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They say practice makes perfect, but we’re starting to wonder. Take Sarah Huckabee “Poot Lips” Sanders, who lies all damn day long and never gets any better at it. SO WEIRD! Last week she claimed that the American people had found Donald Trump NOT GUILTY of being a creepy perv who puts his tiny orange hands all over women. They rendered the verdict last November when they voted for Hillary Clinton by a margin of 3 million votes, so why even talk about it any more?

These false claims, totally disputed in most cases by eyewitness accounts, were addressed at length during last year’s campaign, and the American people voiced their judgment by delivering a decisive victory.

When Think Progress pointed out that this is not a very good lie, Sanders promised to come up with a better one. She sent TP a list of “eye witnesses” who can vouch that Donald Trump always kept his little paws tucked in his pockets and never even met those lying hoo-ers.

Got it. He never met his business partner, a contestant on the Apprentice, a reporter who profiled him for People Magazine, or any woman who was in a beauty pageant he supervised.

You will be FOR SHOCKED to find out that there are no IRL eye witnesses to discredit Trump’s abusers. Sanders rebutted Katie Holvey’s claim that Trump barged into the dressing room at the 2006 Miss USA Pageant in Baltimore with a woman who claims that he did no such thing at the 2006 Miss Teen USA Pageant in Palm Springs. Also a woman who competed in the 2005 Miss USA Pageant. Have we mentioned that Sarah Sanders is BAD AT LYING?

Really, girl? Links to FAKE NEWS CNN? Are you even trying?

Maybe that Donald Trump guy can shed some light on the subject of Donald Trump barging into the dressing room to ogle pageant contestants.

CNN reported last week that Trump told radio host Howard Stern in 2005 that he would “go backstage and everyone’s getting dressed, and everything else, and you know, no men are anywhere, and I’m allowed to go in because I’m the owner of the pageant and therefore I’m inspecting it.”

“You know, the dresses. ‘Is everyone OK?’ You know, they’re standing there with no clothes. ‘Is everybody OK?’ And you see these incredible looking women, and so, I sort of get away with things like that. But no, I’ve been very good,” Trump said.

Oh, but nobody believes anything he says! Anyway, the White House has their ace in the hole, AN EYEWITNESS. This AN EYEWITNESS claims to have been an 18-year-old man scrupulously observing Donald Trump not harassing Jessica Leeds in the first class cabin of a domestic flight in 1980. Jessica Leeds had never met the AN EYEWITNESS before, but still she confided in the young man that her dearest wish was to marry Donald Trump.

Sounds legit! But who is this AN EYEWITNESS? And why wouldn’t the White House name the brave soul coming forward to protect the honor of our godly president?

Maybe because he’s career scam artist, who claimed to be married to a non-existent American fashion designer, fabricated a libel suit against British media outlets, and says that he procured underage male prostitutes for Margaret Thatcher’s government. Via Think Progress,

In 1987, for example, he told newspapers in England that he was engaged to fashion designer in California named Miss Leah Bergdorf-Hunt. “Both our families are delighted,” he told The Gloucester Express. It was later revealed that he was not engaged. Also there was no Miss Bergdorf-Hunt. He invented the whole thing.

He later won a substantial libel judgment from British newspapers that reported he had AIDS. But it eventually came out that Gilberthorpe himself was the source for the story. The newspapers appealed and Gilberthorpe ended up settling after the newspapers agreed to offset a small portion of his legal fees. The incident left him “very much out of pocket and with egg all over his face.”

Gilberthorpe also contends that, as a young man, he was “paid to recruit underage rent boys for orgies attended by ministers from Margaret Thatcher’s cabinet.” There is no evidence to support his salacious claims.

Hmmmmmm. In lawtalk we might say he lacks indicia of credibility. In Wonkspeak, we’d say he’s a liar-fucking-liar and the White House must be bloody desperate if they’re willing to use this charlatan as a witness.

In sum, Sarah Sander lies like one of those tablecloths she wears to work. Which is to say, poorly and always coming apart at the seams. LIE BETTER, SARAH! This shit is embarrassing.

Are you a good Wonker who sends us money by Amazon? Well not anymore you’re not, since Amazon COINCIDENTALLY stopped accepting our payments shortly after Evan’s VERY SEXIST Sanders post came out. Would you be so great as to re-sign with Paypal or Stripe? (And everybody else, you too!) K we love you bye.

[ TP Email Sanders / CNN / Think Progress / Think Progress, again]

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  • Bill D. Burger
  • little miss high and mighty

    will this all lead to fist dee cuffs soon?

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Is that dress supposed to confuse predators?

    • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

      I’m going to hell, but all I could think of when I saw it was, “My eyes are up here…. and also here…. and here…. and here….”

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Her pet octopi are very affectionate after a few bottles of WhiteOut.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      I think it’s to keep songbirds from crashing into her.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Beverage spray, thank you!

  • Michael R
  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Are they gonna send Steve Miller in to crack skulls today? Usually this is the time when the send in some puke to play “enforcer”.

  • ArgieBargie

    “…the American people voiced their judgment by delivering a decisive victory.”

    Oh, so she’s basically admitting Trump is guilty then.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      A decisive victory of -3 million votes. H’okay then…

      • ArgieBargie

        5-6 million illegal voters can’t be wrong!

  • weejee

    Very too many Possum Princess posts. I’m gonna run out of Blingees!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/790db3d218b853ecdd3bfd07854eb085941987e5fa562aeb2bfe780bf46b7f82.gif

  • Michael Smith

    Incidentally, President Trump’s finances are totally on the up and up, and here to attest to the truth of this statement is the dude that Leo played in Wolf of Wall Street.

  • Blackest Noobs

    tacos. everyone needs a taco.

    • GoutMachine

      I was promised a taco truck on every corner, dammit!

      • Mormos

        move to albuquerque

    • little miss high and mighty

      man, you don’t know how…
      Nerry a corn tortilla in the entire €U we suppose- not to mention our favorite blue.
      We now think it is a Monsanto thing- the Gen corn of which > 70% of the North American crop consists. So too much Gencrops for the €u and no decent tortillas so, no tacos. No Barbaracoa (sp?) no Anaheim Chilis, no Menudo, noRellenos.
      But then, no US Republicans in charge of everything.
      That said, we needz tacos!

      You are all so privledged to have them.
      We sads.

      • Blackest Noobs

        TACOS

        • little miss high and mighty

          €urope sux for Mexian food!

          • Blackest Noobs

            theres messicans in europe?

          • little miss high and mighty

            Rolando Villazo´n (everyone loves Rolando) But the comida autentica is really hard to find- maybe Berlin. Bavarians don’t even have the proper pinto beans.

  • canes_pugnaces

    I, with my own two eyes, c. 1996 saw Trump in the company of some VERY young girls at a pervy guy ‘gathering’ at Trump Tower. Lots of coke. Lots of gross real estate types. Will Sarah use me?

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Bill D. Burger

      That is A W E S O M E.

      Should be used live in the pressers each time Huckster’ finishes a sentence.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      My dog just left the room looking very confused.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I pushed the little red button. I giggled uncontrollably.

      I’m such a guy.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I refuse to apologize for the fact that I find flatulence to be hysterical.

  • Bill D. Burger

    https://twitter.com/Acosta/status/940631884241031169

    Acosta gives a big ol’ symbolic “NO…and fuck you” to Hildebeast Huckabee:

    https://twitter.com/AlliemalCNN/status/940630739795759110

    • therblig

      there’s a manatee pool at the white house? with a water spray?

    • Meccalopolis

      lol: Hildebeast

  • Crystalclear12

    What has the world come to when a REPUBLICAN is bad at lying?!

  • memzilla Ω

    Ol’ Poot Lips always reminds me what would happen if Dollar General and Family Dollar had a love child together.

    • GoutMachine

      Is Hobby Lobby the crazy uncle in this scenario?

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Considering what we’ve learned of the Christian Right in the past few years, I think Hobby Lobby would be the creepy uncle.

    • Reximus

      In a three-way with Dress Barn

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      with the shotgun wedding reception at the local Cracker Barrel

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Walmart was the midwife.

  • Bananas Foster

    Nobody mentioned to her the pitfalls of trying to prove a negative?

    I mean, for realz?!

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Maybe they didn’t cover that at Arkansas Homeschool Bible College.

    • clubseal

      The only time you should try to prove A negative is during a blood test.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      “You can’t prove a negative.”

      This is unproven because it’s a negative.

      That fuzz you see is your brain smoking.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    It was Hillary’s Emails what barged in on those teenage beauty contestants!

    • Bill D. Burger

      Just like they murdered Ben Gazzara.

      • little miss high and mighty

        Is this Cassavettes week here or sompin?

      • Mormos

        Ben Gazi?

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Just a heads up to those who partake- be careful with that Indica of Credibility, it’s seriously potent and known to put people into a beanbag chair for the night after just one or two tokes…

    • little miss high and mighty

      We do with the Sativa tonight, also, too
      and besides

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Just remember to play by the rules- puff, puff, pass. Don’t bogart that joint, my friend…

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSgGCOHuO1U

        • MynameisBlarney
        • little miss high and mighty

          Great Band! Lowell George and Estrada and co. What an loss! ol Lowell.
          But some of the holysmoke is way to pricey for joints.
          we do single hits,
          we cheapos (actually jus poors)
          Germans and other €uroids aroundhere abouts always roll these big, wasteful , mostly tobacco funnel fetish jobs.
          Ruuuude! wasteful, then they expect you to hang on and bogart it before passing it (as Amis do) conservationistly along- peae pipe style)
          This funell waste never appealed to me and the tobacco is downright poisonous.
          Why do they still mix it so?
          They crazy

    • Jonny On Maui

      The origin of “couch lock”…

  • MynameisBlarney

    Meanwhilst, at Sheffield Hallam University, the most important debate of our lives rages on.
    http://cheezburger.com/4241157/a-university-club-night-has-sparked-an-intense-twitter-debate-over-the-proper-way-to-cut-toast

    • little miss high and mighty

      Dr.Seuß did one of his last books “The Butter Battle” on the fatal toast/class warfare. In his old, squiggly hand, a bit morbid, but still stinging comment from Geisel. (Late cold war metaphor book)
      The Butter Battle Book by Dr. Seuß.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    Ummmm….Isn’t there a recording of Trump bragging, with his very own disgusting mouth, that he assaults women?

    • mike stone

      Trump now claims that it is fake – surprised?

      • Spurning Beer

        Billy Bush is an eyewitness, however, and he’s pissed.

        • GoutMachine

          Yeah, but he’s not an eyewitness exonerating Trump, so he doesn’t count.

          • mike stone

            The latest WH BS story is that there were eyewitnesses at the pageants that exonerated him from walking into the lady’s dressing room and grabbing them, etc

            As it turns out, these “eyewitnesses” were not even present at the pageants where the dirty deeds happened.

            See: http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/white-house-eyewitnesses-trump-accusers

            Therefore the people giving testimony on his behalf were not eyewitnesses – they were not even there.

            Somehow, I think this is part of their plan to confuse the Hell out of everything so no one knows what is true or not.

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        It was John Barron!!

    • Nounverb911
    • OrG

      Several.

    • clubseal

      Recordings have a liberal bias. Or recording devices were created by Hillary while Benghazi was being attacked. Or maybe we can blame Obama, for wire tapps on tapes.

  • Jonny On Maui

    SHS always looks like she’s about to take a diet-heavy-in-cheese shit. You know, one that’s going to hurt and a soup spoon would help pry out the fecoconcrete…

    • Shan

      Hey, I’m trying to eat lunch!

      • shivaskeeper

        Avoid the cheese.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Just go ahead and cut it.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            or at least move it…

      • Jonny On Maui

        And my job here is done. The Wonkette Diet strikes again!

        • Shan

          I’m trying to GAIN weight!

    • MynameisBlarney

      GODDAMMITALLTOHELLANDBACK, JOHNNY!!!

      WTF?

      LOL

      I need 500 cc’s of brain bleach, STAT!

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        {{{Absentmindedly hands over empty Brain Bleach container…}}}

        Oh, sorry, there was just enough for one application in there.

        • MynameisBlarney

          GAAAAAAAH!!!!

    • Rebel Scum with permit
    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      Honey, don’t be gross!

      • MynameisBlarney

        HAHAHA!

        Johnny got buuuuusted!

        • Jonny On Maui

          That’s okay. It’s just the first time today…

        • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️
          • Naytch

            We sing this to our kids when they caught eating ice cream before dinner :)

    • Crank Tango

      Reminds me of my first poop after being in the hospital for a week and also on shitloads of opiates.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Check your hospital bill. It’s amazing what they charge for a replacement toilet.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      SHS often looks like she is in the throws of an acute constipation attack.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef
      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        “Ooh wow!”, repeatedly.

    • Michael Smith

      haha what a great mental image

    • Good_Gawd_Yall
      • Jonny On Maui

        Like all good cats, I’ll be hiding under the bed…

    • The Wanderer

      She’d have to emulate the constipated mathematician, and work it out with a pencil.

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    She’s just Baghdad Bobbing it now.

    • mike stone

      At this point, Baghdad Bob was more believable and better looking.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Beltway Bob

      • BreakingDeadMen

        I called Spicey that, before Melissa McCarthy came out with Spicey and killed that one.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Sarah is Baghdad Blob.

      ETA: I like BagHag Blob better, though.

    • Meccalopolis

      “There are no tanks in Washington…” wait, bad example

  • clubseal

    Again, how is this supposedly civilized nation allowing as an argument – from the fucking White House, no less – that since there were times where someone wasn’t sexually assaulting women, it means that they never have? This is like some shitty real life version of The Twilight Zone.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      I am still awaiting evidence that the United States is a “civilized nation”.

      • clubseal

        Fair enough. I don’t believe that it is, I just always hear about it being a beacon on the hill, or some other such lie.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Beacon on the hill. Meh. More like Sauron’s Eye.

        • Roadstergal

          The Boston Settlers called it a ‘city on the hill,’ and reading their writings, I got the sense that it was ‘people are watching us, better mind our Ps and Qs and make sure we behave.’ Reagan added one word and called us a ‘shining city on the hill,’ with the clear implication that we’re fabulous and can do no wrong as long as he’s giving bullshit speeches and letting people with AIDS die.

          • clubseal

            I’d rather be the “Bacon on the Hill.” Extra crispy. On a chicken sandwich. Must be lunchtime or something.

          • little miss high and mighty

            Wynthrop, but he kind of outcasted himself, too
            we always think “Unattainable” city up there somewheres.

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            Sarah Vowell, The Wordy Shipmates

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          they actually meant bacon the hill- not nearly as aspirational, but far tastier…

          • clubseal

            I believe it’s a jinx moment.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            must be lunchtime, lol

  • Crank Tango
  • OrG

    Why would using THIS charlatan make them any more desperate than all of the other charlatans?

  • Spurning Beer

    “I think that the fact that the uproar was overshadowed by other outrages, and faded away over time, shows that the American people are fine with teenager voyeurism and pussy grabbing. We don’t need to litigate all of this again.”

  • shivaskeeper

    When I have to defend myself from serious charges that crop up from my past, I always use known liars and con men. It gives my defense an air of legitimacy it would otherwise lack. This is a winning strategy. Believe me.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Roadstergal

      A la Trump, I will note that she is doing a terrible job and don’t think I should have to pay.

      • coozledad

        I’m wondering what would happen if there was a genuine tax revolt. Say a majority of Americans filled out their taxes and then put the payments in escrow, like large corporations.

        Would the Republicans be on the hook more from Russia or China?

  • TundraGrifter

    Sanders and Trump learned everything they know about “eye witnesses” from Bull O’Really?’ Remember how he claimed to have been in combat in the Falkland Islands when he was hundreds of miles away? How he saw murdered nuns down in El Salvador when it was photos he saw? When he claimed to have put his life on the line during a riot in LA but nobody else remembers it that way? How he heard the gunshot of a man shooting himself in Florida when Bull was in Texas at the time?

    • jodyleek

      The lies go in, the graft comes out. Who can explain it?

  • jodyleek

    I’m getting the feeling that at some point we are going to need to drop the idea that any and all evidence will sway the minds of the mindless.

    • kilgoretrout

      The Minds of the Mindless was one of the better 1970s soap operas.

      • jodyleek

        Did that come on before or after The Edge of Wetness?

        • BreakingDeadMen

          It was after The Gulled and the Shameless

          • Spurning Beer

            All My Childmolesters

          • BreakingDeadMen

            General Hostileface

          • Jonny On Maui

            Popular in Alabama…

          • jodyleek

            It’s Memaw’s favorite program!

          • jodyleek

            Ryan’s Hope(less)

          • Arolpin

            Genital Hospital

        • eggs ackly-wright

          As the World Turds.

  • Marion in Savannah

    Good God — what is that thing she’s wearing? It’s staring at me…

    • Daniel

      It frightens off predators.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        That’s like giving a cross to a clove of garlic

      • Arolpin

        She knows that ‘My eyes are up here’ is a thing, but she doesn’t really understand it. Poot-lips FAIL!

    • Shan

      The pearls were a bad choice.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Was there a possible good choice, given what else is there?

  • BreakingDeadMen

    She is so manly. Where did she get that from? Not her daddy.

    • Nounverb911

      Her dog killing brothers then?

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Maybe. Are they older than her?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    The Huckabeast is on the rampage.

  • Mormos

    SHS: another day another dollar…

    • Nounverb911

      She’s over paid at a dollar a day.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Considering she spends half her daily salary buying a new outfit for the next day’s presser…

        • Beowoof14

          Come on she isn’t paying that much for those outfits, they all look as if they’re on discount at the Dollar Tree.

  • This is the most hilarious political parody show I’ve ever seen. Thank goodness it’s just too absurd to happen in real life.

    • GoutMachine

      It’s all fun and games until the thermonuclear war starts.

      • Yeah, but can you imagine the next season where everyone is stuck in a bunker with Trump? That would be awesome.

        • “Okay, we’re going to need to repopulate the Earth and the First Lady tragically did not make it to the bunker in time.”
          “Sir, she made it to the bunker. That was her banging on the door yelling, “Please let me in! Dear God, the lights! The fire…” followed by screaming.
          “We don’t know that was her. Many people are saying that was not her. Doesn’t matter. Ivanka, your task this week is to make yourself a brother-son.”
          “Daddy, I keep telling you that it’d be against the laws of God and man.”
          “Actually, there’s the story of Lot and his daughters…”
          “I knew there was a reason I picked you, Pensie.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Mom always said, don’t play Trump in the White HOuse

      • ImGoingBacon

        You’ve never played any of the Fallout video games. Fun and nuclear holocaust in one package!

  • kilgoretrout

    Should Wonkette liveblog the 3 pm SHS show?

  • Bananas Foster

    I need to know where she buys her clothes.

    So I can destroy it from space.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Same place that Kim Davis buys her adult size toddler clothes?

      • Cat Cafe

        It’s just another aspect of the Hate Cult they belong to. I’m not even kidding here.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        ♫ She’s got… Kim Davis lies… ♫

    • cmd resistor

      I would describe myself as somewhat frumpy in clothes. At my age, comfort outweighs fashion, for sure. But I am not on TeeVee. Also, too, I would never wear that outfit.

  • GoutMachine

    CNN reported last week that Trump told radio host Howard Stern in 2005 that he would “go backstage and everyone’s getting dressed, and everything else, and you know, no men are anywhere, and I’m allowed to go in because I’m the owner of the pageant and therefore I’m inspecting it.”

    And then the murders began.

  • Beowoof14

    How decisive was that victory when Money Boo Boo lost by the 3 million votes. Damn Sarah thinks the media is dumb.

    • Chyron HR

      Did any of them call her on it?

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Dunning Kruger strikes derp

      • Cat Cafe

        Exactly….

  • Good_Gawd_Yall
  • Infrequentcontributor

    You know, there’s plenty to dislike about Sarah Sanders. I think we can lay off her garments or appearance generally. We sound either catty or whatever-the-word-is-for-a-man-inappropriately-judging-a-woman’s-appearance-y. And more to the point, there are much more important things to focus on. (Flame shields up)

    • MynameisBlarney

      Your concern is duly noted.

      • kilgoretrout

        I try to steer clear of her looks.

        • Marion in Savannah

          Yeah. She can’t help the way she looks. What she chooses to wear, however, is all her choice and open to comment AFAIC.

          • Victoria Ricola

            Also too, eye makeup.

        • Meccalopolis

          me too. like to kill me

    • ariel_gee_398

      I agree her appearance should be off limits, but her clothes are a matter of choice and taste. Can we at least agree that most of what she wears is less appropriate for her job than a tan suit on a President?

    • nightmoth

      I agree. Her daddy’s a Baptist preacher. That means she pretty much has to dress dowdy. I think it’s in the preacher’s kid code.

      • Arolpin

        No, it means she has to dress modestly. Some of my 2nd/3rd cousins on my dad’s side are Conservative/Modern Orthodox Jews, (and my first 3 years living in NYC I worked for an Orthodox Jewish company) and you can be modest and still be stylish. Hell, one of my shirttail relatives had a company called Funky Frum, which appears to have closed, but they still have a Facebook page. It’s not high fashion, and probably more Blossom than Bianca, but it sold attractive, well-made, professional clothes for religious women (and I’ll bet you a large amount of money that they didn’t use blended fabrics either).
        Some of the most well-dressed women I’ve ever met have been religious Jews, and they were a lot more striking than some floozy in a cheap tank-top.

    • JohnBull

      I agree. We shouldn’t make fun of her looks. We can, however, call her a disgusting liar whose soul was traded for less than a 2:00-am-drunk-binge-at Taco Bell and whose continued presence on this planet makes me question the existence of a supreme being.

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      I can go along with the looks thing, but IMO, clothes are never off the table and yes, her mother does dress her funny.

    • BigCSouthside

      Cast your lot with those that think women are to be subservient pieces of ass and lie to keep them in power, then no quarter. Everything is on the table. You’ve surrendered your right to the protection of the rules of civility we helped create.

      If you get to lie to millions of people about puss grabber, I get to say you look like what would happen if fetal alcohol syndrome and inbreeding went terribly wrong

    • Shan

      Why? We make fun of Trump’s awful appearance and inability to dress himself properly. Just because SHS is a woman doesn’t make it sexist.

      • Infrequentcontributor

        In the world we live in today, it seems like punching up vs. punching down. Maybe that’s sexist too. But that’s how I feel.

  • OrG

    Does she know we call her poot lips?

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      Someone should make it a point to tell her.

  • Spurning Beer

    If Doug Jones wins by one vote, I am going to take credit. My sister in law in Montgomery was not going to vote because “they’re all crooks,” “he [Moore] is going to win anyway,” and “my plate is full.” I texted her that I would never speak to her again if she didn’t vote, and gave her the bill of particulars. She was offended by my threat, but voted, and said, “It felt good.”

    • BreakingDeadMen
      • little miss high and mighty

        now we cry.

        • Edna

          Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
          On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It Sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
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    • Meccalopolis

      if we could get all our sisters in law to vote we’d never be in this mess again

  • LadyLaz
  • altleftjohn

    Hey, let’s see you lie for this flaming shitberger!

  • PDT

    across the pond here (any Belfast wonkers btw?) what’s going on in Alabama, any news?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      not for a few hours

      • PDT

        thank you both

    • Bananas Foster

      We won’t know anything until 7pm Alabammy time.

      Greenwich -5.

      • cmd resistor

        Is there even news on turnout? I saw one photo of a long line which apparently was not in a majority white district.

        • Spurning Beer

          One reporter on MSNBC a few hours ago said poll workers were saying the turnout was almost like for a presidential election.

          • Bananas Foster

            That’s good news!

        • Bananas Foster

          There seem to be some reports that turnout is high.

          Which is good for us.

          • cmd resistor

            I found this in a Washington Post article, also encouraging:
            In Mountain Brook, where Jones voted, Moore supporters were scarce amid heavy turnout.
            Several people said they were voting specifically against Moore, a former Alabama chief justice who was twice removed from the bench.
            “He didn’t obey the laws of our country,” said Patty Crow, 44, an elementary school librarian. “The vote for Jones would have been difficult if he was running against another Republican.”
            “This is the first time I’ve voted for a Democrat,” said Henry Waller, 24, who works in logistics for a granite company. “I’m a Christian, and I think Moore represents the absolute worst way to put Christianity into politics.”
            In Birmingham’s primarily African American Woodlawn neighborhood, turnout was steady.

    • little miss high and mighty

      538 won’t call it. But the averages of averages of land line call polls favors the criminal pervert Moore, but caveats and caveats all around so stil a maybe.
      Voting itself’s all done soon.

  • LadyLaz

    I really don’t care about her clothes… her lies on the other hand….

    • Daniel

      So you’re saying you care about the clothes she claims the emperor is wearing?

      • LadyLaz

        Nice!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Just finished reading Gore Vidal’s “Lincoln” and I have to admit that there was a time when the repuke party could be admired, when people of differing opinions could work together and even grow to admire one another, and when people were actually willing to put aside politics for the good of the nation.
    That time is long gone, and the country is the poorer for it. In fact the country is likely finished – and it will be this second incivil war we’re now having that will break it in a way the actual shooting war could not and did not.

    • Cat Cafe

      I myself am reading “Liberty or Death: The French Revolution” and it’s pretty horrifying to see the parallels

    • little miss high and mighty

      Isn’t that the freshest Lincoln so far?
      Vidal , genius. That piece of work uncovering Mary Todd’s secret service nick name!
      Hellcat. and he? The Ancient.
      Vidal is very important.
      “Burr” is great as well.

    • TundraGrifter

      That is a great book! He wanted to present Mr. Lincoln “warts and all” and by making him human he made him greater. Shortly after finishing that novel I was in the Chicago Historical Society and there was the chair Mr. Lincoln sat in as a member of Illinois legislature. The ends of the arm rests were worn. I looked around – no guards. I turned, bent my knees a bit (I didn’t sit in it – I’m not a monster!) and put my hands where his hands had been.

    • altleftjohn

      As Vidal himself liked to point out, the Union won the war and the Confederacy won the peace.

    • Tetman Callis

      Yeah. I agree — “this second incivil war we’re now having” could break bad in an ethnic-cleansing, religious war way that would tear this country apart such that it could never be put back together. We think it can’t happen here, but hahaha, just let’s wait and see. All that has ever held the US together is an idealistic dream. Turn that into a nihilistic nightmare, see what world we wake up in. No rainbows, no ponies, but mebbe them four horsemen we’ve heard about.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Nowadays it seems like people with differing opinions want to kill each other.

      I violently disagree with this state of affairs.

  • Shan

    OT: I think it was a huge mistake to force myself to finish an entire double quarter pounder cheeseburger and fries just now. I feel dizzy.

    • MynameisBlarney

      From McFondles?
      No wonder you feel dizzy, that shit ain’t even food.

      • Shan

        I know but I wanted a whole bunch of calories and my son was out and about so he grabbed it for me.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Bacteria don’t even like that shit.

    • TundraGrifter

      My go-to fast food is still In ‘n’ Out. I don’t get that very odd feeling that comes from dining at McDonald’s or Jack-in-the-Box.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        I always thought a fast food joint with a name that sounds like a sexual innuendo was LOL-inducing.

        • Skeptical_thinker

          Ever seen a “Kum and Go”?

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            Not in Phoenix.

          • The Wanderer

            I saw one in Arkansas, and laughed too much to actually eat there.

          • BearDeLaOursistance

            Back when I lived in the magic land of Iowa (which is absolutely festooned with those), we used to sit around re-naming it. Ejaculate & Evacuate, Spooge & Split, Shoot & Scoot…

          • TakingAmes

            I insist on buying coffee tumblers from there whenever we’re in Iowa because I like carrying them around.

      • Arolpin

        No love for Fatburger? It’s damn good, and they exhibit truth in advertising.

        • TundraGrifter

          I’m in Northern California. However, I’ve heard of Fatburger and the next time I’m down in LA I’ll give it a try. I’d heard about Five Guys because it was Mr. Obama’s favorite. I was disappointed – expensive and just a greasy mess. The Habit is pretty good, but if I’m going high end The Powder Keg over in Hercules is the best local spot.

          • Arolpin

            You found Five Guys FRIES to be a disappointment, or their burgers? I like their burgers, but I can see someone thinking they’re greasy (Shake Shack does burgers better IMNSHO) but I will NOT STAND for someone denigrating their fries. They even tell you which farmer in which town sold them the potatoes they are serving that day.
            GOOD DAY, SIR!

            :)

          • TundraGrifter

            I have no beef with their fries. The burger (I’ll admit, with grilled onions) quickly degenerated into a greasy mess that fell apart in my hands. Not long ago I had a Shake Shack milkshake and it was so artificially sweet I would have thrown it away except I was driving and desperate for any form of sustenance.

      • BigCSouthside

        Animal style. King of the fast food burgers

        • TundraGrifter

          It’s always animal style in our house.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      If you start tweeting like a common Trump, call an ambulance, STAT.

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      I think it’s what’s referred to as a grease buzz.

    • BigCSouthside

      #MeatSweats

      • Shan

        Oh god. It could very well be.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Can you get #MeatSweats from #SweetMeat? Asking for one of my cats.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Gotta be real meat for that to happen.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Yeahbutt fake meat sweats are the shits.

    • kilgoretrout

      I do the McDonald’s lunch once every six months. It reminds me of my youth and I still think the fries are terrific.

      • Arolpin

        The fries are definitely the best thing at McD’s, but I still like their shakes, and if you give me an apple pie, I won’t say no.
        The best fries are at Five Guys though, just don’t go in if you have a peanut allergy, because they have barrels of peanuts to eat while you wait for you order, and the floor is literally covered with shells at any one I’ve been to.

        • kilgoretrout

          Five Guys has very greasy fries. Their burghers are good. But I’m not a gourmet.

          • sgt. jmk of the résistance

            You can get a pretty damned good grilled cheese at Five Guys.

          • Boscoe

            The fact that Five Guys uses the fries as packing material in their to-go orders should tell you all you need to know about Five guys fries… ;P

        • ImGoingBacon

          If you can find a working shake machine at Mickey Ds

        • Boscoe

          LOL So YOU’RE the only person in America to find a McDonald’s with a working shake machine?? Pics or didn’t happen. ;P

          • Arolpin

            I’ll have to take a picture next time I give into the whining from the back seat and go to McD’s. Luckily the whining is usually for Wendy’s, which I can tolerate, though their Frosty is good, but not McD’s shake good, and nowhere near Shake Shack good.

      • rosenbomb

        My beau works in the potato processing industry (yes, we live in Idaho, why do you ask?) and he says McDonald’s is a good place to get fries from. Their supplier keeps their facilities clean and all that.

        He told me to avoid Burger King fries, because their supplier is gross.

        • Caepan

          Damn. I like Booger King fries!

          • rosenbomb

            …oops, sorry! His point of reference is for the plant out here, but I’m sure they have several suppliers throughout the country. So…maybe they’re not all gross!

        • Arolpin

          A family friend found himself unemployed after he returned to Idaho from Vietnam, started as a french fry tester/QC for McDonalds, moved up and up to eventually being in charge of all potato purchasing worldwide, then EVP of packaging for McDonalds before he left and became their largest worldwide paper supplier. McDonald’s takes their french fries seriously. And their Egg McMuffins. The rest is just marketing.

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          Alas, the beef flavoring McDonald’s puts in their fries make them inedible for me now, but I remember they seemed just about perfect, back when I still ate them.

    • Blackest Noobs

      i really cannot remember the last time i had a burger at any place other than my grill. i mean sure there’s a few of those better burger joints, and i get it why some peeps still eat McDonalds or Burger King, it’s their money to waste, but for me, for about the same price burger combos from any of those place for four people, i could feed twice as many with the same amount of money, the burgers would be helluva good, and still have money left over for everyone to have two beers ( though those beers would be highlife or natty boh)

      https://goo.gl/images/rNDeaG

      • Shan

        I don’t know how to do that.

        • Blackest Noobs

          to cook a burger, make one? etc?

          it’s pretty easy Shan. and just takes a lil practice to hone in those grilling skills ( basic easy rule, just let ’em cook, don’t molest it like a common Roy Moore)

          • Shan

            I don’t know how my grill works. My dad bought it for me but only my ex ever used it and he’s been gone for over 2 years.

          • Blackest Noobs

            gas or charcoal?

          • Blackest Noobs

            gas would be the one with the little tank attached to it.

          • Shan

            Yeah, thanks, smartass! It’s gas!

          • Blackest Noobs

            ok…ha ha wasn’t trying to be smart, but you did say didn’t know how it works.

            so first thing is you need is to get the tank filled. you could youtube how to take it off…it’s fairly easy.
            second, take it to get it filled ( you could exchange it but filling is cheaper) check before going but most hardware stores will have a propane fill station like Tractor Supply Co., or Ace Hardware, or even some gas stations
            third, once filled take home, you might need some muscle picking it up, not super heavy, but if you think 40lbs is heavy, bring someone with you
            fourth, put that tank back on the grill.
            fifth, turn the knob on the tank to open to release, Kraken, no, i mean the gas.
            sixth, those grill usually have an auto lighter, turn on one of the gas grill knobs, hit the auto lighter ( if no auto lighter use a match or hand lighter but do not wait too long to do so, or you might get a slight fire ball action, nothing serious but might scare you a bit)
            seventh, once lit, you could turn on the other burners if needed.
            eighth, get to grilling.

          • Blackest Noobs

            also gas grilling is easier of the two

          • Shan

            Pretty sure I could get it started since I’ve seen it done often enough. It’s the actual grilling of the actual food I don’t know about.

            I could practice, though. I just remembered I did fish on the grill once, using a fish basket, and that turned out really well.

          • Blackest Noobs

            start with chicken thighs ( if you like that kinda meat) cuz you cannot over-cook ’em. i usually just cover mine in olive oil and then some rub i like. burners at medium…15-20 minutes.

            burgers, if make the burgers at home, once you made the patties, just stick your thumb in the center, when you notice the center is gone, the burgers are pretty much done ( well depends how done you like em, if it’s Donald Trump style, don’t even bother grilling)

            now i have a charcoal grill ( have a gas one but havent touched in years)…on side of the grill i have my hot side and my cool side ( which you can do in a gas grill too, just turn off those burners on that side)..the cool side usually has a pan of water….and if im truly getting nutty about it, i smoke the meats, but that involved getting the grill temp down to about 270.

          • Shan

            You really like your grilling!

            Yes! I like chicken thighs. I’ll probably never make them as good as my stepdad did, all crispy on the outside and juicy on the inside. He grilled all year round.

          • SDGeoff3

            Indirect heat.

          • Shan

            So I close the lid and put them on TOP of the thing?

          • SDGeoff3

            Never thought of that approach. Hmmm…
            Light both burners, get the grill hot. Then put the thighs on one side and turn off the heat under them, leaving the other side burning at medium. You can cook them low and slow and it will be wonderful.
            Oil based salad dressings make great marinades. Ken’s Asian Sesame, Balsamic Vinaigrette, other Italian style dressings too. Put the thighs in a zip lock bag and douse them with a couple of cups of dressing, refrigerate and after a couple of hours, you’re good to go. I’m doing chicken thighs on the grill tonight too.

          • Shan

            I was just kidding!

            And thanks for the instructions!

          • SDGeoff3

            But you got me thinking… Think of all the things I could cook at once if I used the top, too…Oh I think it’s time for drinkies.

          • Shan

            Bacon.

          • SDGeoff3

            You really are feeling better! Hooray!!!!

          • Blackest Noobs

            you totally can do it.

            start off simple. don’t have to get nutty making your own rub. or heck, you can brine it, then grill it.

            and you could smoke it, even on a gas grill, just soak some hickory chips for an hour, drain them, and then fold them into aluminum foil, cut a couple slits in it, and place on the grill with the chicken.

            if you got a temp gauge on the grill, just get to about 270 or 300, place chicken on the cool side, with the hickory chips on the hot side, grill covered for about 15-20 minutes. temp for chick should read about 165 but a reddish color on the chicken is a tell tale sign of it’s done.

          • Blackest Noobs

            you could place it on the skin side down on hot side for like 2-3 minutes, then cool side, and then place the hickory chips on hot side to get that smoking flavor goodness.

          • Blackest Noobs

            and p.s. you could do the same for fish too….smoking it.
            salmon has a tell tale sign of being done when you see the fish fat render itself.

      • kilgoretrout

        Homemade smash burghers are really good.

      • Crank Tango

        It’s all about the fried potatoes.

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      I ate Taco Hell last night and even though I’m on 40 mg, twice a day of Omezprazole, AKA Prilosec, I paid dearly for it.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Drugs that try to make you feel better are contraindicated by Taco Bell “phud”.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        The offspring gets Taco Bell routinely, as it’s the only vegan fast food within range of our house. I envy his digestion.

        • TakingAmes

          Now I know you’re lying. There is no possible way that anything at Toxic Hell is vegan.

          • Non-Threatening Ron

            If we loosely define ‘vegan’ as ‘no animal products’ then it’s vegan the same way Play-Doh is.

          • sgt. jmk of the résistance

            No, for real – Taco Bell has a ton of stuff for vegans. They don’t use animal products in their beans or their tortillas or at least one of their rice preparations, so the offspring gets burritos or tacos or whatever with beans, potatoes, and/or rice and with no cheese and no sour cream. They get it right most of the time, too, which is miraculous.
            We can’t even eat the fries at McDonald’s, but he’s got nearly the full menu at Taco Bell available to him.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      All the blood rushing from your brain to your internals to process it. This too shall pass.

      • The Wanderer

        And it’ll be an adventure. I had a beef burrito at Taco Hell back in 1997. Couldn’t eat properly for three straight days, and I’ve never eaten there again.

        • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

          I take your post as sage advice and I’ll try to refrain from ever eating there again. (refer to my post below)

          It’s a shame there isn’t a Jersey Mikes nearby. The nearest one is 20 miles away. Their subs are great and surely less caustic.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          I had a BellBeefer (or WTF it’s called) years and years ago.

          It’s still inside me someplace.

          ETA: Please don’t ask me know I know this.

        • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

          Ya know what’s a goddamn shame? I briefly worked at a Taco
          Bell in 1975. It was all whole, fresh ingredients cooked on site. Well, the shells and tortillas came in ready to go, though we did fry up the shells throughout the day, but the hamburger, was real meat that we cooked in a giant pan. Dry beans, we cooked ’em in a giant pressure cooker then did the refrying part in more giant pans. We chopped onions, grated cheese, shredded lettuce. It was goddamn food I tell ya, unlike the stuff unfit for animals they now serve.

          • Non-Threatening Ron

            I have been known to indulge on it now and again, because it’s usually too much hassle to get proper Mexican around here when I’m not at home. But one day I happened to get hungry at Chicago Union Station and got m’self a taco there. BAD idea. It looked EXACTLY like dog food. Texture, consistency, density. Couldn’t eat the stuff for years afterwards, even Up Here where they at least use something that looks like meat.

    • Beautiful Soup

      Imagine how Trump feels constantly. That’s a morning snack for him.

      • Shan

        I wonder what his actual breakfast is.

        • Daniel

          Slurry. And two diet Cokes.

          • themidniteskulker

            Slurry? A whole bucket, you think?

          • Daniel

            A trough. The best trough.

    • SDGeoff3

      Alka Seltzer.

  • nightmoth
    • The Wanderer

      Mouth of Sauron’s a tough job.

      • James Smith

        Trump is nowhere up to Sauron’s ability

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          He hasn’t even reached ‘Wormtongue.’

  • The Wanderer

    I’m really surprised that the White House alarms haven’t broken down entirely, since most of the staff seem to be walking around in there with their pants on fire.

    • Bill D. Burger

      They’re becoming unhinged totally. Now, with the help of FUX and the Tea Potty Tealibangelical enablers in Congress, they are calling for a special council to investigate THE Special Council

      Oh .. it’s bizzarroworld on steroids there.

    • James Smith

      The batteries wore out the first day of the administration.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        And they still have not figured out how to remedy this situation.

        Rumor has it that Biden crazy-glued the battery compartments.

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    Now she’s gone and embroidered the Eye of Sauron on her clothing.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Blackest Noobs

      but yeah, no one respects women like the Donald does….CUZ HE’S DOING IT WRONG

    • phoenix00

      What are you talking about? These are COMPLIMENTS! See? I COMPLIMENT women with the bigliest respect!

  • Miles Monroe

    So, if a charactor witness testifies as to someone’s integrity or personality, does an eye witness attest to their visual acuity or color perception?

  • alpacapunchbowl

    I was about to say at least she’s not wearing a tablecloth again, but how many muppets had to die to decorate her blouse with their eyeballs all up and down the front?
    I would say she’s a monster, but Grover libelz.

  • rosenbomb

    I already know the answer, but does SHS care about eyewitnesses for Hillary and Bill’s extensive list of crimes??

    Also, fuck anyone who says you need an eyewitness for sexual assault.

    • chazmanr

      Isn’t it odd that most sexual assaulters commit their acts out of view of witnesses? I mean when I do something despicable, I always make sure that there are people who will be able to testify against me there to observe my shenanigans.

      • Anarchy Unicorn

        Back in my juvenile delinquent days of petty vandalism and breaking into cars even I knew that one of the cardinal rules of doing crime was to not do it in front of witnesses. It’s kind of one of the most basic rules of criminal activity.

      • The Wanderer

        It’s required for documentation.

      • Ill-Advised

        I think it’s pretty rude not to send invitations first. I mean, there’s usually a degree of planning and stalking involved. It’s not as the assailant couldn’t send out a tweet out a FaceBook wall message, amirite?

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      SHS has no concern whatsoever about facts, evidence, etc.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      The eyewitness thing to prove sexual assault/rape is straight out of Sharia law. We’re at the point culturally that I can’t tell if the christianists are too dumb and ignorant to know that, or if they do know and think it’s just swell- just as long as it’s for jeebus and not some non-white god.
      I tend to think it’s the latter for the powers that be, who bank on the ignorance of the plebes while they use the specter of Sharia law to rile up the base. Shameless fucks.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Unhuckable

    • phoenix00

      also unsuckable

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Miss Leah Bergdorf-Hunt is the best fake fashion designer name pretty much ever, although Niecea Truste-Funde is good too.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Huckabeast coming up in a few with P.M. presser. Fireworks will be seen.

    • The Wanderer

      Still at work. Won’t watch it.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      No fireworks, just a few damp squibs.

  • Anna Rompage

    Jesus fucking christ, our country has just become the longest, continuous running episode of Jerry Fucking Springer….

    • The Wanderer

      With no sign of Steve.

    • Boscoe

      Now I’m waiting for Trump to hit Tillerson over the head with a folding chair after finding out HE is Ivanka’s REAL dad…

      • Sakonyachen

        If he finds out Tillerson is her real dad, it will be time for another wife upgrade.

    • Mike Steele

      In our old neighborhood, we used to say “who needs Jerry Springer? Just open the front door and look across the street for an hour!”

  • Mavenmaven

    This matter would have been ten times more fun with Spicer as the spokesperson.

    • bbayliss

      Watching him squirm made me uncomfortable, I’ve only watched her in clips, coz I get sick to me tum.

    • Mike

      Alt-Spicey: The president winning the election is the same as a not guilty verdict…

    • JustDon’tSayProbably

      This matter would have been ten times more fun with Spicer Melissa McCarthy as the spokesperson.
      ftfy

  • JMP

    It turns out that Thatcher’s government, like the BBC at the time, Penn State sportsball and the Catholic Church for the past 2000 years or so had a bit of a problem with covering up for pedophiles within the the Conservative Party, but good job trying to discredit the legitimate seriously hideous wrongdoing by mixing fake hyperbolic stories about pedophile orgy parties that sound like something straight from the Protocols of the Elders of Fabulous. I remember when those stories first came out, too, and was skeptical at first because the ridiculous tales of pedophile orgies was mixed up with the real stories of normal abuse and treated as on the same level.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Upvoted for “Protocols of the Elders of Fabulous.”

  • Bitter Scribe

    Take Sarah Huckabee “Poot Lips” Sanders, who lies all damn day long and never gets any better at it

    Hey, her boss is absolutely terrible at it, and she knows better than to show him up.

  • Non-Threatening Ron

    Jesus God, they’re STILL trotting out Gilberthorpe as a character witness?

  • kareemachan

    “Poot lips”

    LOVE it!

  • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

    I made the mistake of reading my local news’ coverage of Trump’s tweet comment section. It was like every yokel statewide found their way to A Internet and hammered out a barely literate HAW HAW LIBTURDS response. The tweet made me sick. These people out in the rural areas and dying small towns who refuse to acknowlege reality make me sicker.

    Add in the fact that our po po just cuffed a little girl and threw her in a cop car for being black just makes me want to drink* 24/7.

    *more

  • sorbs

    JFC. When will Scarah Huckstery Slanders just STFU and go away? She almost makes me miss Spicey.

    • Duke

      Spicey was clearly rattled by the lies he had to repeat. Sarah is generally more cool about it. Just saying her lines. And making a poot-lips face.

    • Probably when El Presidente is impeached.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    As Trump has such an incredibly believable eyewitness to the meeting on the plane with the woman he says he has never met, I guess that must mean it’s been double-debunked!

  • Sakonyachen

    Why does Poot Lips look like her father doing a bad drag version of Mama Cass? Has anyone seen them together?

    It would be irresponsible not to blatantly make shit up!

  • conium

    Sarah Huckabee Sanders is harassing reporters and the public with her lip poots. The reason women aren’t usually known as this type of molester is because men usually do not complain even if the harassment becomes physical. However, it’s still not known if her intention is to harass men with her lip poots or perhaps other women?

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