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Doesn’t watch hardly any TV.

Good morning, we’re almost halfway through December, which means the news is slowing down and … oh wait, the news isn’t slowing down? Ugh, kill us now.

Let’s look at the batshit new thing Maggie Haberman published in the New York Times this weekend, about how Donald Trump is a crazy bastard who’s unfit to lead this great nation. It’s a doozy!

Donald Trump sometimes watches EIGHT HOURS of TV per day.

Donald Trump, your president, wakes up at 5:30 AM. According to Haberman, he then watches TV in bed in his sleepytime underpants, or he watches TV in his private den, and sometimes he even watches TV in the Treaty Room. Haberman doesn’t mention how much time Trump spends watching TV while hunkered atop his gold-plated toilet, but we’re pretty sure the answer to that question is “a lot.”

People close to him estimate that Mr. Trump spends at least four hours a day, and sometimes as much as twice that, in front of a television, sometimes with the volume muted, marinating in the no-holds-barred wars of cable news and eager to fire back.

EIGHT HOURS. Unmentioned in this chronicle of Trump’s morning time is Barron Trump, who might like to see his dad before he goes to school, or Melania Trump, who apparently does not exist.

NUH UH, THAT IS FAKE NEWS!

Whatever, dude. Haberman actually reports that, while her team was researching this article, they sent Trump a bunch of fact-checking questions, and the TV viewing was one of them. Instead of answering the question for Maggie Haberman, he started rambling about it to other reporters on Air Force One during his Asia trip:

“I do not watch much television,” he insisted. “I know they like to say — people that don’t know me — they like to say I watch television. People with fake sources — you know, fake reporters, fake sources. But I don’t get to watch much television, primarily because of documents. I’m reading documents a lot.”

ALL THE DOCUMENTS. YOOGE DOCUMENTS.

Haberman reports that, after he whined to the reporters about how he doesn’t watch TV very much, he whined to other folks that they didn’t have anything besides CNN in the Philippines.

It’s really hard to get President SweepyHead to go to work. :(

REALLY, REALLY HARD:

Mr. [John] Kelly is trying, quietly and respectfully, to reduce the amount of free time the president has for fiery tweets by accelerating the start of his workday. Mr. Priebus also tried, with only modest success, to encourage Mr. Trump to arrive by 9 or 9:30 a.m.

That’s right, regular American. You are at work by 7:30 or 8 in the morning. As yr Wonkette types this, it is 8:26 in the morning in our time zone. The president, on the other hand, will start doing the work of the American people when he feels like it, and he DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT YET.

Jared Kushner openly says his father-in-law will destroy the office of the presidency. LOL!

For real:

Jared Kushner, his son-in-law and senior adviser, has told associates that Mr. Trump, deeply set in his ways at age 71, will never change. Rather, he predicted, Mr. Trump would bend, and possibly break, the office to his will.

Cool story, bro. We’ve been saying Trump is pissing all over the office he holds, but it’s wild to hear somebody in the White House to say that out loud.

Sometimes Trump calls his BFFs to tell them the awesome tweets he is going to do next. His BFFs think his tweets are stupid.

SAD!

In June, according to a longtime adviser, he excitedly called friends to say he had the perfect tweet to neutralize the Russia investigation. He would call it a “witch hunt.” They were unimpressed.

Glad to know Trump’s pals agree he’s A Idiot.

Trump drinks ONE DOZEN Diet Cokes per day.

ONE DOZEN. TWELVE. HOLY SHIT.

Trump was really bad at being president at first, but he’s getting better at it, MAGGIE HABERMAN’S SOURCES SWEAR.

Bullshit.

Seriously, there are like twelve paragraphs about this, and we declare them all bullshit. He’s as terrible at this job as he was the day he started.

Crazy-ass Fox News lady Jeanine Pirro gets audiences with King Trump in the White House, at least until John Kelly AND Donald Trump get tired of her bullshit.

Yes, THAT Jeanine Pirro, who spent seven minutes on her Fox News show this weekend explaining why THE ENTIRE FBI needs to be fired, for BLAH BLAH BLAH conspiracy theory reasons. Did you know Pirro interviewed for the deputy attorney general job during the transition? It’s true! Obviously she didn’t get the job.

Anyway, about Pirro’s recent meeting at the White House:

Mr. Trump, Mr. Kelly and Donald F. McGahn II, the White House counsel, met for more than an hour on Nov. 1 as Ms. Pirro whipped up the president against Mr. Mueller and accused James B. Comey, the former F.B.I. director, of employing tactics typically reserved for Mafia cases, according to a person briefed on the meeting.

The president became visibly agitated as she spoke. “Roy Cohn was my lawyer!” he exclaimed, referring to the legendary McCarthy-era fixer who mentored Mr. Trump in the 1980s, suggesting that was the type of defender he needed now.

At another point, Mr. Kelly interrupted. She was not “helping things,” he said, according to the person briefed. Even Mr. Trump eventually tired of Ms. Pirro’s screed and walked out of the room, according to the person.

LOL, Jeanine Pirro is too batshit even for Donald Trump, at least sometimes. Goodbye, Jeanine Pirro! Hope you had fun at the White House today! Go home now! Try not to get a speeding ticket for going 119 in a 65 this time!

Trump, of course, still watches Pirro’s show, and he watches best journalist ever Sean Hannity, so we’re sure he’s seen their recent crazy-ass rantings about Devil Robert Mueller. We covered the Fox News/GOP campaign to convince Trump to try to Saturday Night Massacre Mueller on Friday, but if you want to watch the Seven Minutes Hate Pirro did on her show Saturday about Mueller and the entire FBI (you don’t), here you go, knock yourself out:

And finally, Donald Trump is very lonely ever since his best friend/bodyguard Keith Schiller quit. :(

Trump says the Oval Office feels “empty” now, AWWWW SAD.

Trump could be reunited with Big Keith, of course, if he simply resigned the presidency and never showed his face in public again.

Think of it, Donald! You and Big Keith hanging out all day and tickling each other’s hair and watchin’ TV! No mean John Kelly pressuring you to “go to work”! A majority of Americans happy for the first time since November 8, 2016!

It would be beautiful.

We are just making suggestions.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Are you a good Wonker who sends us money by Amazon? Well not anymore you’re not, because Amazon done fucked our payment system. Would you be so great as to re-sign with Paypal or Stripe? K we love you bye.

[New York Times]

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  • WotsAllThisThen

    Here’s a tip for all you guys. When you deny watching a show, do not follow up by naming everyone on the show. It didn’t work for me and Girls, and it doesn’t work for Trump and CNN.

    • armed_bears

      I was saying the same thing to Barney Rubble just the other day.

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      Girls is acceptable only if preceded by Gilmore. Or possibly Golden.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • MynameisBlarney

    Speakin’ O’ Crazy….

    I’d totally watch this.

    https://i.imgur.com/8BoQsMM.jpg

    • therblig

      not shiny enough, gorram it.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Cures their sudden but inevitable betrayal!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Groot libel.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    We need that Catheter Cowboy more than ever….

  • coozledad

    Weaponized racist gramps shows White House visitors where he shits rocks.

  • Oblios_Cap

    accused James B. Comey, the former F.B.I. director, of employing tactics typically reserved for Mafia cases

    …Russian mafia, Italian mafia. You say pot-a-toe, I say pah-tah-toe.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      You say Rooshia, I say spaghettios….

      • Oblios_Cap

        Actually, I think the Italians are more principled.

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          They were just altpolice back in the day…

        • Latverian Diplomat

          At least they had an ethos?

      • Erala Contratista

        Uh, oh…

    • Suttree

      Something something RICO Act motherfucker.

    • Bobathonic

      Wo do you say “omerta” in Russian?

  • Suttree

    See! Turnip puts in a full work week. Of watching news.

    • therblig

      a full work week…every 3 months or so

  • Latverian Diplomat

    You can read an awful lot of documents if they are all one pagers with a couple of pictures and a bulleted list.

  • ManchuCandidate

    4-8 hrs of TV a day? What a good for nothing Lazy fucker. Fine if you’re a Trumpanzee sitting on his/her lazy boy pooping in their depends and waiting for the Grim Reaper to take them. Not fine for the most powerful office in the world.

    This is the Preznitsee run by a lazyass crank and elected by lazyass intellectually deficient cranks. No wonder the Trumpanzees love him.

  • Daniel

    Typo in the title: Evan meant “Mergle Haematurg”.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Maerwa Hadlkang (literally did that by smashing my fingers on the keyboard lol)

  • Msgr_MΩment

    69,873: his semen tastes of failure and regret.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg
  • Latverian Diplomat

    “I do not watch 8 hours of television. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m applying for a free scooter, looking into a reverse mortgage on Trump Tower, and calling Goldline about that Fort Knox situation.”
    — Donald Trump

    • kareemachan

      …”and then I need to get some of those pillows while the special offer is still good!”

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        “… and call my doctor when those symptoms occur!”

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        “And get Kelly to get me the new Action Seal Team Six set…it comes with a HUMMv that has real action fire rockets.”

    • grindstone

      Polished catheters are the best catheters.

  • ariel_gee_398

    You know, “documents” is a pretty weird word for Trump to use there. Being a lawyer type person, I can’t help but wonder if the word was on his brain because his lawyers were telling him about all the documents being produced responsive to Mueller’s many many subpoenas and doc requests.

  • memzilla Ω

    Hey gang, you know what I could spend 8 hours a day watching?
    THE MOTHERFUCKING IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS, THAT’S WHAT.

    • Suttree

      No drinking games needed.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        You know Trump would use all the “DRINK!” words in the first three lines of his opening statement.

    • coozledad

      Especially if it’s a variety show, and the June Taylor piss hookers perform.

      • Heather

        Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
        On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It Sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        fv386:
        ➽➽
        ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleDailyConsumerMartJornalsJobsReport1/easy/jobs ★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫:::::fv386lhhhh

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Believe me, the House Judiciary hearings in the summer of ’74 were must see TV.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Of course, back then, we’d all had required civics classes in high school and understood what we were watching.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        HST wrote a bit about swimming in a pool, drinking beer, and watching them on a nearby tv set.

        Sounded fun then, sounds fun now (well not, winter now, but you know what I mean)

        • Paul

          I’m so fucking old I thought of HST as Harry Truman at first.

          • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

            There’s another HST?

          • Paul

            Apparently a whippersnapper.

      • Michael Smith

        I read The Invisible Bridge, about the GOP’s transition from Nixon to Reagan, and it begins with an extensive analysis of Watergate’s effect on American voters (a more in-depth look than was found in the author’s previous book, Nixonland, which I had expected would be the one to cover it).

        The author credits Sam Ervin and the Watergate Commission’s slow, careful but relentless dismantling of Nixon’s reputation as a conservative icon and exemplar of American bootstrap honesty on national television.

        It wasn’t the burglary itself that brought Nixon down. It was all the dishonest, immoral and illegal activities that his own friends admitted he was involved in. That was what turned his loyal public against him and convinced him that he didn’t have the political capital to fight impeachment anymore.

        That and maybe a promise of a pardon from Ford.

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Ford promised Nixon a pardon. If that’s what it took to get Carter to pardon all of the “Nouvelle Canadiens” and let them come home it was worth it.

        • Gigglesnort

          And the tapes. Having Nixon swearing like a sailor on the tapes, and sitting around discussing hush money for the burglars with the frickin’ Attorney General, was pretty bad. Also, although at the time it didn’t ring a lot of bells, Nixon’s racism and anti-Semitism came out pretty clearly on tape.

      • Joe T.

        They pissed me off back then, ’cause they interrupted Saturday morning cartoons.

    • NastyBossetti

      I’m hoarding vacation time for this purpose.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      I remember warching Watergate between classes. the Gen Xers got to watch Clinton’s impeachment. This Generation should get a similar opportunity.

      • Seek

        I watched Iran Contra on the TV at the bar on campus. It was the most cynicism inducing experience of my life.

    • onedollarjuana

      Did that in 1975. Well, hearings leading up to a possible impeachment.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    sigh…

    That’s all I got.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Meanwhilst, in the Dept. Of State.

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029963136

    • Oblios_Cap

      What State Department? Things have really gotten foggy as out diplomacy races to reach rock bottom.

      • Bobathonic

        ISWYDT

        • Oblios_Cap

          All jobs make me feel that way, these days.

  • kilgoretrout

    Too bad he didn’t spend 8 hours a day on Wonkette like me.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      It would require reading, vocabulary, and comprehension skills not in evidence.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Getting up late, watching TV all day and drinking all the soda pop. I think I could do that President gig.

    Lemmie try my chops: SOMETHING’S HAPPENING EVAN! YOU’RE NOT REPORTING IT EVAN!

    I’m gonna go abuse some government agencies on Twitter now, and maybe demand somebody in the media get fired.

    • Nockular cavity

      Yeah, how do you get that gig? Because it’s obviously not through skill, intelligence, experience, courage, or popularity.

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        There are ways. Have your people call my people. Maybe we arrange something.
        – V.V. Puitn

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      IKR?

      Meanwhile I continue to look for a job that won’t make me want to off myself after a month.

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        I thought things were looking promising at the internship place, no?

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          they are – but being gummint office, i have to wait for an opening or, if only, they create a new position.

          I’m not hopeful on either front.

          • Martini Ambassador 🍸

            Keeping fingers crossed.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            thanks friend! Just feeling down this morning…right before christmas and fuckin’ broke again.

            : (

    • Courser_Resistance

      There are days I do that. Except I get up early and don’t drink soda.

      Those days are very BAD days for me.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    He never watches CNN or MSNBC but he keeps tweeting about the stuff they supposedly get wrong. Riiiiight…

    • Oblios_Cap

      And he never lies, either.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I’ve always been mystified by people who insist on watching news channels that constantly piss them off. WTF, dude, do you seriously want to get your rage on 24/7? I’m too lazy for that shit.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      People tell him. The best people.

  • Ruhe

    Evan, you need to get on Morning Joe to make these suggestions of yours. I’m convinced that at this point Joe and Mika are pretty much speaking directly to Donald every moment they’re on the air, trying their best to tweak him into tweeting.

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    “. . . and at night I am too busy curled up in bed reading collected pieces of paper that are bound together and have a front and back cover.”

  • Bananas Foster

    Egads, if this is Monday morning, it’s going to be a hell of a week.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Maggie Haberman may be a vile collaborationist hack, but if she says Donald the dotard watches eight fucking hours of Faux Noise a day, I believe her, simply because Donald the dotard denies it. Because Donald the dotard makes Tommy Flanagan look like George Washington.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    What Dolt means is that, yes, he does watch tv for 8 hours, but it is not necessarily turned on for that entire time.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This caused me to startle the cat.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        You know you will pay for that early tomorrow morning.

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      I’m thinking, he’s only watching TV for 8 hours yeah, and before this boring job he used to get to watch 18 hours worth.

      The TV lobe in his brain is starting to atrophy, relieving some of the pressure on his frontal cortex. The occasional rational thought that now occasionally burbles up the surface is kind of scary and he wants them to stop.

  • Daniel

    As someone who doesn’t like Coke, diet or normal, I am haunted by one question I cannot answer but which the answer I imagine is almost Lovecraftian:

    What effect would 12 Diet Cokes have on a person’s shit?

    • Oblios_Cap

      You’ll have to ask his physician; but I hear it makes him the healthiest person evah to be presidenting.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        And that’s not just the word of a gastro-enterologist talking out of his own ass…he’s talking out of someone else’s ass.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      It makes your shit come out as tweets.

    • anon_the_great

      Well, something’s gotta push all that burnt steak through his GI. I bet the various acids in the Coke helps

    • Me not sure

      It would fuck ones shit up.
      https://youtu.be/6ig-RShZ6m4

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Excess caffeine can cause diarrhea. Over time, the body can build a high tolerance for it though.

      That much carbonated water probably makes him very gassy.

      • Daniel

        So he’s possibly shitting like a fire hose and chronically gassy.

        He really is a baby, isn’t he?

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          Whines and cries incessantly, doesn’t sleep through the night, makes a mess everywhere he goes.

          Eyup.

    • PubOption

      The aspartame in Diet Coke can cause insomnia, so it might explain some of his 3am tweets.

  • Me not sure

    I I had as much caffeine in my system as 12 Diet Cokes would deliver, I wouldn’t sleep much either.

  • Non-Threatening Ron

    So when does Donnie go full Howard Hughes?

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      you’re assuiming he isn’t already

      I’m DREADING the inevitable NYC attack tweet.

    • kilgoretrout

      I noticed his fingernails are getting distressingly long

      • anon_the_great

        To make up for his stubby fingers…

      • Me not sure

        Howard Hughes syndrome? Check the closet for Mason Jars.

    • Ωbjectifier

      You don’t want to know what he is doing with all those empty Coke bottles.

    • Suttree

      That’s why work doesn’t start until 9:30. It’s damn hard to get those tissue boxes off of his feet.

      • cmd resistor

        Today’s first agenda item is lunch:
        Lunch with Vice President Mike Pence and Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue
        · Presentation of the Friends of Zion award with Faith Leaders
        · Meeting with Congressman Bill Shuster
        · Signing ceremony for Space Policy Directive – 1
        · Swearing-in Ceremony for Jamie McCourt as the U.S. Ambassador to France and the U.S. Ambassador to Monaco

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          Space Policy Directive – 1 sounds like a movie MST3K would take on.

    • Michael Smith

      A crazy old guy with probable mental and physical health problems being enabled a by coterie of obsequious leeches (Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell) who are disgusted by him but are willing to put that aside for now in return for the money and power they can accumulate by using his name?

      I don’t know, probably not for a while.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      So we can throw rolls of paper towels at/to him?

    • Fartknocker

      When he starts calling AF1 the Spruce Goose the WH chef better stock up on KFC, Happy Meals and ketchup.

  • Shieldmaidenwannabe

    I can’t do much today. I’ll be way too busy reading documents.

  • Fartknocker

    My favorite excerpt is Dampnut has maps in a room showing all the counties where he supposedly won as his perpetual memorial to beating Hillary thanks to the Ruskies, bots and a fucked up electoral college. We’re winning, even though his approval rating is < 35%. I'm pretty tired of this shit storm.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      That map is a collection of counties where sheep outnumber people, and he thinks it means he won most of the country.

  • Marceline

    I love how hard Pirro tries to squint her botox frozen face to look intense. Dana Loesch does the same thing in those NRA terror video she likes to make. If you put them both in one video it would be like a modern remake of “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” but with guns.

    • kareemachan

      Nasty. But true.

  • Michael Smith

    Its like Trump was trying to think to himself “What is a President supposed to be doing all day rather than watching TV? …. Hmm.. documents, yes… reading a lot of documents I bet.”

    • Ghenghis McCann

      He saw that in ‘The West Wing’.

      • anon_the_great

        He’s never seen the West Wing

        • Ghenghis McCann

          True, but I couldn’t resist the obvious joke.

        • Notreelyhelping

          Too much talking.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          “Explain it to me like I’m a three year old.”

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            Still over his head.

    • kilgoretrout

      He thinks position papers refer to the Karma Sutra.

    • GoutMachine

      DUDE: Huh? Oh. Yeah. Tape deck. Couple of Credence tapes. And there was a, uh. . . my briefcase.

      YOUNGER COP: And in the briefcase?

      DUDE: Papers. Just papers. You know, my papers. Business papers.

      YOUNGER COP: And what do you do, sir?

      DUDE: I’m unemployed.

    • james crubb

      Maybe they are ‘historical documents’.

  • arglebargle

    Trump should go back to selling knives.

  • Nockular cavity

    they sent Trump a bunch of fact-checking questions, and the TV viewing was one of them.

    Of course, he didn’t even acknowledge receiving the questions, until they broadcast them on TV.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Don’t worry folks, turmp knows a guy that knows a guy that can get moon rockets on the cheap.

    https://www.rawstory.com/2017/12/trump-to-start-process-of-sending-americans-back-to-moon-white-house/?comments=disqus

    • TJ Barke

      Shrub said the same shit 17 years ago.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        None of them want to commit the resources necessary to make it happen. Too busy cutting taxes for the parasites at the top.

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          Cost of Apollo program: $25.4 billion
          ‘Government waste!’
          Cost of GOP tax bill: $1400 billion
          ‘Make America Great Again!’

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Trump to start process of sending Americans back to moon White House

      I’m sorry, I’ll read that again.

      Trump to start process of sending Americans back to moon: White House

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Is this part of the whole “NASA should be focused on space and not things like climate change” spiel?

    • Notreelyhelping

      Why does this rocket say “MADE IN KOREA”?

  • TJ Barke

    I wonder if Donnie’s approaching physical at Walter Reed will be his out…

    • Oblios_Cap

      They probably won’t report on that.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        The administration promised to do that without their normal resistance or bullshit. Almost like they were concerned about it too.
        Get the tax bill passed and hustle the rotting Halloween pumpkin out of office on health concerns?

  • anon_the_great

    Twitler is not the President. The Navy ignores his orders. His Secty of State calls him a moron, doesn’t deny it, and survives. His staff treat him as an emotionally damaged imbecile. Now we learn he doesn’t even do the fuckin job.

    If you were a nihilist out destroy the Presidency I’m not sure how you could improve on the current wreaking crew

    • TJ Barke

      Short of death squads.

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        And he appears interested in getting himself a few of those now.

      • anon_the_great

        No, I think the damage is deeper than that.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      For all his bluster, he’s a weak man.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    It is safe to assume that Trump spends every waking hour out of public view in front of a TV.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      In Russia Television watches you.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Here in Amerika, it’s the pesky microwave ovens!

  • idiotboy

    Maybe a buzzer for White Russions would you know, calm him down.

  • anon_the_great

    Dear God.
    Pirro is plagiarizing Goebbels

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      You say plagiarize, she says “homage”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s where they go when the going gets rough.

      • kilgoretrout

        When we go low they go Heil.

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          <golf clap>

    • TJ Barke

      This is because she’s fascist trash.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    What do we need to do to have him watch the other 16 hours a day?

    Oh, right, more photos & footage of himself, with periodic titty.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      He can supply his own titty now, it’s quite a time saver.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Upfist (and barf).

  • BMW

    Pirro sounds like she is off her meds. And if she’s never bee on meds, she needs to be.

    • Bananas Foster

      There are no meds for stupid.

      (Also no meds for fascist.)

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Though a steaming cup of shut-the-fuck-up is often beneficial for people with that affliction.

    • Christopher Story

      Pirro is the sound of a woman who’s never been sexually satisfied in her life

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    OT: Twitter on why it didn’t shut down Trump’s anti-muslim/Britain first videos – a boycott against twitter is starting (by the one person I know on twitter)

    Asked why the original tweets have not been deleted, a Twitter (TWTR) spokesperson said:

    “To help ensure people have an opportunity to see every side of an issue, there may be the rare occasion when we allow controversial content or behavior which may otherwise violate our rules to remain on our service because we believe there is a legitimate public interest in its availability.”

    “Each situation is evaluated on a case by case basis and ultimately decided upon by a cross-functional team,” the spokesperson added.

    The spokesperson declined to answer additional questions from CNNMoney.

    Twitter appears to have acknowledged, however, that the tweets constitute “sensitive media,” which means they depict “some forms of graphic violence or adult content.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      @jack can go fuck himself. Twitter put me on a 24 hour semi-timeout for telling Melania to get her dotard husband off his fat ass and do something about Puerto Rico.

  • Crystalclear12

    And that was your “We’re all doomed” daily report.
    Tune in tomorrow to find out what new position you will be fucked in.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      He has all the best Pokémons. The best.

    • Suttree

      I call bullshit on that kat picture. It is alive and has the proper number of limbs.

  • puredog
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Filled with toxic waste.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Like a Macy’s Day Parade Balloon.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

    • Iron Monkey

      Echo chamber,

  • BigCSouthside

    Pirro is disgustingly obsessed with Hillary. Probably because Hillary stomped the shit out of her in 06

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      And Liddle’ Babby Donnie is obsessed with …
      – Obama for mocking him at the WHCD in 2012
      – Hillary for getting more votes
      – the NFL for defeating his idiotic USFL
      – DOJ for making him rent to black people
      – black people for being black
      – Hillary for getting more votes
      – Obama for getting bigger inauguration crowd
      – Mexicans for being brown
      – Hillary for getting more votes

  • lucidamente
    • The Wanderer

      Teeveeception!

  • One of the stories out of the Obama admnistration was the efforts of his chiefs of staff to try to manage the amount the President had to read in briefing papers, and it still was the equivalent of a large novel Obama was reading each night. I imagine Trump is reading something on the order of “My first book” for infants, if that.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      ‘See Roy Moore run. Run, Roy, run.’

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        ‘See Jane run. Run from Roy Moore, Jane, run.’

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This is the difference between an actual President and a pretend President.

    • Daniel

      See Don.
      See Don run.
      Run, Don, run!

      Don is running for President.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      They’re probably those soft books so he can chew on them during the briefing.

      • Daniel

        They float in the bath also too.

    • natoslug

      Mein Kampfing with Dick and Jane?

    • BadKitty904
      • Non-Threatening Ron

        That ‘Reading makes a country great’ thing behind his head is amusingly ironic.

        • BadKitty904

          So. Very. Apt.

      • wavicles

        THAT’S the kind of determination we need right now in our Prez!

    • Erala Contratista

      A large, boring and tedious novel with footnotes.
      And no pictures.

  • Also, if Trump resigns he could have ALL TEH PEE HOOKERS. So many pee hookers.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    if the daily news get to trump, this press conference by women he harassed/assaulted may actually make his fat head pop. (metaphorically of course)

  • ArgieBargie

    In June, according to a longtime adviser, he excitedly called friends to say he had the perfect tweet to neutralize the Russia investigation. He would call it a “witch hunt.” They were unimpressed.

    To be fair, it works wonders with his army of drooling imbeciles.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      The hardest part was convincing his base that hunting witches was bad, for some reason.

    • Anna Rompage

      He came up with that one you know? Witch hunt, he came up with that all on his own… He just made it up out of thin air…

      • Skeptical_thinker

        And he is the first person to use that phrase.

        • Daniel

          Though I have heard Frederick Douglass use it more and more.

        • Andre

          It’s true. People have used the words “witch” and “hunt”, but as with the combination of “fake” and “news”, Prednisent Wordsworth von Tennyson coined “witch hunt”.

          • Suttree

            It is even more beautiful than “cellar door”.

      • ArgieBargie

        When it comes to FAKE NEWS, Trump knows how to “prime the pump.”

      • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

        Trump invented all of his best words.

      • jodyleek

        “…made it up out of thin air…”
        But enough about his hairdo.

  • Anna Rompage

    How long before Donad Trimp has an aide write an executive order demanding that all precedents, from here on out, only get their news from Faux & Fiends, must keep the magic diet coke button on his oval office desk, and requires all formal thanksgiving dinners to be a 20 piece meal deal from KFC?

    • shivaskeeper

      The thing about EO’s is they are not really binding for the next incumbent. It is easy to write a memo basically saying, “Yeah, ignore that one.”

    • natoslug

      I’m all for making sure every meal Trump has is a 20 piece meal deal from KFC.

      • jodyleek

        I’ll Double Down on that!

  • MynameisBlarney

    Jones leading the pedo by 10 points according to this poll…

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10141936372

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Sorry, power failure, we’re back up and we’ll take care of that.
      – Russia

      • MynameisBlarney

        Yeah, no shit.
        I bet they’re waiting to flip the switch at the last minute.

        • Anna Rompage

          Nah, Russia doesn’t need to intervene in this one… The voters of Alabama will choose the correct candidate.

          • Blackest Noobs

            which in their minds would be the pedophile…better a pedophile than a Democrat.

    • kilgoretrout

      Hope it’s right. But knowing the evil that is fox it’s probably just a ratfuck

    • Anna Rompage

      I wouldn’t count on anything until the sister mother of the fat lady sings…

    • Bananas Foster

      I don’t trust any polling on this race.

      It’s all about turnout.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I heard they’re expecting a WHOPPING 20-25% turnout.

        • Suttree

          /FFS! Even with this clusterfuck going on?

          • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

            Special elections are always awful for turnout. Plus couple it with the holidays, the weather in Alabama lately…

          • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

            And the voter suppression headwinds.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            The Alabama Secretary of State has been working overtime generating those headwinds.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          More Alabamans will go to Walmart than the polls.

          • therblig

            don’t you listen to npr – dollar general is where it’s at in rural areas. walmarts are a 20 mile drive, DG is only 5. they’re opening 14,000 new stores next year.

            and in 2019, they’ll begin selling soylent green.

      • Blackest Noobs

        i wouldn’t bet any money on these polls, they are not the best of polling going on in Alabama….would a Jones win be an upset….You’re damn right it would be, Skippy.

        is it likely? probably not despite these poll numbers.

        • Blackest Noobs

          now mind you i am not an anti-poller…i believe in polls but these polls in AL have been pretty much haphazardly thrown together.

          POLLS do work when done right and when the media and us interpret it correctly. like in the last election,the polls were not wrong, they kept pointing out there was huge number of undecided voters and Trump had a one in six chance of winning.

      • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

        It’s a Fox “News” poll. And before you say “Even Fox says Jones is winning”, Fox does good, solid polling.

    • Marceline

      That’s a Fox News poll. I think they are trying to drive GOP turnout.

    • BigCSouthside

      Unless there’s a clandestine democratic voting bloc out there, i think pedobear is going to win

    • Courser_Resistance

      Not sure I believe that coming from Faux News. They’re probably just trying to GOTV for Moore

    • Notreelyhelping

      I’ve been reading all morning that Moore’s going to win, that everything would have to break Jones’ way, yadda yadda. Meanwhile, Moore’s apparently hiding in Pennsylvania, which prompted the following from his campaign:

      Moore’s campaign declined repeated requests to discuss his whereabouts and refused to say whether he had in fact gone to Philadelphia.

      Him and W.C. Fields. Yes, indeed.

      • MynameisBlarney

        He must have a new gf up there?

        • Notreelyhelping

          I hesitate to speculate.

  • Mr. Blobfish
    • Martini Ambassador 🍸
      • Andre

        The look you get when you hope no one can smell that you just soiled ANOTHER adult diaper in the past hour.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        That photo is so great. It’s painfully obvious that it has nothing to do with actually writing anything…so obviously Donald.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          don’t forget, that was allegedly him writing his SOTU speech – at what turned out to be some secretary’s desk at Mar-A-Lago….everything is a lie wiht this guy.

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        I fucking hate that pic.

      • Odd Jørgensen

        poor feller looks completely lost, “where am I? Why am I doing this? What am I doing?”

    • Daniel

      You can’t see it, but underneath this desk is the horrifying results of a
      diet of 12 diet cokes and a bucket of fried chicken every day for ten
      months.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Photo found in dictionary next to the entry for “Backpfeifengesicht”.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      I’ve seen more clutter on the display desks at IKEA.

      • Daniel

        I don’t know, there’s that big pile of orange peel and industrial waste someone’s put on there.

    • jodyleek

      Their gonna have to strip and refinish that desk to get all the chicken grease and trump slime off it.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Who’s got “Diet Coke spilled on TV accident” in the pool of “Ways Trump Presidency Will End”?

    • kilgoretrout

      I’m going with Melania bathside with a toaster.

      • Notreelyhelping

        Shocking.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        at the climax to White Rabbit

        • efoveks

          Extra points for style!

    • Bananas Foster

      Oh, come on.

      The only fitting end is for him to choke on a chicken bone.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Chicken bone? With Donnie it would be a whole chicken.

        • Bananas Foster

          Or maybe it’ll just be Putin’s bone.

    • george lastrapes

      Mercers, Kochs, and Princes, among others, decide on the Pence option, and argue among themselves over a dignified exit for the POOTUS.

  • Marceline

    This is why I don’t worry about Trump in 2020. Right now it’s a contest between what takes Trump down first: Mueller or natural causes.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      They could both be working a little faster, IMHO.

      • efoveks

        Agreed. If we have to deal with Pence, give him enough rope to hang himself before 2020.

    • puredog

      It’d be a real shame if he had to be taken down with votes, not least because that worked so well the first time.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        65 million vs. 62 million. Votes didn’t work, especially when you’ve got three key counties in three key states where the count is hinky and can’t be replicated.

    • Christopher Story

      It would be just like Trump to up and die on everyone just as Mueller is closing in, stiffing his investors and leaving the rest of us holding the bag, just to escape being held accountable for his actions.

    • Andre

      Natural Causes/Arteriosclerosis 2020!!!!1211!!

      • jodyleek

        Apoplexy/Votes 2018!!!!!!!1!

        • Arolpin

          Clogged arteries/heart attack 2017!!!!!

    • BadKitty904

      What’s the hold-up?

    • wide_stance_hubby

      The question is, which would be most great to watch again (and again)?

    • george lastrapes

      Recalling Stalin and the doctors- afraid to treat him, afraid not to, afraid of even having an opinion, and suspected of the crime of being competent while Jewish.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        And that worked out really well for Stalin…

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Jared Kushner, his son-in-law and senior adviser, has told associates that Mr. Trump, deeply set in his ways at age 71, will never change. Rather, he predicted, Mr. Trump would bend, and possibly break, the office to his will.

    Remember when we were a nation under the rule of law? Ah, the good old days…

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Better men than him have tried to do that. None have succeeded.

      • BigCSouthside

        We could try “enhanced interrogation” techniques

    • BadKitty904

      Well, as long as he doesn’t wear a tan suit…

      • efoveks

        Orange really is more his color… We can’t get him in one of those soon enough, IMHO.

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          Maybe things are taking so long because they had to make a special 6XL jumpsuit for him? You KNOW custom takes longer.

    • Katamount

      That’s how democratic institutions work, right?

    • nightmoth

      Oh, THAT rubber band’s gonna break!

  • jodyleek

    No television! No television! You’re the television!

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      There are two relevant Dr Who episodes…

      ETA: At least.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    “Go say ‘good morning’ to your father, Barron.”

    “Wait…that fat tub of shit in front of the tv with a face full of fried chicken is my FATHER?”

    • Legally, yes. Biologically?

      • Erala Contratista

        Why did Drmptinnitus name his kid after one of his (comically) fake alter ids??

        Gee, spelhceck did a number on turnip’s name, there!

        My tablet is haunted!!!

      • nightmoth

        I think that was the devil’s bargain Melania made. Give me lots of money and one kid and I’ll be your arm candy and keep my mouth shut.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      ‘Well, he thinks he is.’

    • Daniel

      “No baron! No baron! You’re the baron!”
      “…you read Dune?”
      “Bannon barfed a you know a partly it was partly digested on to the desk. I had Kellyanne read it to me. Pretty smart.”

      • Katamount

        Despite the obvious physical comparison to be drawn between Baron Harkonnen and Trump, the Baron was actually intelligent enough to manipulate the right people into achieving his aims (Dr. Yueh, Rabban etc). Trump is basically propped up only by people who want to extract money from him or the system. Once neither is tenable, he’s gone.

  • GoutMachine

    Christ, you can’t drag yourself to work by 9:30? You live in the fucking office you lazy-ass twat.

    • BadKitty904

      OUR office. Us. We the People. We own that office.

    • Katamount

      Not when Giggling Couch Tumors Anonymous is on!

  • george lastrapes

    Insidious. Diabolically clever. If anyone else thought the teevee was talking directly to them they would be deemed delusional. The fact that the teevee IS actually talking to the PeeResident does not make him sane, however. And the teevee is as close as we get nowdays to the Burning Bush.

  • Christopher Story

    “Not tonight, dear, I’m reading documents.”

    • Ghenghis McCann

      ‘Aw not again, Melania.’

  • Ladies going after justice live:

    http://www.cnn.com/specials/live-video-2?adkey=bn

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    And I thought Obama was supposed to be the lazy, shiftless one.

    • Christopher Story

      You forget all the golf he played while in office

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        Not only has the Tangerine Turd played more golf, Obama’s total strokes over 8 years has already been surpassed by him!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, of course. Look at his skin!

    • nightmoth

      And uppity. Trump hits the trifecta of racist stereotypes, but oops! He’s a white man, so it doesn’t count. Also, Obama was the exact opposite of all of those, as well as a good family man. Excuse, I need to go punch something.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        But he put his feet on the desk. And was born in Kenya.

  • BadKitty904

    How long have Turmp & Schiller been an item?

  • Daniel

    The “documents” thing was absurd. He used the word like he’d just learnt it, and as though “documents” is a term only used to describe daunting, intellectually difficult works.

  • Katamount

    That’s great, Maggie. How about you try some actual journalism next time? You know… the kind of journalism that makes the powerful uncomfortable because the news is stuff they don’t want the public the know about? *coughRussianmobmoneylaundering*

    Habers gonna habe and all that….

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    OMG New Ben Garrison cartoon is out. This one is aimed at Alabama voters and has the Rothschild puppet-master arm of the deep state!

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      I can picture it. Don’t feel obligated to link to it.

      • Katamount

        I just hope Orgy Island makes a comeback.

    • Gigglesnort

      So, the Rothschilds are worse than nutjob pedophiles?

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Aren’t they Jooz.?

        • Résistance Land Shark Ω

          (((coastal elites)))

    • therblig

      i sure wish all those god fearin’ muricans who oppose socialism would tell SSA that they no longer want to receive checks.

      • Suttree

        They would have to understand social security to begin with.

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          ‘Money comes in, money goes out, you can’t explain it.

    • Suttree

      I miss your old avatar. :(

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        Yeah I’m back at work. Let me dig it up.

  • jaspersdad

    While it is embarrassing for Americans to have a fucking wingnut like Moore elected to the Senate, I’m trying to see the bright side. Any pretence Republicans have of tolerance and equality will be obliterated. Make Moore the face of the GOP and their vacated morality and ethics.

    • Doug Langley

      You mean, Trump didn’t manage to do that?

    • Suttree

      Find me a republican that has given a fuck about morality and ethics in the past 18 years. Their voters don’t give a fuck.

      • jaspersdad

        As a Canadian that’s what troubles me about the fierce arguments going on between different factions of the left/centre left. The GOP is united. No crazy is too crazy. You have to find common ground and unite. They will exploit divisions and turn you against each other.

        • bupkus231

          Too late – and I don’t care. Fuck those assholes.

    • bupkus231

      …Alabama’s own homegrown conservative political stars are still publicly repudiating him.
      If Alabama’s Republican voters back Moore by big enough margins for him to win, it won’t just confirm the power of partisanship, or the evangelical culture of sexual abuse, or their willingness to tolerate even the most morally repugnant candidates.
      It will also confirm that even in Alabama, conservatism has gotten worse and more virulent. It will confirm that the Southern resistance to carpetbagging political figures isn’t really about outside interference, but about protecting white male supremacy.
      And it will confirm that, at long last, the rest of the country shouldn’t bother ever to care again what these so-called “values voters” say or believe. When you’ve gone too far for even Alabama’s top Republicans, that’s saying something else.

      Takeaway from David ATkins at “Washington Monthly”
      Link: https://washingtonmonthly.com/2017/12/10/will-alabama-republicans-follow-carpetbagger-trump-or-their-own-republican-senators/

    • TakingAmes

      I’m almost (ALMOST) looking forward to hanging Senator Roy *vomits in mouth* Moore ’round all the necks in 2018. Bring that ALLEGED kiddy-diddler on.

  • mancityRed6

    remember when the tv comedians made fun of W’s work schedule? the nap, the workout, being “home” before 5?
    we were all so innocent then.

    • Doug Langley

      I really, really loathe Trump for making us say nice things about Dubya.

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        IK, R? (BTW, when do classes start for you?)

        • Doug Langley

          Jan 15th, but need to prepare before that. Students get access to the LMS the Friday before, so syllabus and everything needs to be set by then. If I’m lucky, the warehouse job will last to first week of Jan and I get a week to change gears.

      • Katamount

        And you know, you just know, that the next Republican nominee is going to have us saying “Wow that Donald Trump guy wasn’t that bad compared to this asshole….”

        • mancityRed6

          don’t even start with that.

    • BadKitty904

      “Clearing brush”…

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        then, when he was out of office, IMMEDIATELY sold teh ranch and moved ot a posh Houston suburb.

        • BadKitty904

          No longer needed the props and backdrop for photo-ops.

        • Doug Langley

          Dallas. I was living in Dallas at the time and was aghast to learn he was literally moving in down the street.

          • Covfefe

            You could afford to live in that neighborhood while teaching at a community college? Does that college have any openings?

          • Doug Langley

            I was living in a cheapie apt on Preston Rd. But just go 2 or 3 miles south and you get that ritzy neighborhood. Had a number of odd jobs at the time, could barely pay rent as it was.

          • PubOption

            Preston Road, aka the street of a thousand potholes. I remember it well.

          • Daniel

            You want to see the number of holes on Blackburn Road.

          • Button

            Aren’t they rather small, though?

          • Daniel

            That’s part of the reason counting all of them takes so long.

        • Erala Contratista

          Really? Thought Dallas got the honors. Poppy and Bar are in Houston.
          Doesn’t matter.
          They aren’t in NorCal!

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            ah, my bad – they’re the same as far this Texan is concerned.

            ; p

          • Erala Contratista

            Me, too, also.
            And I’m not a Texan.

            But Texas is lovely.
            In the spring.
            Passing through.

        • rumsey

          I think he’s in a Dallas suburb. His father’s in Houston. No city big enough to house two Geo. Bushes at the same time.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Can you feature Dolt in the Texas sun, in motion?

        • BadKitty904

          No for more than 30 seconds or so…

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    goddamit

    The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday refused to hear an appeal by a Georgia security guard who said she was harassed and forced from her job because she is a lesbian, avoiding an opportunity to decide whether a federal law that bans gender-based bias also outlaws discrimination based on sexual orientation.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      we were JUST talking about this argument last week:

      The case hinged on an argument that is currently being litigated in different parts of the United States and has divided lower courts: whether Title VII, which bans employment discrimination based on sex, also outlaws bias based on sexual orientation. Title VII also bars employment discrimination based on race, color, religion and national origin.

      • Doug Langley

        Is all that connected to Title 9? I just had to sit through a long training thingie for the community college.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          i genuinely don’t know.

          • Doug Langley

            It deals with sexual harassment at higher education and what instructors need to do if they run across it.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            ah ,this is discrimination – so related but different (they were taught to us in one class)

          • Doug Langley

            Also had to grind through a training thing on FERPA, which governs confidential info about students. It gets complicated.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            fun! /s

          • Doug Langley

            For a legal eagle like you, maybe. Me, I have to remember all this stuff because if something happens and I do the wrong thing, could get fired.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            nah, I’m not THAT much of a legal beagle. Some shit is just boring to me, but I see your point.

            We had a HIPAA presentation to sit through – I just mostly reduced it to, “don’t show nothing to nobody”, that seems to work.

          • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

            Just remember, nobody can sue for monetary damages on a FERPA violation, so it’s become a pretty lame law.

          • Doug Langley

            Perhaps, but as an adjunct it takes very little to kick me out.

        • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

          Both Title VII and Title IX discuss sex-based discrimination, though Title VII is specific to employment and Title IX is specific to education. For example, a female professor who is denied tenure may sue under both Title VII (employment) and Title IX (education) grounds.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            this is ONE of the reasons I love you guys.

            : D

          • Doug Langley

            Yeah, it’s like tapping into the wisdom of the universe.

        • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

          Title IX only covers education.

    • Was it her appeal or the company’s?

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        hers, apparently – says she lost at the 11th Circuit.

        • Damn, that sucks

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            yeah, so the lower court ruling stands.
            The case hinged on an argument that is currently being litigated in different parts of the United States and has divided lower courts: whether Title VII, which bans employment discrimination based on sex, also outlaws bias based on sexual orientation. Title VII also bars employment discrimination based on race, color, religion and national origin.

          • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

            It’s rare for the Court not to take a case where there is a circuit split of this magnitude. I wonder if they felt the fact pattern here wasn’t a good one for the high court?

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            i’m not a veteran court watcher – but my instinct was they have something else in the hopper already.

  • Nounverb911

    69872 scoops? Is that all the ice cream in the US?

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Mr. [John] Kelly is trying, quietly and respectfully, to reduce the amount of free time the president has for fiery tweets by accelerating the start of his workday. Mr. Priebus also tried, with only modest success, to encourage Mr. Trump to arrive by 9 or 9:30 a.m.

    Being the child of a military man who saw to it that we always showed up damn-near an hour early for everything, I know this must be driving Kelly batshit.

    GOOD!!!! That’s your fucking dumpster fire to baby sit, Kelly! Have fun now, ya hear!

    • As I recall, the saying was “if you’re 5 minutes early…. you’re late.”

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      If Kelly writes an (honest) memoir after this is all over, I might not be able to resist buying it.

  • Institute For Applied Despair

    Twelve Cokes a day? Our President is a semi-sentient vat of phosphoric acid.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      “semi-sentient” assumes facts not in evidence.

      • Institute For Applied Despair

        I’m trying hard to adopt a more kindly outlook. For the holidays.

        • Résistance Land Shark Ω

          Very nice … me as well. I only call him Donnie Dumbass and not weasel haired ignorant cocksplat.

          • Institute For Applied Despair

            I can feel the warmth.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Phosphoric acid libel.

    • I think semi-sentient may be going too far

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Hey, at leas it’s DIET! At least he’s trying to be health-conscious, right?

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        He’ll be well preserved … no embalming needed.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Esscuse me, but exactly why does John Kelly or anyone else actually want Trump to show up bright & early to the oval office every morning? Why – so he can get a head start on all his great decisions and visionary leadership? So the country gets a few more precious hours of his wisdom and insight?

    Does anyone get that?

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Keep him away from twatler machine

    • Alan

      Keep his hands busy. I hear they’re thinking of a porn channel.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Jared Kushner openly says his father-in-law will destroy the office of the presidency. LOL!

    Hey, you know who else says that very thing? Maggie Haberman and Glenn “only suspended w/r/t stuff I wrote after I got caught” Thrush.

    As he ends his first year in office, Mr. Trump is redefining what it means to be president

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    12-pack a day, huh? If it isn’t caffeine-free, he’s got a stimulant jones. Goes with the no-booze, no drugs thing. Doesn’t want to be depressed in any way. Wants to enjoy the unbearable rightness of being Him.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      and INCREDIBLE headaches if he ever goes too long without one.

      • BadKitty904

        Good.

      • TakingAmes

        Yeah, that caffeine withdrawal headache is a bitch.

    • Daniel

      Stimulant Jones is a character from an unpublished Kerouac manuscript.

      • grindstone

        I thought it was a Schoolhouse Rock character. Huh..

      • bupkus231

        I thought that Basketball Jones renamed himself after he got too old to jump…

    • BadKitty904

      I couldn’t drink a 12-pack of ANYthing per day. Including water.

      • Suttree

        I agree that 12 sodas is too much. Beer on the other hand…….

        • BadKitty904

          <– not a beer drinker. It tastes like mold.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Only the good ones!

          • BadKitty904

            Ew.

          • Andrew Rheinheimer

            The darker stiff tastes like wheat bread. Doesn’t make it taste as good as a Mai Tai though.

          • BadKitty904

            I’ll stick with the family tradition of drinking wine.

          • Andrew Rheinheimer

            Ugh, hate the stuff by itself. So gross, even things like Sangria.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          I read once about an English pub landlord who was trying to appear as if he was one of the boys by drinking with them, but drinking alcohol free beer. He complained to the makers of this brew that after drinking 24 pints of it, he woke up the next morning with a hangover. Their reply was ‘After drinking 24 pints of anything, even water, you’ll end up with a hangover.’

          • Suttree

            NA beer isn’t totally NA either.

        • Perkniticky

          I could probably drink 12 weak ass American beers. 12 proper beers (ale) would be too filling.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        When I was in high school, I could go through a 12-pack of soda during a debate tournament. But that’s because I rarely had time to eat between rounds and needed something to keep from collapsing.
        I was also 15 and believed I was invincible.

      • Alan

        Just flush please. And wash your damn paws.

    • Bananas Foster

      (Confession time. I have probably drunk a 12-pack of Diet Coke in my time.)

    • Rags

      a 12 pack of diet coke contains about the same amount of caffeine as 4 cups of coffee and is considered within the range of safe levels of caffeine to consume.

  • BadKitty904

    It always amuses me and my hubby that Sniffles seems to equate “signing Executive Orders” with “work”. EOs are basically worth as much as the paper they’re written on – signing one doesn’t mean anything’s going to actually happen.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    <— Back to myself.

    • Suttree

      Yay!

    • BadKitty904

      Who were you before?

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        A Libtard Looser.

        • Shan

          Aren’t libtards already loose?

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Wink wink, nudge nudge.

          • Andre

            Apparently not with conservative men, at least according to one of the right wing brain trustees. Tucker Carlson, Jesse Watters or such like.

          • Blackest Noobs
          • Slamtundra

            Yest but I believe Skwerl is saying he or she is one who looses libtards upon the world.

          • Covfefe

            Just be glad that after the tax cuts, there isn’t going to be enough money left for re-education camps.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Nobody told me we were going to be discussing reincarnation, otherwise I’d have read up on it.

        • Alan

          Pretty sure I’ll be reincarnated as dirt.

    • mancityRed6

      viva la revolucion!

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    uhhh, so Raw Storys headline on this is that the defense attornies for 3 guys who tried to bomb a mosque want Trump voters on the jury, which, okay, but check this shit out:

    The AP also says that the defense attorneys believe that this trial “will require jurors to weigh whether the alleged conduct constitutes a crime or whether it is constitutionally protected speech and assembly and the right to bear arms.”

    he three defendants — Gavin Wright, Patrick Stein and Curtis Allen — were arrested last year after officials uncovered an alleged plot to detonate truck bombs at an apartment complex in Garden City, Kansas, on the day after the 2016 presidential election. The three men were each charged with one count of conspiring to use a weapon of mass destruction at the apartment complex.

    • mancityRed6

      they should really keep going with that argument.
      it sounds foolproof
      no, wait, dumb as hell

      • YoBunnyBunny

        sssssssshhhhhhh!

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      So they are going to argue that bombs are now protected free speech and firearms?

      Of course they want dipshits on the jury!

      • mancityRed6

        it’s western Kansas, they really won’t need to actually ask for just tRump voters.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          well, there’s something in that story about an “urban” jury, if you know what they mean, wink wink.

          Don’t know the geography or whether trial was moved or what…

          • YoBunnyBunny

            “What part of jury of MY PEERS don’t your understand!!?!?!”

    • jaspersdad

      The right to bear truck bombs? Yeah, that ain’t gonna fly.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      “When the law is on your side, you bang the law…”

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      I want to know what version of the Constitution this defense attorney is reading from, and whether they’ve told their clients that they’re morons if they think this is gonna fly.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        wheres uncletravellingmatt – he has experience with this kind of nuttiness. (Also too, haven’t seen him in awhile)

    • Alan

      Ummm…I really think guilty by reason of attorney idiocy should be a thing.

    • jesterpunk

      Wait for the NRA to help argue they are just exercising their second amendment rights and standing their ground.

    • MynameisBlarney

      That’s fuckin stupid, even for redeneck turrists.

    • Covfefe

      Lotta military, active and retired, live in Garden City, Kansas.

    • jesterpunk

      “A jury of Trump supporters”

      https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CYeq0LzUMAAKKtT.jpg

    • P’jama Pahnts

      So, if I bomb a christian church that’s just free speech? m’kay

    • Doug Langley

      Yes, I’m sure that’s just what the Founding Fathers intended.

    • Kryptonian Canis

      Well it’s not like they were going to yell “fire” in a crowded theater, I guess.

  • Kryptonian Canis

    “But I don’t get to watch much television, primarily because of documents. I’m reading documents a lot.”

    Oh my god, that might be the most hilarious thing I’ll read all day!

    • BadKitty904

      A direct quote from a President of the United States. Think about that…

      • mancityRed6

        no. oh, god no.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        It’s like the end of “Heart Of Darkness”: “The documents…the documents. Exterminate all the brutes”.

        • Resistor Radio

          “It was the best of documents, it was the worst of documents, it was the document of wisdom, it was the document of foolishness, it was the document of belief, it was the document of incredulity, it was the season of Light Documents, it was the season of Documents of Darkness, it was the spring of documents, it was the documents of despair, we had documents before us, we had nothing before documents, our documents were going direct to Heaven, we were all documenting direct the other way – in short, the document was so far like the present documents, that some of its noisiest documents insisted on its being documented, for good or for evil, in the superlative document of comparison only.“

      • Kryptonian Canis

        The illiterate POTUS. Can’t watch TV, too much reading to do.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        We have a strict policy about thinking overly about things he says.

    • Resistor Radio

      That ranks up there with “all of them, Katie”

      • Erala Contratista

        Which was followed by ” can I get back to you later on that?”

    • YoBunnyBunny

      This is something a middle-schooler would say about doing their homework.

    • Katamount
  • Michael R
    • Ghenghis McCann

      This was very prescient, seeing how much the current POTUS sucks.

  • rocktonsam

    “Reading documents. ” = masturbating, probably.

    • MynameisBlarney

      “reading documents”= someone dumbing it down and repeating it slowly so turmp can understand it.
      A little bit.

      • Snork Maiden

        I have always thought that he has the reading ability of a middle schooler presented with an assignment that has words they don’t understand and thus requires focus and multiple readings. If he can’t understand it the first time then he gives up.

    • Daniel

      “Masturbating, probably” = “fumbling awkwardly with his fly with his stubby fingers while Hope Hicks steams his trousers, and making a mess”.

      • Blackest Noobs

        even more correct, right there. shit, Hicks is probably his official blow-jobber and handjobber or both.

        • Daniel

          I doubt that. I think she knows that’s what he wants, and she is happy to manipulate him with flirting and joking about it, but it’s never going to happen.

          • Blackest Noobs

            she gives no indications she is that smart. maybe she is…but i doubt it.

          • Daniel

            I don’t think it takes a lot of intelligence to outwit Donald Trump.

        • rocktonsam

          Still a job…

        • bupkus231

          Actually, “steams his trousers” sounds like a pretty good euphemism for what you just described.

          “Hey, baybeee – Wanna steam my trousers?!??”

          • therblig

            “So many wrinkles” – HH

          • Daniel

            He’s even dragging Herbert Hoover’s name through the mud.

        • Alan

          I doubt he can get it up given his diet and exercise regimen.

          • Blackest Noobs

            there’s a pill for that.

          • Alan

            So, having no experience with such things, I’ve pondered if that means one can actually get off. Or is that another pill?

          • Blackest Noobs

            another pill, yes, there’s a pill for the pill for the pill.

    • tomamitai

      “Reading documents” = reading Tweets that mention him.

  • Well, if he’s scarfing down Big Macs and Filet-O-Fish (which is the most disgusting thing served by a major chain restaurant) and downing that much caffeine a day, I’m guessing we won’t have to worry about Mr. Trump that much longer.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    primarily because of documents

    Notice he doesn’t reference their content, just the fact that there are pieces of paper he has to look at. I’m thinking the rumor that he can’t read might be true.

  • Jenny

    Trump will go down in the anals of history as the worst president ever. Yes, annals is the correct word, but he doesn’t deserve that. Anals of history and nothing more!

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      He’s up the anal of America, seems to me. And sooner or later we’re gonna cut a huuuuuge vote…

    • Doug Langley

      Technically, historians have James Buchanan in that spot because he triggered a little thing called the Civil War. For Trump to top that, he’d have to start WWIII. Which, horribly, is quite possible.

    • Erala Contratista

      Already in the anus of the presidnetzy.

  • MynameisBlarney

    OT; but…
    “Adorkable Misogyny on the Big Bang Theory”

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/1017470050

    I never watched enough of it to notice that, it was too goddamned annoying for me to notice anything other than how fucking annoying it was.

    • Christopher Story

      I was disappointed that it perpetuated the 90’s nerd stereotype. You can be intelligent and suave. These are not mutually exclusive.

      • Rags

        You rang?

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      I would last approximately half an episode with a show like that. I watch/read to be entertained, and I’m not a Masochist, so..
      Also I’m way too fucking picky for my own good…

    • rosenbomb

      Wow, that video was really well done.

    • chortlingdingo

      Yeah, I honestly don’t know why anyone likes it. There is nothing funny about it.

  • Michael R

    I opened a can of gaslighting and Jeanine Pirro was all up in it .

    • Kryptonian Canis

      She is playing with fire. I mean, wtf, is there a Russian pee tape on her too?

    • Daniel

      No you didn’t, and no she wasn’t.

    • therblig

      i opened a can of Sterno, poured it through a loaf of white bread, and drank it. And suddenly, she didn’t seem so bad.

      • Michael R

        Fake news . ( unless maybe you have the volume off )

  • Professor Fate

    “But I don’t get to watch much television, primarily because of documents. I’m reading documents a lot.”
    Along with it being an absurd lie – this, if accurately quoted, is the speech pattern of a child or someone who is seriously mentally impaired yes?

    • BadKitty904

      Yes.

    • TundraGrifter

      If you watched Mr. Trump’s deposition, under oath, in the restaurant case, you’d know he doesn’t read documents. He relies on other people telling him what is in them.

    • Institute For Applied Despair

      Everything’s twice with this nitwit.
      Like Johnny Two-Times from Goodfellas.
      “I’m gonna read the documents, read the documents”.

    • Bebecca

      that was the only responsibility of the president he could come up with.

    • james crubb

      I’ve seen somebody on Lithium slur their speech, sleep erratically, speak illogically.

  • Jenny

    Pirro is too fucking terrible for the Trump administration? Wow.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Remember, Trump is not an ideologue. I’m sure he finds evil fanatics as boring as earnest activists. He just wants to Get Stuff Done so he can Look Presidential.

      Edit: saying he wants to “get stuff done” sounds like praise. It’s not. The “stuff” he wants done is just whatever his corporate and foreign overlords and his idiot base want done.

      • Professor Fate

        I think it’s possible Trump got bored because she wasn’t praising him enough and was doing all the talking.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Exactly!

        • therblig

          “Yes, yes, we all know how crooked Hillary is, but how great am I?” – DJT

        • NellCote71

          Remember when Palin spoke at one of his rallies and he looked increasingly bored and dismayed because she was being referential about her own failed candidacy? She was never asked back if I recall.

        • Bad Scooter

          my thoughts exactly. plus, he probably had to pee.

  • Relativicus

    “Jared Kushner, his son-in-law and senior adviser, has told associates that Mr. Trump, deeply set in his ways at age 71, will never change.”

    Y’know, I mean, fuck this. I’ve been saying that since 2015. Where’s my mention in the NYT? What does a person have to do to become a fake source? Fuck this bullshit. Fuck.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      He will never change???? But the GOP and media were promising us a “PIVOT” any day now.

      • PubOption

        That’s just the way it is.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      Start with TSMOTI, work your way up. Might even land some of that sweet Wingnut Welfare…

    • TundraGrifter

      Actually, old folks do change. They get more like themselves every day – the thin social veneer wears off and exposes the real person. Sadly, often it isn’t a pretty sight.

      • Spurning Beer

        Yes. The process is called disinhibition.

        • TundraGrifter

          I did not know that!

          • Spurning Beer

            Yeah, dementia and alcohol intoxication have similar effects: they disable the internal John Kelly.

            A comedian said years ago that alcohol is like a little voice in your ear saying, “Are you going to let that state trooper talk to you like that?” In truth, I think that little voice is making those suggestions all the time for most of us, but there’s another voice that gives better advice.

    • Rags

      He has never changed. Narcissists gonna narcist.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I watched Jeannine Pirro’s dumbass rant about Mueller and FBI last night, and it was insufferable after two minutes. No wonder Assmouth walked out on her – that may have been the best decision he’s made in the whole past year.

    • BadKitty904

      Meh. Alex Jones in drag.

    • Institute For Applied Despair

      Scaly reptile is as scaly reptile does.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      It says a lot about her that even Donnie can’t stand to be in the same room with her for long periods of time.

    • susan_g

      He walked out on her like he did with Palin because they all do the same act and he doesn’t want the competition.

  • Anna Rompage

    And in other news;

    A recording of Roy “I like to molest little girls” Moore, came out where he supported abolishing every constitutional amendment after the 10th, and feels if we did so, it would alleviate a lot of problems we are having as a society…

    This would mean states would be allowed to reinstate slavery, ban women & racial minorities from voting, do away with guaranteed equal rights under the law, the federal govt would not be able to collect income tax, and would end term limits of the president…

    • JohnBull

      There would be dozens of little pervy Roy Moores in government, even more than now.

      • Blackest Noobs

        as if there are not already a dozen little pervy pervs in Congress….shit,the Prez is about as pervy as you get with these assholes

    • Alan

      I think he actually wrote it down too. Legal paper.

      • Daniel

        Knowing him that would surprise me. I am fairly sure even his paper is illegal.

    • Blackest Noobs

      though would be helluva a feat if done so…we barely can change or amend ONE amendment never mind all those….it would be a Mission Improbable.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        Why do you think the far-right are the ones driving the idea of a Constitutional Convention? Then they can get in there, rip out all of that “liberal ‘free speech’ and ‘women voting’ and ‘birthright citizenship’ crap”, and create a new document that would be a cross between an Ayn Rand wet dream and Ted Nugent’s gun fantasies.

        • Blackest Noobs

          certainly, but you’re expecting a group of incompetent dildos who hate govt to get said shit together to do a Constitutional Convention. sure it’s their wants and desires but you actually have to do some heavy lifting to get it accomplished….i just seriously doubt it.

          like this Congress could totally score points on a viable tax bill but instead of doing the work for it, ie public hearings, etc etc, they wanna bum rush this through. that tactic will not work for a Constitutional Convention. hell it barely working with them putting out laws.

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            Dildo libelz!

    • jesterpunk

      Do they really want to end presidential term limits? Because Obama would win another election and be president for years if he wanted to run again.

      • Relativicus

        No, that’s one of those things they like to crow about but would likely never do. Sorta like how they were all on the “Why can’t Foreign-borns be president” kick when Schwarzenegger looked like a great idea. It was never mentioned again after Obama was elected.

        • jesterpunk

          Or they would repeal it then make it illegal for a Democrat to be president.

    • shivaskeeper

      You say that like all those bad things would be unintended consequences. Child molester he may be, but he is also a West Point grad and has gone to law school. He knows exactly what abolishing all those amendments would mean. That is the feature, not the bug.

      • Suttree

        If he ran his campaign on that he would be a shoe in for president (of the CSA).

      • Erala Contratista

        Somebody has to be in the bottom of his class, etc.

    • Roadstergal

      Sounds like a winning platform in ‘Bammy.

    • Paul

      What’s the big damn deal? They are only amendments, not the real thing. After all, we have to interpret the “Original Intent” of the drafters way back in the day to discern what the Constitution really means.

      And PFFFFTTTTT we all know those grand and wise men didn’t write any of those pesky later amendments. So no original intent. So no problem.

  • JohnBull

    Don’t know about you, but I’d be quite happy with Trump showing up to work at noon, watch Fox News, go golfing at 3, and hit the Taco Bell before it closes. I really don’t see how he can cause much more damage sticking to this schedule.

    • Relativicus

      Most of the damage is begun in congress and at the cabinet level.

  • jaspersdad
  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    trump lackeys doing what lackeys do:

    (whoops, edited wrong cut and paste…sorry, not wearing glasses)

    “Under Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama, the stagnant economy, 1.2, 1.4% growth and under President Trump, you have 3.3, over 3% for the last two quarters. You have an economy that is expanding in droves. Jobs numbers like we’ve never seen 2.2 million new jobs, just in the last year alone.”

    This is a lie, of course. “The highest monthly job gain under Trump — 232,000 — was exceeded in 28 separate months on Obama’s watch.”
    ,,,

    He continued, “And the vibrant economy through his shear force of his will on one hand and his deregulatory pen in the other.”

    • TundraGrifter

      “You have an economy that is expanding in droves…”

      Huh?

      • Ghenghis McCann

        ‘The night they drove Old Dixie down…’

      • Doug Langley

        Hey, even droves gotta have jobs.

      • JustDon’tSayProbably

        Yeah, that’s where they have to expand. If you expand in *markets*, they’ll flood. Just a giant mess, huge mess, the hugest.

    • BadKitty904

      So, Turmp’s regime is a Triumph of the Will?

    • Shan

      Did you copy/paste that last quote?

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        yeah, so sorry ’bout that – edited!

        • Daniel

          I hate to ask but what did “deregulatory pen” say before you corrected it?

          • jesterpunk

            Argle Bargle?

          • Daniel

            Or foofaraw?

          • jesterpunk

            Covfefe

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            no, that quote is apparently REAL…the part I edited was about the bomber suspects in Kansas.

            I HAZ A CONFUSED NOW!

          • Shan

            Shear instead of sheer. I wondered if it was a typo on your part or a direct quote from our illiterate Dotard.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            typo via C&L, most likely.

          • Daniel

            “Sheer” and “Trump” in the same sentence. [shudders]

          • Doug Langley

            Sheer nylon? Oh, retch . . .

    • Christopher Story

      So this is how a religion gets started…

      • BadKitty904

        In a “Jonestown” sorta way…

    • Phoenixdoglover

      “In the nine months beginning in February, the economy has added 163,000 jobs per month on average. In the three years before Trump took office, job growth was higher (250,000 per month in 2014, 226,000 per month in 2015 and 187,000 per month in 2016). ”

      https://www.marketplace.org/2017/12/08/economy/under-trump-administration-so-far-monthly-job-creation-has-continued

    • renegade500

      And of course jobs growth is a lagging indicator, so near future will tell. I worry for my friends and hope they will all continue to be gainfully employed.

  • ziggywiggy

    Funny no “thoughts and prayers” tweet from trump for NYC. I’m glad the orange turd hasn’t opened his yapper about it yet but I’m sure it will come and he’ll happily go on about how his Muslim ban could have stopped it and NYC is a sanctuary city and that’s why it happened. That bombing could have been REALLY bad. The tunnel/ walkway where it happened is always full of people, it has a low ceiling and is very long. Bomber could have been on a train. It is a miracle that only a few people were hurt.

    • bupkus231

      Then again, one report I read said that bomber had his explosives strapped to his body with velcro and twist ties. Doesn’t sound like a well-trained terrist….

      • ziggywiggy

        Definitely an amatuer. But where it happened is why I’m surprised at how few were hurt.

        • Boojum

          When you set off your explosive vest and live through it, you’re doing it wrong.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        I’m sure Fox News skipped over the whole “well-regulated” terrorism part.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      It happened at the bus terminal. First someone’s going to have to explain Public Transport to Trump.

      • ziggywiggy

        LOL. Actually it happened in the subway that is part of the PA bus terminal, it happened in a long walkway that connects subway lines. But I’m sure he’s clueless about what it’s like to use the subway.

      • Doug Langley

        “Wait, you mean if I shut down all public transportation we get no more bombings? GENIUS!!”

        • Msgr_MΩment

          We’re going to build a magnificent Wall. Then we’ll name a street after it.

          • JustDon’tSayProbably

            “Magnificent Street”? I dunno…

      • Blanche de Shambles

        There have been times at the Port Authority terminal when I would have welcomed a pipe bomb.

  • rubikcube

    The Document Channel? Hmmm, That must be on the Washington DC cable system- I don’t get that one where I live.

    • Spurning Beer

      They show documentaries. You know, like Fox & Friends and Hannity.

    • Doug Langley

      Cartoon Network changed its name.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos
    • WotsAllThisThen

      Careful Judge Jeanie, you know what happens to bad little children who chant “Lock her up.”

    • SeeTrainOffTheRails

      Poor Jeanine Pirro. She still can’t get over the fact she LOST HER SENATE RACE TO HILLARY CLINTON.

      Years afterward, she still can’t face the fact. It must be very hard to reconcile the fact that she LOST HER SENATE RACE TO HILLARY CLINTON.

      Then again, when you LOSE A SENATE RACE TO HILLARY CLINTON, it’s got to be tough to take.

      But, still, even after LOSING A SENATE RACE TO HILLARY CLINTON, you have to move on. Jeanine can’t seem to get past it … you know, the fact that she LOST HER SENATE RACE TO HILLARY CLINTON.

      • CripesAmighty

        She what?

  • jaspersdad
  • renegade500

    12 diet cokes a day? For a man his age, and that much diet coke, I have to imagine the only time he doesn’t feel like he has to pee is when he’s actually peeing.

    • bupkus231

      Catheter.

      • renegade500

        Damn, I’d hate to be the one in charge of changing that bag!

        • bupkus231

          Pee hookers.

          • renegade500

            Even pee hookers have some dignity!

        • BearDeLaOursistance

          That’s why Hope Hicks is going to skate. Mueller knows she’s already being punished.

  • Zyxomma

    Good suggestions, Evan.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    I always feel conflicted about reports of Trump being lazy and watching tv and palyig golf all day. On one hand, its irriating to me that he wont do his fucking job he campaigned so hard to get. On the other hand, the less work he does,the less of his agenda gets passed the better off we are all are. Hes not infliciting his horrible policies on us. I shudder to think what would happen if someone like Lyin Ted Cruz or Little Marco Rubio or even Low Energy Jeb Bush IE someone who was actually competent and knew how the government actually works was elected.

    • BrendaKay

      The problem is, his cabinet and legislators are working hard to screw everything up and Pence helpfully reminds him to sign the bill when he tries to walk away without signing… so he really doesn’t have to spend any more time working.

      • Roadstergal

        He’s a Weekend At Bernie’s prop. Except the dead guy smelled better and was less offensive.

  • George

    “Trump was really bad at being president at first, but he’s getting better at it, MAGGIE HABERMAN’S SOURCES SWEAR.”

    I don’t doubt that…in the same way prehistoric fish were getting better at walking on land. They started off as complete shit at walking. Two-hundred million years later they were wadding up on the beach for a few minutes a day. Progress!

  • Daniel Hooper

    As the self appointed wolf demigoddess of retail employees, I already suspected I put in way more work than Trump. Now reading the facts, knowing this asshole can fuck up the country and watches more TV during a week than I get in hours of sleep while working a dozen+ days in a row, not counting all the crap I have to do that I don’t get paid for… I want to enact divine retribution, but I’ll settle for clocking him in his stupid orange face.

  • Joe T.

    I never watch Don Lemon, who I once called the “dumbest man on television!”

    *whom*

    • Roadstergal

      Stopped clock.

      “I never watch Don Lemon, who I once called the “dumbest man on television!””

      “I never watch Don Lemon, about whom I once said, “dumbest man on television!””

    • SeeTrainOffTheRails
  • Msgr_MΩment

    So, DJT claims that the reports of his watching eight hours of Teevee each days are fake news. Is he claiming that the times where he nods off in a pool of his own drool while watching don’t count?

  • Roadstergal

    “Trump drinks ONE DOZEN Diet Cokes per day.”

    Is there a unit? One dozen cans? 20oz bottles? 2L bottles? Cases? Trucks?

    • ryp

      The little 7.5 oz cans, so his fingers look bigger.

  • keta

    The POTUS loves watching teevee,
    In fact, I think we all can agree,
    His miniscule brain,
    Adores the inane;
    “It’s fantastic when it’s all about me.”

  • motmelere

    Did no one tell Trump that the recommended number of diet cokes per day is 24? He walked twenty extra steps yesterday presidenting, he doesn’t know how low his heart-counter is. Get some KFC in here, STAT!

  • Roadstergal

    “But I don’t get to watch much television, primarily because of documents. I’m reading documents a lot.””

    This makes more sense every day.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LFkN7QGp2c

    • themidniteskulker

      If this oaf can’t read, how did he get through “college”?

      • An Outhouse for the résistance

        $$$

      • JustDon’tSayProbably

        How do we know he got through it?

      • Cat Cafe

        Paid other kids to do his work for him DUHHHH

  • ryp

    Re: Jeanine Pirro:
    I think I’ve figured out the coding for Fox women. Younger blondes are supposed to be the dumb ones, older blondes the mean girls, and brunettes the hot-tempered crazy ones.

    • beatbort

      Are there no “smart” ones?
      He asks rhetorically

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        LOL.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Well, maybe not “smart-smart” but “Steve Doocey-smart?” Sure, lots of them.

        • Daniel

          Steve Doocey once won a staring match with a hundred watt bulb. Call him stupid now.

          Check mate, lib.

  • bbayliss

    Kinda looks like ignoring him would be the cruelest cut.
    Maybe we could have a 24 (48, 96?) hour media break from this shit.

    • Aunt PithyPat

      Yeah, but then he’d bomb the sh*t outta someone, just to see the blaring headlines “TRUMP DESTROYS PLANET IN ONE GO!” – so there’s that.

      • bbayliss

        Point taken, guess I didn’t think it through.

  • Seriously, why would they be using tactics used for cases against the Mafia? The Russian Mob is a TOTALLY DIFFERENT mob. Geez.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I don’t think Maggie Haberman is too bright.

  • beatbort

    Given that Haberman is a Trump fluffer, this story does not speak well of Orange Crush.
    What if they sent a REAL reporter to do a story like this?!

  • Cats for Clinton

    Hey Wonkers, you like anything that involves speculating about hot sex. What do you think about Hope Hicks and the Orange One? Are they doing it?

    • Manhattan123

      Apparently she steams his pants, as the kids say.

    • Maybe

      In Hope Hicks’ defense, she doesn’t look that stupid or that insane.

    • I just…i just…can’t.

    • greyXstar

      There’s no way a guy his size is physically capable of doing it with anyone.

      • chicken thief

        How good of shape does he have to be in to have her piss on him?

        • greyXstar

          She’s 29. Way too old for President Grabby-hands.

  • Miles Monroe

    We don’t get to watch much pr0n, primarily because of documents. We’re reading documents a lot.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Documents about pr0n!

      • Boojum

        Pics or GTFO

  • NotReallyHere

    I read this article on WaPo about #ToddlerinChief.
    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/posteverything/wp/2017/12/11/four-thoughts-on-the-story-that-almost-broke-the-toddlerinchief-thread/?utm_term=.61a4e1673ccc

    For some reason this quote is the most disturbing thing I’ve read about Two-Scoops.

    To an extent that would stun outsiders, Mr. Trump, the most talked-about human on the planet, is still delighted when he sees his name in the headlines. And he is on a perpetual quest to see it there. One former top adviser said Mr. Trump grew uncomfortable after two or three days of peace and could not handle watching the news without seeing himself on it.

    So, DOTUS is fucking over America and the world so he can see his name on the TV box. That’s it. I have no words.

    • Roadstergal

      For a small donation, I will start a newspaper that publishes the headline “Donald Trump is a shitferbrains” EVERY DAY so that he can see his name in print.

      • NotReallyHere

        You will be the world’s savior!

    • almaalum

      He used to go around showing people a TV Guide clipping of his Apprentice ratings. Maybe they could it back on TV and tell him it’s the number one show and he could leave the rest of us in peace!

  • I’m reading documents a lot.

    Yeah, we’ve already heard about those.

  • Manhattan123

    “But I don’t get to watch much television, primarily because of documents. I’m reading documents a lot.”

    I’m not sure the TV Guide crossword puzzle counts as documents.

    • Maybe

      I don’t think Trump gets “words” well enough to do a crossword.

      • capnkrunch

        What do you mean? He has all the best words. In fact, he only has the best words. All 20 of them.

        • Maybe

          What a coincidence. I’ve got about 20 choice words for him. And only about 18 of them are verbs.

  • About the dozen Diet Co-Colas per day:
    Well, now, even a stopped clock and all that.

    • leslie

      i wonder if he is poisoned from all the chemicals in all that crap…i am serious…..only lab mice get subjected to an onslaught like that….and it usually doesnt end well for them…..it is disgusting to think how much soda that is ….over a gallon a day…omg.

  • Maybe

    I don’t think Trump does watch FOX News. I think he has it directly wired into the lizard part of his brain.

    Which is most of it.

  • IdiotsforPalin

    I’d like to send the Orange Anus a couple of pounds of tainted shellfish

  • greyXstar

    Plainly obviously deranged, not-right, red-flag-and-hockey-lamp-and-siren-type-oh-my-goodness-he’s-insane behavior. And the rundown is “it must be okay because he hasn’t dropped dead or arrested”.

    Crom help us.

  • Jim QuinnX

    Documents = Porn
    Porn = Pee Vids

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    It still boggles my mind that this asshole managed to fail upwards into the White House. He’s lazy, stupid, a narcissist, a terrible public speaker, mean…and those are his good points.

    • Iam Reading

      This is America. Failing upward is what we do.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Meanwhile, I’ve been sliding down for years.

        • Iam Reading

          That’s how you know you are truly smart and talented.

  • JD Mulvey

    “Even Mr. Trump eventually tired of Ms. Pirro’s screed and walked out of the room.”

    This isn’t the first time he’s pulled this trick of simply getting up and walking out of the room when bored, like an aimless spoiled child.

  • Guesty_McGuest

    I drink a shit ton of Diet Coke. I hope it won’t make me Trumpier.

    • Machnethylsteinerbincolabird

      Plus one for Diet Coke. Fuck yeah.

    • Daru Titor

      Depends on whether he drinks it from a can, or just straight syrup meant for a soda machine.

      …Oh, cool! I just made my skin crawl!

  • Jeff Magnus

    Those 4-8 hours of TV are the greatest blessing that Barron (and Melania) have. The last thing anyone needs is that orange travesty of a human being attempting to fill the roles of parent or husband for them.

  • Poly_Ester

    Lil’ donnie meant was that just because the TeeVee is on doesn’t mean that he is watching it, especially if its on CNN or MSNBC.

  • TundraGrifter

    I find the article about President Trump’s viewing habits to be very believable. I’ve always thought Faux News gets high ratings because its ancient viewers just leave the TV on all day long – electronic wallpaper. Perhaps they don’t know how to turn it off, or they just forget to do it, or they don’t otherwise care.

    • I always assumed subliminal programming telling them not to turn it off.
      Here is why:
      I may or may not have worked in a place with transient military, many of who watched the Fox news. To the exclusion of all else. In their rooms, without them in there, it was still blaring away.

      • TundraGrifter

        On one occasion, “Bullwinkle” encouraged children to pull the tuning knobs off the TV set. “In that way,” explained Bullwinkle, “we’ll be sure to be with you next week!” The network received complaints from parents of an estimated 20,000 child viewers who apparently followed Bullwinkle’s suggestion. Bullwinkle told the children the following week to put the knobs back on with glue “and make it stick!” ~ Wikipedia

        • Tishalicious

          Oh that’s beautiful ^_^ reminds me Soupy Sales’ best stuff..

    • phoenix00

      There are also a lot of rural networks that don’t carry anything else.

      • TundraGrifter

        I was completing some inspections in the Midwest and three different radio stations had Boss “I wasn’t wrong; I was misinformed” BlunderRush’s show on at the same time.

        • phoenix00

          I would also hazard a guess: they have a corporate master in common. One with a, uh, Clear, Channel of communications?

    • JCfromNC

      I’m pretty sure that was the case with my parents. They just wanted the noise.

      • TundraGrifter

        Some families just have the television on all day long. They certainly aren’t watching it and I’m not sure most of they time they are paying any attention to it. It’s just on.

  • lol these fools still think he is a total puppet and have not come to terms that he is about as malleable as concrete. Dear Fox et al: Trump does what Trump wants no matter WHO it hurts. Do not say you were not warned when he turns to bite you

  • Margaret Lamont

    I thought Maggie Haberman was Pro-Trump ?

  • Keith Taylor

    Well, you warned me. I still looked at the face of Medusa — sorry, listened to Pirro. Seven minutes of this? I couldn’t even make it through ONE!
    No. I must be fair. She did say something with which I agree. “There have been times in our country’s history when corruption was so rampant and pervasive that examples had to be made. This is such a time!”
    But the trouble is … she doesn’t seem to mean that in precisely the same way I would understand it.

  • Holy shitballs. America shitcanned the most qualified person for president of US of America in my lifetime for this guy.

  • Heather

    Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
    On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It Sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    fv386:
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  • AC in NC

    I like to break 100 when I’m on a deserted stretch of interstate. It takes a fair amount of concentration, even on straightaways. No way she didn’t realize she was doing 119. That’s fast as hell.

    First thing I ever heard about Pirro that I kinda actually liked. Girlfriend hates slow drivers in the left lane. I do too.

  • chicken thief

    Trump should bff Carter Page. Carter has been to Russia so they could chit chat about all their friends in the gubmint there.

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