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How much do we love you, Wonkers? Well, yesterday we read that idiotic complaint by Google douche James Damore. And today we waded through the legal stylings of Chuck C. Johnson and Milo Yiannopoulos. So, a lot! Get psyched for another round of whinyass whiteboy weeping, because there’s nobody so oppressed as these poor, censored conservatives.

Chuck C. Johnson v. Twitter

In Chuck C. Johnson’s considered opinion, Chuck C. Johnson was banned from Twitter because he is a principled conservative. It had nothing to do with him doxxing a sexual assault victim, faking multiple stories about sitting senators, and being an amazing racist. And it was totally unrelated to his using the platform to solicit money to “take out” Black Lives Matter activist Deray Mckesson.

Twitter may be awash with Nazis, gaybashers, rape apologists and fake news. But Chuck C. Johnson is a victim of a POLITICAL HIT JOB.

As internal emails disclosed, the ban was permanent, not temporary; admittedly not due to any “direct” violation of any Twitter rule; but was just a “policy” decision, e.g. a political hit job on a politically disfavored individual who had outed the bad conduct of a friend of the owner of Twitter. In another twist of irony, the original source of this ban concerned the Plaintiff exposing the criminal-assisting, riot-inducing, violence-welcoming conduct of a political fraud, yet it was the Plaintiff who was publicly accused in its stead, in order to cover for Twitter’s intention to use the exclusion of the Plaintiff from Twitter and the destruction of the equity he built for his businesses, as a model to target and discriminate against other political adversaries of the Twitter owner, and their political bedfellows.

Also, too, Johnson’s First Amendment rights are being trampled because he no longer has Twitter as a forum to spout his racist, bullshit lies. SAD! You may be wondering how a corporation can violate Johnson’s free speech rights. Isn’t that asshole still out there flogging his conspiracy theories and publishing pictures of black murder victims? SURE IS. Is he eating from a dumpster now that he can’t use the Tweeters for his sweetsweet grift muneez? NOPE. But if you look closer you’ll see that Johnson is really the victim here. Twitter has violated his civil rights by changing its terms of service! It illegally interfered with his business by cutting him off from his clients. They must henceforth and forthwith restore his account and pay him all the money!

Or maybe that’s all nonsense, and he’ll get laughed out of court. But either way, it’s cool. As Johnson told Buzzfeed,

You can lose a lawsuit and still win the argument.

To which we say, DON’T BE SILLY, CHUCKLES! YOU CAN LOSE BOTH!

LOLOLOL, Milo Gonna Be His Own Lawyer Now

Remember when Milo made that har-har-hilarious joke about pedophilia and suddenly Simon & Schuster realized he was a bad hombre who did not deserve a book deal? Screw S&S for doing business with that nasty little maniac in the first place, although we did appreciate those leaked edits.

Zing! But we digress.

Yiannopoulos sued S&S in New York for yanking his deal. But this week, his lawyers withdrew from the case, citing “a breakdown in the relationship.”

 Usually, this means that the client wants to do something colossally stupid, and the lawyer won’t go along with it. But Milo has a different explanation.

HUH. Okay, for the moment let’s just accept this as true — it’s not outside the realm of possibility. Let’s say that there really are internal S&S documents being entered into the record which the Court won’t allow Milo to see. Did he threaten to publish them online? Did the Court determine he was likely to doxx S&S employees, or summon his Gamergate buddies for a campaign of harassment? Milo may be banned from Twitter (he should join Chuckles in his lawsuit!), but he sure knows how to call in a trollstorm. And if so, what in the world makes him think the court will just let him see these documents if he fires his lawyers? You’re entitled to represent yourself pro se, but it doesn’t magically turn you into an officer of the court.

Also, too, what kind of fucking fool represents himself in a complicated contract lawsuit?

Nevermind. Knock yourself out, ya stupid bastard. You were going to lose anyway.

Okay, enough with this shit! We have real, important cases to talk about today. Grab an extra coffee, because there are Lawsplainers coming. Get psyched, Nerds!

Follow your FDF on Twitter before she gets banned like a common troll!

Wonkette salaries, servers, and splainers are funded 100% by good people like you! Clickety Click!

[Johnson v. Twitter / Buzzfeed / Buzzfeed, again]

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  • Nounverb911

    Is this a new Wonkette feature. “The Daily DOUCHE”?

  • Blackest Noobs

    With white people like this, who needs Russians?

  • Nounverb911
    • arglebargle

      smashing!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Milo who?

  • Michael Smith

    Milo probably thinks he can get up in court and hurl his usual blend of lies, personal attacks and shock jock tactics, and that this will persuade a judge to give him whatever he wants.

    Well, if he appears before one of Trump’s new federal judges, he may be right.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      The voir dire should be highly amusing. “Juror number 25, exactly how big is your dick, and are you circumcised?”

      • Katamount

        “Juror 23, what is your opinion of fabulous gay conservatives…?”

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    This makes me happy.

  • ManchuCandidate

    A non lawyer who represents himself in court has a fool for a client.

    I fully expect a lot of “You can’t handle the truth”, “sidebar” or “I am an US Amercian and I HAVE RIGHTS!!!” posturing.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Screaming OBJECTION any time he hears something he doesn;t like.

      • Nounverb911

        So a constant cry then?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Not an American citizen. No rights.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Social Justice Warriors? Huh. All this time I thought Chuckie and Milo were Single Jewish Women.

    • AJ Milne

      Pretty sure _that_ would be one hella violation of the Tinder TOS.

  • anon_the_great

    A good lawyer protects their client. Yappos should have listened to his.

  • Martini A, very stable genius

    If the courts enforced more fines on filing frivolous lawsuits, idiots like these two might not be so emboldened.

    • ManchuCandidate

      Only a hot coffee spill and 3rd degree burns on your privates away.

  • arglebargle

    I bet John Dowd and Ty Cobb will be looking for work soon.

  • SadDemInTex

    I feel dirty and I didn’t have to think about these two shitgibbons in depth. I hope there was a decontamination chamber handy for $5Fem!

  • jodyleek

    Why does Chuckie Cheese Johnson employ a grimace that looks as if he has several tiny turds embedded in his mustache?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      He does. Of course, they’re not his turds.

  • The Very Stable Librarian

    Barfing your ugliness on Twitter is not a 1st Amendment right. Chuckles the Clown can spew his bile via email or blog if he needs to communicate with “clients”.

  • schmannity

    Twitter won’t let me wear my asshat!

  • OrG Unstable Genius

    Hey chuckie, even if all of your complaints are true (they’re not) tough shit. Because free-market bitch.

  • rocktonsam

    Milo will be a fabulous attorney , so far he has conjecture and hearsay thanks to his associate Lionel Hutz .

  • Ruhe

    I love the lawsplaining.

  • Asterix

    When will these whiny assholes disappear?

    • jodyleek

      When the Republican party puts its pants back on. I’m not holding out a lot of hope.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I look forward to revealing Simon & Schuster’s perfidy in court.

    Oh please, I am calling such bullshit. Anybody who relies on making endless black dick jokes can’t possibly know what “perfidy” means, let alone how to spell it or use it correctly in a sentence.

  • Oblios_Cap

    https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/paula-white-first-fruits_us_5a544603e4b01e1a4b18d2f0?ncid=edlinkushpmg00000313

    I’ve sent mine directly to The Big Guy along with my thoughts and prayers. Just cutting out the middleperson, as it were.

    • Asterix

      I wish these “preachers” would be investigated for fraud – but it never happens.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        They were the first to recognise the usefulness of having legions of brain-dead followers who would swarm any entity that dared to question their activities.

    • Arolpin

      I mentioned my account number in a prayer, I’m sure Dog heard it since he’s omnipotent (but then why did he need me to mention it in a prayer?) and he can just take it out himself. As soon as he does so I’ll understand and hopefully will be showered with blessings (and not like a common Drumpf watersports enthusiast).

  • elviouslyqueer

    One more time with feeling, Chuckles. Actions Have Consequences.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Please see Comment[A406]

  • Oblios_Cap
    • Ghenghis McCann

      If these people were close personal acquaintances of mine, I might be interested. But I haven’t got a clue as to who they are.

      • Oblios_Cap

        race car driver and a sportsballer.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          My level of interest has dropped even further.

        • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

          Retired race car driver. She might do the Indy 500 one more time, but she’s done as a full-time wheel jockey. But she drives clicks from the dudebros who hate her, so here we go…

          • Ghenghis McCann

            If they hate her, they must have gone batshit crazy when Saudi Arabia allowed women to drive.

          • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

            She’s not a bad driver – she was pretty good in open-wheel cars. She was not a good NASCAR driver. And they love to point out that the only race she won at the top level was a “fuel mileage” win (as if Mario Andretti, A.J. Foyt or Dale Earnhardt never won because they conserved their gas while everyone else’s tank ran dry).

        • BearLeft

          https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/16f4cfd6d886bc04d7da7adf769c89e78e6b82d3d894cb23105a7d86cde9b58b.png
          … with a tip o’ the hat to whoever posted this previously among my favorite Wonkomments.

      • cmd resistor

        I know, when I skim the headlines and see stuff like, so and so is dating so and so, so and so is getting a divorce, I don’t even know who they are talking about, much less care.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Well, I do check the obits in the morning paper to see who I beat, whether I know them or not.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        While waiting in line at the grocery store, I boredly skim the covers of the celeb magazines. A is mad at B. C’s gaining weight. D and E were seen together somewhere. All first names. Who are these people? Why does any of this matter? And why does Opera’s spell-checker recognise ‘celeb’ but not ‘boredly’?

        • Ghenghis McCann

          I once saw a woman buy four of those magazines at the same time. Why? She probably read in one that Y was splitting from Z, and in the next one that Y and Z were totally loved up and planning on getting married.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            I worked with a woman who gave up the tabloids one year for Lent. Almost killed her.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Seriously, who gives a goddamned fuckin fuck?

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        Too many people.
        Way, WAY too many people.

    • mardam422

      So, when they are doing the nasty, I assume Danica finishes last?
      I’ll be here all week, folks.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I like the use of the term “power couple” in the lede. I guess that’s MSN’s way of tricking people into believing this trivial gossip is newsworthy.

  • AJ Milne

    Fool for client/Lincoln/obligatory.

  • ariel_gee_398

    I’m getting real sick of these motherfucking snakes violent Nazi fucks on this motherfucking plane social media platform.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Somebody needs to go all Samuel L. Jackson on their asses.

  • MynameisBlarney

    These goddamned nazis are gonna get their hateful asses whipped again.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      From your lips etc.

      • MynameisBlarney

        You think they’re gonna win?

        • Mentally Stable Ron

          I don’t see them going down easy. Hell, I don’t discount them wrecking the entire system to keep themselves in charge.

    • Cock Blockula

      Somehow I’m under the impression that Milo would enjoy that sort of thing. Because he’s a naughty boy.

  • Mike

    Milo is a walking billboard for tort reform or some kind of punitive damages for filing frivolous lawsuits…
    Can a judge sentence him to 50 bitch slaps…?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Probably not the best policy to sentence him to something he’d enjoy.

    • Katamount

      Better yet, exile to Tristan da Cunha. Anywhere where the internet is unreliable so we don’t need to hear about him anymore.

      • Mike

        We still get to bitch slap him though…?

        • Katamount

          Well that goes without saying. ;)

  • Oblios_Cap

    I can’t wait to read what Milo’s well thought out and reasoned arguments will be. I’m sure that they will be studied in law schools for decades to come.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Written on toilet walls in law schools for decades to come?

      • Oblios_Cap

        Studied as a cautionary tale.

        • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

          “Everything in this brief is what you do not do if you want to be taken seriously as a litigator.”

      • Timothy Watson

        For fun read, 473 F.3d 231.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Couldn’t find it. The registry went from 229 to 237.

      • schmannity

        Fur ein gutes Zeit, rufen Milo an.

        • BearGHAZI

          Das ist eines gutes Zeit fur niemand, kamerade

  • schmannity

    Forget those $95 an hour Google jobs. Upchuck Johnson is HIRING:

    Our researchers shut down Facebook’s biased left-wing trending news team. They discovered never before seen footage of a young Barack Obama whining about white privilege in Kenya. They debunked and destroyed Hillary Clinton’s narco baby mama Alicia Machado, who quit giving interviews because of us. If you’d like to hire our research team, email us at editor@gotnews.com.

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      So, they are hiring guys (and yes, only guys) that can mock up videos and do deceptive edits?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Your move, James O’Queef.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      narco baby mama?

      what the fuck is that

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    Hmmmm…. Of course, the same poll also found that a bunch of people think Trump will eventually be cleared by Robert Mueller

    Maybe coulda used a followup on that one. Like, *why* they think he’ll get off. Like maybe they think “the system is rigged”?

    • ChumpsForTrump

      It’s because their brains don’t have enough neurons to process all the data coming at them. Instead, they only process the information they like best.

  • Katamount

    Much like James Damore, these guys are coupling “conservative” to “raging douchebag.” No, Chuckles, it’s not your opinion on immigration that got you banned from Twitter (although it’s fairly illustrative of general assholery), it’s the harassment, stupid!

    I mean, we all knew this was the case, but the past couple of days has made this explicit text.

  • ChumpsForTrump

    I misread the headline the first time as “Cuck C”.. lol

    • mardam422

      No, that’s right.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Damn that spellchecker.

    • weejee

      Cuck a doodle doo for that fowl fuck.

  • Bub, the like, cynical zombie

    Idea for new buddy movie: “Milo & Chuck.” The central premise could be Chuck’s eagerness to give Milo a Cleveland Steamer while watching “Triumph of the Will.”

    • weejee

      So “Up Chuck & Milo”?

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Wow, am I ever sorry I looked THAT up! Ew.

      • Grumpy Twat

        Me, too! I grew up in Cleveland!

  • weejee

    Milo stole his being from Joseph Heller. Chuck C stole his soul from a rendering plant dumpster.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b29e9c9e6c9254d500669fbcc54a7b7f29fc7a6289f7a80a6414952cb5ebc41a.jpg

    • Katamount

      I’ve been making that comparison since Gamergate. He is 100% pure opportunist.

      • Daniel

        Milo Whinybender.

  • Admittedly, some might say that it’s always the time and place for a black dick joke, as long as it’s good. A good joke, that is.

    It’s also always the time to mock someone’s use of hyphens.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Except that you’d be mocking correct usage in this case.

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    Oh, Chuck. Again, just because Donnie Two Scoops treats Twitter like an arm of the Executive Branch does not actually mean it is subject to the First Amendment.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    OT & apologies, but for some reason, the idea of a (female) fan dry-humping Celine Dion on stage makes me giggle.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-5252373/Celine-Dion-keeps-cool-female-fan-HUMPS-her.html

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      The woman, who appears to be intoxicated

      I would hope so. I’d hate to think this is normal behavior from someone stone-cold sober.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Obviously what happens in Vegas does not always stay in Vegas…

    • She was just engaging in some Titanic/iceberg roleplay.

    • A Bashful Nobody

      Wait………..Stop……………….

  • PubOption

    Why did Milo engage (((lawyers)))? They must have been bad for his credibility in alt-right circles.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      Not just any lawyers. That’s a tony Park Avenue law firm that handles a lot of high-end international commerce deals.

      • Like Really Smart Radio

        Snort, yeah, I’m sure that twatwaffle will do a much better job.

      • beatbort

        I hope none of them were Jewish! My word, that would have really offended his Nazi fans.

  • TJ Barke

    It’s fucking amazing how the totally morally bankrupt somehow think they’re the real heroes.

    • Bub, the like, cynical zombie

      It’s the complete lack of self-awareness and empathy that does it.

      • Ellie

        Prime example in the Oval Office.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Like Ayn Rand protagonists are somehow superior to real human beings?

      • TJ Barke

        Because they manage to come out on top thanks to contrived writing.

        • ((( Augustus )))

          it’s just plain lying

      • Mavenmaven

        I would be happy if all these Nazi f***ers went Galt immediately.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          I’m thinking an Inglourious Basterds approach would be more satisfying.

  • Edith Prickly, Stable Genius

    I would actually like to see Milo try and summon one of his troll-swarms against a company with the means to swat him down once and for all. He’s already lost the sleazeballs who were funding him before. Go on Milo, try it.

  • Jgb979

    Where is Milo getting the money?

    I’m sure the Mercers is the answer, but one would think they wouldn’t waste hundreds of millions on someone so rat fuckingly stupid.

    • That’s the change they scrounged up from the sofa cushions.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        Hey now!
        You mean that the HELP scrounges up from the sofa cushions.

    • A Bashful Nobody

      I was about to ask the same question about Johnson. Filing a First Amendment case has to be enormously expensive. Regarding Milo, maybe he hopes S&S will pay him to go away.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They skim so much money off the economy with their stock trading software that it’s trivial for them to devote millions to these fuckwits.

      The Mercers are, quite plainly, parasites.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        And owe the IRS a massive sum.

    • shivaskeeper

      Assuming they don;t have the money to start with and the Mercers are out of the picture for Milo at least. They get the money from the same place a guy who owns a limo service gets enough money to be able to argue an ACA case in front of the SCOTUS, including all the lower court cases and appeals along the way. Political donors and lobbying groups help pay for it.

  • The basic ” defense” people like this are using is to claim that harassment, abuse, and attacks are at the vital core of their political “philosophy”, so they “should” be allowed to keep doing it, in ways and places that force their targets to see it.

    No. Just no.

    • shivaskeeper

      But… but… my specially annotated pocket constitution tells me you have to listen to everything I say and in point of fact have to give me whatever platform I want to amplify my voice.

      Or, at least, I’m pretty sure it would say that if I ever read it.

  • These emo-boy Nazis sure are a stupid bunch. I call them ‘idtellectuals’ because they are all unfettered, negative emotion, no matter how brainy they claim to be.

    • They are the monsters from the id

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        But without the cool SFX.

  • beatbort

    Two thoughts
    1) Johnson is lucky that all he got was being banned from Twitter after what he posted about Deray McKesson. That should have been tried as a criminal act, a felony to make death threats, at least where I live.
    2) Milo’s lawyers “withdrew” over a “breakdown in the relationship.” I believe that is double-speak for Milo pulling a Trump by stiffing them for their fees. Simple as that.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      ‘No, Mr Yiannopoulos, we definitely did not agree “no-win, no-fee”. We’re not fucking stupid.’

    • Jennifer R

      S&F made a statement that sounds like Milo wanted them to file suits they felt were meritless wastes of time.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        Would they not wish to avoid filing meritless suits in part because it would injure their OWN reputations? Not that I’d blame them.

        • shivaskeeper

          Yes.

        • Jennifer R

          Yeah basically that is what it boils down to. They found a way to phrase it that isn’t an ethics violation is all.

  • Like Really Smart Radio

    Woot woot woot
    I heart the 5$F lawsplainers!

  • tomamitai

    Should “black-dick” be hyphenated? Strunk & White have nothing to say about it.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      I think the Chicago Manual has an entire chapter on it.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Sure they do. Middle of page 41. This is a compound adjective which are generally hyphenated when they come before a noun they modify and act as a single idea. To my mind, black dick is a singular idea.

      http://www.jlakes.org/ch/web/The-elements-of-style.pdf

  • TJ Barke

    Stupid Jackass Whiners.

  • Daniel Hooper

    O.K., Wonkette; real talk time. I’m getting really sick of your bias. Almost every day, I see in one form or another you degrading an already oppressed, abused and misunderstood group, and I don’t know how much longer I can stand for it. I’m not gonna lie, your actions sometimes border on racism…

    …I’m of course talking about the cow in the title picture.

    • A Bashful Nobody

      Yes, we is doing cow libelz……………

      • puredog

        Heifers gonna heif.

        • Yellerduck

          I’ve herd it up to here with this!

          • Rags

            Shall we poll the wonketariat on pun threads? (Too obscure?)

      • Daniel Hooper

        Listen, just because you have a beef doesn’t mean you should milk it for all it’s worth.

        • shivaskeeper

          That is bad, and you should feel bad.

          • Daniel Hooper

            If you have such udder contempt for my words, why don’t you just moo-ve on then? Dairy you to try.

          • shivaskeeper

            That is worse and you should feel even worse.

          • (((Aron)))

            Nope. Best. Thing. Ever.

          • pstokk

            It’s obvious he can’t be cowed.

          • President in Exile Firefly

            That’s been clearly re-vealed.

          • Daniel Hooper

            Fine, fine. If you’re so ungulate-ful for my clever wordplay, I’ll cowtow to your bullish attitude and stop here.

            (Seriously, I’ll stop now.)

        • President in Exile Firefly

          It would be udderly irresponsible to start a pun thread now.

          (Yes, it is bad and I do feel bad.)

        • Everybody knows that the steaks are high.

          (Bad cow pun.)

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      As a former dairy farmer, I have to agree. My herd of the sweetest, cholesterol-inducing little butterfat Jerseys was one of the best occupations I had. They far outranked humans in their view of the world…

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I revel in the pain of these two shitty excuses for humans.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      It is mighty tasty.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Two theories:
    1. As 5$F posits, Milo wants to publicize the names of every person at Simon & Schuster who said his book sucked, and his lawyers think that’s a bad idea.
    2. Milo isn’t paying his legal fees, and his lawyers really think that’s a bad idea.

    • shivaskeeper

      There is a third option. Milo is trying to tell them to use some fuckbonkers strategy. They already have a weak case at best, and perusing fuckbonkers strategy guarantees a loss in court. A loss can be shrugged off by a legal firm if it’s a legitimate loss. A loss because of fuckbonkers, can probably affect the kind of clients they get in the future. Next thing they know they are reduced to SovCits and other various ijidts.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        like the first family…

        • shivaskeeper

          Something like that.

      • JustDon’tSayLikeSmart

        Well, hell, they took him as a client to begin with, didn’t they? They already have the whiff of fuckbonkers on them.

        • shivaskeeper

          Take on a high profile client in a high profile case? Not really. They have even managed to get some money or probably try to settle out of court so everyone doesn’t waste their time.

      • notanncoulter

        IANAL [did play one at a former employer for a couple years…] but if i’m not mistaken you can actually get in serious trouble [sanctioned, disbarred, contempt, etc] if you try seriously stupid shit and waste the time of the court.

        • shivaskeeper

          Which, I think, is why they dropped him as a client. He doesn’t seem like he would be willing to take no for an answer, and as an internet troll come to life, I can see him trying to shitpost in court instead of trying a valid legal strategy.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Door number 2

    • WiscoJoe

      3. For some reason, his lawyers refused a giant bag of cocaine as payment. Totally unfair!

      • (((Aron)))

        I have a stipulation requiring that in all of my contracts.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Or poorly rendered blow jobs.

        • Daniel

          He paints?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    A couple of booger-eatin’ spazzes, they is.

  • Mavenmaven

    I wish these guys and all their BS would disappear, and take JP Searles, who now is apparently an alt-right fellow traveler, with them. His BS “spoof” on “social justice warriors” is one of the most annoying bits of right wing “humor” yet. https://www.facebook.com/awakenwithjp/videos/1985380678144451/?hc_ref=ARRDa-9CUGaG9WrLp7YU9RN1WA-YquH8gdQbuOJfdE_2fki40-yreYYecUzxmqLf2zE&pnref=story

    • (((Aron)))

      I’m glad I’ve never heard of him!

  • shivaskeeper

    I’m not a lawyer or in any way an officer of the courts. Would it be possible to come up with a legal classification for suits like this? Aggrieved white guys pretending victimhood, suing over fake outrage, or a fundamental misunderstanding of the 1st Amendment should be known as WATB cases.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Snivel Rights suit?

      • Victoria Ricola

        Hahahahahahaha!

      • shivaskeeper

        That right there? That is fucking good.

      • Mr. White

        Well played.

  • Mentally Stable Ron

    Wow. I gotta say, Wonkette’s writers earn their Ameros. I couldn’t wade through this dreck without throwing the iMac across the room at LEAST three times a day. Well done, 5$F!

    • theCryptofishist

      Be sure to donate in large amounts. Those iMacs don’t come cheap.

  • Crank Tango

    Amazing racist is one of my mom’s favorite shows!

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Does she know there is a marathon of that show running on Fox News? I thought it was one of those holiday things like the Twilight Zone, but it seems to be airing in perpetuity.

    • Mr. White

      This week on Amazing Racists, a KKK member who can play 4 musical instruments – at the same time! Also, a Nazi who owns the world’s largest Precious Moments collection. All that and more on Amazing Racists!

    • Kooolest G

      I love that show, that’s the one where they race around the globe, all the while insulting all the local brown people, yelling at them VERY SLOWLY IN ENGLISH and insulting their local food and customs

  • James Baskin

    “Also, too, what kind of fucking fool represents himself in a complicated contract lawsuit?”
    The kind that has no chance of prevailing?

    • shivaskeeper

      He had no real chance to start with. Even wen he had lawyers.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Will the ginger furby shit on the courthouse floor?

    • natoslug

      When did he stop shitting on the courthouse floor?

  • AmusedAmused

    “I am now representing myself pro se”

    I am now Department of Redundancy Department.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      A wholly owned subsidiary of the Redundant Corporation, Inc.

      • Red Richmond

        Oooh no, Redundant Corporation, Inc. merged last year with the Duplicative Repetitions Co, LLC. Man if you want to stay on top of this stuff you’ve got to keep up with the news if you don’t want to get behind.

        • CptnEng2311

          I thought Duplicative Repititions Co was wholly owned by Recursive Corp?

          Nope, my bad. Further reading indicates that Recursive Corp only owns one subisidiary, which is known as “Recursive Corp”.

    • notanncoulter

      the spencers will be paying his bill.

  • Portia McGonagal

    “He who represents himself has a fool for a client”– Abraham Lincoln.

    Please proceed Milo.

    • AmusedAmused

      “They say he who has himself for a client is a fool. Well. With God as my witness, I AM THAT FOOL.”

      ~Gomez Addams, “The Addams Family”

  • Mr. White

    Love how conservative types frame themselves as rugged indivdualists, yet they’re always quick to play the victim card.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      I love how they are totally reliant on the technology ecosystem pioneered and built, by and large, by liberals and hippies, thinking adding #tcot to their tweets makes them innovative.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Everything is projection.

    • phoenix00

      Snowflakes.

  • (((Aron)))

    DARRELL ISSA IS RETIRING!!!

    • theCryptofishist

      Who did he sexually harass?

      • (((Aron)))

        AMERICA!

      • Kooolest G

        he barely kept his seat in 2016, in a district where everyone is either hispanic or just got their taxes raised, he can read polls apparently. same with his buddy ed royce who’s district is just south of issa’s

      • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

        I believe he fingerbanged every one of his wealthy constituents’ wallets.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        We may never know.

    • Red Richmond
      • (((Aron)))

        (I’m scared)

    • Yellerduck

      Wants to spend time building his new business; Arsons ‘R Us.

      • (((Aron)))

        Mmm, kerosene-y!

    • tihond

      Lock up your cars, Californians!

      • (((Aron)))

        Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife!

  • goonemeritus

    Hitler’s last words ” sometimes you can lose the battle and still win the ( these words were obscured by the sound of someone shooting Hitler in his head)

    • (((Aron)))

      (That would have been Hitler shooting Hitler in the head)

      • goonemeritus

        I doubt it, he seemed the sort to delegate that sort of thing.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    I learn so much they don’t teach you in school from $5F

    : )

    • HooverVilles

      And from Wonkette in general. Yea!

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      She is fast becoming my favorite law-splainer.

  • BearGHAZI

    They should totally hold hands and kiss

  • Bigly smart jesterpunk

    Milo is proving the adage ” A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client” correct.

    • Lefty Wright

      Expand that to say any attorney representing Milo has a fool for a client.

    • Daniel

      “A man who is his own lawyer has A SHOCKING ICONOCLAST WHO LOVES BLACK COCK BY WHICH HE MEANS HE LOVES HAVING SEX WITH BLACK MEN for a client and you are so offended and triggered now give me attention. Him. The client. ARE YOU NOT OUTRAGED?!?!?!?!”

    • randoracer

      I’m really surprised that the Dotard in Chief doesn’t represent himself in all of his THOUSANDS of lawsuits. I guess he’s heard of that adage — and actually understands it. (I hate to give him the benefit of the doubt.)

  • notanncoulter

    but… but… but… milo’s words that started the shitstorm were just locker room talk. granted, it was junior high school locker room talk, but that’s picking nits.

  • Joe Monte
    • phoenix00

      And yet the Hamburgler goes free…..

  • Gorillionaire

    Chuck and Milo are the Williams & Sonoma versions of Jim Baker and Jimmy Swagart.

  • Mack N. Nietzsche

    They’re not getting any smarter, are they? Good.

  • Bitter Scribe

    IANAL, so I don’t get how “court won’t let Milo personally see certain documents” = “irreconcilable differences between Milo and his lawyers.” Did Milo think that the lawyers should just let him see the docs anyway and keep quiet about it, i.e., piss all over their judicial ethics?

    • Fivedollarfeminist

      He’s going to act as his own lawyer, which he thinks will force the court to show him the “lawyers only” docs.

      • GlobalBeagle

        Yeah. He’s that smart…

        No wonder his real lawyers dumped him. Undoubtedly that’s because S&S offered a deal; he refused it and the lawyers withdrew on the basis he was acting unreasonably or not following advice.
        That’s the usual reason.
        Or they discover he’s given conflicting instructions.

  • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

    Both of these lawsuits probably aren’t really meant to be tried in the regular courts.

    They’re raw meat for the “FAKE NEWS” howlers in the Aggrievance Industry, to be tried in the Court of Public Opinion (Hannity District).

    • HooverVilles

      THIS!

  • Cornelius Fussbudget

    So, I understand the whole “Twitter/Facebook/Gmail is a private enterprise” and “terms of service” concepts. And I hate to somewhat agree with a RWNJ on anything. But!

    Maybe it is indeed time to upgrade the communications services provided by the government. It does concern me that you can’t really make a living these days without multiple private services. How about, at least, an official USA email account?

    Of course since we couldn’t ban people from it, we’d need laws governing its use, like we do with the postal service. Which means, the next time a mini-Johnson comes along and threatens someone, we would have no choice but to send him to jail. Oh well, such is the price of progress!

  • I’m sure Simon & Schuster are shaking in their boots.

  • HooverVilles

    Whine whine whine.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    More lawspainers? On Wonkette?

    Dick jokes and recipes! FOCUS, people!

  • Tetman Callis

    It’s not such a “complicated contract lawsuit” that Milo got himself tangled up in. I read S&S’s Memo of Law in Opposition to Milo’s Motion for a Slam-Dunk (yes, I’m a Nerd, and WE RULE!), and the issue looked pretty straightforward to me: the contract gave S&S two ways out in light of Krazy-kat Milo’s actions. S&S argued that if they couldn’t skin that pussy one way, they could do it the other (“It is black-letter law that contracts must be construed to give full meaning to all of their provisions.” — page 29, and ooh, I like that, talk tough to me, attorney-person).

    The only thing that made it complicated was Milo complicating it. Fuck all, S&S told him he could keep the $80,000 of the advance they paid him (the contract said he had to give it back) if he would just go away. His counsel likely told him, “Just keep it, Milo, pay us our share, and drop it — you can’t win this.” When he apparently decided to persist, they did a quick C/B analysis and figured there was no way this client was going to be worth the future effort.

    • Fivedollarfeminist

      Fair point. But now they’re coming after him for the $3K he made self-publishing. So that’ll be fun.

      • Tetman Callis

        An exercise in smack-down. They already spent $3K just thinking about it. Looks like they want to make an example of him, as kings used to do — “Hang one for a token, let the rest take heed.”

  • This is the future now. They will push companies into doing what they want orbtie them up with nusience lawsuits. I hope all companies are paying heed- this is what working with these douchenozzles is

  • Celtic_Gnome

    So, Chuckie’s argument is that a for profit company must accommodate everyone who wishes to do business with them even if the company doesn’t personally agree with the client’s beliefs?

    If he prevails, every gay couple in the world will be able to use the precedent set by that decision when a baker or florist refuses to provide their services for their wedding.

  • Zyxomma

    OK, I’m psyched. But I have no coffee on hand; I make cold brew and it takes three days to finish brewing. I should have made it in advance.

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