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There are a lot of takes on this here internet. So many, in fact, that some get past hot entirely and become glorious conflagrations of sheer absurdity. It’s a lot of bad news and depressing things lately, and so for your reading enjoyment we bring you: the Internet’s worst take on Net Neutrality! Was it this?

 

No, it is from The Week.

Net neutrality is dead. This is a good thing.

This is an auspicious start for a wonderfully awful take! Contrarian, short, has all the hallmarks of a strong contender. Let’s see where it takes us!

Even if there were no other compelling arguments in favor of killing net neutrality (though there are), the end of net neutrality would be welcome because it will frustrate the hopes of the largest group temper tantrum thrown by non-toddlers in recent American history.

I had really started to like this trend of MAGAmericans owning the libs by destroying their own expensive consumer goods or dressing up in diapers in public, but I am worried that we have encouraged this a bit too much. They are already at “shut down the internet to own the libs” which was frankly a quicker escalation than we had expected!

Has this country ever seen a more simperingly childish mob than the one responsible for the outcry over this boring prudential question concerning the allocation of hertz?

Some people dress up like babies when other people tell them to play nice. Yes, we have seen more simperingly childish mobs than the people who wanted to keep net neutrality. Hell, there were the Great Pumpkin Riots of 2014, or sports fans generally.

But this is Wonkette and it’s a bit pot/kettle for us to complain about anyone’s can’t miss hyperbole, so let us consider the question of whether the allocation of hertz is in fact merely a boring prudential question!

Language is a funny thing, in that you can describe your oven catching fire when oil spills out of a pan in many ways. You could say HOLY FUCK THERE IS A FIRE! FIRE IN THE KITCHEN! Or you could say that due to the nature of liquid substances and the existence of gravity, a physical reaction has occurred near a heating element. Both would be, kind of, correct! But, insofar as you are interested in not having your house burn down, we think you can agree that yelling fire is a better way to properly describe the situation.

Whether or not banks should be required to keep enough cash on hand to stave off another financial apocalypse is a “boring prudential question.” Whether we keep the ACA is a “boring prudential question.” For someone who was just complaining about other people being juvenile, this guy sure doesn’t seem to understand that most very important policy questions are boring and prudential!

Has so much canned emotion ever been spilled over so bland and technocratic and uniquely prudential an issue? Having strong feelings about net neutrality — which essentially mandates that your internet service provider treats all internet traffic and data equally — is like getting upset over a public-access TV debate on the generic ballot or the proceedings of the House of Representatives Subcommittee on Fisheries, Wildlife, Oceans, and Insular Affairs.

We here at Wonkette would like to point out that the Fisheries subcommittee is also in charge of some pretty critical things! Like, you know, all the fresh water in the country, which we think you all can agree is kind of important. Oh, and all the forests. And the animals. And the public lands. And the ocean, which might not have any fish in it left soon. Of course we know this is all kinda, what’s the word, boring.

If nothing else, ludicrous statements like the one from the heads of the New York, Brooklyn, and Queens Public Library systems calling the proposed change “appalling” and the gravest threat to education this country faces do the helpful work of reminding us that, like public schools, libraries in this country are now little more than transmission centers for digital entertainment.

Okay but without the library where’d he get the thesaurus that he looked up “ludicrous” in because we tried to diagram this sentence’s irony and we got lost towards the end when the ludicrous thing about this paragraph is the assertion that libraries exist to provide digital entertainment. This guy should have asked one of his friends who’s written a book about their sales numbers at libraries.

Meanwhile, Ajit Pai, the chairman of the Federal Communications Commission, has received death threats against his children. A man in Syracuse is facing federal charges after leaving a voicemail at the office of Rep. John Katko (R-N.Y.). “Listen Mr. Katko, if you support net neutrality, I will support you. But if you don’t support net neutrality, I will find you and your family and I will kill you all. Do you understand? I will literally find all of you and your progeny and just wipe you from the face of the Earth.”

Okay, so I’m not saying death threats are ever ever ever ever a good thing in any context for a lot of reasons, but the fact remains that I get them for saying things like “it sucks to be poor” and just last week our very own Evan got them for calling the redneck lady that’s Trump’s mouthpiece a redneck, because he is a Coastal Libtard Cuck and whatnot from his place in Tennessee, and also they death-threated Evan’s dog. So it’s not like it’s out of the social norm these days to get death threats, especially when one is nearly singlehandedly forcing through policies the Internet hates. (You may have heard, but the FCC apparently has not heard, that there are people online that are not very nice sometimes!)

The FCC hearing itself had to be briefly evacuated Thursday after someone apparently called in a bomb threat. The only difference between the hordes of fideistic pro-net neutrality campaigners and the #GamerGate movement is that the former have been officially sanctioned by right-thinking liberals, who never miss an opportunity to shill on behalf of capital.

Is this opposite day? I have just this morning finished explaining to the New York Times that actually, they were advocating for the overthrow of capitalism, and now it is the libtards who love capital? Listen, I am as pissed about elitism as the next girl and probably more by a factor of about 50 but we are not going to run around saying that the GOP is the choice for economic populists.

On the other hand, it’s possible that there never was a thesaurus involved here, because I am suddenly having flashbacks to the three first dates I have been on with men who spoke at length about either Hemingway or Bukowski and also shared a strange affinity for explaining all the different kinds of libertarianism.

Indeed, from Teen Vogue to The Washington Post to GameInformer.com, liberal opinion is united in its support of net neutrality.

This is what we call disingenuous. (I have a thesaurus that I got from the library!) More than one Republican has come out against this, as well as a whole bunch of libertarians and techbros. In fact, the only people who like it are folk who are pretty bought into this whole kleptocracy already!*

*That last line was pure spurious hyperbole. But this is fucking Wonkette and we will not lose a spurious hyperbole battle on a matter of policy to a dude who can’t even simile!

But on its face, net neutrality is absurd. The idea that internet service providers should be forced to provide unlimited access to content transmitted indiscriminately whether it is old episodes of Sesame Street, pornographic videos of simulated rape, or a column at The Week, makes as much sense as saying that a brewing company should be able to suck up all the water in a river so long as people like drinking it. We do not force bookstores to stock certain volumes or restaurants to prepare every conceivable dish.

See, now he’s not even bothering with similes, he’s just implying them. Wonkette is a content provider. The people you pay for your Internet access are your service provider. Those are different things that are not comparable. It’s not like a fucking bookstore, because an ISP is the owner of the strip mall the bookstore’s in.

We are not sure what’s happening with the brewery thing unless, and we are not throwing stones here, this piece was written at the end of the brewery tour, on an ipad, overlooking the river and drinking a bourbon flight. Because it’s nothing like that. It’s more like saying that a municipal water system isn’t a brewery, and that’s as un-tortured as that metaphor gets.

The prospect of a segregated internet in which much of the crap now gumming up the works remains legal but available only to those willing to pay a premium to access it is a welcome one.

One imagines this paragraph being written in a swelling crescendo of self-satisfaction, having come finally to the main point with such fervor and gusto. One also imagines that the person who could write this sentence thinks that Starbucks is honestly top-range coffee and that Olive Garden is the best Italian food out there, because “I would very much like for one of a few media companies to decide what I should be able to see and how much I should pay as compared to now, when breweries are not municipal water systems” … sorry, I keep trying to think how that metaphor was supposed to work, and I am just not getting it.

But there is another aspect of this debate that is rarely mentioned, one that deserves a certain amount of consideration. In the last decade the internet has changed every aspect of our lives in ways that we have largely accepted without a moment’s hesitation.

*puts chin on hands, blinks*

As but one example: Was it a good thing — for people, commerce, or art — that Netflix destroyed the video store industry? As Matt Novak observedrecently, the replacement of Blockbuster by online streaming has not meant that we are all allowed to watch whatever movies we like all the time. Say what you want about the musty old Family Video where the only thing more remarkable than the number of cigarettes the middle-aged woman behind the counter smoked was her apparently endless ability to enjoy Ben-Hur on VHS; at least it had Citizen Kane and Seven Samurai on the shelves in addition to the latest Hollywood garbage. Meanwhile, what about all the people who used to make $35,000 a year managing their local corporate video franchise, to say nothing of all the teenagers and 20-somethings who used to stand behind the counter? Was it worth it so that a much smaller number of programmers and executives could make a good deal more money and you can enjoy Wolfcop without putting on clothes? What was wrong with going to the store and picking out a CD (and songwriters making money from the sale) instead of letting a YouTube algorithm decide what song you stream next?

Also, what is WITH those weaving machines, we ask you? It’s like nobody appreciates a fine Yorkshire homespun anymore. We’re not sure whether we’re meant to blame millennials for killing the weaving industry or whether we’re supposed to explain that actually, it’s kind of way better for the environment to download a song than it is to drive to the store and get a CD, and the fact that music companies are ripping off songwriters is the moral problem of the music industry, not the guy who knows what netflix and chill means. (Who has to ask what the benefit of watching a movie without pants on is, seriously?)

I rather like that “throttle,” a good old-fashioned strong verb that meant “strangle or kill” before it was an engineering term, has become the word we use to refer to the practice of internet service providers hindering the transmission of pornographic videos, online shoot-em-up games, and HBO reruns. These are all things that deserve to be throttled. Throttle away.

OK we think maybe thesaurus after all because he’s pondering the meaning of words like he’s Barthes.

Also stay the fuck away from the porn, man, plus the HBO reruns because they’re basically porn, and oh by the way, the reason we are all freaking out about net neutrality is that we have enshrined in our Constitution the basic principle that the ruling class — whether government or giant corporations — has no right to tell you what you can and can’t believe or enjoy as long as you break no laws. We, the mewling children who think things like interior policy are perhaps mundane but nonetheless important, don’t want a handful of private interests given the power that we have never entrusted our government with. The Internet is not any more perfect than the society that communicates on it and while we’ve got serious work to do in the way we self-govern online, the answer is not Newscorp.

[The Week]

Please pay our cable bill, it’s apparently about to go up.

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  • ManchuCandidate

    Ajit killed the YouTube Star.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Don’t say things that would make me respect him.

    • schmannity

      LEAVE YOUTUBE STAR ALOOOOONE!

  • ManchuCandidate

    Fuck Blockbuster and their “family” friendly edits of movies.

  • BadKitty904

    Fuck Idjit Guy. That is all.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    I haven’t been on a first date in 100 years. It must be because I don’t know all the kinds of libertarianism.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      You don’t know all the kinds of Libertarianism? Well, perhaps I can help you with a song…

      *piano appears out of nowhere*

      Give me a C, a bouncy C!

      Oh, Anarcho-Syndicalism is a kind of Libertarianism
      Where workers supersede the State
      But a Libertarian will say that it’s not Libertarianism
      While you’re on a date!

      And Anarcho-Capitalism is the kind of Libertarianism
      Where you say “Fuck you, I got mine.”
      While ignoring the role of property rules
      That require the State to enshrine

      Neo-Classical Liberalism is a kind of Libertarianism
      That privileges the ownership class
      But to claim that markets are equal and fair
      Is talking out of your ass…

      • Beanz&Berryz

        I gonna teach that to my grand kids, if I ever have some.

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    The only consolation here, is that from what I know about telecoms they’re in no position to actually (ab)use this until the court cases are decided.

    • Frenchie Renard

      THIS. It’s more than small comfort — these jerks are going to be sued to the moon and back. Nerds will win this one, capitalist assholes.

  • Trump’s Potemkin Village

    Lots of apologists out there on spin/damage control – trying to tell us how “great” this ruling is.

    • Not Gonna Be Quiet Linda

      I personally will never feel great about the word “great” again.

      • Trump’s Potemkin Village

        Yeah, the authoritarians have ruined “great,” along with “liberty, patriot, freedom, prosperity.”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      They are warming up for the Great Tax Cut Road Show of 2018.

      • Trump’s Potemkin Village

        I’ve got my rotten vegetables ready for the road show! Perhaps I should bring some shoes to throw too.

        • capnkrunch

          I highly doubt that Trump or McConnell have W’s reflexes.

          • Non-Threatening Ron

            Good.

          • Trump’s Potemkin Village

            Good ; )

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “I hate these newfangled giant businesses driving out all competition, like Netflix and Amazon. Where are the old-fangled giant businesses driving our all competition of yore, like Blockbuster, Barnes&Noble, and Walmart?”

    • willi0000000

      quiet! . . . or you’ll find out what happened to Roebuck.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Was it a good thing that petroleum destroyed the whaling industry?

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Don’t ask the whales. They had no idea what the REAL issues were.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Ah yes, Blockbuster, where you could search out whatever copy of Hit Movie#3 you wanted, and not just the first one on the shelf.”

    • Not Gonna Be Quiet Linda

      In VHS format.

      • jodyleek

        Beta Max or nothin’!

    • puredog

      I learned manners from Blockbuster and, to this day, I never take back a rented DVD without rewinding it.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    My sympathies of Agit Pai are very limited, despite the death threats. Because he is a parasite’s parasite.

    • Not Gonna Be Quiet Linda

      He is a flea on a tick’s ass.

  • Bobathonic

    Nice of him to decide for us all what we deserve access to.

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      Authoritarians know best, dear.

      • Bobathonic

        Just ask them!

    • FlownΩver

      See, that’s a total misunderstanding. It’s actually nice of him to decide which gargantuan monopolies get to make that decision for us. Be fair.

  • jodyleek

    Onion Belts will be all the rage this coming year.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Trump will bring back bumblebee nickels, #MAGA.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    I would pay good money to see all those people complaining about Obama’s FCC chairman voting to repeal #Net Neutrality actually explain it in detail

    Get the money up-front, techies!

  • Michael Smith

    Is this guy fucking kidding me?

    You know what his “argument” is? Its Alec Baldwin’s speech from Glengarry Glen Ross. Its a string of words and sentences tangentially related to the subject matter, delivered with the kind of authoritative emphasis that makes weak-minded bros lose their individuality and join the mob.

    Always be closing, Republicans, always be closing.

  • Jenny

    Why are you people so mad about being ripped off?!?!? We haven’t even done it yet! – Idiot Pie and his supporters

    • FlownΩver

      To quote Master Yoda, “You will!”

  • Timothy Watson
    • schmannity

      Doc, it hertz when I do this.

      • AJ Milne

        ‘Every time?’
        ‘No…
        ‘… but with some frequency.’

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Oooh, love hertz!”

      Bandwidth is not actually measured in Hertz, genius.

    • Nockular cavity

      Hertz? Stop messing with my guitar EQ, jerk. And using words you don’t know the meaning of.

    • stopthemovie

      OJ’s favorite rental car.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    the largest group temper tantrum thrown by non-toddlers in recent American history

    Not sure how this issue directly relates to last year’s Trump voters, but OK…

  • Anne Of Green Bagels

    I wonder if this wannabe Luddite used the latest Apple devices to write and publish his little contrarian screed on the Internet.

    • h4rr4r

      If he did he would not be happy that they are all running BSD, free software!

      • Anne Of Green Bagels

        IKR? so much socialism.

    • GuidedAccordingly

      Probably a Remington portable.

      • Anne Of Green Bagels

        stone tablet and chisel.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      This is utterly OT in response to your comment, but I love your screenname.

      • Anne Of Green Bagels

        thanks. :)

  • TJ Barke

    is like getting upset over a public-access TV debate on the generic ballot or the proceedings of the House of Representatives Subcommittee on Fisheries, Wildlife, Oceans, and Insular Affairs.

    I fail to see why people shouldn’t be upset about that… Just cuz some complacent yuppie, capitalist, shit bag, that probably stands to profit from the destruction of open communication(or fisheries or whatever) doesn’t care, doesn’t mean it’s unimportant, or inoffensive.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Say, you know who else had a question concerning the allocation of hertz?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Mrs. Hertz?

      • jodyleek

        OJ Simpson?

    • kilgoretrout

      My mom when she was mad at me and my brother?

    • shastakoala

      Budget or Avis?

  • Thiazin Red

    I do miss video stores though. The selection on streaming services is pretty shit, and if the internet in my building is acting up then I’m out of luck anyway.

    • h4rr4r

      You either have some strong rose colored glasses or some shitty streaming services. Blockbuster never had the movie you wanted and it certainly never had a movie from 30 years ago you wanted.

      Pretty much all media of any interest is available online. The legal issues aside.

      • Thiazin Red

        Amazon and netflix streaming aren’t great, which is why I keep the dvd membership.

        • h4rr4r

          They are still better than blockbuster ever was. Ever try to find a movie more than 10 years old in a blockbuster?

    • puredog

      Depending on where you live, and your patience, libraries are a good source of video.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    YEAH! BRING BACK THOSE BUNNY EARS THAT I HAD TO WRENCH INTO SUBMISSION AS A KID IN ORDER TO WATCH THE GODDAMN SIMPSONS!

  • Scooby

    I’m waiting to hear what the founding fathers take on this is.

  • DerrickWildcat

    I still have 38 free hours on AOL.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      The fact that you never cashed those in is why AOL could afford to buy Time/Warner, I guess?

    • Thiazin Red

      I knew so many people who used those disks as coasters.

      New idea for business! Get a bunch of them and sell them to hipsters on Etsy who are too young to have seen them the first time around.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        If you put an AOL CD in your blu-ray player your TV starts making modem handshake noises.

        • Bitter Scribe

          What is the sound of one handshaking modem?

          • OneYieldRegular

            “Number nine…number nine…number nine…”

          • data_ninja

            Ack
            Timeout
            (Repeat)

          • Sylvia

            Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
            On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It Sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !gq378d:
            ➽➽
            ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleCoolFinanceReportsOnline/online/easytasks ★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫:::::!gq378lhhh

      • Teecha

        I used them to decorate the arch between living and dining rooms. Took the fucking plaster off when I redecorated.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Fuck that little salesman, Aijit Pai. And fuck whoever commissioned and whoever wrote that tripe for The Week. it’s as bad as trump’s judicial choices….

  • Michael R

    Marine One returns Pres Trump to WH from Quantico,
    due to “bad weather call” on flight to Camp David.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b78f2c2be1685a0bde3553d018606e024782387c315e3f1a9de54fb57a01a0ac.gif

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “It got really windy in the cabin, if you know what I mean. What does that guy eat?”

  • mardam422

    All this sturm and drang from these young snowflakes worried about their intertubes. I mean, how bad can it be if we make it so I can watch my betamax again, right?

    • Timothy Watson

      Are so many hipsters actually Republicans or something?

      Maybe that’s the reason I instinctively hate them!

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    For the Younglings:

    Blockbuster was the place you used to go when you wanted to watch a movie at home — not a particular movie, mind you, they don’t that one. So, instead of being more or less instantly entertained, you drove clear the fuck across town (because all the nearby video stores sucked) and wandered around among the shelves of VHS sleeves for 45 minutes before saying “Fuck it” and grabbing whatever flick happened to be closest, then some dipshit high school kid named Corey or Brad judged you based on the movie you selected.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Troma libelz!

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        OOPS! A Little NSFW

      • I loved Troma. The finest cheese in video!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I do kinda miss wandering around the store with friends, debating what movie(s) to get, though. Trying to do that from a Netflix menu just isn’t the same.

      Probably one of those things where the memory is more fun than how it actually felt at the time, though.

      • OneYieldRegular

        Certainly one of those things where the memory is more fun. Ugh, ugh, ugh, i will never get back the days I probably spent standing around in video stores waiting for stoned friends to choose for the umpteenth time between something like Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Tarkovsky’s Stalker.

    • Michael R
    • therblig

      we had RKO video here in JC. i had to scold ms. blig once because we ran into our next door neighbor there and she asked what he was renting. she didn’t see the problem until i asked what if he was renting ‘Anal Intruders 4’?

      • Little Lulu Ω

        Vulcan Video in Austin had a tip jar on the counter at payout. Sorry, but why should I fucking tip you for doing your job? The ONE time I tipped – a dollar – the employee at checkout just looked at me, unsmiling. No “Aw, thanks!”, no nothin’. So, fuck you, Vulcan Video.

        • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

          But Vulcans don’t display emotion.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    will frustrate the hopes of the largest group temper tantrum thrown by non-toddlers in recent American history.

    Why is he picking on MRAs?

  • mrFawkes

    As the toll booths appear on the information superhighway, millions will be stranded at rest areas and truck stops watching anime with animus.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    What I would like to see is big banks charging higher-and-higher access fees to people based on how much money they deposit or invest, so that if you deposit $1000 you pay a tiny fee to access your funds, and if you deposit $10,000 you pay a larger access fee, and if you deposit $1 million, you pay a really BIG access fee, and if you deposit $10 million you pay like half of it in access fees. Then tell Republicans “This is like doing away with net neutrality.” Got it now? How do you like that idea? … [sound of filthy rich people having hysterics] … I thought so.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      It’s actually the opposite: the more money you have, the LOWER your fees. This is why rich people like an unregulated internet anything.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Yes, it is the opposite. One of our locally-owned banks was absorbed into a national bank a few years ago, and immediately they added a rule that if you kept less than $2000 in a checking account at all times, you had to pay a monthly fee. Next they started charging a monthly fee for paper statements that people had been getting free for 80 years. I immediately moved to a different bank. Did they care? Not a bit…they don’t want small depositors or average, working people in their bank.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          I had a similar situation where my little friendly neighborhood bank got swallowed up twice by bigger banks. The first gulp didn’t change too much; the second promptly drove me away, for reasons like yours. WTF is wrong with big banks, who KNOW there’s plenty of competition out there, especially in a college town? You can’t have rules that force college kids to keep $2000 in an account; I see kids all the time in the checkout lines at my grocery who swipe debit cards for under five bucks and still don’t have enough to cover. The problem with the “we only want to deal with the 1%” approach is that the 1% is, like, ya know, ONE PERCENT of people. The other 99 are gonna bank somewhere, and since they’re a lot more likely to overdraw their accounts and owe fees, it’s smart to lure them in, is it not?

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Everything I learned about banking in 8th grade civics class in 1969 has changed – and it started changing when Reagan was elected. The big banks don’t make enough from fees on small accounts, or interest on small mortgages. They make BIG fees by selling small mortgages to big investment companies, and by charging fees on big investment accounts. The big banks don’t need our business at all anymore.

            I got my first mortgage from a local Savings & Loan, then they were bought by Mercantile, and then Mercantile was bought by USBank. The first thing Mercantile did was sell my mortgage and raise fees on my bank accounts, so I switched banks. I told Mercantile why I was doing this, and they basically said “Who are you? We don’t know you.”

      • Bitter Scribe

        Yeah, I forgot to keep a $1,000 balance in my checking account and got dinged $12, which wiped out seven years’ worth of interest.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          Beer Spewed on the Keyboard Award

  • It’s such a darn shame that those liberals running Google, Amazon, Netflix, Microsoft, and Facebook are for net neutrality.

  • weejee

    I would pay good money to see all those people complaining about Obama’s FCC chairman voting to repeal #NetNeutality actually explain it in detail. Donnie Jr.

    So Adjit’s not the only idjit close to 45.

    • TJ Barke

      Pai’s not an idiot, just cartoonishly mendacious.

      • Beelzebubba

        He’s only on loan from AT&T.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Might one suggest that his mendacity is cartoonish precisely because he’s not all that bright?

  • Nockular cavity

    His whole argument is basically disbelief that people are upset over policy. Therefore, they must hyooooge luuuuzers.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    The idea that internet service providers should be forced to provide unlimited access to content transmitted indiscriminately…pornographic videos of simulated rape

    But it’s the supporters of net neutrality who are OTT and emotional. OK then…

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I actually liked the tweets that implied that getting rid of Net Neutrality meant they couldn’t censor speech they didn’t like (1- whoever “they” are, and 2- because Twitter and FB, not to mention Netflix and gmail, are places that apparently censor speech). Like, everyone now has to be “neutral”.

    And not, like the exact opposite of that.

  • OrG

    It’s gonna fuck up YOUR internet too you ignorant motherfuckers.

    • TJ Barke

      This asshole can afford it, I’m sure.

      • OrG

        To me, this is about more than cost.

        • TJ Barke

          Same to us, but shitdicks like this guy can’t think of it in terms other than that.

  • To quote an old signature line from Slashdot back in the day: “Sure, there’s porn and piracy on the Internet. But there’s probably a down side too.”

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Fuck Blockbuster. They used to charge me late fees that my roommate racked up simply because we had the same phone number. Fuck you and your accounting system that can’t differentiate between to separate grown-ass adults.

    I ended up having to drive halfway across the fucking town to go to Hollywood video to avoid paying late fees for movies I never rented.

    • Well they went under so I guess you won.

  • spangled

    here’s my contrarian hot take – this dumbass article from The Week makes me kind of happy that the internet is dying.

  • Bitter Scribe

    I’m with this guy. I have a Blockbuster gift card that I never got around to using, and now it’s worthless. That’s an outrage for which everyone who uses the internet should be made to pay.

  • kilgoretrout

    simile though your heart is breaking

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      <golf clap>

    • Bitter Scribe

      Or what’s a meta for?

  • Zonath

    What was wrong with going to the store and picking out a CD (and songwriters making money from the sale) instead of letting a YouTube algorithm decide what song you stream next?

    Well, there was nothing wrong with it, per se, but it seems like the free market decided that the stand-alone record store was no longer a viable business model. Seems to me that the removal of net neutrality pretty profoundly goes against free market principles, given that it gives the keys to the kingdom to monopolies like Comcast and Time Warner. But I’m sure unaccountable monopolies all have our best interest in mind, right?

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      They stopped caring about the ‘free market’ the day the first corporate lobbyist paid off his first politician.

    • kilgoretrout

      Oligopolies are not free markets

    • Teecha

      It’s always worked out so well in the past.

    • Opalescent Riddles

      How about if to get to the CD store you had to pay a toll, and that toll was different than for the food store right next to the CD store despite it being the same damn road, and because of where you live, there’s only one road that goes to either the CD store or the food store?

  • TJ Barke

    This is essentially a furthering of Citizen’s United. More money means more speech. Now they’ll also control who’s speech we’re allowed to access. That’s not so bad if it’s nazis and rape apologists, but what happens when it’s people who criticize those with the money? The exploited and dispossessed, those with important critiques of our society’s iniquity? Their speech will be effectively silenced, as the majority of our communication shifts to the internet.

    • ltmcdies

      It’s like they are begging for a dusting off of the guillotines

      • therblig

        leave’em rusty and dull. hurts more.

  • h4rr4r

    This will just drive more users to VPNs and piracy. Is that really what you want megacorps?

    • Teecha

      I hope VPNs get better. I currently have 3 on the go coz Aunty Beeb keeps preventing me from watching QIXL.

  • Video stores? Video stores? VHS? By golly, Sir, you and your newfangled ways. Why what was wrong with the victrolas at the old arcade that cost a penny and would show you a cinema? A boy could spend a mighty time watching a man ride a horse and still have enough left over to buy a nickel hot dog and soda pop at the malt shop.

    The prospect of a segregated internet in which much of the crap now gumming up the works remains legal but available only to those willing to pay a premium to access it is a welcome one.

    I’m sure it does, Grandpa. But if it’s all the fucking same, I want to be the one who decides what content comes into my home, not a suit over at fucking Frontier or Comcast.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Or a suit in a basement office in Washington.

      • kareemachan

        *Especially* not them.

    • OutOfOrbit

      and look what the innertoobs did to the horse & buggy business!

    • Teecha

      One person’s crap is another’s diamonds.

      Personally, I cannot think of a more entertaining way to pass 20 mins than by watching YouTube goddess Jenna Marbles glue rhinestones to her face. I know some people wouldn’t understand the appeal, but some people don’t understand that kiddie-fiddling is wrong. Not everyone can be right.

      • I have no idea who that is, but exactly.

        Whatever gives us all a moment of happiness and distracts us from the impending unavoidable darkness that will take us all one day.

        • Teecha

          If you find yourself at a loose end, have a look at Jenna Marbles. She is fucking hilarious. Eg: gluing rhinestones to her face.

    • reynard61

      Video stores? Video stores? VHS? By golly, Sir, you and your newfangled ways. Why what was wrong with the victrolas at the old arcade that cost a penny and would show you a cinema? A boy could spend a mighty time watching a man ride a horse and still have enough left over to buy a nickel hot dog and soda pop at the malt shop.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ffd11f8e8339af17a3b57dcada7e98b9689d1e44b4f9696dfdc37c5a3bd0c8b9.jpg

  • goonemeritus

    Look the internet had a good run. Lets not dwell on its demise, let us rather sit back and be grateful that the Republican have taken almost 30 years to destroy it.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      You can still visit it on your next trip abroad.

      • goonemeritus

        That is strangely comforting.

      • JohnBull

        Not to mention the connections will be 100 times faster.

    • kilgoretrout

      It was all Al Gore’s doing anyway. Stupid libtard.

  • See, assholes like this “Week” guy love to talk about how extreme and hysterical we lefties get when they say something this wrong and evil.

    How evil? I think of the Nazi collaborator who eventually got to make a speech asking the members of the ghetto to give up 20000 of their children to save the rest.

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaim_Rumkowski

  • Ωbjectifier

    Automobiles should be banned cuz look what happened to the buggy whip industry.

    • mancityRed6

      the buggy whip industry just refocused on the bedroom.

      • kilgoretrout

        And reverse cowgirl was born

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          And now you know… the REST of the story.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    What does this guy have against porn anyway?

    • He’s running a Windows 3.11 on 4 MB of RAM, with a 14.4 modem, so he’s limited to low-res jpgs and gifs. He can’t get the good stuff, and since he can’t get it, no one else can.

    • Oblios_Cap

      And not wearing pants?

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        Damned elitists!

  • mancityRed6

    this idiot must live in a gated community and probably thinks that…well, hell, I don’t even want to know what he thinks all those “redbox” things are.

    the fact of the matter is that a lot of our lives are going online. I pay all my bills, buy footy pajamas from amazon, and get my evening entertainment piped into where ever I want because my google fiber wifi is awesome, and all of that is online. even now, Karl is…well, was watching a 7 hour video of birds on the youtube.

    even then, what about all the homework that gets sent out online? what about people who use it to go over their health insurance to find a provider? what about all the educational things that can be found? idjit tried to play it off as “you’ll still be able to twitter and take annoying pics of your food” but if anyone actually believes that’s all people do on the internets then they’re just as much a moron as the idiot who wrote that piece for the week.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      But that’s only what people do online, and people don’t matter any more.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    So, why freak about NN going away, because the internet will be fine and who needs it anyway? Am I close here?

    • therblig

      So, why freak about (insert constitutional right) going away, because the corporations will be fine and who needs it anyway?

      something like that.

  • aureolaborealis

    “Why, I remember back in my day, when the only porn we had was fucking our sister or the livestock. #MAGA!!!”

    • Anne Of Green Bagels

      although farm animals really appreciated the advent of internet porn.

      • aureolaborealis

        I dropped the ball on that one.

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        Especially the ones who got jobs performing for it.
        … so I am told.

    • JohnBull

      “Who was also our mom!”

  • mrFawkes

    Shorter version: it hertz don’t it libtards.

    • kilgoretrout

      Watt?

      • Anne Of Green Bagels

        ohm. my. god!

        • kilgoretrout

          We can always blame the joules

          • therblig

            not to mention the hot blacks and the white neutrals

          • Anne Of Green Bagels

            kick them in the volts.

      • mrFawkes

        I don’t have the capacitor for the resistor anymore.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Ohm gonna pretend I didn’t see that.

      • Teecha

        Too quick for me! You’re a live one!

      • OutOfOrbit

        you a resistor?

    • Teecha

      Ohm not sure I like this.

    • shastakoala

      How circuitous of you.

      • mrFawkes

        He erged me on.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Ohm, my god!

          • Skeptical_thinker

            I must admit my reluctance to participate,

          • Arolpin

            The quality of the puns is inversely related to the frequency.

  • Teecha

    I fucking love wonkette.

    KM- this is some gorgeous fucking prose today. Thank you.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    Can’t the drop in violent crime be correlated with the rise of on line stuff? Why does The Week want violent crime to increase?

    • JohnBull

      They can blame it on godless teachers like me. Because I teach my kids to randomly mug people. It’s the last five minutes of my lesson plan.

      • Teecha

        It’s always my ‘do now’ starter. I save instructions for smooth deals for the plenary.

  • boyblue122

    This is the “we’re bringing coal jobs back” but applied to the movie industry, isnt it

  • Thiazin Red

    I’m a little impressed by the truly awesome levels of disingenuousness though. Liberals who don’t want corporations dictating what we see are shilling for capitol and people who want to allow companies to charge more for the internet are for freedom.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      The authoritarians and capitalist apologists get better and better at Newspeak every day.

      • OrG

        Nah, they just think they’re getting better at it.

  • Blanche Beecham

    Will anyone save the cat videos? What am I supposed to do when I can’t access the Kitten Kuddle Room and see the foster kittens?

    Sure many people are more worried about porn, but what about the cat videos? It is what the internet was made for – cats!

  • aureolaborealis

    Don’t know what he’s talking about. We still have a Blockbuster, complete with high school flunkies and sad, peri-middle-aged manager. Haven’t set foot inside in something like 10 years.

  • arglebargle
    • P’jama Pahnts

      It’s like he’s Austin Powers after losing his mojo

  • jesterpunk

    So it makes liberals mad and it puts the buggy makers out of business so net neutrality is bad?

  • P’jama Pahnts

    This guy better hope the “week” pays up when the bent-nosed telecom thugs come by for their weekly visit.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Where was he when video killed the radio star?

    • kilgoretrout

      Turning Japanese

      • Cat Cafe

        Blinded by science

      • MynameisBlarney

        You really think so?

        • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

          No more words.

    • Dutchman

      I was watching it first run on this new fangled thing called MTV. That allegedly once played music videos.

      I told you all that I’m an oldzzz….

      • Oblios_Cap

        I can’t believe that both MTV and VH-1 are still on the air.

        • Dutchman

          IK,R?

  • Victoria Ricola

    LOL Don Jr. I love when dumbfucks find out about a thing that others have known about for years and try to act smug smart.

    And obligatory lock him up.

  • weighmaster

    Maybe writing checks will make a comeback.

    • kilgoretrout

      I see us returning to the barter system

      • natoslug

        I’ve got three chickens, so I should be set for life. Or at least three medical visits. And maybe conjugal visits.

        • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

          I’ve got two children I’ll trade you.

          • natoslug

            What, are you trying to bankrupt me?

      • Angela Ruzzo

        There are poor people in India who sell their blood (and their children) to survive. Of course a lot of them die from selling too much of their blood, but it is an option.

    • Victoria Ricola

      I hope so. Snark memo lines were the shit.

      • shastakoala

        Nothing like a good party line.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Nothing’s been the same since those damned ATMs started showing up everywhere

      • Oblios_Cap

        I remember a simpler time when we percolated our coffee over campfires instead of using godless coffeemakers.

        • natoslug

          In my day, we baked a potato all day in a bed of coals. And we liked it!

          • Thiazin Red

            Microwave baked potatoes do taste like garbage compared to real baked though.

          • Cat Cafe

            Oh, you had potatoes? –the Irish

        • Teecha

          Campfires? You were lucky to have a campfire- we used to dreeeam of a campfire, let alone a coffee.

          And had to walk 7miles to and from school. Uphill both ways.

          • P’jama Pahnts

            Luxury. We had to live in a lake.

      • Thiazin Red

        How are there people out there who still don’t seem to know how to use an ATM? It literally could not be simpler.

        • Oblios_Cap

          some people have to try two or three debit cards and still end up leaving with nothing. It’s crazy!

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          I don’t know but a whole lot of them live near me.

      • Teecha

        An At The Moment? Wtf?

      • Arolpin

        That’s right, because standing in line for 48 minutes of your 50 minute lunch ‘hour’ at the bank on a payday Friday to deposit your paycheck and get $40 in cash so you could go to the bars with your friends was really great, and think about all those tellers they employed. Oh, there were only 2, because at other times there were only 3 customers, and it would cut into profits to hire people to handle busy times.

    • JohnBull

      If the new improved service is slow enough, maybe my old desktop with Windows 7 will work again.

      • Crank Tango

        Shit, I’m running Windows 7 on my imac right now.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        My old Win7 laptop works just fine. I even have a very old WinXP netbook that also works fine, but I only use it when I am traveling because it is very small and lightweight, and then only for email and Google Maps.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I write checks all the time. I refuse to pay for anything online unless I can use PayPal. I have seen too many people come to grief with online payments, particularly scheduled monthly online payments.

      Our local City water/electric/sewer/trash department started pushing HARD 4 years ago to get all their customers to pay their monthly bills online. They had a really tremendous advertising program about how much money this would save the City if they could reduce paper bills, and almost everyone signed up for online payments. Only AFTER that did they announce that they were going to charge people $2/month to pay their bills online. There was much screaming and hollering and they had to change their minds.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Why oh why did we ever get rid of the Pony Express?

    • Dutchman

      Awww christ, I hope not. Here in Georgia where some of the babble beating (among other things) menfolk don’t think their wimminfolk should have any type of card, it brings my grocery checkout experience to a crawl. The beer gets warm whilst waiting 37 minutes on line.

  • Treg Brown

    I guess my work around for this is to take the money i spend on cable TV and put it into new internet tiers so I retain the same internet speed and availability I’m currently enjoying. So long cable box.

    Sucks to be ABC, CBS, or NBC, as I can watch for free online.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    I am shocked. I usually only see such ignorant stream-of-non-sequitur writing from severely mentally ill people.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Are you implying that this closet sociopath ISN’T mentally ill?

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    I love how he makes the assumption that they will only “throttle” the things he doesn’t like. Because ISPs always listen to little guys like him when making decisions.

    • Teecha

      I hope they stop him watching his octopus porn. Coz you know he’s still into that old-fashioned stuff.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I really don’t understand a mindset that says, in essence, “I, personally, do not like cat videos. There are a lot of cat videos online. Can we please have a system where people who like cat videos have to pay more to see them, because, again, I personally do not like them?”
    I mean, I personally don’t spend any time at all on gamer websites. I don’t look up back issues of Guns & Ammo. But – and I think this is the difference between liberals and conservatives in a nutshell – I don’t care if someone else does, and I don’t think they should have to pay more because their interests are not my interests.

    • Teecha

      This is crazy commie talk!

      EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE SHOULD DO AND LIKE WHAT I DO AND LIKE. ANYTHING ELSE IS JUST MAAAAADDDDNEEEESSS

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    what about all the people who used to make $35,000 a year managing their local corporate video franchise

    I’m not sure they ever made that much.

    • JohnBull

      No kidding. When conservatives start pretending to care about minimum-wage Americans, you know something sneaky is up. Like when they start to care about birds getting killed by wind turbines.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Even in the time he’s talking about, a $35K yearly salary was not wonderful. It might’ve been okay for a guy in a smallish town with no family, but even in the 80’s and 90’s that kind of money wouldn’t have been –
      Oh, fuck it. Why am I trying to explain things to a simpleton who’s just trying to shame liberals (aka to him as “snowflakes”) by implying we were in favor of people losing their jobs?

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    Remember when we used to sit around the hearth and sing old songs passed down through generations? Damn radio destroyed all that.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      How about back when we used to just sit around the fire and grunt? You know what ruined that? Language, that’s what ruined that!

      • Cat Cafe

        How about when we used to huddle together for warmth? You know what ruined that? FIRE!

        • Nockular cavity

          Damn amphibians, what’s so all-fired great about this “land,” anyway? The ocean was good enough for us in my day!

          • Cat Cafe

            Solid state planet? Who needs some sort of “bang”? Gaseous states are good enough for me!

      • weighmaster

        We call that fishing camp.

      • OrG

        Bravo!

      • Little Lulu Ω

        I remember before there were bees, we had to get our honey from flies !

    • Thiazin Red

      And writing put oral historians out of business.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        I liked it before there was water on earth. Imagine how many teens lost their jobs at the end of the Late Heavy Bombardment?

        Come to that, it was a lot quieter for the Big Bang. Get the fuck off my lawn!

    • Me not sure

      Then video killed the radio star.
      https://youtu.be/Iwuy4hHO3YQ

    • Blanche de Shambles

      What about the player piano manufacturers? What about them?

    • therblig
  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    And you know what killed Blockbuster? Undercutting their own store-based brand by trying to get into the DVD-by-mail system against Netflix.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      Or spending nearly a decade ignoring the technology that would destroy their business model, only to turn up late in the game.

    • SkinlessGenderlessMan

      I used to work for that trainwreck of a company. Their imagination typically extended all the way to the inside of the blindfold they would wear while doing Strategic Vision stuff….

  • Crystalclear12

    So. . . he has NO idea what he’s talking about, does he?

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    What the internet needs is more autoplay video ads. Those aren’t a waste of bandwidth at all.

    • Reximus

      i figured out how to disable those

      • therblig

        one weird trick?

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          Are Kortney’s Vegetables involved?*

          * very oldschool wonkette joke

          • ZangoCrudmonger

            And still quite dickish …

  • calliecallie

    Thesaurus reference for so many words I knew, and yet now for fideistic? Which I had to look up. And realize I can likely use again.

    Fideism. : reliance on faith rather than reason in pursuit of religious truth.

    Or apparently faith rather than reason in pursuit of just truth generally in 2017 Trumpworld.

    • kilgoretrout

      I thought it had to do with dogs

      • mailman27

        Like roverneutics?

  • Carpe Vagenda

    fideistic

    Hell, gnostic would have been pretty fucking purple too, but it would have had the additional advantage of meaning what he’s trying to say.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      I take exception to the idea that he had clue one what he was trying to say.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I suspect he wanted to use faith-based but he decided using that as an insult would offend his intended audience.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Last month I signed up for CenturyLink’s “Price For Life” plan that says it “promises to never raise the price of internet plans if a customer sticks with the same plan and doesn’t change a home address.” It cost $3/month more than my previous plan, which had just been raised $20/month because they did away with the $20/month worth of “loyalty discounts” I had been getting for the past 8 years. For this price I get unlimited local and long-distance land line (inside US only) plus 10mbps downloads and .7mbps uploads. Now that they have done away with net neutrality, I wonder how many ways CenturyLink will find to fuck with this plan.

    • kilgoretrout

      All the ways, Katie

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Got a lawyer?

      • OrG

        “Tort reform” should take care of that.

      • Dutchman

        A Jew lawyer?

      • kilgoretrout

        I got a motion of limine with Daubert standard.

        • Doug Langley

          I prefer orange zest with a splash of gin, but whatever floats your boat.

  • Non-Threatening Ron
  • Crystalclear12

    Anyone else think his browser history is probably full of porn?

    • Christopher Story

      Weird stuff, too, like pissing on popping balloons while wearing full body latex.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        I’m seeing amputees licking popsicles while Ligeti’s Atmospheres plays on a loop.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Gimp suits and fart masks?

        • LiberalANDProud

          Casual Day in the Alabama Legislature?

      • OrG

        That’s weird. Oh my.

    • MynameisBlarney

      And not the legal kind either.

  • Oblios_Cap

    But how will this affect the dark web?

    • wait! what?

      All web links to it will be appropriated by a creationist cabal known as ark web.

  • shivaskeeper

    Do you know what this screed was missing? Any reference to the newfangled internal combustion engine driven contrivances putting all the poor buggy whip makers out of business. What about all the wick dippers and end teasers who were out of a job with the advent and acceptance of the incandescent light bulb? No pining for the telegraph operators?

    As an actual serious aside, Blockbuster Video was offered to get in business with Netflix when it started. When Netflix’s business model was DVDs by mail. Blockbuster decided to compete instead of partner. They made a bad business decision because they did not see where the future was going.

    • Jimh

      Wick dippers and end teasers are uspet about the throttling of teh pr0ns, too.

      • shivaskeeper

        I knew that one would not go uncomment on.

    • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

      I am hopeful that one day America will come to its senses and realize how shirtwaist factories on the upper floors of buildings in big cities did offer the ladies a chance to earn some pin money through meaningful work in a challenging, competitive environment.

  • Timothy Watson
  • wait! what?

    Evan’s dog was threatened?

    Fucking Huckabees…

    • MynameisBlarney

      For real?

      • wait! what?

        Yes. Fuck the Huckabees, always…

    • shivaskeeper

      Multiple times. Multiple ways. Evan as well of course.

    • OrG

      For daring to call psycho sarah a lying liar.

  • Msgr_MΩment
    • Victoria Ricola

      On a side note, I think that elected representatives that use the word “snowflake” while talking about Americans on twitter are jerkoffs who should be voted out of office.

      • Nockular cavity

        Given that he’s talking about at least half of his constituents, yeah.

      • chortlingdingo

        Don’t worry, I’ll be joyously voting against him next year. Just got my voter registration card in the mail.

        • mailman27

          Go for it c-ding! Remember to hamstring ’em before you take ’em down!!

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      That is a brutal, brutal burn.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        funny as hell- good luck with your twitter pron, zodiac killer!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Pssst, hey dumbfuck- we had regulation of the internet long before 2015. In 2010 Obama signed the Open Internet Order. And that was in response to an evolving problem as broadband became more ubiquitous- before that nobody was seriously contemplating your 56k dialup access. Nothing worse than a smarmy fucking know-it-all who doesn’t actually know WTF he is talking about.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        And the 2015 re-regulation was because fucks like AT&T and Verizon were flagrantly fucking with throttling.

        Also, I’m still laughing at that porn Ted got busted liking on twitter buffering.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          and kept suing for standing, hence the reclassification to title II as telecommunications services- yes, Dumbfuck Jr. Unlike you, we DO know WTF the issue is…

    • JohnBull

      This is really how conversations between Ted Cruz and Ted Cruz normally go.

    • chortlingdingo

      I’m increasingly annoyed by the most easily offended people on the planet calling people with legitimate concerns “snowflakes.”

  • LiberalANDProud

    “Hey Verizon, now that this is done. Let’s go get some Pai.” – Barack Obama

  • Resistor Radio

    Christ almighty, what in the everloving fuck was that bullshit? You’re entitled to a river’s worth of beer, km, for reading that in its entirety and then puzzling over how the fuck to explain that to us, but WHAT THE FUCK?

    Everything about that article is garbage, from the smug word-choices to unnecessarily slagging on middle-aged women. I was left wondering what the author’s opinion is on whether 7 is too many men for a 20 year old woman to have slept with, or if those breweries serve their beer in 20 ounce glasses (which is unsuitable for a proper lady.). Am I getting confused between one rancid hot take out of one stupid guy’s self-satisfied brain and a different rancid hot take from some other smug asshole? I might be.

    Is his next article going to be in The Outline, because it sorta reads like that asshole. Oh wait, that Wonkette-hate was a masturbatory hot take from ANOTHER useless twit entirely.

    It’s so confusing! And amazing that useless dudes with stupid opinions keep getting paid to tell us things.

    Sincerely,
    Middle Aged Woman, and, fuck you

    • Parakeetist

      AMEN

  • Royal Ugly Dude
  • Angela Ruzzo

    Just as an aside … I went around my house 5 years ago and unplugged EVERYTHING that does not absolutely have to be kept plugged in 24/7, and my electric bill went down $10/month. That’s not a lot, but it’s $120/year I didn’t have before, and it’s a good thing I did this because shortly afterwards my ISP raised my Internet bill $10/month.

    • Squeegee

      Electric heating is actually VERY expensive for a house if you heat your house with electricity.
      Most other use of electricity in your home works out pretty low.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        You are correct. I am fortunate to have gas heating and cooking and hot water (I wouldn’t buy a house without those), but even those appliances require a tiny bit of electricity to ignite the pilots.

        A programmable thermostat can save money if you use it wisely, and also it’s nice to wake up to a warm house in the morning.

      • DrBigHead

        Also electric clothes dryers

        • Angela Ruzzo

          Very true. I have been planning to add a gas line and switch to a gas dryer, but something else always comes up that is more urgent whenever I have saved up the money to do this, such as car maintenance. But being single, I don’t do a lot of laundry. I have two very nice expandable drying racks for things like t-shirts and socks and light-weight sweaters. I would put a clothesline in the back yard, but our HOA Covenants do not permit them.

          • DrBigHead

            One of the reasons I have avoided living in a neighborhood with an HOA.

            Our family of 4 produces at least 10 loads of laundry a week. Living in Tucson, we can take advantage of nature’s clothes dryer for much of the year. Still end up using the dryer more than we probably should.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Our HOA is very good – this is one of only 2 points on which I disagree with them, the other being there is no restriction on rentals, which has resulted in about 20 houses out of 120 being snapped up by investors after the 2008 economic collapse led to multiple foreclosures, and rented without the tenants being adequately screened.

    • DrBigHead

      That will buy you 3-4 bottles of Maker’s Mark.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    The “allocation of hertz“?! Apparently, the Internet is not only a series of tubes; it’s also a radio.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Yes, I found that amusing as well.

    • Resistor Radio

      Keep me out of this

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Dumbfuck must have conflated the FCC bandwidth auctions with net neutrality.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      What about the bauds? Keep yer government hands off our bauds!

      • capnkrunch

        My baud, my choice.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Be careful. They byte!

    • shivaskeeper

      In theory he is sort of right. Its an electrical or communication signal. At some point you could measure it in hertz.

      Of course that is not what he was trying to say, but still.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        back in the ancient days…

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsNaR6FRuO0

        • shivaskeeper

          I know it well.

      • Arolpin

        Except that the backbone stuff has actually moved to where hertz is only mildly relevant to bandwidth. I guess it’s relevant in WDM systems, even though we worry about the wavelength rather than the frequency (which is the inverse), but only because it’s easier to talk about a 1590nm vs 1610nm wave than 188.55GHz vs 186.21GHz.

        We do use 25GHz spacing of the channels, but that has as much to do with net neutrality as the cladding used on the fiber optic bundles.
        Hell, even a 100G OTU4 wave isn’t running at 100GHz, it’s probably running at 12.5GHz and using phase information to encode 8 bits of info into each pulse, or it’s even smarter and encoding 16 bits of data into each baud, and even that isn’t really connected to net neutrality.

        What IS connected to net neutrality is big ISPs who ALSO HAPPEN TO BE IN OTHER BUSINESSES THAT USE THE INTERNET TO MONETIZE THINGS, MIGHT DECIDE TO MAKE IT A LOT EASIER TO THROW MONEY AT ISP COMPANY THAN AT OTHER COMPANIES, and then might even not allow other companies that do it better to even show you that they want you to throw money at them, because they want you to throw money at their shitty product that doesn’t do what the good product does, but that won’t make as much money for BIG ISP SO WHY YOU HATEZ FREEDOMZ!? (It’s hard to try and translate fact into wingnut.)

  • Paperless Tiger

    It’s gonna take more than a thesaurus to polish this turd of corporate overreach.

  • jesterpunk

    Trump went from attacking the FBI to rickrolling FBI training graduates.

    http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/365084-trump-rips-fbi-before-speech-at-its-training-academy

    President Trump on Friday tore into the FBI just hours before speaking at the agency’s training academy.

    “It’s a shame what’s happened with the FBI. But we’re going to rebuild the FBI; it’ll be bigger and better than ever,” Trump told reporters.

    The president doubled down on his criticism of the nation’s top law enforcement agency before leaving the White House for the FBI’s campus in Quantico, Va., where he spoke to law enforcement leaders graduating from a training program.

    Trump said revelations about the FBI’s handling of the Hillary Clinton email investigation and text messages from a top agent that were critical of him were “really, really disgraceful.”

    “You have a lot of very angry people who are seeing it,” the president said. “It’s a very sad thing to watch, I will tell you that.”

    The president has long been suspicious of the FBI and intelligence agencies, but the timing of his criticism was remarkable.

    Roughly an hour after Trump spoke at the White House, he appeared on stage at the academy with FBI Director Christopher Wray and Attorney General Jeff Sessions at the graduation ceremony.

    During the speech, the president cast himself as a defender of law enforcement and lauded the bravery of police officers and FBI agents.

    “These are great, great people. These are really heroes for all of us,” he said.

    “The president of the United States has your back 100 percent,” Trump added. “I will fight for you and I will never, ever let you down. Ever.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Typical chickenshit. Talk smack about a group behind their backs, then cozy up to their faces. The end of his era can’t come soon enough. Seriously.

      • mailman27

        I’m just afraid it might come too late. Cuz it shoulda come yesterday.

    • Christopher Story

      No wonder his kids are so fucked up. That much emotional whiplash over an extended period of time is sure to damage anyone’s psyche

    • shivaskeeper

      Just tell whatever audience is in front of you right now what you think they want to hear.

      I am legitimately unsure if he thinks tapes of what he said an hour ago don’t exist, or that no one would ever look at them, or if because he doesn’t remember what he said he just assumes no one else will either.

      • jesterpunk

        I think he assumes everyone is like his hardcore base who will believe anything he says even if it directly contradicts what he said 2 minutes ago.

        • shivaskeeper

          50/50 it’s that or he, himself, believes whatever he said last, so he thinks everyone else does.

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      “Rebuild the FBI?” Does he mean like using private intelligence firms like what Erik Prince of Blackwater and Oliver North were suggesting?

      Yeah… no.

  • capnkrunch

    Honestly, “boring” things tends to be the most interesting. Often times what people mean by boring is “some technical or complex thing that I don’t understand.”

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Well, that is what the intellectually challenged mean by it.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Let us all thank God we have Matthew Walther to lead us to our better natures. Whatever would we poor, lost digital peasants do without the likes of him?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      But … is Matthew Walther “Kyle” is disguise?

      He’s currently penning a letter to Owen Meany.

      • Arolpin

        Probably a waste of time. Didn’t Owen Meany jump on a grenade to save a bunch of orphans? Oh, now I get it, he’s writing a letter telling him how stupid he is for doing something selfless (if preordained).

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          His recommendation is that Owen should have gone to HVAC school.

  • major_asshole

    I already have a low-grade headache from a minor cold. Reading this nitwit’s blatherings just makes me want some chicken and dumplings and a big-ass mug of cocoa because I now need more comfort than my boyfriend can provide in order to feel better.

    • Crank Tango

      Get plenty of water!

  • BrianW

    When I looked up “prudential,” the second definition was, “exercising prudence especially in business matters.” So, exercising prudence in business or government is now suddenly boring? Well, I happen to like boring, especially where things that affect my life are concerned.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Won’t someone think of the buggy whip makers?

    Sheesh that hot was brutally bad…

    • gallbladder

      It’s Friday, I’m feeling saucy and so, you get an upfist.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Trump Jr knows about neuterality from his neutering sessions with Mueller.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    He’s right about one thing. Without net neutrality, the ISPs could conspire to keep VHS rental stores in business.

  • Squeegee

    If the repeal of net neutrality interferes with pornhub.com you are going to have every millennial male in America voting Democrat in the next election and rioting in the streets.

    Because we all know that the whole purpose of the internet is for young males to watch pornhub.com 24/7 including on the job.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      What is this porn hub you speak of? Is it a new internet?

      • Squeegee

        Porn hub is why the birth rate in this country will drop to near zero in the coming decades.
        Every male in this country under the age of thirty will be spending the rest of his life spanking his monkey to porn hub 24/7.
        You don’t need to find a girlfriend or wife when you can watch women with breasts the size of watermelons sucking each other off 24/7.

        • Christopher Story

          Sammiches

          • DrBigHead

            That’s what Jimmy Johns is for.

        • TJ Barke

          Lower population size gives more bargaining power to labor.

          • pstokk

            What do we want? Black Death! When do we want it? Now!

          • Squeegee

            Unfortunately the biggest deal killer for labor has not been immigration but automation I think technology is driving down wages as we turn to a service economy.
            Soon we will be a country run by robots for robots
            There is a theory that mankind will go extinct without even knowing it as robots take over every aspect of our daily lives.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            And less idiots.

          • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

            That’s actually their concern, I think…

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          You say that like it’s a bad thing.

          • Squeegee

            I need breeders to have more brats to fund my social security when I’m in my eighties

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            The trouble is the breeders often produce unemployable offspring. Look at the Duggars all they do is breed and grift.

    • Christopher Story

      I’ve never had to actively resist face punching compulsions until these freaks crawled out from under their douchebro rocks.

      • Squeegee

        Hah yeah I changed my original response but that guy really does have the most punchable face in America….he is like the dumbest guy in the class who thinks he is the smartest guy in the class who is hip with all the girls who wont even look at him.

        And you know he thinks everything he does at the FCC is directed at getting a job at Verizon or Comcast a few years down the line.

        • Christopher Story

          That’ll be some delicious irony. The guy gets dumped on the street by the only people he thought would take him back because he’s now useless to them, and no one else will take him because he’s demonstrated himself to be so monumentally incompetent.

        • shivaskeeper

          He was a Verizon lawyer right before he was nominated. He’s going right back to the job since he was nominated to do this and this only.

          I would not be surprised if he resigned in the next 90 days to back to the 7 figure corporate job instead of the 6 figure government job.

          • Squeegee

            People were scratching their heads why so many senior executives at Goldman Sachs were resigning to join the Obama administration and then the Trump administration but I found out from an insider at the top at Goldman Sachs who I went to school with that senior executives at Goldman who quit to join the government get full payouts as partners and managing directors even though they are leaving Goldman…it is a huge conflict of interest that permits Goldman to have its sticky fingers at all levels of federal government.

          • shivaskeeper

            Part of the problem with the public/private sector revolving door.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      The outcry in Utah alone will be deafening.

      • pstokk

        The South would rise again. Ok wait that didn’t come out right.

    • mailman27

      According to some friends of mine, pre-millenials will also feel the pinch, as it were, a little bit too. This is what I’ve heard.

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      You’re not far off base, I don’t think. Somewhere a while back I read that pron actually drives technology (8mm to VHS; VHS to DVD; DVD to Internet; Internet to goddamn videos of pegging being shown on those little TV’s on top of the gas pumps…oh, they don’t have that yet? They will…)

      • Squeegee

        I remember the first time I bought a porn video on dvd at a corner deli in my neighborhood of NYC I was so nervous lol

  • capnkrunch

    I had really started to like this trend of MAGAmericans owning the libs
    by destroying their own expensive consumer goods or dressing up in
    diapers in public […]

    If the alt-righters were capable of self-reflection:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/09894895bd92b8e1c3531d991baaa227f718bb1f1c46f4e5b8eac3d61a95f75b.jpg

    • P’jama Pahnts

      The irony of Trump supporters dressing in diapers and just not getting it. It’s amazing.

  • Cornelius Fussbudget

    Here’s a handy list of things that will all basically be legal again now:

    https://www.freepress.net/blog/2017/04/25/net-neutrality-violations-brief-history

    The upshot is: don’t try building a business that the ISPs want for themselves. VOIP, RFID payment systems, and streaming video would all still be in the hands of ISPs if the FCC hadn’t intervened. The ISPs very much enjoyed charging us per minute rates 1000s of times higher than the data that it occupied.

    They probably can’t stuff those cats back into the bag, but now they can sure as hell steal the profits from the next set of innovations.

    • Rags

      and municipal wifi – now illegal

  • OneYieldRegular

    Insufferable succotash, that argument is desthpicable.

  • shivaskeeper

    Also, too re DJT Jr’s Tweet up there. I would pay good money for him to explain the pros and cons if net neutrality. I would not actually take him up on his bet though. I think, that just like his father, he wouldn’t pay up.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Of course he doesn’t know what it is. At best, he’s read a two-sentence briefing written by a lunatic.

      • Beelzebubba

        He knows rich corporations are against it. That’s all he needs to know to have a firm opinion.

      • shivaskeeper

        Read the two sentences or just skimmed them? It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

        • WotsAllThisThen

          He was told killing net neutrality is part of the Russian government’s efforts to help his father and he said, “I love it!”

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Something something Obamacare for the Internet something.

  • mailman27

    Talk about yer textbook blowhards…

  • Notreelyhelping

    You know when an alt-weekly invites in a contrarian so they can publish a right/left piece, and they always find some not very bright bulb who fancies that they’re William F. Buckley?

    Yeah, like that.

  • Beelzebubba

    The simile that utterly escapes this idjit is the highway system. Do we want special lanes for rich people to zip along in because they can easily afford the $50 toll, while the 99% are crammed into stop-and-go traffic, while paying tolls that are actually a higher percentage of their incomes?
    One guess about who’d say “Yes, that would be great!”

    • pstokk

      We have those already, fast security check lanes at airports if you have a business ticket.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        TBF, precheck is cheap- $85 for five years of not having to remove your jacket, belt and shoes and pull everything out of your carryon including your laptop is so worth it if you travel regularly. Now if they charged $850 or$8500 for it…

        • pstokk

          Fine, pre-check is OK if that’s what it costs. It does raise some questions about how well that fits with all the paranoia and security theater. A terrorist couldn’t manage to get pre-check?
          Also, isn’t there also a separate line for business/1st class, apart from pre-check and the standard line? If so, that’s wrong in principle.

      • Rags

        and fast pay-for-drive turnpikes adjacent to jammed ‘freeways.’

        • pstokk

          Yes. Europe too.
          If the tolls are reasonable, I’m not too bothered by it. Also if it’s run by the state, and the non-toll road is of similar quality, just less crowded.
          But if the set-up is obviously a convenience for the 1% but built with the funding of the 99%, on real estate, digital or physical, owned by the 100%, then that’s not ok.

      • Beelzebubba

        A business ticket won’t get you in the fast lane – youneed to be TSA “pre-checked”. I got it done, – basicaly a q

        • pstokk

          OK. Pretty sure I saw a fast lane for business/1st in Seattle recently but could be wrong. Same baggage scanners and security drill but separate (very short) line. Not “pre-checked”.
          They do have that separate line for business/1st in Europe. Annoying there as well.

          • Beelzebubba

            That could be a thing as well, if an airline can get the TSA on board.

  • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

    Well that’s sure going to get you far, Donald Jr! insulting all the people who actually know what the fuck is going on.

    Why don’t YOU explain how it is NOT illegal for a substantial public agency rule change to occur without any explanation to the public of the benefits of doing so? Why don’t YOU try to square the circle in which the investors in the ISP’s were told about all the significant investment going on in their industry, and then explain the increases in their profits, and how the current neutrality regulations supposedly harmed either of those things?

    Fuck off, you idiot. You might be able to appeal to your gormless Trumper farteaters by saying “NOBUDDY EEVN KNOES HOW STUFF WORKSES!” but some of us actually do, and we aren’t going to be influenced by the son of King Farteater tweeting shruggy emoticons and terrible editorials by The Week calling us nerds for calling out this utter bullshit.

    Shorter version: Fuck you. This only gets worse for you. Tide’s comin’

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    Wait, what the fuck?

    Citizen Kane and Seven Samurai

    Does he think that the corner video store was the fucking Film Forum?

    Who is this fuck?

  • Anna Rompage

    It’s okay folks, Idjit Pai promises that the free market will solve any issues that arise from the demise of Net Neutrality regulations.

    I’ll be just like how free market pressures have kept Comcast, Verizon, Century Link & AT&T from becoming businesses that gouge their customer, commit consumer fraud, or have the most awful customer service ratings of any industry.

    • Gosala

      Two words: market failure

      • DrBigHead

        That sound you hear is the heads of thousands of libertarians simultaneously exploding.

        • Gosala

          Music of the spheres it is also too

    • Thiazin Red

      Yeah, in most places do people even have a choice of providers? I can choose between Spectrum and Spectrum for internet.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        I get comcast or some half-assed thing called wave which is dog slow

      • Zippy W Pinhead
      • chortlingdingo

        I can choose between Spectrum and AT&T for mine, but if I moved to a complex down the road, I could only have Grande Communications, which is a local provider that is good depending on what part of town you live in.

  • Daniel

    I think it’s important to always bear in mind that the entire collection of adult Trumps are exceptionally stupid people.

  • Gigglesnort

    Yeah, like all of us really want the likes of Comcast, which is at least disliked if not hated by most of its customers, and hates them right back, in charge of segregating the worthy from the not-so-worthy streams of the Internet? This is just another case of handing all the Freedoms to the corporations and yanking them away from you and me.

    • Jimh

      This is worth posting and reposting forever
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMcny_pixDw

      • jesterpunk

        Jinx, I just posted the same video.

        • Jimh

          It needs to be seen by everyone
          Comcast is my ISP and cable provider and has me by the balls.

          • jesterpunk

            Yeah they are my ISP too and the only choice if I want decent speeds.

          • Arolpin

            My family is literally counting down the days (361 more) before we can cancel FiOS and go BACK to Comcast. Both companies are odious fatburgs of scum and villainy, but at least Comcast knows how to deliver decent Internet speeds and has a decent On-Demand section.
            I figured I would get used to the FiOS TV interface, but it’s just so FUCKING TERRIBLE. It’s literally like the Lotus Notes of user interfaces, an action does A on this screen, but the same action does Z on the next screen, ARRRGGGHHH!

      • Kryptonian Canis

        Hah! So now Comcast is also on the ballot for 2018. Good job, Ajit Pai!

  • pstokk

    My vote for Miss Hyperbole 2017 goes to Omarosa, obviously.

    • therblig

      oh yeah? well, i give her a million billion votes!!

    • Anna Rompage

      OMG, Miss Hyper Bowl death match cage fights, to crown the queen of the most absurd and ruthless, attention seeking right wing talking head out there

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        400 quatloos on the Loesch!

  • jesterpunk
    • Jimh

      wow just a second apart…

    • Customer service costs money, which means less profit! Besides, it’s not like you have a choice, do you? Suckers!

    • georgiaburning

      Comcast’s solution to their reputation for horrible customer service was to change their name to Xfinity

      • NastyBossetti

        The corporate equivalent of growing a mustache.

  • Dutchman

    I followed the linky thing to The Week to see what I could find out about this, ahem, writer.

    He has the appearance of a 33 year old hipster still living in his childhood bedroom in order to “pay off student loans”, wants to grow a manbun but just can’t summon the courage and hasn’t dated in 4 years.

    The OpEd however, sounds like his grandmother did the final edits without his knowledge.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6fdc1b26e3c178a2afd21a992a5cfbe354a08928b8d2e0d5f04047adac08d817.jpg

  • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

    I’m sorry everyone, I streamed some YouTube videos featuring an expensive product I was interested in. I guess it was probably me that was “gumming up the works.”

    Please feel free to return to Asking Jeeves about how to do a Bing search for converting your Petz dot com stocks into Blockbuster shares.

  • cmd resistor

    OT, but Trump on chain migration today. His usual coherent and reasoned self:
    “You think the countries are giving us their best people? No. What kind of a system is that?” Trump said at a press conference. “They give us their worst people, they put them in a bin, but in his hand when he’s picking them is really the worst of the worst.”

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      He literally thinks it’s an actual lottery like Powerball.

      I wonder how hard Kelly had to put his foot down to keep him from saying something about only needing “a dollar and a dream.”

  • azeyote

    i lived off the grid most of my adult life, and found that you only miss the things you’re used to having till you learn to live without them – nowadays i see young folks who always stare at their phone while, hangin out with friends, eating, walking down the street, etc. and wonder what their connection to the earth is besides bandwidth – and i won’t get started on the giant tech corporations that want to take over our lives –

  • Mr. Blobfish

    When this goes into affect and takes too long to watch Spongebob Squarepants, Master Walther will be crying like a whaler one a barrel of kerosene.

  • Opalescent Riddles

    I think that all the electrons that power this douchebag’s computer upon which he writes this crap are wasted electrons, and waste is bad, so he should be charged more for them.

    By that logic, the electric company should develop some way to determine which tasks that people are using their electrons for, and charge accordingly. Same with the water company. Water for Brandi’s shower or ‘lectric for her curling iron? Low rates because we don’t like it when Brandi is dirty and her hair just can’t even. Water or ‘lectric for cooking? Extra charge because fuck you we CAN because people gotta eat sometime.

    • Donna Mueller

      i believe you just outlined the “NEW” american business plan-“LESS IS MORE-NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PAY US.”

  • Kryptonian Canis

    When someone begins his thesis on Net Neutrality by framing the issue as a dispute over “the allocation of hertz,” you know it’s going to be an uninformed pile of horse shit, most likely delivered by a technological Luddite.

    But congratulations to him! It really is a remarkable feat to come out with something even more idiotic than what Donald Trump Jr. has to say.

  • NotReallyHere

    I rather like that “throttle,” a good old-fashioned strong verb that meant “strangle or kill” before it was an engineering term, has become the word we use to refer to the practice of internet service providers hindering the transmission of pornographic videos, online shoot-em-up games, and HBO reruns. These are all things that deserve to be throttled. Throttle away.

    INTERNET DEATH PANELS

  • HazooToo

    People like things that I don’t! They should have to pay for the privilege! I’m a massive fucking wanker who misses late fees and standing around in a dim musty shop for half and hour before I realize all these movies suck and I am wasting my life! Why doesn’t life revolve around MEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!

    • JAFischer

      Excellent translation.

      • HazooToo

        I find it’s applicable to damn near every “opinion” that gets published as news, these days.

  • SadDemInTex

    I don’t miss Lackluster but I sure as hell miss the wonderful independent video store that closed in Dallas recently. It had international videos and probably every wonderful film ever done (as well as every TV show ever put on DVD/VHS). I loved browsing in there….you could find a gem you never thought to watch. It is because of that store that I have an international DVD player that can play discs from anywhere in the world. It was like seeing the bookstores die….on the other hand I have hopes that little invidual book stores will flourish once again.

    • JAFischer

      Apparently little indie stores are doing quite well, while the big chains are not.

  • Zyxomma

    I’ve spent much of the day signing petitions. Some of the highlights: net neutrality, natch; no tax vote till Doug Jones takes his seat in the Senate; support for Eric Schneiderman’s lawsuit to preserve net neutrality. There are more, but I have more Wonkette to read.

    • Kurn

      These people are NOT gonna pay any attention to petitions.

      • phoenix00

        “By the people for the people”? Naaaaaaaah

    • Petunia Cat

      Well done! Always sing Schneiderman’s name to the tune of Spiderman! 😯😄

  • bupkus231

    Matthew Walther is a rightwing freelancer who writes for all sorts of RWNJ outlets. He is not a credible voice on anything that has to do with objectivity, let alone liberal “issues”…

    The real problem is partisan assholes have identified “net neutrality” as a “librul issue”, never really looking into what the phrase means. These guys are cavemen clacking rocks together – then complaining about the noise they make.

    If they had any understanding of the technical underpinnings of the Internet – or any realistic take on their brand of “capitalism” – they would be alarmed, instead of making stoopid words with their mouths ( or fingers )

    • 3FingerPete

      We should tell them George Soros has a huge financial stake in ISP stocks. That’s the key to changing wingnut hearts and minds.

    • leslie

      or speaking out of their ass…refer to jim carrey in ace ventura pet detective.

    • lofishman

      The cavemen didn’t miss their dicks when stabbing them though (See above).

  • James Smith

    Wonder what those RWNJ will think when all their special places become difficult to access since some isps also own or will own “left wing” media. comcast and nbc, and possibly at&t and cnn.

    • JAFischer

      Right now, we’re the ones they’ll screw, since all the corporations adore the GOP and the ‘Anything goes, if it makes money’ ethos they all accept.

  • mailman27

    When Blockbuster Video is driving any part of your argument, you’re already on thin ice.

  • Yellerduck

    I’m totally going to get naked and watch Wolfcop tonight. I don’t even know what Wolfcop is. If it sucks, I’ll find a Sharknado.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Rifftrax live Sharknado, if you must.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Internet killed the video store.

  • Vel Venturi

    I hate that the auto industry ruined the buggy whip market.

    Jeebus Kee-rist, these fucksticks will figure out a way to rationalize any goddamned thing.

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      Well, part of it, I think, is that they’ll never have a tech job, ever. So they’re largely jealous of those that do, and are happy to see them negatively affected…

  • MOG253

    That guy never worked at VZ or he would understand the risk involved.

  • 3FingerPete

    This is the take I heard yesterday. It’s spiffy! The segment starts around the 2:01:00 mark.

    https://youtu.be/Jj2LGfOtcs8?t=7283

    • mailman27

      It’s a good thing the FCC dead air rules no longer apply.

      • 3FingerPete

        I think he uses his trademark long pauses so the profundity of his monologues don’t overwhelm the audience.

        • Odd Jørgensen

          His rambling about how Reagan splintered Ma Bell and that somehow spurred innovation leading to smart phones has to be among the goofier things out there. It`s like he thinks that microchips would have been invented 50 years ahead of its time if only the phone utility system had been abolished from the start, and privatized. Free markets durr.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    “The prospect of a segregated internet in which much of the crap now gumming up the works remains legal but available only to those willing to pay a premium to access it is a welcome one.”

    Ah, but who defines was is “crap … gumming up the works”? Hmmm? Or should I say,
    Heeennnggghhh?????

    BRB, there is non-GMO cooking oil rapidly oxidizing in my oven.

    • Petunia Cat

      He is in love with 19 century technology. How is any of the stupid crap on the Internet “gumming it up”? There’s infoglut making it hard to find stuff. But the thing about the Internet is you can have loads of stuff available via it without it malfunctioning. All the loathsome crap on it that I hate doesn’t affect my ability to use the Internet.

      Also this is a total kick in the throat to small businesses. So, yeah, the GOP is the party of “business”. 🙄

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Was it really worth it that we put all those wonderful skilled ferriers out of the horseshoeing business by adopting cars as the primary mode of transportation?

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      What with wheel? Ug no longer work carry rock…

    • leslie

      farriers…corrected for the record

  • Begin Anew Day

    Ahhhhh! Ms. Killermartinis, you are back! I was mildly concerned that perhaps you were…uh…(how do I say this?)….ummm….uh perhaps you were going soft and mushy (in a NICE way) on us.

    But THIS piece of fine writing proves how WRONG I was to even think that for a second!

    Whoa! Put that baseball bat down! Hey! Look over there!That has to be the most purple squirrel I have ever seen!

    ****ducks, rolls, sprints for exit****

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      Purple squirrel? Work in HR, do you?

  • Kooolest G

    funny thing is, a few cities around the US are doing municipal internet where the city provides internet for all of it’s citizens like a utility. after this more and more cities will start doing that, but guess what kinds of places won’t get to do that because of freedom. so the comcasts and verizons of the world will only get to rip off red states and small towns. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      I do like how the Red States stab themselves in the dick, just to piss off the Blue States. Of course, we’re sitting here going “Oh, no. Please. Stop. Don’t.”

      I do, however, feel bad for the good folks that live in Red States and are affected by this…

      • JAFischer

        Keep in mind that you still pay for the consequences of the dick mutilation, however indirectly. Red states are the biggest consumers of government aid, and your taxes (and ours) pay for that. And yes, those of us who aren’t into dick-stabbing pay in other ways for their idiocy.

    • phoenix00

      …. and guess what Comcast/Verizon/AT&T do? Lobby for legislation that limits or outright prevents municipalities from establishing their own networks.

      Because…. fuck states rights when there’s $$ to be made?

    • Greenlight, a high-speed municipal internet service based in Wilson, NC, a small town in a red state, was so good that Time Warner paid the NC legislature to make similar services illegal

  • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

    OK, skippy – maybe Blockbuster (and Hollywood Video) died because they sucked cubic balls dick. As proof, I offer that Captain Video – and you can check for yourself – is still alive and well in San Mateo, CA. Ima go there tonight to get Romancing The Stone on Beta, thankyouverymuch…

    • Petunia Cat

      There are still mom and pop video stores where I live in Hamilton Ontario too. Mind you because I’m crippled I stream things. 😁 And the slowest speed package is perfectly fine. No buffering.

      By the way Internet INSTEAD OF cable TV is perfect for low income people.

    • JDM

      Blockbuster also had a habit of censoring their customers’ movie choices, and this “nanny for adults” act for some obscure reason lost customers for them.

      • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

        Aye? Hadn’t heard that one.

  • SeeTrainOffTheRails

    Personally, I would prefer having a copy of a movie, book, record, cassette, VHS tape, CD, DVD, or BluRay in my hand than having to stream the damned thing.

    Because the one thing I’ve noticed about streaming is it’s all dependent on how good your service is. And service is just about to suck for everyone but those who can afford it now.

    DoucheBro neckbeard writer for The Week is a fatuous moron. And his Twitter feed seems to be filled with nothing but conceited, self-absorbed responses to legitimate complaints.

    And the guy believes WE’RE the childish ones.

    Fuck him and the white conservative privilege he rode in on.

  • FlownΩver

    “…he’s pondering the meaning of words like he’s Barthes.”

    Imma guess Billy Earl Barthes, the guy who useta run the video store in the strip mall next to the water treatment plant.. And those words? Prolly “smegma,” “spasmodic” and “frog.”

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Or spasmodic frog smegma.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    “Has this country ever seen a more simperingly childish mob than the one responsible for the outcry over this boring prudential question concerning the allocation of hertz?”

    You know, I hate that embarassing situation where I assume the meaning of a word and i’m wrong….so I looked it up.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8a8abb9859631a6012efead0a10d38b15c7d258c6a49c79c32ba55c3488c9623.png

    I would argue he doesn’t know the meaning of the word either, as the sentence, using this definition, MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE.

    Also, I’m pretty sure allocations of hertz ISN’T HOW THE FUCKING INTERNET WORKS.

    apologies for the yelling.

    • phoenix00

      Allocations of hertz is KIND OF how the internet works. Cell spectrum is allocated by the FCC so your cell provider and Obamaphone are on the same page, and ditto DSL to separate data from voice on the same phone lines.

      Not that I expected Mr. Not-the-Insurance-Company Prudential to know that either.

  • Poly_Ester

    I’ll bet the MRAs are pissed. They won’t have a sex life if there is not free internet porn.

    • phoenix00

      The porn might be free, streaming it without constant buffering won’t be.

  • Peripatetic Poltroon

    He’s right, in a way, even though he’s couched his argument in sanctimonious facey-punchy prose. Once upon a time, most Americans had exactly one news source – the local paper. If the editor didn’t think you needed to know it, you didn’t. Along came TV and added Walter Cronkite’s judgement to the mix. News was still held in a small number of hands. Now we have 10,000,000 voices claiming to purvey the “news”, but most of it is just made up crap. Few tears would be shed if 98% of it just disappeared.
    While he may have identified the problem, he has, unfortunately, found the wrong solution. Most of what he considers to be unworthy of saving will almost certainly stick around – it doesn’t threaten our corporate overlords.

    The dangerous stuff, the stuff that threatens the pillaging by Koch and Mercer and Murdoch, *that* is the stuff that will be given 4800 baud speeds.

    Also, I want my porn to be *fast*.

    • Actually, a lot of cities and towns had more than one newspaper. AM Radio also did news, both national and local and various “public service” programs. The key thing was that they were generally owned by different companies, and so gave you different points of view.

    • Erm. No. Most markets always had multiple sources?

    • there was never one “local paper” until they all started devouring each other

  • OK, let’s see if I can explain this in a way even a Republican can understand.

    Let’s say you want to buy a bunch of stuff (books, DVDs, clothes, sex toys) from a company on the other side of the country. You pay for the stuff, and then a shipping fee based on your needs.

    With Net Neutrality, you can have it shipped via Fed Ex, UPS, the Postal Service, or some other shipping firm. You pay them a fee based on your delivery requirements. You want it quickly, you pay extra. You don’t particularly care when it gets to you, you pay a little. But the fees are all upfront and rational, and all companies will ship all the stuff without question.

    Without Net Neutrality, the big shippers split the country up into territories. So you’ve only got one company that controls your local market. And they set the shipping price with the company. “DVDs are small and light. Those will have a low shipping fee. Books are heavy, those will cost more to ship. And sex toys? We’re a Christian company who doesn’t believe in such things. We’re charging a 200% markup on them, and we’re going to kick those around and lose them in the back of the truck.” And those shipping costs will be billed to YOU, whether you want to pay them or not!

    • It is monopoly. Played with our money

      • Petunia Cat

        Yes and yes. They want to use different Internet things as if they were the TV channels in a cable TV package. But that’s not what the Internet is. On with the cable TV analogy: there was a time in the 90s when I wanted to get A&E back when it was good, CNN and the science-fiction Channel. Each of them was in a separate “pack”. Each of those packs had a bunch of other channels in that sucked and I did not want. But to get the three channels I wanted I would’ve had to pay something like 60 bucks on top of the monthly fee for the “regular” channels. So I did not get them.

        Also what will be the “regular” Internet items? The “regular” channels were the broadcast channels. There’s no set of Internet things that are obviously the regular/basic ones. The whole thing will be a phenomenal mindfuck and price gouging festival.

        Here’s how they do it in Portugal where they don’t have net neutrality.

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/db3bd52bf2d2818f5442e72d1975658289266dca3faccd81a05c1f4c77bc43a0.png

  • Dude knows not what he speaks of.

  • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

    I really hate how speech destroyed the market for throwing your feces at people who are awful. Now I’m supposed to tell them they are awful?
    For this reason, I am glad that we put out all of the fires but those in the cave of the rich jerks.

  • willi0000000

    pru·den·tial
    pro͞oˈden(t)SHəl/
    adjective
    adjective: prudential
    involving or showing care and forethought, typically in business.

    .

    ha!

  • Sylvia

    Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
    On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It Sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    !gq378d:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleCoolFinanceReportsOnline/online/easytasks ★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫:::::!gq378lhh

  • TheFamilyThalamusPersists

    I have been mentally referring to him as, ” AShit Pie,” and will heretofore refer to him as such aloud.

  • ryp

    That brewery analogy is beyond stupid. It would more like if back in the day of landlines only, the phone company charged you based on who you called.

  • Squeegee

    What killed Blockbuster is that it didn’t have porn videos for rent ammmmmmmmrite???

  • Pm Deering

    What if the power company who provides your gas and electricity decided that they were going to “cap” electricity use for their “lower tier” customers? So it’s lights out at 9pm unless you switch to the “premium” package, adding another $100 a month to your bill. Or they would provide gas for your stove, but only if you were cooking their “business partner’s” brand of TV dinner. No open-source meals for you! These are metaphors which represent pretty good analogies. The brewery thing, however, makes no sense at all.

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