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Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today, but first, look at this from yesterday’s press briefing…

What the hell is going on here? Trump can’t walk his ass down the hall to the briefing room? Who does he think he is, the Wizard of Oz? Zordon? It’s not like there are any stairs leading to the briefing room. Your editrix says her money is on CGI Trump whose robot voice ain’t learned to inflect yet.

A new bombshell report from the NYTimes details the events that led Trump to “You’re Fired” James Comey, Trump demanding Don McGahn stop Jeff Sessions’s recusal, lying lawyers, shady lying lawyers, and how Reince Priebus turned over his marble composition book to Robert Mueller, confirming Comey’s version of events.

Paul Ryan is standing behind Devin Nunes’s shitfit to discredit THE DOSSIER, striking a deal with the FBI and DOJ that will let Nunes play James Bond, but only under parental supervision at the FBI.

The leader of the House Freedom Crazies, Mark Meadows, penned an op-ed with Rep. Jim Jordan saying Jeff Sessions should leave because he keeps obstructing the justice of Trump’s wins.

A federal judge has denied Fusion GPS’s attempt to block Devin Nunes/House Intel Committee from looking at the firm’s bank records because, in so many words, it’s just business.

Everyone is bailing on “Sloppy Steve” Bannon in the wake of “Fire and Fury,” from the Mercers to the Breitbard board, and now even 2018 Bannonite candidates are trying to walk away, leading Republican leaders to declare open-season. [Archive]

Javanka have a special deal that would see Ivanka becoming the first lady POTUS if either of them ran for president, and they’ve been crafting an elaborate fantasy world to convince themselves that people like them.

Michael Wolff was on teevee this morning talking about his book, and boy did he have some things to say!

After one of the sources in Fire and Fury talked some shit about Trump, his people told Axios that they might “You’re Fired” her from a pro-Trump PAC, which is hilarious since that is a new proposal to cut ACA insurance requirements.

North Carolina Republican Sen. Thom Tillis is no longer invited to the DACA parties after he and his staffers opened their big mouths and started talking to reporters about murky and unconfirmed details.

The news for DACA recipients is grim as the bipartisan talks are reportedly breaking down, with Republicans bailing on meetings, and some crafting their own plan to build Trump’s Tortilla Curtain.

Jeff Sessions’s new anti-pot policy is getting burned on both sides of the aisle by states who see pro-pot laws as beneficial to local economies.

Interior Secretary and crooked bastard Ryan Zinke announced new offshore drilling regulations yesterday, or rather a new and total lack thereof. We’re sure his real hometown of Santa Barbara will be thrilled.

The federal advisory committee on climate change that Trump “You’re Fired” is being brought together again in an effort to subvert the Trump administration by screaming climate science at the rest of the world.

The FCC finally released its order to repeal net neutrality, setting the stage for a torrent of lawsuits.

In the wake of “Cadet Bone Spurs” talking about his big button, Sen. Ed Markey and Rep. Ted Lieu sponsored a bill to require Congressional approval initiating a first-use nuclear strike.

Trump will fuck off to Camp David later today where he’s expected to meet with Congressional Republicans and rage tweet about the 2018 elections.

Republicans are desperately hoping Elizabeth Warren will run in 2020 so they can label her a dirty Commie for beating up all the poor, innocent corporations.

FBI officials in Little Rock are looking into conservatives crying crocodile tears that there was quid-pro-quo, by Hillary herself, to use the Clinton Foundation to hide cash. This is really sad and sloppy for a DC conspiracy theory. (The Hill piece, in particular, was written by John Solomon and is absolute trash.)

The NRA hauled in a record $366 million Ameros in 2016, according to recent IRS filings. Maybe they can use that cash to hide all their guns from the boogeyman?

The JEW lawyer for ALLEGED pedophile Roy Moore isn’t actually a JEW, or a licensed lawyer, but he tries to to act like one when talking about the “abortion holocaust.”

Leigh Corfman has filed a defamation lawsuit against ALLEGED pedophile Roy Moore for calling her a liar for telling the LIBERAL media that Moore “sexually abused her in 1979 when she was a 14-year-old high school freshman and he was a 32-year-old assistant district attorney.”

Maine Republican Gov. Paul LePage has been rerouting $1.7 million Ameros to fund Jesus camps instead of giving the cash to needy poors with kids, and that’s on top of being grifty with multi-millions of dollars in federal grant money.

Yesterday the State Department announced it was cutting off almost all US security aid to Pakistan labeling it a “country of particular concern,” and placing it on a “special watch list,” leaving foreign policy nerds facepalming and shaking their heads.

Steve Mnuchin scribbled out MORE sanctions for five Iranian businesses controlled by the Shahid Bakeri Industrial Group over human rights abuses, which is funny since REXXON previously said the US doesn’t give a shit about human rights.

The Marine Corps is phasing out hundreds of grunts in favor of geeks, dropping the infantry assault Marine MOS to bring in more cyber ops, intel and electronic warfare specialists.

Harold Martin, the former NSA contractor accused of stealing 50 terabytes of data in 2016, is expected to plead guilty later this month.

GOOD LUCK to the reporters at the LA Times in their  vote to unionize in the face of corporate threats and smears! We’ll see you again on Jan. 19, when the overseas ballots come in. And don’t forget crucial Waukesha County!

And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert is wondering what the hell Jeff Sessions is smoking; Jimmy Kimmel ‘splainered why Jeff Sessions hates weed with a PowerPoint presentation; The Daily Show is shaking its head at “Fire and Fury”; Jordan Klepper had Josh Sharp and Aaron Jackson talk about Milo Yiano-whatever.

And here’s your morning Nice Time! A Klipspringer calf!

TIP US so that we know you care about us keeping the lights and computers on!

Follow Dominic on Twitter and send him fuzzy animal pictures!

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  • Nounverb911
    • weejee

      Have mine, thank you.

  • Nounverb911
  • Joe Beese

    The FCC finally released its order to repeal net neutrality, setting the stage for a torrent of lawsuits.

    I see what you did there.

    • BigCSouthside

      Nerd pun FTW

  • Nounverb911
    • puredog

      McCarthy really looks somewhat separated at birth from LBJ in that photo.

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        It’s the hair.

    • cmd resistor

      I have yet to see an old photo of Trump that would make me think, hey, that guy should run for president.

  • A Groucho Marxist

    I never thought I’d feel nostalgic for Heath Fucking Shuler, but Mark Meadows has made it happen.

    • bupkus231

      Meadows can’t make a completion, either?

      • A Groucho Marxist

        And somewhere, Heath tosses a tiny a football across his office, drops his head, and sighs deeply.

  • Tetman Callis

    La me gusta Senator Duckworth. Whatever kid gloves she may have been wearing she has stripped off and she has been on a Don John slapfest for a while now.

    • She really is a national treasure.

      • Parakeetist

        Duckworth & Kamala Harris in 2020!

        • coozledad

          YES.
          And make them Consul and proconsul. Two centers of power laying waste to Republican ass.

      • Tetman Callis

        She’s got that “junior Democratic Senator from Illinois” thing going for her. Let’s see, who was the last person who had that . . . .

  • Nounverb911
    • Parakeetist

      What does rode knop mean?

      • Nounverb911

        The red button

        • Parakeetist

          Thx

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Boy, it’s just amazing how much real important and inflammatory stuff Michael Schmidt could have been telling us all about if he wasn’t all fucked up about hurting Trump’s feefees.

  • puredog

    Oh, if only there were something Congress could do about Sessions’s pot initiative if it got its panties in enough of a twist. Like take marijuana off fucking Schedule I, f’r example.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      Sounds like work.

      • Notreelyhelping

        It’s a gateway to harder legislation.

  • weejee

    CGI Trump – no inflection, but also no slurring of words because of neural plaque & brain tangles loose dentures.

    • Trump would fail a Turing test, so CGI Trump isn’t any different from bone, meat, and gristle Trump.

      • arglebargle

        Gristle Trump. HA!

  • I’m still laughing at Bannon’s crack about Ivanka being ‘stupid as a brick’. She was always seen as the smart one, making her brothers even stupider than bricks.

    If Barron is the smart one, he’ll probably arrange to kill off his older siblings in order to grab all the monies….

    “Just for you, Eric, I put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.”

  • Nounverb911
    • Parakeetist

      Tell me about it.

    • cmd resistor

      So, apparently he will have these awards and then go to the college football championship, which I still can’t figure why.

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        He thinks that he will be worshipped at the Alabama/Georgia game, and nothing could be farther from the truth. People have better things to do (drinking, fist fights, fucking) than be worried about Trump. Besides, what jersey would he wear? Oh, yeah. Neither. Loser.

        • cmd resistor

          The only thoughts he will get are pissed off at traffic thoughts, due to him messing things up worse than a bad Atlanta traffic day.

        • cmd resistor

          But Trump might not be in the for the warm reception the White House is clearly expecting. On Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders bragged about the schools being “in the heart of Trump country” and it’s easy to imagine that played into Trump’s decision to attend (along with the halftime performance by Kendrick Lamar).
          While it’s true that Alabama and Georgia went for Trump in the 2016 presidential election, he’s not exactly beloved in either state. Clarke County, Georgia, home to the UGA, went for Hillary Clinton in 2016 by a nearly 40 percent margin. And Alabama recently dealt Trump a double whammy in the special election to fill the seat left vacant by his Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Republicans in the state first rejected Trump-endorsed Luther Strange in the GOP primary and then dealt a loss to Roy Moore in last month’s special election.
          People in Atlanta, which voted overwhelmingly for Clinton in 2016, might also remember Trump crapping on the city last year. His swipes came while attacking Representative John Lewis, the civil-rights hero whose district includes Atlanta, which Trump said is in “horrible shape,” “falling apart,” and “crime infested.” http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2018/01/trumps-going-to-the-college-football-title-game-in-atlanta.html

  • A Groucho Marxist

    Abortion Holocaust is the name of my new hardcore band.

    • Parakeetist

      I like the live album.

      • A Groucho Marxist

        Holy shit, it’s an actual band. My bad, AH.

      • coozledad

        The little cage dancers were the best part.

    • bupkus231

      That “Jew Lawyer” hits about all the buttons on the right-wing anti-choice bungi card – no wonder the Moores hired his ass.

      In that Al.com piece, Wishnatsky admits to being a member of the “Lambs of God rescue movement” in the 80s – associeated with the violent “Army of God”, implicated in ore than one murder of abortion providers.

      Some fucking “Christian” – oh, excuse me, “Messianic Jew”. Just another religious fucking hypocrite. Again, no wonder the Moores love him.

      [ BTW to Dominic – your link says Wishnatsky has been admitted to the Virginia Bar, so he IS a “licensed lawyer” ]

    • Notreelyhelping

      Really? I was thinking of a reggae accordion band.

  • weejee

    OT: Our daffodils are starting to poke there heads up through the soil.

    / ducks many iceballs thrown from east coast.

    • From Russia with Love

      We have Dutch tulips in a vase already.

    • VirginiaHighFiber

      There’s a small frozen bird in the middle of my projectile. De duck was too big.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Not looking forward to gay porn about computer nerds, even if they are Marines.

    • What if they are computer nerds who are Marines AND Velociraptors?

    • “Are you going to INSERT that code in my directory?”

      • ariel_gee_398

        “I need a hard drive. Can you help?”

        • MynameisBlarney

          Penis!

          • Jeffery Campbell

            Peener Fi!

      • You’re going to need more RAM for this system.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      HARD drive 2!

    • arglebargle

      Yes, the military is notoriously dinosaurish when it comes to technology, so floppy disks.

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        As well they should be. Old tech is harder, if not impossible to hack.

    • coozledad

      The’re in the classifieds, under HTML.

    • calliecallie

      I immediately started thinking about nerds with hard marine bodies when I read that. So hawt.

  • Nounverb911
  • Asterix

    Oooo, I had never heard of Oreotragus oreotragus (Klipspringer) before. Unlike the orange doofus, I love learning new things!

  • BadKitty904

    Today is Twelfth Night! Chalk the door and take down those Xmas decorations!

    Old Christmas is past, Twelfth Night is the last,
    And we bid you adieu, great joy to the new!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqhNYfgtXSE

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Or, and I have used this method for years now, just leave them up and promise yourself you’ll do better next year.

    • coozledad

      I was always fond of this one, even as an atheist. It’s the choral echo trick that gets me.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_Tux6tixN0

    • NorthernSaber

      In Sweden Twelfth Night is called the not terribly poetic “julgransplundring”, or “plundering the Christmas tree.” It will be un-decorated (the Swedes not putting theirs up three weeks into November and taking them down on Boxing Day) and placed outside, maybe with some food for animals placed on it (what we did in Minnesota). It’s always irked me that in the States the spirit of Yule seems to end on Christmas Day itself, or as soon as the retail part ends.

      • BadKitty904

        In older sections of the U.S. and in out-of-the-way places, the old customs are still observed. In our little town, the annual Christmas procession (where children “help Mary and Joseph look for lodgings”) still takes place, older folks still chalk their doors on Twelfth Night, etc. Christmas and Easter are still BIG days in our calendar…

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Being a heathen unbeliever, I often leave mine up til Candlemas. Or until I get bored of looking at em, whichever.

      • Oblios_Cap

        We’re at the “tired of looking at them” stage. Ours will ebb coming down this weekend, now that we’ve survived the Great Florida Blizzard of ’18.

    • calliecallie

      Way ahead of you. That stuff came down a week ago.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Southern custom is to take them down before New Year’s. If you bother to put one up. Which I haven’t for five years since I adopted Bella.

    • Nope. Too busy.

      Maybe this weekend if i can find the booze.

  • Nounverb911
    • coozledad

      The Republican version of the velvet revolution today? Or just deciding that Trump will never appear in public again.

      Either way, they’re not going to let go of power until they’re burned out.

      • Nockular cavity

        He’s just going to be issuing prerecorded communiques from his dacha from now on.

        • coozledad

          They’ll just project his bigass face up on a screen, and only the lips will move.

          It’s almost a death of Stalin scenario.

          EDIT: My bet is he’s at, or close enough to the pants-shitting and drooling stage his minimal appearances will have to be extensively choreographed. He’s already got the poise of a fucking howler monkey. How long will it be until his tongue just slides out of his head and they have to put it back in for him?

          • thewalkindude

            I think you meant “big assface”…

          • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

            Now?

    • arglebargle

      So, no golf?

      • miss_grundy

        Didn’t he play golf last Monday?

        • arglebargle

          …and Tuesday, and Wednesday, and Thursday…

    • Oblios_Cap

      2 degrees? There will be a room full of blue balls at the Camp.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I don’t know that much about Michael Wolff, but he should probably not accept any cups of tea from strangers. Or probably from anyone.

  • AJ Milne

    I so would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at Holt when that crackhead C & D came in…

    It’s so rare in real life to see someone’s eyes literally turn into dollar signs… and them then crying with laughter and tears of sheer joy, barely able to stammer out over the phone ‘I don’t care, _rent_ more presses, get this thing out _tomorrow_!’

  • sarafina

    Shouldn’t that be a Klipspringer fawn? It looks more deerish than bovine.

    • Asterix

      I had to look it up: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klipspringer it’s an antelope!

    • Antelopes are bovids, like cattle. Deer are cervids. Both are artiodactyls, even-toed hoofed mammals. Why, yes, I am a very nerdy person.

      • Here’s where it gets weird… whales are a sister group to the artiodactyls.

        Next Tuesday, there’s a biology lecture at the Bell House nightclub in Brooklyn. If you can make it, first beer’s on me.

        • puredog

          So are tomatoes. Not many people know this.

          • Resistor Radio

            Pedant.

            ;)

      • Resistor Radio

        Yay, nerdy person! “Even-toed ungulate” is like one of the most beautiful phrases to roll off the tongue, and I relish any chance to bust it out.
        (I am not a biology nerd person, but that one has stuck with me since a bio class about ten years ago)

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        P E D A N T I C

  • Nounverb911
    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      And yet he claims he doesn’t watch that much TV.

      • ManchuCandidate

        That’s all Preznit Mush Brain can do

      • Ghenghis McCann

        According to ‘Fire and Fury’ he goes to bed at 6:30pm and has 3 TVs on in the bedroom.

        • Nounverb911

          And cheezeburgers too, also.

        • Notreelyhelping

          Must be great, being retired.

          • Ghenghis McCann

            I think that spellcheck has let you down, instead of ‘retarded’ it came up with ‘retired’.

          • Notreelyhelping

            It did? What a silly bustard.

      • BigCSouthside

        He watches the Gorilla channel

        • Jimh

          So, FOX basically.

    • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

      Yes, they are really “hitting out,” as if in a blind rage. They are childish fucking morons, bent on distraction!!!

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Oh, don’t worry, this year we’ll be trying to win an election.

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        Or several dozens…

    • Jimh

      FOX: “Hillary Clinton is in the news again today, because that’s basically all we’ve fucking got right now.”

  • Parakeetist
    • Ghenghis McCann

      ‘Skin whitening is nothing new in many Asian countries, where darker skin is often associated with outdoor labour, therefore, being poorer.’ But surely taking the little guy out where he might get a tan could see you being arrested for indecent exposure?

      • NorthernSaber

        I cannot be the only person to hear “turn a whiter shade of pale” upon reading this!

        • PubOption

          His dick, at first just ghostly, turned a whiter shade of pale.

    • From Russia with Love

      I’d rather darken my own, for an obvious reason, if you know what I mean and I think that you do.

    • VirginiaHighFiber

      That’s a scary looking suction tube the nurse is holding. Never seen one used in a skin lightening procedure before. No, don’t explain it’s use.

    • Notreelyhelping

      When asked if the clinic had developed a whitening treatment for assholes, he explained that they had, but little demand existed for the procedure. “Apparently, we already have enough white assholes.”

  • Gayer Than Thou

    That Ivanka thinks she’s somehow in the pipeline for the presidency tells us all we need to know about her. I mean, yes, we’re in Bizarro World now and Trump has redefined the heretofore accepted rules about who can succeed in politics , but in general people who are preparing themselves for the presidency have, you know, done something else. Served as a Senator from a big state maybe, or held a high-level cabinet position. That kind of thing.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      But think about how much imperfectly vetted money has gone into contracts for her glorious face and brand to represent companies that don’t seem to sell anything.

    • omg, have you seen her tablecloth dresses? She’s, like so famous.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      It’s all about the shoes, man!

      • Mary Theresa

        She has the foot fetish vote.

    • I’m sure she has more Instagram followers than any pissant Senator or cabinet member. So she should absolutely be president.

      • cmd resistor

        Also, too, she wrote a “book.”

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        She totally believes that she can “architect” this into her life.

  • Nounverb911
    • From Russia with Love

      CNN will win the award because actual conservatives are not smart enough to know that The Daily Show is satire.

  • Nockular cavity

    first, look at this from yesterday’s press briefing…

    Geez, Dominic, you couldn’t ease us in with some cute wombat hatchlings or something?

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Dominic, gawjiss, there’s a weird tag at the end of the Think Progress piece about campaign finance

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    http://www.kethinov.com/images/startrek/TOS2x21f.png

    This is starting to look like the Nazi episode of Star Trek.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      Now if they could only wrestle the phone away from him.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Needz moar Skip Homeier!

    • xbutter

      That looks like Pence

  • Michael R

    Trump ‘failed to recognize a succession of old friends’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-e0bUPfHU4s&feature=youtu.be&t=5m57s

  • The Librarian

    So the Moores lawyer isn’t a True Joo™ anymore, since he converted which means he’s a Christian. Pretty sneaky of the Mrs. to pretend otherwise to try to get the Jooish vote.

    • kilgoretrout

      Sung to Hey Jude

      Hey You
      You were my Jew
      Now you’re a Christian

    • My favorite detail of the story was that he originally converted to Mormonism, but was put off by the Masonic imagery, and ended up writing a book criticizing Mormonism.

      • kilgoretrout

        Maybe he should go atheist – he can’t seem to decide.

        • The Librarian

          You can be an atheist and still be a Jew, it’s a culture thing.

          • Skeptical_thinker

            My wife, her brother and their father (a Cantor). All Jews, all atheists.

          • The Librarian

            My dad and I :D

    • Ghenghis McCann

      But he’s Jew-ish.

      • Oblios_Cap

        I’ll bet the Moores told Polack jokes whenever he was around.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          ‘Just funnin’ you.’

  • Michael R

    Trump learned his ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ( deny ) routine
    from his very evil mentor Roy Cohn

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/14f775745fa6a800bc1995708e248915d7ee8025290985e47687bf953ad3d7a7.jpg

    • Nounverb911

      But only until Roy got HIV and donnie dropped him like a rock.

      • Michael R

        Sad

        • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

          Weak.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        “I only like disgusting pieces of shit who didn’t die of AIDS.”

      • Carpe Vagenda

        In fairness, at that point Cohn was well on his way to being bankrupt, was disbarred for being a rancid thug who used his political connections to try to fend off responsibility for the money he stole from his clients, and his townhouse was rotting like Grey Gardens, so it’s not as if Trump necessarily realized there was something wrong.

        • kareemachan

          No, but it was only then that he “cared”….

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Just think about how history might have been changed for the better if they had died together in a fiery car voting accident about 40 years ago.

  • Suttree

    Jump jump jump you cute little thing!

  • Jeffery Campbell

    I think it would be Especially Nice Time if your precious cute zoo videos featured zookeeper Carson Jones, whom we are NOT objectifying, because that is NOT who we are.

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    Note to Devin Nunes: Dossier now irrelevant; find new angle.

  • Nounverb911
    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Did Trump make him order burnt steak over the phone?

      • puredog

        Meat loaf.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Again?!?

    • kilgoretrout

      So Romney is not going to be a Trump antagonist? What a supreme worm licker.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Truly a lion, that one.

      • coozledad

        He wants to be the backdoor president. He’ll suck that corpsemeat to the bone to fulfill his “prophecy”.

        Looking more and more like Stalin is effectively dead.

      • ltmcdies
      • miss_grundy

        Didn’t he learn anything from his humiliation the last time he met with Dotard? What a maroon!

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    That twee Klipspringer is a messy milk-drinker.

  • Suttree

    Paul LePage needs to be struck by a meteor! I am sorry Wonkette, but it is true!

    • NorthernSaber

      It’s way worse to see it close up, believe me!

      • Suttree

        I believe you!

    • kareemachan

      I lost much respect for Mainiacs for voting this asshat in.

      • Suttree

        I lived in Portland for a year.

      • John Thorstensen

        Paul LeP is EXHIBIT A of the idiocy of splitting the sane vote. That’s how he was elected, I believe.

        • NorthernSaber

          Spot on. He got 39%.

    • Notreelyhelping

      Maybe he already has; might explain a few things.

  • Nounverb911
    • Major^3 Andre

      I thought a Sloppy Steve was like a circle jerk, but with diarrhea.

    • arglebargle

      or porn

    • Msgr_MΩment

      The child molester of school lunch sandwiches.

      • therblig

        comes with candy?

    • Jimh

      It’s actually just a sloppy Joe, but instead of a carton of milk you get a pint of Gin.

      • You need way more upfists for this.

    • cmd resistor

      I confess it took me a few minutes to figure out who Sloppy Steve was.

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        Bannon or Miller or Mnuchin? Oh my!

    • BreakingDeadMen

      It’s actually a cocktail, 3 parts pure ethyl alcohol mixed with 2 parts Monster energy drink and 1 part Gonococci

    • Red Richmond

      You don’t want to know where the special sauce on top comes from.

  • Resistor Radio

    Dangit! My pipes froze again overnight. (I stupidly and accidentally turned the tap all the way off last night…grrrr!).

    But today is Day 11 no tobacco inhalants!

    • Blackest Noobs

      could be worse. the water main on street directly behind my house broke.
      i assume by tonight im roping it off and charging for ice skating.

      luckily the river of water just ruined my yard ( the slope of my property goes right)…my neighbor next to me….not so lucky…possible foundation damage.

      • Resistor Radio

        Oh that does suck for your neighbor. At least the kiddos on the block will have some fun with all the ice

    • arglebargle

      Congrats and stay strong. I’ve done more than my share of drugs over the years, and nicotine was by far the hardest to kick. You’re through the worst. It does will get to the point where you don’t even think about it anymore.

      • Resistor Radio

        Thank you! I think what makes nicotine so hard to quit is how easy it is to slip up, buy a pack, bum a smoke, it’s everywhere, it’s relatively cheap, and your brain is like “hey, c’mon, what’s one puff? You deserve it!” and then you’re like “fuck you brain, don’t be an asshole, I see what you’re doing!” and then brain is all “what? Me? Why are you being so sensitive? You’re really annoying, Christ, go have a cigarette or something,” and then you think “oh god, Brain’s right, I’m a terrible pers— Hey! Quit fucking with me, Brain!” and then you go eat something.

        I call that Quitting Smoking in One Act

    • Me not sure

      Fly free!

    • Canned Covfefe

      It’s hard to not do what you do any number of times a day!

      I used to have to but very big notes by every faucet or tie scaps of fabric then change them around every day or two so I wouldn’t stop noticing them. Otherwise I was outside with propane torch carefully warming pipes and hoping I didn’t burst them.
      Also congrats on no tobacco inhalants!!

    • Red Richmond

      Bummer about the pipes (and that is putting it mildly), but dude, awesome about day 11! You’re doing great, keep it up!

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/84286d21c93fbb3fcbfa28a06546a11785f3dac61a4898af9d2cf58745d395cd.jpg

  • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

    Wait what? The Lincoln Park Zoo has an actual babby *jackalope*?!

    • From Russia with Love

      And a fur bearing trout.

  • Nounverb911

    Such a good friend donnie was….
    https://twitter.com/Taniel/status/949094811574947840

    • kilgoretrout

      Psychopath with dementia going through second childhood has finger on his big button.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      McKay Coppins reported? Seriously? Does that man have no shame at all? That’s straight out of Wayne Barrett’s book.

    • therblig

      the fact that he would be friends with cohn in the first place shows he’s a scumbag. that he would drop him when hiv+ just shows that he’s an even bigger scumbag.

  • arglebargle

    First birth of spring? Am I missing something? *looks outside*

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
  • Oblios_Cap

    Maine Republican Gov. Paul LePage

    Won’t someone please feed this guy to the lobsters?
    With votes, of course.

    • bupkus231

      Do lobsters like votes???

      • Jimh

        Only the Republican ones.

  • WeaselPoo

    Joe Scarborough says that to anyone who has spent time with Trump, the Fire and Fury book “rings true”.
    You think? Plus it rings true to any sane person who has simply paid attention to the news about Trump since he launched his presidential campaign.
    But then Scarborough also says:
    There are so many things in the book that we’ve said on this show over the past several years, and people have been shocked and stunned and deeply saddened in the White House that we’ve said those things and they’re written out on the page exactly how we said it,”

    The fuck you say, Joe? YEARS?!!
    Bullshit. Trump is not yet at 1 year in the office that YOU HELPED HIM TO OCCUPY, and it was only after he insulted Mika that you started bleating about Trump’s mental state and fitness for office. Fuck off Joe.

    • From Russia with Love

      Indeed.

    • insolenttomato

      In Scarborough-land, “years” means “the latter half of 2016 to 1-5-2017.” Meanwhile, outlets like Wonkette and “Full Frontal” have been covering everything from Russian hackers to his semi-literacy to his lake house in dementia-town. Eff off, Scarborough.

  • What the hell is going on here? Trump can’t walk his ass down the hall to the briefing room? Who does he think he is, the Wizard of Oz?

    A feeble old man behind the curtain who’s pretty impotent once you can see beyond the grandiose facade? Yeah I can actually buy that.

    • cmd resistor

      Wizard of Oz guy was smarter, though.

      • Canned Covfefe

        And much, much, MUCH, nicer.

    • Yellerduck

      They’re trying to hide the piss smell.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The Marine Corps is phasing out hundreds of grunts in favor of geeks

    I guess we’ll be seeing a lot of new cops on the beat soon.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Putin stole a march on us with some new com and jam tech in Syria, not to mention his devastating cyber warfare attack against our election. Time to retool and regroup. I doubt if we heard the worst.

      • From Russia with Love

        I think our problem is a cyber command that is thinking strategically, while we are having our asses handed to us tactically.

    • WeaselPoo

      Semper IF_THEN ?

      • Oblios_Cap

        IF_THEN_ELSE

  • Maclare’s Bodega o’ Crap 🏪

    OT: hello and good morning Wonkers.

    Today is my goddanm BIRTHDAY!

    I will have cake and beer and then more cake. Also more beer.

    All I ask is for it not to suck too badly. Realistic diminished expectations, yo. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8139b8e723adbf3676b1cc477dd9f3f8a3fde4e4e7b22adf68ca409ea4ef4687.gif

  • VirginiaHighFiber

    On a happy note, the stress that’s killing us is also making the GOP bugfuk crazy. Watching them melt down is fun. Now we need a staffer to replace the diet coke with Zapp cola or some other cola flavored energy drink. Meth in the ice cream is illegal so I can’t suggest it.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Jolt Cola Libelz!1!11

  • Oblios_Cap

    Did Trump need two screens so that he could twice as incoherent?

    • bbayliss

      “Louis Carroll,I’d like you to meet Mr. Orwell.”

  • Oblios_Cap

    Yesterday the State Department announced it was cutting off almost all US security aid to Pakistan labeling it a “country of particular concern,”

    I can only imagine that the rest of the world labels us the same way.

  • Bright Bart

    how many hectares in a terabyte?

    • WeaselPoo

      5 furlong amps. Duh!

    • La Cieca

      5:00 PM the next day.

    • Courser_Resistance

      16 Teraflops

    • Ghenghis McCann

      AOT, K.

    • Red Richmond

      1.21 gigawatts.

    • TakingAmes

      12 parsecs.

    • puredog

      “In the next couple of weeks.”

  • Jimh

    I really believe they had to do it by video feed because there was a GIANT TELEPROMPTER just out of frame. And they didn’t want him to take any follow-ups, which I imagine he could not resist if in person. What a President.

  • La Cieca
    • From Russia with Love

      Like a Summer’s Eva.

      • coozledad

        She could use a Bathory.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          She’s Hungarian for power.

    • Jimh

      Evitain’t

    • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

      Don’t cry for me, I’m in jail now!

    • Snowbound Ron

      She looks even more Barbie-like than usual in this image.

    • Doug Langley

      Why is she slapping that guy?

    • miss_grundy

      Ummmm, no!

  • therblig
  • ken_kukec

    “Who does he think he is, the Wizard of Oz? Zordon?”

    Big Orange Brother?

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Talk about delusional. Ivanka thinks she’s Lisa Simpson.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtparSnQhFc

  • Machnethylsteinerbincolabird

    “After one of the sources in Fire and Fury talked some shit about Trump, his people told Axios that they might “You’re Fired” her from a pro-Trump PAC, which is hilarious since that is a new proposal to cut ACA insurance requirements.”

    …what…?

    • PubOption

      I suspect that a sentence and a link are missing.

  • calliecallie

    OT, but jealous of all my east coast homies and their snow days, I took the day off work unexpectedly. I am having much trouble getting back into the swing or reality after the holidays.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Don’t go into the box, Klipspringer! It’s a TARP!

  • Lefty Wright

    I especially like the judge’s comment on ordering the release of banking records for Fusion GPS.

    “Although the records sought by the Subpoena are sensitive in nature — and merit the use of appropriate precautions by the Committee to ensure they are not publicly disclosed — the nature of the records themselves, and the Committee’s procedures designed to ensure their confidentiality, more than adequately protect the sensitivity of that information,”

    He must be joking. Nunes handling sensitive records appropriately? In Nunesworld, that means a copy goes immediately to Trump. Then it goes to the chop shop, where certain parts are selectively leaked publicly without the full context being released. Of course, the judge was a Bush appointee.

    • Then it goes to the chop shop Trump rants endlessly on the phone to his billionaire friends, who feel no duty of confidentiality.

      Fixed it for ya.

    • phoenix00

      Translation: “Fishing expedition? You? NAH UH.”

  • NotReallyHere

    I keep looking at that GIF. What is DOTUS saying that make SHS look back at the screen with a WTF look? She really looks surprised to me. Or maybe she just has one eye that can open, and it’s an illusion. I didn’t watch the briefing, because – just no.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      It was magically bizarre. I caught it on youtube, not in real time, after ithadbeen described and mocked unmercifully.

  • TundraGrifter

    If President Trump had shown up in person at the press briefing yesterday he would have been asked questions by the press.

    His minions will do anything to keep him from an open forum where just anybody – on camera – can ask him questions. If it’s going to be recorded he needs the questions in advance. Just ask Sheer InSannity.

  • (((Aron)))

    They are phasing out the Infantry Assault MOS? Wow. I mean. Just. Wow.

    I understand the need for more Nerdlingers (I am one), but MOS 0351 is really the core of the Corps, as far as I can tell.

    • John Thorstensen

      C’mon. Didn’t they take Iwo Jima by scrambling the Japanese’ internet connections? Once they couldn’t binge-watch old TV shows, the fanatical Japanese resistance simply crumbled. Or so I’ve been told.

      • (((Aron)))

        The Strategic Bombing Survey says you are closer to reality than you may realize. Though I disagree with it regarding the claim that the Japanese leadership would have surrendered prior to the atomic bombardment of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

  • rosenbomb

    Just a PSA: I’ve seen the word “retard” thrown around here as an insult in the past few weeks. This is not okay. It is offensive to people with disabilities and developmental delays. I will politely comment to someone about why that language is not okay the next time I see it, but c’mon people…we are better than using the r-word as a slur. I’ve also seen far better insults around here, so I KNOW we can do better ;)

    • Transgender Fetus McGoo

      Seconded. We can do better.

    • TundraGrifter

      You are 100% correct! Earlier on Wonkette I suggested “Retread.” As another commentator pointed out, they are thin-skinned and likely to explode at any moment. I added they are cheap. “Retread” is a much better word – if I do say so myself. And I do.

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      I haven’t seen it, but I’m pretty sure it is against the commenting rules, or it would be if commenting was allowed.

    • Lefty Wright

      A idiot works better. Although technically, it could mean the same thing. And we can always go with the word fool. Which is probably a better description of the Republicans.

      • insolenttomato

        Especially if we yell “you fool!” like Gilbert Gottfried on Hollywood Squares.

      • Tania

        Turn to the English / Scottish or Irish for some fabulous terms such as Idjit – accent making it all the better.

    • Snowbound Ron

      What if I’m talking about adjusting the spark timing on the car?

      • rosenbomb

        If used correctly in the mechanical sense, then there’s no problem! ;)

    • phoenix00

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sikGj2flLB8

      This one ought to be ok… although funny to those not in the know :)

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    I am only asking questions.

    a) my guess is that, because he only lets Ivanka touch his things, all his suits had grease stains and Diet Coke all over them so they found the suit with the least stains on it and put him in front of a camera rather than subjecting the press briefing room to “OMG! THE SMELL!” because they did not want the FAKE NEWS reporting on that rather than their “agenda”. was there anal leakage? well, he does eat McDonald’s constantly.

    b) are they going to send President Bannon hunting with Dick Cheney?

    c) can you really call negotiations “talks” if they are more like trading insult bombs at high volume than talking?

    d) do the Republicans not know that Elizabeth Warren is insanely popular with all kinds of lefties? do they think that POTUS calling her “Pocahontas” on a regular basis has diminished her support? have they seen this video and think that they can use it to convince temporarily embarrassed millionaires that she is trying to steal their imaginary Ameros because it upsets President Shitstains that she’s suggesting that he didn’t get rich on his own or that he should not be able to pay it forward merely by passing his illgotten gain off to his semen? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htX2usfqMEs

    e) a DC conspiracy theory put forth by the alt-trolls that doesn’t include pizza or a basement?

    f) which slogan is better?
    LORAX 2020: I SPEAK FOR THE WEED!
    or
    FRANKIE SEX LORAX!
    we may get bumper stickers.

    • Lefty Wright

      One bit of advice for Liz, though. Lay off Hillary. She is not, and has never been, the enemy. Playing that card will lose you more support than it will win you.

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        I don’t have a direct line to Elizabeth Warren.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      LORAX 2020: I SPEAK FOR THE WEED! has my vote. I’d buy a t-shirt.

    • Hey!

      That joint ain’t a microphone.
      https://i.imgflip.com/2278hi.jpg

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        you are amazing.

  • Ergoetal

    Can anyone look dumber than Sarah whats-her-name while waiting for Trump to hand it back over?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Flat earthers and sane people agree that night and day exist, they just differ on how it happens. Likewise, people of every political persuasion can agree that Sessions sucks and should resign in disgrace, though for entirely different reasons.

  • george lastrapes

    I seem to remember a magazine rant by Wm. S. Burroughs on the ’68 Republiconvention, where he imagines the nominee is a reanimated Purple-Assed Babboon controlled by animatronic cables or somesuch.
    Swiftian and vicious. Won’t somebody find it?

  • sosuume
  • jaspersdad

    Marijuana may interfere with the precious pharmaceutical industry and we cannot have that in Trumpland, where the corporation is king.

  • Snowbound Ron

    So, does Donnie think he can hole up on the top floor of Trump Tower like Howard Hughes and president from there? Was this a dry run?

  • Khavrinen

    “Your editrix says her money is on CGI Trump whose robot voice ain’t learned to inflect yet.”

    “Have you tried turning it off and back on again? Or better yet, in Trump’s case, just don’t bother turning it back on…”

  • ContextIsKey

    “It’s so cold outside it’s raining lizards” is the kind of thing you can only hear in Florida. These aren’t the cute palm sized guys you can hold in one hand. These are 4 ft long terrors with claws that can tear up a dog pretty good. Damn, I miss Florida. https://www.wsls.com/inside-edition/its-raining-lizards-in-chilly-florida-where-even-animals-cant-deal-with-the-cold

    • Only dumb people think FLA is “tropical”. Hell, where I’m at right now is closer to the equator than Key West and I still use 1-2 blankets at night in the “winter”, brrr.

  • puredog
    • Doesn’t look a day over a 100. Does he walk his sheep everyday in the Arizona sun?!?!?

  • alpacapunchbowl

    That LA Times letter has got me all “Storm the barricades you sunzabitchez!!”
    Good stuff.

  • Trump finally finds out who leaked from the White House….

    And, perhaps most amusingly, we get an answer to the question that has long enraged Trump: the identity of the mystery leaker behind the stream of stories of White House chaos and fratricidal dysfunction that have appeared since he took office. It turns out that the president rants endlessly on the phone to his billionaire friends, who feel no duty of confidentiality. In other words, the leaker Trump seeks is … himself.
    https://media.giphy.com/media/ZlaqdCWYmAePK/giphy.gif

  • phoenix00

    > Republicans are desperately hoping Elizabeth Warren will run in 2020 so they can label her a dirty Commie for beating up all the poor, innocent corporations.

    The new boogey(wo)man, same as the old boogey(wo)man.

    Oh the GOP are still completely devoid of policy, rest assured.

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