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We are sorry to tell you, taxpayers of America, that Blake Farenthold, the weird creepy disgraced Congressman who had us foot the bill for the sexual harassment suit he had to settle with a staffer, turns out to not be a man of unimpeachable integrity! Is this perhaps why he’s the subject of Ethics Committee investigations? Probably!

You may perhaps remember finding out that there was a thing called the Office of Compliance, and that the not-at-all-dystopically-named office handles workplace violations for Congressional offices, and that’s how we wound up using the public purse to pay out an $84,000 settlement to a woman who was harassed by her boss. We remind you that said boss is this guy pictured above, and that frankly we think (which we have a right to, given that we pay taxes and shit and so we are allowed to complain about too little spending on important and worthy causes) that she should have gotten twice as much at least. We are upset that the settlement was not adequate.

When everyone found out about this office and the settlement, of course, the rapey rep promised to PERSONALLY put a check into Paul Ryan’s hot little hands (though of course this wouldn’t be an admission of anything, he’s still saying this whole thing is just silly!)

and then …

He didn’t put a check in Paul Ryan’s hot little hands, because he wants to see what Congress might do with something called the Congressional Accountability Act. The changes under consideration are, for once, good? Like they’re trying to ensure that victims are fairly treated and that there’s someone whose job will be ensuring that’s the case? We are not sure why those changes would have anything to do with whether Farenthold should repay his settlement money! But hey, it’s 2018 and who knows what the hell that scamp Ryan will get up to this session, so we assume that the super-ethical disgraced Congressman is hoping the GOP will save him from having to literally pay for his own mistakes!

We here at yr Wonkette would like to remind you that this is why we’re still feminists, because only a dude could get away with this bullshit. We also have a theory that Rep. Farenthold is Making America Great Again by being griftier than any of the Trumps so that they look better by comparison.

It seems as likely as any other possibility.

[CNN]

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  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    Ghostbusters libel.

  • msanthropesmr
    • Judith Maryse

      HIDE PIC! HIDE!!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Really needs those spoiler tags around the pic. Because the pic spoils your lunch, dinner, and breakfast, and tomorrow’s lunch, too.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        i always focus on the lady – it’s like i can’t even SEE him…and his ugly face… in his ducky pajamas…DAMN YOU!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I used to like the idea of pajama parties.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Rubber dicky, you’re so small.
      I don’t think you’re even there at all.
      Rubber dicky, whatever became of…..You?

    • Fartknocker

      I hate the internet!

      The young woman to the left of Blake FatFolds

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    I’m sure Paul Ryan will hold him accountable right away.

    Yeah, I thought we could all use a good, bitter laugh…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6cdbac5fa80250a4e659fbe4567705e83a405fe2d3b3e3dcfda6f07ac52449d5.jpg

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The same Paul Ryan who’s providing support to known traitor Devin Nunes? That Paul Ryan?

  • TJ Barke

    I hate republicans.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      it really is hard to imagine a group of people more despicable

      I would say “only the Nazis were worse” but the fucking GOP contains actual Nazis so… I dunno

      • Oblios_Cap

        The Nazis were pretty open about what they really believed. The GOP, not so much.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”

        Hold my beer.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      But the rest of us here are such big fans!

    • BearGHAZI

      Everyone appreciates your succinct vitriol TJ

  • Ghenghis McCann
    • cmd resistor

      Also, too, “misrepresentations, and sources that don’t exist.”

  • memzilla Ω

    Wouldn’t you think a guy worth six million simoleons could afford better teeth? Unless “gap-toothed sex pest” is the descriptor he’s happy with.
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4ddf4f421a5f6a3949232a1d46d4719ce6bacd9936f68dddb9a255054a11b931.jpg

    • Oblios_Cap

      And maybe liposuction and plastic surgery.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      +1 for “sex pest”

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      I thought that, too. Hell, I’m nearly a hundredaire and I can afford better teeth.

    • jeffg166

      He’s a babe magnet. Babes like that look according to him.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Here’s a clip of Farenthold pre-makeup.

    https://i.imgur.com/RTesbW9.gif

    • Jo Mathie

      Are you sure it’s pre-makeup? Can’t see much of a difference…

      • MynameisBlarney

        A little pancake makeup a toupee and a suit will work wonders with the right lighting.

    • Ellie

      I dunno….looks a lot like Paul LePage to me.

  • JaveyDay

    Fart or hold? Fart or hold? The risk is clear: a shart so bold.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Isn’t complete fuckery measured in ‘Degrees Fartenhold’?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      It’s an anagram of the original French name: Fart-en-hold.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    There’s oleaginous slime, and then there’s Blake Farenthold.

    • Oblios_Cap

      McDonalds had to do something with all that pink slime.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Rules are for the rest of us. Things like paying your bills, paying them on time, and never defaulting are not the rules multi-millionaires live by.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      ‘Only little people pay taxes.’

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Why is this man not in the Cabinet yet?

    • Raan

      Trump didn’t want any competition in the executive branch.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        ‘Swinging from the executive branch.’

        • Enter Ranting

          Swinging as in “Drumpf is a shaved orangutan,” or that he’s hung himself from one of his oversized, bargain bin polyester ties?

  • Crank Tango

    Wow, I see the Six Million Dollar man sure has suffered under the effects of inflation. https://thumbs.gfycat.com/ExcellentPowerlessBobwhite-max-1mb.gif

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Trump: “Lowest unemployment rate in 17 years”

    Trudeau: “Hold my beer”

    http://business.financialpost.com/news/economy/canadas-unemployment-rate-declines-to-lowest-in-four-decades

    • TJ Barke

      When did it go from Obama’s “fake” employment level to Trump’s “real” employment level?

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Jan. 20, 2017.

  • goonemeritus

    To be fair compared to Trump, the Congressman is a veritable Pope Francis when it comes to harassment.

  • BearGHAZI

    HEY! Trying to masturbate at work here!

    • Ghenghis McCann

      It’s OK, nobody saw anything. We’ll just close the door and go away.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      That would explain the rubber gloves and the carnauba wax.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Still wondering about the belt sander though.

        • BearGHAZI

          Some like it rough

          • MynameisBlarney

            Sure, but 8 grit?

        • TakingAmes

          Ouch! Chafing!

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      Maybe try Googling “Michelin Man Porn” to cleanse your palate.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    you don’t get to be a multimillionaire by paying your money to settle your sexual harassment lawsuits – DJT

  • Baconzgood

    This dude is begging for one of Baconzgood’s patented cock punches*

    *patent pending.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    “Due to illness, the part of Rep. Blake Farenthold will be played tonight by the bloated corpse of Ernest Borgnine.”

  • kareemachan

    This guy is uglier than amoeba shit, inside and out.

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    This is all nonsense. He was named Employee of the Month in December. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/da955af1f2a67d0fc338e2f4e95b00d0f12cfcbd66a29b29caa335722b49b6a1.jpg

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Space Cowboy?

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Yeah, that’s a pompatuse on his head

      • William

        Sometimes the Dr. of love.

  • The Librarian

    Farenthold said what he thought sounded good, but his intent was less than worthy of the words coming out of his pie-hole. Faker thoughts were never thunk.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Can we just drop the en from his name and call him Farthold henceforward? Thanks.

    • James Baskin

      Fartenholden?

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Fartenholden: retaining gas until you have the opportunity to hotbox a VW

  • Indiepalin

    This is the same guy who plays Assface on AMC’s The Preacher.

    • Unsaintific

      I strongly condemn comparing this Jabba the Hut reject to Assface.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Shit, Alfred E. Newman has really let himself go.

  • goonemeritus

    If Blake had to write a 84k check to every secretary he harassed, before you knew it he wouldn’t be able to afford his personal trainer or gym membership.

    • anomie

      ooh so mean…. I like it.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Farenthold looks like the missing link. Between what two things, I have no idea.

  • Beaufighter

    “Rapey rep”

    That’s it folks, that’s the best internet today. Everyone go home and try again tomorrow.

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    a) Congressman Duckie Pajamas libel. you should never post a photo of Blake Farenthold that is not from this party.
    http://blakespajamas.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/3.jpg

    b) I doubt the GOP is interested in bailing him out since he amassed 6 primary opponents before asking to be removed from the ballot as he is no longer running–but it does beg the question of why he is not using his remaining campaign funds to reimburse Congress since he can and he doesn’t have anything to use them for anymore unless he’s going to run as an Independent against Ted Cruz.

    c) Farenthold is not above board? I am for shocked!

  • Anne Of Green Bagels

    Blakey can always work as a pajama model.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Meanwhile, I just watched an elected Prosecuting Attorney throw a tantrum because a judge refused to force a clearly mentally ill homeless guy to reimburse the county for the cost of a public defender in a public urination case.

    • Good. Piss on him.

    • PubOption

      Was the attorney auditioning for a job with Trump?

      • William

        Ha,ha. Good one. Urine rare form today.

        • amrak63

          It’s comedy gold!

    • William

      What kind of prosecutor brings something like that to trial?

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        No trial. He wanted the guy to cough up $150 after he pleaded guilty as charged.

        • William

          …and for that he needed a public defender? Back when all fish and game violations in this state were misdemeanors, I knew of a judge who called the DA, and defense council into his chambers and say. “I am NOT seating a jury for a too short trout”. Sometimes it’s just better to file the case and move on.

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            Some prosecutors don’t have enough to do.

          • mardam422

            Running for office as a Republican in 3…2…1….

      • Lefty Wright

        The same type of prosecutor that sandbags on a police shooting trial. Ever wonder why almost all of those trials end up not guilty. Few are ever hung jury mistrials, and even fewer are guilty verdicts.

      • sarafina

        Was this in Alabama?

      • Paul

        A typical one.

  • William

    Hopefully this story and the possibility of going through life fat, drunk and stupid will compel him to pay up. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e02af1a289f51105312937996ce2b59edcd9f77bd4b65fec30de48ebc58dddca.png

    • Pisto75666

      I don’t think history supports it.

  • motmelere

    To be fair, he might still be waiting for payment from Han Solo; that guy keeps dumping Blake’s cargo at the first sight of an imperial cruiser.

  • Ninja0980

    Why is this Jabba the Hut reject still in Congress?

    • amrak63

      The same reason the GOP ever rose to its current position of (hopefully soon to vanish) pre-eminence:
      our country’s depressingly abundant population of Stupid White Folks, a group which includes both the GOP voters and the Voluntary Non-Voters Who Just Can’t Vote For Anyone Who Isn’t Their Chosen Magical Unicorn Pony.

      No, I don’t mean Twilight Sparkle.
      https://i.imgur.com/RaMVAEs.gif

  • elviouslyqueer

    Y’know, I’ve heard a lot of talk about Obese Scumsucking Fartsacks, but I’ve never actually seen a picture of one.

    Until today.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      I thought he was a Corpulent Fartsucking Scumsack, myself. Of course, even experts find it difficult to tell the two apart at times.

      • hammstring

        They all look alike to me

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Jesus. He looks like the monster from a 60’s Filipino horror movie:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/776273e72ed8b77f38e7a9f0cd11a1cf264c0a67c5e9fc475d27a40281854e82.jpg

  • Pisto75666

    When everyone found out about this office and the settlement, of course, the rapey rep promised to PERSONALLY put a check into Paul Ryan’s hot little hands.

    Was he wearing his duckie jammies at the time?

  • Lefty Wright

    But, but, but, I got a great stock tip in my committee assignment and wanted to put that into shorting a company we are getting ready to put the screws to. Pleeeeeassseee give me a few more weeks.

  • cheetojeebus

    I’m just a few bottle caps away from owning one of these beauties. Guess which one I’m going to get!
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d125f36b14c4fd296261e6c462255da3c5a1541d2a75cbd9d50666963f701125.jpg

    • anomie

      I really see him as more of the Fred Flintstone type than Bozo, both in evolution and body type.

    • Red Bird

      Bullwinkle

    • BreakingDeadMen

      I nominate Trump for Bam-Bam

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Nunes for Bat-Man

  • Swampay

    Is it ok to judge men-folk on their looks? ‘Cause this clown looks like a pervy motherfucker.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Just because that pervy motherfucker looks like a pervy motherfucker doesn’t mean that he isn’t a pervy motherfucker.

    • Nenatopia

      Pervy motherfuckers look all kinds of different ways. You can’t tell by looking who is or isn’t a pervy motherfucker. I have a friend who looks a lot like this guy who is neither pervy nor a motherfucker.

      I am sensitive about this because prior to getting my hair de-longed a few years back, I resembled Kim Davis to an uncomfortable degree.

  • sarafina

    I called Blakey’s office yesterday and asked why he had not paid the money back. The snippy young man on the other end said it was because there was no process to do that. I knew better, and told him. What a looooozer.

    • hammstring

      Processes include cash, check, money order, paypal….

      • phoenix00

        Don’t even need Square!

    • Red Bird

      Was that snippy young man named Tommy?

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Brad, most likely.

        • Red Bird

          No. I’ve met him. It’s Tommy. Well dressed for Texas standards.

        • JustDon’tSayHolidays

          Are we still Mad At Brad?

          • WomanInThePersistence

            We have always been at war with Brad.

      • Tony Prost

        probably chad! the incel’s nightmare!

      • SDGeoff3

        Or Trevor, or Tyler?

  • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

    I thought Texas was against Hollywood Elites and whatnot.
    It seems hypocritical that they would elect Chet from Weird Science.

  • IdiotsforPalin

    Six million? You’d think he’d get that rotted tooth fixed…..and liposuction

    • thixotropic jerk

      Then where would he put the straw when he sucks up all those McFrosty McShakes?

    • wait! what?

      There’s liposuction for teeth?!

  • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

    Can we please pixellate out his face the same way one does for unclothed genitals?

    My boss might walk by when I’m reading this.

  • This repulsive cretin would never make it in the private sector.

    • Iam Reading

      ,,,,,,having already failed in the public sector.

  • James Baskin

    I’m thinking he just let go of a fart in that photo.

    • SDGeoff3

      And then pointed to Trump.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Farenthold 451 lbs.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      The weight at which boners die

  • Marsupial99

    #PayTheFuckUp

    • blaid droog

      HE should pay for the fuck up.

    • phoenix00

      Clap Clap Clap-Clap-Clap

  • JaveyDay

    After many nights of intense experimentation, Paul Ryan, Donald Trump and Devin Nunes determined that Farenthold 45.1 is the temperature at which their farts burn.

  • thixotropic jerk

    Very surprised he got docked for harrassmenting, I mean, with so many chins to choose from, who wouldn’t want to cuddle up with him in onesie PJs and tickle him? #HOLDMYFARTSFARTERHOLD

  • La forza del resistino
  • Jon Sussex

    Six-millionaire…or sex-millionaire? Making America Grifty Again!

  • Bitter Scribe

    If he pays out of his own pocket, he won’t have enough left for an implant to fill in that missing tooth.

    • KenTFM

      And if he does there will be a serious shortage in material to build tRump’s imaginary wall

  • beatbort

    Slap a couple of jumbo-sized hand cuffs on his hairy wrists and cart him off to jail until he complies. God damn. This is so fucked up.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That’s no good. His tiny hands would slip out immediately.

  • Manhattan123

    This fat fuck should have to pay $84,000 to everyone in America who saw that ducky pajamas picture.

    • Mike

      I still have a bit of double vision from that shot…

  • FlownΩver

    I forget – wasn’t he Shitmuffin Runner-up? Surely so, if there’s any justice in anything associated with Congress (there is no justice in anything associated with Congress).

  • Mike

    A six millionaire with a big ol missing tooth right in front…is that banjo music I hear in the background…?

    • pd1648

      Paddle fast!

  • blaid droog

    I know xmas season is over but I would still like to see his chestnuts roasted over an open fire. I don’t care if Jack Frost nips at his nose or not.

  • azeyote

    first he should loosen his tie – you can’t cut off the circulation of blood to your brain and think right – then maybe with some clarity restored he’ll pay up, apologize, and go away quietly –

  • Zyxomma

    I thought the ducky pajama photo was obligatory. Down with this sort of thing, indeed.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Pajamas is expensive. The little yellow duckies alone could break him.

  • WhoCheckedRussia’sVoterID

    There has never been, in the history of history, a judgement of 84K because “oops, misunderstanding!” Never. There are calls, emails, texts…you know…evidence, all pointing to the fact that this guy is a pig. And, of course, the ducky pajama photo…GUILTY!

    So 84K of taxpayer money was spent to make this guy’s disgusting behaviour go away. This pig said he would “do the right thing” and pay it back. He didn’t, citing some as yet to be determined act of congress.

    How THIS guy is still getting paid by the taxpayer but Franken is out makes me shake my head.

  • Donna Mueller

    blake has that fat bag of shite look that most wimmens are smitten with!!! grrrrls! don’t let this one get away!!!!

  • pd1648

    The most ridiculous clowns in Congress. Farenthold and Gohmert. On behalf of my fellow citizens in the Great State of Texas, please, please forget you ever heard of these guys — as if that were possible.

    We’re not all red; we’re just drawn that way.

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