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Two South Carolina Republicans had an idea. Rep. Bill Chumley of Woodruff and Rep. Mike Burns of Taylors — likely tired of being told by liberals like us that their monuments to that war they started so they could keep black people as slaves are somehow racist — thought they finally figured out way for them to honor the Confederacy in a way that no one could call racist!

How? By honoring all the black soldiers who bravely fought in this war that definitely had everything to do with “states’ rights” and definitely nothing to do with keeping them as slaves. They were going to build a big, beautiful monument right at the statehouse — one that no one would dare tear down.

It would be a perfect monument to the great Lost Cause. A monument that would say “Hey liberals! Black people LOVED the Confederacy, ok? They thought it was awesome. Guess you are the ones who are racist, huh!”

Oh, boy, would that show us!

Alas, they hit a snag. As it turned out, they could not find any black Confederate soldiers to honor in their monument, because South Carolina did not have any.

The State newspaper reviewed pension records from 1923 that show three blacks claimed armed service in South Carolina units under the Confederacy. Two pensions were confirmed as cooks or servants, and none for armed service.

That didn’t surprise historian Walter Edgar at all.

“In all my years of research, I can say I have seen no documentation of black South Carolina soldiers fighting for the Confederacy. In fact, when secession came, the state turned down free (blacks) who wanted to volunteer because they didn’t want armed persons of color,” said Edgar, who spent 32 years as director of the University of South Carolina’s Institute for Southern Studies and is author of “South Carolina: A History.”

Any African-American who served in a Confederate unit in South Carolina was either a slave or an unpaid laborer working against his will, Edgar said.

WHOOPS! That sure is an awkward situation they’ve got there. But they still think they can make it work.

Chumley said his bill could honor any African-American who served in the Confederacy, whether they picked up a gun or not.

“We are all learning a lot. The purpose of the bill is education,” said Chumley, who filed a companion proposal to research the contributions of black people to the Confederacy in South Carolina and teach about their service in public schools.

“Celebrating” the contributions of anyone to the Confederacy is fucked up to begin with. “Celebrating” the contributions of black people — who by and large were “contributing” because they were forced to by the people who owned them — is extra fucked up.

That sort of “education,” by the way, is hardly anything new. Since the end of Reconstruction, Lost Causers have cherished the myth of black people who were supposedly all about the Confederacy and did not want things to change, who absolutely loved the white people who owned them — and even taught their adorable children to tap dance.

Meanwhile, two other South Carolina politicians (including one who is even a Republican!), have come up with a much better idea.

A separate proposal from Sen. Darrell Jackson, a black Democrat, and Sen. Greg Gregory, a white Republican, would memorialize Robert Smalls with the first monument on Statehouse grounds to honor an individual African-American. In 1862, Smalls hijacked a Confederate supply ship he worked on, steered his family to freedom and delivered the ammunition-laden vessel to the Union. He went on to become a state legislator and five-term congressman.

This, frankly, is beautiful and perfect and I hope it gets passed. After all, if all they are interested in is history and education, this shouldn’t bother them at all.

[GoUpstate]

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  • Parakeetist

    What an astonishingly bad idea.

    • Anarchy Unicorn

      Hey! If it weren’t for bad ideas some folks would have no ideas at all!

      • Skeptical_thinker

        That sums up the two of them.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Ain’t no stupid quite like SC GOP stupid.

    • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

      We can at least give them credit, in this instance, for not ignoring the plain truth and just making up some Happy Confederate Negro.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Like the famous monument for the Juden SS or the victims of the Bowling Green massacre or the Great victory of Cloud William over the Kohms.

  • Skeptical_thinker

    I’m sure that they were “certain” of their “facts” when they started planning the event.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Nah, I imagine they sincerely believed that all kinds of happy, dancing black folk signed up to perpetuate their own enslavement.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      And they had the “best” of “intentions”, what with their not having any sort of “racist agenda” in this historical revisionism, no sir.

  • Anne Of Green Bagels

    they all need to be required to wear helmets.

    • willi0000000

      . . . and handcuffs.

  • memzilla Ω

    “South Carolina: too small to be a country, too big to be an insane asylum.”

  • WotsAllThisThen
    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      to be totally honest – its the kind of frozen action that statues are good for.

      No, really.

  • Crank Tango

    They can just put up a statue of former sheriff Clerke then. He has all the medals already.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Senator Greg Gregory clearly does not want to be re-elected.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Representatives Chumley and Burns, rebels without a cause.

    • Doug Langley

      Rebels without a clue.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        They tried to play that game one time. They had a tough time following the rules…’cause rules don’t apply to white men in the south.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Tom Petty libel!!!

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      they represent Springfield and Shelbyville on TV!

    • weejee

      James Dean libel.

  • Jenny

    It shall be conveniently forgotten after the media stops reporting on it.

  • Spurning Beer

    About 10 or 12 years ago, driving up to New England on I-95, I saw a billboard at the South Carolina border that read, roughly, “Welcome to South Carolina. #1 in violence against women; #50 in funding for domestic violence prevention.”

    I was astonished to see that the South Carolinians had allowed that message to be displayed, and that they had not burned it down. (Not by then, at least.)

    Now, I can see that billboard as early evidence that in South Carolina, it has been possible to tell the truth. Sometimes.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    this is going to be one of the best stories of 2018…I love that last bit. Legacy, not hate, engh? How about the one who took up arms, took over your ship, gave it to the enemy and then used his eventual freedom to become a legislator – something that would have horrified the confe-duh-erates. i love it!

  • ariel_gee_398

    Letting reality get in the way of pursuing fruitless legislative goals? How can these men dare to call themselves Republicans?

  • Squeegee

    This reminds me if you have never read “Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All” it is a great book to read that was number one on the NYT best seller list for nine months in 1989.

    Maybe they can see if there are still any African American confederate widows collecting benefits from the federal, state or local government to parade in front of the cameras

    Alberta Martin who was an African American sharecropper’s daughter claimed to be the last confederate widow–she was a veteran herself who died in 2004–after marrying her late husband in 1927 when he was 87 and she was 27 and they had one kid–but there may be others still knocking around!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Melania will eventually snag that pension.

      • Squeegee

        I’m waiting for The Donald to physically explode like that guy in the Monty Python skit who was gorging himself on food…she just needs to feed him one more thin mint after his usual happy meal from McDonalds.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          She can wear that shiney dress thing to protect herself from the blast bits.

          • Squeegee

            Melania should be awarded the Nobel Prize next year for waking up next to that every day.
            I hope she sleeps in a separate bed to minimize the roll over risk.

          • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

            She deserves either the Nobel Peace Prize or a charge for accessory to treason.

          • Squeegee

            I think she is a Slovenian spy those Slovenians are very slippery

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Mr. Creosote!

      • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

        Later today, if prayer works.

  • La forza del resistino

    I’d say this ex-slave deserves at least a plaque for humor in uniform while serving HIS country.
    “‘A freed black slave in the Union Army saw his ex-owner being led away in chains as a prisoner and said to him, “Hello massa, bottom rail on top this time.”

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Now THAT deserves a statue.

      • Ducksworthy

        That rail may come in handy pretty soon too.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      That had to have been a pretty good day.

  • memzilla Ω

    Who knew that Trump University offered courses in American History?

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      And aviation also, too.

      • Ducksworthy

        Russia invented aviation.

        • willi0000000

          thank you Mr. Chekhov.

        • Querolous

          And nuclear wessels.

  • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

    Future GOP Ad:

    *sounds of gunfire and screaming*

    Ominous, deep voice: “Darrell Jackson and Greg Gregory – LIKE THAT’S EVEN A REAL NAME – want to memorialize a traitor – JUST LIKE HILLARY AND OBAMA AND BERGDAHL – who stole guns to deliver them to the enemy.”

    *shots of dark-skinned people holding guns*

    Ominous, deep voice: “Is that the kind of future you want for your children?”

    *shots of lily-white children running away and crying*

    Ominous, deep voice: “This election year, do you want to vote for establishment politicians who want a memorial to a hijacker – JUST LIKE THE 9/11 PEOPLE – who handed over weapons to the enemy so they could kill children JUST LIKE YOURS?!?!”

    *sudden switch to an idyllic scene with some fuckwad nodding sagely while talking to a police officer, a fireman, a Marine, a General, and a priest*

    Lighter, more hopeful voice: “Or do you want someone who will fight for you, for your children, who is beloved by police and veterans, who will bring back your jobs and kill all the taxes?”

    *shot of fuckwad touring a construction site with a hard hat on. sideways.*

    Lighter, more hopeful voice: “Vote Dumb Fuckwad for Congress. Making America … AMERICAN again.”

    • Opalescent Riddles

      What’s the over-under on this Poe being passed for real in the runnup to November 2018?

    • thixotropic jerk

      “Hey! I think I just found my ‘Bannon For Prez!’ TeeVee spot!”
      ~Steve “Easy On The Eyes” “NaziFuckface” “Never Met A Booze I Didn’t Just Slurp Down Until I Passed The Fuck Out” Bannon

  • goonemeritus

    Where are the monuments to the brave colonists who steadfastly defended King George?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Loyalist scum!

      • goonemeritus

        Hey, Hey, we prefer Tory scum.

        • coozledad

          They don’t teach us actual history. I guess because it takes a big grisly shit in the face of the founders.

          No one will ever know just how many runaways fled out of Yorktown before the fateful day on October 19 when the humiliated British army marched out to a solemn drumbeat, dressed in smart new uniforms but with their colors furled and the drums covered with black handkerchiefs. In asking for time to discuss terms, Cornwallis fully expected to negotiate with Washington to take his army back to England. In the face of Washington’s stern intransigence, all he could hope for was “good treatment during their captivity.” He could ask nothing for thousands of fugitive slaves who had joined him; they would have to look out for themselves as best they could. Reports from the French-American camp spoke of seeing “herds of Negroes” in the woods, and on entering Yorktown the victors found the place littered with the “sick and dying in every stage of small pox.” After such a long and brutal war, Cornwallis’s hope of decent treatment was in vain. The post-surrender environment was savage, with no compassion on offer. Within the battered garrison the wounded and sick “died like flies,” Ewald reported, because they were left without medicine or food. Amputated arms and legs lying on the bloodied ground were eaten by the dogs. “All hearts had turned to stone,” Ewald sorrowfully recalled. “ There was neither consolation nor money to be found and everyone was left to his own fate.” 6

          Cornwallis was known to have 4000 or 5000 black recruits at Yorktown and Portsmouth. Smallpox killed about sixty percent of those that caught the disease, but in this case some were inoculated against it, so perhaps half the runaways were spared, though wounds and typhus also took a huge toll. Maybe 2000 survived. It is impossible to establish what happened to them. A proportion of the survivors, perhaps half, must have been forced back into slavery.

          Freeeedom.

    • Squeegee

      They need a monument to Native American colonists who defended the king

    • Ducksworthy

      Their descendants are today’s GOP.

      • goonemeritus

        Not in the Northeast, My wife comes from an long line of Long Islanders. The original patriarch of which got a land grant from the crown. My understanding is they were loyalists during the revolution. Over the years they seem to have drifted left. They now revere FDR, the Kennedy’s and Obama and they seemed to have only a passing interest in todays royal family.

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      In Canada.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    They wanted to put it up next to the Confederate Statue of Liberty, erected to honor the many people of all races who voluntarily became slaves for the free house, medical care, guaranteed employment and other cushy benefits.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      For life.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste
  • beatbort

    My favorite S.C. black soldier was Jemmy, who led the Stono Rebellion in 1739,
    .Scared the shit out of “massuh”. Probably inspired Nat Turner, too.

  • weejee

    The War of Northern Aggression was not about slavery? Pshaw.

    Mississippi
    In the momentous step which our State has taken of dissolving its connection with the government of which we so long formed a part, it is but just that we should declare the prominent reasons which have induced our course.

    Our position is thoroughly identified with the institution of slavery– the greatest material interest of the world. Its labor supplies the product which constitutes by far the largest and most important portions of commerce of the earth. These products are peculiar to the climate verging on the tropical regions, and by an imperious law of nature, none
    but the black race can bear exposure to the tropical sun. These products have become necessities of the world, and a blow at slavery is a blow at commerce and civilization.

    South Carolina
    The people of the State of South Carolina, in Convention assembled, on the 26th day of April, A.D., 1852, declared that the frequent violations of the Constitution of the United States, by the Federal Government, and its encroachments upon the reserved rights of the States, fully justified this State in then withdrawing from the Federal
    Union; but in deference to the opinions and wishes of the other slaveholding States, she forbore at that time to exercise this right. Since that time, these encroachments have continued to increase, and further forbearance ceases to be a virtue.

    Virginia
    The people of Virginia, in their ratification of the Constitution of the United States of America, adopted by them in Convention on the twenty-fifth day of June, in the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and eighty-eight, having declared that the powers granted under the said Constitution were derived from the people of the United States,and might be resumed whensoever the same should be perverted to their injury and oppression; and the Federal Government, having perverted said powers, not only to the injury of the people of Virginia, but to the oppression of the Southern Slaveholding States.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Yeah, I always show Mississippi’s Declaration of Secession to people when they try that bullshit on me. See also: Cornerstone Speech by Alexander Stephens.

    • jesterpunk

      Also they put it in their constitution.

      http://avalon.law.yale.edu/19th_century/csa_csa.asp

      (17) To exercise exclusive legislation, in all cases whatsoever, over such district (not exceeding ten miles square) as may, by cession of one or more States and the acceptance of Congress, become the seat of the Government of the Confederate States; and to exercise like authority over all places purchased by the consent of the Legislature of the State in which the same shall be, for the . erection of forts, magazines, arsenals, dockyards, and other needful buildings; and

      (18) To make all laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into execution the foregoing powers, and all other powers vested by this Constitution in the Government of the Confederate States, or in any department or officer thereof.

      Sec. 9. (I) The importation of negroes of the African race from any foreign country other than the slaveholding States or Territories of the United States of America, is hereby forbidden; and Congress is required to pass such laws as shall effectually prevent the same.

      (2) Congress shall also have power to prohibit the introduction of slaves from any State not a member of, or Territory not belonging to, this Confederacy.

      (3) The privilege of the writ of habeas corpus shall not be suspended, unless when in cases of rebellion or invasion the public safety may require it.

      (4) No bill of attainder, ex post facto law, or law denying or impairing the right of property in negro slaves shall be passed.

      (5) No capitation or other direct tax shall be laid, unless in proportion to the census or enumeration hereinbefore directed to be taken.

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      the TX one says it like 26 times!

    • (Nasty Girl) Brianna #RESIST

      Fake news, duh.

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    when TX wanted to have a “black people in history did sometimes racist things, too” memorial, we made one for the Buffalo Soldiers. but we also included a Native American and had the descendants of the two they modeled the memorial after come all the little children how fucked up that period in our history was. it was, well, interesting.

    I fully support doing the latter, SC, since you didn’t have Buffalo Soldiers.

  • Michael Smith

    What about all of the statues of Hillary Clinton??!?1

  • Mavenmaven

    While Trump may believe he coined the term “fake news”, fake history has a long history with the GOP (remember David Barton?)

    • Ducksworthy

      Russia invented dezinformatsiya. Fox and the GOP just follow their spiritual leaders.

  • goonemeritus

    I will never understand why so few African Americans support todays Republican Party.

    • (Nasty Girl) Brianna #RESIST

      It’s certainly baffling, isn’t it?

      • goonemeritus

        It must be a messaging issue.

    • OutOfOrbit

      i will never understand why ANY do

      • (Nasty Girl) Brianna #RESIST

        Self hatred.

        • little miss high and mighty

          more convenient tee-times?

      • goonemeritus

        Last three elections polling put support at 2% with a possible polling error of plus or minus 3%. That would suggest the possibility of -1% support.

        • OutOfOrbit

          yeah but you do see’em spewing rwnj venom on the tv toob

          • goonemeritus

            I once managed a company who’s main product line was making mono-propellant and bi-propellant valves for spacecraft and satellite thrusters. The chemist that ran our plating line was a flat earther and believed the moon landing was a hoax.

          • thixotropic jerk

            Thank goodness their ideology didn’t get in the way of making a good high quality product!

          • goonemeritus

            Those landers that crashed into Mars were not our fault. JPL took the blame eventually.

          • thixotropic jerk

            Now you guys wouldn’t be the same company that made those O-rings for the space shuttle would you? Asking for a friend.

          • goonemeritus

            Nope, solid propellant is a whole different thing. The biggest thing we made was rated for about 200 Newton’s.

          • thixotropic jerk

            Oh ok that’s good. I was rated for 200 Newton’s once but I could only get down about 30 at a sitting; figs are filling!

          • goonemeritus

            You need to pace yourself and drink lots of milk.

          • FlownΩver

            That’s a lot of figs.

          • Lord Jim

            “At last I went to the artisans, for I was conscious that I knew nothing at all, as I may say, and I was sure that they knew many fine things; and in this I was not mistaken, for they did know many things of which I was ignorant, and in this they certainly were wiser than I was. But I observed that even the good artisans fell into the same error as the poets; because they were good workmen they thought that they also knew all sorts of high matters, and this defect in them overshadowed their wisdom”
            ― Plato, Apology

      • Ducksworthy

        Supply and demand. There’s money to be made when something is really scarce. Even when its not actually what it purports to be or is, in fact, outright crazy.

        • Ms.Moon

          Like the Republican in the Bronx, literally there is a single Republican in the Bronx and when Ted Cruz visited NY he hosted him at some restaurant. The single Republican in the Bronx had relatives come so that Ted Cruz could be seen with people in the Bronx. This was after he had been told very nicely by grade school children to be everywhere else because they would not be photographed or even tolerate being in the same room as him at all ever.

    • little miss high and mighty

      $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$…

  • jesterpunk

    When have republicans ever let “facts” get in their way? They will just claim they found someone that no one talks about because reasons or that they are celebrating their “heritage”.

  • GreenGoldSharpie

    The fact that this is still a thing speaks really ill of a lot of these motherfuckers.

    The Confederate flag is only worthy of being pissed on.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      After eating asparagus.

      • Marion in Savannah

        LOTS and LOTS of asparagus. (I’m one of those folks who can smell what happens after you eat the stuff, and we both love it. Spring becomes a time when MUCH air freshener is used.)

        • Teecha

          I loooooove asparagus. I’m fortunate enough to live close to the Vale of Evesham where the most gorgeous asparagus grows. I could eat it for every meal until it’s out of season again. And often do!

      • caitifty

        Or drinking gasoline.

        • little miss high and mighty

          or pappy’s corn squeezin’s

    • Marion in Savannah

      I love what Charlie Pierce calls it: “the gonfalon of sedition.”

    • Raan

      Or for use as tinder.

      Specifically on April 9th.

    • little miss high and mighty

      better get a true fix on the real fllag, then
      The official national flag of the confederacy looks a lot like our stars and stripes
      just 3 stripes and fewer stars – the squareed “Cross” is not the stars and bars.
      hopping sombuddy can bring up the link- most USAmericans are not aware of what the stars and bars actually looks like it is not the red cross

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    speaking of race relations:

    An unnamed witness who testified in special counsel Robert Mueller’s probe of Russian interference in the 2016 presidential elections tells the New York Post’s Richard Johnson that he fears Trump won’t get a “fair shake” because there no white men serving on the grand jury.

    “The grand jury room looks like a Bernie Sanders rally,” the source told Johnson. “Maybe they found these jurors in central casting, or at a Black Lives Matter rally in Berkeley.”

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      The source explained that 11 out of the 20 jurors were black, while adding that two of the jurors were wearing “peace” t-shirts.

      The witness also claimed that “there was only one white male in the room, and he was a prosecutor.”

      In conclusion, that source believes that this grand jury isn’t a place “where POTUS gets a fair shake.”

      • (Nasty Girl) Brianna #RESIST

        “But but but there were no MAGA hats!”

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          it’s funny how donnie and co. are never responsible for their own actions – but everyone else is…and often for things outside their power.

      • Bobathonic

        Sounds like fake news to me.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          it does sound like incredible BS – i just found it funny. Maybe trolllng?

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        well, he’d get a fair shake if he quit trying to pull other people’s arms off.

      • thixotropic jerk

        So if there was only one white male in the room and the quoted person was not that white person then…what’s the problem? Unless–Omarosa???

      • suziq

        11 of 20 were black and none were white. So the rest were shades of brown? Not white or black? Or were there Moore’s reds and yellows? OR, this might be possible, that they were not MEN so they don’t count either? We need juries of white men to really have a fear hearing on things.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          that caught me too – 9 of them were not black or white? Must be those latin-os

          • suziq

            You would think they would have said that, or that they were all minorities. I bet there WERE some white wimminz and that is just not acceptable either.

      • teele

        All the white boyz showed up with notes from their mommy ‘splainin’ how it would be a terrible economic burden for them to serve on that grand jury, and got themselves excused. Oh well, Mr. Witness, guess if your crew would accept some responsibility now and then, this kind of shit wouldn’t happen to you.

    • ariel_gee_398
      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        serious quesiton though – are grand juries ‘random” or does a prosecutor get to strike some as they do in other jury cases?

        • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

          it is a grand jury in the DC Metro Area.

          • Skeptical_thinker

            That right there says that the jury is probably whiter than it should be if formed by random selection.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            exactly.

          • Marion in Savannah

            Maybe no. The population of DC is majority black. Which doesn’t necessarily mean that the grand jury population isn’t tilted heavily toward retirees or the rich who can afford to lose enough time from work to serve on a grand jury.

          • ariel_gee_398

            In fact, federal law requires that the grand jury be “selected at random from a fair cross section of the community in the district or division wherein the court convenes.”

            Guess Donnie should have kept his criming to Montana or Vermont if he wanted an all-white grand jury.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            in Vermont or Oregon he really would have had a Bernie Sanders rally in his grand jury room.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          Rule 6 provides that a prosecutor can object to a juror (or the entire jury) as not legally qualified, but that’s it.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            so capacity I imagine, but otherwise no. Thanks.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            i realize i (probably) made an error, legally qualified might mean age or resident of the district too? (Sorry it’s early and I’m not totally awake).

        • ariel_gee_398

          Chosen at random, they can be excused but only struck if not legally qualified.

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        they clearly have never been to a Bernie Sanders rally. it is very white.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          Brilliant minds ;)

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      A Bernie Sanders rally with no white men?

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      He seems nice.

    • thixotropic jerk

      Boo-to-the-hoo I say, boo-to-the-motherfuckin-hoo.

      • Teecha

        Wanna borrow my teeny weeny violin to accompany that?

        • thixotropic jerk

          Yes can you airmail it to me?

          MR THX JK
          PO BOX ELEVENTY
          IDONGIVAFUKNO, MO 1!!11

          k thx bai

          • Teecha

            IT IS IN THE POST RIGHT NOW.

          • thixotropic jerk

            GREAT!111!! Y R WE USING ALL CAPS NOW? HAVE WE MORPHED INTO RWNJERBIES???!!!111

          • Teecha

            I DUNNO I JEST GOT ALL EXCITED1111!!!!eleventy!!!1

          • thixotropic jerk

            I SAY, WHAT’S IN THAT TEA OVER THERE? AND CAN YOU SHARE?!!?!

    • Lord Jim

      So…he’s saying black folks have a reason to dislike Donnie Two-Scoops? Wonder if he’s care to articulate why that is…

  • wait! what?

    2018 – Hijack The Republican Confeferecy

  • exinkwretch

    Wait, why ain’t there a monument at Appomattox where that Yankee Grant surrendered to Robert E. By God Lee to end the War of Northern Aggression with a glorious Southern victory?

    • Raan

      This was part of the plot of an episode of Family Guy.

  • (Nasty Girl) Brianna #RESIST

    They could just call it “Tomb of the Unknown, Non-existent Black Soldier” and call it a day.

    • jesterpunk

      They will put up a statue of Sheriff Clarke.

      • thixotropic jerk

        But where will they find enough metal for all of his “medals”?

        • Marion in Savannah

          I’m sure the Daughters of the Confederacy will chip in what’s needed.

    • exinkwretch

      “Black” is far too P.C. Should be “colored” or “Negro,” or better yet . . .

      • Bobathonic

        Traditioooon! TRADITION!

  • Daniel
  • calliecallie

    This is OT, but I am having to pull 2016 accomplishments from a record I keep and I just happened on this fun note from last January:

    “more Senate hearings this week. Some confirmations already: James Mattis, Defense Secretary; Michael Flynn, NSA director; Mike Pompeo, CIA director.”

    We were so innocent then.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Babes, really.

  • Jimh

    SC GOP: Bless their hearts.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    breaking news: Orrin Hatch not seeking reelection.

    • OutOfOrbit

      he found a better gig as a lobbyist

      • Ducksworthy

        Here’s your chance Mitt.

      • La forza del resistino

        he’ll need an intern to remind him where he is currently at and wipe his chin.

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      interesting.

    • jesterpunk

      Do they still want R-Money to replace him?

    • Skeptical_thinker

      Again? I think he has said that before the last three election cycles.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        good point actually…

      • Ducksworthy

        But then he forgets.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Maybe the Mormon Elders have spoken.

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        didn’t work that well when they spoke about Glenn Beck being dumb.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Dammit… I gotta teach my eyes to be better… “not seeking erection” is not what that post actually said…

      • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

        For “seeking erection” news: avn.com [NSFW]

      • little miss high and mighty

        no really he works hard on his organ

        • Bitter Scribe

          He’ll be playing the Saint-Saens Concerto any time now.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Darn. I really wanted to watch Trump endorse him, then have him lose.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Roy Moore to announce run to replace Hatch in 5 … 4 … 3 …

      • data_ninja

        Not Scott Brown?

    • Squeegee

      What happened? Did a local paper dig up the other sister wives?

    • thixotropic jerk

      “I’m not seeking election buuuuuuut if y’all want to elect me anyway then, aw shucks, guess I’ll go ahead and serve again then, ok?”

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      The Koch check cleared!

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      That nasty newspaper editorial got to him.

    • Squeegee

      Orrin Hatch has a gay son who hit on me once although out of respect for his privacy I wont name him unless you tickle me

    • goonemeritus

      Romney will take this seat in a walk and he will spend his first two years sticking it to Trump. Not that he won’t vote Party line 98% of the time but he will still find opportunities to point out Trump is not up to his job.

    • little miss high and mighty

      more time to work out on his organ, then

  • Ducksworthy

    My man Clayton Bigsby. Dave, will you please bring him back for your next last Netflix Special?

  • chiefkurtz

    “We are all learning a lot. The purpose of the bill is education,” said Chumley. I’m glad he’s learning.

  • Opalescent Riddles

    I’m pretty sure I saw the story of Robert Smalls on “Drunk History”. I was like, Fuck Yeah!

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Too bad. I heard the plaque was going to say “Thanks for your forced service, Ni$$er.”

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Except for “thanks”, that would be heartfelt and sincere.

  • SDGeoff3

    That is a perfect response, and of course, we know how the vote will go.

  • Crystalclear12

    No wonder they don’t anything else done, maintaining that level of self delusion on a statewide level must take up all of their processing power.

    • Opalescent Riddles

      I’d also believe that it took no almost power at all, no more than the null task.

  • Relativicus

    That Smalls story is a good one. And funny! At least the way the drunk guy from tv who told it to me told it, anyway

    • Teecha

      I’m going to check the details and add it into my lessons.

      • Bobathonic

        Will you be teaching it drunk? Because that shit is hilarious.

        • Teecha

          I wish! But no. I’d be deported instantly!

          • Bobathonic

            Durn regressive administrations.

          • Teecha

            At the start of the year we got our usual ‘cultural awareness training’ where a lawyer told us a man was terminated for having a single tiny bottle of beer under the seat in his car when he went to work.

            Took a few mins to realise he’d lost his job, rather than had been shot.

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Oh, you saw that, also too!

  • Imagine that. Black people didn’t want to fight for the right to be owned and White People didn’t trust the people they owned to not shoot them in the back, throw down the gun, and walk over to the Union lines.

    Amazing!

    • Smoke O’Hontas

      Why, I’m learning right now! Thanks, South Carolina!

    • little miss high and mighty

      Napoleon actually had that bit happen to him at Leipzig, 1813 with is Rheinbund troops and even August’s Sachsen (traitors)

  • Teecha

    As a teecha, I love to see people getting edumacated. Especially about history coz it is my current lot to be a histree teecha.

    Any of these fules are welcome in my classroom for the entry level ‘transatlantic slave trade’ unit we do in y8 (that’s 12yos) then onto the more advanced ‘civil rights in the USA’ which we cover in y9 (that’s 13yos) or they could come into the GCSE (14-16yo) class and join in the depth study about civil rights from c1945-c1975. Or pop along to A level USA 1940-89 (age 16-18: pre-uni) where this crops up again.

    None of my 13yos would be surprised to learn that enslaved people chose not to fight to remain slaves. Seriously. Kids half a world away, and who are from all over Asia, Africa, the Middle East and SE Asia know more about this subject than these specimens.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I had a niece that believed that “Interview With The Vampire” was actual history, so bless you, you’re doing Gods work.

      • Teecha

        Thanks!
        Although I think Tom Cruise might be an actual vampire…

        • Major^3 Andre

          I’m not sure about the blood part, but Tom Cruise definitely sucks.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Abigail Beecher, is that you?

      • Teecha

        I just googled that! And sadly no. I’m not that interesting.

    • Teecha

      I add to this- these are standard topics in British education. And it’s not like we don’t have a fuck load of exclusively British shit to teach about. I admit to a v western bias in our system.

      • Major^3 Andre

        Yeah, but do you provide equal time to both the “Civil War” and “The War of Northern Aggression”?

        • Teecha

          Ha! And nah. We don’t bother with the civil war at all, except to say it was fought to end slavery.

          We do try not to teach outright lies. Although we miss out great chunks of British/ English awfulness. There’s just not enough time.

          • Major^3 Andre

            I love reading history, but the whole English period was confusing AF what with everyone having the same goddamned names and that the names and titles seem to be interchangeable. It was interesting, mind, just confusing. Glad I don’t have to learn that stuff more gooder.

          • Teecha

            Lol.

            We don’t do much of kings and queens. A bit about Henry VIII and his many wives

            I met a man at a party who was appalled that I couldn’t list the English/UK monarchs in order. Or at all. But I never learned that, and nor do I need to know it. I can look that shit up if I need to.

          • Major^3 Andre

            It should be pretty easy:
            just do a random jumble of Edward, Henry, Richard, Elizabeth, and keep repeating

          • Teecha

            We do always start with William the bastard.

          • little miss high and mighty

            Hey, Captain Freemantle (HRMS) had to make that long retreat from Gettysburg with his new pals, Lee’s staff

          • Teecha

            I’ve heard of Gettysburg. There’s some address there that’s important or something? Right?

        • little miss high and mighty

          yew mean betwix the Yankees and thu Umericans?

    • Lord Jim

      I long for the day when people of your profession receive the respect and salary they deserve. Maybe when that happens, we’ll stop electing reality-tv actors to the Presidency.

      • Teecha

        Thanks for the love there

        I’m ok for respect. I work in a school where kids thank me at the end of lessons! The extra cash would be great tho…

  • Harbinger08

    “We are all learning a lot. The purpose of the bill is education,” said Chumley

    No, no, no, wrong again on every count.

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      They wouldn’t have to learn certain things if they weren’t so damn ignorant to begin with.

  • TJ Barke

    They love treason so much that they wanna honor those press ganged or lied into it.

  • La forza del resistino

    The last time SC blacks considered taking up arms was in the basement of a Charleston church. While they thought better of the plan and called it off, Dylan Roof visited the same church a while ago to make sure they never got uppity again.

  • Daniel

    “either a slave or an unpaid laborer working against his will”

    Or a tautology.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      i just recently learned about morton’s fork.

      • Bobathonic

        I just now learned about it. Thanks.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          the internet has interesting things on it, not just porn!

          ; p

          • Bobathonic

            It’s nice that someone found a secondary purpose for it. Dual use!

          • Daniel

            Though I wouldn’t advise looking up Morton’s Fuck, the porn version of that concept.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            either orifice, you still come.

            Okay, I’ll go sit in the corner now.

          • P’jama Pahnts

            wait, there’s porn on the internet?

          • puredog

            Wait, there’s something besides porn on the internet?

          • thixotropic jerk

            Wait, wait, wait for it— ahhh, yassss….

        • Teecha

          And me! Also thanks.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        He managed tosurvive every regime in the War of The Roses- Henry VI, Edward IV, Richard III, and finally Henry VII, and died in his bed. A true weasel.

        • Ducksworthy

          At least nobody called him “Mooch”.

          • Rebel Scum with permit

            I think Stephen Miller is more like him than Scaramucci. That little twerp is scary.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          Model for Petyr Baelish?

          • Rebel Scum with permit

            Thomas More remembered him fondly, so who knows.

        • Lord Jim

          I read a bio of Henry VII called The Winter King: Henry VII and the Dawn of Tudor England. It detailed Henry’s obsession with money (which he was able to convert to power and influence) and the extortionate means by which he usually collected it, particularly in his later years. Morton fits right in. The book also contains insight into the character of Henry VIII.

          • Daniel

            I read that too, and then recently read another history of the same period which specifically cites that book as something the author disagreed with for being reductive.

          • Lord Jim

            If that other source comes to your mind again, I’d appreciate a reference.

          • Daniel

            Yeah, sorry- my mind’s all pudding at the moment but I’ll look it up and let you know. It was interesting to read, especially because I’d enjoyed The Winter King.

          • Rebel Scum with permit

            Henry VIII was far more like his grandfather Edward IV, both in temperament and physical appearance, however, because of his role in the War of The Roses, Edward IV was far more tempered by adversity and a sense of responsibility.
            Losing your crown and having to flee in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on your back will do that. So far as I know, he was the only English king to get a do-over.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Ya know what’s awesome? I looked up “morton’s fork” just now because I’ve never heard of it, and found two different definitions.

        • Bobathonic

          But they lead to the same result, don’t they?

          • P’jama Pahnts

            Hah no. One calls it a choice between two unpleasant things. I suspect that’s the incorrect definition.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            wikipedia has i think 3 definitions but I took the first.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            lol, you guys make me laugh

      • Opalescent Riddles

        Now with Hobbesian Choice.

        (Yes, that’s Hobbes, not Hobson.)

        • Daniel

          And what of Jobson?

        • Skeptical_thinker

          Does Calvin know about Hobbesian Choice? Does it involve a rules change in calvinball?

          • Daniel

            If Calvin knew he’d knox it.

      • thixotropic jerk

        Yes but do you know about the runcible spoon, herhm???

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    Its well known that the blacks are pro free trade, anti-tariff and the War of Northern Aggression was mostly about Yankee oligarchs trying to put the squeeze on the little guy using trade policy.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Damn Yankees wouldn’t trade cattle for slaves.

      • clubseal

        They were also known for being taken high enough.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “We are all learning a lot. The purpose of the bill is education,” said Chumley

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5e53b630620719f26f48eb40e9db9af23526b98edf1ee8c1029b16b468a4303c.png

    • little miss high and mighty

      A church-goer! A believer!

  • jesterpunk

    Old sleepy Ben would fit right in with them.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/06/us/politics/ben-carson-refers-to-slaves-as-immigrants-in-first-remarks-to-hud-staff.html

    Mr. Carson turned his attention to slavery after describing photographs of poor immigrants displayed at the Ellis Island National Museum of Immigration. These new arrivals worked long hours, six or seven days a week, with little pay, he said. And before them, there were slaves.

    “That’s what America is about, a land of dreams and opportunity,’’ he said. “There were other immigrants who came here in the bottom of slave ships, worked even longer, even harder for less. But they too had a dream that one day their sons, daughters, grandsons, granddaughters, great-grandsons, great-granddaughters, might pursue prosperity and happiness in this land.”

  • OrG

    Greg Gregory? WTF is it with rethugs naming their kids?

    • Bobathonic

      It’s like some Marvel hero’s alter ego.

    • Raan

      Creativity ain’t their bag.

    • Skeptical_thinker

      I knew a Joseph Joseph Joseph many years ago.

      • Raan

        Did you call him Joey Jo-Jo?

      • Teecha

        I knew a Justin Loosely. Claimed he had a brother called Rightin Tightly.

        • Daniel

          Half brother, surely?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Why, of course there were black Confederate soldiers. In fact, on 9/11, when all those Muslims in Jersey city were cheering as the WTC fell, a bunch of black Confederate soldiers got reeeeal mad and beat the tar out of ’em. Donald Trump saw that with his own eyes, but the video got taken down off the internet.

    • Raan

      But were their JO crystals glowing?

      • SayItWithWookies

        Well, I went and looked that up. Didn’t need to be less horrified by humanity anyway, I guess.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    OT: Some nutbag gun-humper anti-mooslims lady with lots of make up announced her candidacy for Arkansas governor. Yeehah!

    http://www.kansascity.com/news/politics-government/article192535829.html

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      Sarah Huckabee’s mom?

    • P’jama Pahnts

      At first I saw “Alaska” and thought you were talking about Mrs. Palin

    • Beelzebubba

      Is she terrible enough to win the GOP nomination, and also terrible enough to lose to a Democrat?
      (I’m developing a perverse appreciation for the Ray Moores of this world.)

    • Cliff Hendroval

      Amazing how many bikers are RWNJs, particularly Harley riders.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    In 1862, Smalls hijacked a Confederate supply ship he worked on, steered his family to freedom and delivered the ammunition-laden vessel to the Union. He went on to become a state legislator and five-term congressman.

    Next time some wingnut goes on about “why is there no white history month?” I’ll point out that I–a pretty well educated person if I do say so myself–never knew about this until now FFS.

    • OrG

      But have you heard Abe Lincoln was a republican? A lot of people don’t know that.

      • Beelzebubba

        Lincoln’s being recognized more and more.

        • little miss high and mighty

          sorry, i havd a 9 minute diqus lag/screen snag slop
          what is with disqus today?

        • Snowbound Ron

          It’s the mole, isn’t it?

      • Ray in VT

        And 160 years ago Democrats favored slavery.

        • P’jama Pahnts

          Crap. That means I’m racist now, right?

          • Ray in VT

            Obviously, because the Confederates were liberals. Also additionally so were the Nazis. It must be true. I read it on Brainfart.

      • little miss high and mighty

        And he’s getting recognized more and more

        • thixotropic jerk

          YUR ALL FAHKE NEWSER TYPES NOT. FALLEN. 4. IT. LYEBRULLZ111!!!

          • little miss high and mighty

            oon the other hand….

    • Higgs Boson

      Nate DiMeo of The Memory Palace podcast did an amazing episode on Robert Smalls, “The Wheel”, which I cannot recommend enough (the coda to the story is … well, human and profound in the best way). He also has another piece, “Notes on an Imagined Plaque to be Added to the Statue of Nathan Bedford Forrest…”, which may also be relevant.

    • Rebel Scum Puipui

      I first heard of him from Drunk History. It says a lot about our society that I learn a lot about important historical figures who were women and/or people of color that way.

  • OT: Hatch announces that he’s retiring clearing the way for Mitt Romney to take his seat. Cheetolini can’t be happy about that.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      I’m actually ok with Romney in the Senate. Maybe he will be different and courageously lead it back to normalcy.

      *must check in with my psychiatrist and wine supply*

      • cheetojeebus

        blink twice if we need to send someone with an icepack or something.

    • Beelzebubba

      Are the voters of Utah still convinced that the best way to beat back the depredations of the rich fuck class is to elect rich fucks to Congress? Because I’m beginning to doubt that strategy.

      • Raan

        If the Democrats don’t run our own Mormon, complete with “47%” and “corporations are people” videos, I will be severely disappointed.

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    Bitch, what the fuck? served the confederacy?

    Did they come on boats seeking a better life first?

    • Lord Jim

      According to Sleepy Ben Carson, yes.

      • onedollarjuana

        Barbara Bush, Sr., agrees.

    • Teecha
      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        Haha we found some migrant workers that they like.

        • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

          I’m pretty sure it’s “workers” because chattel slavery.

      • Earl Of Sammich

        “I’m not revisionist history, you’re revisionist history.”

        • Teecha

          I teach my kids about this. And tell them to ask any Americans they meet about it.

  • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

    Wow, I am just now realizing that is a screenshot with Dave Chappelle, isn’t it, and not something from Fox News?

  • Beelzebubba

    1) Sens. Darrell Jackson and Greg Gregory are my new heroes. Their proposal for a truly educational memorial to the role of black people in the Civil War establishes a whole new level of snarky trolling.

    2) A memorial to the slaves who were forced to contribute to the Confederacy might very well be in order as well, although I doubt it would teach the lessons hoped for by Chumley and Burns.

    3) “Chumley and Burns” sounds like a pair of inept criminals from a cartoon series.

    • Bobathonic

      Like Tennessee Tuxedo.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    I think we can all agree that the slaves who refused to fight for the Confederacy are the real racists.

    • Snowbound Ron

      ‘Why do you boys hate your owners so much? Is it because they’re WHITE?’

  • TJ Barke

    What should be offered is a formal apology.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    This is what happens when you let idiots from reality shows work in government. Chumley needs to get out of government and back to the pawn shop

  • Michael R

    Orrin Hatch To Retire From Senate

    Did you know :

    In 1993, Hatch recommended Ruth Bader Ginsburg to President Bill Clinton to fill a vacancy on the U.S. Supreme Court. Clinton had not previously considered Ginsburg and Hatch, as Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, assured him that a Ginsburg confirmation would go smoothly. Hatch knew Ginsburg and knew she was a political liberal

    • puredog

      Hatch is third in line for presidential succession, after Pence and Ryan,
      by virtue of his position as president pro tempore of the Senate. The
      president pro tempore is customarily chosen as the Senate member of the
      majority party who has the greatest seniority. Next after Hatch is
      Cochran of MS who, I believe, will also be retiring. After him, in
      order are (wait for it):
      GRASSLEY AND MCCONNELL.
      How boned are we, exactly?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Yeah. That was way back in the day before Republicans realized there was money to be made in right wing loonery.

    • La forza del resistino

      Mitt’s first tv ad should be him with the dog IN the car this time.

  • Crystalclear12

    It didn’t occur to someone to research this BEFORE they became a national punchline?

    • Marion in Savannah

      Hey — we’re talking about SC here. Research? You jest.

      • Crystalclear12

        Hey, it could happen!
        Alabama elected a Democrat, for Christ’s sake!

        • HereForTheSnark

          I thought Jedge Moore was the “For Christ’s Sake” candidate…?

          • Beelzebubba

            “For Christ’s Sake”?
            That’s exactly what I said when I heard he was running.

          • Crystalclear12

            Christ : Roy Moore who?

      • onedollarjuana

        In SC, Truth is hiking the Appalachian Trail.

    • Gorillionaire

      It’s a whole ideology based on the idea that if you want it to be true bad enough, it will become true.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      You mean the Gatewaypundit is not a reliable source?

    • Bebecca

      Facts, schmacts. I really love this story. It’s such a metaphor for republican ideology.

    • Beelzebubba

      Conservapedia had nothing on the topic, nor did YouTube commenters. Google served up results tailored to their browsing histories. What more could they have done?

  • Ray in VT

    You just can’t make some of this stuff up.

    • Snowbound Ron

      Not that they haven’t spent 150 years trying.

    • Beelzebubba

      You could if you wrote for The Onion.

  • little miss high and mighty

    Robyn- It was General Patrick Cleburn (sp?) Killed at Franklin, Tn
    who proposed late in the war to a large group of astounded other Generals that negroes should join the ranks in exchange for freedom. The idea got no further than Gary Gallagher’s and Bruce Catton’s and James McPhearson’s oddity footnotes- reguarly dredged up to deflate the rumor these 2 nutjob Repub neoconfederates spew.
    But every gathering of hobby CW (nuts)( fans- like us un’s) includes some Southruner or sessesh enthusiast who will crow on about it.
    BTW Feminists- check out the wimmin claims (more accurate- actually accurate in coomparison) like the braggart Emma Edmonds’s heroine nurse/spy/combat infantrist claims- probably not much more truthful but way more palusible.

    • Beelzebubba

      I’m adding ‘palusible’ to my personal vocabulary.
      No idea what for – it just sounds like it ought to be good for something.

      • little miss high and mighty

        youer walcome

      • Marion in Savannah

        It sounds like something soft and delicious. “Mom, those dumplings were palusible.” Works for me.

    • thixotropic jerk

      Then there was General Jebediah Billy Ray Beau Bo Australopithecus VI who suggested that The South simply free all of the slaves and then yell “Jus’ Kiddin’ Yankees!” and go home but nobody took him up on it neither.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Well, it didn’t work for George Aiken from Vermont during Vietnam either.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    They could monumentalize the Stono Rebellion.
    81 slaves killed 28 whites and burned 6 plantations in South Carolina while headed toward freedom in Spanish Florida, but they were intercepted, and those not killed in the battle were hung.
    And the wise people of South Carolina decided the problem was the leader of the rebellion was literate, so they passed laws against teaching black folks to read and such.

    • GlazedHaim

      This would be a good time to revisit hung vs hanged.

      • Rooster Cogburn105

        Well-hung vs. well-hanged? Teach the controversy!

        • GlazedHaim

          I enjoyed this. Bigly.

  • Daniel

    “This, frankly, is beautiful and perfect and I hope it gets passed. After all, if all they are interested in is history and education, this shouldn’t bother them at all.”

    It would be celebrating a thief and a terrorist!

    • gene108

      Like Samuel Adams? And the rest of the Boston Tea Party crew.

      Edit: I believe there’s a recent Republican movement that drew styled itself after the Boston Tea Party.

      • Daniel

        So you admit you want to tear down their statues too! Do you have no respect for history?

        • Beelzebubba

          Heh. You know them well.

  • Marion in Savannah

    I just found this:

    Some black Southerners aided the Confederacy. Most of these were forced to accompany their masters or were forced to toil behind the lines. Black men were not legally allowed to serve as combat soldiers in the Confederate Army–they were cooks, teamsters, and manual laborers. There were no black Confederate combat units in service during the war and no documentation whatsoever exists for any black man being paid or pensioned as a Confederate soldier, although some did receive pensions for their work as laborers.

    Emphasis all mine. From here:

    https://www.civilwar.org/learn/articles/black-confederates

    • Beelzebubba

      What a surprise.
      Who, as a member of the slave-owning white race in the South, would think it a good idea to give guns to a large group of black slaves? Hearing them declare “We got your back, massa!” would somehow not be reassuring.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        what’s the drill command for “turn 180 degrees and fire”?

        https://youtu.be/FqJwD35wWhY?t=8

        • Marion in Savannah

          “About face, FRAG.” I think.

      • Longstreet63

        David Clarke was yet to be born…

    • Ray in VT

      I’m sure that facts will dissuade those who believe otherwise.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos
    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Oh, fuck!

    • Dept. of Space Tacos
      • Snowbound Ron

        Still funny.

    • Bobathonic

      So what are the next steps? Borrow Obama’s Time Machine?

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        Too bad it’s not real, if we could know 2 years ago what we know now.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Umm, there is a nuclear North Korea, accept it or not?

    • gene108

      About 11 1/2 years too late for that. Thanks to Bush, Jr. chucking out the Clinton-era non-proliferation agreement, and then naming North Korea a charter member of the Axis of Evil, they said to hell with not firing our reactor back up and getting some nukes.

      And in 2006, they set off their first nuke.

    • Beelzebubba

      Same with global warming – it should work out equally well.

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        Nuclear winter to counteract global warming?

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    But, let’s be clear – even the hypocritical crackers of South Carolina were smart enough to realize that recording and celebrating the fighting abilities of the Blah would be a baaaaad idea if they wanted to remain secure in their illusions.

    • Longstreet63

      To be fair, they were not any different in that than the colonial powers they aped. Britain and France did not like to put guns in brown hands until they were desperate for them in WWI (India excepted). Doing so definitely contributed to decolonization movements.

  • La forza del resistino

    a chagrined Chumley wonders if he can get his old job at the pawn store back.

    • Querolous

      Or join the WWE and wrestle under the name “Big Crunch.”

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Chappelle is such a brilliant commentator on race, I wish he wasn’t such utter horseshit on LGBT issues.

    • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

      I watched his 2017 Netflix special recently, but I think he wrote it in 2004.

  • Duke

    What?! Don’t Blacks like States’ Rights?

    I mean, that’s what the war was about. Wasn’t it?

  • Stulexington

    I’m surprised the revelation of no black soldiers was any sort of encumbrance. I half expected them to just do the unnamed soldier bit and pretend one existed.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      They could think up a name or use the name of their imaginary black friend.

      • Stulexington

        Token. Is Token a good name?

        • Beelzebubba

          “Maginary Blackman”

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Ooo! “George Thomas Jefferson Washington”!

        • David Roosa

          Warshington

  • cheetojeebus

    Evolution needs to up it’s game if we’re to make it to the next century.

    • Hardly Ideal

      That’s the uncomfortable truth about Evolution, though. You don’t need to be smart or anything; you just need to survive long enough to have babies.

      • Beelzebubba

        Yep. Alligators get along just fine, to cite one fairly relevant example.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          Cockroaches are smarter than many in this misadministration.

          • Rebel Scum Puipui

            Also more popular.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Thus only qualifying for a Darwin award if your stupidity takes you out before you breed.

  • Snowbound Ron

    I think this does answer one question that has been troubling us: do the Lost Causers really believe this shit?
    The answer is yes. Yes, they do.

    • Longstreet63

      It’s always much more comfortable to believe your heritage is one of lost nobility, as opposed to a bunch of rich racists who wanted to become a literal aristocracy and therefore sent your ancestors to be shot at.
      That way, you don’t have to confront that kind of thing like the postwar Germans did.

  • Bebecca

    If the movement to have a statue of Mr. Smalls approved by the legislature fails (which it will), maybe we could take up a Wonkette collection. Stephen Colbert might even take it on himself.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Any African-American who served in a Confederate unit in South Carolina was either a slave or an unpaid laborer working against his will, Edgar said.

    It’s hard to see a difference, except maybe that the former belonged to a specific person and the latter to the CSA as a whole.

    • Calli Arcale

      Well, the latter could be a person with papers documenting his freedom, e.g. a black Union soldier captured as a prisoner of war and put to forced labor at a POW camp.

  • NastyBossetti

    When I was 9 years old, I took a social studies test that included a question on what 3 advantages the confederacy might have had during the civil war. I don’t remember what I said for the first 2, but for the third, I blanked. Coming up with nothing, I said what amounted to: all the slaves gave them sort of a manpower advantage, since they could make them do whatever they wanted, which must include fighting in their war. Obviously, I did not get credit for that answer, because it was wrong and dumb. That was 30 years ago, and I still remember getting that one-third of an answer wrong.
    I was only nine, though. What is these assholes’ excuse?

    • Beelzebubba

      Except for the “fighting” part, your answer was entirely correct.

      • NastyBossetti

        My answer was heavily based on the fighting part.

        • Beelzebubba

          I’d have given you half credit. Maybe even 3/5.

          • NastyBossetti

            Ha!

          • Bitter Scribe

            *ba-dump*

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I don’t know if living like a feudal lord could be considered an advantage

      • Ducksworthy

        Make Feudalism Great Again! The new 2018 GOP rallying cry/

    • clubseal

      Number 1 was probably “decades later, they could change the narrative on their motivation to ‘states’ rights’ and people would believe them.”

      • NastyBossetti

        I hadn’t yet learned that. I was living on Long Island at the time. The next summer, I would move to Virginia and learn all about the war of northern aggression. It was a rude awakening!

        • clubseal

          I’m thinking of starting the War of Passive Aggression. I’ll send you a snippy letter when your number comes up in the draft.

          • NastyBossetti

            You can look forward to a curt and stealthily impertinent response.

          • clubseal

            “If you’re not too busy, the rest of us are already here and ready to fight.”

          • Daniel

            The War of Passive Aggression began when an ultimatum was possibly issued in the so called “Milk Post-it” hypothesizing that elves had presumably left the milk out and that was why there was none for tea this morning.

          • clubseal

            I thought the first shot was fired in the Great Pam Beasley Microwave Debacle.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          My husband jokes about learning that crap in Virginia (suburban DC). He knew it was a crock of shit when they were teaching it — probably because he read history books for fun.

          • Whollyholeyholy

            I am from Texas, which is not as into the Confederacy as most people might assume. However, it is a real struggle to get my mom to understand the stuff she learned at a time when some people couldn’t use the same drinking fountain or go to the same school as her may not in fact be completely accurate.

    • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

      Where did you go to school? Because in the Northeast, no one would bother asking a 9-year-old to write alt-history Confederate fan fiction.

      • NastyBossetti

        New York. That was on Long Island. We were asked what were some of the advantages each side might have had during the war and needed to give at least three examples for each. I don’t think it was alt-history or fan fic. I didn’t learn about “states’ rights” or glorifying the lost cause until I moved to VA.

  • Bitter Scribe

    In his history of America, Samuel Eliot Morison makes a passing reference to two companies of black CSA soldiers that were organized in Richmond but never saw combat. Something tells me that Virginia won’t be building monuments to them anytime soon.

    Why don’t these guys put up monuments to Native Americans who fought for the Confederacy? There were a good number of Cherokee and others who fought very effectively. I’m sure today’s Native American communities would be delighted to be co-opted by a bunch of redneck politicians.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      I think Andrew Jackson did a number of Cherokee, so you sure about that?

      • Longstreet63

        “Indian Territory” did indeed side with the Confederacy. The Cherokee picked up slaveholding before the Trail of Tears, and had no real reason to love the Union, anyway.

        • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

          I am being very specific with the Cherokee who Jackson marched 800 miles into what is now Oklahoma.

          • BrianW

            Actually, yes. Stand Watie (born 1806) was the only Cherokee Indian who held a general’s commission from the CSA. He didn’t surrender until June 23, 1865 which made him the last Confederate general to quit fighting.

          • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

            Very weird. Especially when you consider the fact that about 2 million native americans were enslaved, and there were still some native American slaves until slavery was ended.

          • Longstreet63

            Yes, but enslaving native Americans was technically illegal in the USA by then, and so not widespread, while holding slaves was common among them.

          • the_steamer

            America was one of the last bastions of the slave economy, with a history basically as old as humanity. It should be no surprise that slavery was an institution in Native American society, given the short shrift they received in attempting to join the US economy at large. Indian Reservations, it should be remembered, were in no way sought out as industrial parks or economic free trade zones.

          • BrianW

            Well, he was a slaveholder, and apparently also signed the treaty that would lead to the Trail of Tears. His idea was that the removal was going to happen anyway, so they should try and guarantee their rights via the treaty. So yeah, weird, but sometimes that’s the way history rolls.

      • Bitter Scribe

        Quite sure. Think about it. They were fighting against the federal government that had oppressed and abused them for generations.

        Regarding slavery, the attitude of Native Americans was complicated. Some actually owned slaves; others gave refuge to runaways.

        I am being very specific with the Cherokee who Jackson marched 800 miles into what is now Oklahoma.

        Yes, as president of the United States, which gave the Cherokee a motive to fight the United States.

      • richardgrabman

        Why do you think the Cherokee had “issues” with the Federal government?

      • Mandorlind

        (From my History of Native Americans class in college–I’d have to hunt down my sources.)

        The Cherokee were still independent when the war started, and both sides came to them for an alliance.The confederates promised the tribe recognition as a sovereign nation; the Union would not.
        After the war, the Cherokee were harshly punished–more than the confederate states, even.

    • TundraGrifter

      I believe there was a Civil War battle in Missouri where some dead Union soldiers were scalped. The name escapes me at the moment.

  • Longstreet63

    I’m just surprised they aren’t pushing to honor the Confederate heroes of Fort Pillow…

    • phoenix00

      Were they all sleeping on the job?

      • Longstreet63

        Er…well, Forrest’s confederates massacred the black Union troops at Fort Pillow after they surrendered.
        So, no, not really…

  • Earl Of Sammich
    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      FAKE NEWS! He is missing about 80 medals in that photo.

      • phoenix00

        “medals”

      • Nine

        And where’s his hat?
        When I lived in Milwaukee nobody knew what his face looked like because he was always wearing a hat with the brim tipped down to where I presume his chin would have been.

        The only time I ever voted for a Republican was in the Milwaukee County Sheriff election where he ran as a Democrat with the specific un-endorsement of the Democratic Party, against a guy who ran as a Republican with the specific un-endorsement of the Republican Party. And no, I have no idea why the parties were unable to select their candidates.

    • Kryptonian Canis
  • Fartknocker

    My limited life experience is that if your name is Chumley, you weren’t the sharpest tool in the shed.

    • clubseal

      In my own personal War on Clichés, I am obliged to note that one isn’t always looking for a sharp tool in the shed. Most wrenches I have used were quite blunt, but loosened bolts way better than a knife would have.

    • beingreleased

      I keep my tools in the basement. Is that going to cause some problems?

  • John Lo

    Rep. Bill Chumley of Woodruff and Rep. Mike Burns of Taylors, SC.
    Morons, if you’re celebrating the Confederacy, you are proto, (earliest form of,) traitors.
    Do all of these southern white reps just hate all POC?

    • Ellie

      Why don’t they mosey on up to NY State and campaign for a celebration of Benedict Arnold? They could begin by insisting on a body to go with the boot.

      • Upvoted for the boot reference.

  • Indiepalin

    The SC legislature also passed a bill naming an All-Time All-White NBA team but were stymied again when they discovered Larry Bird could not play all five positions at once.

    • TundraGrifter

      Bill Paultz libulz!

    • clubseal

      John Stockton libels!

    • Roadstergal

      Steve Kerr libelz!!

    • Roadstergal
    • Rags

      Bob Cousy libelz!

    • Professor Fate

      Jerry West Libelz!

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      Kevin McHale Libelz!

    • Caepan

      George Mikan libelz!

      (I is an old.)

      • Indiepalin

        Bob Kurland libel?

    • LiberalANDProud

      Rick Barry libelz!!!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Bill Walton libelz!

    • JerryRich

      I don’t tell people that the NBA had a color bar in the beginning because they would not believe me.

    • Querolous

      Bill Walton libel!

    • GunTotinLiberal

      Pistol Pete Maravich libelz!

  • TundraGrifter

    “‘The purpose of the bill is education,’ said Chumley, who filed a companion proposal to research the contributions of black people to the Confederacy in South Carolina and teach about their service in public schools.”

    A hundred bucks says Chumley thinks the Robert Mueller investigation has gone on too long and cost too much taxpayer money because it hasn’t uncovered anything yet.

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    Why am I thinking of Chumley in Pawn Stars?

  • Roadstergal

    “and even taught their adorable children to tap dance.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2BwaI4oX6U

  • Kryptonian Canis

    God DAMN, I love that story about Robert Smalls. Get that man a monument! We’ll see how these economically-anxious assholes feel about protecting statues then.

    • Rebel Scum Puipui

      Hell yes! I would donate to put up a monument to Robert Smalls. We should be learning about him in history classes, not just Drunk History reenactments (as glorious as that one is).

      • Beanz&Berryz

        And still stumbling home bewildered at how the fucking Confederacy lost yet again… For the thousandth time…

  • Smalls also bought the house of his former owner, and he and his wife took in his former owner’s wife when she wandered in with dementia and was like “Don’t I live here?”, because in addition to being a GENUINE FUCKING HERO, he was also an extremely decent human being. Unlike any of the fuckwads who fought a war to preserve their right to OWN OTHER HUMAN BEINGS, or the duplicitous idiots today trying to paint that as anything other than unmitigated evil.

    • Cliff Hendroval

      One of my oldest friends is descended from Robert Smalls. I would be well chuffed to have a bad-ass like him as an ancestor.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Perhaps he can write the story then.

        • Frances

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    • gingerwentworth

      Let’s have a book about him! How about a book about him and his wife and children and have it in all the elementary schools so he can be a man we all know about like Daniel Boone but so much more interesting to children.

      • MC Planck

        Book? MINI-SERIES! Why don’t those idiots D&D from Game of Thrones do this story instead of their dumbass modern slavery story?

  • willi0000000

    apparently Mr. Smalls didn’t live up (down?) to his name.

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      ‘Pears that he was good enough and smart enough. *I* like him.

  • Jon Sussex

    Rarely is the question asked: Is our representatives learning?

  • thixotropic jerk

    “In fact, when secession came, the state turned down free (blacks) who wanted to volunteer because they didn’t want armed persons of color,” said Edgar”

    Da fuck wanted to volunteer??? Unless they were all like, yass please please give us some guns boo, we sure want to fight real extry hard for South Caroliny what has been soo fuckin good to us!

    • amrak63

      I am reminded of how the late, unlamented USSR could not be sure of the loyalty of its satellite nations if war broke out in Europe against NATO, and somehow it did not escalate to The Big Nuke Party.

      “Uh, comrades, you are pointing guns wrong way.”

      “LIKE HELL WE ARE!”

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Of course, The Citadel, The Military College of South Carolina, commonly referred to simply as The Citadel, was created in the early 1800’s to train white plantation-owners’ boys how to put down the slave rebellion those sad oppression white plantation owners were always afeered of… So arming all the Blacks was always never gonna happen Down There.

    • MC Planck

      Of course free blacks volunteered to fight for the Confederacy. They lived there; they needed to prove their loyalty; and they wanted the prestige that comes with military service.

      And of course the Confederates turned them down. Because treating even a few blacks like people would have destroyed the “peculiar institution.” A fact not lost on those blacks doing the volunteering.

    • Rooster Cogburn105

      First, I have to make sure this here rifle is properly sighted, suh, would y’all mind standing in yonder field, ’bout a hundred paces, that would be great, Massa!

  • LiberalANDProud

    “In all my years of research, I can say I have seen no documentation of black South Carolina soldiers fighting for the Confederacy. In fact, when secession came, the state turned down free (blacks) who wanted to volunteer because they didn’t want armed
    persons of color,”

    Any imbecile with a fourth grade reading level and access to the Google machine could have figured out this little fucking factoid in about 30 seconds (your speed may vary depending on your internet provider).

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Yes, and it falls to Walter Edgar to impress these things upon typical residents who retained only the third grade level, yet they drive a car and bring home the bacon.

    • Bad Tom

      “In all my years of research” indicates he was doing PRIMARY research. Google searches only examine the RESULTS of primary research.

      No primary research, no good search results.

      I’m amazed people forget this.

  • Daniel Hooper

    So, wait. Are you telling me that there were NO black soldiers who fought for slavery? My God; my mind is blown! Who could’ve predicted that?!…

    …except maybe anybody with half a brain, that is…

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Well, of course, no-one fought FOR slavery, just for the RIGHT to have slavery.

      • Rooster Cogburn105

        The right to have access to slavery, that’s the ticket!

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Having lived in SC 40 years I can tell you, such folk can be hard to find.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      There’s always that one-in-ten dentist….

    • Magnificent Mopery.

      Confederate Gen. Pat Cleburne advocated arming black men to fight for the Confederacy, but was slapped down by Jeff Davis AND Bob Lee, who well understood that once you let black people pick up guns they were NOT going to put them back down and go back to the fields, and with slavery gone there went the Cause. At the very end of the war, the rebel government did approve recruiting black soldiers in an act of desperation, but strangely there was no rush to the colors by whatever blacks had not already escaped or been liberated.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    *face palm*

    This would be like Japan saying that there were Chinese and Korean people who didn’t hate them during WWII. Look at all the those Not-Japanese women who provided the Japanese soldiers with “comfort”!!!!

    • gingerwentworth

      It’s a funny old fact but the Chinese people of Taiwan were very happy with the Japanese. Just an aside.

  • PlutoAnimus

    Robert Smalls fucking kicks ass.

  • Ninja0980

    You mean black folks didn’t want to fight for a side that sought to keep them as slaves?
    Shocking!

  • Ducksworthy

    How to fix it? Just add a figure walking behind Massa Robert’s horse with a shovel.

  • The Librarian

    I’m bigly impressed with Mr. Smalls and that mighty feat he performed. Can’t say the same for the Idiots looking for a Confederate black soldier, duh.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    IIRC about 200,000 black men served in the Union armies and navies, but of course these racist clowns have to grab their flashlight and magnifying glass to try to find some black soldiers who fought for the Confederacy when they want to honour someone.

    • Kooolest G

      maybe they could honor some of the black people who fought for freedom in the revolutionary war, oh wait, the black people fighting for their freedom in that war fought for the british, who promised that if they put down the colonists rebellion, they would outlaw slavery in the colonies. weird how you never read about that in our worship of the founding fathers

      • HooverVilles

        This!

      • Not for nothing but there were freed black men who fought for the colonists also.
        They got hosed, by and large.

      • Magnificent Mopery.

        Frank Key mentioned them in his “Star Spangled Banner,” and not in a nice way.

  • EdR

    I always wonder about the number of tests a person must fail before they accumulate sufficient qualifications to become a Republican.

    • WhoCheckedRussia’sVoterID

      All of them Jimmy!

    • phoenix00

      Third grade?

  • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson
    • WhoCheckedRussia’sVoterID

      Now that there is a profile name!

    • CriticalDragon1177

      Is that supposed to be a younger version of Uncle Ruckus from the Boondocks?

      • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

        Yes, yes it is. It’s the episode where he protested the Civil Rights marches and threw a brick at MLK Jr.

  • NotALiar

    That poly rhythmic shit Bojangles was doing is fucking cool.

  • norcalOG

    Along with Fred Douglass, Robert Smalls has been doing fantastic work in the African American community.

    • phoenix00

      Getting to know them more and more!

  • folderol

    You know, all the confederate-supporting folk who think slavery was not so bad, if not in fact pretty good, seldom if ever volunteer to be slaves. I find that curious.

    • dlemex

      Shit, you can’t even pay them to work in the fields… they sure as hell ain’t doing it for free (or as they claim, for room and board).

  • Blanche Beecham

    Don’t those statues with the white pants and red jackets holding the lantern or horse-hooky-thingy one sees in South Carolina lawns count as a damn black confederate soldier monument? I think the ones with the little guy and the burro is thought of as an Alamo memorial in some sections of the country.

    I have a bigfoot memorial in my yard, because that’ s who I am.

    (off to the races!) https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b7d7cc7c154de2cf258e40fd166ed555444070205fe509c16c02d99005535b1a.jpg

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      They are called lawn Jockeys. If you go to Saratoga Springs, New York you will see them on many lawns near the racetrack. Often painted in their horses racing silks colors.I always thought they were awful, even before I understood. I love your crew BTW.

  • Tiffany de Houston

    I did not know that about Robert Smalls. Good for him!

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    It’s a two-fer, Smalls worked on a C.S.S. ship so he, technically, is a confederate veteran!

  • Zyxomma

    Cool.

  • phoenix00

    > “We are all learning a lot. The purpose of the bill is education,”

    Chumley, please learn go fuck yourself like the loser you are, and when you’re done that, learn to fuck yourself some more.

    • HooverVilles

      Is our republicans learnin’ yet?

      • phoenix00

        Let’s check in with Betsy DeVos……

  • HooverVilles

    That first sentence,

    Two South Carolina Republicans had an idea.

    Says it all right off the bat.

    Two South Carolina Republicans had an idea. They had an awfully stupid, wretched, incompetent, dumb, idiotic, , , , idea…. with arsenic sauce.

  • Frances

    Go-o-gle is paying 97$ per hour,with week-l-y payouts.You can a-l-so avail this.
    On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from hav-i-ng earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have e-v-er done .. It s-o-unds un-b-elievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
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  • MC Planck

    Why isn’t there a mini-series about Smalls? My Dog, that’s an amazing story. And it even has Hollywood style happy endings (he buys his master’s house and then lets his master’s widow stay in until her death).

    Do we really need another eight Spidermans? Why can’t we have this movie!

    • Someone get Ava DuVernay on the phone. She’d direct it to perfection!

  • Magnificent Mopery.

    I’ve had this argument with racist morons before. SC is not alone in fielding no black soldiers, but they cling fiercely to the myth, along with all the other Lost Cause myths. Racism-fueled ignorance — it’s a hell of a drug.

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