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YOU forgot to do your Christmas shopping yet, and WE forgot to make a whole bunch of new designs that would have put (judging by last year’s merch sales compared to this year’s) an extra $12,000 or so in our booze and barbecue fund! Well have no fear, because everything you buy from Wonkette this week will be sent USPS Priority (arrives in two to three days) ON US!

Order these things in bulk!

Click through for shoppin’!

That is just a very good hat.

This is just a very good hat too.

Or this hat, like Jesus wears!

Or you could buy two or whatever, or ALL THREE!

Here are some “collectors items” (sadface emoji) Hillary shirts to curl up and cry in.

This is what a Hillary Clinton T-shirt looks like in the wild. Buy yours now!

But you probably just want to tell your longsuffering husband and or woman-husband to buy you a Kitten With a Whip shirt, for representin’. (Men’s here; ladies here!)

wonkettebazaar.com

And babies? What of the babies??? They are here.

NOTICE IT!
Babby not included.

Games? YES! WE MADE THEM!

Best Game Ever!
Best Game Ever!

Cups and notebooks and throw pillows and tote bags and everything you could slap your mama on? With lots of different designs we’re not showing here? Yes. Those are all here. (These are NOT covered by my previous promise to send everything this week Priority, because these are fulfilled by Redbubble, and we just get a cut.)

Everybody all set? Good, and git shoppin’!

$
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  • Nounverb911
  • Michael R

    President Donald Trump believes that special counsel Robert Mueller
    will soon send him a letter that completely exonerates him of any wrongdoing

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4901901e1456054813788f5e5f269d6c0491a5c413415d04bf99dabe8fde19e2.gif

  • Oblios_Cap

    Isn’t that picture at the top the one that got one of our transient shit-fer-brains all worked up?

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    OT: Federal appeals sexual harrasser judge resigns.

    (I no had cofffee amount what makes my brain work right – no wurding gud)

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    OT: Looking for a job again!

    • Oblios_Cap

      Thanks, Trump!

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Crap. What happened?

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Basically we worked too hard and there is no more work. They might want to hire us again in 2018 but I told them to put that option in the place where the sun doesn’t shine.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          “put that option in the place where the sun doesn’t shine.”

          The north of scotland?

    • Somewhat Damaged Ron

      I thought things were going really well?

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Yup, So well that us temps finished all open dossiers and there was no more work.

        • Eileen Besse

          Silver lining NOT. Sorry.

        • Somewhat Damaged Ron

          Damn. Well, at least it’s good that you’re out of work because the work is finished and not for some bullshit ‘you’re fired’ reason. And it sounds like you’ll be getting a good recommendation from them.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            I am a fighter through and through. I don’t give up. I have a strong heart and I will push until there is nothing left in me.

          • Somewhat Damaged Ron

            That’s what we like to hear!

  • Nasty Woman Persisted

    I am a failure. A foster failure. We have decided to keep the runt of the parvo pups. This is the picture of my failure. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f04f4abf132d2b5dd865fd381ef7bd18195a999f61f07ba30137dcd9b93b466a.jpg

    • Oblios_Cap

      Runts are cool.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      you must be oh so crushed.

      ; p

    • shivaskeeper

      Hopefully the pup will grow into that food bowl at some point.

      it does seem to be a crushing failure. I’m sure you will be able to live with this particular one though.

    • NastyBossetti

      Sometimes, failure is adorable.

    • Hiss

      Aww. He got over parvo, then? Good little guy!

    • FlemmishSpy

      Who could resist?

    • Somewhat Damaged Ron

      Sometimes failing upwards is a GOOD thing.

    • Michael R
    • President in Exile Firefly

      Who’s a good failure? Who’s a good failure? You are! Yes, you are!

  • Upright Ape

    So “Track” Palin, eldest of the Palin spawn, is currently sittin’ in the slammer in Shithole Alaska for burglary and assault. Always knew that boy would make somethin’ of hisself. My question is how long before Jesus washes away his sins and he wins a Senate seat?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Since his shortcomings are all Obama’s fault, any year now.

    • exinkwretch

      He’s a rugged individualist, and will fight for the precious freedoms of all Alaskans. Even with the police and when in the hoosegow!

      • redblack

        5 quatloos says he’s dabbling with meth or heroin.

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          “or”? “And”!

        • Somewhat Damaged Ron

          Ten on oxycontin.

          • redblack

            hmm. i guess it depends on what was burgled. he might have been burgling prescription drugs, or stealing shit to pay for crank or smack.

    • ArgieBargie

      Just like Todd, he’s a sovereign citizen of Alaska. Tyrannical government laws do not apply to him.

      • shivaskeeper

        Have they gone that route yet?

        • ArgieBargie

          Not sure if it gets that specific, but Todd was a member of the Alaska Independence Party.

    • shivaskeeper

      Blame service connected PTSD in 3… 2… 1…. Conveniently smear all other vets with PTSD at the same time to excuse your own piss poor parenting and the example you set.

      Pro-tip: PTSD does not make you break into people’s houses and commit burglary while you are there. Fuckstick.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        and as Oblios mentions below, and i had forgotten, he only got PTSD cause Obama started a war with Iraq.

        • shivaskeeper

          It still does not cause you to burglarize a home. It does make an awesome excuse for shitty behavior in a bid to not actually have to take responsibility for what you do.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            no disagreement sarge – just mocking Sister Sarah and her sly but slanderous statements.

          • shivaskeeper

            I know. It’s one of my hobby horses. PTSD is not exclusive to the military and combat service although fucks like sister Sarah would try to get you to believe that. She’s not being sly at all, She is trying to excuse her spawn’s felonies by smearing everyone with PTSD as criminals in waiting just like her son.

            it also does not excuse your bad fucking behavior. In some limited cases PTSD can be a mitigating circumstances, but it is not connected to shit like this. Fuck her and her bullshit.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            indeed.

            As for hobbyhorses (or more accurately pet fucking peeves) It is one of those issues I have when people talk about someone has “mental health issues.”

            There’s a variety and severity to those and sufferers are consistently more vulnerable to being a victim than victimizing others, but it’s a concern that can sometimes prevent people from seeking help…all this noise about mass shooters who had “a mental health problem” makes it worse, imho.

          • shivaskeeper

            If there is PTSD involved for him, I can actually see the last incident, the one where he got drunk, beat on the girlfriend, and threatened to kill himself as being connected. That kind of shit does happen.

            But that is a big if on him having PTSD and not just being an asshole Palin like the rest of them.

            And you are absolutely right about “mental health issues”. It’s used as an excuse and becomes a smear in the process.

      • President in Exile Firefly

        Don’t forget to blame Obama’s VA.

        • shivaskeeper

          That goes without saying. Of course a few months ago Trump claimed he fixed the VA so that excuse should not hold water anymore.

      • Teto85

        Didn’t he do this sort of stuff before he went into the Army? And isn’t this the same criminality that got him into the Army in the first place? IIRC, Mommy-Governor let him get out of jail if he did a hitch in the Army. And he was so bad that the Army kicked him out after 1 year. So he has that whole “Less than Honorable” discharge going for him as well.

        • shivaskeeper

          Of course it is. But it’s all the fault of Obama and the PTSD. This is not a hard concept. If you are a veteran and a piece of shit, PTSD is you’re get out of jail free card. Beat up spouse? PTSD. Rob a bank? PTSD. Kill four people drunk driving? PTSD.

          Why do you hate veterans?

          • Teto85

            I served in the 115th Army CSH (MASH replacement) in Desert Storm. Now in Army Reserve/National Guard as an instructor specializing in combat medicine (training medics) when I am not in my civilian practice as a pediatric oncologist. I’d rather help little ones make it in the world than help their older brothers out. I don’t hate vets, you doofus. I am one.

          • shivaskeeper

            I was channelling a RWNJ. Should have snark tagged it.

    • Crystalclear12

      Has he preformed the ceremonial beating of journalist while chanting the sacred words “fake news”?

    • sitting in the slammer in Shithole, Alaska
      I’ve got 7 Palins on my mind

  • Bananas Foster

    Notebooks!?

    Oh, done. I need a Wonkette journal now.

  • Kids would tease me that we had 8 whole days of Hanukkah.

    My mum told me to remind them that Christmas apparently runs from middle of October until January for their one single day.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Remember, Republicans are 5-0 in Congressional Races this year. The media refuses to mention this. I said Gillespie and Moore would lose (for very different reasons), and they did. I also predicted “I” would win. Republicans will do well in 2018, very well! @foxandfriends— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 18, 2017

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      ???

      What a moron.

    • shivaskeeper

      “I” am very “confused” by this “Tweet”. Can someone “explaine” it to me? “Parse” out “idiot” to “human” if you would be “so” “kind”.

    • exinkwretch

      Since Der Trumpenfuhrer is supposedly a teetotaler, the best explanation is that he is huffing glue this morning.

    • arglebargle

      He did get the line “The media refuses to mention this.” correct.

    • Painter of Goats

      If “I” = “Moron” and 5 = huh?, how many Trumps will face indictment?

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        purple.

        • Painter of Goats

          Show off.

      • FlownΩver

        AOT,K

    • La forza del resistino

      It’s only a matter of time before the crew starts fucking with his strawberries.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸
    • shivaskeeper

      That cat will have it’s vengeance. Make no mistake about that.

    • theblackdog

      Wow, I know this is mean but I kinda want to put this hat on my cat and film the results.

      • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

        I know, I need the ordering link for that stat! (disclaimer the cats are not mine but my kidlet’s..)

      • Querolous

        The symptom for a Bartonella henselae infection is an insane urge to listen to Ted Nugent albums.

    • wavicles

      That’s me during a Friday news dump.

    • Teto85

      LOFL. A zillion up votes!

  • Somewhat Damaged Ron

    No pressies at our house this year. Between rising gas prices, knee repair, tractor service and having to put a new roof on the rental house we’re just giving each other a REALLY special Christmas dinner like we did last year, and that’s it.
    Such is life.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      That’s the best blessing, spending enjoyable times in the company of loved ones.

      • Somewhat Damaged Ron

        So true. As one gets older it becomes the most precious gift of all.

    • Eileen Besse

      Hey, our present to each other is live Legal Seafood lobstah and steamahs shipped down heah to Floriduh, with spicy sausage and corn in the boil. Also, too–chowdah. Best present EVAH!

    • Zyxomma

      I have well-chosen books to give to a couple of my closest friends. Elder Sister bought herself, me, and Younger Sister tickets for a preview performance of Carousel on Broadway. Our cousin will be dancing. Christmas is not my holiday, and I have no money even if it was.

  • arglebargle

    What? No War on Christmas swag? I haz a disappoint.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    Put on your mittens, you don’t wanna hurt yourself when you face palm:

    White House adviser Ivanka Trump asserted on Monday that her father President Donald Trump had hit “another amazing milestone” by being the first president to openly discuss national security policy with the American people.


    “So, this is yet another amazing milestone for this presidency,” she smiled. “It’s been an unbelievable and really robust strategy and it’s going to be articulated by the president, which is also unusual.”

    https://www.rawstory.com/2017/12/another-amazing-milestone-ivanka-claims-no-president-gave-national-security-speech-before-trump/

    • Michael Smith

      That’s like when I hit another amazing milestone the other day by getting drunk and calling off work again.

    • Kiri the Unicorn
      • Teto85

        Rainbow Dash is best pony.

    • shivaskeeper

      Trump and articulated in the same sentence? Those words, they do not belong together.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        right? that caught my eye too…more like going to be spewed, burped up, mangled, etc

        • shivaskeeper

          The Department of Redundancy Department and Department of Repeated Filler Words will be well represented though.

          • Roadstergal

            Bigly.

      • Opalescent Riddles

        Well, his joints do bend.

        • shivaskeeper

          Autocorrect fail.

    • cmd resistor

      What drugs did they put in her coffee today?

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        Trumpinol? Suckupquol? Grifterin?

        • Martini Ambassador 🍸

          She pretends to be smarter than a Stepford clone, but I’m not impressed.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            it’s a stupid game to play anymore – but imagine if HRC had won and had hired Chelsea and had her going around pimping the president (i was going to say president’s agenda, but let us be real)

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      So, everybody else in the past was keeping it a secret? Ok then. 👌

    • Somewhat Damaged Ron

      It would definitely be unpresidented. Previous presidents have felt that telling the bad guys what your national security policy and strategy are going to be is a BAD idea.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        speaking of which – wasn’t that one of his big things – Obama’s telling ISIS how we’re going to beat them! Arglebargle!!

        Sigh.

        • Somewhat Damaged Ron

          In Donnie’s favour, HE didn’t tell ISIS how he was going to beat them. In fact, they STILL don’t know!

          • Ghenghis McCann

            Nobody knows, this includes Donnie.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      SHUT THE FUCK UP, KREMLIN BARBIE !!!

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Hey, Ivanka! How’s your prison fashion line coming along?

    • efoveks

      Fucking gossips just can’t help but be gossips.

    • Opalescent Riddles

      “It’s been an unbelievable and really robust strategy and it’s going to be articulated by the president, which is also unusual.”

      I agree: it will be unbelievable, and the president is also unusual.

      • TakingAmes

        Particularly if he manages to articulate something. Without spitting out his top plate.

  • Gayer Than Thou
    • Nockular cavity

      NOW I’m in the Xmas spirit. Thank you, GTT!

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    Remember, if everyone buys enough stuff, Rebecca can afford to come to your town and buy you pizza and beer.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d5961715bce141162905c9e083d905b82f04ce8cb4142d6a62ab0a39a0e00f23.jpg

    • Somewhat Damaged Ron

      If she and the family come to my town, I will buy them pizza and beer.

      • James Baskin

        Here, here! My town too. Hope she likes country music though.

    • redblack

      whose urine sample is that?

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Mine. Want some? I have plenty.

        Actually, it’s a glass of hard cider, which is what I was drinking that day.
        I am not Todd Starnes.

        • redblack

          oh thank god. i thought wonkette was going to start random drug testing.

          • Pilotshark

            kwel,, i have a hard time passing a wiz quiz .

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            We are! We want to make sure that you’re doing enough drugs.

          • Roadstergal

            Since November 9, 2016, there are not enough drugs.

        • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

          What kind of cider? I think I’m turning into the cider equivalent of a beer snob.

          • Snork Maiden

            Depending on whether you like sweet or dry, Schilling make some interesting ciders. I would steer clear of Strongbow( english) as it is not really that good. It is sold here as an”import” so is assumed to be top notch.Also, depending on where you live there should hopefully be independent cider makers. A really good one in WA is Hootenany Hard Cider.

          • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

            I prefer dry, tho I do have a fondness for perry (pear cider). Strongbow beats crap like Angry Orchard or Original Sin, but it certainly isn’t my top choice. Not sure I’ve heard of Schilling? I’m in Ohio, tho, so on the other side of the great divide..

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            2 Towns Cider, from right here in Corvallis! I forget the exact variety the pizza place had on tap.

          • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

            Not familiar with that one either – research required!

  • James Baskin

    Coffee cups Rebecca, you need coffee (or tea) cups, beer mugs and pilsner glasses.

  • wait! what?

    I just do money tosses. But if there were a wallet that said “Bad Progressive Mother Fucker” with the Wonkette logo on it…

  • Axomamma

    I’m in, order submitted!

  • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

    Merry happy holidays to you guys, I just upped my monthly donation. Still paltry as such things go, but seeing how much time I spend here, y’all are worth it to me.

    • persistently_resistant_gayby

      WE ARE! WE LOVE ALL THE DICK JOKES!

  • TimResistit

    I remember as a kid playing with those little wooden people when I was a kid!

  • BMW

    I just want to know who the woman in the first photo is.

    • FauxAntocles

      Lucy Lawless

      • redblack

        is she wearing pants?

        asking for a friend.

      • svejk

        really for truly? every time i look at that pic i say, “i’m supposed to know who this is. but i can’t remember.”

    • John Thorstensen

      Whoever she is, she’s way out of the half-my-age-plus seven range for me.

    • TeenlLaQueefa

      I’m ashamed to admit that picture is the reason I clicked this link…

      (hangs head)

      • Gaz Netherlands

        She is the reason I visit Wonkette..

    • JCfromNC

      I’ve been admiring that photo in the sidebar since forever.

  • phoenix00

    > Babby not included.

    DEAL BROKEN NO SALE

  • GlazedHaim

    Dear Wonkette: I do not make very much money as I am a lawyer for poors and am also a poors as a consequence. BUT if I do somehow get a bonus this year (it’s immigration, so the bonus will likely be continued employment), I will give some to YOU. #Bless

  • BullDyke Odell

    if the pictures don’t prove it, the comments seal it, this blog should be shut down on taste and principle. that isn’t even mentioning the queer bashing stalking and harassment you engage in, just on your own merits you should cease to be.

  • EmmaChuur

    Hey sideways guy – must be chilly up there!

  • EmmaChuur

    Attn Wonkendise design team:
    The was a graphic on one of your Twitters back in maybe Summer – three lines of WORDz , red on white.
    Danged if I can remember apart from wishing it were on one of your shirts.
    My Good Friend on the Twitter , “eekahil” expressed the same wish on yr feed at the time.

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