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See that lovely lady? That’s my mom at the Women’s March in DC in January. That’s what a VERY PISSED OFF lawyer looks like. If Donald Trump’s election did anything, it transformed a whole lot of us from armchair liberal lawyers to out in the fucking street lawyers. We might not have marched in a Black Lives Matter protest in 2016 (and shame on us!), but we’re here now. In 2017, the lawyers SHOWED UP. So let’s remember four of the many, many, MANY legal stories this year. This shit was crazy, and it almost killed us dead.

JK! WE LIVE FOR THIS STUFF, AND THERE’S NO PLACE WE’D RATHER BE!

The Travel Ban

In the beginning was the Word. And the Word was with Trump. And the Word was Trump. And the Word was BANNON. That’s right, brothers and sisters and other non-binary siblings. Cast your minds back to January, at the very beginning of this nightmare when Steve Bannon and that flunky Steven Miller were drafting those gonzo Executive Orders.

On January 27, Donald Trump signed that first piece of crap Muslim Ban, barring all refugees and any non-US citizens from Iran, Iraq, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria and Yemen from entering the country. There was immediate pandemonium at the airports, as legal US residents and visa-holders were detained and expelled from the country, huge numbers of protesters massed, and thousands of lawyers came out swinging WITH LAPTOPS.

It was the primal scream of the professionals, AND IT WORKED.

Trump fired Acting Attorney General Sally Yates because she said his order was an illegal piece of crap. But by January 30, courts in Brooklyn, Boston, Virginia, Seattle and Los Angeles had issued Stop Enforcing This Illegal Piece of Crap Orders.

Naturally Trump responded with a bunch of tweets that wound up being used against him later in Court.

And then on February 4, the White House tapped out. Muslim Ban 1.0 was dead. We did it! And yeah, we’re still fighting it out. Bannon’s gone, but that rancid little weenus Miller is still there trying to keep out the browns. But this original confrontation set the tone for the whole year, and your FDF has never been prouder of her tribe.

(I’m not crying! You’re the one who’s crying!)

Sanctuary Cities

Time for another Steve Bannon special! This time he huddled up with the weenus and cooked up a plan to punish those librul cities who refuse to hand over all the undocumented immigrants to the ICE shock troops. It was hella illegal, but they stuck it in front of the Old Man and he signed it anyway.

The Order vested the DHS Secretary with subjective discretion to label a “sanctuary city” and explicitly conditioned receipt of all federal funds on cooperation with DHS. Which violates the Constitution four different ways and also Karma, who piped up to remind them that red states had successfully sued the Obama administration for trying to withhold money for not complying with the ACA.

DOJ lawyers argued that despite the plain language of the law, it wasn’t a threat. And they weren’t going to withhold money for education and Medicaid, just, ummmm … law enforcement stuff. But then Trump sat down with Gropey O’Reilly and cleared the whole thing up.

I don’t want to defund anybody. I want to give them the money they need to properly operate as a city or a state. If they’re going to have sanctuary cities, we may have to do that. Certainly that would be a weapon. […] I’m very much opposed to sanctuary cities. They breed crime. There’s a lot of problems. If we have to we’ll defund, we give tremendous amounts of money to California . . . California in many ways is out of control.

BUH-BYE. No, for serious, BITCH, BYE!

Courts Tell Trump to GTFO With His Transgender Military Ban

After courts kicked the Trump administration in the nuts about 40 times, they stopped letting Bannon write Executive Orders and started letting IRL lawyers look at laws before they had a big signing ceremony. But they couldn’t stop Commander Twitterfingers!

After Congresswoman Vicky Hartzler (R-Bigot) told Trump he was getting no pesos for his Wall until the military stopped funding gender reassignment surgeries, the old fool tweeted,

Of course he hadn’t consulted with his generals, there is zero harm to military readiness from trans troops, and the medical costs related to their care is negligible. Which is why General Mattis had told Vicky Hartzler to go pound sand in the first place. At first the military tried to ignore the old man — tweets aren’t orders. But in August he signed a directive delegating authority to Mattis to implement the new ban.

At every turn, courts have told the Trump administration NO! and SHUT UP! and finally GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! People came out of the closet, enrolled in ROTC, and planned their lives in anticipation of the ban being lifted, and it violates due process to take away their rights because of a presidential tweetstorm. So next week, the military will begin accepting openly transgender recruits. Which is NICETIMES, since basic human decency is something we’re congratulating ourselves for in this Trumpian hellscape.

Even better, the DC Circuit ruled that discrimination against trans people IS sex discrimination, which is huge! Other courts have held that discrimination against gays and trans people violates the 1964 Civil Rights Act — you can’t fire someone for being a lady, thus you can’t fire someone for being the wrong kind of lady, i.e. one who sleeps with other ladies, or was born with a penis. But this is far from settled law, and if Trump’s stupid trans tweets end up bolstering this legal standard, it will be fucking beautiful.

Looking Ahead: Gerrymandering

As it stands now, partisan gerrymandering is totally kosher as long as you don’t use race as a basis for drawing your districts. It’s perfectly legal for Republicans to try to dilute the power of urban Democrats by slicing them up into a hundred districts; they just can’t use race to figure out where to do the slicing. In the past, Republican mapfuckers have generally used “black” as a proxy for “Democratic,” which is why districts in Texas and North Carolina got tossed this year. But with granular voting data and better computers, the mapfuckers will soon be able to do the cutting without leaving a mile-wide trail that says, PUT THE BROWN PEOPLE HERE! And then we are all screwed, because the GOP will be able to gerrymander the country even more to shit.

This fall, the Supreme Court heard a challenge to Wisconsin’s ridiculous districts, which ensure that Republicans will continue to take 60% of the seats while receiving 50% of the votes. Does this violate Democrats’ First Amendment and Equal Protection Rights?

IT SURE AS SHIT DOES! YOUR WONKETTE FOR SUPREME COURT JUSTICE!

Sadly, Your Wonkette will probably not be nominated for a seat on the Court any time soon. So it’s all down to Justice Kennedy now. You can read our award-winning dramatization of the Supreme Court argument in the gerrymandering case right here. Perhaps there’s a chance, however small, that the Supreme Court will do the right thing?

We’re taking it as a good sign that this month the court agreed to hear a Maryland case where the mean Democrats are gerrymandering to repress Republican votes. Your FDF can confirm, Maryland is hilariously rigged to make sure that shitweasel Andy Harris is the only Republican in our Congressional Delegation.

Is this the companion case that will allow the Court to make a Both Sides argument? Let’s just say YES. Because it’s New Year’s, and we choose to be optimistic. Because this year could have been SO MUCH WORSE if the Trump administration weren’t so shockingly incompetent. Because in 2017, the lawyers held the line. So, thanks for letting me Lawsplain to you this year, Wonkers! And a very Happy New Year to you all!

Love,
FDF

Did you know it is good luck to money Your Wonkette on New Year’s Eve? Science Fact!

$
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  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    it certainly is a fascinating time to be a student of the legal field – stuff in class shows up in the real world and vice versa!

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      All the more reason Republicans want to get rid of college or at least make it out of reach for anyone who might actually use the law or change the law to better their lot in life. Y’all don’t need book-lurnin’ stuff, ‘cuz thinkin’ is fer nerdz and city-folk elites. Just read yer Babbles or, better yet, let them thar preacher read it to ya.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        as a punk rocker lower middle class raised, albeit white straight, het dude, I can say there’s nothing “they” fear more than people who know their rights and how to protect them, and are willing to do it. That last part is the key!

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

          Yup. The bigliest thing they fear is being exposed for their incompetence by those they deem lesser.

  • Rick Hill

    Is this the open thread yet?
    No
    Is this the open thread yet?
    No
    Is this the open thread yet?
    No
    Is this the open thread yet?
    No
    Is this the open thread yet?
    No

    • Not until 9 or 10. Maybe midnight. I can’t remember from last year that seems like 10 years ago

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Oops–I thought the whole day was open thread!

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        me also too.

    • New post every hour until midnight. So, not until The Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year has sung.

      • theCryptofishist

        I had forgotten about Legislative Shitmuffin… Can Cruz win again?

        • sarafina

          Not if Senator Anchor Baby is counting on my vote.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      The 2:15am thread, IIRC.

    • theCryptofishist

      This is what I want to post on the open thread…
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfdLh0MHqKw
      Now, aren’t you sorry that you didn’t wait to see that till you were drunk?

      • Stinky_Hole

        A holiday-viewing tradition for their grandchildren and great-grandchildren I can only hope.

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    Tangentially, on Friday a Federal Court in California issued an injunction that stated a school district could not violate a student’s First Amendment right to protest by instituting a rule requiring all students to stand for the National Anthem.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Related, sort of:

    I’m finally getting around to that insipid NYT article on Donald (kill me, there was football to watch) and it is even worse than I thought FFS:

    But he has bristled at the restraints imposed on the presidency as few have, lashing out at judges, lawmakers, investigators and journalists who anger him and expressing frustration that he is not supposed to use the F.B.I. as he sees fit. His sense of government is not based on coalition building or a balancing act between equal branches. It is one where he deems what is necessary and the system should fall in line.

    As he told The New York Times in recent days, he believes he has an “absolute right” to order the Justice Department to open or close investigations into himself or his foes. Some lawyers say he has a point, that the Constitution gives him wide latitude over the executive branch. But since Watergate, at least, no other president would publicly assert such power in such a raw political fashion, and critics have warned that thwarting the special counsel’s Russia investigation could lead to impeachment proceedings.

    Talk of “absolute” power and a noted affinity for foreign strongmen have fueled fears of authoritarianism. For the most part, Mr. Trump, with some notable exceptions, has demonstrated more bark than bite. But that bark has become a power unto itself, and the question remains whether he will follow through on his threats in the next stage of his tenure or whether his attacks will prove ultimately self-defeating.

    Mr. Trump is creating precedents that may outlast his tenure. He is making the presidency more authentic or more autocratic, depending on the vantage point. Either way, it may never be the same.

    I’ve heard of “we report, you decide,” but Jesus. Imagine if the NYT had been the paper of record when Hitler came to power FFS…

    • Daniel

      This is what happens when you fear accusations of bias more than you value truth.

    • Catstro

      “He didn’t really mean those anti-Semitic things he said, it’s just a show for the rubes”…
      https://mobile.nytimes.com/times-insider/2015/02/10/1922-hitler-in-bavaria/?referer=

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      Some lawyers say he has a point

      I’m guessing one of them is former W lawyer and “child testicles can be crushed to force terrorist compliance” author John Yoo.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Not worried. Any Dem president who asserted even a hint of absolute anything would be tarred, feathered, run out on a rail, hacked, dismembered, dragged through the South by four horsemen and then dismembered again, and denied an HBO account.

      • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

        Library card: Revoked.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      If there is a silver lining, it’s that an autocratic buffoon and his venal, corrupt, cowardly enablers in Congress Have reminded the sane people in this country that Congress is supposed to provide oversight.

  • weejee

    Oh fudge! It’s Qusay’s birthday and I forgot to send him a card. Sad.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/98fb71803b47cb319aa0383cbca9a8e09730134f5e554dc2d329d9843549fa4f.jpg

    • msanthropesmr

      Between the ears.

      • theCryptofishist

        *sigh* I was gonna say that.

        • msanthropesmr

          Go ahead – we will pretend you were first.

          • theCryptofishist

            Always the gentleman.

      • Daniel

        In his chest.

        • Wonder

          Resembling a human soul

    • Msgr_MΩment

      “…THERE”

      • theCryptofishist

        Alice B. Toklas Lie-BuLLLLZQj!!!!

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      No, no, no. That’s Uday. The one weird trick to tell the difference between Uday and Qusay is to remember that Qusay looks like Gary Busay.

      https://pics.me.me/my-mom-fucked-gary-busey-gary-busey-is-eric-trumps-19054556.png

      • alpacapunchbowl

        I can actually totally see his resemblance to Vanky in this photo, so maybe she’s Busey spawn as well. Maybe Darth Cheeto knows it, and that’s why he thinks it’s okay to joke about banging “his” daughter?
        Yuk. I just totally grossed myself out.

        • theCryptofishist

          None of this is getting us any closer to the truth of that question, Which one is the smart one?

          • Jonny On Maui

            Hahaha!! There ain’t one!

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Say it with me, everybody.
            “NOT, K. None of them, Katie!”

          • Daniel

            The one they keep in the attic.

          • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

            Barron, the expert.

            The other two are Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻
    • Daniel

      “I literally don’t know how to take responsibility for anything.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      That’s Uday.

      Qusay is the one who looks like his mom slept with Gary Busey.

    • jesterpunk

      I didnt think he would be stupid enough to tweet out proof of collusion twice.

      http://thehill.com/senators/341523-dem-senator-i-didnt-predict-the-presidents-son-to-give-proof-of-collusion

    • tehbaddr

      Yeah, that’s not countenance of a bold faced liar !!!

  • Daniel

    This year I have learnt that there is a large portion of US society that sounds off loudly about their rights and the law but who really don’t think it’s right to complain about those thing actually being violated. I’ve learnt that these same people consider democracy merely a tool to establish something like dictatorship, and consider elections going their way as license to silence their opponents.
    I’ve learnt there are a lot of people who consider the President to be a person they should copy- when that President behaves like an exaggerated version of all their worst impulses.

    I have also learnt that there are people with principles who will say “fuck that”, albeit in Latin, and will use their education and skills to support those principles.

    Thank you for that.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I learned that these same people voted for Trump “because he wasn’t politically correct” and was willing “to tell it like it is”- anotherwords a crude, vulgar, racist, bully. But these people are outraged if you dare to criticize HIM.

      • Daniel

        The people who wore “fuck your feelings” t shirts are mortified that their feelings are now getting fucked.

        c.f. leopards and faces.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    I admire the cut of Five Dollar Mom’s jib and would like to subscribe to her newsletter.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    Nice piece $5DF!

    That massive turn out by the lawyers in january and your articles and the legal beagle commenters solidified my interest in law and inspired me to stay in this field and get better at it.

    Thanks everyone.

    And some lawyers are fantastic people, a lot are scum, but when people get divorced, get into a car accident, get arrested or a sentient piece of digested and excreted cheeto gets elected to POTUS, suddenly those lawyer jokes aren’t so funny, huh!?!? ; p

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      All stereotypes are bullshit!

    • ariel_gee_398

      Not all of my classmates are trying to save the world, though some are. But I went to school with a great group of people, and the vast majority of them are working to make sure facts and reason still matter, that people are fair in their arguments and in their actions.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        did your school have a strong public service “culture”? I’ve noticed, dreamily browsing law school websites, some (in the lefty type areas) seem to be encourage it and promote it…others, not so much.

        • ariel_gee_398

          Not really. I’d say the culture was intellectual rigor and public engagement, but not service. In fact, that’s probably my biggest/only complaint about the place. I was pretty involved with the various public interest organizations and there was almost no career support for it, and not a big alumni networking focus, unlike on the corporate side.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Thanks 5$F! You do us law-talkin’ folks proud!

  • tehbaddr

    This Year? Well it has been shit, I expect to be shat on more in the next year!

  • Shrieking Harpy

    Thanks Five Dollar Feminist! I promise no more lame references to “kill all the lawyers.”

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      what’s wrong with a little Shakespeare? that’s a funny joke when you remember the historical plays at the time were mostly for the lawyers to learn their history so the audience would have been entirely lawyers for that line.

      • Shrieking Harpy

        But my usage of the line was always less high-minded.
        ETA: That wasn’t intended as snark.

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    yeah, about those Texas maps that were sort of not actually thrown out…

    SCOTUS told us to use them for 2018. oops.

    this is sort of a case that’s been going on steadily since 2003 when Tom Delay laid a deuce about how we needed to update the maps sometime (which we had done 2 years prior per our state constitution), so it’s not like it’s new for a federal court to tell us our maps are jacked.

    https://www.texastribune.org/2017/12/25/analyses-rearview-mirror-texas-redistricting/

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      You could say it’s a… DeLay of execution.

      (I’ll show myself out.)

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        that’s what we say about DeLay’s money laundering case.

    • sarafina

      Damn. Well, Alabama came through, maybe the browns in TX will.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Anne Of Green Bagels

      AOT, K!

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      He’s almost through Hop On Pop.

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        He really liked “Green eggs & Borscht.”

        • Daniel

          Very sick and bad Sam
          No one likes green eggs and, you know, believe me ham
          More than I do,
          Sam I am!
          Many people are saying Sam
          No one is more than I am!

    • Daniel

      Documents. Many documents. Ocean documents.

    • Kryptonian Canis

      He stopped reading new books after Marty Davis gave him a copy of My New Order by Adolf Hitler.

      • Daniel

        No mention of Peter Hook in here at all!!! Sad!

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        you mean he somehow finished All Quiet On The Western Front finally?

        • Daniel

          He was disappointed because it was actually quite loud. Remarque put in so many words you have to sound out loud, terrible writing.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            it was also quite Germanic.

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      Diet by Coke
      Alternative Facts by K-Con on the Cob
      Grace by Dr. Ben “Stabby” Carson
      Bannon Sux Cox by Moochies
      Chocolate Cake by Mar-A-Lago

      that’s as far as he got before he went blind staring at the eclipse.

    • Spurning Beer

      Everyone Poops

      • OneYieldRegular

        Not everyone. To recycle an old George Carlin joke about Richard Nixon, Donald Trump looks like he hasn’t pooped in a quarter century.

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      All of them that were on Fox and Friends Book Circle. Ha ha, I kid. They can’t read either.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      If asked, I’d bet Donald Trump could come up with 2 books: Art of the Deal and the Bible, neither of which he has ever read! https://t.co/7RE5oBP4GS— John Dean (@JohnWDean) January 1, 2018

  • wait! what?

    In other totally fake news;

    I think I need a lawyer ’cause I’ve been bragging like a common drunk Papadapolous that I’ve been using my Soros bucks to launder money for Hillary through bogus florist shops.

    #Geranium1

  • Kryptonian Canis

    It seems like Trump can’t put a nefarious plan in motion without immediately gloating about it in public, and tweeting-out all the critical details we need to know in order to stop him from activating the Death Laser. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/01e6252c97b776d793ad5816b63d13b91bdacc42314051f2325fa02d8e83d811.jpg

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    August found us with no guests, and I went back into high gear working around the house. I started buying and propagating succulents (and lots of other plants, too), something I always wanted to do. Jonny goes out of his way to be supportive of the things I like. My little nursery is full, and soon, I’m going to be up to my arse in succulents. Having my own home is one of my biggest dreams come true in 2017. When I was little, my Dad built my sister and I these amazing wooden dollhouses. I loved mine, and spent hours (and years) decorating and taking care of that little house. Now I get to do that in a real house. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/eb499ebe5af897943fed71c567be7a7b97338a4ca4af1316cc8e7402c2913277.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e955f4f8757ee090a001df7e983777377ab8fdb6c7e94c9b3d9582abd67c7bba.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/528aad648a7761c27d493d508c08602ea630ea44a370f5417f99cc70590c92d9.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8313a7087f055fbdb5308a317137837898427b2c0979f0b9e0412ef85145ff41.jpg

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Those are lovely. Succulents are the way to go. They are beautiful and don’t require constant fuss.

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        They’re like cocaine to me. I can’t quite them.

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          I would be much happier if I grew them instead of trying to grow a cottage garden in Southern California

    • Jonny On Maui

      That’s “your comely arse”…

    • RC
      • Jonny On Maui

        Now you’ve done it…

        • tehbaddr

          You have said that a lot the past year!

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        Gorgeous!

    • tehbaddr

      So, you are lacking Guests?

    • OneYieldRegular

      Beautiful. But, um, isn’t that whole island just one big succulent garden?

    • Hillpiper

      that’s wonderful!

    • BradtheBot

      We had a lot of succulents when we lived in CA, but decided to only rehome my favorite when we moved to what is presently the land of -3 F. We call her Audrey III, https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/051ab234b5ed3393325909d353b9983915b4b050addc5780f1207567120d825e.jpg in honor of Audrey II from The Little Shop of Horrors.

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        Feed me, Seymour!

  • memzilla Ω
    • Daniel

      Diet Coke is not available in North Korea.

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        I bet it is for Dear Leader.

    • Jeffocaster in the East

      It’s OK. Just the Staples button marked FIRE! snuck in by the CIA….

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      but does he have a button for diet coke?

      • BosGrl

        Otherwise, loser.

    • ariel_gee_398

      So then who has the targeting system?

    • wait! what?

      #RE-BREAKING Dear Leader has red button executed because the nuclear option is more popular than he is.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Oooooh, a button — North Korea’s getting sophisticated, y’all!

  • Kiri the Unicorn
    • Jeffocaster in the East

      THE SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • wait! what?

      I didn’t know James Spader could sing so well.

      • RC

        He stands in front of the Stargate it gives him better resonance.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          I remember standing behind a teenage kid and his dad in line at Blockbuster back in the day shortly after “sex, lies, and videotape” was out on vhs. The dad made some dumb crack like “Sex, lies and videotape, that could be a good one, huh?” and the kid says, all pissy, “That movie sucks, all they do is talk the whole time!”

          • RC

            and that is why we have non stop super hero movies.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Some of them are pretty good. There’s just too many of them.
            Imagine how pissed the kid woulda been if someone from the future (i.e., now) told him there’s a thing called the internet where you can get any kind of porn you want for free.

          • RC

            You’re right. Some of them are good. I enjoyed Dr. Strange for one.

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    are we going to get a DSFBs greatest hits 2017 before we’re too drunk to enjoy them?

    • gallbladder

      I hope so, ’cause drunk.

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        but are you TOOOOO drunk? I guess that question sort of answered itself when you tried to eat Lorax.

        • Jeffocaster in the East

          20 mule team Lorax?

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            no. Lorax — the only candidate who will win in 2020 because Lorax is LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE!

            LORAX 2020: YES WE UNLESS! UNLESS WE YES!

          • RC

            I can still hear Reagan doing the voice over.

        • gallbladder

          How’d you know about that?

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            you told me.

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      Dirty sucking fuck balls?

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        no. Fuck Balls are like Debutante Balls, but with orgies. we have them at Slut Camp.

        • Catstro

          This one time, at Slut Camp…

      • Jonny On Maui

        Dear Shit For Brains…

        • An Outhouse for the résistance

          Duh.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Sorry. Not drunk yet…

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            LORAX 2020: STILL CAFFEINATED!

      • tehbaddr

        Shwetty BAlls!

  • Jeffocaster in the East

    2017, year of the FUCKFACE.

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      LORAX 2020: FUCKBALLS FOR EVERYONE!

      • tehbaddr

        How does one use a “Fuckball”? Do you mount it and get off, much like a begrudging partner the early morning?

        • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

          see below.

          • tehbaddr

            So, like a sweet sixteen orgy, but more randy and base?

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            LORAX 2020: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO FUCKBALLS!

          • tehbaddr

            FUCKBALLS for everyone! YOU GET ONE, AND YOU GET ONE, AND YOU GET ONE !!!

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba
    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      I live for these Fuckface comments.

  • gallbladder

    California in many ways is out of control.

    Wow! Bestest deal maker in the world says that about the world’s sixth largest economy in his own back yard. GENIUS!!!

    • OneYieldRegular

      California is in many ways out of control? He has no idea yet.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Wait until tomorrow! Recreational cannabis sales start, don’t they?

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Stuck at work for a few hours yet. I wish a few more of my colleagues would clear the fuck out of here so I could bust out my flask of Balvenie Doublewood for me and my pals here.
    Go home, lame-os!

    • gallbladder

      Can we write you a note?

    • altleftjohn

      I hate it when that happens.

    • Shrieking Harpy

      Just rip off your clothes and start speaking in tongues. That might clear the place.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        It might work.
        I would like to hang on to this gig though, so I think I’ll just try to be patient even though patience is not one of my fortes.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    We’re becoming Pakistan. Save us lawyers.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Sure thing, We’re just gonna need a signed retainer letter and a cashier’s check.

      • BosGrl

        The Trump Org will have that check in the mail.

    • Daniel

      Do you have cricket playing lawyers in the US?

      • wait! what?

        This one turtle-senator eats them.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Better call Saul

    • You think they don’t have lawyers in Pakistan?

      • An Outhouse for the résistance

        They do. Their lawyers shut things down and march enmass to maintain civil society. They are the best lawyers.

        • hahahahahahaha
          here’s a smattering of great lawyers for you
          Neil Gorsuch
          Jared Kushner
          Mitch McConnell
          Kris Kobach

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    For those of you already in 2018, what’s it like?

    • Daniel

      Dark.

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        Turning to mostly scattered light in the morning?

        • Daniel

          Trump willing.

          • gallbladder

            Then not then.

          • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

            Triump of the will?

          • altleftjohn

            Will-o-the-wisp?

          • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

            Will and Grace or GTFO.

        • altleftjohn

          It gets dark, it gets light. You can’t explain that.

          • Daniel

            Sun goes up, sun goes down. You can’t explain that.

    • Changeling

      The entire year has been calm and uneventful. Sleepy, even.

      • Changeling

        But I have been drinking the whole year.

    • Regret

      Stuff went boom and in very bright and colorful ways. Also, I got sick of a house-mate’s impromptu party so I went to my room and watched star trek instead. Good times.
      I wonder if i won the new years lottery, cant be bothered to find my tickets, I hope no-one stole them.

  • Phried Ω

    Wonkette reading and writing lawyers restore my faith in the rule of law.

    • OrG

      Faith- believing something there is no evidence for.

      • Phried Ω

        sometimes that is all you have to go with. If an adult tells you that the policeman is your friend ask for a lawyer.

        • CripesAmighty

          This.

  • HazooToo
  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    Is this our open thread, because if so, I just have to state a fun fact: A cosmopolitan is 80% alcohol and yeah, whatever the other percentage is is cranberry juicy. Do not try these unless you are a professional.

    • HazooToo

      Every thread is open thread today.

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        I love you, man.

        • HazooToo

          I love you too! Lets make cosmos and grow old together.

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      LORAX 2020: I’M A PROFESSIONAL!

    • gallbladder

      Can I get one?

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        I’d share but I only have a pitcher left.

        • gallbladder

          Damn!

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        How close are you to Longwood Gardens?

        • gallbladder

          Let me know and I’ll book passage (Calgary)

          • Persistent Tennessee Rain

            It’s a mere one continent away. Easy peasy for those in search of the perfect cosmopolitan.

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      I love cranberry juice. Sounds better if 80% alcohol.

    • Raan

      Fuck it, it’s New Year’s. They’re all open threads.

    • notaten

      I am not a bartender, but I’m pretty sure a Cosmo has something else not cranberry juice in it, but whatever, I think vodka-cranberry is the best, especially if you squeeze a bunch of lime in there. Whatever it is, if you like it, then it is the best, and that’s all that matters!

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        1 1/2 parts orange vodka, 1 1/2 parts citron vodka, (total o 3 parts vodka) 1/2 part that fancy name for triple sec, 1/2 part cranberry, twist of lime, splash of orange.

        • notaten

          That’s a lot of alcohol, which I personally support as a good thing. Maybe the triple Sec sweeeeeetnes that gives me such a bad headache. If you like it, and it likes you, you drink it babe.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Cranberry juicy sounds much more fun than cranberry juice!
      Back in college my crew of gay dudes I was pals with would tease me when I’d order a vodka cranberry, “whaddya got a UTI again?” but fuck it, that’s a tasty drink.

    • Snowbound Ron
  • Sorry dude lawyers are awful people who worship process and serve wealth to the extent that they have a special Latin phrase for “not worth my fucking time, pshaw” (de minimis)

    • HazooToo

      Hey, we have pet lawyers and lawyerlings here!

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        And they have great stories!

        • HazooToo

          You’ve been sued before, haven’t you?

        • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler
          • ariel_gee_398

            Besides, as my civ pro professor taught me – there are three kinds of lawyers, those who can do math, and those who can’t.

          • yyyaz

            Dan Dobbs taught us that in Torts.

          • jesterpunk

            I thought that related to programmers?

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            I’m still going with the Shakespeare one. but I’m sure many lawyers could tell me some really funny lawyer jokes.

          • Daniel

            The Shakespeare one is actually supportive of lawyers, isn’t it?

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            not really.

      • yyyaz

        Retired ones too also as well.

        • HazooToo

          Grandlawyers!

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          Lawyers never retire. They may stop practicing, but they never retire. Just ask their spouses and kids.

          • yyyaz

            Hey, you leave my family out of this, or I will file a cease and desist, TRO and a civil suit for intentional infliction of mental distress. So there!

          • Phried Ω

            You sound like you need a lawyer. You don’t plan on representing yourself do you?

          • Rebel Scum with permit

            I used to tell my so that when he was being harassed about his age in his corporate job “ just wave the magic wand and say intentional infliction of emotional distress”.

          • yyyaz

            It sounds way better than it works, but it still sounds impressive when said in the right tone of voice.

    • msanthropesmr

      You should probably try to find a gig writing for Slate.

      • Tishalicious

        Lithwick libelz!! I love her…

        • RC

          In the wayback machine when AirAmerica was alive. Al Franken use to have her on his show pretty regularly. She’s great.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Or even just go make non-comments there instead of here.

  • Sophia

    Those terrorist lawyers showing up at the airport with their briefcases to save the people from ICE & CBP were awesome!

  • Spurning Beer

    How many lawyers does it take to defend Donald J. Trump?

    (AOTK is not an acceptable answer.)

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Any number will do, They just have to be not very bright

    • jesterpunk

      Well since he hasn’t paid lawyers in the past he only gets the top lawyers who will work for free.

      • yyyaz

        Zombie Clarence Darrow?

        • alpacapunchbowl

          Clarence Darrow would be working for Mueller.

        • Phried Ω

          Saint Clarence wouldn’t take the case.

        • Rooster Cogburn105

          The Para-lawyer from The Client?

    • Raan

      All the dumb, jaded ones.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      That’s easy: None. Why did I say “None?”

      Simple, Trump won’t keep his trap shut. He convicts himself no matter what his lawyers do.

      This is not rocket sur…you know the rest.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh shit — the Supreme Court. Gorsuch needs to be on the impeachment list, after Pence and Assmouth.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Being a smartass, incompetent twerp isn’t good enough. He has to break the law- like his mom did.

      • jesterpunk

        Does it count if every other justice thinks he is a fucking moron too stupid to even get their coffee?

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

          Depends on if he’s stupid enough to also too share Clarence’s Diet Coke.

          • jesterpunk

            Even Clarence thinks he is a fucking moron the one time he talked.

          • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

            I don’t think he actually talked. I think it was more of a disgusted grunt. Point well taken, though.

      • SayItWithWookies

        With a fine legal mind such as he has, he must have touched an intern sometime in the last year or two.

  • Sophia
    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻
    • Been there. Done that

      • gallbladder

        Be glad of it.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻
        • Stinky_Hole

          Oh how sad. They found this poor frozen kitty out in the snow and subjected his corpse to such an indignity. Any live one woulda left blood all over the snow.

        • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

          Fun fact: at -40 it literally doesn’t matter if it’s C or F.

      • Sophia

        How bad did you get slammed this week? Luckily I’m a little west of where the snow dump usually starts.

        • It’s a bit messy in the county around London. The problems in city are more related to ongoing incompetent city management

          • Sophia

            Been there, done that.

          • Incompetent management is our city’s hall mark

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            I miss Jane Bigelow, because I am a Very Old.

    • Kiri the Unicorn
    • Shrieking Harpy

      Because I live in Manisnowba, just west of Winterpeg, I have to report that here it’s -24, with a wind chill of -37. And that’s Celsius.

      ETA: Because of the extreme cold, other Canadian cities have cancelled or abbreviated their outdoor NYE festivities and fireworks. In Winnipeg, it’s outdoor NYE happenings as usual, sweeties. Bring your skates and wear your parkas!

      • Sophia

        You got me beat. -18 with a wind chill of -22 here.

      • Sophia

        Don’t forget your long underwear! stay warm

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        Someday I’m going to have to get up there for a Canuckistani New Year’s Eve celebration, to see the Giant Frozen Timbit drop from the CN Tower. I hear the last ten seconds before midnight moves twice as slow as in the USA, because you have to count backwards in English and French…

      • Dazza

        I don’t miss that. Nuh-uh.

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        Meanwhile the Edmonton All-Male Ballet will be presenting their outdoor performance of The Nutcracker Suite.

      • Moar Wordz

        Do people go outside with every exposed inch of skin covered ?

    • Snowbound Ron

      That was me this afternoon. At least it was clear and sunny so the last vestiges of warmth could radiate away into space.

    • Opalescent Riddles

      *mile’s

      • Sophia

        Yea, “nostil’s” too

        • Opalescent Riddles

          And “breeze’s”. Since two out of three plurals were cast as possessives, I thought we should go for the hat trick. A google search on the first line pulls up text versions without the greengrocer’s apostrophes.

  • Baconzgood

    For Baconz 2017 in the courts sucked. In fact except for one or two bright spots ALL of 2017 sucked and I hope 2018 is better.

    • Rick Hill

      Iit will be better. I guarantee. Your expectations are way lowered so that’s it right there

    • Stinky_Hole

      Don’t let the bastards grind you down. I remember that quote from Margaret Atwood (but i’m not caring enough to go look for the actual Latin quote).

      • altleftjohn
        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Yes, this:
          From Wikipedia (sue me):

          Illegitimi non carborundum is a mock-Latin aphorism meaning “Don’t let the bastards grind you down”. (The real Latin language phrase with the meaning would be Noli pati a scelestis opprimi.)

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            Semper ubi sub ubi

  • msanthropesmr
  • Rick Hill

    It’s a proven fact that the wimmins like bad boys. Well, you know the directions on tv dinners, halfway through, take it out and stir? Don’t do it. Uh-uhn.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      MONSTER!

      • Rick Hill

        And, I don’t just eat canned clams. I also drink the oil/clam juice.

        • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

          With a straw?

          • Rick Hill

            Straws are for girly men

    • Raan

      Don’t make out with your TV dinners, kids.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        You couldn’t pay me to fuck Swanson Bowtie Pasta anyway.

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f4d82099f66068b644398a6d819847d6bb7a46e3aa2f25c04f33db11c458b845.jpg

        Not what “fuckface” actually means.

        • Rick Hill

          His angry face looks like he’s wondering if he should risk it being a gas, not a solid

        • jesterpunk

          He needs to lay off of Alex Jones’ trucker speed.

          • Rick Hill

            Gettin rid of the bow tie really made him so much more macho

          • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

            It also unleashed his other two chins.

        • Regret

          That should have said ‘Make White America Hate Again’, that way the acronym is MWAHA which is how you should respond.

      • An Outhouse for the résistance

        Especially after drinking as much as Rick has.

    • Spurning Beer

      But you respect the integrity of those labels on pillows and mattresses, “Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law,” though, don’t you?

    • Jonny On Maui

      If I have to do more than remove packaging and cut a slit it never leaves the freezer…

      • Rick Hill

        Cut a slit? Pffft. Better get going. your Mom is calling you, it’s getting dark out.

    • HazooToo

      YOU FUCKING MANIAC! MARRY ME!

      • Rick Hill

        (Leans against the fence…takes a drag off my cigaret….lets it out….)
        No…

    • Master Contrail Program

      Hell, I don’t even let it stand for a few minutes before serving.

      Some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on.

  • msanthropesmr

    Msanthrope is in fact a lawyer. She says right on.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Trump says, ‘Happy New Year’. We didn’t have New Year before because of Obama PC Sharia. Now we can get drunk and smooch with strangers. MAGA!

  • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

    On the issue of Gerrymandering, Five-Thirty-Eight is in the midst of a six-part podcast on that very subject. It’s infuriating in places but also too, informative:

    https://fivethirtyeight.com/tag/the-gerrymandering-project/

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I will listen- but I’m curious if they address the concept that gerrymandering can actually work against a political party if enough pissed off independants and people who normally don’t vote turn out? I’d read that somewhere but don’t have a link.

      • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

        So far, I don’t think they have. Still two more episodes to go, however.

  • HazooToo
    • jesterpunk

      Cant argue with that logic

    • Stinky_Hole

      “I said go get the toy.”

      • jesterpunk
        • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

          Dogs sure do love their boners.

          • Jon Sussex

            knick-knack paddywhack.

        • Shan

          That’s not from the airport, from under the wheel of a parked aircraft?

        • gallbladder

          Whoaaa! Hey! Hang on a minute…

          • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

            Gulp, what happened to the McNuggets?

        • SayItWithWookies

          So much for thinking it would be fun to put a squeaky in the dildo.

          • Moar Wordz

            That dog KNOWS what it is, he’s bursting with A-HA

    • gallbladder

      Yassssssss!

      • HazooToo

        I can’t even express to you how much I needed this in my life!

      • Zippy49

        Damn! And I thought Dachshunds were horndogs!

        Or maybe they have better taste…

  • jesterpunk

    A Nazi punching post is up now.

    • yyyaz

      Posts for punching Nazis are great. Whipping posts even better.

      • Snowbound Ron

        I favour metal fences, but primarily for use in winter. The one around Osgoode Hall in Toronto has genuine Victorian cast-iron spikes on it!

    • Daniel

      I vote we call it a Hillory.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “Some false representations contravene the law; some do not. … The sensibilities of no two men are the same. Some would refuse to sell property without carefully explaining all about its merits and defects, and putting themselves in the purchasers’ place and inquiring if he himself would buy under the circumstances. But such men never would be prosperous merchants…The law does not pretend to punish everything that is dishonest. That would seriously interfere with business, and, besides, could not be done. The line between honesty and dishonesty is a narrow, shifting one and usually lets those get by that are the most subtle and already have more than they can use.”

    — Clarence Darrow

    • yyyaz

      One of my all-time Merkin heroes. *sniff*

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      first day of contracts class – BUYER BE BEWARE!

      Or maybe second, I forget.

      • Doug Langley

        I thought the first day of contracts class was “Mr Hart! I posted the assignment for the first day on the bulletin board. NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING IN MY CLASS!!!”

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          heh, we DID eventually learn about McGee but was disappointed we never learned it as “the hairy hand” like most students.

          harrumph.

          • BillEGoatSmirk

            The hairy hand case was the first thing I learned in the first day of contracts! It gave me hope that 9 months of contract law might actually include some fun and interesting topics. Yeah. No.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            Right?
            Damn UCC almost killed me. (and i’m not in actual law school)

  • Shan

    That cheeseburger was a terrible idea.

    • HazooToo

      They often are.

      • h4rr4r

        Cheeseburger libels!

    • gallbladder

      Could I have another?

      • Shan

        You can have my next one.

        • Resistor Radio

          Hey @Shan – do you still have that linky for the cheap Malta travel? (It’s not exactly a New Years resolution , but I want to do some traveling)

          • Shan

            I don’t be remember anything like that. Are you sure it was me?

          • Resistor Radio

            I thought it was but if it wasn’t then I have no idea who it was. I swear I thought you had mentioned that it was safe for solo ladytravel

          • kareemachan

            I…. think we’d all like to know about it….

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        and pay for it on Tuesday?

    • Shrieking Harpy

      ‘Tis the nature of cheeseburgers: lovely to look at, yummy to eat, but too soon oft regretted.

    • KFC, also to… https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/daee80d726bc7745e886b5badf9e1ba98469849df47f3cc87ac882a8ce2dde4c.jpg

      The little sweet quiches were the best, shrimp donuts second place

  • Snowbound Ron

    /me takes back some of the mean things he has said about lawyers over the years.

    • Sophia

      Like every profession it depends on the lawyer. Some are good, some bad and some are awesome.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        It’s not just lawyers- our justice system makes it infinitely worse.

        • Sophia

          ^^Definitely this^^

  • Dazza

    G’day from the future. We are well into daylight on 1 January 2018, and I can report that it is 33 degrees Celsius (91.4 F) with a light westerly breeze. Waves are 1-1.5 meters.

    Not bad so far. Mostly ’cause everyone – including politicians – is hungover.

    Trigg Beach.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d0a11b49acf710a1a15ae09d920c4911f6971a422a8a0697840eef84c17dc8f1.jpg

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻
    • Shrieking Harpy

      Can we do a Commonwealth exchange program? I can live in your house during my winter and you can live in mine during your winter. Seems sensible, no?

      • Dazza

        Mmmm, no. I spent the first 42 years of my life in Canada – so I have a get-out-of-freezing-winter card.

      • kareemachan

        Could we start a Wonkette exchange? We live in WA state and would like to wander afar after I retire in June…..

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I want to see Australia but those hunter spiders that wander in the house. You have to catch them with a gallon ice cream container….

      • Dazza

        I like Huntsmen spiders. They are kinda fuzzy and cute – like nightmare Muppets.

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          I have read that they are harmless, and it’s the little spiders you have to watch out for. I just can’t make friends with an insect the size of my hand….

    • NorthernSaber

      Well, in Maine the yearly fireworks were lit by yours truly in burning cold (-9 F, or -23C) on a deep snowpack under the Wolf moon. Our waves are freezing in place. I suspect many of my fellow Mainers are drinking in self-defense tonite to ward off frostbite. Tomorrow may be rough, and no shrimp will be on our barbies, I assure you!

      • Dazza

        At $20 a kilo – there wasn’t any shrimp on my barbie, either.

        ‘Strewth, that is expensive!

      • Sakonyachen

        I have to go receive an order outside in windchill -10F and I just stand there watching. Also too, the place where “the shed” is(yes, they call it the shed) is in the only open area for a mile or two. All the wind funnels towards me. Huzzah! More like -25F wind chill. I’m a Nordic type, but I’m not a polar bear. It will suck. STL is not supposed to be rivaling Maine until February.

        • NorthernSaber

          Our high today was 4F. We’re heading to -18 tonite. Wednesday it will warm to 20F, so that we might have a snowstorm on Thursday. I’m spending the next two weeks running a winter skills class in Maine’s far north- we won’t lack for cold or snow!

          • Sakonyachen

            We’re close, but definitely warmer. It’s not time for that here yet. Our lows should be in the teens, not the negative teens. Climate change is a frightening thing here lately

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    -Nancy the Lymphoma Kitty is still with me. I was going to-well..I didn’t think it was fair to keep her around, but two vets said she really wasn’t doing that badly. And she can damn well eat on the sofa if she wants to. Here’s to those who persist. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fd5c291e1444db0b18ddfed59076d5ec51ce68a5a27be1125320f4919f8ba767.jpg

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      As long as she isn’t in pain…

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        I asked, and no, lymphoma can sometimes make pets uncomfortable. But she screeches for food, she likes her scratches, and so far so good. The anemia is the problem, and it may eventually do her in. But she’s still enjoying life.
        God dammit cancer sucks I don’t care who or what you are!!!!!

        • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

          Quality of life is the key. Good on you for loving her.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Bravo and HNY to both of you!

    • Dazza

      {{{Hugs}}} to you both.

    • Suse

      Sweet Nancy! Here’s hoping you have more pain-free time on earth, lovely girl.

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      eat wherever and whatever you want, kitty!

    • kareemachan

      Let her be the judge. That’s what we did with our kittehs, and while it hurt like HELL when they left us, it was the right time. We’ve run out of propane, and our cats are keeping us warm until the truck gets here tomorrow. I heart kittehs.

    • Sakonyachen

      As long as you have the money or at least the willingness to sacrifice other indulgences, and she isn’t laying in a corner in pain, enjoy yourselves.

    • Hiss

      When cats decide to stop hanging in there they usually let you know. Until then, serve them and see to their comfort. They are sacred.

    • Moar Wordz

      Sweet girl 😍

  • CindyinEncinitas

    Res ipsa loquitor!

    • Dazza

      Gesundheit. Here, have a tissue.

  • amrak63

    In case I decide not to return after praying, then finishing up my DVD of the first season of Is The Order A Rabbit?, I’m going to post this a little early. Goodnight and Happy New Year, Wonketarians!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlDi4hpJsaY

    • Sophia

      Happy New Year!

    • Lord Jim

      Happy New Year!

  • bluicebank

    The Guardian has the usual list of people who died this year, except musicians only.
    https://www.theguardian.com/music/2017/dec/31/famous-americans-who-died-2017-celebrity-deaths

    I would like to note that Tom Petty was a good soul, and I base that because I heard him in an interview about the late 1970s, that he felt disco, drum machines, and dance music posed a mortal threat to Rock ‘n’ Roll, that it was his personal quest to combat such Visigoths cresting yon hill. He wouldn’t be my personal choice to lead the charge, yet the fact that he recognized the impending doom of ’70s Rock — and fought back — bespoke volumes about the man. That and he talked about California girls like he was there … she loved Jesus, and horses, too, but I was a bad boy. (L.A. County meets Orange County. We won.)

    Where was the group Boston? Nowhere, after they popped off a couple of great albums mid-decade. The Eagles were all broke up, same with the Doobies. The Stones were cashing in. The Sabbath and the Deep Purple were gone. Stevie Ray was just getting his groove on. We thought Robin Trower was the White Jimi Hendrix, but man the moon is so far away.

    The good die young.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgZjwHNcWqg

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      He was from Gainesville, Florida and when he was back visiting, acted like a regular guy, no celebrity bs.( My best friend lives there still.)

  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba
    • Shrieking Harpy

      Good to know.

      • NorthernSaber

        I’ve never gotten the Norwegian Death Metal thing. Norway is rich, ridiculously beautiful, and has the happiest-sounding language I’ve ever heard. So why are these guys torching stave churches and shooting sheep heads into the crowd?

        • javadavis

          Just guessing, but the nicest person has latent hostility sitting around on the back burner with no place to go. Probably the same for countries. I’d bet Norwegian Death Metal is like the safety valve on a pressure cooker. I didn’t even know there is such a thing as Norwegian Death Metal but I did grow up around Ballard, land of Scandinavian immigrants and their descendants. It is also the land of passive aggressive, so there is that.

        • 25% of all Norwegians have recessive genes.

          Any other questions?

          • Regret

            What? No! Get better at genetics or shut up about it.

        • Regret

          I’ll be in Norway tomorrow, I will ask them (and forget to tell you about their answer.)

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Maybe it is like here and one crazy guy does something once, and it becomes urban legend and we hear the fox (entertainment) news version of things. AKA total lies about it.

    • Sakonyachen

      And just what is wrong with Norwegian Death Metal? Aside from being Norwegian Death Metal?

      Seriously though, at least they aren’t like Norwegian Black Metal. Those guys murder each other. It’s like rap music here, except they are mad about who worships Cthulhu the hardest. Rap is an actual thing that happens, Cthulhu is not(allegedly). Cthulhu is the subject of some rather racist sci-fi stuff apparently, but is he really a good reason for Nordic white guys to murder each other? I don’t even believe the Bible is accurate, I’m sure as hell not gonna murder somebody over some even more ancient mythology.

    • Hiss

      An alpaca…
      Bit me when I was 8 years old (in Peru).

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Llamas will spit well digested grass on you if they feel threatened.

  • de_Pizan
  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

    1 in 10 young adults have been homeless over the past year, survey finds http://wapo.st/2zVa8QG?tid=ss_tw&utm_term=.68ab918baeac

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    And let’s give credit where credit is due. The otherwise awful Senator from Louisiana, John Kennedy, showed the world that Matthew Petersen didn’t know what a fucking “motion in limine” is. (I don’t either, but I’m not a lawyer.)

    https://youtu.be/c-zvNnFjk3Q

    • LadyLaz

      Every goddamn judge ought to know what one is

      — a drunk lawyer

    • As I understand it (having looked it up out of curiosity), it’s a pre-trial motion to limit the sorts of evidence that could come up in the trial. Not sure how it works or what it’s used for, but it seems to be a rather standard thing.

  • Dazza

    Thanks, ACLU. From an Aussie admirer.

  • Begin Anew Day

    OK Ms $5F!

    I am an older gentleman who cannot say bye-bye to 2017 fast enough.

    My beloved spouse died in June and then the dog used up her last calorie in November. Shit year? Yeah! A FUCKTON shit year.

    So here I am getting ready to stumble my way to bed. So if it is all the same to you I am going to use the power of my amazing imagination to conjure a nice fantasy.

    Imagine, if you will, a $5 Feminist who looks exactly like Helen Mirren! With all the restraint of a tavern wench from the Hyborian Age of Conan and the legal acumen of Ruth Bader Ginzburg!

    Uh! See Ya! Gotta go now!

    Happy New Year!

    • Fivedollarfeminist

      I’m sorry it was such a shit year! No one should have so much awful at once, especially a sweet older gentleman such as your own self. Here’s hoping 2018 is better. xoxox, FDF

      PS I don’t know how you found out about me, but you are right in every particular!

    • Lord Jim

      Sorry for your losses. Hope the new year is kinder to you.

    • LadyLaz

      I am so sorry.

      I raise a shot of cherry rum to your most beloved spouse

      • kareemachan

        And when I open the champers in about a minute, I will raise a toast to you and your loved ones as well. Losing loved ones is a BITCH.

    • WannabeTraveler

      I’m sorry 2017 was such a horrible year for you, dealing with one loss is bad enough. I hope 2018 is much kinder to you, Thank you for sharing, made me realize I need to be more grateful for what I have in my life. Take care and all the best.

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      It’s been a tough year. Glad you are with us, though. HNY to you, too.

    • Mike Steele

      May you find a wellspring to replenish your stunning resilience, and be surrounded by a host of folks who revere and appreciate it. HNY – MS/Lady MS

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      I hear you… it was a total shit year and, except for feeling a little blue that we’re leaving the last year El Dad ever saw and I don’t have a new job yet, I’m glad to see the back of it.

      Happy New Year… may 2018 be kinder and better in every way to us all.

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    I try to give to causes I believe in but FFS does every fucking democratic candidate and organization have to spam the fuck out of my mailbox today? It’s not like the donations are tax deductible, so the timing doesn’t mean fuck. Really, though, at least three emails each over the course of the day from 5 or 6 different bots. /rant>

    • kareemachan

      You’re lucky. I’m liberal as they come and I get crap from drumpster. Arggghh.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        How did you know? Was it written in giant crayon?

      • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

        I got on his list somehow too. And I stay on, mostly for teh lulz – and the occasional chance to go fill out one of his ‘puff me up pleeeze!’ surveys with what I *actually* think of him.

    • Sakonyachen

      I unsubscribed from all of those and yet, there they were again. Starting a day or two after Christmas.

  • Lord Jim
  • Jacob DiCiaula

    Great work done this year. Still, please don’t go to law school

    • kareemachan

      REAL lawyers are good. Shitgibbon lawyers sucketh big time.

      • Hesavebread!

        I too am proud of my Trans-Pondian tribe. Well done.

    • LadyLaz

      Yeah, there are some systemic issues in the practice of the legal profession

      • Jacob DiCiaula

        At least we have that outsized rate of alcoholism. Winning bigly!

  • Zyxomma

    Thank you, $5F, for everything you do, particularly for all the lawsplaining. Happy new year. Blessings of love, health, peace, abundance, prosperity, integrity, laughter, friendship, courage, creativity, community, and joy.

  • Mike Steele

    Damn, $5F, we knew there was something about you…Currently write freelance (custom poetry for special occasions, effective complaint letters and the like), and would happily do the ad copy free gratis if you’d like to start marketing a line of “We Survived Andy Harris” t-shirts:) After years of protests outside his office, attempted visits, calls, letters, op-eds, telephone town halls, etc., we are undoubtedly living rent-free in his head, Just this month, finally received a VERY detailed email reply that indicated someone actually read our message; it even ridiculously suggested that perhaps we could find some common ground…bwahahahaha. Also, too, in praise of lawyers, all props to MD AG for going to the mat against KKKris KKKobach’s voter ‘integrity’ scam. Y’all rock! HNY.

  • tehbaddr

    “Commander Twitterfingers”! FTW !!!

  • Funny how you hate lawyers until you need one…..

    • Zippy49

      Like cops, actually…

      • Sakonyachen

        Less risk calling a lawyer though.

      • William

        Speaking for myself, I don’t hate cops. I hate bad cops.

        • olcurmudgeon

          Speaking for myself, I don’t hate lawyers. I hate bad lawyers

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    Your lawyering and lawsplaining are the best. FDF… I’d walk over Legos to read them, so thank you for them!

    • Fivedollarfeminist

      Thank you! And a very happy new year!

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        Happy New Year to you, also too!!

  • cleos_mom

    Hartzler is my rep (theoretically — she’s a textbook teabagger). She’s high on my list of people I’d like to see pounding sand. Every day. For years and years and years.

  • Sakonyachen

    “But by January 30, courts in Brooklyn, Boston, Virginia, Seattle and Los Angeles had issued Stop Enforcing This Illegal Piece of Crap Orders.”

    Those town are full of libturd demoncrats!!! They don’t count!!! Well maybe Virginia? Did they decide this before they elected a lady boy?!?!

  • Sakonyachen

    “We’re taking it as a good sign that this month the court agreed to hear a Maryland case where the mean Democrats are gerrymandering to repress Republican votes. Your FDF can confirm, Maryland is hilariously rigged to make sure that shitweasel Andy Harris is the only Republican in our Congressional Delegation”

    It could be devious strategy. Dems create gerrymandering that will even receive the ire of people who tried to drink themselves to death when Trump won.

    Republicans say to themselves, “We must put a stop to this, this is injustice to to the voting public’s! They must be electing more Republicans because they are Moore Better!!!11#BENGHAZI!!”

    Conservative Supreme Court Justices will see this and say to themselves, “Hey, if we stop this, there will be more Conservatives from Maryland winning!”

    Thus they will put the reigns on Gerrymandering and elect less Republicans. It’s worth a shot.

  • BeatnikBob

    I stopped telling and listening to lawyer jokes after my lawyer got me joint custody and a fair divorce. Lawyers are lawyers. Not inhuman money bots.

    • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

      yeah, err-body hates on lawyers…til they need one

  • Moar Wordz

    EPIC LAWSPLAININ’ !!!!!!!
    You had me at ” rigged.”
    I’m serious, this be not sarcasm.

    Ummmmm, red herring, but does Queen Bey really pick the top ten ?

    ( Ducks behind ficus. )

    Didn’t get the memo on that.

    • Moar Wordz

      Yeah, but can some one tell me if Queen Bey really picks them or is inside joke ?

      Is inside joke, isn’t it ?

  • psychobroad

    Yes, thank you FDF! I have a law degree and when Trump got “elected” every bit of law got driven from my brain by sheer terror. So nice that so far the rules are still in place!

  • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

    i am completely a-smitten w/your mom, 5$f–she had me at ‘fuck off’

  • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

    “Sadly, Your Wonkette will probably not be nominated for a seat on the Court any time soon. So it’s all down to Justice Kennedy now.”

    dammit

  • Magnificent Mopery.

    Reminds me of the oft misinterpreted line from Shakespeare “First thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” In context, Dick the Butcher is talking about clearing the path for rebellion and lawlessness by removing the protectors of society — lawyers and judges.

    • garthpool

      Right. Renquist and Scalia and Thomas et. al., our protectors. Bush v. Gore. Citizens United. District of Columbia v. Heller.

      ‘In an address before the Missouri Bar Association given in 1947, Dr. R. Emmet Kane remarked: “It is difficult to be kind or even charitable in judging law and lawyers since they are the authors of all the troubles that plague the human race, and have been since time began.” He ended his address with the following doggerel, entitled The Bench and the Bar:’

      If you’ve got a son or daughter
      Who ain’t livin’ like they orter,
      If they’d suck an egg and peddle you the shell;
      If the neighbors and the preacher,
      The policeman and the teacher,
      Are convinced that they are headed straight for hell;
      If their instincts are possessive
      And their ego is excessive,
      If they’re short on brains but very long on jaw,
      Don’t sit up nights and worry,
      Make your mind up in a hurry,
      Chuck ‘em off to school and make ‘em study law…

      I omit the rest but will add it if anyone is interested. You cannot find it on the internet, but you can buy a book that included it:

      The Judicial Humorist: A Collection of Judicial Opinions and Other Frivolities

      • Magnificent Mopery.

        “A lawyer has a superior opportunity to be a good man.” — Abraham Lincoln

        • garthpool

          Don’t we all?

          • Magnificent Mopery.

            The gender crack is stupid when applied to a remark from the 1850s. Also too I didn’t say there were no bad lawyers and no bad law; Lincoln himself inveighed against his era’s version of ambulance chasers. I’m not surprised that his point blew right past you, but I would be happy to explain it to you. And I challenge you to assert that you would opt to defend yourself in court against criminal charges.

  • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

    Good News outta Michigan. The petition drive to get the GOP-led state legislature out of the voter suppression business by gerrymandering the shit out of my state WORKED BY MORE THAN 100,000 SIGNATURES. We want it on the November ballot.

    It would no longer allow the state reps in power to draw district lines. Instead, a non-partisan committee of 12 would draw district lines based on the most recent census data. There’s a lot of support among voters, including me.

    https://www.freep.com/story/news/politics/2017/12/18/gerrymander-redistricting-michigan-petition-constitutional-amendment/962509001/

  • King Beauregard

    “Andy Harris”

    I want everyone here to remember who Andy Harris is. He rode into office in the Teabagger wave of 2010, largely because of opposition to Obamacare and how it’s a government takeover of etc etc etc. Well, during freshman Congressman orientation, he complained that the 28-day activation period for his insurance would mean he’d be without coverage for a while, and was there some government-run program he could sign up for in the interim.

    That’s right, this Teabagger dumbfuck got elected opposing Obamacare, and yet even before he was sworn in, he was complaining that there wasn’t a public option he could use.

    https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/11/16/andy-harris-government-health-care_n_784010.html

    • HooverVilles

      Talk about being clueless!

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