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Who is being a stupid asshole today? It is the editorial board of the Chicago Tribune! Happy to get in on the “hot takes from last decade” trend our Robyn chronicled so ably yesterday, the ed board apparently sat in a circle, sniffed their own wind, and then chose the sphincter that was most noxious among them to expel “thoughts” on Masterpiece Cakeshop v. Colorado Civil Rights Commission, the gay wedding cake case currently before the Supreme Court.

To be forced to create a cake for a same-sex wedding is a similar burden [to a New Hampshire resident having to display “Live Free or Die” on his license plate, so we’re already deep into WTF]. Imagine a Jewish baker being required to put a swastika on a cake. In other contexts, the state of Colorado is more understanding: It sided with bakers who refused to provide cakes with messages disparaging same-sex marriage. So while Colorado is content to exempt some bakers from compelled speech, it wants [“Christian” baker Jack] Phillips compelled to create an opposite message.

First up: Fuck you.

Second: Fuck you harder.

Third with a snap in Z formation: “Nazi” is not a protected class for public accommodation under the law, but we’ll be sure to let you know should that change. The affianced couple were asking for the same cake the baker, Jack Phillips, would create for anyone else, and he refused to provide it before even asking whether there’d be a big ol’ gay cock topper. If those Jewish bakers were regularly creating swastika cakes, but wouldn’t sell that same cake to a Nazi, the Nazi miiiight have a case! Except he still wouldn’t, because “Nazi” is not an immutable characteristic, like “gay” is, unless you count those “ex-gay” guys “married” to “ex-lesbians.”

Fourth: Really, just fuck you again, that was disgusting. Was the Chicago Tribune done being stupid and shitty? Nah dude.

The lawyers for the couple claimed that allowing the bakery to refuse them would be akin to letting a business bar black customers. But race has an exceptional status in anti-discrimination law, supported by constitutional amendments. And the places once closed to blacks β€” restaurants, motels, bathrooms β€” served more urgent needs than those at stake here. Blacks traveling in the South during the Jim Crow era might be unable to find any place to attend to basic bodily functions. A lawyer for Phillips argued that if a merchant refuses service to a black person, the merchant’s objection clearly is to the person, not to expressing a message.

So we guess if a bakery — instead of a restaurant, motel, or bathroom — wants to refuse service to black people, under the Tribune’s formulation, that’s fine! The Civil Rights Act disagrees. Also, word word word “the merchant’s objection is to the person, not the message.” Fine, let’s make them an interracial couple instead of a black guy, Tribune. Many “religions” would refuse to endorse that “message,” for which they have very ugly words and sometimes murder. Do they have to accept a cake order once they find out the groom is an urban? Why or why not? (Please answer in haiku or interpretive dance.)

Gay couples in Colorado have far more options for their wedding confections. [David] Mullins and [Charlie] Craig could have easily gotten what they wanted without forcing a baker to swallow his objections.

Oh, haha, what a clever reference to the gay couple trying to force the poor baker to swallow their homosexual loads. Don’t let anyone ram nothin’ down your throats, Chicago Tribune editorial board. Shove it up your asses instead!

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  • jesuswasablack

    “Blacks traveling in the South during the Jim Crow era might be unable to find any place to attend to basic bodily functions”

    So they are cool with the colored folk as long as they aint queer?

    • Bad Tom

      Or is it a double-whammy to be both queer and colored?
      ——-
      Ans: Yes, yes, it is a double-whammy.

      • Bobathonic

        Strange fruits indeed.

  • Lord Jim

    So gays are just like Nazis. Got it.

  • MynameisBlarney

    So…I bet the nazi cake tastes like self-loathing.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      You for sure can’t get it in chocolate.

    • Daniel

      Or it’s a Reich crispy cake.

    • Raan

      If I had access to it, it would soon taste like gunpowder and cordite.

      I’d blow it up with M-80s, is what I’m saying.

    • Bad Tom

      I’m not eating that.

    • Daniel

      The legal term for the requirement to bake a Nazi cake is the so called Linzer Tort.

    • mrFawkes

      German chocolate cake.

    • Lord Jim
  • Poly_Ester

    Today in a Tribune OpEd, Ben Franklin was called a peripheral figure in the American Revolution.

    • MynameisBlarney

      “Some guy with glasses that flew kites during thunderstorms–(not the sharpest tool in the shed) and drank a lot.”

      • Raan

        And let’s not forget his pivotal role in early foreign relations by slayin’ that French V.

        • MynameisBlarney

          He really did put it to those Libertines.

      • Bad Tom

        He was a womanizer!
        (This is true.)

        • Raan

          Just constantly.

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      He was a printer, no?

      • Bad Tom

        He was a big time prankster, also, too.

        The first edition of Poor Richard’s Almanac predicted the death of Titan Leeds, a rival printer and astrologer. Franklin encouraged readers to buy the next edition to see if he was right!

        The next edition indeed reported Leeds’ death. Franklin claimed that the person who appeared to be the living Titan Leeds was an imposter!

        Sales for both of them went up.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      People are talking about him more and more.

    • Msgr_MΞ©ment

      He had bone spurs. But he fought his own personal Revolution in the parlors and budoirs of Paris.

      • Bad Tom

        Someone had to keep the ladies company.

    • NastyBossetti

      Excuse me? Philadelphia would like to challenge that Tribune OpEd writer to a duel.

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    Great takedown, Rebecca! Thanks!

  • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

    “Third with a snap in Z formation…”

    Oh, this is why I come here…for the Gen X 90’s references… Well, those as well as smart writing with scathing wit…

  • Shan

    Succinct and delightfully vulgar, as usual! I love it!

  • Raan

    I hate Illinois Nazis.

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  • Jeffocaster in the East

    that cake has a left handed swastika, which is frequently used as an Indian symbol. Even the nazis can’t get it right.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Bakery was being passive-aggressive.

    • Daniel

      It’s not “left”, it’s “alt-right”.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

        But two alt-rights make a wrong… right?

        • Oblios_Cap

          or a 180 degree turn.

          • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

            148.8 degrees.

  • Thiazin Red

    Race has special status now, but what about when the court says that as long as you really sincerely hate someone its fine to not serve them? How long does the protection for race last?

    • Msgr_MΞ©ment

      First they came for the ghey….

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

      Until there’s a 23 & Me kit in every home, and Trump appoints Rachel whatsername the female equivalent of Ponyboy in Soul Man as director of the Civil Rights Division of the DoJ.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    When Gay couples in Colorado invade Poland and annex the Sudetenland, let’s talk. I shouldn’t have to add murdering 6 million bakers.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    So gay Nazis who want professionally made wedding cakes are really, really fucked? I seriously don’t understand the Trib’s op-ed.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Especially gay nazis

    • therblig

      you’d think a paper with “trib” in their name would be all for the gheys.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

      Oh, poor Milo, boo hoo hoo.

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    Why are people so fucking dense?

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      something something already taking orders from Sinclair something something

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        anyone with half a brain can figure out the difference….”What if a muslim grocer won’t sell me bacon???? WAAAAAAAA”

        • Bobathonic

          Get back to us after “what if” becomes “actually did” (not sell you the bacon they sell to other people).

        • Spurning Beer

          Or maybe more analogously, what if a Jewish grocer refuses to sell me cheese because it’s going to be used to make a ham and cheese sandwich?

          • Persistent Tennessee Rain

            I’m pretty certain Jews do not care whether or not you keep kosher.

        • Clark_Nova

          I found a halal butcher and a kosher butcher with shops next to each other in Ha Noi (an incredibly cosmopolitan city). They were best friends.

          We fought on the wrong side in that war.

    • Msgr_MΞ©ment

      Economic anxiety, I suppose. It appears to be catchy.

    • Regret

      Have you MET any people?! They are the worst! Some are even worse than me!

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Ignorance of the law is no excuse for poor journalism.

  • JohnBull

    That’s a backward swastika. Is it going to the nearest Buddhist temple?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Came here to post that. Left thankful that I’m not the only swastika pendant.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        It is something that I never considered. I learn so much here.

      • Spurning Beer

        One might even say a “swastika Nazi.”

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Not to be a swastika pendant pedant, but I think you meant swastika pedant.

        • Oblios_Cap

          The “n”s matter!

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

      Actually, it’s the symbol of the Panzer ZZ Division of Bavaria-Lysdexia.

      They snap in S formation.

      • Paul

        Favorite bumper sticker “DYSLEXICS UNTIE!”

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Jewish bakers have to put swastikas on wedding cakes for gay couples if they put swastikas on cakes for opposite couples. What we can’t do is force Jewish bakers to write out “Put we’re getting married and gonna have sex in the butt all the time in purple please” if they don’t normally put that on a cake.

    • Daniel

      Where’s Purple Please?

      • Msgr_MΞ©ment

        If you have to ask, they won’t let you past the velvet rope.

      • Bobathonic

        Sounds like Pennsylvania.

        • NastyBossetti

          You’re thinking of Blue Ball.

          • kilgoretrout

            Bird in Hand?

          • NastyBossetti

            Intercourse?

          • The Wanderer

            Good word. Nice and woody. “Innnterrcourrrrrse . . . “

  • Thiazin Red

    As a special bonus Gorsuch and Kennedy seem to think that requiring employers to inform employees of state laws is forced speech and a violation of the first amendment. So in addition to rampant discrimination get ready for employers to suddenly develop sincerely held beliefs that employee protection laws are immoral.

    • Bobathonic

      Ignorance of the law is a perfectly fine excuse.

    • Spurning Beer

      Yet state laws requiring physicians to tell their patients demonstrable lies about abortion is just fine. Caramba!

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Telling employers to comply with ADA regulations or worker safety laws will also be declared a violation of free speech. An access ramp? But my stairs are a work of art!

  • Raan

    Also, good fuckin’ luck getting a meat lover’s deep dish from a Jewish pizzaria.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      serious question: there are Jewish pizzarias?

      • Daniel

        Dominoah’s.

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          Papa Schlomo’s.

          • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

            I almost bought a Pepe John’s pizza for lunch. Luckily I opened the box and the smell reminded me how bad that shit is.

          • keinsignal

            Their sausage is literally dog food.

          • kilgoretrout

            They pour sugar on it instead of parmesan.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Pizza Shtetl.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

          Uno Ein Chicago Pizzeria.

          • pstokk

            Do they have Chicago deep yiddish pizza?

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

        I kind of hope there are, in case the local Chinese buffet that’s open on Christmas ever disappears and I need another option for someplace to go on Saturnalia.

      • Raan

        I mean, there has to be at least one somewhere.

        Probably one of the several pizza places in Israel.

      • Werewolf

        In Israel, in heavily Jooish neighborhoods in New York and elsewhere, sure.

      • Clark_Nova

        Probably. There are even pizzerias in Ha Noi. Really good ones. Cambodians love pizza but tend to include killer weed as an ingredient. It’s called Happy Pizza. Really. I’ll be eating one in Kampot again in a few months.

        Pizza is universal.

  • Anne Of Green Bagels

    the Tribune editorial board is a dumpster fire. anything else would be a disturbance in the force.

  • Msgr_MΞ©ment

    But race has an exceptional status in anti-discrimination law, supported by constitutional amendments.

    Not to mention the constitution’s exceptional method for counting African Americans.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Mind you, these are the same kinds of people who think that an over-worked cashier who says “Happy Holidays” without even looking at you because they’ve already started ringing up the next customer is engaged in a ritual act of deep theological and symbolic importance and not merely signaling, through bland pleasantry, that you’re done and you need to take your bags and your change and go.

  • memzilla Ξ©

    And the places once closed to blacks… served more urgent needs than those at stake here.

    WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEIR NEEDS ARE.

    GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH THE SEARS TOWER, YOU FUCKWADS.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      There’s a need more urgent than cake? What kind of nonsense is this?

    • Raan

      A.) White cake shops wouldn’t have made a cake for a black couple either.

      B.) I think it’s the Willis Tower now.

      • Bobathonic

        B.) Watchoo talkin’ ’bout?

        • arglebargle

          Hey?! you snuck that in there whilst I did a search.

      • arglebargle
      • keinsignal

        #2 is correct but I call it the Wesley Willis Tower.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

          At least it’s not the Bruce Willis tower. I’m getting a little tired of post-Reagan wannabe cowboys LARPing Die Hard. Just another orphan from a bankrupt culture who thinks he’s John Wayne, Rambo, Marshal Dillon… John McClane.

          • calliecallie

            Hey, that’s my favorite War on Christmas movie!

            I could talk about industrialization and men’s fashions all day, but work must intrude.

          • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

            Oh, I like it too. What I don’t like is the phenomenon of people (mostly of the Reagan party) who think “good guy with a gun” is real and not just a Hollywood trope…

          • Clark_Nova

            Actually, I’m a good guy with a gun.

          • πŸ›ΆπŸ—£οΈ Mr Canoehead πŸ›ΆπŸ—£οΈ

            But it is the perfect Red State movie.
            The invasive Asian business gets dicked over. The terrorists don’t have any valid complaints, they’re just faking it. The woman who has her own career and uses her own name suffers until she goes back to her husband. The media blindly parrot a so-called expert who doesn’t understand the situation as well as the working class white man. Goofy supportive blacks are good, the highly skilled professional black man Is bad. McClane dabbles in a New Age relaxation technique, but pays the price when he leaves his sole vulnerable.
            And the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.

          • calliecallie

            Wow. And here I just liked it because the writer gave all those characters such quick strokes of interesting and quirky personalities. The rivalry between the german brothers; Takagi’s awesome background; the pregnant lady’s sarcastic humor; the limo driver’s christmas music; the two bad guys talking about basketball on the way in;the two FBI guys and their banter (“I was in junior high, dick head.”); Hans Gruber is everything, obviously; even the I-think-ad-libbed shouting match between McClane and Holly. Even Holly’s name. For a Christmas movie. I’m sorry it’s a red state movie. I’m still a fan.

          • πŸ›ΆπŸ—£οΈ Mr Canoehead πŸ›ΆπŸ—£οΈ

            Honestly, I enjoyed it while yelling at it.

          • Persistent Demme

            A woman I knew that worked for Warner Bros., worked with Bruce Willis a lot, and said that he was, hands down, the nicest guy she ever worked with.
            I know he’s a Republican, but I hope he thinks that all this shit going on is wrong.

    • Heather

      I guess that means it’s okay to discriminate against people when it’s just trivial stuff. Right??

    • Paul

      That’s a good cuss. You get an upvote for that gem. Sorry I only have one. I’ll see if I can get Holly to too for two.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Blackness is a part of one’s person, whereas gayness is an expression? What the fuck is this moron talking about? I can only guess he’s been around too many sovereign citizens. “I, sir, object not to your personhood, but to your corporate entityness, your state-sponsored citizenship, your ethno-cultural hegemony over the Judeo-Christian norms, your balkanization of the status quo antebellum, and your cynical realpolitik approach to fondant and butter cream.”

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

      Believe it or not there’s a yuge cohort of people in this country who believe that 1) sexual orientation is a “choice,” and that 2) even if, biologically, it isn’t, to “be” gay is an action that one takes by “indulging” in the “homosexual lifestyle” (so in other words, you can only “be” gay if you forge same-sex relationships rather than be totally celibate the rest of your life or enter into a “lavender marriage” with someone of the opposite sex). The “expression” comes from the “doing,” and to “do” is to “be.” So in this warped semantic argument, you can’t really “be” gay unless you, well, “do” (a) gay.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Which is always interesting to be because race and gender (and indeed all identity) are often things we do as much as they are things we are. It’s a false dichotomy, to me.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

          I could go on about intersectionality, and I’m sure far more well-read scholars than I am already have, but in terms of this group, that’s waaaaaaaaaaay over their tiny, empty heads.

          Heck, I got pitchforked yesterday on an otherwise progressive non-comment section just for pointing out the intrinsic connection between gun culture and rape culture. Nobody was willing to entertain the concept of toxic masculinity as not being a broad-brush bashing of literally 100% of men.

          • Persistent Demme

            A lot of people see the world in terms of black and white.
            They’re wrong.

          • Ill-Advised

            Or they don’t understand modifiers. A lot of reading is projection, and miscues are easy if the noun is categorical and the adjective is threatening.

            Ie, “toxic masculinity” read as a compound noun got you pitchforks. “Masculinity that is toxic” is what you meant, if I understand you.

            I bet Dok could describe this better.

      • SayItWithWookies

        So all celibates are heterosexual? I believe they’d happily throw a celibate gay person into a prison (had they their druthers) just as quickly as they’d throw a sexually active gay couple in.

        Also, most of these folks would also say that it’s faith, not acts, that redeem one — loathe as I am to touch on their silly theology, they’d be discounting its priorities in this regard.

        Ultimately though, they’re just dancing around their now-dead supposition that gender preference is a choice, not an intrinsic property. They’re all absolutes until they’re wrong, and suddenly discover nuance.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

          They’ll never discover science, though. Them there is witchcraft.

        • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

          Should anyone mention to them that religion, while being a constitutionally protected status, is not an intrinsic, immutable trait?

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    But they still will make a penis cake for my 12-year old daughters Godly deflowering ceremony correct?

    • Sam Seder is feeling emboldened by his re-hiring at MSNBC.

      • Msgr_MΞ©ment

        Next year in the capital of Israel.

        /yarmulke drop

        • Raan

          Will we be visiting the Sexateria, or is this whole trip a waste?

        • Oblios_Cap

          “If this is the Kingdom of God, let him do with it what he may”.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Promise cock rings are in aisle twelve…

    • UnsaltedSinner

      Roy Moore, is that you?

    • Msgr_MΞ©ment

      Moore or less.

    • As long as there isn’t another girl involved, yes.

  • memzilla Ξ©
    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

      Well, if his last name is “Lauer,” this message is a genuine actual fact.

    • Thiazin Red

      I like it, its way funnier that way.

    • NastyBossetti

      This is how I am decorating MrBossetti’s next birthday cake. (His name is also Matt.)

  • UnsaltedSinner

    It does say rather a lot about the people who wrote that that their answer to the question “What should we compare a gay couple who wants to get married to?” is “Nazis.”

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Why is it always Nazis? Why is there no longing for Imperial Japan? Some estimates for civilians deaths are as high as 20 million. They ran their own medical torture experiments and brutalized the occupied populations. You don’t see losers parading around flying the Rising Sun, do ya?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Would they refuse to bake a going away cake for a kamikaze pilot?

    • Raan

      Of course not.

      They weren’t white.

    • Msgr_MΞ©ment

      Too lazy to hold their fingers up to their eyelids all day.

    • TJ Barke

      Shinzo Abe’s reactionary party is nostalgic for imperial Japan…

    • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

      What about tsarist Russia, dammit?!

      • Mr. Blobfish

        They had better hats then the Nazis.

        • Daniel

          Italian Fascism was based almost entirely on flamboyant hats.

      • Raan

        They’ll be fine, they have a drink named after them.

      • kilgoretrout

        For cruelty, I’d go with the Huns

        • Clark_Nova

          Or the Turks.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I want a Rape of Nanking cake, posthaste!

      • The Wanderer

        Hasn’t Nan King suffered enough?

    • yyyaz

      Have you compared those drab and dreary Japanese uniforms to those fab, fab, over-the-top SS stylings? Not to mention that Hirohito was a secret (((globalist))).

      • Raan

        Oh my God, Hugo Boss.

      • Fascism has ALWAYS been about politics being turned into spectacle/a fashion show.

        • πŸ›ΆπŸ—£οΈ Mr Canoehead πŸ›ΆπŸ—£οΈ

          I saw a write up on how the Nazi uniforms looked great but were totally impractical for soldiering in. No quilted jackets on the march into Russia, even though they’re warm, because quilting is undignified.

    • Moar Wordz

      Actually….

    • OutOfOrbit

      “slants” ain’t “white”

    • SayItWithWookies

      They were the wrong kind of racists.

    • Because yellow inferior race

      More seriously, modern Japan and Israel are the states that fascists always point to as the closest example of “ethnostates”, where minorities/immigrants either barely exist or have fewer rights.

      • Clark_Nova

        No group of people hate Africans and AA’s more than the Japanese do. They hate them more than they hate Koreans, which is funny because DNA testing shows that all Japanese are descended from Koreans (except the Ainu, who are Caucasian.) The Japanese even have their own untouchable caste (butchers and leatherworkers). Japanese parents often kill their children if they cross that particular line.

        Modern Germans are pretty decent, in comparison.

    • Persistent Demme

      Nazis are white, silly!

  • Soon all the gays will buy cakes on Amazon or Walmart.com. The cake topper gay figurine is already available on-line. Jack Phillips/Masterpiece will then not need to bake a cake for anyone. Jack can spend all his acquired free time praying to Christian god. Gays Happy! Jack Very Happy!! Christian god Very Very Happy!!!… Winning!

    • theblackdog

      I thought we established that you only buy a Walmart cake to serve to those bigoted family members you didn’t want to invite to the wedding but had to because they’re the biggest fucking drama queens ever.

      • think what you want.. walmat’s taking your job to Jhina!! Can you imagine such amazing Xmas decorations for a dollar!!

  • Baconzhurtzin’

    Does this surprise ANYONE that read there Trib in the last decade?

    • kilgoretrout

      It’s like National Review without the verbs.

  • Dutchman
  • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

    So … as a bisexual, I’m not a person, but a message?

    Sigh.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I approve this message.

    • Oblios_Cap

      A message of love…

    • therblig

      you’re one of those cakes we like.

      • LesBontemps

        Twinkies?

    • Aging Disgracefully

      We are people.

    • kilgoretrout

      Come on people now. Let’s recognize our brothers and sisters and treat them with dignity. Except for Nazis who will cut our throats if given a chance.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      That makes two of us.

  • Bebecca

    and in keeping with the theme…I live in KY. I read in yesterday’s paper that one of the men to whom Kim Davis refused to issue a marriage license has filed to run against her as county clerk.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    It was so much easier to discriminate when a whole class of human beings was enslaved by the system, though.
    https://twitter.com/EricColumbus/status/938858847883661313?s=17

  • Oblios_Cap

    Even the Tribunes crossword puzzles have gotten easier.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    And the places once closed to blacks β€” restaurants, motels, bathrooms β€” served more urgent needs than those at stake here. Blacks traveling in the South during the Jim Crow era might be unable to find any place to attend to basic bodily functions.

    Ah, fallacy of relative privation. At least that’s novel.

    • Thiazin Red

      Because once we open the doors to discrimination based on intrinsic characteristics, it surely won’t go any farther.

  • Moar Wordz

    “Swallow their objections….”
    The gay couple requested a cake not a Motherfucking blowie from said overly sphinchtered Artiste.

    • theblackdog

      He’s not even cute.

  • A cake is not a fucking message. It’s a goddamned cake. Do your fucking job and sell the two nice men a goddamned cake, you asshole.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I’d like to hear RGB get up and say that.

      • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

        I think RBG would be even better. ;-)

  • Ryan Denniston

    Oh, a backward swastika. I get it, it means you didn’t really draw a swastika. It’ like typing motherfvcker or fa**ot.

    • Boojum

      Swastikas go both ways. They are very bidirectional.

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance
    • Jeffocaster in the East

      they do like to garden, don’t they….???

    • SayItWithWookies

      Here in the northern hemisphere we’re stuck raking leaves. There’s probably not even a cake for that.

    • Michael Smith

      I hope your wife knows she got a player for life and that’s no bullshittin

      Sorry, did this cake make anyone else think of Tupac?

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

      Ghey Canuckistanis!

    • MynameisBlarney
    • Non-Threatening Ron

      I deserve that cake, after going through an entire gallon of RoundUp this summer.

  • Michael R
  • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

    There’s a word that sounds like “cakes” and refers to Jewish people (among innumerable other groups compared to Jewish people) that swastika bakers really don’t like…

    I’m sure Twitter and Reddit are already alight with Easy Bake Oven memes also too.

    • Raan

      Oh, you mean what Cartman calls Kyle’s superhero character, the Human Kite.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

        Yep….

  • Gay couples in Colorado have far more options for their wedding confections. [David] Mullins and [Charlie] Craig could have easily gotten what they wanted without forcing a baker to swallow his objections

    Yeah. One, I didn’t realize the law was based on whether or not you had other options.

    Two, lots of people live in Jesus-stan areas of the country, so I guess they’re fucked and have to bake their own cakes, huh?

    • Daniel

      The bank that defrauded you is fine to do that because there are other banks.

    • jesterpunk

      What happens when Doctors, EMT’s and other services refuse to serve someone they object to based on their religion? In a small town you dont have many choices.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        Then just have the dignity to die before they have to make that choice.

      • yyyaz

        “Do you expect me to find another doctor?”
        “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die trying.”

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

        That’s already a thing with Christian OB-GYNs, because won’t sum1 plz think of teh preborn babbies.

  • Daniel

    So, if the situation were reversed and a gay baker (gayker, because apparently portmanteaus are all neologisms now) refused a straight Christian couple a wedding cake would this defend his right to do that?

    • jesterpunk

      HAHAHAHA of course not.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Let me familiarize you with the wingnut body of thought on that…

  • Ryan Denniston
    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      “Good Lick”

    • Oblios_Cap

      Gen. Kelly is resigning?

    • arglebargle

      flag pubes

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        I dye mine red, white ,and blue.

        • arglebargle

          I dye mine red, white ,and blue blew

          FIFY

      • yyyaz

        I was wondering how to do that without the toothpicks.

    • therblig

      so the pentagon’s been downsized to the triangle? thanks, obama!

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      A phallic hard-on cake?

  • Michael Smith

    The license plate case was government compelled speech. The law in question here does not require bakers to write “I Love Teh Gays” on every cake they bake in order to maintain their bakery license.

    These publications use arguments designed to rile up conservative readers but which are legally baseless.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Hey, it’s not like they give two farts in a snowstorm about what the actual law says anyway.

  • OrG

    One more time- No one is forcing them to do something they don’t already do.
    They are being forced to do what they already do in a non-discriminatory manner.

    • mackafritz

      Exactly, they aren’t being asked to boil a bag full of puppies. It’s a bakery. They bake cakes.

      • Boojum

        Mmmmm, boiled puppies…

      • Mehmeisterjr

        And anyway, boiling a bag of puppies is more of a Huckabee franchise:

        Come on down to Dave ‘n’ Clay’s Whale on the Pup. You bag ’em, we b’il ’em. Or, you preefers, we’ll mosey on down to the pound and adopt a couple for ya. Either way, it’s canine stompin’ the good ol’ fashioned way.

        Say the words “My Personal Savior” and git tin % off yer order. Send Roy Moore the phone number of a vunnable 14 year-old gal and git twenny % off. Bring proof you finger-banged yer sisters and yer order is free!

        That’s Dave ‘n’ Clay’s Whale on the Pup, where the onliest ones whimperin’ is the dawgs.

  • FDRliberal

    OT – Some good news for a change. Kudos to Chris Hayes as well.

    https://twitter.com/ryangrim/status/938865124294758400

    • Ryan Denniston

      Fuck you Andy Lack. Mike Cernovich, jesus christ.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

        I have an idea. How about a fair exchange: rehire Sam, and then fire Andy.

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          A Sensible Policy for a Better America.

          • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

            Hey Ron, can you fill us in on Persistent Demme’s story about the ignorant con in Toronto who tried to ban Barenaked Ladies because their band name was “offensive”? I love Canuckistani trivia and, apparently it wasn’t big ol’ Orange Rob.

          • Non-Threatening Ron

            I had to look up a few details because I didn’t live in the city at the time (I was living three hours away and was summat preoccupied, what with having a 2-year-old and pregnant wife in the house.) But in 1991 a rather right-wing Toronto councillor named Chris Korwin-Kuczynski was the one who made the decision, when the band had been booked to play at a New Years Eve event in Nathan Phillips Square, a large public space in front of Toronto City Hall. He didn’t lose his seat over this but the mayor at the time, June Rowlands, lost the next election in part because of it. That, and there was a riot downtown in the spring of 1992 that she didn’t know about, despite City Hall being two blocks away.
            The funny part is that at the time hardly anyone had heard of them apart from local fans. The news story changed all that. I understand the band still likes to talk about it.

    • Persistent Demme

      This incident reminds of a clueless conservative in Toronto that banned “The Bare Naked Ladies” from performing because their name “objectified” women.
      (Yeah, if you’re a first grader.)

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

        It was Rob Ford, wasn’t it?

        Jealous that actual barenaked ladies had nicer boobs than him?

        • Persistent Demme

          Ha, ha!
          It was before his time, but it really sounds like him.
          Maybe a nice Canadian Wonker remembers this.

  • Erick the Kracker

    “It’s a cake”, said Justice Elena Kagan
    “The baker is engaged in speech, but the chef is not engaged in speech?”, said Justice Elena Kagan.
    Somebody on the court has perspective.

    • therblig

      only when the dish is tongue.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

        Can we just call off the hearing (so that nobody has to hear Gorsuch say stupid shit) and leave the decision up to Gordon Ramsay? I so want to see him lose his shit with the (hypothetical?) Nazi bakers…

  • Fartknocker

    I’ll again share my favorite cake for a fellow firefighter who had strong beliefs that unicorns kept us safe from when we unintentionally did a stupid on the scene of something. He retires at midnight on January 4th, 2018. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9b01681d8d5a93c264d0e4d663c9b26d854dafe0e6a4b12f532479b1e9db2ea7.jpg

    • Thiazin Red

      I used to love Rainbow Bright and I’m pretty sure my small child self would have sold both my sibling into slavery for this cake.

      • Dutchman

        Or simply for existing??

        • The Wanderer

          My parents spent several years trying to give me and my younger brothers to the Gypsies or to a traveling circus.
          They kept returning us.

          • Non-Threatening Ron

            Mine weren’t that proactive. They just left the back door unlocked and hoped I’d wander away.

          • Paul

            Why not both? I tell everyone that my younger brother was bought from Gypsies when the carnival came through town.

        • Thiazin Red

          To be fair, I did try to sell my sister to the goblins already after seeing Labyrinth. But for this cake? Two for one.

    • NastyBossetti

      That’s amazing.

      • Fartknocker

        It’s a husband and husband team. Pretty cool guys who adopted a hispanic child about 9 years ago. We met them when the daughter had difficulty breathing due to asthma. She’s fine (and funny). They are just awesome, kind people. One guy leans Republican and the other leans Democrat so they are hoot when the talk politics.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

      STARLITE!!!!!! OMG SHARE THIS WITH KIRI :)

      I sometimes fantasize about someday getting the opportunity to perform at a Pride parade, and singing the theme song (which I still know all the words to, some 30 years later). So colorful and happy.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      That’s a hell of a thing.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      That’s gorgeous! Much better than this version I found online:

      http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2016/12/30/12/3BB69AA100000578-4075854-image-a-3_1483099326608.jpg

      • Msgr_MΞ©ment

        That there’s a conversation starter!

      • theblackdog

        I’m always happy when Cake Wrecks appears on these threads.

    • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

      that is the most beautiful cake in the whole world

    • Persistent Demme

      That’s some talent right there!

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Now, that cake is a work of art.

  • jesterpunk

    I posted this last night but if the Colorado cake company wins Gorsuch just gave people an argument to fuck up everyone’s civil rights.

    http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/jurisprudence/2017/12/neil_gorsuch_s_radical_first_amendment_theory_could_sabotage_civil_rights.html

    • Thiazin Red

      Not only that, but any state laws. Is it illegal to force servers to pay for dine and dashes out of their paycheck? Well my sincerely held belief says I shouldn’t have to tell my employees that.

      • jesterpunk

        It is illegal now but its not illegal to fire the workers for refusing to pay for it. Nice little trick they set up there.

  • Shan

    Gheys don’t need cakes as badly as blahs needed to pee but trans folks should just hold it until they get home.

    • Boojum

      But what about the cakes we like?

      • Shan

        There’s a picture of one Fartknocker posted above!

    • OutOfOrbit

      Oh my

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef


      I think we’re going to need a flow chart for this.

      • grindstone

        Urine luck, I think I have one.

  • Boojum

    If the cake constituted speech, i.e., was intended to express a particular message, rather than being a generic wedding cake, I would tend to agree that the First Amendment would preclude the government from compelling someone to use their artistic skills to craft it. But, in the absence of that, fuck this guy.

    • clubseal

      I think it’s more of a “discrimination because my religion (allegedly) tells me to” sort of argument. Which, given the First Amendment, might work, although I’m not privy as to how if it would conflict with other laws meant to prevent such a thing.

      • Rags

        Solution. Don’t open a fucking bakery!

        • clubseal

          Hell, I wouldn’t. Shitty hours, for starters.

        • Red Richmond

          Hey, we shouldn’t discourage people from opening more bakeries that bake delicious baked goods. Only two rules: Bake Those Cakes We Like, and don’t discriminate like a common Masterpiece Cakeshop. Easy!

          Can’t follow those two rules?

          https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/23b0c9e5b64efb002102d72a877c969f5b71fa9e1ca06d5d1e6a4bea13234259.png

        • Boojum

          Meh. Nobody we like would say β€œdon’t be an artist if you won’t paint portraits of Donald Trump with big hands.” But, it is possible to have a narrow judicially created exception for genuine artistic or expressive works and still prevent bigotry.

      • SweetDeeKat

        Doesn’t work for pharmacists who don’t want to sell slut pills. Won’t work here.

      • Boojum

        If he can find that Biblical injunction about not making food for people who don’t believe as you do, I wish him luck in staying open while complying with it.

        • clubseal

          Ah yes, my least favorite verse, Chick-fil-a 29:3.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Best Hate food. According to my friends.

    • Msgr_MΞ©ment

      No freeze peach when your mouth is full!

    • Rags

      No. If that baker wants to make any damn cake he wants, no problem. If that baker wants to operate a public accommodation, i.e. a bakery that sells to the public, then he is obligated to adhere to the equal protection clause of the Constitution and the Civil Rights Act(s). You may believe that being gay is not being a member of a protected class, but that argument is getting extremely thin these days and likely to disappear in, say, no more than a generation or two.

      • Boojum

        I actually do believe that being gay is a protected class. Hell, I’m a plaintiff’s employment discrimination lawyer and my son is gay.

        But, in West Va. Board of Ed. v. Barnett (and other cases), the Supreme Court said that the government cannot compel speech. SOME cakes could constitute speech, as artistic works or because of actual messages. THIS cake was just a fucking wedding cake, does not contain a particular message he doesn’t sell every day, and he should lose.

        Nuance. It’s in those cakes we like.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Jenny

    If I showed up to a wedding with a nazi cake, first I’d take a pic cuz 2017. Then I would wonder what craven asshole baked this shit. Then I would waffle about whether I should throw it to the ground or walk out of there because who the fuck am I hanging out with here??!

    Also Walmart won’t bake a confederate, ISIS, or Nazi flag. Their American flag cakes aren’t actually recognizable as American flags either. So there’s that.

    • Shan

      Hey, how did the interview go?

      • Jenny

        Long, but mostly fine. No finding. But because my daughter is apparently traumatized by seeing her twin brother’s penis at 5, she has to go to therapy.

        It was very nice to watch the cps agent realize that wow they’ve interviewed boyfriend’s daughters 4 different times because the ex wife keeps turning people in for alleged harms.

        I may have had some influence on that. Oops!

        • Shan

          Therapy because…she saw her brother’s penis? I hope the therapist focuses on how normal that is.

          And I’m glad you’re done with CPS. I hope the BF’s ex doesn’t totally warp those girls.

          • Jenny

            I think the detective and cps person knows that too. It’s just a thing to say there was an outcome.

          • Clark_Nova

            It’s abnormal if she hasn’t seen it at age 5.

    • theblackdog

      Why not throw it to the ground and then walk out? They set the bridge on fire bringing that cake in, might as well toss some gasoline to make sure the motherfucker burns to a crisp.

  • Mavenmaven

    The more correct way of putting it is, do Nazi bakeries (or newspaper editorial boards) have to sell to Jews?

    • LesBontemps

      If a Nazi baker bakes penis cakes for gay weddings,* would he have to sell a penis cake to a Jew for his son’s bris?

      *Assumes the tackiest of all possible weddings; maybe for the bachelor party, though?

      • Msgr_MΞ©ment

        Just the tip.

        /ducks

        • LesBontemps

          You’re welcome.

          (Hey, if you rub it, it becomes a seven-layer cake!)

        • Clark_Nova

          Do ducks even have penes?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    “I find it extremely disconcerting that it is admired and revered to have ‘gay pride,’ ‘black pride,’ ‘Asian pride, or pride in any other cultural heritage, but if you have ‘white pride’ it automatically makes you a Nazi, and you are ostracized, attacked, and lynched by your community,” read her statement to the newspaper.

    This Nazi is too cute by half.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I’m more of an off-white. I’d hate to look like a piece of chalk.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Pinkish-beige pride, brother!

      • The Wanderer

        I’m of mixed German-Irish-English heritage. I just want to hurt her (with votes).

      • Persistent Demme

        When I worked in a diverse day care, the little kids were confused by this.
        They said, “Why are you called white? My oven at home is white, and you are not that color!”

        Having said that, though, one of my best friends is Finnish.
        She has light blue eyes, blond hair, and the palest skin I have ever seen.
        She might be the whitest person in the world!

      • Hiss

        Unfortunately, I do. See reference to skin cancer above. It’s not easy looking ghastly pale, especially since I now live in a desert. I have to suit up every time I go out.

    • Thiazin Red

      Really? Funny I seem to recall seeing tons of St Patrick’s day parades in my lifetime, tons of Greek or Italian festivals, and many Oktoberfests.

      But yes, when someone phrases it as white pride you know they’re a nazi.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

        Swarthy Mediterraneans were for years thought of as only marginally better than a negro. This is why “white-ness” is an ideologically bankrupt sociopolitical concept, with the goal posts moved whenever it’s convenient to do so in order to exclude someone else. It’s therefore why academics are trying to “deconstruct” it, and are facing backlash every step of the way. Just like with the gender dynamics I pointed out on that blog yesterday linking rape culture to gun culture and what’s called toxic masculinity. I got pitchforked by other commenters who accused me of hating men. Some things are too “thinky” for your average Joe Schmo of the status quo to “get,” especially in snippet comments that may or may not even exist.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          But even when the outcasts are welcomed in, instead of advocating for the next immigrant wave with empathy, most are quick to join in the discrimination against the next group.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

      Because there’s no such location as “white.” Melanin-wise, I’m pink and pale, but because I’m “swarthy” in terms of hair and eye color, my Irish-Scandi father’s side considered me colored (because that was how they thought of my mother). You didn’t dare point out that the Irish weren’t “white” at one point either. Or that the Catholics and the Protestants couldn’t stand each other in Northern Ireland, and basically fought a holy war for decades that still has individual resentments unresolved even though the Troubles were “officially” (on paper, at least) declared over in 1997.

      My maternal ancestors in Portugal were Jewish forced-converts sent to live in exile in the Azorean Islands. I seriously doubt that these assholes (let alone my father’s side, if they knew) would think of Jewish as being “white.” Even though they were from Europe, and so too are the hypocritical Likudniks. Bibi et. al. like to “pass” when it’s politically convenient to bash Palestinians and get the GOP on their side because religious fervor. Even though Arabs also too are “Semites.”

      Ben Franklin would have thought (correctly, but he painted with a broad brush over the whole country) that Hitler was nothing but a savage Teutonic vandal, and wrote some pretty hateful screeds arguing for discrimination against Germans. You go to Canada, and there’s the well-known dispute between “English Canada” and French Quebec. The whole country is turning into a model U.N. and all for the better, but that longstanding rivalry still exists there.

      Also too, nobody does “Asian pride” because “Asia” is not a monolith, and the countries have some bigly disputes with one another. This idiot never heard of the Rape of Nanking? India and Pakistan? The Sunni vs. Shia conflict that’s like the Troubles on steroids and will probably only end with nuclear war in the cradle of civilization?

      “White” pride makes you look like a racial-exclusivist moron, because “white” doesn’t really exist. It’s one thing to celebrate individual accomplishments or festivals of your ancestral country or countries’ culture. It’s quite another to make it a source of biological superiority because you’ve got nothing else to bring to the table and want to bash other people over the head with it.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Well said, this needs to be an editorial.

    • Hiss

      White is really good for getting skin cancer and needing to get it cut out. Is that a source of pride? No, it’s a damned annoyance.

  • Oblios_Cap
  • Lance Thrustwell

    What if If I’m a straight baker selling a gay cake to a straight couple to bring to a gay wedding? Hmmm, Tribune? Riddle me that!

    • kilgoretrout

      Pie. Pie is always the answer.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Isn’t that more of a lesbian wedding thing?

        • kilgoretrout

          Finger pie. It’s Liverpudlian.

        • Msgr_MΞ©ment

          Are Dutch bakers allowed to refuse to put a finger in the dyke?

          • kilgoretrout

            Only if the canal is frozen.

          • Red Richmond

            Only if it gives prior consent.

      • Persistent Demme

        ALWAYS!

      • Lance Thrustwell

        I always thought pies wuz round. But I heard recently that pie are squared.

        • Msgr_MΞ©ment

          Ain’t that the darnedest thing!

      • OutOfOrbit

        Irrational but well rounded

  • Guys, wingnuts aren’t going to stop calling you “fake news” and buy your newspaper just because you adopt their stupid false analogies. You also have to stop reporting on actual news.

  • Scooby

    I just want to live in a world where everyone has cake.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Marie A., is that you?

  • Persistent Demme

    Something is “off” there.
    Is it OK to have that symbol going in any direction?

    • Msgr_MΞ©ment

      It has a mind of its own. Much like the penis.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      There’s some old South or Central American indigenous thing that goes the opposite way from the swastika.

      • Clark_Nova

        Buddhist swastikas go either way.

    • Iron Monkey

      It is also a Buddhist symbol. Very strange the first time I saw a swastika in a Buddhist temple.

      • Shan

        White people ruin everything.

      • Clark_Nova

        And Hindu, Navajo and Apache. Also, some of the Pueblo people.

      • Persistent Demme

        Years ago, we were looking at a house, and there was a beautiful blanket (Native Indian?) with them all over. Kinda startling!

  • If selling a cake to someone means you endorse everything they do, these Christian bakers are absolutely drowning in sinful kinks by now.

    • kilgoretrout

      Yeah – how many cakes did Ted Bundy order?

      • notanncoulter

        i’m having a charlie manson/idi amin party! who wanna make some cakes!

    • theblackdog

      Also they’re divorced and remarried about a hundred times over

      • And just think of all the porn they masturbated to.

        • theblackdog

          I need a Lifetime Movie Shower

  • keinsignal

    I know what I’m getting all my Colorado friends for Xmas this year… https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f56ade2f535061446f27ec28db5af8e22dfd9b1c270cf61766ae7b36fe2f040f.jpg

    • The Wanderer

      He’s got it wrong. “All Bread Becomes Shit” is a more accurate locution.

      • Raan

        It had the potential to be beer, but it’s not, so it’s shit.

        • SkinlessGenderlessMan

          Piss on your logic…

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    It’s all fun and games until the bouquet is thrown and the genocides begin
    https://twitter.com/JuliusGoat/status/938860768942022656?s=17

    • Msgr_MΞ©ment

      That was before I started watching Game of Thrones, but proceed….

      • The Wanderer

        They’ve had a Red Wedding, and a Purple Wedding. Will the White Wedding happen when Jon and Daenerys tie the knot?

        • Raan

          More importantly, will Billy Idol play the reception?

          • The Wanderer

            So long as he doesn’t start singing Rains of Castamere.

        • πŸ›ΆπŸ—£οΈ Mr Canoehead πŸ›ΆπŸ—£οΈ

          Hey, little sister, what have you done… 🎢

  • Timothy Watson

    What the fucking fuck? This actually got published by an editorial board in one of the nation’s newspapers of record? This sound like a wet fart from a college Republicans group.

    I mean, seriously, what the fuck does it take be a newspaper editor nowadays?

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      How good are you at taking orders from the publisher and/or owner?

      • Timothy Watson

        I’m not good at taking orders period. :)

        • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

          Then being an editor is 2017 is not for you. They expect a certain quality and quantity of bootlicking.

    • Phil Perspective

      The two big Chicago papers editorial boards have long(like one hundred years or more) been a right-wing cesspool. Most editorial boards are at least center-right because they protect the owner’s class, not the working class.

  • kilgoretrout

    What if I’m gay and I order a pizza from a straight guy who has a gay delivery guy?

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      I’m pretty sure that in this case, you’d be in a pr0no movie.

      • LesBontemps

        Needz moar delivery guys.

        • The Wanderer

          Minimum of two.

        • WIDTAP

          Or more pepperoni.

    • Raan

      Time paradox.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Adjust the lighting and focus the camera, that’s what.

      • The Wanderer

        Start playing romantic music?

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Bow chicka bow chicka booowup.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Offer the pizza guy a drink?

      • clubseal

        Tommy Wiseau libel

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      If the gay delivery guy is a bear, you’d just better hope he’s not hungry. Or that he’s only hungry for sausage…

      • Clark_Nova

        A Kodiak moment?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I’m going to test this theory tonight when we go out for Mexican. I will ask my server to bring my fajita fillings in the shape of a swastika.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      ♫ MΓ©xico, MΓ©xico, ΓΌber alles! ♫

      • Shan

        Why did I laugh at that?

        • Roadstergal

          I pictured it done by a mariachi band.

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          Low blood sugar?

          • BearDeLaOursistance

            Shanny von Bulow?!? :-o

          • Shan

            No, low blood sugar usually makes me cranky. The thing was funny.

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      Or better yet, at the Mexican restaurant demand to have Indian food — cause analogies like that are what passes as erudite debate in this cake clusterfuck —

  • Mr. Blobfish
    • Arolpin

      Shouldn’t the price be $14.88?

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute πŸ––πŸ»

      “Fuhrerfudge.” Sure to be included in the Wonkette neologism hall of fame with Sky Penis and Veganbabbybutthole.

    • Clark_Nova

      Isn’t that a Ford? But then again, ol’ Henry was a NAZI, too.

  • The Wanderer
    • Lance Thrustwell

      I find that deeply offensive. I saw that, and I said – “sheeet!”

      • The Wanderer

        It was red velvet.

      • WIDTAP

        Why yes, it was. Well spotted.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          That really frosts me.

          • WIDTAP

            Really? I found it funny on so many layers.

  • jowgajen

    Words, letters, and symbols are speech.

    Flour, sugar, and butter are not speech.

    It’s not hard, unless you let it get stale.

    • The Wanderer

      How about if the flour, sugar, milk, eggs, vanilla and butter are formed and baked in the shape of a penis?

      • jowgajen

        Well, my answer is, is your money green? And will you pick it up?

        • The Wanderer

          That baker apparently failed to recall that money has no smell.

          • Clark_Nova

            Actually, as any K9 cop knows, money smells like cocaine. All cash has measurable cocaine residue unless it just came from the Federal Reserve. They use that a lot for seizures of any cash they want.

      • Lefty Wright

        If you refuse to do penis cakes for anyone, no problem.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        I have that cake pan!

    • Clark_Nova

      Art is speech. Craft (like baking cakes) is not.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    The Trib’s always skewed conservative, but there was a time they at least had talented writers. Then they pretty much forced all their Pulitzer winners into early retirement and brought in much less experienced and much, much cheaper staff.

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    Excellent (insert Charles Montgomery Burns voice) a thread about gay-assed wedding cake arguments. Yes, I have had a few chats, as it were, with the Twitter intelligentsia over this very topic. One Lyn Smith — who is proud of our country, our military, and our police (poe-lease) and a Christian(TM) also too –Lyn thought I was just sooooo ignorant based on my support of the gay couple — you know that pesky law thing. My argument was tantamount to saying (she did not use tantamount — lol) you have to serve a bar patron even though they are well beyond f’ed up (Lyn, being a Xtian, did not say fuck). Hoo boy. It’s been my experience that nurses receive hundreds of hours of training in Constitutional law. Haha. Not really.

    Well it took very little to carve up Lyn’s lil bar-drunk analogy like a Thanksgiving turkey at the 3pm holiday dinner bell. Namely, first, bar drunks are not a protected class under Colorado law. Gay folks are. Second, the bar keep cuts off all drunks, not just the gay drunk ones. Hence, as I charitably informed her, the logic (her logic) was mortally flawed. She responded by saying she was replying to bot so there was my charity. To which I gave her some much needed self-awareness of her dingbat status. The End.

  • h4rr4r

    What if he does not believe in mixed race marriage?
    He likes blacks and asians fine, he just thinks they should marry in their own race.

    NO THAT IS NOT FUCKING OK! If you want to run a church do that.

  • jowgajen

    So the cake case has always been full of shit(ty cake).

    If he did not want to make the lesbians a wedding cake he could say:

    1. I’m too busy that week, lots of orders, you know.
    2. My assistant is on vacation that week.
    3. I’m sorry, I can’t make that design, try (suggestion) cake baker down the way.
    4. I’d rather not. (And that’s it.)

    But no. Asshole has to be all, “your unholy union affects me not at all but deeply offends me, may you burn in hell with no sweet treats!”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Hm. This raises an interesting point. If gay-hatin’ bakers, florists, DJs, etc. all start getting sneaky like this – would most of them ever get caught? Sure, you could set up a sting of some kind, but in general, they’d probably get away with it, right?

      This is probably plan B if SCOTUS actually comes down on the right side in this case.

      • jowgajen

        Freedom of association protects businesses from doing business with anyone for any reason that is not prohibited by law. If I don’t like your swastika tattoo, I don’t have to sell you a croissant. (Of course, I will probably still sell you a croissant because your money looks good in my cash register.)

        • Gosala

          And if you do not, you’ll be at a competitive advantage to the basket who will. See, there are liberating effects to capitalism.

      • randomhookup

        There are an awful lot of businesses that know how to *not* service a particular group.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The ENTIRE POINT is to be an open asshole to the ghey. They can’t avoid the confrontation; they demand it.

  • Jack Tenhet

    What would the Tribune’s position be if thee bakery in question refused to sell a straight republican Christian couple a wedding cake? Discuss amongst yourselves.

    • Red Richmond

      Their position would be vacuous and stupid, rising no higher than the intellectual level of the vacuous and stupid people working there.

      • Jack Tenhet

        And stupid in their vacuity.

  • James Baskin

    ” without forcing a baker to swallow his objections. ”
    Phillips swallows??? Ouuuuuuu la la.

  • Gosala

    Haiku? Since you asked for it

    Gays? No cakes for them.
    The law? Pfft.. we’ll make stuff up
    Because, well gays..ick

    • Raan

      2/10, too little snow on Mt. Fuji.

      • Gosala

        she didn’t say it had to be good.

      • Gosala

        OK, take two:

        Gays on cake Fuji
        Families celebrate true love
        Not a “Christian” thing

  • Bitter Scribe

    This is why I stopped reading the Trib.

    I’d bet you a five-tier wedding cake against a cupcake that that editorial was written by Steve Chapman, the Trib’s resident glibertarian asswipe.

    • Katamount

      I’m not a Chicagoan, but is the Sun-Times any good?

      • Bitter Scribe

        Good-ish. Their biggest problem is that they run on a shoestring, so don’t go looking for incisive national coverage. But they’re great at covering Chicago.

        They also have one of my favorite columnists, Neil Steinberg, who maintains one of my favorite blogs, Every Goddamn Day. I definitely recommend checking it out–it’s very much in the Wonkette style.

        • Katamount

          Nice! I’ll check it out. I listen to the Pro Left podcast where Driftglass sometimes talks Chicago machine politics, so it gets me curious about the municipal landscape in Chi-Town.

          • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

            Ahh, Driftglass and Blue Gal are from my hometown!

          • Katamount

            Good ol’ Springfield. :D

      • paxpax

        Better than the Trib. I live in Chicago and subscribe to The NY Times & Washington Post

    • C4TWOMAN

      Upvoted for glibertarian. Sums them up nicely.

  • Tetman Callis

    Okay I’m confused. Not for the first time. Chicago is the home of the Blue Brothers. I thought we hated Illinois Nazis up here, even if they were in Skokie.

    What the hell, I cancelled my scrip to the Trib last month anyway. They did a sterling job of daily reporting on how corrupt Illinois politics are, how broke the state is, how broken the public schools are, how trigger-happy are many of the Cooked County denizens (both in uniform and out), and how none of it can be fixed, seeing’s how it’s already all fixed.

    It all got to be a bit much, so I decided to come to Wonkette for my daily shell-shocking. At least here I can laugh.

    • Christopher Smith

      Oh, the Trib is an open sewer of wingnuttery, for years now. I believe the owner is the virulently cretinous homophobe who also owns the Cubs.

  • joe baduba

    Swastikas are so cute. They should come in more colors than just black.
    We should have swastika marshmallows for roasting!

  • Katamount

    Okay, people really need to get it through their heads that political opinions aren’t just personal preferences that exist in the ether apart from daily life. They affect your fellow citizens, even if it’s just in the baking of a cake, and if you want to be taken seriously in the political discourse, it’s incumbent on you to justify them. Otherwise, prepared to be called bigoted or stupid or ignorant.

    How many conservatives have you encountered online that always go to the phrase “You’re just calling me a bigot because of a difference of opinion”? Too many, and it says a lot when that’s the only defense they can muster.

    • I’ve often noticed that the phrase “I’m not a bigot” is always followed by “but, (fill in bigoted statement).”

      • Katamount

        That’s the other thing people need to wrap their heads around: bigotry can be a character trait, but only if these opinions are so internalized that they inform your words and actions repeatedly. I’ve let a problematic thought escape my head and I swim in progressive waters all the time. When I’m called on it, I correct it, apologize, move on.

        Whether you are a bigot is irrelevant to me. Whether you hold and defend bigoted opinions, that’s what matters. And it’s the defense that is more telling than any problematic hot-take.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          You raise a valid point. I don’t have any control over, nor SHOULD I have any control over, what men are thinking when they look at women, it’s when they ACT on what they are thinking that I have a problem with it.

          • It all goes to consent and action. You know, actual personal responsibility.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Oh, yeah, “actual personal responsibility” – that thing they don’t teach anymore.

          • Katamount

            Ideally, one should self-reflect if one finds themselves objectifying women too often (note: objectification is different from attraction). But it’s the actions like catcalling and harassment that do the real damage.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Very true. I lived in Spain in the mid 70s and the CONSTANT catcalling was gruesome. We trained ourselves to simultaneously 1) tune it out and 2) train ourselves to appear oblivious to it, while 3) staying constantly alert to it for safety’s sake. This is exhausting, and made it difficult to live a normal daily life.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Yeah, it’s like people who say “Don’t get me wrong, I have friends who are black, but….”

      • C4TWOMAN

        My gran had a favorite:
        “I’m not prejudiced but look at what those black people have done to Detroit!”( She lived in the immediate burbs).
        Years later I saw she was confusing cause and effect. The increased black population was after reganomics and white flight. And they were trying to improve things with little resources, but we’re being blamed for causing the problem.
        The ironic thing was she was a lifelong Democrat and pro union….

        • Clark_Nova

          Democrats were like that before 1964.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Yes, often providing proof instead of refuting the charge.

    • gratuitous

      I’m also baffled by the line conservatives seem to have drawn. Call them deplorable? They’ll embrace it. Call them bitter clingers? You bet! Call them anything else based on what they patently are? No problemo (okay, maybe it’s more like “no problem”).

      But for some reason, they really object to being called racist. As if some dim portion of their atrophied brain has hard-wired “Racism is bad, don’t let yourself be called racist” into its circuitry. It’s not embedded deeply enough that they don’t express racism, they just don’t like to be called racist.

      • tomamitai

        They’ve caught on that being known as a racist is generally bad, so they’ll go to great lengths to keep anybody from knowing — including themselves, in some cases, by defining racism so narrowly that they technically aren’t. There are some leftists who do this too, also, but we can save that internecine clusterfuck discussion until after the Death Star is destroyed, with votes.

        • phoenix00

          /starts moving goalposts to block Hamill’s X-Wing….

      • Katamount

        Exactly. They know racism is bad insofar as their image is concerned. But it’s not being racist that causes them cognitive dissonance, it’s having their racism pointed out. Their defense mechanism is to blow up the accusation into a character attack, which is more difficult to justify.

        Random Conservative: “Black culture is to blame for gang violence.”
        Me: “Yeah, that’s a racist thing to say.”
        Random Conservative: “You’re calling me a KKK Neo-Nazi Racist???!!! How dare you, I have black friends and you call everybody you disagree with a racist bigot and ARGLEBARGLLEEE!!111”
        Me: “I called the statement racist. Your reaction’s pretty telling though.”
        Random Conservative: “BAAAAAARRRRRGLE!!!” *head explodes*

        • gratuitous

          I congratulate you on your ability to capture Random Conservative nonsense verbatim. That’s exactly how it comes out.

  • Metadude

    I hate Illinois Nazis!

  • Angela Ruzzo

    They weren’t forcing the baker to do anything. They weren’t holding a gun to his head and saying “Bake this cake or die!” – they were suing for discrimination. The baker can continue to refuse and go to jail, or he can bake the cake, it’s his choice. We all have choices.

    • They weren’t forcing the baker to do anything. They weren’t holding a gun to his head and saying “Bake this cake or die!”

      Wasn’t that last week Cake Boss challege?

  • Jesus fuck, Tribune.

    • KKSD

      That’s always been a favorite expression of mine, but I’ve been afraid to use it in public. Bravo, Rat Filled Sidewinder Jen!

  • Angela Ruzzo

    The swastika in that cake photo is backwards, isn’t it? I remember studying American History in 5th grade and our teacher told us that the Navajo used a similar symbol, and we were all shocked. That was 1965, a time when every single child in my class had parents or very close relatives who had served in WWII. Some Native Americans came to talk to our class and teach us how to build a tee-pee, and when we mentioned this to them they reacted very negatively, which really impressed us.

    • Taylor Smith

      It’s backwards, and tilted 45 degrees.

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    I love how the right is so snotty and derisive about the snowflakiness of citizens who expect to be treated with simple fairness and ordinary human decency in the secular marketplace—but so ponderously, self-righteously empathetic to the plight of the religious fanatic who wails that he should not be expected to participate in the rules of the marketplace, because Jesus wrote him a note and said he didn’t have to.

    • Cat Cafe

      Actually I believe Jesus wrote him a note and said YES YOU HAVE TO, but he’s trying to pretend he never got it

  • Swampgas_Man

    Is there some structural difference between a gay cake and a conservative Republican Baptist Jesus cake? If so, then clearly the baker doesn’t have the material to make a gay cake, just as the Jewish baker may not have a spare swastika laying around to make a Nazi cake.
    BUT– if it’s the EXACT SAME CAKE, and the ONLY difference is what ceremony it’s eaten at, then the baker is a bigot and discriminating, just as if a white baker refused to bake a basic vanilla sheet cake for a black couple.

  • 😨

    Damn, that is some Greenwaldian logic right there.

  • dmoisan

    Just substitute “disabled” for “gay” and see what develops!

  • To be forced to create a cake for a same-sex wedding is a similar burden [to a New Hampshire resident having to display β€œLive Free or Die” on his license plate,…

    Treating people like human beings is such a huge burden isn’t it?

    • covfefesumgame0005

      those darned state motto’s are so intrusive!

  • TundraGrifter

    Perhaps this is mentioned below (I’ve just got to get back to work) but that cake has an Indian (dot, not feather) or Tibetan or First American swastika – not a Nazi one.

    • Clark_Nova

      Or the back side of a NAZI flag?

      I know from my travels that Buddhist swastikas are about 50/50 as to their enantiomorphosis.

      • TundraGrifter

        You know more than I do. I was basing that statement on the Tibetan statue carved from a meteorite in (from memory) the 15th Century that the Nazis stole from an isolated monastery before WW II. It’s an interesting story.

        • FlipYrWhig

          I think Nicolas Cage starred in that movie.

  • richardgrabman

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but bakeries have been considered public accommodations since the Romans.

    • Tetman Callis

      Not only that but back during the Middle Ages if a baker short-weighted a customer, he’d get the shit beat out of him (it was the law!), so that’s why bakers started throwing in one extra — hence, the baker’s dozen.

      I’m full of annoying little factoids like that, many of which are true.

      • Cat Cafe

        You are my soul mate! Let’s talk about the origins of the word “salary”!

        • Tetman Callis

          Salty dogs for defense of the Empire! Making Rome Great Again!

      • Clark_Nova

        We had a similar rule in the ’70’s about weed dealers who shorted customers or charged more than $10 an ounce.

        • Tetman Callis

          Ten bucks an ozzie, the good old days. I have factoids at my disposal as to why the price went up, but I will restrain myself.

    • ScrwUStillaTexanLibrul

      Maybe even the Egyptians.

  • CATMAN

    My question is for the Mastercake shop guy is: would you refuse to bake a cake for a Hindu wedding, or a Muslim, Mormon or Buddhist wedding, religions whom Christians regard as worshiping “false gods” or are they just concerned about gays?

    • Clark_Nova

      Buddhists have no god and Buddhism is a philosophy rather than a religion.

      • CATMAN

        Right, but the fundie assholes treat it as heretical precisely because it DOESN’T have a god

  • KKSD

    Here’s what Jesus said about gay people: *Crickets*
    Here’s what Jesus said about divorce and remarriage: “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

    Does this baker bake cakes for second marriages? Or third, fourth of fifth? If so, shouldn’t this hypocrisy be held agains him?

    Why is no on asking this simple question?

    • KKSD

      Dangit. “Against.” Also, if asked, would Mr. Bible-Baker bake a cake for Trump’s fourth marriage if that happens? Someone ask him that!

    • mailman27

      People like this are never required to specifically cite their religious texts to support their religious opinions. Strange, that. Maybe it’s because the feelings that they put out there are never, ever mentioned in their folk myths holy texts.

      • javadavis

        These myths have power (you won’t believe me, so ask Neil Gaiman). It isn’t the myths that are the problem here, it is the hypocrites who abuse their power. Remember what that mythical figure said about hypocrites? It wasn’t friendly.

  • KKSD

    My hope is that all these businesses that will discriminate should SCOTUS rule for the baker lose tons of business as the enlightened thinkers take their business to more accepting places. Once the dollar starts talking, the attitudes will change.

  • Ninja0980

    Memo to Chicago Tribune.
    Go fuck yourselves with a pitchfork.

  • Jezzam

    What do gay people do with their opposite sex spouses anyway? Asking for a pervy friend (ahem)

  • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

    Why is it that so many just can’t get it through their thick, lazy heads?

    Protected classes cover everyone, in one way or another. Race, sex,.age

    • Stulexington

      Or to put it in more colloquial terms: y’all can’t say “we don’t serve yer kind here” if the “kind” is based on race, sex, age, ethnicity or religion. And yes, the fact that they’re both dudes falls under “sex”.

  • Gosala

    In haiku, since you asked for it (with thanks to Raan for editorial input)

    Gays on cake Fuji
    Families celebrate true love
    Not a “Christian” thing

  • Molon Labe

    “…A lawyer for Phillips argued that if a merchant refuses service to a black person, the merchant’s objection clearly is to the person, not to expressing a message…”.

    “…So we guess if a bakery β€” instead of a restaurant, motel, or bathroom β€” wants to refuse service to black people, under the Tribune’s formulation, that’s fine! The Civil Rights Act disagrees…”

    No, that would be an incorrect “guess”..

    The baker’s issue is with creating a custom cake for a same sex wedding. It is not with selling a cake to a gay couple. If a straight person walked into the same bakery and asked for a custom cake for a same sex wedding….. they would get the same response the gay couple did.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      which is what the lawyer you quoted said.

    • Strepsi

      Nope. The baker saw they were gay couple and refused to serve them. He did not even know what kind of cake they wanted, custom or not.

      • Molon Labe

        I was under the impression the cake would have contained text or some other decoration that expressed same sex marriage. However, while revisiting this story I discovered I was mistaken about that.

        It does change how I feel about this.

        • Carole

          No one cares.

    • phoenix00

      Problem with that is the cake itself is not gay. It cannot have a sexual orientation no matter how many rainbows and unicorns one draws on it.

      And no, it does not resolve the fact the baker is a bigot. Still.

  • Strepsi

    I think the deeper question that the media rarely address is a BAKERY CAN’T HAVE A RELIGION. Every story is conflating the baker and his bakery, but it’s not him – it’s a business serving the public, and must offer its product to all the public. If the Supreme Court decides that a company can hold a religious opinion, civil rights law in the U.S. is fucked for a generation.

    • The Buddhist porn shop I last visited disagrees with you. 😁

    • FlipYrWhig

      Also I guarantee you the baker’s religion says nothing about wedding cakes. It may say something about weddings and who can have them. It may say something about sex and who can have it. It does not say anything about something you eat between the wedding and the official wedding-related sexytime.

  • Clark_Nova

    3.) Fuck them until they’re stepping on each other’s prolapsed ani.

  • Um…Chicago Tribune? Facile, poorly-reasoned rationalizations of blantant bigotry is The Federalist’s gig! Stop stepping on their toes and invading their turf!

    http://thefederalist.com/2017/12/07/no-christians-dont-want-discriminate-gay-people/

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  • William Ellisor

    why doesn’t he just sell his shop and become an employee. Surely if he’s such a cake “genius” the owner will keep him on just to do the hetero weddings. Or maybe he could be replaced by someone who won’t be such a shit.

  • GrahamTheCat

    That swastika is off by 45 degrees and the arms are pointing the wrong way. You’d think a neo-Nazi would know what the Nazi flag actually looked like. XD

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      Bigots are dumb. They hate successful immigrants & black people because they rub their noses in their inferiority. They’re white, that’s all they got to be proud of.

  • David Shaw

    Just remember the “Dewey Defeats Truman” headline the morning after Truman stomped poor old Tom Dewey (not a bad gut, BTW) into the ground with votes.

  • This was in the Chicago Tribune?
    So I guess this makes their editorial board…
    Illinois Nazis.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulCw7RJ5eE8

  • (((Jgmurphy)))

    The Nazi Chicago Tribune is the W O R S T ever. Just to give you an idea….they have NEVER. Endorsed. A. Democrat. Ever. For. ANY. Office. They endorsed George W Bush, TWICE. The first time may have been remotely forgivable, but the SECOND? Really? Please. Even a milquetoast centrist like Hillary was too much for them. Insanely, they went with GARY JOHNSON. Yes, you heard that right. So the fact that they would compare a gay couple in love to Nazis, does NOT surprise me in the LEAST. I hope anyone with a brain who still subscribes cancels their subscription.

    • Carole

      I hate the fucking Tribune. The only positive thing about them is that they occasionally try to bill me for an online subscription I canceled years ago, so I get to write abusive letters to them.

  • Tania

    Slightly OT – out of all the malarkey of our postal survey and eventual law change, the new paperwork for registering a marriage in Australia is just gorgeous. You now have person one and two, and you tick if you are bride, groom or partner. Sadly no space for Jedi knight, but we use our Census for that one under religion,

  • RSSAA

    If I were a NAZI and had ordered that cake, I’d refuse to accept it. The swastika is both backwards and rotated 45 degrees.

  • gingerwentworth

    That was so funny and great. Sometimes you sound just like a distinguished jurist. I know you’re tired I’m not trying to make you work more. Stop saying you’re tired!

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