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Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.

Devin Nunes has secretly been fucking with Section 702 of the FISA provisions in order to slow down and/or stop Trump-Russia investigations.

In continuing efforts to kill the Trump-Russia investigation and the FBI, Republicans have moved on to bitching about the media, and leakers.

Milo Yiano-whatever has “You’re Fired” his lawyersor they you’re fired him — and will represent himself in his suit against his book publisher after his lawyers refused to show him documents labeled “attorney’s eyes only.” His former lawyers stated, “Plaintiff’s lack of cooperation in this regard has rendered MSF’s representation of Plaintiff unreasonably difficult to carry out effectively.”

“Alt-right” troll Chuck Johnson is suing Twitter after it suspended him for violations of its terms of service, and is claiming that his free speech is being violated. Clearly he’s never seen those “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” signs.

The creepy racist MRA who was fired from Google for his butthurt manifesto about women in tech is suing Google for being openly hostile towards conservative white douche bros. Google has responded by saying, “We look forward to defending against Mr. Damore’s lawsuit in court.”

Republicans are trying to blame Democrats for holding up budget agreements that could avert a government shutdown simply because they want to protect the poor, innocent Messican children.

The Trump administration wants to end Temporary Protected Status for Salvadorans, which could force the deportation of up to 200,000 people who have lived in the US since 2001.

The Federal Energy Regulatory Commission threw Rick Perry’s coal and nuclear plans in the incinerator due to the probability that it could destabilize energy markets, and instead ordered regional grid operators to submit information about “naturally occurring and man-made threats” within 60 days, delaying any potential rulings until April.

Trump gave a speech to a bunch of farmers and lied through his teeth about all the things he’s done, and made sure to remind them of the white privilege he gave them by running for office.

Trump’s PR team is in mental damage control as they continue to rebuke claims that Trump is A Idiot and mentally unstable by claiming that he’s, “like, really smart.”

Mike Pence has been quietly working to screw with baby killing harlots’ access to abortion.

Despite KT McFarland having been quit/fired as Mike Flynn’s Trump-Russia buddy, the Trump administration is renominating the former Fox News talking head to be the US ambassador to Singapore.

Prospects for the GOP in Virginia are bad as Sen. Tim Kaine is heavily favored to crush whatever race-baiting shitshow decides to run against him.

Trumpkin Republican Rep. Ron DeSantis formally announced his gubernatorial run, surprising nobody. With the House seat held by DeSantis now open, Republicans have to pick from a squad of ex-military empty suits, while Democrats are running a former UN ambassador.

House Foreign Affairs Chairman Ed Royce has suddenly announced his retirement, setting the stage for a competitive Republican primary in Orange County, California, which is already leaning Democratic.

Super rich fast food CEO and ALLEGED wife beater Andy Puzder has been spotted at the White House, but nobody knows why.

New York slashed the number of books available to prison inmates to 77, 14 religious texts, 24 drawing or coloring books, 21 puzzle books, 11 how-to books, one dictionary, and one thesaurus.

A middle school teacher in Louisiana was arrested at a school board meeting after asking why a school superintendent was getting a raise if there wasn’t enough money to pay teachers and school workers. [Full Video]

A private Catholic high school in Maryland fired a substitute teacher after SOMEBODY uncovered his “alt-right” alt-life working for neo-Nazi Richard Spencer’s white supremacist “think tank.” [h/t The Root]

Steve Alford, a Republican state House Rep. in Kansas, doesn’t think BLACK PEOPLE should smoke the reefer because of their, and he hates to say it, their genetic predisposition to being drug abusing jazz criminals, at least according to his data points from the 1930s.

The US attorney in Massachusetts has announced the he might prosecute “certain categories of participants in the state-level marijuana trade” even if the state decides to legalize it. What certain categories Mr. US Attorney Man? IS IT BLACK PEOPLE.

California and Nebraska are moving forward with bills to establish state net neutrality laws and consumer protections that would kneecap telecom companies before they can pick pockets.

The Pentagon has decided not to give Pakistan $900 million in security assistance for Coalition Support Funds because there’s terrorists who live there.

There’s a YUGE oil tanker on fire in China right now, and nobody knows how to avert the seemingly inevitable environmental catastrophe. Good thing that’s in China, and could NEVER happen in the US…right? [Morning Maddow]

North Korea has agreed to send a delegation of athletes to the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea. Aside from athletes and some spectators, the delegation is expected to include representatives, cheerleaders, and an “art performance group.” OK…

Sen. Ed Markey’s CRA resolution to reestablish net neutrality has gained the support of 30 co-sponsors in the Senate, triggering the threshold for a floor vote, signaling net neutrality as a key platform policy heading into 2018 and 2020.

A growing trend in cybercrime is the unwitting installation of cryptocurrency miners that secretly harvest magic Internet money, and screw up your phones and computers.

SpaceX lost a super expensive and mysterious spy satellite in a big, fiery explosion.

And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert had some Cliff’s notes for Fire and Fury; James Corden wondered where it all went wrong with Bannon and Trump; Jimmy Kimmel is thinking about what Mike Pence is thinking about; The Daily Show broke down Trump’s brain smarts; Jordan Klepper talked about the GOP’s desire for a super special prosecutor.

And here’s your morning Nice Time! Wolf pups with TWO moms!

COOL people give us money because they like us, and want us to stay ad-free. You want to be cool, don’t you?

Follow Dominic on Twitter and send him your gay animals!

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  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • beingreleased

    A good line from the WaPo article on Trump’s speech:
    “‘Oh, are you happy you voted for me. You are so lucky I gave you that privilege,’ Trump said to the Nashville crowd, in an unusual explanation of public service.”

    Thank me for allowing you to vote for me.

  • Nounverb911
  • Jeffery Campbell

    Are their points awarded for first non-comment?

  • Nounverb911
    • calliecallie

      Winter is coming?

  • beingreleased

    The Oprah talk has reminded me of something a British person (who’s lived in the US for 40 years) told me during the W era: The US needs a king. She isn’t a fan of the British monarchy, but her point was that Americans seem to want some kind of figurehead they rally around. Her point at the time was let W be a powerless king – those that need such a thing can feel good about it, but he wouldn’t have any actual power to fuck things up.

    • beatbort

      We had a King but he bloated out on drugs and bacon and gravy and died on the toilet at age 42 in Graceland.

      • From Russia with Love

        Maybe we could use the gopher’s allies? Who is the gopher’s ally? His friend? The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.

    • Asterix

      Interesting idea, but no.

      Besides, we have the notorious RBG, who else do we need?

    • Michael R

      Right Wing can have Trump as non-president when he’s gone , they live in their own world anyway . I think that’s what Trump wanted anyway , not the job or the work , none of the responsibilities .

  • Nounverb911
    • From Russia with Love

      “José can you see…”

  • Ok, Dems, Net Neutrality and pot. There is your 18 platform.
    Bumpersticker ideas:
    High for *fill in name here*
    End prohibition now!
    Save our Internet

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Internet reefer for all!

  • Asterix

    I can understand not being able to sing the National Anthem, but not know the words? Hypocritical asshole.

    • THIS.
      Though he is not alone in it. My one uncle- who served in the navy mind you!- was one of those don’t disrespect the flag guys. And he legit forgot the middle stanza.

    • rosenbomb

      I know…same thing with his knowledge of the Bible. At least we got Two Corinthians out of that gaffe.

    • JohnBull

      The words aren’t bigly enough for Trump to care about.

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      He wrote them on his hand but he can’t read.

  • Nounverb911
    • No, Bill, the other two things are the problem with Trump also.
      And why we will NEVER need to try to run the country like a business again
      Nice try tho

      • beatbort

        Hey, Bill Kristol, I will never agree with anything you say or write or doodle on your tweety machine. You are an insufferably smug asshole who would be boring the shit out of other residents of the loony bin if your father hadn’t gotten you a job 900 years ago.

        • I can agree with him in slight, but he keeps doing the both sides slash it is not the GOP it is just Trump things.

      • Canned Covfefe

        No, “they” will keep trying. This happens in non-profit organizations all the time, esp in social services. Just like with the government.

      • Boscoe

        I think suggesting that he’s “trying to run the country like a business” is giving him WAAAAaaaaaay too much credit for actually attempting to “run” ANYTHING.

    • Darlene Underdahl

      Why do other Republicans kiss Trump’s ring, but Bill isn’t afraid to mock him?

      • An Outhouse for the résistance

        To get whatever they want. Tell him how great he is and what you desire and its yours.

  • rosenbomb

    Wolf pups raised by TWO MOMS??!1?!? I bet there are some folks with Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs™ who will not bake cakes for them.

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    Gentlefolk

    I might need to take a break for a bit.

    No, no major personal issues, thank FSM, but these people have become so obviously gross that paying attention to them becomes indistinguishable from Tony the Mooch’s armpit smelling move. So, regretfully, given that my appetite is lousy to begin with, I need to try and avoid making it any worse.

    Love and hugs to everypony

    • beatbort

      Understood. I hit the wall like that about every 10 days.

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        First time for me; interesting feeling

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      Take the time you need. It’s a good idea; if you stay immersed in it you start to lose all hope in humanity.

    • calliecallie

      I have given up listening to news radio on the drive to and from work. But, wonkette, I just can’t quit you.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    not sure if this has been reported on – but details on new fuckery by Project Veritas – I’m still skimming it, but interesting:
    https://ecf.dcd.uscourts.gov/cgi-bin/show_public_doc?2017cv1047-25

    • From Russia with Love

      I am waiting for that punk to “veritas” himself into a federal prison.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        they’re getting REAL close….

  • Nounverb911

    No John the two Koreas just don’t give a shit about donnie anymore…
    https://twitter.com/FoxNews/status/950732207181705217

    • therblig

      “A driver and a wedge are two different things, John” – DJT

      • beatbort

        I recommend a 5 iron on that moustache

        • Eileen Besse

          THIS!

    • JohnBull

      Nothing puzzles an American conservative (and sometimes Americans in general) more than knowing the rest of the world really doesn’t give two shits about what we’re are doing, much less how we think. A lot of people here truly think the rest of the world revolves around Hill’s emails and the Kardashians.

    • From Russia with Love

      Goo goo g’joob.

  • SpaceX lost a super expensive and mysterious spy satellite in a big, fiery explosion.

    Huh it is almost as if dedicated scientists interested more in knowledge than profit were good for a space program?

    • Asterix

      It may not be lost – it has been cataloged by space command (whatever there real title is I can’t remember – they catalog ever single piece of shit we trash space with) as being in orbit… so maybe not lost?

      • Being lost is not really the issue- the big fiery explosion kinda is XD

        • Juan de Fuca

          That’s kind of what happens with new space projects, Jen. Sometimes things go Kaboom! ;)

          • Sometimes I suppose, but generally on take off and landing no? Not while floating right there in space?

          • Juan de Fuca

            Or maybe it’s not lost at all?🧐

          • Canned Covfefe

            Just wandering?

          • Juan de Fuca

            Not all who wander are lost.

          • From Russia with Love

            It’s not exactly floating until it’s in obit. On the way up (and down) it pulls a shitload of g’s.

          • sarafina

            And yet there have been many space projects including real people that have NOT gone boom.

          • Juan de Fuca

            I have a friend who works for Space X. He’s very much a real person and they have plenty of dedicated scientists (engineers, also, too) working for them.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      That is true. But inside every Rocket scientist is a ten year old secretly waiting for the cool explosion. It’s a shame about the satellite though.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Did Republicans amend the civil rights act to make butthurt bigots a protected class?

    • Pretty sure considering they skewed affirmative action to give government jobs to all their unqualified white cronies

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Being an offensive asshole that denigrates and discriminates against others because of arbitrary things like “race” (does not exist), creed, or religion (my magical thinking is better than your magical thinking) needs moar protectionsisms!!!!!!

      • Darlene Underdahl

        My sky god is better than your sky god.

    • Crystalclear12

      I see you have repressed the memory. It happened on November 8, 2016.
      Now brace yourself, I have some bad news about the presidency. . .

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Orange County, CA going blue? Will miracles never cease?

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Is there a class or something you have to take before you can join the ruling elite? I’m kind of wanting my voice to matter and voting isn’t working anymore in the age of Republicans.

    • chortlingdingo

      I’m afraid that if you weren’t born into it, you’re out of luck.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        What if you retroactively choose rich parents?

        • chortlingdingo

          As long as you stomp on the poor for a while, you might be okay.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Just my luck. Dang. :(

  • schmannity

    Alabama Pedophiles prevail for national championship!

    • FlownΩver

      This is best seen as The Fates’ reward to Bama for getting one right for a change.

      • schmannity

        Tell that to 49.9% of Alabamians

        • ariel_gee_398

          God let your team win football because the Democrat won, you must always vote for the Democrat.

          • Oblios_Cap

            God is on our side!

        • FlownΩver

          With The Fates, it’s winner take all.

          For now. Tide both flows and ebbs.

          • sillyclucker

            Who can explain it ?

  • Mentally Stable Ron

    Rudyard Kipling’s prequel to ‘The Jungle Book,’ ‘Akela Has Two Moms,’ has been largely forgotten.

    • Opalescent Riddles

      But is getting recognized more and more I can tell you.

  • Nounverb911
    • Gayer Than Thou

      Now that’s an idea I endorse. And force the on-air talent to do an abrupt 180 mid-week and start Trump-bashing 24/7.

      • From Russia with Love

        And show more side boob. Even Tucker Carlson.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Every male anchor required to sign up for Weight Watchers and show progress from week to week.

          • Like Really Smart Radio

            On-air live weighins?

  • Nounverb911
    • snork XD

      • Is this how sportsball works?

        • Nounverb911

          In Alabama? Yes!

          • WotsAllThisThen

            It’s God, sports, and God, in that order.

          • Like Really Smart Radio

            What about the guns? Won’t somebody please think of the guns?????!!!1!1!!

          • Opalescent Riddles

            They believe in one triune God: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Sidearm.

    • Like Really Smart Radio

      I was rooting for bama as soon as the player yelled “fuck trump.” I don’t care about either team, but if bama lost, I didn’t want to hear “God was punishing them for their ‘fuck trump’ blasphemy” or some shit.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Google has responded by saying, “We look forward to defending against Mr. Damore’s lawsuit in court.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2da5487dbd715cfccddb4ae4754c4592517bb669f3ad4e649f3f1d6f5b30f098.jpg

    • RC

      Hopefully the court will make him pay Google’s legal fees

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      Didn’t he claim some nonsense about Googs creating a hit-list of poor, trod-upon conservative snowflakes? I can hardly wait until the court asks him to produce that evidence and then throws out his stupid suit because it doesn’t exist.

  • Nounverb911
  • Gayer Than Thou

    Calling dibs on Lesbian Wolves as the name of a woman-led all-woman hiking guide and nature tour company. Our logo will be two wolves howling at the blue corn moon, obvs.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    “A growing trend in cybercrime is the unwitting installation of cryptocurrency miners that secretly harvest magic Internet money, and screw up your phones and computers.”

    The biggest problem I have with this is… when there are folks out there running racks of machines with 4 of the highest-end graphics cards all crunching out problems to compete with, how is this even profitable.

    I get that it is way annoying (hurah for achieving something) and that it is happening, but are the folks doing this really thinking they’re going to wind up actually mining bitcoin?

    • Beelzebubba

      Millions of low-end processors can be competititve. I can’t believe that nobody has yet distributed a virus that does this. Maybe generating spam is still more profitable.

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        They have, sort of. Botnets.

  • chortlingdingo

    Those wolves are super beautiful and peaceful to watch. Thanks for that one.

  • Nounverb911
    • RC

      And I work hard to keep him that way!

    • I have a hunch that the richest person in history is one Vladimir Putin.

      • From Russia with Love

        But he’s a little bit like being the richest person in Saudi Arabia. What are you going to do with it?

        • Like Really Smart Radio

          Launder it through Trump-brand real estate, apparently.

        • Beelzebubba

          Buy a US President?

          • From Russia with Love

            Let me rephrase… what fun can you have with it?

          • Vienna Woods

            Oh, I’m pretty sure that Vlad is enjoying himself watching the shitshow.

        • There are some places on earth where being the richest person in the boneyard still matters.

        • Doug Langley

          You build ski slopes and insane buildings, that’s what:

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTL5WrYbXFA

      • Boscoe

        Yeah, I actually just read that somewhere. It is suspected he is worth at least 200 billion, though nobody knows for sure.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      A) If Oprah won’t buy Fox News (as suggested elsewhere in a non-comment to this post), maybe he should.
      B) Jeff, can you lend me a few million bucks? It would really help me settle a few debts and have a few nice things before I die and it would literally be a few thousands of a percent of your net worth. They don’t even make coins small enough for me to lend you a similar percent of my net worth.

    • specialcircumstances

      As long as the shareholders continue to play ball…

    • Doug Langley

      Well, now he’s going to give all his employees big, hefty raises, right? Right?

      • Boscoe

        So for perspective, think about it… a billionaire is someone who, if they wished, could make EVERY SINGLE US CITIZEN a millionaire, and still have two-thirds of their billion left.

    • sarafina

      He still shouldn’t be president.

  • Martini A, very stable genius
    • arglebargle

      Roy Moore approves this message

      • From Russia with Love

        “Thanks, I just had it stuffed.”

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        Ew!

    • Like Really Smart Radio

      Eeeah! (I let out an audible squeal)
      Oh hi, you’re super cute!

      • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

        From Oregon, with love.

        • Like Really Smart Radio

          Aww, I can definitely picture a handsome unicorn traipsing through the lush ferns and big trees!

          • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn
          • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

            He’s been spying on campers at the local state park. It’s given him ideas…

          • Like Really Smart Radio

            Spying on camper vans, or canoodlers in the woods?

          • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

            *nods* The clothing-optional hot springs, also too. It’s not the nudity that’s interesting, it’s seeing what humans do with their hands.

          • Like Really Smart Radio

            Humans are a very handsy species, I’ll give you that. Only half have a horn-like appendage. I imagine that unicorns also enjoy hot springs?

          • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

            Yes, it’s delightful to have a good, long, hot soak, and there’s usually somebody there that can be talked into helping one wash everything, which is a particular problem for stallions.

          • Like Really Smart Radio

            Well I happen to enjoy hot springs very much, and would be happy to help such a handsome stallion in any way you may desire.

          • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

            *excited squeal, head toss* Oh, I would be ever so grateful!

            Visit Oregon sometime! The spring east of Eugene is nicely appointed, with a small shelter, a sunning deck, and five rock-lined pools, with the topmost being hot enough to make you gasp. My favorite time to go there is on cold, wet days when the place is largely deserted. I like company, but not crowds.

          • Like Really Smart Radio

            It’s been many moons since I’ve been to Oregon, I’m due for a western trek! I must agree with you, there is nothing better than sitting in very hot water while the air is chilly all around you. I would be honored to accompany a woodland stallion to such a beautiful place.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Do not download this if you are worried about being arrested for child pornography!…

    • Doug Langley

      Squeee!

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      ‘One day, all your birch trees will be MINE.’

    • Rooster Cogburn105

      Important tip: Do Not google “young beaver”at work unless you are a terrestrial Biologist

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    The national championship game last night was tied at the end of regulation. If they ruled that the winner would be chosen by picking a name out of a hat instead of overtime, there’d be fucking riots in the streets. But nobody said shit when it was used to decide a house race in Virginia.

    • From Russia with Love

      Yeah, how did I feel it in my bones that we wouldn’t win that little game of chance?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        No shit, right?

      • Juan de Fuca

        I’m still wondering if they contacted the person who submitted that ballot to make sure they really did change their mind and it wasn’t because a pollster changed it for them.

        Then again, the ballot should’ve been tossed regardless. That whole deal is really fucked up.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          If it was a Dem ballot, the person submitting it would probably be on trial for voter fraud right now.

          • sarafina

            No, it would have stayed disqualified.

        • Cornelius Fussbudget

          Why do you think they waited until after the recount to contest that ballot? I’m sure there are plenty of disqualified ballots that looked more like Simonds votes. Unbridled chicanery. Maybe it will eventually be corrected, a few years too late.

          Democrats should put a new Voting Rights Act front and center in their platform.

    • Me not sure

      How about the candidate whose party got the most votes statewide gets the seat.

      • Beelzebubba

        That system has a liberal bias.

      • Doug Langley

        Dunno, that sounds kinda commie to me.

        • Me not sure

          Okaaay!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Devin Nunes has secretly been fucking with Section 702 of the FISA provisions in order to slow down and/or stop Trump-Russia investigations.

    Traitorous little shit.

    • From Russia with Love

      He should be publicly pissed upon just for going by Devin.

      • Me not sure

        I pissed on Devin in the supermarket checkout express lane just yesterday.
        …More than 10 items.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        I don’t know how to say this, but – piss-filled squirt bottles, dangerous as they are, are still a great fantasy…

    • Beelzebubba

      The next indictment for obstruction should target Nunes.

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      LOCK HIM UP, LOCK HIM UP, LOCK HIM UP!!

  • Nounverb911
    • Oblios_Cap

      And he was doing his pee-pee dance at the time.

      • From Russia with Love

        And keeping time with his hand that was on his heart.

        • Opalescent Riddles

          Assumes organ not in evidence.

    • RC

      I bet this thrilled the secret service

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Maybe donnie should take a knee?…

      • Opalescent Riddles

        He should take the whole leg.

      • Rooster Cogburn105

        With those bone spurs of his?

  • Oblios_Cap

    The Pentagon has decided not to give Pakistan $900 million in security assistance for Coalition Support Funds because there’s terrorists who live there.

    So much for the adults being in charge. Who thought this was a good idea?

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      That’ll stop ’em!….

    • Doug Langley

      And the administration continues its policy of pissing off every nuclear power in the world.

    • sarafina

      If you give them money they will just hide more terrorists like they did OBL.

  • ariel_gee_398

    Social media actually serving a good purpose? For those who don’t click-through/read threads, she tweeted about her mom needing a kidney and then:
    https://twitter.com/lenubienne/status/950621382894936066

  • Juan de Fuca

    Super rich fast food CEO and ALLEGED wife beater Andy Puzder has been spotted at the White House, but nobody knows why.

    He’s going to turn the White House kitchen into a horrible fast food joint?

    • Nounverb911

      MacDonnies?

      • Juan de Fuca

        LOL. Worse. One of the saddest things I’ve seen was the sign outside a local Carl’s Jr. proudly stating “OPEN FOR CHRISTMAS” when they should be closed year round. Horrible food, even by fast food standards.

    • sillyclucker

      Trumpburgers and Donny Fried Chicken

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Probably interviewing to be White House chef.

      • From Russia with Love

        He’s studying international cuisine:

        How do they call a Big Mac in France?
        They call it a Royale with cheese.
        A Royale with cheese. What do they call a Big Mac?
        Well, a Big Mac’s a Big Mac, but they call it le Big-Mac.

    • Beelzebubba

      Interviewing for a cabinet position. Il Douche needs to find out if he’s “loyal”.

    • From Russia with Love

      Installing a drive thru window in Trump’s bedroom

      • bupkus231

        Except that it’s the restaurant staff that drives through, bringing “food” to Rump…

        • Opalescent Riddles

          And lobbyists and foreign agents also too.

    • Weird Fishes

      Donny King

    • Me not sure
  • Nounverb911
    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      It’s okay – the black ones are expendable…

  • schmannity

    I’ve spent plenty of time in Kansas, and I think their fear of an onslaught of the reefers smoking black jazz musicians is overblown.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I mean, honestly, it could only improve the place.

      • Me not sure

        Note to self: Open gay jazz marijuana lounge in Topeka. Call it The Smokey Blue Corn Hole. Sure fire money maker.

    • Oblios_Cap

      It makes the BBQ tastier.

      • schmannity

        Gates & Sons cannot be improved!

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Kansas City……mmm…mmm..mmm….( oh wait, that’ s the Missouri side)…

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    A middle school teacher in Louisiana was arrested at a school board meeting after asking why a school superintendent was getting a raise if there wasn’t enough money to pay teachers and school workers.

    It’s Louisiana, Jake, forget it.

    • Doug Langley

      Meanwhile, here in Ohio, I asked if I could do some tutoring to supplement my class pay. Was told I’d half to re-apply for that, with background check, drug test, etc, and even if I got it, would only pay $15 per hour. For tutoring digital design, web development, game design, animation programming . . .

      • MizzMazz

        Jeez, I hear ya. I applied for a lab position that I knew I could probably do (even though I don’t have the BS that they wanted) and with all of the responsibilities and requirements, the pay started at $12 an hour. Needless to say, I never got a call back, but at this point I’m just flinging applications everywhere, and hoping one sticks.

        • Doug Langley

          Ooh, I’ve been through that. Just keep pounding until something gives.

    • bupkus231

      Amazing thing was, I think the arrested teacher was white!

  • Oblios_Cap

    SpaceX lost a super expensive and mysterious spy satellite in a big, fiery explosion.

    Your tax dollars burning up!

  • Beelzebubba

    Trump Warns That President Oprah Would Force Americans to Read

    WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump issued a stark warning to the nation on Monday that, if elected President, Oprah Winfrey would force Americans to read.
    “This is a woman who, every chance she got, told people to join her book club,” Trump told reporters. “If she were President, you better believe that she would make every single American join that book club.Claiming that Winfrey “never met a book she didn’t like,” Trump accused her of planning to institute an “individual book mandate,” which would require non-reading Americans to pay as much as two thousand dollars a year for refusing to read a book.”

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      Lol, her nightmarish reign of forced learning and literacy would destroy the proud Idioracy the Right worked so hard to build.

    • Bebecca

      Hey, we could make a fortune if we sold cliff notes

  • OrG Unstable Genius

    Re: chuck johnson. Again, wingnuts don’t understand the First Amendment and LOVE the free market, except when they HATE it.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Or the second amendment either.

      Maybe we should save time and list the amendments they do understand?

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        ‘A… men… wut?’

    • phoenix00

      Same goes with the Bible.

  • Bub, the like, cynical zombie
    • Doug Langley

      Brilliant!

  • Nounverb911
    • Gayer Than Thou

      I can believe that some of the most fervent #Oprah2020 supporters are within the White House itself. Melon is probably sending donations on ActBlue as we speak.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      “If complicit means I’m dumb as a brick, then I guess I’m complicit.”

  • Mentally Stable Ron

    A misheard news item last night about the Dalai Lama led me to put this together: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/52daa9df5e01ee61430072c0f693a7590388c98ba753294e9dc153968bb42b83.png

  • Oblios_Cap

    Did anybody else notice how the volume dropped when they introduced Donnie? It didn’t sound like he was getting a lot of cheers.

    • cmd resistor

      I keep hearing/reading how he was greeted by a “roar,” mostly cheers. I couldn’t stomach listening/watching, though. Sounded like efforts to normalize him, like the pivot drivel talk.

      • bupkus231

        I know it was the College Football Championship – and that both teams have legions of fans – but I just wonder how many of the 71-75K seats were filled by “comps” – free tickets given out to Trumpanzees with the understanding that they would try to drown out any boos….

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Booo….urns!…

    • Carpe Vagenda

      According to The Hill, there were a lot of people screaming Fuck Trump.

      • Cosmic Owl 2

        There were also a couple of fuck Trump signs on buildings.

        GA may be Trumpville, but Atlanta sure as fuck ain’t.

  • goonemeritus

    Will that nice wolf family be shopping for a practical Subaru soon?

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    What a world of powerful individuals we live in! Al Gore gave us the Internet and donald trump gave us the privilege of being able to vote for President!…

    • That made me gag this AM.

      Course that’s true of most things he says.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    You know those North Korean athletes aren’t even going to be able to make a Number Two in privacy for fear they’ll defect at the first opportunity.

    • Empress of the Iguana People

      Or their families will be “invited” to a special stadium watching the Olympics. As a special “treat”.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Their families are being held hostage.

    • So, RE: North Korea, there was a story I avoided in the WSJ this morning about a plan to attack North Korea. It’s a bunch of bullshit.
      https://twitter.com/DominicGwinn/status/950738837709512704

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I’m glad you did – the failing New York Times had a big long piece on how American intelligence had totally misjudged North Korea’s progress towards being able to bomb us. Which freaked me out. Though I did wonder whether this was just leaks intended to reduce confidence in the intelligence community generally.

        • Yo, for real? I’ll be the first person that jumps on a plane to a war zone for an embed under most conditions, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to beat the war drum. I grew up in a military family, I’m a journalist, and I’m not stupid, I know how this world works. I watched the shouting and fear mongering that took us into Afghanistan, and then Iraq — and you’d shit yourself if you knew all the countries where we’re currently operating (to say nothing of the skirmishes being fought by/between private military contractors). I will say that I’ve known some private contractor people, some are some good and honest folks, but they’re as complicated as are their jobs.

        • puredog

          The sense I have derived from other stories is that *someone* (Vlad?) supplied the norks with a lot of advanced technology that goosed their nuclear program significantly. IOW, it may be that American intelligence was right about NK’s progress — evaluated when it was standing on its own — but did not know about the outside help that let them get so far so fast.

          • Gayer Than Thou

            It’s a little bit odd that we didn’t figure out they’d learn how to miniaturize a nuclear warhead pretty quickly – after all, I’ve had the Nukr app on my phone for years.

      • The plan to attack Canada is hilarious

        • First, grab the Strategic Gravy Reserve!

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            That’s the Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve*

            *This is a real thing

          • Zippy49

            Here or in Canada?

          • Canada. It got robbed for like $25 million in product a couple if years ago

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            Canada. And a couple of years ago, someone stole it. This is also a true story.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          So what? If we can be friends with poutine, isn’t that better?

          • I’ll form an non-combat alliance with poutine, but we’re not friends.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            frite at last, frite at last…

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          Does it involve creeping on our hands and knees?..

        • Rooster Cogburn105

          Will POW camps serve poutine?

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        When Mexico does war games, guess who the enemy they’re fighting against is — the US.

      • bupkus231

        However, I saw headlines ( somewhere ) about the Rump administration :planning” to give Kim a “black eye”, figuring he wouldn’t strike back.

        This implies to me that they’re talking about some kinda “limited strike” – and while the Pentagon often plans several scenarios, it often seems that they all proceed to full out war/defeat of the enemy.

        The problem with “limited strikes” is that one cannot guarantee either side won’t exceed the limit.

      • Rooster Cogburn105

        Even Texas? Jade Helm is REAL!!!!!

    • sillyclucker

      I read that as “defecate at the first opportunity”. Oops !

    • Cosmic Owl 2

      They are on lockdown the entire time.

      It’s remarkably fucked up, even for the most fucked up place on Earth, NK.

    • Hesavebread!

      That’s why their families won’t be going with them.

    • Robyn Ryan

      The thing is, they are talking. Without the US.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Probably not while they’re making Number Two.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Milo Yiano-whatever has “You’re Fired” his lawyers — or they you’re fired him — and will represent himself in his suit against his book publisher after his lawyers refused to show him documents labeled “attorney’s eyes only.”

    Funny that they were willing to pay him a lot of money to turn the hose on libtards but they’re not all that interested in having the barbarian hordes show up at their own houses.

    • puredog

      Since then, they watched the movie “mother!”

  • SomeBigRedDog

    LESBIAN WOLF PUPPIES!

  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

    CHRIST DAVID BROOKS GOD PLEASE FIRE THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE pic.twitter.com/rgoh61u3XY— Drew Magary (@drewmagary) January 9, 2018

    • Canned Covfefe

      That is one of the most twisted, convoluted, athletic, and all around whacky attempts to reconcile one’s cognitive dissonance.

    • Steely_Fan

      As usual, Driftglass reduces David Fucking Brooks to a quivering, gelatinous, pool of goo.
      https://driftglass.blogspot.com/

    • Carpe Vagenda

      “Mr Brooks is stepping away to spend more time with his family… er, research assistant… er, family… He explained that the burden was too much for him to carry now that the current Mrs. Brooks says he can’t have a research assistant.”

      • sarafina

        I thought his wife kicked him to the curb. In fact, I heard it on Diane Rehm. Of course, he may have remarried since then.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Oh, he did remarry. He married the research assistant he was banging while she helped him produce all that awesome sociology about white people and ethics.

          • sarafina

            OMFG.

    • TundraGrifter

      “Imagine” worked much better for John Lennon. It’s a standard “go to” for Regressives who want to whine about how their people are being treated by the media. Also.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      IF MY AUNT HAD BALLS, SHE’D BE MY UNCLE

      • Mehmeisterjr

        If my Aunt had balls and was named Steve Bannon, she would be sucking herself off.

        If David Brooks had balls…

        But now we are talking highly-unlikely conditional terms.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    As a personal favor, can we go back to calling her KT “black helicopters” McFarland? It gets her (and her buddy Kissinger) really upset.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    O/T Hey did you guys know that Golden Retrievers have webbed feet? I had no idea and it recently caused me to lose a game of 20 questions to an eight year old how will never let me forget it. I was convinced the answer was platypus.

    • Cosmic Owl 2

      Some dogs have webbed paws.

      The swimmers, like Labradors.

      • SomeBigRedDog

        *looks at feet*

        HOLY SHIT I’M AQUADOG!

        • Robyn Ryan

          Aqua Buddha

        • Boscoe

          -OR MAYBE DAN AYKROYD!

        • H0mer0

          “Don’t you start away uneasy. You poor old dog, you see it’s only me.”

      • Anarchy Unicorn

        Reading this caused me to check my weird ass mutt’s feet, since he’s sleeping on the couch right next to me. He gave me a serious WTF look and moved to a chair across the room. He does have webbed feet though, and loves to swim. Though he hates baths.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      AND they smell like Fritos

      • SomeBigRedDog

        ITS TRUE!

        And now I’m hungry.

    • Stable Genius Demme

      Newfoundlands (Newfies) too!

  • nightmoth

    There’s a bit of good news from Georgia in that a black death row inmate is going to be given another day in court (INCREDIBLE, for Georgia) because a juror at his first trial called him a N***er.

  • Mavenmaven

    What’s a few trillion among friends?

  • Ron Spangler

    FAKE NEWS! No big fiery explosion for the SpaceX/Zuma launch. The sat failed to separate from the second stage. You’re right that it was wicked expensive though. #Oops.

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    that NY prison library thing is super disturbing. I hope they have a healthy library exchange going.

    • H0mer0

      Don’t worry, they’ve got a thriving religious fiction section!

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        it’s a World Mythology and Seminary section!

  • lroom
    • Lord Jim

      I see what you mean. That story is right in our wheelhouse!

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    if anyone sees Fartknocker today:

    JJP’s furever home fell through because obviously she belongs to the Wonketariate and he is our chosen dog minder. tell him to get his application in.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/707a28cd10f501032afe8701a39e6ed169c7452a7c0efedbdcef2c0c11d05d2b.jpg

    • SeeTrainWrecked

      NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

      Well, at least you’ll have her back for a little while longer.

      BEFORE FARTKNOCKER FINALLY COMES TO GET HER.

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        I don’t have her. she was taken over Thanksgiving to a temporary foster when I went out of town. they called a few days in and were all, “we would love to keep her until she finds her furever home because we have a backyard and 3 friends for her to play with.” which I was completely cool with. she’s back with them.

        • SeeTrainWrecked

          Must. Have. Room. To. Run.

          Sure hope something finally works out for her.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            it’s more that she needs to be able to do her business more often. you can have a large dog in an apartment, but you can’t do it with my schedule. and you can’t do it with a JJP.

          • SeeTrainWrecked

            I honestly didn’t think of that.

            Can you tell I’ve never had a pet? (Allergies. That and I’m not competent enough to care for a pet.)

  • Now i am totally sad for blackspot.

    • Manders

      I think I am too—either that, or it’s super dusty in here.

  • The creepy racist MRA who was fired from Google for his butthurt manifesto about women in tech is suing Google for being openly hostile towards conservative white douche bros. Google has responded by saying, “We look forward to defending against Mr. Damore’s lawsuit in court.”

    Conservative white douche bros are SO OPRESSED, y’all! 🙄

  • M.E. Lawrence

    Dominic, two moms? Lesbian wolves? What next? And why didn’t I get to have one when my little pup was driving me crazy?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Oh, no. No Chuck Jones Twits? How will I survive?

  • Speaking of Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA)……

    Dare we consider him as a presidential candidate in 2020?

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