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Bannon don’t surf.

Steve Bannon offered yet another robust endorsement of disgraced kiddy-fiddler (allegedly) Roy Moore at a rally in Alabama last night, using the speech as an opportunity to attack … Mitt Romney. Sure, if you want to get all nitpicky about it, Romney isn’t technically “on the ballot” in Alabama, but Bannon’s on a mission to undermine a possible Romney senatorial run in Utah next year, should Orrin Hatch decide he’s beat up enough poor people for one career. So Bannon explained that Roy Moore was a patriot who fought for his country in Vietnam, unlike that chickenshit Mitt Romney:

“Judge Moore served his country in one of the toughest wars we’ve ever had, Vietnam,” Bannon toughguyed to the thrilled audience. Then, in a weird locution that no doubt meant a lot to the states’ rights crowd, Bannon said Moore “went over there for his country, his state, and his family.” Oh, but not Mitt, not that monster who had tweeted a veritable rudeness at Holy Warrior Roy Moore Monday:

We like the part where he keeps calling Romney “brother,” as in “You avoided service, brother.” Bannon wasn’t about to challenge Romney’s college deferments, because a bunch of those also kept Donald Trump out of Vietnam. But Romney did the most dishonorable thing POSSIBLE:

“Judge Roy Moore has more honor and integrity in that pinkie finger than your entire family has in its whole DNA,” Bannon said in his 30-minute speech at Oak Hollow Farm. “You hid behind your religion. You went to France to be a missionary while guys were dying in rice paddies in Vietnam. Do not talk to me about honor and integrity,” he said, referencing Romney’s Mormon faith.

And as all true evangelicals know, Mitt Romney’s weird flaky evidence-free religion doesn’t have nearly the well-established patina of respectability that American biblical literalists’ weird flaky evidence-free religion does, so going off to be a missionary for it was seriously cowardly.

Bannon, of course, didn’t quite mention the lack of service by his former boss (PBUH), who not only had those college deferments, but also the miraculously self-healing heel spurs on one foot, or maybe both, to keep him safe at home and refusing to rent apartments to The Blacks.

Nor did Bannon make mention of Trump’s famous explanation to Howard Stern that, despite not having actually been In Country, Trump faced his very own Venereal Vietnam while he was grabbing pussies all over New York in the ’70s and ’80s. The fear of herpes was definitely one of the Things He Carried:

I’ve been so lucky in terms of that whole world. It is a dangerous world out there — it’s scary, like Vietnam. Sort of like the Vietnam era. It is my personal Vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave solider[.]

Some men humped a rifle through the boonies, Donald Trump humped the models (and the roofies?). He made it through the Tit Offensive and the taking of Studio 54, too.

Moore had his own thoughts on the dangers faced by today’s soldier that he never would have considered back in the day:

The poor snowflake! Also, there’s no truth to the rumor we’re starting right here that “The Foxhole” was the name of a fashion store with a preteen clientele at the Gadsden Mall in 1979.

Moore’s worries about the hazards of service reminded Adam Weinstein, editor of the invaluable Task & Purpose military blog, of a slightly different aspect of Moore’s Vietnam experience:

After graduation Moore was sent first to Germany and then to Vietnam, where he commanded a military-police company supervising a stockade in Da Nang. When he arrived, he says, drug use and insubordination were rampant, and he immediately began issuing “Article Fifteens”—disciplinary actions against his men. This earned him the nickname “Captain America.” By his own account Moore was so much disliked that he feared being killed by his own troops, and slept on a bed of sandbags so that he couldn’t be fragged by a grenade rolled under his bed.

Poor Lieutenant Niedermeyer, still doesn’t get the respect he deserves.

Now, lest you think we’re holding Mitt Romney up as as some sort of avatar of honor and decency here, we’re not. We remember the “47 percent” speech far too well for that. Rather, the rest of the GOP has simply gotten so much worse:

In any case, we can all thank Team Trump for laying the groundwork for plenty of future candidates to have some war nostalgia over. Assuming the Battle of Jerusalem doesn’t end in a huge nuclear flash.

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[WaPo / Atlantic]

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