Good morning, we’re almost halfway through December, which means the news is slowing down and … oh wait, the news isn’t slowing down? Ugh, kill us now.
Let’s look at the batshit new thing Maggie Haberman published in the New York Times this weekend, about how Donald Trump is a crazy bastard who’s unfit to lead this great nation. It’s a doozy!
Donald Trump sometimes watches EIGHT HOURS of TV per day.
Donald Trump, your president, wakes up at 5:30 AM. According to Haberman, he then watches TV in bed in his sleepytime underpants, or he watches TV in his private den, and sometimes he even watches TV in the Treaty Room. Haberman doesn’t mention how much time Trump spends watching TV while hunkered atop his gold-plated toilet, but we’re pretty sure the answer to that question is “a lot.”
People close to him estimate that Mr. Trump spends at least four hours a day, and sometimes as much as twice that, in front of a television, sometimes with the volume muted, marinating in the no-holds-barred wars of cable news and eager to fire back.
EIGHT HOURS. Unmentioned in this chronicle of Trump’s morning time is Barron Trump, who might like to see his dad before he goes to school, or Melania Trump, who apparently does not exist.
NUH UH, THAT IS FAKE NEWS!
Whatever, dude. Haberman actually reports that, while her team was researching this article, they sent Trump a bunch of fact-checking questions, and the TV viewing was one of them. Instead of answering the question for Maggie Haberman, he started rambling about it to other reporters on Air Force One during his Asia trip:
“I do not watch much television,” he insisted. “I know they like to say — people that don’t know me — they like to say I watch television. People with fake sources — you know, fake reporters, fake sources. But I don’t get to watch much television, primarily because of documents. I’m reading documents a lot.”
ALL THE DOCUMENTS. YOOGE DOCUMENTS.
Haberman reports that, after he whined to the reporters about how he doesn’t watch TV very much, he whined to other folks that they didn’t have anything besides CNN in the Philippines.
It’s really hard to get President SweepyHead to go to work. :(
REALLY, REALLY HARD:
Mr. [John] Kelly is trying, quietly and respectfully, to reduce the amount of free time the president has for fiery tweets by accelerating the start of his workday. Mr. Priebus also tried, with only modest success, to encourage Mr. Trump to arrive by 9 or 9:30 a.m.
That’s right, regular American. You are at work by 7:30 or 8 in the morning. As yr Wonkette types this, it is 8:26 in the morning in our time zone. The president, on the other hand, will start doing the work of the American people when he feels like it, and he DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT YET.
Jared Kushner openly says his father-in-law will destroy the office of the presidency. LOL!
Jared Kushner, his son-in-law and senior adviser, has told associates that Mr. Trump, deeply set in his ways at age 71, will never change. Rather, he predicted, Mr. Trump would bend, and possibly break, the office to his will.
Cool story, bro. We’ve been saying Trump is pissing all over the office he holds, but it’s wild to hear somebody in the White House to say that out loud.
Sometimes Trump calls his BFFs to tell them the awesome tweets he is going to do next. His BFFs think his tweets are stupid.
In June, according to a longtime adviser, he excitedly called friends to say he had the perfect tweet to neutralize the Russia investigation. He would call it a “witch hunt.” They were unimpressed.
Glad to know Trump’s pals agree he’s A Idiot.
Trump drinks ONE DOZEN Diet Cokes per day.
ONE DOZEN. TWELVE. HOLY SHIT.
Trump was really bad at being president at first, but he’s getting better at it, MAGGIE HABERMAN’S SOURCES SWEAR.
Seriously, there are like twelve paragraphs about this, and we declare them all bullshit. He’s as terrible at this job as he was the day he started.
Crazy-ass Fox News lady Jeanine Pirro gets audiences with King Trump in the White House, at least until John Kelly AND Donald Trump get tired of her bullshit.
Yes, THAT Jeanine Pirro, who spent seven minutes on her Fox News show this weekend explaining why THE ENTIRE FBI needs to be fired, for BLAH BLAH BLAH conspiracy theory reasons. Did you know Pirro interviewed for the deputy attorney general job during the transition? It’s true! Obviously she didn’t get the job.
Anyway, about Pirro’s recent meeting at the White House:
Mr. Trump, Mr. Kelly and Donald F. McGahn II, the White House counsel, met for more than an hour on Nov. 1 as Ms. Pirro whipped up the president against Mr. Mueller and accused James B. Comey, the former F.B.I. director, of employing tactics typically reserved for Mafia cases, according to a person briefed on the meeting.
The president became visibly agitated as she spoke. “Roy Cohn was my lawyer!” he exclaimed, referring to the legendary McCarthy-era fixer who mentored Mr. Trump in the 1980s, suggesting that was the type of defender he needed now.
At another point, Mr. Kelly interrupted. She was not “helping things,” he said, according to the person briefed. Even Mr. Trump eventually tired of Ms. Pirro’s screed and walked out of the room, according to the person.
LOL, Jeanine Pirro is too batshit even for Donald Trump, at least sometimes. Goodbye, Jeanine Pirro! Hope you had fun at the White House today! Go home now! Try not to get a speeding ticket for going 119 in a 65 this time!
Trump, of course, still watches Pirro’s show, and he watches best journalist ever Sean Hannity, so we’re sure he’s seen their recent crazy-ass rantings about Devil Robert Mueller. We covered the Fox News/GOP campaign to convince Trump to try to Saturday Night Massacre Mueller on Friday, but if you want to watch the Seven Minutes Hate Pirro did on her show Saturday about Mueller and the entire FBI (you don’t), here you go, knock yourself out:
And finally, Donald Trump is very lonely ever since his best friend/bodyguard Keith Schiller quit. :(
Trump says the Oval Office feels “empty” now, AWWWW SAD.
Trump could be reunited with Big Keith, of course, if he simply resigned the presidency and never showed his face in public again.
Think of it, Donald! You and Big Keith hanging out all day and tickling each other’s hair and watchin’ TV! No mean John Kelly pressuring you to “go to work”! A majority of Americans happy for the first time since November 8, 2016!
It would be beautiful.
We are just making suggestions.
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