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So hey y’all, what it do? It’s your girl, Fakakta South, ‘member me? The one from both Alabama and a long time ago? I’m the one who kept trying to tell y’all that we, the Dukes and Duchesses of Hazzard, weren’t exactly what you thought and to stop being so prejudiced about ignorant southern people? Well, you may have noticed lately that there’s been a guy in the news a lot who is the actual incarnation of every terrible thing about Alabama ever, and all decent people should in fact be prejudiced against him as much as you want. Yes, it’s Ol’ Roy Moore and the horse he literally rode in on, full of fear of Muslims and loathing for gays, all while leching after every gal who ever worked at a 1977 Contempo Casual at the Gadsden Mall. I worked real hard to be an ambassador for all of us who were born not an asshole in the Dirty Dirty South –- and I am here to tell you WE STILL EXIST.

So when our most exalted Editrix asked me “uh, so, what is going on down there???” I wanted so bad to tell her that it was all a fever dream brought on by our collective alcoholism of the last 325 days -– but for some reason the “liberal” media, and particularly CNN, have been blowing that theory up by having folks like Ohio resident and Roy Moore spokesperson Janet Porter on over and over again to dispute my word, without, if I may complain, having hardly any folks on to rep for Doug Jones. But then again, who wants to talk about stupid legislative policy like fair wages, clean water, decent education, hospital closings and health care, when there’s a lady willing to spit hellfire about how Mr. Jones is running specifically on the “murder all the full term babies for fun and profit” ticket? So I appreciate the chance to try and tell you fine people the truth as I see it “on the ground” as it were — and how it really does feel like Roy Moore will lose and Doug Jones will win and no one will be murdered on purpose.

Here’s what I know: The state is covered in Doug Jones signs. It has been that way since he became the Democratic party’s choice, when Big Luther Strange and Roy Moore were still fighting it out to be the GOP candidate. The yard signs proliferated wildly when we found out he was going up against the racist, sexist, homophobic, law-breaking, bigoted national embarrassment who even Alabama had already kicked out of a job twice before. When the rose wines, yearbooks, and tight white underwear stories came out, the whole state exploded, and people were freaked the fuck out — well, shocked but not surprised. Okay, honestly most of us had always thought that it was gonna be little boys, not girls, that Roy was secretly humping on, but this was still something.

I’ve lived in the Heart of Dixie all my life, and I have never seen support like Doug Jones has gotten for any candidate, in any race — much less a Democrat. Now “some people say” yeah, but that’s in the city. But guess what? Even in Alabama, that’s where most of the people are. Birmingham, Mobile, Huntsville: Those are our big three, and if you drive through those places, even the fancy, rich, typically country club parts, you would not be able to tell that there is another candidate besides Doug Jones on the ballot. Every single “educated, white, typically GOP voter” I personally know is voting for Doug Jones — even the assholes who voted for Trump just to be dicks. The GOP for Doug is a very popular movement and they have their own yard signs as well. But even in the back-woods, back-water, and back-asswards parts of the counties, there’s way more vocal, public support for crystal meth than there is for Roy Moore. And yet, the 24 hour cable people manage to find what we call a tornado-survivor-type representative (the ones with the worst accents, fewest teeth and most overalls or camouflage) to say that “Everybody here loves the Judge.” People are talking about it everywhere, but they are mostly saying Doug Jones has GOT to win, and also that he probably won’t. Everyone I ask says the same thing. “I am voting for Doug Jones, but I’m afraid Roy Moore will win.” The polls have been reported to go back and forth, but today one from FOX NEWS, BITCHES, has Doug Jones up by 10 points. Doug Jones voters are still worried though because this is Alabama and if there’s a wrong way to do something, everyone — even the good Alabamians — assumes we will do it that wrong way the hardest.

My 18-year-old kid has been canvassing for Jones in Tuscaloosa, and she says most of the people “hugged her neck, and told her they would show up for Doug,” but “two old women who were driving by asked us what we were doing. We told them, and one of them said ‘Well don’t come to our house, we’re Roy Moore all the way.'” My kid said she thought that was a shame since these chicks were really old, and Roy wouldn’t even want to go all the way with them anymore, but out loud she just said “Have a good weekend.”

The Doug Jones people, like my college kid, know what they are fighting for — and as bad as Roy Moore is, most Doug Jones supporters are concerned about not just keeping a (do I still have to say “alleged”?) child molester out of the Senate, they are aware of actual issues that affect the state and country. They know what kind of shit-shape this state is in, and they think it is high time that a Democrat had a chance to fix it. For the record, the biggest colleges in our state, both Auburn University and the University of Alabama, have endorsed Doug Jones and in a state where College Republicans have historically bred the likes of Jeff Sessions, we gotta give it up to these millennials and their new way of thinking.

The Roy Moore supporters, on the other hand, are a little riled up their ownselves. They are not excited to vote for Ol Roy because they think that screwing around with minors is good or bad. Those who say they will still vote for Moore believe that the stories are a lie at best and inconsequential at worst. His supporters do not believe what they heard about on Facebook, not since Fox News and Sean Hannity convinced them all to bust up their coffee machines. They also did not read the article, because they will not read something called the Washington Post and they do not believe the women. They do believe however that there is a cabal made up of the Post, the LGBTQ, and Mitch McConnell somehow, that is being financed by George Soros, and it has plotted to take a good and godly man down. They are looking at this like we look at a lot of things down here, like it’s a football game, and winning is what matters. More than anything else, it’s about beating a Democrat and pissing off the liberals. You can’t get a lot of these folks, including Roy Moore, to talk about actual policy or what a senator’s job even is, because they do not know or care, as long as it involves stopping Planned Parenthood from killin’ all them kids, and WINNIN’.

Case in point: my 67-year-old Mama sent me a text yesterday that said (verbatim, colloquialisms and all):

I just got in a dust-up at the Piggly Wiggly. I was walking in and a pretty young woman asked if I wanted her buggy. I said sure. Then, I don’t know why, but I said “Don’t forget to vote Tuesday.” She stopped dead in her tracks and said “ABSOLUTELY! DOUG JONES!” I said “Of course!” then some grey haired old biddy from out of nowhere yelled “NO WAY!!!” We just sorta laughed but the old woman kept on, “NO DEMOCRATS!” Then an old man chimed in “I was gonna write in, but hell this is too important. I’m going to vote Democrat for the first and I hope last time in my 73 years.” I coulda kissed him. The first lady and I high-fived and I went on in. RTR

Now, for those who don’t know, “RTR” means Roll Tide Roll and we say that at football games, and after the blessing, and I defy you to be ugly about my mama, but this goes to show you the level of what this has turned into for people here — old folks shouting at each another at the grocery store like pregaming drunks at a tailgate party on the quad … but it was 3 to 1 for the Democrat. It appears that there is a core group of Republicans who just hate Democrats, and worry constantly about all the precious unborn (blue eyed) babies, but how many of these identity politics voters really want to be identified in the long run as fine with being a pervert and are willing to go out and prove it with their vote? That’s a awful small hill to die on, and I’m pretty sure it’s fewer than y’all think. Everything around here feels different, and I understand if you don’t believe me, but I’m telling you — wait til tomorrow, I think we just might shock the world.

Are you a good Wonker who sends us money by Amazon? Well not anymore you’re not, because Amazon done fucked our payment system. Would you be so great as to re-sign with Paypal or Stripe? K we love you bye.

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  • jaspersdad

    It’s hard to think of two people less suited for elected office than Trump and Moore. Yet a highly-qualified Dem candidate lost to Trump and another is likely to lose to Moore. America is spiraling down the toilet with voters along for the ride.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It appears that there is a core group of Republicans who just hate Democrats

    And a lot of those are on their last legs, what with all that blue hair dye poisoning them.
    There are, however, too many traitor flag-waving hillbillies left out there.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Sadly, the war freaks never die off, leaving us alone.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        It’s up to you and me, brother/sister
        To try and try again

        • BreakingDeadMen

          We ain’t wasting time no more

  • Hiss

    This article is the most encouraging one I have read in a long time. Here’s hoping for Jones tomorrow!

  • Antonin Dvorak

    I have automatic donations set up on ActBlue for Mr. Jones. He is the first candidate outside my home state that I have done that for.

  • Arolpin

    From your lips to dogs ears I hope.

  • Lance Thrustwell
    • wide_stance_hubby

      Bounce rolls much easier, but can be difficult to control.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      It needs to be a very wide blunt.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Whoa. Harshout.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      You forgot to use toilet paper.

  • cmd resistor

    I love that Piggly Wiggly story. I am sure the 4 people I know in Alabama are not voting for Judge Roy. Maybe the die-hards are just the ones getting all the press.

  • Michael Smith

    Please don’t tease me.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      ♫ Like I don’t tease yoouu… ♫

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    The first time and the last time in my 73 years! lol. Now that was funny. the first time I ever went into a Piggly Wiggly and a Winn Dixie (same trip) was when I had to go to Alabama for my great aunt’s funeral — and it was Gadsden no less.

  • beatbort

    And, let’s not forget how this began. All this talk about how fascism has been recently loosed upon the land, etc., and yet never mentioned is the precipitating event: the Supreme Court case Bush v. Gore. It occurred 17 years ago, tomorrow. That was the slime at the top of the slippery slope that got this Dumbass Party started. Once the Supreme Court took the will of the people, and the popular vote, and tossed both in the toilet, the rest was inevitable. Makes the 8 years with Obama seem like a nice dream, or a miracle, doesn’t it?

    • cmd resistor

      Yeah, I’m still pretty amazed that happened. Thanks, Obama!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Really. 2008 McCain wasn’t that bad a candidate. Shows you that a running mate really can make a difference.

    • Pluto Animus

      The Supreme Court ordered the State of Florida to stop counting the votes in the Election for President.

      Let that sink in.

      Rehnquist, O’Connor, Scalia, Thomas, Kennedy: criminals all.

      • Seek

        And this was when my very last Ideal about the Great American Experiment perished. Literally, THE moment i gave up on this country.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    I’m assuming that a sizable group are going to vote Moore but are embarrassed to tell the pollsters.
    Yeah I’m a little cynical these days.

    • llamaspit

      I’m wondering if there are just as many who are going to vote for Jones, but are too embarrassed to say it in public or tell the pollsters?

      Still optimistic, despite all evidence to the contrary…

      • bupkus231

        That’s the thing – in Alablamma, I would think there would be more electors embarrassed to say they were going to vote for a Democrat than there would be those embarrassed to say they were going to vote for a baby fucking Republican…

        • Lascauxcaveman

          That’s a good (hopeful) way of looking at it. Thanks.

    • C4TWOMAN

      It’s the way to bet..that was the case with Trump and we know how that worked out.
      So encouraging news, but no laurel sitting, people!

  • Crystalclear12

    Thank you for the hope delivery.
    I was running real low.

    Good luck tomorrow!

  • TakingAmes

    Imma take your word for it, Miss Fakakta. And I’ll be cheering as loud as y’all if Jones wins. From the outside, all we hear about is Moore, but as they say, all politics is local, so I guess we’ll find out tomorrow night. (Dear God, please make it end tomorrow, so we don’t have to go through some gawdawful recount. Amen.)

  • Fartknocker

    I sincerely hope this is true. Because after reading this article last weekend, me thinks some people from Alabama would be happy if Mr. Jones helped these communities:
    http://www.al.com/news/index.ssf/2017/12/un_poverty_official_touring_al.html

    • willi0000000

      something’s amiss when the guy from the UN is appalled by our poverty . . . maybe we should think that infrastructure includes having clean water, proper sewage and trash handling, recycling, heating, power and communications installed/available cheaply in every habitable space/structure/home in the entire country . . . and universal health care for the residents!

      [ then maybe we could tell the rest of the world how to take care of their people with a straight face ]

      • Historicat

        We used to think that way or at least were heading in that direction. But then the Birchers, the Confederates, and the Randians managed to coalesce into the Gross Old Pervert party we have today.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Let’s hope so.

    One way to look at this is that this was one of the safest senate seats for the GOP. Until Moore’s kid touching there was no way in hell they were going to lose this. KKKeebler Elf won unopposed in 2014.

    To lose this one would be a catastrophe for the GOPers. Even having a Demrat with a chance to win is a catastrophe for them.

    • Rags

      Fuck moral victories. I wanna win!

  • James Baskin

    Hope you’re right girl. That dime store cowboy makes me want to wretch.

  • Juan de Fuca

    Fakakta South, I love your optimism. I’m still holding onto this gif that I posted on Wonkette years ago (it seems like 30) because I believed it served as the perfect metaphor when Trump announced his candidacy:

    https://media.giphy.com/media/JYEEdjzlsb280/giphy.gif

    Roll Tide!

    #Impeach

  • schmannity
    • GoutMachine

      Redundant.

  • Boojum

    YOU HAVE BEEN MISSED!!11!!!1!

    • Fakakta South

      Thank you doll, you’re real sweet.

      • Boojum

        We need another Atlanta Drinky Thing!

  • elviouslyqueer

    If Jones does manage to pull this off, all of us over here in Mississippi are going to say “Thank God for Alabama” and actually mean it this time.

    • Heather

      Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
      On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It Sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
      fv384d:
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    • Maybe

      Better start thinking about building that wall.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Is “buggy” what y’all call a shopping cart? That’s adorable.

    • Resistor Radio

      Isn’t it?

    • Boojum

      YES!!! WANNA MAKE SUMPIN OF IT?

      Sorry. My redneck roots jumped out of the page on you because Fakaktasouth is back!!

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      It’s also what they call the Microsoft Winders.

    • elviouslyqueer
      • arglebargle

        “Shee-yet”

      • grindstone

        Well there’s 30 minutes well spent.

        • BradtheBot

          Watched it three times, didja?

          • grindstone

            One time on slow, so I could keep up.

  • Resistor Radio

    Buggy is just the cutest other term for shopping cart. I’m sure errrryone knows this, but it was new to me before living in the South.

  • IdiotsforPalin
    • MynameisBlarney
    • aureolaborealis

      This is not an ‘either/or’ proposition.

    • Swampay

      I’d upfist this but I’d hate myself for it.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Oh dear. I loled. I am a horrible, terrible person :(

  • Karen Shocket

    Looks like the south isn’t so farkakt anymore. Or trying not to be? One dares to hope.

  • calliecallie

    Thank you so much, FS, for these words of encouragement. I sincerely hope you are right. Hoping also, too, that Putin doesn’t do anything to tip the scales, now that he knows Roy Moore speaks Russian.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef
  • OrdinaryJoe

    From your keyboard to god’s monitor.

  • shivaskeeper

    I hope you are right.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Howdy Fakakta,

    I hail from the South too.
    Nawth Cackalacka.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I’m in Lower Alabammy, but can’t vote in this election since it’s one state over.

      • BradtheBot

        We called it Baja Alabama when I lived there….

  • dslindc

    I hope this is the way things will turn out tomorrow. I will even thrown in a Roll Tide for good measure.

    • cmd resistor

      If that’s what it takes, I will, too.

  • FukuiSanYesOta

    Yay! Fakakta! Good to see you again!

    • Fakakta South

      Hi Honey! Happy to be seen.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    So many questions about CNN now. Are they trying to push a “horse race” narrative? Are they afraid of not being “fair and balanced”? Does Wolf Blitzer have money riding on it?

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
    • Notreelyhelping

      He was dropped on his head as a child, wasn’t he? Poor bastard.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Dropped on his head.
        Repeatedly and with vigor.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          They had one job to do. . .

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        The correct suthren expression is “Bless his heart!”

      • Christopher Story

        More like thrown at a wall

    • Latverian Diplomat

      If you have to label everything, then symbolism fail!

      • Oblios_Cap

        No crosses on his boots? That can’t be Moore.
        Who publishes this drivel?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Well, his target audience is pretty fuckin stupid.

        • redarmyzombie

          Putting it mildly…

    • Oblios_Cap

      He certainly sees ugly people as heroic and good people as childish.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      People who lie in political cartoons should be FIRED!

      • bupkus231

        I think he was, long ago. All these political cartoons of his are published on his own website….

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Then we should stop re-publishing them in public forums. He should be consigned to the eighth circle of internet hell.

    • Christopher Story

      Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Ya know, Ben, a picture is worth a thousand words, but you don’t need to list them inside the picture.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Well, how it’s is The Base gonna get the point?

        • wide_stance_hubby

          I would never have guessed words were involved.

    • elviouslyqueer
    • Lance Thrustwell

      What the HELL is wrong with that guy?

      I mean, seriously. No one needs to go Nazifying his stuff to make him look like a complete and utter credulous asshole.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      “Rule of Law”? How’s that working for you, twice-chastened former judge?

    • Christopher Story

      If only he had somehow managed to sneak Hillary with a chunk of uranium sneaking around in the background.

    • Oblios_Cap
    • Juan de Fuca

      I like how he drew Moore wearing a large six-shooter when the only time he’s been seen with a gun is that one time he pulled out his pocket shooter.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/74c6df04f4a2a87bd7279362d60822abc2f1a482996dcf9c185bbd1ba6635c6c.jpg

      As they say in Texas “All hat, no cattle.”

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        As they say in England “All twat, no cattle”

        • Juan de Fuca

          I think he was trying to show us how big his dick is. But I ain’t judging.

      • Anna Rompage

        That’s all you need to intimidate a teen age girl into not tattling on your evil & wicked ways…

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Is that a Tot 50 stapler or is he 12 feet tall?

      • GoutMachine

        Small enough to fit in his purse!

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Garrison missed the chance to put George Soros on the other end of the Deep State arm.

      • cmd resistor

        There is always an implied Soros.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      “Rule of Law”? Anyone wanna talk about why Moore got tossed off the bench TWICE?

      • shivaskeeper

        Also disbarred this around.

    • redarmyzombie

      He forgot to draw him molesting a 4 year old..

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Is that supposed to be Roy Moore? Looks like Lawrence Welk after a Big Mac bender.

    • shivaskeeper

      Always with the crazy. Always. Also, too none of the real cowboys I know put their boots over their pants. None of them. Just saying.

      • Juan de Fuca

        I just noticed that. Kinda reminds me of people wearing those Ugg’s boots here in Southern California. When it’s 100 degrees out.

        • shivaskeeper

          Its his dime store cowboy, weekend dude ranch look.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        But there’s no evil, big-nosed Jews in the cartoon this time. Progress?

        • shivaskeeper

          Implied?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Well, the gay cowboys at the gay cowboy bars wore the boot tops over the jeans back the gay old 1980s because they were totally gay gays looking other gay cowboys or gay twinks to do gay sex with.

    • bupkus231

      I was gonna ask how deranged is this asshole, but then I realized that he clearly knows every fuckin’ “hot button” to push – so, it’s clear he’s not deranged, but calculatingly hateful.

      Face it – if it wasn’t for playing partisan politics, Garrison would be drawing evil caricature cartoons of Mohammed and other hate speech ( he’s already drawn “dog whistle” anti-Semitic cartoons – wouldn’t doubt he cut his teeth on drawing minstrel Amos&Andy cartoons )

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      That cartoon isn’t even clever. It’s just dumb.

      • aureolaborealis

        That’s what ‘Ben Garrison’ means.

        • IdRatherBeDancing

          I’ve never heard of him. lol

          • Non-Threatening Ron

            I envy your ignorance. The guy’s drunk so much of the Kool-aid he pisses raspberry.

    • Garrison used to be a Ron Paul libertarian. When did he decide he was a theocrat?

  • weejee

    Hi Fakakta. Welcome back to the Wonkateria.

  • Msgr_MΩment
    • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

      Thank you Mr. Jackpots!

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    I hope you are right, Fakakta. Jones seems like a really great guy, and I think he’d do Alabama proud. Plus, he’s not a child molester or unfit for any number of other reasons, so that’s nice.

  • Penthesilea110

    Wait, what, universities are allowed to endorse candidates in Alabama?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Wait. There are universities in Alabama?

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Ha ha…I just said the same thing, even though I know Alabama has universities, but only so they can have a college football team.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Make
          All
          Great minds think
          Alike!

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Wait…Alabama HAS universities? Are they bibble colleges?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Well, football is God around these here parts.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Actually, Wallace opened a lot of community colleges.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Yep. One on this side of the tracks for us folks; one over there for the th’ nigras.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    If Jones wins tomorrow, I’m playing the Drive-By Truckers
    If Moore, Neil Young rules the day

  • WIDTAP

    I am happy to hear that there is sizable Doug Jone support….but….

    – Democrats have had to build a GOTV program from the ground up for this election. They did not have the same program in place until after Strange lost the primaries.

    – Alabama is notorious for its voter suppression tactics. Hope everyone has a DL or state ID at hand.

    – Is the great middle of Alabama ready to turn out for Jones? Or just the suburbs? Yes, the business owner class can see that Moore will kill opportunity for the state. What about everywhere else?

    – It all comes down to GOTV. Turnout, turnout, turnout. Like the recent Virginia election, the women will determine the victor in this race. The majority of GOP women still favor Moore. That is not good news.

    It’s going to be a tough two days. Don’t let up on the gas. Good luck!

    • BreakingDeadMen

      The good news is that groundwork is now laid for the future even if this comes up short.

    • Blackest Noobs

      i’m like Go TV!!!…what the fuck is that…then i was like ooooooooooh get out to vote.

      yeah voter turn out could easily decide this one. but are people in one of the poorest as fuck state willing to vote in their best interest?

      eh, probably not…but here’s to wishful thinking!

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    The only thing missing from CNN’s coverage of the race is Hillary’s emails.

    • jesterpunk

      Has Cillizza demanded Hillary apologize for making good ol Roy Moore molest those kids?

      • wide_stance_hubby

        She threw them into his pants!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        She forced him to work in the Pizza basement dungeon!

  • Notreelyhelping

    I’m just hoping that those Alabamans who could never vote for a Democrat opt to stay home because they have too much pride to vote for the Kiddie Hustler.

  • Penthesilea110

    Who’s counting the votes in Alabama?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Hopefully somebody with all their fingers and toes.

      • bupkus231

        …and all their marbles.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Or, the normal amount of said appendages.

      • schmannity

        Elitist!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Someone’s cousin-sister who can do more numbers than anyone can remember.

    • eggs ackly-wright

      And what kind of machines do they use? No paper trail?

      • TimResistit

        Pull-start ones, I am betting.

    • TimResistit

      Someone who’s good at ‘gozindas’, probably/hopefully?

  • Blackest Noobs

    i don’t buy it. sounds a bit too much of positive anecdotal-ism to me.
    color me fucking surprised as fucking shit if Jones wins.

  • C4TWOMAN

    Welp great to know most of Alabama appears sane.
    Suppose there’s not much else the GOP can do …. except ask for help from their Russian friends.
    Then gerrymander the bejeebus out of the state when they can….

    • Skeptical_thinker

      Then gerrymander the bejeebus out of the state when they can….

      Too late. They have already done that.

      • C4TWOMAN

        A friend of mine said they can’t gerrymander a whole state. I dunno enough about how that works, but it does seem in this case if the whole state is revolting against Moore, he’s fucked

  • WotsAllThisThen

    From your keyboard to God’s browser tab.

  • schmannity

    If Jones wins tomorrow, which conspiracy theory will explain it, or will it be the massive JOO vote in Alabama?

    • Antonin Dvorak

      It will a massive conspiracy run by Bernie Bernstein.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I blame HAARP signals bounced off chemtrails made with fluoridated water.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        And sexually ambiguous amphibians.

        • Christopher Story

          And shape shifting Illuminati lizard people posing as Real Americans (TM) to cast illegal votes.

        • BearDeLaOursistance

          SOYFROGS?!?

      • schmannity

        Gotta call bullshit. Everyone knows chemtrails are made of vaccines and Planned Parenthood fetal parts.

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        HAARP vs. AARP?

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I’ll take “Jewish global banking conspiracy theory” for $200, please, Alex.

      • schmannity

        “Jewish global banking conspiracy theory”

        Or, in GOP shorthand, Soros.

    • SweetDeeKat

      All 3 of the Alabama Joos?

      • schmannity

        Jones carries 2 out of 3 Alabama Jewish voters! Foul play suspected!

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Four, I think. Lewis Black said he was going to open :Jewy Jew’s Gun Shop” in rural Alabama.

  • bupkus231

    “I worked real hard to be an ambassador for all of us who were born not an asshole in the Dirty Dirty South –- and I am here to tell you WE STILL EXIST.”

    Yes, FS, we know – but the real issue is if there’s enough of you to overcome the overwhelming tide ( no pun intended ) of hateful derp that is there.

    I do agree with you, however – the national media really has not had a lot of Doig Jones campaign coverage. About the only thing I can recall hearing is that the Jones campaign has been a real money machine, bringing in five or six or seven times the amount of donations than the Moore campaign ( yet, the media sure covered the RBC reversing course and deciding to donate to the Moore campaign – what was it, $100k? ).

    All I can say is that you’d better not be raising false hopes here, FS. Maybe this could be the reverse of the Presidential election, where the asshole won despite everyone thinking the nice woman would ( i.e., the nice guy wins despite everyone figuring the asshole will ) – but I ain’t counting on it!

  • Daniel

    There isn’t an electoral college for senators, right?

    • jesterpunk

      Nope only for POTUS.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      There isn’t even an electoral charm school for Senators.

      • Christopher Story

        Moore would have flunked and used his “F” to villify PC culture.

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      There’s only an Electoral University of Phoenix.

  • Christopher Story

    I love the shot of optimism, but, frankly it’s the electoral fuckery that has me cynical.

    • Blackest Noobs

      and not just that cuz, uh, Alabama.

  • schmannity

    If Moore wins tomorrow, will Howell Heflin switch parties again?

    • Fakakta South

      Killer historical reference. Maybe Dick Shelby will swap again too…

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    I thought Mark Sanford’s political career was toast after he had an adulterous affair (he was a “family values” guy), and was caught stealing money from taxpayers (he’d use the state jet to fly home to get a $10 haircut, because he was “fiscally conservative”), yet he left the governor’s mansion and went straight into Congress, so I’ll be shocked if Roy Moore loses.

    • jesterpunk

      He just went on a walk on the Appalachian trail all the way down to Argentina.

      • therblig

        her tierra del fuegos
        are nearly always froze
        they gotta see-saw
        until they unthaw
        those popsicle toes

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Didn’t Sanford say he was a little bit sorry for some of that?

      Roy Moore remains defiantly unapologetic.

      That might make a difference to some Christianists?

      • SweetDeeKat

        Nope. He’s unapologetic cuz them bitches be liars.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        In South Carolina you could put a chimpanzee in a tiny business suit, slap an “R” after his name, and he’d get elected. These rubes have been brainwashed for so long that they believe Demoncrats are all in cahoots with SATAN.

    • TimResistit

      I liked his policy on Aunt Esther, myself.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    I hope you’re right and Jones will win. Everyone deserves a break from rightwing loonies once in a while. Yes, even people from Alabama.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Maybe finding out what it’s like will encourage them to try it some more.

      • Historicat

        You beautiful dreamer, you.

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    I read that the other AL Senator, Richard Shelby, said he won’t vote for Moore. And Shelby has never been too particular about who he works with:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5b9d291815bdccade906a495ce168c7de9c145e6271adb3bf951bd30ca1bb468.jpg

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Yeah, he says he wrote in someone else, but didn’t say whom.

      Here’s hoping other Alabama Republicans who can’t bring themselves to do the right thing at least throw their votes away in a similar fashion.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        My republican mother did a write in vote, because she just couldn’t vote for Trump. I said “great, you helped elect Trump, you must be so proud.”

      • WIDTAP

        I understand that there is a push to write in Alabama head coach Nick Saban.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          He probably wouldn’t accept the pay cut?

          • WIDTAP

            Probably not, but I think it is a genius move to pull votes with the crowd who isn’t going to think too hard about the election.

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          I’m an LSU Alum. I wouldn’t poop on Nick Saban. Even if he ask me to.

          • WIDTAP

            You are confusing Alabama with Cleveland.

  • Courser_Resistance

    Yes! Please Alabama, SHOCK THE WORLD!!! We would all love that, and furthermore, the message it sends to the AnalCysts in Congress, plus the Dem vote? Please Alabama, it’s ALL I want for Christmas

  • ExecutorElassus

    please don’t give me any false hope. Every bit of news today has just been so depressing (North Atlantic Right Whales maybe going extinct, that kid in TN getting bullied, that kid’s mom turning out to maybe be super-racist and grifty, etc etc), I really don’t want to go through another crushing disappointment of watching racist assholes win again and then sneeringly rub it in our faces as they gleefully take another giant shit over everything we care about.
    FUCK I’m so tired, y’all.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I didn’t realize the bullied kid’s mom was a hateful piece of white trash. That IS depressing.

      PSSST…don’t watch the Daniel Shaver tape. You’ll completely give up on humanity, as I did yesterday.

    • Marceline

      ” that kid in TN getting bullied, that kid’s mom turning out to maybe be super-racist and grifty, etc etc”

      This is why folks need to stop jumping on every feel good story especially when it’s a parent pimping out their kid.

    • TimResistit

      Did you not celebrate Virginia’s multiple victories with us? Not all is going the republcians’s way. Not by a long shot.

      • ExecutorElassus

        I did! And I really want to believe that That Asshole’s presidential career ends even before the midterms (which, again, seems overly optimistic for the present Congress), and I really like to think there’s going to be a massive wave in 2018, and then he definitely will be impeached. But waiting that long seems unbearable. I’ve aged so much this last year. It’s wearing on me. And seeing these kinds of vindictive bigots vindicated is so draining.

        • Antonin Dvorak

          Democrats have been quietly kicking ass on the local level. We have won 42 state lege seats, of which, 20 have been flipped.

  • jesterpunk

    I would love it if Jones won tomorrow just because it would be another candidate Trump endorsed that lost. Hopefully its not even close, like 20% or more just to show people really hate Trump.

    • Blackest Noobs

      it would be a huge stain on Trump if Moore lost this one because it’s Alabama.
      and if Alabamaians are having voters’ remorse, i can only imagine the downfall in lesser red more pinkish states.

      • Blackest Noobs

        like im really hoping that shit stain Moore loses, and loses badly, not even fucking close, because it would mean even peeps in Alabama are opening their fucking eyes.

        but i doubt it because it’s Alabama.

      • jesterpunk

        Trump supported Strange and said he didnt even know who “Ray Moore” was during the primaries and said that was bad for Moore.

        • Maybe

          If Moore loses then Trump will go back to that.

          Moore who? What’s Alabama?

      • Maybe

        Besides, Trump would blow a gasket. Of course that’s only funny up until he nukes Korea.

        Or the NFL.

        • Blackest Noobs

          i honestly say he is too fucking chicken shit to do so. given his history of being a fucking coward.

          Lil Kim likes to rattle the sword but i have doubts he would go the full nuclear unless we attacked them.

          • Maybe

            I hope you’re right, but it is scary that Trump always seem to believe that the consequences of his actions will never hurt him.

            I worry that he may need to distract us from the Russian investigation.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Trump will have his revenge by Roy Moore the director of the Huntington Space Center, charged with bringing Christianity to the Mooninites.

      • redarmyzombie

        May we hope it goes something like this?

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBZ-wDRudsg

      • Blanche de Shambles

        “Look, Earthling- I am making the sign of the cross at you.”
        https://orig00.deviantart.net/2041/f/2009/012/e/2/the_mooninites_by_batman316.jpg

        • (((Aron)))

          Just so long as I get a Foreigner belt, I don’t give a damn who wins the election or becomes administrator at Huntsville.

        • King Beauregard

          Oh great, now Martha Coakley is probably going to shut this site down.

          (Yes, THAT Martha Coakley. Same person lost to Scott Brown and freaked out over ATHF light-up signs in Boston because they had wires and batteries.)

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      That will maybe make the rest of the GOP sit up and take notice, and see that the vast majority of Americans are not on board the Trump CrazyTown to NoWhereville. Maybe they’ll go back to pretending they care about the middle class.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      I would love another Hanukkah miracle.

    • Maybe

      I feel the same. (Sadly, though, people in Alabama love Trump.)

      But a Moore win has a silver lining. There’s been much talk about Moore’s sleazy past, but little speculation about his sleazy future.

      He is going to continue to do and say outrageous things and the press will be there waiting like sharks for chum. Winning will probably boost his ego, so he could get even worse. (I know we keep thinking Trump can’t sink any lower, but he proves us wrong every time. Moore will too.)

      There’s no guarantee Moore will vote the way they want. He hates McConnell and the establishment and would love blowing up anything they want to do. That could include the tax bill if he gets a chance. Defiance and chaos and attracting attention are part of his makeup.

      The Dems will make Moore and Trump the face of the Repub party. And 2018 is an election year. We can hope.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    I can’t wait until Roe V. Wade is overturned, and Republicans find out that 80% of the beautiful babies they saved are minorities, and a lot of them will be abandoned, and someone has to pay for them. Sorry, grandma, not only are we cutting your SS to pay for Trump’s tax cuts, but now you’re not getting Medicare, because we’ve got all those beautiful babies you wanted to save that need food and housing. I guess you didn’t really think the whole “babies need food, housing, health care, etc…” thing through too well.

    • OutOfOrbit

      may I ask: who sez 80% are minorities?

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        It’s actually a pretty well established fact. There are black preachers who’ve made their bones on the “black genocide” movement. They lie and say that PParenthood wants to kill black babies, but it really has to do more with the fact that poor women (black and hispanic women both have far higher rates of abortion than white women because they have more unintended pregnancies). There was a Midwestern city that experimented with giving poor women birth control for free, and surprisingly, the number of abortions went down. A lot of unwanted pregnancies come about because of a lack of birth control. This information is a decade old, but shows you the overall trends:

        https://www.guttmacher.org/gpr/2008/08/abortion-and-women-color-bigger-picture

        • sarafina

          In the last few years Colorado gave poor women contraceptive implants, and abortion rates fell. Then the Rs got in and that trend was reversed.

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            I don’t think Republicans really want to get rid of Roe v. Wade, since it’s one of their most reliable fundraising hot button issues. It amuses me that most of their dipshit voters think all the beautiful babbies are going to be little pink cheeked, white cherubs that are all going to get adopted into loving homes. We’ve already got a surplus of unwanted children, forcing a million more into existence each year is going to be a nightmare, especially since Republicans are going to make sure the whole country is dead broke by the time Trump leaves office. I went to NRO one time and asked the conservatives what their plan on paying for all the babbies was. Naturally, they had no cogent answer.

    • Courser_Resistance

      They don’t care about ‘the babbies’ and they never have. It’s all about controlling women and nothing else. They haven’t even reauthorized CHIP.

    • TakingAmes

      Who said they’d pay for the babbies? They’ll leave them to die of exposure.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Republicans have passed laws that allow mothers to drop off their unwanted infants at hospitals or police stations, so the mothers won’t murder an unwanted child, so there is going to be an assload of babies being left on doorsteps. In my state it’s called “Daniel’s Law.”

        Someone dropped a baby off today at a hospital in my city.

        • TakingAmes

          Sure, and we have that here too, but who pays for those abandoned babies? It’s the taxpayer, and we all know how Republicans feel about using the taxpayers’ money to benefit anyone who had the poor judgment to be born poor or middle class.

    • kilgoretrout

      That’s when the concentration camp policy will come out of the American Enterprise Institute.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Heritage Foundation will come out with a plan to let them work at FoxConn for hugs and a milk ration. Their tiny hands will be wonderful for making big screen TVs.

    • Juan de Fuca

      Exactly. Just from a pragmatic viewpoint, I support abortion. Besides the whole obvious ethical thing of allowing women their own reproductive decisions, this entire planet is becoming over populated – we have too many people who can’t support themselves for a wide range of different reasons, not least of which is people who can’t afford to raise children, having children.

      If a woman is honest enough with herself to say ahead of time “I can’t afford this, I can’t do this”, let her make the decision and stand by her for doing so.

      To me, that’s personal responsibility. Because I’m sure it’s not an easy decision to make. But at least make that decision her own.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        It is a difficult decision, and women do know what’s best for them. Trying to force people who don’t want a child, to have a child is extremely stupid and shortsighted. A lot of the children who don’t get put up for adoption will end up in a home where they aren’t wanted, and they are a financial burden. That’s not going to end well for the child, or for society.

        I find it laughable that all these people claim that their religion says that abortion is murder, since there’s nothing in the Bible about abortion. They have zero interest in these kids after they’re born, in fact, they’ll be the first people out with picket signs trying to make sure they starve to death.

  • cmd resistor

    So Condoleezza Rice said this:
    “This week’s special election will be one of the most significant in Alabama’s history. As a native daughter, I remain – at heart – an Alabaman who loves our state and its devotion to faith, family, and country,” Rice stated.
    The statement continued:
    “I encourage you to take a stand for our core principles and for what is right. These critical times require us to come together to reject bigotry, sexism, and intolerance.
    “It is imperative for Americans to remain focused on our priorities and not give way to side shows and antics. I know that Alabamans need an independent voice in Washington. But we must also insist that our representatives are dignified, decent, and respectful of the values we hold dear.
    “Please exercise your right to vote – a privilege won by the sacrifices of our ancestors. Sustain the central ideals and values that make our country a beacon for freedom and justice for the sake of Alabama and for the good of the United States of America.”

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Sounds like she wants to have her cake and Edith, too.

    • OutOfOrbit

      woopty woo

    • redarmyzombie

      Notice how she never says any fucking names.

    • WIDTAP

      In other words, an endorsement of Roy Moore by hitting all of the “traditional Alabama Values” rhetoric that he has been pushing.

      • cmd resistor

        I can’t imagine her endorsing him (not because she is some radical lib or anything but not a total complete asshole) but would have been nice if she’d come out and said for sure. But the dignified and decent words sound more anti-Moore than anti-Jones.

        • WIDTAP

          Well, I didn’t expect her to say “we can’t trust anyone who would let the Muslim terrorist stay in America and will personally abort unborn babies in the 9th month”.

        • theCryptofishist

          Fuck, she knew some of those girls killed in the church bombing. Seriously, she should be all over Doug Jones.
          I really do not like that woman.

    • TakingAmes

      Sooooo… no endorsement? Coward.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      She could have made the same statement before the 2016 election. OH WAIT! SHE DID!

      https://www.politico.com/story/2016/10/condi-rice-donald-trump-229385

    • (((Aron)))

      Condi Rice is many things. Stupid and ineloquent are not among them.

  • arglebargle

    Yeah, well, about 18 months ago I was repeatedly told there ain’t no way that Trump dick head could win the general. So I’m gonna wait to celebrate.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      That was before James Comey decided to conceal the Trump Treason investigation. And Hillary still won the popular vote.

      • TimResistit

        Exactly. That is the reason and the moment it all fell away form her according to Nate Silver and the polls show it.

        • Marceline

          It still amazes me how many people gave a shit about those emails. I sure didn’t but I’m a corporatist neoliberal shill who was led astray by her plan to create a funding pool for black women entrepreneurs and her comprehensive mental health care plan.

          • Rebel Scum with permit

            Because the MSM flogged those emails incessantly.

          • Lord Jim

            And what does any of that establishment, identity-politics, social-policy bullshit have to do with our universal-ponies-and-chicken-in-every-pot POLITICAL REVOLUTION?! Next you’ll be telling me Black Lives matter…

          • Marceline

            I have it on good authority that the only black lives that matter are Nina Turner, Killer Mike and Cornel West.

          • Lord Jim

            Cornel West…what is wrong with that man?

          • I was seriously told by some Steiniac, or Bernie-bro, or just left-wing Trumpist, I couldn’t tell, that Democrats “loved black and queer poor people but white workers are shit out of luck”. That is of course the programme of fascism.

          • Lord Jim

            But, of course. *eyeroll*

          • grindstone

            I had a vet coworker tell me in all seriousness that if he had done what she did with that private email server, he would have been *court martialed*. Nothing I could say could convince him this was likely not criminal and hella common in government. It was insane.

  • TimResistit

    I want to believe… I really do…..and the news this past week makes me even more hopeful …yet I be SCEERED!

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Well, I get a-sceered too. And then I remember election night in Virginia when Danica Roem kicked Robert Marshall’s bigoty ass!!!

  • Manhattan123

    The only people more nervous about the election results than Democrats are the Senate’s teenage pages.

    • King Beauregard

      Q: Why doesn’t Roy Moore use bookmarks?

      A: Because he likes his pages bent over.

      Thank you, thank you! Joke recycled from the early 80s when there was another Congress / page-fucking scandal.

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        Why does Roy Moore like twenty nine year olds?
        Because there’s twenty of them.

  • Flashman

    Good Lord, this may all come down to, who looks most like The Crimson Tide.

    • Anna Rompage

      Crimson tide? Sounds like people bleeding out of their whatevers….

      • The Wanderer

        That was my first reaction when I first heard of Alabama’s football team.

      • Daniel

        Cher uses it to mean that in Clueless.

      • Raan

        1.) Matt from the Best Friends Zaibatsu has on occasion dubbed it the “crimson apocalypse”.

        2.) I can only assume it’s related to the algae bloom that used to show up every couple of years to kill a bunch of fish in the Gulf.

    • Tishalicious

      My high school’s mascot is the Crimson Tide. Of course, its name is Glencoe, so there is not a great deal of ambiguity about what it means ^_^

  • therblig

    i guessed “Ready To Rumble”. fingers crossed and money sent.

  • kilgoretrout

    Please let it be.

    LGM

    Let’s Go Mets

  • TheStrayGoose

    I’d be wary of that Fox “poll”. I would not be surprised if they made up those numbers because they think that it would motivate the toofless bohunks to show up and vote.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Valerie Solanas waits with a gleam in her eye…

  • Miles Monroe

    “… most of us had always thought that it was gonna be little boys, not girls, that Roy was secretly humping on …”

    It would have been irresponsible not to speculate!

  • NastyBossetti

    I’m going to take your word for it, because you’re there, and I’m not, and it will help me sleep at night.

  • Scrofula

    Seems like a lot ratfuckery behind Moore though. I mean, even more than usual for the GOP. That stuff always makes me nervous.

    • jesterpunk

      Bannon supports Roy Moore.

      • Raan

        It and Nazis being okay people is basically all he and Trump have been able to agree on since the election.

      • theCryptofishist

        Well, that should take care of the alt-leprosy vote.

        • tinker12

          Some pundit said Steve Bannon looks like he tried to cure skin cancer with whiskey.

          • theCryptofishist

            Fake News!

  • Marceline

    I want you to be right but my faith in my fellow Americans died on 11/9/2016.

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      Oh mine died long before that, with like almost every season of The Voice when the public starts getting to vote.

    • greyXstar

      No reason for that. Don’t forget that he lost the popular vote by more than 3 million.

  • TootsStansbury

    Wonderful to hear from you FS and I hope you’re right!

  • canes_pugnaces

    It’s nice that there are real humans instead of just animated gobs of decomposing confederate anus cheese down there. Really I am. But if history be our guide, the nostalgia for slavery and 14yo girls are hot crew are gonna come out and vote in droves. Cause for some reason Dems just don’t vote like they used to.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      As I said downthread, but Dems have won 42 state lege seats and nearly half of those were previously GOP-held. I think there is some new pep in the dems’ step.

      • canes_pugnaces

        God, I hope you’re right.

      • IdRatherBeDancing

        One in Virginia by a — gasp — transgendered woman!

  • Raan

    Wow, a shitty old woman being against the guy who prosecuted the Klan convinced a guy to vote for him.

    Like, I’m not being sarcastic, I was not expecting that ending to that story.

  • Non-Threatening Ron

    Nothing really to say here except, I hope like HELL you’re right, Ms FS.

  • Metadude

    I hope so, sweetie! I am a Tarheel but, for once, RTR!

  • Werewolf

    Hey, Fakakta! Ain’t seen you in a coon’s age! How you been?

    • Fakakta South

      I have been alright darlin, been in grad school and learning I do not want to teach college kids English. As for how I’m gonna be….I will tell you tomorrow!!!

  • nightmoth

    Most excellent reporting, Alabama girl! Fingers crossed that you’re right.

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    Since everyone is Roll Tiding here — why are the Auburn Tigers being left out? Just askin.

    • Nounverb911

      The football gods are haunted by the ghost of Bear Bryant?

      Go Tigers!
      (Clemson’s not Auburns)

  • Frenchie Renard

    All I want for Hanukkah is a Doug Jones win!

  • Machnethylsteinerbincolabird

    They call Alabama the Crimson tide… Call me Deacon BLUES…

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      oh good song

  • mancityRed6

    “stop being so prejudiced about ignorant southern people”
    come to Kansas, I’ll make you a few cups of Lion coffee.
    KU bball for the win, but roll tide for football.

    • Fakakta South

      I kid you not, I have a Kansas Jayhawks sweatshirt, and I have ALWAYS pulled for them ever since I was a little girl – my mama says it’s cause I thought the swirly script was pretty and Alabama’s basketball team never makes the damn playoffs, so I needed a team. Roy Williams BROKE MY HEART. Rock Chalk Jayhawk, Baby!

      • mancityRed6

        I might share a last name but Roy can kiss my business.
        Self might have made his name at a religious school but he knows the deal.
        Rock chalk! Roll tide! bring it!

  • tinker12

    IMPORTANT! I heard on the Thom Hartmann show this morning that if you’re voting in Alabama tomorrow you can EITHER vote for Doug Jones OR chose to vote straight Democratic ticket. You CAN’T DO BOTH or your vote will be invalidated.

    It’s obviously a stupid POS law designed to hurt the Dems. Go kick some racist ass tomorrow, Alabama!

    • Carpe Vagenda

      This sounds improbable.

      • tinker12

        Just reporting was Thom Hartmann said. It’s Alabama; anything is possible.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Well, perhaps before you spread information which seems designed to cause trouble for Democratic voters, it might be worth confirming.

          • tinker12

            I am trying to prevent trouble. Thom Hartmann is on our side. People should just be AWARE enough to ask the question and not automatically fill in both places even though that’s what it looks like you’re supposed to do.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Well nobody ever claimed that Roy Moore and Putin were stupid. Just evil.

        • Looking at that ballot, it seems as if it just makes it easier to vote a whole ticket with one bubble. It looks weird because there’s only one race on this one.

    • yyyaz

      WTAF? How?

    • greyXstar

      That can’t be legal

  • Tovarish Z

    Fakakta, I have not read your writing before. I both enjoyed it, and your pen name.

  • Edith Prickly

    Keeping my fingers crossed for y’all!

  • Happy to read this. Thank you!

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Well, if a trans lady in Virginia can kick a bigot out of office, I’m sure Doug Jones can hand Roy his ass.

  • Spurning Beer

    I spent my high school years in Montgomery during the time public schools were desegregated. I graduated from Jefferson Davis High School. My wife grew up in Montgomery. We live 25 minutes from the Alabama state line, where Trump just had a rally that would technically not be in Alabama.

    Even with the Sinclair Broadcasting flinging monkey feces on the air nightly, I’ve been amazed by how many Alabamians I interact with are anti-Moore. At Thanksgiving, it was a majority, but not unanimous.

    I would love to think that Alabama would like to take credit for putting the Birmingham church bombers in prison, more than they would like to flip the bird to the Democrats. I’ll be really encouraged if they do, but not too surprised if they don’t. The racism runs super deep down here.

    Also, I have enough authentic antique George Wallace for Governor bumper stickers to make a swastika, if anyone wants to make me an offer.

  • greyXstar

    Dear Santa/Crom/FSM/Cthulhu, et al.

    I’ve been very good this year and also have already been through enough. Don’t let me down.

    Yours,
    gXs

  • BigCSouthside

    I fucking hope you’re right, but my optimisms have been killed

  • Bebecca

    I have tears in my eyes as I read this. Could it really happen?

  • Teto85

    Thanks Fakakta.
    Vote early, vote often (that means vote in every election, but not more than once for every candidate or ballot proposition of your choice) VOTE.

  • TiniestMiss

    I am a child of the South, born and reared in Alabama, with my Mama working from my birth to make sure I became Miss Alabama one day (I did not). (But that is NOT A JOKE. I am of an age to have a smallpox vaccine,and mine is demurely on my upper left thigh, just below my buttcheek, because my mother and our pediatrician decided that Miss Alabama Should Not Have an Unsightly Scar on Her Arm).

    My friends in Birmingham, Mobile, Fairhope and Montgomery tell a similar tale, and yet we all cannot quite believe that Alabamians will do anything but the Wrong Thing tomorrow. I don’t live there anymore so cannot vote. So I pray. And pray and pray. For all that is brave and beautiful in that amazing place, despite our nasty reputation. For all that is good in humans. For all those teenage girls, in Alabama and elsewhere who are watching to see just how much they matter.

    Oh, please, Alabama. We need you to do the right thing. We’re trying to have faith. And RTR.

    • Fakakta South

      Good Lord, you are SO southern – I wanna know what your talent was, and I’m hoping it involved fire batons and opera. I know exactly how you feel and it is IMPOSSIBLY hard to imagine, what with how we’ve acted every other year since we were made a state. It’s bewildering really – how things seem and how we assume they must be just because it’s how they’ve always been. But I’ll tell you this – Democrats and other people with brains have a reason to fight this time. I don’t know how often I’ve heard “It don’t matter who you vote for, this is Alabama.” I do not hear that this time. And it WAY past time for this state to FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL act as beautiful as our landscape. What’s better looking than our beaches, lakes and mountains (and, um, people really I mean we have some really good looking folks, I sure do with they’d put some of THEM on the news.) Thank you for your prayers and make sure to HOUND ALL YOUR FRIENDS that do still live here TO VOTE VOTE VOTE

      • TiniestMiss

        I will never be anything but a Southerner. I am having to Watch Mah Mouth with some of our other fair commenters this evening but I understand that we can’t all have the perfect manners of a well bred southerner.

        We have reason to fight. We have reason to believe. We, the South, are every bit as divided as the rest of the nation. And I pray that tomorrow we will prove victorious. Liberals are not as much an oddity in Alabama as CNN and the Baptist Church would have us believe. I struggle with my faith in the ability of Alabamans to vote in a qualified candidate, but not in my belief that the majority of us are decent, loving, thoughtful humans.

        And just for the record, my talents did NOT include a fire baton. my first and last foray into the world of beauty contests ended with toddlerhood.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Send Jones money. $10 would help.

      My sister is in her 50s. Her Smallpox Scar is the same. She was second runner up in the Miss Teen Minden (Louisiana) in 1972 or 1973. She twirreled batons.

  • willi0000000

    i just hope Alabama has a human-countable voting system.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    From your lips to God’s ears!

  • Johnny Norris

    Always glad to read a new voice from Alabama (I grew up in Talladega and now live in Birmingham). Good stuff. Your experiences talking to educated Alabama Republicans mirror my own. And like you, I have not seen a Moore sign anywhere, not in Hoover, not in Homewood, shit, not even in Mountain brook.

    Let’s shock the world tomorrow, and . . .

    War Eagle!

    Johnny

    • Fakakta South

      I grew up in Homewood, my mama’s still there – she was at that Pig on ’31 fighting with the locals. I’m in Huntsville now and honey, if we can get Doug Jones a win tomorrow I will sing your fight song from the top of this mountain with pleasure. (Good game btw, y’all kicked our butts) Cheers!

      • Johnny Norris

        I’m betting you know my ex, who is in HuntsVegas and is a big Jones supporter. Send me a friend request on the FaceFriends?

    • eastcoastlib

      Tomorrow night’s headline:

      Alabama reaffirms their long tradition of being the dumbest place on earth.

      • Johnny Norris

        *big dumb Gomer Pyle smile*. You probably know best. Bless your heart.

        Also, fuck you in the ass with a pogo stick.

        With all respect.

        J

        • eastcoastlib

          Right back at ya.

          And remember that worshiping traitors and racists is your history, not mine. Fuck the south. Sherman should have castrated every last one of your despicable ancestors.

          • sarafina

            You must not be of British extraction, since they fucked up every where they spent much time. As John Oliver says, “Just ask India.”

          • eastcoastlib

            No place is without sin but most places have the good sense to hang their heads in shame at their murderous past. Southerners have a peculiar tendency to cling to a version of their history that is frankly, complete bullshit. So again, fuck the south.

          • H0mer0

            how ironic, to label yourself an “eastcoastlib” and to condemn a group of people, some of whom did not choose to be born there and some of whom are trying to change it for the better, unless by “lib,” you don’t mean “liberal.”
            As we have learned in a few of the past Presidential elections, we write off the south at our own peril.

          • eastcoastlib

            I am not condemning any one individual. I realize there are some like-minded liberals living in the south. It’s not just the south that sucks, it’s the entire USA. We are collectively very stupid and it’s pretty clear we are too dumb (again, collectively) to govern ourselves. So maybe I should have said, fuck the south and fuck the USA.

          • H0mer0

            Alrighty Then!
            ask not for whom the bell tolls…

          • eastcoastlib

            The bell has already tolled.

          • H0mer0

            If you say so

          • Johnny Norris

            Despicable best describes your attitude towards the South. Yes many here are deplorables. But many, including this charming writer and myself, share you’re liberal viewpoints. Why you would want to attack us is inexplicable. The intellectual heart of your regional attack is tribal in its shortsightedness. Guess what, you East Coast dickhole? You are a total asshole. And I don’t care who you vote for

          • eastcoastlib

            Southern attitudes are passed down from generation to generation and thus continue to this day to perpetuate a false history, And yes, it’s not just a southern thing. Racism is passed down from generation to generation in every city in America. But there’s something different about how southerners view their history. A history that whitewashes their traitorous past and their defining racial animus. It’s fucking repugnant and whether you like it or not, unless you’re willing to accept the shame that is the true history of southern culture, you’re part of the problem.

            As for the point of this thread. I realize you’re more liberal than many of your compatriots but those fucking ignorant hillbillies will do what they have always done. Elect an asshole. I sure hope for the sake of our collective sanity I’m wrong but if you are honest you will have to admit the odds are in favor of me being right.

          • grindstone

            How vile, and truly beyond the pale.

          • eastcoastlib

            Yes, there were some fine people at those lynchings down south so many years ago. Some very fine people.

            Vile is a pretty good description of southern culture. From slavery to Jim Crow to the present day. Southern culture is a culture of lies, racism and death and it has spread like an incurable cancer, so much so that it’s literally embedded in our national DNA.

            Southerners never seem to mind the hatred spewed in their name to those who occupy the two coasts or inner cities and yet they whine like fat kids that dropped their ice cream if they are called out for their collective stupidity. I’m sure you don’t identify personally with most of the excesses of southern culture but remember, tomorrow Alabama is going to elect a man who was kicked out of the mall for being a creepy pedophile. He’ll win because he’s successfully convinced people he’s a true son of the south.

          • grindstone

            I have no issue with stating that racism is rampant in the south and always has been, but your attitude that racism existed nowhere else and that the south invented it and infected the rest of the country is a blind spot that will not serve you well at all. Racism has flourished all over the place without the south’s help. Was it institutionalized in the south moreso than other places? Definitely. Does the rest of the country have clean hands? Hardly.

  • Smoke O’Hontas

    This is exactly the kind of good news I needed right now! All that’s lacking is a sweet tea and a side of good gravy! RTR indeed!

    • Suttree

      Rice, roast, and gravy was yesterday. Today is red beans.

      • Smoke O’Hontas

        I’ll take it! But I’m still gonna need some sweet tea, otherwise my bourbon will be lonely.

        • Suttree

          I moved back north a few years ago, after spending 20 years down south, and my tea isn’t quite as sweet as it used to be. I also only use about 1/20th of the ice I used too (per diem), so go figure. :)

  • Lurkylu

    a D win Jeff Sessions old seat? Muah ha ha! i am sending all of my positive vibes…

  • Suttree

    Hi Fakakta! I just read that in a nice slow drawl. A Louisiana drawl because I know it better than an Alabama one. It is nice to hear these things from the woman on the street. Hopefully Roy takes a whooping tomorrow. Also too, I love hearing people call shopping carts buggies!

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Me too. That takes me back to childhood when we would visit my grandparents, and we had to remember to say “buggies,” and “pocketbook” instead of purse or wallet, and “grocery sack” instead of bag, and “pop” instead of soda, and “taters” instead of potatoes.

      • Suttree

        It took a few years to pick up a solid basis. I miss it now!

  • puredog

    I love that Wonkette gets the occasional exotic post.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Then an old man chimed in “I was gonna write in, but hell this is too important. I’m going to vote Democrat for the first and I hope last time in my 73 years.”

    I call bullshit on this guy, unless he wasn’t voting at all back in the ’60s. All the southron racists were D back then. If he’s been voting R lately, he’d have been voting D back then.

    • Benedict McTeedle

      The guy was born in 1944. In the ’60s, the voting age was 21, which means he wasn’t eligible to vote until 1965. Back in the days when the South was all Democrats, all the time, there were probably plenty of people, especially young ones, who didn’t bother to vote. So, while the factual basis of your premise is sound, it’s also well within the realm of possibility that this particular guy has never voted for a Democrat in his life.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Possibly bullshit, but maybe not bullshit. My grandpa was told by his daddy when he was just a young ‘un that You Can Never Trust A Democrat, and so for all of his 78 years he voted Republican. Now, he didn’t have a clue what either party stood for as he could barely read, but he kept faith with his daddy and his uncles and all his cousins, and there was no shaking him on this point with talk of policy and Constitutions and taxes and parties switching sides. The Democrats were the Devil, and that’s all there was to know as far as he was concerned.

    • Fakakta South

      Hello sir, long time no argue. Hope you’re well. I can’t speak to the racist tendencies of the man at the store. All I can say is, my Memaw is 92. She was the Republican woman of the year in the state of Alabama twice in the 80s. She has ALWAYS been a Republican – “ever since she paid her first poll tax.” She came from and was a business owner (my Grandaddy was a pro photographer and they ran a studio together) and they were still pretty annoyed with the New Deal even by the time I was old enough to argue with her. Everything is not always only about race down here. For A LOT of people its about money, and the Republican party is the one they have always felt had their interests at heart.

  • IrishGrudge

    Great article! Nice to hear another liberal voice from the South. Go Jones!

    …And GO DAWGS! See y’all in Atlanta on January 8! 🐶 vs 🐘

    WE WANT BAMA

  • pgjack

    would love it if Doug Jones won in Alabama but it is Alabama.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    The cool kids are now using “credibly accused” instead of “alleged”

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    I can only add a “from your mouth to Dawg’s ears, Fakakta South!!” to all of this!

    (Well… except RTR, which I cannot endorse. Geaux Tigers.)

  • Steve Thompson

    Thanks, Fakakta. I’m in Montgomery and think you summed up the situation real nice. It does feel different. I walked my neighborhood (OK, so it’s Cloverdale, known refuge of atheist, muslim, homo, commie, ejucated snobs, BUT) to find in addition to solid support for Jones, intense loathing for Moore among genteel, sure-to-vote
    Republicans. One neighbor, an active evil-doer in The Party, even confessed that he was “pissed” that he “had to” vote for Moore, since he is physically unable to vote for any Democrat. “Then don’t vote at all,” I said. We talked and he finally agreed to write in Nick Saban. I actually believe a LOT of Republicans will just sit this one out. To some Moore is white trash, to others he’s a really tiresome Pharisee. So who needs the aggravation of voting for him. They’re sure they’ll win the seat back in ’20. Fine, whatever. Just don’t vote tomorrow. K?

    So much for Republican defectors. The other side of the Jones Wins equation is the African-American vote. I think Jones has done a great job of raising awareness that their vote WILL be decisive, and that message is being broadcast loud and clear in the community. Signs are up all over town, but many of those put up by the Black Caucus say starkly, “VOTE OR DIE”. And it’s true. Moore is truly an existential threat to all minorities. I’m gay, and I definitely feel it. A close friend is active in the Black Caucus, and she reports that the get-out-the-vote has been intense and even young voters are charged up for the first time since 2008. So, I’m hopeful. But have lethal volumes of Stoly at hand.

    For all you non-Alabamians who did anything to support Jones, THANK YOU!
    To get a sense of how a lot of us feel down here, I give you Trae Crowder in Birmingham.
    Enjoy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SBP0SiR6_0

    • Roadstergal

      I don’t want to have hope and be so massively let down yet again, but damn if that dude doesn’t make me feel it.

    • IrishGrudge

      “write in Nick Saban” lmao

      • Steve Thompson

        It’s a thing, for real. There are ads along with Shelby saying he just can’t and will write in the name of a distinguished Republican.

        • Carole

          Abraham Lincoln?

          • Steve Thompson

            Himself, most likely

    • sarafina

      I love Trae Crowder.

    • grindstone

      “Yosemite Sham”. Love me some Trae.

  • Blue State Too

    If Alabama elects Doug Jones, from here on out I think we can assume that Taco Tuesday shall be replaced by Grits Tuesday.

    • Roadstergal

      If Jones wins, I will eat a grit.

      • If Jones wins I will never say Alafuckinbama again.
        Until the next time they keep round a twice disgraced judge who preys on children. Gotta have that caveat.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    I would never insult your Mama. I was raised in the South and have manners.
    All I can do is send Jones money (I did) and hope you are right.

    Oh, and as an LSU Alum I still hate Nick Saban. I hate him more than I hate my ex-wife. She left. He left for money.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    I sent him (a lot of overtime).

    I hope it works.

  • ibwilliamsi

    I wish I could get my hopes up about this. The gun totin’ Bible thumpers will be coming out of the woodwork to vote for Moore. If they can marry their cousin they can vote twice, right?

    • redblack

      funny place, alabama. it’s largely african-american. and when the people turn out, democrats usually win. even in the deep south.

      [knocks on wood]

  • Empress of the Iguana People

    God, I hope all of you sensible Alabamans -vote-; we don’t need another “we thought was-her-name- was a shoe-in, so we didn’t”.

  • You go, Alabama, you shock that world.
    Solidarity!

  • Empress of the Iguana People

    Go Browns! I think we’re one more loss from a perfect season! A perfect losing season, that is, lol. Ah well, what can ya do?

  • eastcoastlib

    Ms. South, I love your enthusiasm but Roy Moore is going to win. He’s going to win because deep in the dark heart of Dixie, people are genuinely, completely, inbred hillbillies. They worship traitors and think racism is their birthright. They consistently vote for the worst possible person and this race will be no different. I hope I am wrong but I am certain I am right.

    Were I to ever become your benevolent dictator the first thing I would do is send a swarm of well armed troops into the south and smash every remnant of southern racism into dust. Every statue, every street sign, every courthouse, state house, and post office would be bulldozed and renamed for a lynching victim.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Shet yo mouf. They ain’t gonna elec no prevert.

      • eastcoastlib

        It’s a little late for that isn’t it?

      • Maybe

        A lot of them being a Democrat is perverted.

    • hillarysleftone

      well, and no offense, but your post shows you know a metric fuckload less about the South than our FakaktaSouth, bless your heart.

      • eastcoastlib

        I know the fucking ignorant hillbillies will elect a fucking pedophile as their next Senator. This fucking tool couldn’t get elected dog catcher any place BUT the south. Stupid is as stupid does. Sorry if that hurts your little fee fee’s. Fuck the south.

  • IrishGrudge

    I loved this piece, but it kind of reminds me of the way we all naively felt here in Atlanta about John Ossoff beating Karen Handel. And we all know how that turned out. I sincerely hope things turn out differently ‘cross the border in Ol’ Bammy.

    • Harm

      Pretty sure there was some serious f*ckery at the polls during that election.

  • Kooolest G

    I fear the polls in alabama are just like the presidential polls in 2016, no one wants to admit to a stranger on the phone that they are going to vote for the racist/rapist but once the curtain closes in the voting booth, they vote their lack of conscience like always

    • JustDon’tSayProbably

      Sort of a white-guy Tom Braden effect.

  • Thorn Spike

    Lord knows I’m ready to be shocked.

  • IrishGrudge

    If we could get the African-American and Millenial vote to turn out consistently in a real way down here, all of Dixie would go blue. We have plenty of Liberals; they just don’t vote. The old white wingnuts & rednecks, however, are organized, mobilized and they show up for all elections.

    • BrendaKay

      Not just Dixie – the whole country would go blue!

    • The Republican voters in red states do a decent job of making us feel like we’re the only liberal ones. It doesn’t help when we’re also afraid of repercussions if we put a yard sign out or a sticker on the car. It’s not so bad in the city where we know we’re concentrated, I can only imagine being a Dem in the sticks.
      As for the youngs, it tends to be more about not being confident that they know the issues enough to vote, or even how to vote. (I did a GOTV project for a college class last year, finding out why people don’t vote was part of it.)

  • Sakonyachen

    “But even in the back-woods, back-water, and back-asswards parts of the counties, there’s way more vocal, public support for crystal meth than there is for Roy Moore.”

    I assumed that was the way it was before the allegations.

    Sorry. I’m from Illinois, shitting on Alabama is about all we have left.

  • sarafina

    “and no one will be murdered on purpose.”

    I read this far and needed to say how wonderful you are. Do you know Trae Crowley?Now I’ll read the rest.

  • Ilgattomorte

    From your lips to God’s ears, I hope you’re right!
    By the way, I love your Mama. Can I have her?

  • IrishGrudge

    “I just got in a dust-up at The Piggly Wiggly” is the funniest opening line to a text of all time 😂 And something only a Southerner can appreciate the seriousness of lol

    • covfefesumgame0005

      well, no there are or were Piggly Wigglies in MN back in the 70’s!

      • JustDon’tSayProbably

        SoDak, also too. That’s where we bought whatever beer was on sale to bounce quarters at all night.

      • Erala Contratista

        Found one in MN year and a half ago!

  • Margaret Lamont

    ********Some grey haired biddy from out of nowhere********
    Totally want to visit the South.
    They like Shrimp-n-grits, fried oysters, and talking to people at the grocery store.
    Up here, you step on the train and it’s like a caravan of the quiet, don’t bother me people.

  • Grokenstein

    Then an old man chimed in “I was gonna write in, but hell this is too important.

    Finally figured out that pissing your vote away has consequences, huh?

  • Gosala

    Wow. That was a hell of a column. I wouldn’t mind at all to hear more from Miz South. I love your style, lady. It was impossible to read that without hearing it like it was live on the radio.

    I liked the upbeat message also too, but alas I still think Moore gonna win easily (Prove me wrong Alabama!)

    But more Miz South!!x!!**!!

    • redblack

      seconded.

      • anomie

        thirded.

        • Ill-Advised

          All in favor, say aye!

    • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

      She does have a death grip on the Alabama patois.

    • DrShitferbrains

      Fakakta used to write for wonkette a lot more in the before time.

      • Fakakta is one of my all time favs.

        Miss you lady!

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    as a barely-Texan with kinfolk by marriage in Alabama….i approve.

    ; p

  • SomeBigRedDog

    They call a grocery cart a buggy? It’s like they’re a foreign country.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      It’s a Southern thing. People still say icebox too.

    • Whitney Alex Barkley

      Yep.

      Also if an old Southern woman ever tells you she wants a coke, you say “what kind”?

      Because coke isn’t a proper noun for old Southern ladies. It’s a way of referring to soda.

      When my Mawmaw was still alive, her favorite coke was a ginger ale. Or as she said it, a “ging-rail”.

      • anomie

        This is all true.

      • chicken thief

        No Cheerwine?!

        • It’sWhitneyBitch

          Wow! An NC call out. Do we know each other? (Idk why this switched over to my account with my real name, BTW)

          No, though. Mawmaw didn’t like Cheerwine or Sundrop. Just co-coler and ginge-ale, or a taste (entire cup) of that lemonade you have there.

          • chicken thief

            Lol! I was stationed in NC a couple of times – spent about 8 yrs total there. My kids loved Cheerwine and the oldest still gets a shipment (to NJ) occasionally from friends that still live there.

    • little miss high and mighty

      In the west they Punch buttons
      East: press buttons
      South: Mash buttons
      Up north is optional.

      • Maybe

        In California we seem to push buttons. Or sometimes press them.

        • little miss high and mighty

          one of the new generation of arrivals, maybe

        • John Hollingsworth

          Here is SF East Bay we fist-bump buttons

          • Maybe

            I hadn’t heard that one. It may depend on the type of button. I would push a button on a vending machine, but “Press Any Key” on my computer. Of course, that is calling a button a key.

            Ain’t English grand?

  • Jacob DiCiaula

    My uncle was a sgt major in the air force. Never knew what that meant. Then he committed suicide when i was young and before I joined up. Figured out he’d done pretty well, served in Korea.

    I wish we could have talked when I knew a bit more.

    My Grandma had this thing, she wanted pictures of all of us in our dress uniforms. She hung the pictures on the wall in this hallway. Before she passes, she got a picture of me in my Blues and it’s on that wall.

    I guess this post has meandered. But, I guess I’m thinking on my uncle and grandma tonight.

  • Maybe

    Y’All Might Get Doug Jones In Your Christmas Stocking.

    Unless you’re 14, in which case you get Roy Moore.

    • H0mer0

      ewww!

      • Maybe

        And that ewww! might get elected. Today will be an interesting day. I see a lot of MSNBC in my future.

  • redblack

    steve bannon is a carpetbagger.

    among other things.

    • Boo Hoo

      Indeed. What’s sad is that is actually the *least* offensive thing he is. Well, other than male, I guess…and human. Barely.

  • Whitney Alex Barkley

    Dear God, I pray to Heaven you are right, but as former Mississippian I am always, always prepared for government by the least moral and more stupider.

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    Speaking of colloquialisms, I now finally, truly, understand this one: “Your lips (or fingertips) to God’s ears!”

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    Oh, I forgot. Last fall I took something of a rural route to get to the Michigan State University campus every fall Saturday which saw the Spartans playing a home football game. I was unsettled by the number of signs for Trump (it was AOT,K) I saw posted in the farmers’ fields. I dismissed at the time – how many people live in Williamsburg, anyhow? – but now thanks to this article I am reminded of them and of that phenomenon, again.

    • Reegstar

      Shout out to a fellow Spartan!

      • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

        Go Green.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Yard signs are also why I was not as surprised by the orange menace being ‘elected’ (I use the term loosely) as I might otherwise have been. In the hip, urban parts of the city, they were scarce on the ground, but out in the burbs? Hoo boy. So I am taking this as a Hopeful Sign while simultaneously trying not to hold my breath.

  • anomie

    Can I just up vote this whole dispatch from Fakakta South, like, 500 times? Whatever happens tomorrow, thank you for this.

  • BlueDawg

    The Piggly Wiggly is no joke, y’all.

    • Grumpy Old Man

      At least PW now allows you to exit an aisle whenever you want.

      (PW used to force you to walk from one end of the store to the other like those airport mazes to get through security.

  • Jeff Greer

    I remain convinced that the mothers of Alabama will not vote for somebody they wouldn’t leave their teenage daughter alone with. They might not tell pollsters, or their husbands, and they might not even vote for Jones, but enough of them won’t vote for the cradle-robber.

  • Carrie Scott

    From one bama girl to another. TYT. God bless you, Wonkette😙

    • Amy!

      Here’s hoping y’all win tomorrow, ’cause then all us folks outside Alabama are gonna win … and because also all those folks who vote for Roy Moore instead of Doug Jones are gonna win, even though it may take ’em a while to figure it out.

  • caphilldcne

    All my voting age Alabama relatives are for Jones. A lot of their skunk friends are for Moore tho.

  • l84wrk

    If we could just get Nick Saban to endorse Jones!

  • As an Alabama girl, I love this article so hard. I hope you’re right. I live in New Orleans now, but I’m driving in to Mobile tomorrow to help GOTFV!

  • Boo Hoo

    Still laughing at “Fakakta”…well played.

    Anywho, I hope you’re right. But, recent experiences have taught me not to trust polls or predictions.

  • Sal Paradise

    “Bigots? Why sugar don’t make me laugh; one of our attorneys is a Jewboy.”
    http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/11/politics/kayla-moore-roy-rally-alabama-senate/index.html

    Something tells me it’s the pedo by 7 to 9 pts.

  • Jo Mathie

    Please, please Alabama do the right thing and vote Doug. i love the story of the old man saying he’s going to vote Democrat for the first time. Hopefully he’s telling his die-hard Republican friends to do the same.

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  • LadyLaz

    Ms. South, I hope you are right 💝. I am a wahoo, I will join it and say RTR. A coworker of mine, born and raised there, is less confident.

  • “The state is covered in Doug Jones signs” Sorry but nope, not unless rural Mobile County became part of Mississippi when I wasn’t paying attention. My family has a condo on Dauphin Island, and the surrounding area was blanketed with Moore yard signs. Granted, the last time I was there was about a week before the story broke, but I’d bet dollars to donuts these are the people who say bitches be lyin’ when it comes to Moore and Jones is a baby-killer. They probably also think the fact that he prosecuted Klan members for a church bombing is a BAD thing, but are just barely self-aware enough to not say that part out loud to the media.

    I hope I’m wrong, and I don’t think it’s going to be a landslide or anything, but I think Moore is gonna win this one. I would LOVE to be wrong.

    • Jackie Jones

      Sigh.

  • Maybe

    I’m afraid that what would shock the world would be if Alabama doesn’t elect Roy Moore.

  • Steve Thompson

    I voted in the Socialist Republic of Old Cloverdale (Montgomery) this morning and the turnout was YUGE! My partner voted an hour later and his wait was even longer. Is good for Jones see so many Comrades in action. A note about ballot fuckery. My state senate district (60/40 AA/W race demographic) had a Dem. primary today in which there are three African-American candidates. In order to vote in that primary and in the US Senate election you have to vote on separate ballots and stand in line twice to get them. AND the sign-in tables for the primary ballots are just inside the entrance, while the tables for the US race are in the back of the room. The state race is a very big deal in the African-American community, so I have no doubt a lot of voters for whom that race is more important will simply pass if the line to get the second ballot is really long. Pure fuckery by the AL Sec’y of State, a Republican who has “stood by” Moore.

  • Resistance Fighter Puipui

    I am rooting for you so hard right now. You can do it, Alabama!

  • Talis

    So are you saying that an alleged pedophile with more than enough proof of his crimes to stand up in a court of law and be found guilty, is running neck-and-neck with a Democrat and that somehow means that there are plenty of good people in Alabama? What it means to me is that there are no good conservatives. It means that people left of Attila the Hun have to get out and vote because you can never ever count on the fascists to come around.

  • Bad Tom

    I hope like hell you are right!
    ——-
    Although I have not lived my whole life in the South, I did spend nine years of my childhood in Huntsville.

  • Jackie Jones

    That is encouraging.

  • Harbinger08

    Can’t wait to find out.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    I have a cousin named Doug. Doug’s are good people. Don’t know any Roys.

  • Akat

    This is an awesome post to read.

  • Patrick Henry
  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Ms. South, thank for all you and your family’s help.
    You were right, maam. I wanted to believe you, I prayed for you to be right, and I sent a little money to Jones.

    God bless you, your family, and every Democrat in Alabama.

  • You were right!!!!!!

  • bikedude

    Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice – Sen. Elect D. Jones, quoting M. L. King, Jr.

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