mundi” not simply because it was a crappy place but also because it was the place where they expunged the shit of the world.

    Was the shit gibbon’s shitty shithole remark a dog whistle?

    • Darlene Underdahl

      “Trump’s racism isn’t incidental to his political appeal. It’s the core of it.” White grievance. They can deny it all they want but it’s always there.

  • Shieldmaidenwannabe

    Thanks, Evan, “his meat folds” will be burned into my brain for the rest of time. It is a very good brain.

  • beatbort

    Doctor, peering into Trump’s rectum: “Damn….I can’t see much of anything….there appears to be massive obstruction…”
    Trump: Oh, that’s nothing. That’s just Sean Hannity’s head.

  • Whatever that doctor is getting paid, he needs to get hazard pay for being forced to see the Don naked.

    • Nounverb911

      He’s an admiral, so combat pay.

  • Edith Prickly, Stable Genius

    Well, I won’t be eating lunch today…

  • folderol

    I’m pretty sure they’re gonna find a McDonald’s franchise in there.

    • james crubb

      One with a lot of rats in it, all looking for a way out.

  • Proud Liberal

    Is he up to date on his rabies shots?

    • Ghenghis McCann

      So that’s why he’s not going to London, he’d be quarantined on arrival.

      • Proud Liberal

        They are particularly adverse to shitholes like DT.

  • TootsStansbury

    Does Tr*mp still have bone spurs or are those shitheels? Is he a shithead? He shitposts on the Twitters a lot. Will he complain at Wonkette and end up in deleted comments “Dear Shit for Brains”?

  • Major^3 Andre

    Here’s hoping the doc runs out of lube and has to breech Donny’s breeches dry.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    A man his age should have colonoscopies on the regular. I think he should totally do this because I want him to suffer through not eating McDonald’s for a whole fucking day, chugging Miralax/Gatorade and then running for the crapper every 20 minutes.

    • Proud Liberal

      Wait. He doesn’t already do that after eating the cheeseburgers?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I think he already spends half of his day on the toilet.

    • kareemachan

      You *really* think he gave up his McD’s?

  • Oblios_Cap
  • Ωbjectifier

    I sure hope that poor Navy doc is getting H-pay today.

    • Shithole_Normegian_MΩment

      S/he will need a lot of Preparation.

    • Bangkok Taxi

      They have really good bio hazard suits.

    • Opiwan

      And is in his Level 4 MOPP gear

  • The Very Stable Librarian

    The doctor will discover what we already know: ice water in Trump’s veins and cobwebs where his brain should be.

  • jesuswasablack
  • Bill D. Burger

    …but in the colorectal portion of The Fucking Moron’s exam, the Doctors found enormous mounds of evidence of collusion….

    • Proud Liberal

      Of course the American people aren’t entitled to the truth about this man’s failing health.

    • Kakkeltje

      Sorry, but I don’t believe this.
      No way he has friends.

      • Bill D. Burger

        Prolly’ a generous euphemism for Ivanka.

  • LiberalANDProud

    “Cough” – the Doc
    “You sound sick. I’m the healthiest person every to be President. Is your doctor black?” – President Jackass

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Proud Liberal

      Ugh. That man is disgusting.

    • jesuswasablack
      • FlemmishSpy

        A bad angle for all of us.

      • puredog

        Like the granny panties. Has Donnie never heard of a VPL? (Unlikely.)

        • Maggielle

          Actually, the VPL mitigates the horror a little. At least there are panties.

          And it just occurred to me: someone has to wash his clothes. The horror returns.

      • lroom

        His diaper is showing.

      • BehaveYrself

        Another example of wearing that shitty-ous too-tight S&M gold watch to help him with all his winning. I wonder if he wears his pajamas inside out so school is cancelled due to snow.

        • james crubb

          He wears it tight like that so when he slams the gecko the numbness feels like somebody else doin it.

  • Michael R

    According to M Scott Peck an evil person:

    Is consistently self-deceiving, with the intent of avoiding guilt and maintaining a self-image of perfection

    Deceives others as a consequence of their own self-deception

    Projects his or her evils and sins onto very specific targets (scapegoats) while being apparently normal with everyone else

    Commonly hates with the pretense of love, for the purposes of self-deception as much as deception of others

    Abuses political (emotional) power

    Maintains a high level of respectability, and lies incessantly in order to do so

    Is consistent in his or her sins. Evil persons are characterized not so much by the magnitude of their sins, but by their consistency (of destructiveness)

    Is unable to think from the viewpoint of their victim (scapegoat)

    Has a covert intolerance to criticism and other forms of narcissistic injury

    Most evil people realize the evil deep within themselves but are unable to tolerate the pain of introspection, or admit to themselves that they are evil. Thus, they constantly run away from their evil by putting themselves in a position of moral superiority and putting the focus of evil on others. Evil is an extreme form of what Scott Peck, in The Road Less Traveled, calls a character and personality disorder
    ( his thoughts on evil were mostly explored in
    People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil ( 1983 )

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I got seven of those – I believe that makes me Miranda from Sex in the City.

    • BearGHAZI

      People of the Lie was interesting, but the last chapter was christian exorcism nonsense and it completely threw me

      • Michael R

        Agreed 100% , Road Less Traveled was the better book , but you can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater , I’m sure someone has written better books on narcissism etc since then .

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    “Who the fuck left this disgusting sack of shit in my examination room? Oh geez, sorry there, Mr. President, I….”

  • gnomemansanisland

    Trump’s collusionoscopy will be performed by a team from Robert Mueller’s office at a later date.

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    If Donnie farts, the doc should put in for a Purple Heart.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Need a new and better medal for that: The Purple Fart.

      • Shithole_Normegian_MΩment

        Or, to borrow Brit slang, the Trump.

  • Bill D. Burger

    The logical choice for the brain scan has rendered his diagnosis:

  • Bill D. Burger
  • jesuswasablack

    You know what they pulled out out of his shithole the last time they did the colon probe?

    • texcynical

      He’ll just probe around until he finds a disgusting, puckered shit-smelling hole. Oh wait ….

    • I was expecting Eric.

  • Michael R
  • natoslug

    How’s the poor doc going to know which end to check for the prostate?

  • Bangkok Taxi

    Evan,,,, may we have a picture of Lula, in sad glance mode?

    I find the enclosed picture makes me cheerful.
    Maybe others will also.

  • natoslug

    Hopefully there’s not too much blood in his cholesterol.

  • middleclassman1

    They could do his brain exam at the same time as his prostrate exam.

  • Bruce P.

    Paging Dr. Jellyfinger!

  • RickyG

    The President’s Analyst

    • Joe T.

      He needs a combination Analyst and Therapist—an Analrapist, if you please.

      • RickyG

        With votes?

    • alpacapunchbowl

      I might have to rewatch that this weekend.

      • RickyG

        It’s a good one. And it has Our Man Flint innit!

        • alpacapunchbowl

          Love James Coburn!

      • JustDon’tSayShithole

        Was that the one with “total. sound.” or something like that? Line delivered by the guy from Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (I looked it up: David Hedison)

        …huh. IMDB doesn’t mention it. I must have the wrong guy…

        • alpacapunchbowl

          Not sure, it’s been YEARS since I saw it.

  • azeyote

    well he’s probably fit to be his role model – Ronald McDonald –

  • spangled

    they’re not actually going to release the findings right? I know that’s standard, but I can’t imagine he would let that happen.

  • La forza del resistino

    After examining Donald, the green carded proctologist from Nigeria declared, What an Asshole.

  • Moldy Weißwurst

    The doctors will recommend a procedure which was common in the middle ages: a total and complete purge, as they’ll discover he’s full of shit.

    • bupkus231

      They won’t recommend that, lest their patient disappear entirely…

      • Marion in Savannah

        And this would be a problem, how?

        • bupkus231

          The doctors would get blamed…

          • Maggielle

            Ugh. Doctors. Purges. Stalin. I just got the chills and/or the wiggins.

      • Moldy Weißwurst

        The real problem is it would overwhelm the sewage disposal/treatment plants that serve D.C., Baltimore and perhaps even as far south as Richmond. The EPA would have to declare those treatment facilities as Superfund sites.

        • wavicles

          Preznit Fatberg

        • alpacapunchbowl

          Why do you think they’re dismantling the EPA, hmmmm?
          No EPA, no superfund site!

          • Moldy Weißwurst

            Oh yeah. I forgot all about Scott Pruitt. Well, I guess D.C., Baltimore and Richmond are fucked if tRump gets a purge.

    • AJ Milne

      Give that man an enema, you can send him home in a matchbox.

      (H/T Hitchens re Falwell, adapted.)

  • Wookie Monster

    We’ll know that the results are terrible when Trump refuses to release them.

  • William

    The healthiest president ever, believe me. So many people say that I’m the fittest president in history. This I can tell you.

  • Joe T.

    Wait—you write, “Doctors Examining Trump’s Shithole …” and “They are unfortunately not examining his brain …“.

    C’mon now—Trump’s Shithole/Trump’s Brain—aren’t they the same thing?

  • wide_stance_hubby

    I feel so bad, you guys. What if it turns out he has Stage 4 Covfefe??/?/?/?>.

  • Jennaratrix

    I hope Dr. Jackson is getting hazard pay.

    • SDGeoff3

      Cocktail hour at his home should be fun tonight.

      • Jennaratrix

        I’ll be pretty impressed if cocktail hour wasn’t 0800.

  • Doug Langley

    “Hey! Are you a real doctor?”
    “Of course, Mr President. My degree’s from the University of Haiti, a most prestigious – uh, what’s wrong?”

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    Lordy, I hope there are tapes.

  • Beelzebubba

    Too bad there’s no good way to disguise a cattle prod as a colonoscope.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      Would he know the difference?

      • Like Really Smart Radio

        Only one way to find out!

  • Shibusa
  • Maggielle

    Won’t he just refuse any test that he doesn’t want to undergo? I mean, I have to check out this annual exam thing and see if it’s just a sensible tradition, or if it’s, I don’t know, part of the implicit contract of becoming president. Why wouldn’t he just refuse to get his butt probed? And is it even mandatory that the results get released? I think this day will not be as interesting as I hoped it would be.

  • FlownΩver

    “According to my careful prosthesis, this man has… The Plague!”

  • Tracy

    It would be nice if Dr. Jackson brings in Shaquille O’Neal for the prostate exam. Shaq’s finger is too good for Trump’s shithole, though.

    • Like Really Smart Radio

      Or Shaq’s foot?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    They’re gonna stick a needle in his arm and draw some gravy.

  • Notreelyhelping

    “A cursory examination of the president’s colon indicates he’s full of shit.”

  • Brian Loudermilch

    The Doctors thought they found a 287 pound cancerous Tumor.
    A thorough examination by experienced Oncologists confirmed that it
    was just the President.

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      It’s not benign! Prep for surgery, stat!

  • James

    Trump cancelled his press conference this afternoon. Coward.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      Did he reschedule it to about two weeks from now?

      • James

        I don’t know. He just said it was canceled due to weather. I’m guessing heavy seas and thunderstorms in the Brady Press Room today.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Dammit, I should know not to read posts by Evan just before lunch.

  • Poly_Ester

    Did he die of excitement during the prostate exam?

    • BreakingDeadMen

      To paraphrase Woody Hayes, three inches and a cloud of dust

      • Poly_Ester

        3″ and a fart!

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Too bad Trump’s doctor that is giving him his colorectal exam today is not Haitian-American . Because he could say, “If you want to see a nasty shithole, I know where you can find one right here”.

  • cosmicjunkbot

    I don’t think they’re releasing the results. His blood tests probably reveal KFC’s secret recipe formula and that’s a trade secret or something.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Wonder how long it’s been since Trump’s been to a doctor? He doesn’t strike me as the type who goes regularly, and the whole fiasco with Doctor Feelgood suggests he’d rather not have people (even doctors) know anything about his health.

    • Beautiful Soup

      There is No Way he’s ever had a colonoscopy.

      • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

        He looks around while his head is up there.

      • SKruetheratbassedarDs

        ^Hannity would sue for trespass.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Put this somewhere else, but maybe this is the correct thread:

    • Vacuous Virgina

      One of my oft-quoted Zappa songs! It’s NEVER an incorrect thread 😎😎😎

    • Lordpnut

      Word on the street is they had the best shit in town.

  • Notreelyhelping
  • Hazel Blumberg

    So, which shithole will the docs be examining: the one up top or the one down at the bottom? Results will probably be the same.

  • Khavrinen

    “BAD NEWS, AMERICA: They’re not checking his brain.”

    But your title says they’re checking his shithole….

  • JParkerSD46

    Hopefully, the good Dr. Jackson has access to the very latest in prostate exam tools which he can use during the examination. Looks state-of-the-art, no?

  • gratuitous

    Notice how for all the mealy-mouthed support Republicans are voicing for Trump, not one of them has said, “The President would never use language like that!” So, you know, small sliver of a scintilla of a silver lining.

  • JeanieBeanie

    Walter Reed has a psych ward don’t they? Lock him up!

  • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

    When Trump does pass and if he’s creamated, his body will burn like a tire fire, from all the fat. Schedule at least a week.

    • Can you imagine the toxic emissions from that furnace? The EPA would shut them down in 10 minutes, if that still exists.

  • Khaleesisdoormat

    They wanted to test his brain but found that the technology to find it isn’t yet available.

    • They did test it. Nothing was found.

  • SKruetheratbassedarDs

    Firehose colonoscope, anyone?

  • Hiss

    Announcement from doc: Trump in excellent health. What do you want to bet the doc leaves the country over the weekend? Permanently?

  • andyshelt

    “Doctors Examining Trump’s Shithole Today At Walter Reed”

    “BAD NEWS, AMERICA: They’re not checking his brain.”

    OK, Evan. I’m confused. Which one is it?

    Isn’t President Shit-fer-brains shithole where what passes for his brain is located as he talks out of his ass all the time?

  • Kathy Wickham Kasavage

    LOL!! You had me at “Bless your heart.”

  • guest

    Trump was said to be in excellent health by his MILITARY PHYSICIAN who was probably ordered to give him a clean bill of health. Only in an alternative universe will a practitioner of the medical sciences tells us a 71
    yr old man who is at least 50 lbs overweight, visibly bloated, terrible skin, yellow eyes subsisting on a diet of
    McDonalds, KFC and diet coke at a 12 pack a day and can’t walk a 9 hole
    round of golf, is in excellent health.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      Are we sure it wasn’t actually Dr Nick? He did misspell his own name on the letter.

      • guest

        No one knows as the WH is releasing information. All one has to do is look at Trump to see that man is not in excellent health. Even for a 71 year old.

  • Paging Dr. Ziglar…

    Come to the examination room STAT.

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    I suppose they didn’t scan him for cats.

  • Maybe

    Are they going to examine both his shitholes or just the one halfway down?

    More shit comes out of his mouth than anywhere else.

  • wass_up

    However doctors did discover Trump has a leaking colon condition and are treating him by packing both ears with toilet paper.

  • Jacob DiCiaula

    Asking for the internet’s opinion: when spouse and I got married, I was still active duty in Alaska. Spouse had a business meeting with an attorney we both knew pretty well. She didn’t mention we were married. I was hurt. She thinks I’m wrong, but did end up putting a wedding announcement in the local paper.

    So, question to you… are you obliged to mention you got married if the other person knows your spouse?

    • stablegeniusahughes798

      The ring on the finger should pretty much tell the tale, dude. Why so insecure? She married you, didn’t she?

    • keinsignal

      Did you mean to post this here? I’m not sure an infinitely dense nexus of cynicism and snarkinessWonkette is the first place I’d go for advice on relationship etiquette.

      Anyway in my own worthless opinion: If by “obliged” you mean “obligated”, then no. If you mean it more in a sense of an act of courtesy, then – well yeah but it depends. Context matters – maybe it seemed inopportune to bring it up during a business discussion.

  • Rick Gardner

    That’s a very clever doctor, telling him his health is excellent, “Eat all the BMs you want, golf carting is an excellent exercise, have 3 scoops, not 2…we’ve upgraded you to 6’22” so 400 lbs is actually quite slim.”

    • “Hey everyone! Guess what? Doc says I’m now 6-22”

      [Everybody nods and fake smiles]

      • Vacuous Virgina

        Now they’re taking him to get tutored 😂😂😂

  • Vacuous Virgina

    The dress makes him look fat 😂😂😂

  • grayone

    So the verdict is in from the doc: Trump is in good physical health!

    Personally, I’m very pleased about this. I want him to stay in good health for a long time….so that he can spend many, many years in his jail cell following his convictions for money laundering Russian mob money.

    • Hiss

      I’m waiting for the leak from the poorly paid hospital employee (hint: they all are) with the real results.

      • NationalGalleryofClipArt

        Adam Schefter, come quick. We need you.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      As I read, its not just “good health” but “excellent health”. In fact Lil’Donnie is in such excellent health, that his health caused the doctor to change the spelling of his own name. That’s just how impressive Trump is.

  • Athaic

    Dr Jen Gunther, over at her blog, has written her professional opinion about the incoming presidential medical exam’. She is also recapping her comments about the pre-election exam’. And the Dr Oz’ faux-exam.
    Shorter version: she isn’t impressed with either.
    Money quote: “Trump will only release what he wants released. Anything we don’t already know will only be released if it is flattering.”
    IOW, same deal as the tax returns.

  • stablegeniusahughes798

    Oh, so he’s going to the dentist?

  • Jo Mathie

    I’m interested as to what this will end up with. Trump is obviously obese, does no exercise aside from golf which is wandering around with a stick (yeah it takes skill but it’s not exactly the most taxing physically). It’s a shame they aren’t required to do a mental evaluation, if you look at how he spoke ten years ago his vocabulary has diminished so much as his tendency to repeat the same things again and again has risen. My Grand-dad had dementia and it’s eerie watching how similar his behavior is to Trump’s.

    • Donna Mueller

      der fuhrer ist geflurgen!!!! sieg heil!!!!!!!!!! just like all the other garbage that comes out of the white house nowadays.

  • dmyron

    The published results will be an exercise in obfuscation…….

  • susan_g

    “The president is in excellent health.” –Dr. Ronnie Jackson MD, Walter Reid Hospital

  • Delu

    REMINDER: Doctors Examining Trump’s Shithole Today At Walter Reed

    Fixed title.

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