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P.S.: I am not a crank
Twilight Sparkle Has Had It With Your Bullshit

Time for Round Two of the Great Rightwing Disgruntling over Evan’s piece about Sarah “Poot Lips” Sanders, whom our intrepid correspondent rudely told to go fuck herself (and — possibly worse — called a redneck, oh dear that’s racist). We received about nine bejillion angry comments on that on that one, in addition to a fine selection of death threats sent directly to Evan, and while it’s impossible to share them all, we’ll bring you a sampling of some of the Prime Derp.

As with last week’s Dear Shitferbrains, we’ll start with some lovely thoughts from people who were terribly offended that Evan would address a woman that way, the big sexist, like this fine fellow. Note the witty play on the original article’s hed!

[Subject:] Go Fuck Yourself, Evan Hurst, You Deflowered gay Motherfucker.

That’s really all I have to say. You are without a doubt the biggest lump of ass waste. Here’s my commentary after you spewing that liberal ass waste on Sarah Huckabee, your mom can suck my big fat cock, you closet queen. She is working her way around the neighborhood swallowing as much spunk as she can in an attempt to forget she had the opportunity to abort you and failed. Coward faggots like you need a good cattle prod taken to them.

See? That’s how you defend a lady’s honor. Then there’s this nice person who shares Evan’s last name, but whose whose email Evan posted in the Wonkette Sekrit ChatCave with this important disclaimer: “Guys, this guy is NO RELATION TO ME, OK?” We’ll take him at his word.

9:43 AM

to Evan Hurst

You low-life, frontal lobotomy candidate,

I hope like hell someone stomps a mud hole in your ass, you cowardly cunt. As I understand it, your wife is leaving you for someone with a penis.

VERY SINCERELY,
_____ Hurst (no relation to YOU you fucking eunuch)
Texas

We all agreed it was very sad news about Evan’s impending divorce. And we’ll close this visit to Evan’s inbox with a note that probably doesn’t even belong in this column because it is the complete opposite of a Shitferbrains, from a genuinely nice person (as opposed to the “she seems nice” kind):

12:47 PM

to Evan Hurst

I’m drowning in rednecks here in Paris, TN.

Sometimes your articles are the only thing keeping me sane.

If you ever come to middle Tennessee, stop by, and I will make you a blunt and a pot of coffee.
 
 
 
 
PS This is not a threat

Good day!

Evan says he wouldn’t miss that opportunity for the world. We should add that this was far from the only kind email Evan received, and THANK YOU to everyone whose response to the invasion of the Internet Flying Monkey Brigade was to send money to Yr Wonkette. (Hey, no need to wait until someone sends death threats — you can send us money anytime, said Dok as subtly as he could.)

Unfortunately, Evan had already heard from most of his angriest correspondents before he came up with the out-of-office reply he should have set up for his mailbox, so we’ll have to just copy over this verbatim dialogue from the ChatCave, as an example of l’esprit de l’escalier:

Guys, I realized I’ve been missing a giant opportunity with all these hate mailses. I should have just created an “Out Of Office: Spirit Cooking Right Now” auto-reply. Duh I am such a idiot for not thinking of that before.

Regrets, he’s had a few.

And now, on to some of the comments from the nutballs. In general, we won’t be including any of the idiocy from our Facebook page, at least not this outing, although this one was fairly typical, informing us — as did a whole lot of people — that Donald Trump became president because a year later, people made fun of his press secretary:

One of our favorite replies came from “Bob M.,” who offered this ingenious prebuttal to everyone who might disagree with him:

Typical. Every time Liberals are losing they always resort to name calling. Shows the intellect we are dealing with. Trigger! Every liberal response to this will make my point.

Can you really deploy the “I’m rubber, you’re glue” gambit before anyone has actually insulted you? Then there was “cgray,” who somehow decided that if people were making fun of Sarah Sanders — and of “cgray” — then clearly, the next step would be the end of all Liberty:

Ah, so many arrogant, power tripping leftists on this thread. Such a shame your police state fantasies will never, ever come true.

Were there threats? Of course there were threats, because obviously if someone uses the fuck-word toward a minor administration official, that monster needs to die. And since Evan’s profile mentions his dog, well then, the dog gets it, too:

  • You look like one of the demented little twerps I beat the fuck out of at the Antifa rallies here in Boston. All mouth and no fight. Tell you what foul mouthed internet pussy, I’ll put up any amount of cash you agree to and challenge you to an all out Street fight. All proceeds go to winner’s choice of charity. You pick the toys, just bring your ass to Boston, or I’ll meet you wherever you wish. Bring your faggot ass friends too, I’ll bring my people, but this is gonna be me and you, in the hole alone. What’s your price, pussy?
  • Evan — Sarah will probably kick your stupid lefty mother F******ng A$$ so you better hide your wimpy beta kuk face unless you want it bent sideways.
  • Evan Hurst, you best watch your back bro. Who do you think you are talking to A) a woman like that and B) the spokesperson for the White House? Have some class. This is completely uncalled for and unacceptable. You best watch your back.
  • ESAD, scumbag commissar wannabee. Your days are numbered, your rope is measured.
  • Some serious garbage here Evan Hurst the kind that gets death treats, your media source burned down or get knocked out and wake up with a rose bush planted in you
  • Lula needs an antifreeze dog bone for the holidays and Evan needs an ass kicking.
  • Has anyone knocked the shit out of this guy yet? To anyone seeing this POS walking Lula, killing this piss poor humans dog would not be a crime.

Gee, Huckabee fans threatening to kill a dog. UNPRECEDENTED. That last guy later backed off, slightly, but said he was fully justified in at least thinking about it because Evan is so very evil: “Killing his dog is too much maybe but the sentiment goes well with what type of POS this guy is.” And then, after a few more people took him to task for being a jerk, he said to another commenter, “Now I’m fantasizing of killing your dog.” You know, because that’s such an effective sentiment. Then there was this one, from “Johnny H.” who was just one of several nice people we reported to Disqus, for all the good it’ll do:

Hurst is easy to find and will be a statistic before the new year.

“Johnny H.” has a rich comment history full of threatening people and demanding they tell him where they live so he can beat them up in person. In one, he suggested maybe it would be really easy to murder a New York Times reporter:

The best thing is that Jeremy Peters has little to no security team and an easily accessible house with multiple routes in and out and no cctv. Time to start culling these animals.

“Johnny H.” also looks forward to the chance to run over some protesters, since he has given a lot of thought to the law and has discovered a legal loophole whereby “blocking the road” is exactly the same as “kidnapping,” so he’d be justified in vehicular homicide:

I pray for these animals to kidnap my family while out driving. It’s a form of kidnapping because you can’t leave your vehicle. I have a Volvo 240 and will gladly play bumper cars with all of you, regardless of sex, race, or age. This isn’t a joke, try me losers.

Big surprise: He’s also very worried about The Blacks and their inherent criminality. So if he threatens people, you know it’s only in self defense. ‘Johnny H.” wasn’t the only one to condemn Evan for the f-word then have the n-word show up in his comment history, but we’ll spare you other examples.

Not everyone wanted to personally kill Evan; “lp54” simply wished Evan would be dead, or that he’d find Jesus and be a good Christian just like “lp54:”

I am not in favor of abortion. So, I wish you had been miscarried. You are a stain on humanity. You are an insult to humans. You are the lowest form of pond scum. I pray you meet Jesus before you die, because if anyone is hell-bound, it appears to be you. God is merciful, so you still have a hope at forgiveness for your vile diatribe. I bet your Mom would be thrilled at your language. Ad you eat with that mouth?

There’s your classic Augustinian struggle right there — “lp54” knows that Christ offers salvation to all, but it’s far more satisfying to imagine the vile filthy stain on humanity dead. But maybe it’s OK to wish death on someone as long as you also hope they find Jesus before they meet the horrible death you’ve imagined for them, huh?

Other folks just wanted Evan to explain what kind of weirdo male would ever write for what they decided was a chick blog. And a hypocritical one at that, since how could a supposedly feminist blog say such horribly sexist things about Sarah Sanders as “you’re lying” and “go fuck yourself”? Also, others are pretty sure he just might be gay — and also a raper!

  • Why is a dude writing for a feminist site? Is he some sub-cuck to a femi-nazi dom? If that’s his kink, good for him…who’s to judge… That said, his vixen needs to get him back on his meds….
  • @Wonkette @EvanHurst You have a disgusting foul mouth and show zero respect for a woman. It’s obvious libs only care if you disrespect lib women. The fact you can show such nastiness toward ANYONE, much less a LADY, speaks to our culture. What you SAID to her is as bad as what others DO to women.
  • You’re a sad excuse of a man…or tranny…or gay…or non-binary thing. Your world must be such a sad, depressing place. Your hatred is terrible, you really need help. And I’m sure you know all kinds of white supremacists, now don’t you. After all, your democrat forbears started the whole KKK thing.
  • LOL, author is just mad he can’t sexually harass or rape her.
  • This site seems to populated by mentally ill Dyk_s and castrated beta-male eununchs.
  • Evan: You’re a fag. And nobody cares what you think.

Then there were insults we couldn’t even make sense of:

Your writing is worthless. Go back to selling knives.

Is… Is that a common insult we’d never heard of? If anyone has any idea about that one, let us know.

“Jack Maverick” was quite simply offended that we would ask people to help us keep this blog in business instead of selling ads like normal people do:

So cute — Go on a profanity-laced tirade worthy of an excessively immature 13-year-old, and then what’s right at the end? — A little sign that reads, “Give Us Money”

Sorry, no. Hey, call me silly, but I’m rarely moved to throw out cash as a reward for someone just spewing unbridled hatred. I am, however, willing to pass you a napkin to wipe the flecks of white foam off from around the corners of your mouth.

We’ll admit, it’s entirely possible “Jack” isn’t part of our target audience. And while “Jack” is very, very offended by profanities that might come from an immature 13-year-old, a look at his comment history reveals he’s remarkably open-minded to thirtysomething district attorneys who want to fuck young teens, as long as they’re not rapey about it, especially since the little hoor went along with it at first:

Indeed – Moore was in the wrong (obviously) trying to seduce a 14-year-old but she doesn’t win any smart points for, at age 14, agreeing to go out with a 30-something man….nor for waiting until after he’d removed her clothes and started molesting her to voice any objection.

Since he did stop when she finally spoke up, this is only a statutory case based on her being a minor – there’s no indication from her telling of the story that he forced himself on her.

Roy Moore stopped like a gentleman when she said no, so where’s the big deal? It’s not like he wrote a column that used the F-word about a presidential aide.

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations, because as one of our deleted geniuses noted, “you whiners want other people to pay for your website. Typical progs, can’t earn your own money, you’ve got to take it from other people.” As everyone knows, ads — which in our case we have not got — certainly don’t involve getting other people to pay us. Please click here to give us the money we can’t earn ourselves because we are weak progs.

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