Hello, America, are you tired of waiting to see if Alabama is going to elect an ACTUAL ACCUSED CHILD MOLESTER to the Senate, just to stick it to the liberals? Well, the special election is tomorrow (Tuesday), so the wait won’t be much longer. (According to Wonkette’s own Fakakta South, who is back from long ago and also from “Alabama,” we might just be surprised to see what Alabama does tomorrow!) In the interest of not having to write one million more posts about it, we figured we’d throw together a little bits ‘n’ pieces post about Alabama’s US Senate special election, and then say GO VOTE FOR DOUG JONES if you are in Alabama, and donate if you’re not. Or do both! (“Neither” is not an option.)
As to the state of the race, fuck if we know, so GO VOTE. A new Fox News poll says Doug Jones is winning by 10, but we question their math and their motivations on that one. Other polls show Roy Moore winning. This election is all about turn-out, so again, FUCK IF WE KNOW, so GO VOTE.
If Alabamians don’t vote for Doug Jones, America will have to heed the warnings of Wisconsin Rep. Gwen Moore (D-No Fucking Relation To The Kid Toucher), who is just saying if Roy Moore is elected, Congress needs to make sure to protect the kids (some of whom are 16!) in the Congressional page program from getting molested by Roy Moore. She spelled this out in a letter to the Senate’s sergeant-at-arms:
“Being away from home puts these young people in a very vulnerable position,” Moore writes in the letter. “The nature of life on Capitol Hill necessitates long hours in close proximity to lawmakers and staff that can create power dynamics of which young people are not fully aware.”
“It would be unconscionable for Congress to not be vigilant and proactive in taking precautions to safeguard these children given the well sourced allegations against Roy Moore,” she continues. […]
“I believe my fears are well founded,” Moore writes in her letter. “We have seen Members of Congress abuse the Congressional Page Program. … We need to be vigilant stewards of these children going forward.”
If you’re wondering if Rep. Moore mentioned former Rep. Mark Foley, toucher of pages, of course she did. We agree with her, and would suggest that, in the event of a Roy Moore victory, he be pre-emptively banned from ever even looking at a page, male or female. Moreover, the Capitol has daycare centers, so we’d strongly encourage Congress to pass legislation requiring Roy Moore to stay 100 feet from those if he wins. It just seems wise.
(To be completely fair to Roy Moore, we should note the campaign is distributing a list of talking points about how Bitches Be Lyin’ about how Roy Moore molested them when they were children. Its sources are … Breitbart and the Roy Moore campaign. Good try, guys!)
Alabama’s senior senator, very conservative Republican Richard Shelby, is giving his constituents permission to vote for Anybody But Roy Moore, telling CNN’s Jake Tapper on Sunday that he, himself, Richard Shelby, did not vote for Roy Moore, because Roy Moore is ugh:
Republican Alabama Sen. Richard Shelby on Roy Moore: “I think the women are believable, I have no reason not to believe them… There’s a lot of stories. There’s a lot of smoke. Gotta be some fire somewhere.” https://t.co/Qc9e5UrCEP
— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) December 10, 2017
I think the women are believable, I have no reason not to believe them, just like Attorney General [Jeff] Sessions said … There’s a lot of stories. There’s a lot of smoke. Gotta be some fire somewhere.
GOP AL Sen. Richard Shelby: “I couldn’t vote for Roy Moore, I didn’t vote for Roy Moore… so many accusations, so many cuts, so many drip, drip, drip. When it got to the 14-year old story, that was enough for me. I said, ‘I can’t vote for Roy Moore’.” https://t.co/WirsPtfziV
— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) December 10, 2017
I’d rather see the Republican win, but I’d hope that Republican could be a write-in. I couldn’t vote for Roy Moore, I didn’t vote for Roy Moore, but I wrote in a distinguished Republican name. … I think so many accusations, so many cuts, so many drip, drip, drip. When it got to the 14-year-old story, that was enough for me. I said, “I can’t vote for Roy Moore.”
You heard your senator, Alabama Republicans! Write in some rando!
By the by, Condoleezza Rice, a GOP daughter of Alabama, has issued a statement we think is basically an endorsement of Doug Jones, though it manages to do that without saying the words “Roy Moore” or “Doug Jones” or “you should vote for this one, not that one.”
In other Moore news, CNN found some Moore interviews from 2011, where he said America would be better if we just got rid of all the Constitutional amendments after #10. If you can’t remember your amendments, these are some of the things that Made America Bad Again, when they were put into the Constitution:
- 13th: Got rid of slavery.
- 14th: Due process, equal protection, AND SO ON.
- 15th: Allowed black folks to vote.
- 19th: Allowed women to vote.
- 24th: Got rid of poll taxes.
While we could give Moore the benefit of the doubt and say maybe he’s just really het up about the line of succession issues addressed by the 25th amendment, fuck that. Roy Moore is a racist, sexist bigot, and he yearns for the olden days, when the blacks and the womens were placed below the Roy Moores in society. (We don’t know exactly what Moore really thinks of slavery, but he doesn’t hate it!)
Also, here’s a video from a Guardian interview with Roy Moore originally released in August. In it, he embraces Vladimir Putin’s Russia, agreeing that America is the greatest purveyor of evil in the world, because we let homosexicans get married. Then he speaks fluent Russian, which is really weird since he doesn’t appear to speak fluent English.
— Crookita (@crookita) December 10, 2017
Finally, here’s a video of a 12-year-old girl interviewing Roy Moore, put out by a pro-Trump PAC. We don’t know if they were literally trolling themselves, or whether they just wanted to prove Roy Moore could be in the same room with a girl child without getting handsy.
And now we feel gross.
GO VOTE, ALABAMA. (For Doug Jones.)
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