Trump is WINNING, y’all. He is winning so much even he is tired of winning. No matter how his approval rating is lower than that of flaming butt cheese (not popular with Kids These Days) and the tax atrocity he is about to sign is literally the first major thing Trump has “gotten done” in his presidency, and by “gotten done,” we mean he tweeted a lot during his morning poops while Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan barely managed to whip the vote within their own party.
But Trump is WINNING YOOGE BIGLY TREMENDOUS! That is what Axios (Slogan: “You don’t wanna read detailed reporting and analysis, which is cool because we’re not good at that anyway!”) wants us to know as Trump celebrates the end of his first year as an insanely unpopular president who’s been under criminal investigation since day one. Yep, that’s the thesis we’re working with here.
We must start out being fair to Axios, because when its piece initially went up, it included this paragraph:
And Twitter exploded in gleeful ejaculations of “That doesn’t even make sense” and “LOL!” and “Fucking Axios.” But listen, editing stuff is hard, because of the part where you have to “read words” and “know English.” But it was just an oopsie, and Axios fixed it. Now it says “majority of the Republican party” instead of “majority of the majority.” And to be clear, Axios is correct. A majority of Republicans do like fucking the poor and middle class and immigrants and women and LGBT folk and minorities in the ass.
Of course, only 33% of Americans support the tax bill (basically, the Trump base that’s left), while 55% fucking hate it. But we guess 33% is “a majority of Republicans,” so #winning! (Fun fact: a new NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll says only 18% of Americans would definitely vote for Trump in 2020, while another 18% say yeah, maybe, they guess, whatever, if they don’t fall down the stairs while trying to put on pants that day. That is just really impressive.)
Let’s look at the rest of Axios’s cheat sheet on Donald Trump’s year of success:
- He failed to repeal all of Obama’s health-care law.
Wait the second BOLD PRINT declaration of Trump’s success is actually one of his failures? We surely have defined “success” down, especially for an article that begins with this graphic:
But Axios’s point is that even while swimming in the dark seas of his own failure Trump has used every administrative tool at his disposal to destroy Obamacare and hurt Americans and make them die of treatable illnesses, and now Congress is really doing it by repealing the individual mandate, so that’s super, we guess. Have fun in the 2018 midterms, Trump and the GOP!
Axios notes that Trump has also really fucked the judicial system to the right, which is true, and that he got the world’s dumbest Supreme Court justice installed, which is actually Mitch McConnell’s accomplishment. Also, he has done a bunch of executive orders just to stick it to Obama, though Trump likely has no idea what those EOs even mean.
Then Axios falls off the rails again. TELL US THAT GOOD TRUMP ACCOMPLISHMENT, AXIOS:
- No matter that much of it is not of his doing, the economy has grown consistently under his watch.
Cool, Axios, let’s let Trump continue to cheat off the continuing success of the last president’s economy — you know, the black guy. Sounds great. Anything else?
- ISIS is in retreat. The N.Y. Times’ Ross Douthat calls it “A War Trump Won.”
We don’t give a tinker’s damn what Ross Douthat’s neckbeard calls it, because BARACK OBAMA DID THAT TOO. Indeed, as former deputy CIA director Michael Morell says:
“There is no doubt that the Trump administration followed the basic strategy set in place by the Obama administration. … There is no doubt that Obama would have gotten where Trump is at this moment as well.”
Hit that link for a full analysis of how Trump’s ISIS “success” has been achieved largely by successfully hitting the ball Obama teed up for him. We guess Trump deserves credit, though, for not fucking up THAT ONE THING, the way he’s fucked up ALL THE OTHER THINGS.
Oh, Axios, you are just too good at journalisming. Only way you could get better is if you stole Jonathan Allen from Politico, so he could turn every news story into a plug for his rush-job crap-ass book about the Hillary Clinton campaign, and maybe if you could woo Chris Cillizza away from CNN to do … whatever that thing he does is called.
Oh well, maybe next year!
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