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Lost in the fury of last week’s tax fuckery and Trump-Russia revelations was a rumor that the White House and CIA have been drafting a scheme to establish a private intelligence service that could run around the world blowing stuff up and kidnapping “renditioning” people.

You may be wondering why that sounds familiar; it’s because it’s basically the premise for The A-Team.

Instead of a ragtag group of rascals who ride around America kicking ass in an indestructible cargo van, the proposal’s aim is to set up a large intel network with a defense contractor that could do Uncle Sam’s dirty work. Instead of being bogged down by red tape and bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo, this crack squad of ex-military commandos could swoop in, grab terrorists on the toilet, and then pass out Pop-Tarts and GI Joe comics to the poor, starving children of Africa-stan. Free from the oppressive shackles imposed on it by liberals, the United Nations, and international treaties, the Trump administration could once again shine America’s blood red light from atop Ronald Reagan’s hill.

Some officials in the so-called “deep state” are dismissing the notion that Trump is attempting to create his own secret MAGA police, with one government official stating, “the idea they are pitching is absurd on its face…and it’s going nowhere.”

While it’s a premise that is as terrifying as it is farcical, it’s not far-fetched. During the halcyon years of the Iraq War 2: Desert Boogalo, the US turned to contractors to take care of all the boring crap. Companies like Blackwater (now Academi) handled “security” while Halliburton took care of logistics operations, like building KFC/Pizza Huts and hiding incidents of gang-rape.

Right now there are more than a dozen different companies that will dig up dirt if the price is right. What’s notable here is that the CIA and Trump’s White House are attempting to outsource US spying, specifically with Amyntor Group, a small private contractor based out of Whitefish, Montana.

Why Whitefish, Montana, a small Western town full of Ameros, twinkly white Christmas lights, and gorgeous natural beauty has become the center for Making America Great Again via neo-Nazis and neo-Conservative cronyism is a mystery. Perhaps it’s because it’s the hometown of ex-Navy SEAL/Interior Secretary (and grifty bastard) Ryan Zinke, and perhaps it’s just one hell of a coincidence.

In October, CIA Director Mike Pompeo vowed to make the CIA “much more vicious” to US adversaries. That’s not too shocking considering that in January Pompeo quietly revised statements he made during his confirmation hearing to suggest that he wants to revisit the idea of torturing detainees at CIA black sites. Unfortunately for Pompeo, the Army Field Manual explicitly bans torture (for now), and transparency laws and “deep state” whistleblowers would inevitably expose any Trump-branded torture palaces, no matter where they try to hide them.

Since Trump came into office deriding the intelligence community, it’s hard to imagine why the rank and file would kiss his ass. The day after the inauguration, he gave a rambling speech where he gloated and bemoaned his crowd size in front of the CIA’s Memorial Wall of Agency Heroes. Just three weeks earlier, Trump publicly doubted US intelligence reports on election fuckery, going so far as to insult them and openly support support the half-baked narrative by Julian Assange. And just this weekend, Trump was rebuked by the FBI Agents Associations for saying the agency was in “tatters.”

What’s a political despot-in-training to do when the rank-and-file refuse to be used as pawns? Why, you hire your own private military, of course! And who better to use than the same old shady sons of bitches who have years of experience in rectal feeding, torture, murder and rampant grift?

Back in 2010, the New York Times published a story detailing how some spooks-for-hire were running around Afghanistan and Pakistan killing suspected terrorists and trying to create a pro-American news website written by local Not American journalists. The latter was an idea pushed by then Maj. Gen. Michael Flynn, who was serving as the top intel aid to the head of JSOC and who was later fired by Obama for being a lunatic, and Stan McChrystal (who was also fired by Obama for talking shit).

The project was eventually scrapped by the DOD after it was revealed that one of the heads of the company, Duane Clarridge, a disgraced CIA operative who was indicted and later pardoned for his role in Iran-Contra, had set up shop in Pakistan and Afghanistan to blackmail the brother of Afghan President Hamid Karzai as a heroin addict by stealing his beard trimmings. Clarridge passed away last year while serving as a foreign policy advisor to Ben Carson, but much of his operation in the Middle East remained intact under Amyntor Group as it was primarily funded by private investments.

People who’ve seen the literal Powerpoint presentation for the plan have likened it to an earlier pitch by Erik Prince to privatize the war in Afghanistan, though that’s being denied. However, Prince’s former lackey, Michael Barry, was recently given a spot on the NSC to act a liaison for national security policy and the CIA. And things get even more interesting if you remember that the Bush 43 administration used Blackwater to spy/kill/capture top al-Qaeda members. After the program was exposed, Prince — up to his ass in scandal and lawsuits — lamented in an interview, “We were building a unilateral, unattributable capability,” but the program foundered when a number of people involved felt a secret squad of hitmen-for-hire might be a bad idea.

All of this is compounded by the apparent downfall of an Obama-era program called the High-Value Detainee Interrogation Group (HIG). The intent of the HIG was to make DC’s alphabet soup of bureaucracy work together to extract information from specific detainees without forcing an existential crisis in humanity, but nobody wanted to play together, and Congress never really funded the program. The lack of investment has caused the HIG to hemmorhage the very people who were tasked finding alternatives to torture.

As the Trump administration struggles to cut through the red tape and procedural hurdles that make it illegal for the US government to conduct secret wars on foreign soil, they’ve attempted to use the only loophole left. Contractors aren’t beholden to the same types of transparency regulations and rules of engagement as government agents. Where the CIA would be prohibited from using microwaves to spy on people, Trump’s soldiers of fortune would be under no obligation…as long as the check clears.

[Buzzfeed]

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  • BadKitty904

    A busy day for Dominic!

    • That’s taken several days of digging through decades of reports and transcripts.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Really? You could just be on twitter for a day or two. ;)

      • BadKitty904

        God bless your dedicated heart! It’s nice to see at least SOME investigative reporting still going on here in the last days of the United States…

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fc22a388149bd19a02a62c3033e360de5cb62276cb1203b2a6ad3ca40c94fb3f.gif

      • BadKitty904

        “Scoop” Gwinn has a certain ring to it. :0)

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Journamalism!

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        It’s appreciated, even if some of us (ie me) rarely say so.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    You know who else created his own loyal army because he didnt trust the loyalty of the Wehr..Nah that would make it too easy.

    • Duke

      Cheney?

      • willi0000000

        you referenced cheney first . . . so, according to Godwin’s Law, you lose.

        • Duke

          I hadn’t heard of this. It might be “Godwin’s Corollary.”

          • willi0000000

            you gotta move with the times.

    • PubOption

      Gaddafi had his own private (all female) security force.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        And since we know he ended with a treebranch up his anus we might want to grant Trump his Charlie’s angels.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      It was Palpatine, amirite?

    • proudgrampa

      My wife when she told the kids to keep an eye on me?

    • redarmyzombie

      Sauron?

    • proudgrampa

      Harkonnen?

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      Hogan?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      The Dutch East India Co.? Ha!

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Correct!

  • Treg Brown
    • HooverVilles

      Bigly. SAD!

    • GoutMachine

      The Russian flag lapel pin is a nice touch.

      • willi0000000

        . . . but the pic needs The Eagle!

  • Anne Of Green Bagels

    I wonder if they, too, will go on an expedition to the Himalayans…

  • BadKitty904

    Our Tax Dollars Not at Work.

  • PubOption

    I think that Papa Doc Duvalier tried something similar with the Tontons Macoutes.

  • btwbfdimho
  • IdiotsforPalin
    • Duke

      Mom!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        I mean, Sis!

        • Duke

          Uncle?

          • redarmyzombie

            Rocky!

          • IdiotsforPalin

            Adrian….

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Dr. Scott?

          • Arolpin

            Randolf Scott! (swelling music)

          • jodyleek

            Gene and Tex?
            Roy and Rex?
            The Durango Kid?

        • GoutMachine

          Dirk Hardpeck?

    • GoutMachine

      Your Master Race, ladies and germs.

      • redarmyzombie

        It could just make you cry…

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Misspelled Mastur.

        • IdRatherBeDancing

          bate

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      Kid Rock concert tailgaters?

    • h4rr4r

      What is wrong with that lady’s face?
      It looks like it caved in on itself.

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        No teeth

        • IdRatherBeDancing

          meth

      • SweetDeeKat

        When meth takth your teef, ith tough to thmile.

        • IdRatherBeDancing

          hah — great minds. I commend you to the HBO documentary Meth Storm — key figure is a 43-year old addict who has NO TEETH — quite a sad documentary of hopelessness actually.

    • Oblios_Cap

      With breeding stock like that, they surely can’t lose!

      • willi0000000

        except, they breed like flies.

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      That’s not his legal team?

  • Scooby

    Won’t thier hov-around scooters give them away as spies?

  • memzilla Ω

    Make
    American
    Gestapo
    Agents

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      That’s a very suspect remark, citizen. Your papers, please.

      • Covfefe

        Point is, if we have a secret intelligence group, answerable only to the emperor, it can be used domestically as well as internationally, the better to eradicate Trump’s enemies, foreign and domestic.

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          I’d bet a BOX of cookies that that would be its primary purpose. Extranational activities would just be a handy income-generator.

  • elviouslyqueer

    the White House and CIA have been drafting a scheme to establish a private intelligence service that could run around the world blowing stuff up and kidnapping “renditioning” people.

    So basically a stupider, more corrupt version of the Mafia?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      The Stupid Mafia, to complement their Stupid Watergate.

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      So, if the CIA puts in this “other” _IA, then what would we need the CIA for? Party tricks?

      • Arolpin

        The MIA, Marginally Intelligence Agency.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Tillerson pities the fool.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Mission: Unpossible

  • GoutMachine

    There’s a literal PowerPoint presentation? Please, Smoking Gun, get a hold of that.

    I remember a few years ago, when there was some leak of a DoD presentation – maybe from Geospatial Intelligence or something – and it as in Comic Fucking Sans.

    • Yes, there’s a literal powerpoint presentation being floated around

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      I bet it has all that stupid .ppt “animation” (swoosh sounds, and things bouncing onto the screen and shit…)

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        Talk about Operation Paperclip.

        https://i.imgflip.com/20k0fr.jpg

        • dlemex

          Microsoft is one of the companies that contributed to the Moore campaign.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      People don’t realize this, but Hitler’s original Bierputsch.ppt? All Comic Sans.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        I thought it was oil on canvas?

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          You got the oil-on-canvas version if you pledged more than 100 Reichsmarks. Oh, and a tote bag.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻
    • WotsAllThisThen
  • OrG

    Putin approves.

  • gallbladder

    Is there any euphemism available that’s stronger than “dumbfuck batshit crazy” we can use to describe Drumpf? I’m open to suggestions.

    • GoutMachine

      Trump?

      • Mr. Blobfish

        We would need units of Trump to fully calculate the insanity. Sometimes, one Trump isn’t enough.

        • GoutMachine

          Question is, what’s the base unit? What = 1 trump?

          • redarmyzombie

            All of them, Katie.

          • Mr. Blobfish

            Not sure, but it will probably be drooling.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Giga Googletrump.

        • Arolpin

          Goggoltrump, or maybe goggolplextrump.

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      Covfefe?

  • ☭!

    Oliver North is involved in this somewhere, if you want to know how this is expected to work.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      It runs on grift?

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      So, we’re gonna be waging sekrit wars against sovereign nations?

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        MOAR sekrit wars.

      • TJ Barke

        Namely America.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Like everything else Trump, they’d be bankrupt in a year.

    • HandsOfFate

      Fiscally or morally?

      • Mr. Blobfish

        Yes.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    It’s time for a domestic police state! What fun. Speaking in code, sneaking out for secret meetings without your cell phone (they can track you, you see), making plans for…

    I’ve said too much.

    • gallbladder

      Douse the lights, they’re on the way!

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      Please step in to the van, sir. It’s the only way we can save you…

      • Darlene Underdahl

        Stand on the plastic. Be a professional.

    • SweetDeeKat

      Shit. We’ll have to do Wonkette by samizdat. And lots and lots of runners.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Non-Threatening Ron

      This is how democracy commits suicide.

      • redarmyzombie

        This is the way the world ends.
        This is the way the world ends.
        This is the way the world ends.
        Not with a bang but a whimper.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

          Not with a whimper, but with a tweet.

  • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

    “…but the program foundered when a number of people involved felt a secret squad of hitmen-for-hire might be a bad idea.”

    Or, at the very least, gauche.

    Mother of Fucking God.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Zonath

      Michael Steele pretending that the Republicans care about “moral compass” is cute.

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        He’s one of ‘those people’ so he prolly never got invited to policy meetings.

      • Arolpin

        I left him a nasty tweet saying, “You might have more moral authority if you didn’t tell lies like
        ‘Everyone know that in the history of mankind and womankind,
        government—federal, state or local—has never created one job’. So those
        in the military, those running the NRC, etc don’t do anything. Scum is
        scum.”
        I’ll let him call bullshit on obvious RWNJ bullshit, but I’m not going to forget OR forgive him for his past lies.

      • puredog

        He’s a Brit, doesn’t quite get it.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    “the idea they are pitching is absurd on its face…and it’s going nowhere.”

    Isn’t that exactly what we said about Trump’s campaign?

  • rocktonsam

    Yes but will it get ratings ?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    It might not be so bad. They’ll spend all their time looking for Hillary’s lost emails. Have I shown you my electoral map recently? No?

  • Nockular cavity

    Don’t worry, we can count on Wikileaks to expose anything they’re doing.

    Haha, ha ha haaaahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha…whew. Just kidding!

  • Non-Threatening Ron

    There’s a great deal to unpack/snark at here, but for a start it’s worth mentioning this:
    Mercenaries work for whoever pays them the most. I can’t think of many better ways of obtaining intel than outbidding for the guys you just hired.

    • proudgrampa

      Whatever the market will bare?

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        I doubt Uncle Vlad has any upper spending limit.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

          In Soviet Tech-merica, Bitcoin mine you…

    • Aaron Wise

      Offer coupons. (25% increase of current pay to kill whoever is yer current employer).

      Capitalism at it’s finest.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    You know who ELSE had a private thug army and took over a country by quasi-legal means?

    • MynameisBlarney

      Elvis?

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        Okay, BESIDES Elvis…

        • MynameisBlarney

          *shrugs*

          That’s all I got.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Elvis Ite Domum!

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        I was gonna say Taylor Swift.

        • Daniel

          She doesn’t need a private army. She just needs someone to go ahead and remove any cold iron from in her path.

        • WotsAllThisThen

          Oh Kim Kardashian is not going to like that!

        • Daniel

          Is it true that Taylor Swift’s rider demands a henge in every hotel room she stays in?

          • puredog

            Wait — who’s riding Taylor Swift this week?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Obama? Hillary?

    • WotsAllThisThen
      • Paul

        What a great movie. Book was fine too.

        • Bub, the cynical zombie

          Liked the book a lot, didn’t like the movie.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Willy Wonka?

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Santa Claus?

    • GoutMachine

      West Coast rappers?

      • Arolpin

        Public Enemy and the SW1s libelz!

    • Nockular cavity

      Queen Bey!

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        Queen Bey would need no army to subjugate ME. I would happily submit to her.

    • redarmyzombie

      Nobunaga Oda?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Mike Ditka?

    • DainBramage

      Colin Kaepernick?

    • thewalkindude

      Randall Flagg?

      • WotsAllThisThen

        M-O-O-N, that spells extrajudicial!

    • Paperless Tiger

      Vladimir Putin?

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻
    • Edith Prickly

      Bane?

    • HandsOfFate

      KISS?

  • Weird Fishes

    Glad we can afford this. Who needs healthy kids anyway?

    • Paperless Tiger

      Exactly. This is why they don’t want to pay taxes, so they can play army.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
  • TJ Barke

    Know who this organization would mostly target? Us.

  • Crystalclear12

    Making Nixon proud.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Or jealous, more n’ likely.

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    Does anyone else watch the show “Berlin Station?” This was literally the actual plot of season 2.

  • lowenufc

    Will their shirts be brown, like their pants?

  • TJ Barke

    These people will make the Pinkertons look like mall cops.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Paul Blart, waterboarder.

    • gallbladder

      Or vice versa.

      • TJ Barke

        This is not really something to joke about. This is serious business. This is about creating a bought and payed for army of cutthroats that’s not answerable to any public oversight of any kind. They will be used against people like us.

        • Paul

          Fuck them. Shoot back.

          • TJ Barke

            If it comes to it.

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      Paul Blart libelzzz!!!

  • Bill D. Burger

    Kellyanne’s was a Freudian slip. My gawwwd’___they’re probably already in the toaster and microwave.

  • Anna Rompage

    So in other words, our current admin seems to support having rouge actors kill off adversaries, much like what is being done in Russia by Vlad and his cronies to their opponents?

    • OrG

      Coincidence?

      • Anna Rompage

        I guess we should all start watching out for falling bathtubs…

        • GoutMachine

          Or polonium 210 in our tea.

          • OrG

            THAT’S why I don’t drink tea.

          • jez

            anarchists dont drink real tea anyway, cos all proper tea is theft

    • GoutMachine

      Who knew Donnie was The Apprentice all along!

    • george lastrapes

      Rouge actors? You’re saying to watch out for Kabuki ninjas, heavily made up?

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Wow. I wonder where he got the idea?

    • OneYieldRegular

      Yes, just wait until they start justifying elimination of reporters because they’re “fake.”

  • Aaron Wise

    Someone should stand up to these people.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    At least the A Team had an ethos. I suspect a Thugs for Trump are simply about the Benjamins. And maybe beating up brown-skinned people, they probably like that too.

    • TJ Barke

      Browns, liberals, dissidents, etc.

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        Anyone not wearing the mandatory MAGA hat.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

          I guess I don’t even have to bother sewing a maple leaf patch on my jacket anymore. Denim-on-denim will be the prison uniform for treasonous globalists on the home front who demonstrate affinity toward America’s #1 Mortal Enemy.

          First they came for the Care Bear Communists…

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    This is what happens when you hire the Russian mafia to run the country…

    • DainBramage

      At least the Bush people were a rival gang to the Russians.

  • Bill D. Burger

    I thought about setting my hair on fire and run screaming from my house naked but decided it wouldn’t help.
    Just numb.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Got to take your Grrrr to your local dems group. We need to start now for 11 months from now, sorry….

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      It might get you a job offer

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The Spy Who Derped Me

    • GoutMachine

      On His Derpness’ Secret Service

      • Daniel

        You only derp… wait. No. They derp much more than that.

        • GoutMachine

          I literally started with that one but had the same thought.

        • redarmyzombie

          Derp and let…Darp?

      • JohnBull

        A View to a Derp.

        • Daniel

          Derpraker.

          Derpfinger.

          Thunderderp.

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          Derp Another Day

          • Daniel

            License to Derp, starring Timothy Derpton.

            And the Living Derplights.

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        Octoderpy? Or Derpopussy? I am torn…

    • proudgrampa

      Dr Derp

      Derpfinger

      The Derp Who Loved Me

    • Jimh

      From Russia with Derp

  • Bill D. Burger

    Rhetorical question alert: How much weirder will this shit get?

    Will the helicopters for the new Caravan of Death have Trump branding?

    • Anna Rompage

      We haven’t even hit month 12 yet…

  • Anna Rompage

    YES! I Love It!

    A group of massively armed, highly trained psychopaths, going around and killing whoever they think is the bad guy, and without any culpability!

    What’s not to love?

    Why it sounds like a great plot for a movie!

    • GoutMachine

      Why it sounds like a great plot for a movie white America!

      FIFY

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        THIS IS GOOD NEWS FOR DICK CHENEY!

    • And there we could have a sequel where after they get captured, they escape and go after the people who sent them there!

  • Crystalclear12

    This could work because what do mercenaries do when they don’t get paid?

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Burn Rome, IIRC.

    • JohnBull

      Go on Yahoo! comment pages or stalk girls at Washington-area community colleges?

      • Crystalclear12

        No, that’s secret service.

    • Covfefe

      In the 16th Century, the Crown licensed privateers to finance themselves by liberating ships carrying Spanish gold. Of course, the Crown got its share. Presumable, Donald will get his share too.

  • sincarne

    A-Team intro at 35 seconds…pretty sure that’s 45’s doctor.

  • Jim Johnson

    Since Betsy Davos can have her own private schools free of the riff-raff of our public institutions, why can’t her brother have his own private security forces — for Jesus I suppose.

  • elviouslyqueer

    OMG, Succubus Sanders just told April Ryan that Trump’s visit to Mississippi to open our Civil Rights Museum should, and I quote, “help bring this country together.”

    Bitch, do you actually believe the bullshit you’re spreading?

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      If she does, she is so delusional she needs to be put away for her own safety.

      • gallbladder

        …and that of the planet.

    • Covfefe

      So, on December 10, 1817, Mississippi was admitted to the Union the first time. But it doesn’t seem to me that Mississippi actually has been in the Union for 200 years, because it took a good four years in the War of Northern Aggression to drag Mississippi back into the Union. One could go on. Question is, where does Mississippi get off celebrating 200 years of statehood in the United States?

    • jodyleek

      The manure spreaders gonna spread (manure).

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    OT: I would rather watch Ali Velshi than hear Sarah Sanders’ Press Briefing.

    • chazmanr

      I would rather shove a red hot poker in my eye than hear a Sarah Sander’s Press Briefing.

  • P’jama Pahnts
    • proudgrampa

      More casabas!

  • Mr. Blobfish
  • BrendaKay

    “as long as the check clears.” LOL forever.

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    OT: SHS saying that the reports on bank subpoenas FAKE NEWS!!! They are false.

    • cmd resistor

      Well, then.

    • SweetDeeKat

      Oh. Well, okay, then.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Thanks for confirming it’s true, Sarah.

      • IdRatherBeDancing

        Exactly!

  • Paperless Tiger

    More corporate feudalism. We’ve already seen CIA proxies fighting Pentagon proxies in Syria. This sounds like it could end up being a corporate turf war all over the Third World. Should we all start talking like pirates? Argh!

    • GoutMachine

      Something tells me this shit will be focused largely domestically, on degenerates like us.

      • NastyBossetti

        This is my feeling, too.

      • TJ Barke

        You butter believe it.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        In case anyone asks, two plus two is five.

        • elviouslyqueer

          And we have always been at war with Eastasia.

          • Non-Threatening Ron

            But the Times says we’ve always been at war with Eurasia. GOLDSTEIN!

          • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

            Potato potahto. We’re always at war with euthanasia.

        • OutOfOrbit

          Nuh Uh. 2+2=22

        • OrdinaryJoe

          In corporate America, when they ask their tax accountants and lawyers that question, the correct answer is: “How much would you like it to be?”

        • wide_stance_hubby

          I thought 2 + 2 = Also.

    • proudgrampa

      Didn’t someone write a science fiction story like that?

      Reality imitates art…

  • GoutMachine

    AND THEN THE MURDERS BEGAN.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Upvote and fist bump:

      http://i.imgur.com/1DbpRVE.gif

      • weighmaster

        that is timing perfectly with Juke Box Hero, which is playing on the radio when I got to this meme.

    • Me not sure

      I hear from the Trump legal team that it’s not murder if the President orders it.

  • Bill D. Burger

    It’s seldom wrong to assume that Oliver North is a sack of shit engaged in shitty activities. The same goes for that cancer in human form, Erik Prince and the rest of his malign, grifting family.
    Looks like the very concept of public life is under assault.

  • chazmanr

    “while Halliburton took care of logistics operations, like building KFC/Pizza Huts and hiding incidents of gang-rape.”

    Let’s not forget the electrocution chambers that they set up to kill US soldiers:

    http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/07/27/military.electrocutions/

    FYI – KBR is part of Halliburton

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      So they were the original Pizzagate. None dare call it projection…

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    If you’ll pardon me, I’m off to read the Church report and reminisce about a happier, more peaceful time in our country’s history when our president wasn’t such a lunatic.

    • Arolpin

      The second to the last sane Idaho politician. (I liked old Frank almost as much as I liked Cecil Andrus. I actually think Butch Otter is an OK person (went to HS with his son, lived across the street from his ex-Father-in-law), and for a RWNJ he’s actually taken one or two rational stands, mostly against the Patriot Act.)

      • proudgrampa

        Yup. Senator Church was a personal hero of mine back in the day.

  • La forza del resistino

    I’m torn between Maxwell Smart or Inspector Clouseau as Director for this agency.

  • BadKitty904

    I feel certain the Joint Chiefs of Staff will appreciate the aid of overpaid amateurs…

  • Bill D. Burger

    ot….Just released: Russians banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics.

    Wheeew….at least they’ll be safe when the nukes start flying.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      U.S. boycotts Olympics in allegiance to Moscow in 3… 2… 1….

  • What’s crazy here is Mike Flynn’s involvement actually wasn’t too insane. IT would have been American propaganda, but it wasn’t too different from post-war plans that had succeeded in the past. Before Big Stan was fired for running his mouth, Flynn was (believe it or not) a well respected intel agent. After Big Stan got fired for Hastings’ Rolling Stone piece is when he started to go insane. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ee2801f551619fd1f0008c4d8813271e03edf884d06251f53f0993740146a9e3.jpg

    • Covfefe

      Somebody has to step up to the plate. I’ll give you quaks like a duck. But walk? Look like a duck? I think Dom, who I love like a brother, has a problem here.

  • Meanwhile, in Alabama, thousands of sex offenders are being released.

    MONTGOMERY, AL—Saying that the state had no choice but to take them at
    their word, Alabama officials on Tuesday announced that thousands of sex
    offenders would be released after the inmates firmly denied the
    charges.

    (yes, The Onion)

    • ltmcdies

      are we sure that isn’t the new GOP policy ….

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Funny enough for The Onion. Real enough for The News.

    • schmannity

      Not only did they deny it, the denied it completely, so we’re good.

    • Bill D. Burger

      They would surely all be Moore supporters.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      The Senate race just got a lot more crowded!

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Their motto can be “Semper Lucrum” (Always profit)

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      Or just xerox-copy the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition.

      Wait — that’s already the U.S. Constitution (King Don Version), right?

  • Bill D. Burger

    Trump should hire Robert Mugabe and learn how to be the President for life.

    Well….almost for life.

  • MynameisBlarney

    OT, but Doug Jones sans gloves.

    A bit late to change much IMHO.

    https://crooksandliars.com/2017/12/doug-jones-takes-gloves-men-who-hurt

    • GoutMachine

      Also, too: “When you see me with a gun, I’ll be climbing in and out of a duck blind, not prancing around on a stage in a cowboy suit.”

      SNAP!

      • puredog

        I like the word choice of “prancing.” It’ll make the Alabammy hearers feel weird, but they won’t know why.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          That’s dancing as done by a nelly.

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    the Bush 43 administration used Blackwater to spy/kill/capture top al-Qaeda members

    Worst. Party. Game. Ever.

    FTR, I’d “spy” Atiyah al-Rahman, “kill” Osama Bin Laden, and “capture” Ayman al-Zawahiri.

    Then I’d fuck Thor, marry Black Widow, and kill Iron Man.

    • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

      I’d fuck and marry Black Widow and rub everyone else’s face in it… why kill when I can enjoy their abject misery instead. :)

    • elviouslyqueer

      Today we are all fucking Thor.

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        ISWYDT

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        Is WITP here today? We need Thor to save us!

    • Meccalopolis

      with you so far

  • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

    A-TEAM LIBELZ THIS WILL NOT STAND.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Trump has done nothing but slam, criticize and defame the intelligence services of this country since he was elected. It’s like someone forgot to tell him that the agencies are (theoretically) working for him. But I don’t know what all the fussing is about or why they’re considering working with a fucking half wit war criminal like Erik Prince.
    Just have Jared dial up Uncle Bibi and work out a contract with Mossad to become Donnie’s private spook squad on the side. Or if they’re busy, they could hire the Russians and/or the Chinese. How much effort do they think it’s going to take to stage an extreme rendition of Turnip’s enemies?
    Hell, he’s recognizing Jerusalem as the legitimate capital of Israel; Bibi’s going to give him anything he wants….for a while.

    • GoutMachine

      Because he really is that stupid.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      “Just have Jared dial up Uncle Bibi and work out a contract with Mossad to become Donnie’s private spook squad on the side.”

      Why not, it worked for Harvey Weinstein.

    • Meccalopolis

      I think Mossad might still be a little miffed about d-boy burning their agent to the russians

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    and they’ve already chosen their new insignia…

    https://militaria-net.co.uk/images/1gest.jpg

  • georgiaburning

    You may recall that Edward Snowden was hired as a contract employee for the NSA. That worked out well. /s

    • clubseal

      I wish there were more Edward Snowdens to expose our country’s illegal and immoral activities.

      • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

        I wish more people were willing to be whistleblowers… I want exactly zero of them to be anything like that Putin stooge Snowden.

        • clubseal

          Right. Putin stooge is the Wonkette label for anyone with whom there is a disagreement. Hardly worth an argument from me.

          • jesterpunk

            No Putin stooge is wonkette label for a Putin stooge. But its ok because Vlad said Snowden didnt leak any intel to Russia, Trump said Putin is believable so I guess he is telling the truth right?

            https://www.reuters.com/article/us-russia-putin-snowden-idUSKBN18T1T4

          • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

            Right… it’s a label because Snowden isn’t SITTING IN FUCKING MOSCOW WITH PUTIN RIGHT NOW. Goddamn, how stupid can people be?

  • Bill D. Burger

    If Putin can have his own private army, then why can’t Trump? After all, what could possibly go wrong?
    Look how well that’s worked out for Puttie’! Trump must be sooo’ jealous.

  • Zach Williams

    Hmm…an elite, secret team with limited oversight? YEAH, THAT’LL WORK.
    BECAUSE THAT AAALLLLWAAAAYS works in fiction!

    *Cough cough* SPARTAN-II Program *Cough cough*
    *Cough cough* Project Freelancer *Cough cough*
    *Cough cough* Brotherhood of Steel *Cough cough*

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Section 31

      • Zach Williams

        National Intelligence Department from Stargate.

    • Meccalopolis

      Treadstone

  • clubseal

    Thank goodness the Army Field Manual forbids torture! It’s not like we’re a party to a treaty expressly forbidding it, even if we’re scared or our big American fee-fees are hurt.

  • BigCSouthside

    So jay sekulow saying the DB subpoena is false?

    • I thought I caught Sanders saying that during the presser as well.

      • BigCSouthside

        Find it pretty fucking hard to believe they’d all take it to print without confirming. Sekulow playing semantics here?

  • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

    Why do I get the feeling I’ve seen this movie before…

  • Oblios_Cap

    Well, that certainly sucks. We’ll all have to go around peeing on each other…

    https://twitter.com/SStossel/status/938137808241332229

    • GoutMachine

      Blessed release, at this point.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      I have this sudden urge to fly to Micronesia and go swimming.

    • Meccalopolis

      kind of easy to avoid them

      • Oblios_Cap

        I’ve seen them in numbers and it isn’t always that easy to avoid them in the waves. Or at night.

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          Though being ten storeys up in a steel-hulled ship might be okay.

      • TJ Barke

        Not the little ones that are invisible in the water.

        • Meccalopolis

          Ooh no, fuck those things

          I was thinking just stay out of the water altogether

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Avoid them by not warming the oceans and not depleting the fish?

        • Meccalopolis

          uh, yeah. that too (of course)

    • Mavenmaven

      Jellyfishnado!

  • Bananas Foster

    I think I’m reaching my limit.

    Lately the news has been giving me angry energy.

    Today I seem to have tipped passed that into existential despair.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Same here, which is EXACTLY what TrumpCo wants, so keep that anger alive.

  • Bill D. Burger

    This all sounds so Bannonesque: “We must defeat the Deep State____by becoming the Deep State.”

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      The only people who can fight the coastal elites are Steve Bannon, of DC, NYC, and Hollywood, CA., and Donald Trump of NYC, DC, and Palm Beach, FL..

  • Zach Williams

    Oh, I just thought of another time ideas like this have completely fucking failed.
    The Illidari from World of Warcraft.
    Illidan (Sexy and smart as he is) thought that he didn’t need no night elf gub’mint telling him how to fight the Legion and started a separatist army group.
    You wanna know how that ended up? Illidan’s BODY was put into a crystal and locked away in a vault for ten years and all his followers ended up either dead or sitting in the same vault as him.

  • redarmyzombie

    The one upshot to this, and I’ve said it before, is their fuckery is outclassed by their incompetence.

    • Meccalopolis

      our only saving grace

  • The Wanderer

    Hmm. I doubt they could get Lord Varys to be Trump’s Master of Whisperers, and that begs the question – what would this new thing be named?
    SAVAK?
    Mukhabarat?
    Society for the Preservation of Virtue and the Suppression of Vice?
    Extraordinary Commission for Combating Counter-terrorism?
    The Ears?

  • Oblios_Cap
    • Flashman

      Maybe he should ask some 14-year olds out on dates. Seems to be the thing down there.

  • cmd resistor

    OT, but never thought I would stick up for Pence. Supposedly Trump said he was “low class” for bringing his pets to DC.
    http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/363381-trump-thought-it-was-low-class-for-pence-to-bring-pets-to-vp

    • NastyBossetti

      Whenever I want to know what’s classy, I just ask myself, “What would Donald Trump do?”

      • kilgoretrout

        And do the opposite.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Stick up for his pets, not him.

    • BadKitty904

      And if ANYBODY would ALL about “low-kkklass”…

    • Timothy Watson

      I hate Pence with the fire of a thousand suns, but what kind of sociopath would abandon their pets for 4 fucking years?

      • GoutMachine

        Mitt Romney?

        • Kgprophet

          Ritt Romrey??

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Maybe the kind who would work for Dolt?

      • NastyBossetti

        The president, if he had any pets to abandon.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Animals know to avoid him.

        • BigCSouthside

          He abandoned his kids for 18. That’s why they are so fucked up

      • MynameisBlarney

        *raises hand*

        Romney! Huckabee!

        • Bub, the cynical zombie

          Huck would have just gotten his son to beat ’em to death. Problem solved.

      • cmd resistor

        Really, his pets are maybe the only humanizing thing about him.

        • Catstro

          The fact that it’s a menagerie and not a fancy pedigreed dog is even more humanizing. I still super hate him, but I would fight for his right to keep Martin Bundo in the Naval Observatory.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      The gall of this shitstain to refer to ANYONE – even Pence! – as “low class.”
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/605221bd8f85e8b41590f2bcda1a17beefbf9624c0415fc4325884c8ca6edd7e.jpg

      • cmd resistor

        And of all the things to use as a basis for the slur – from Mr. Epitome of Low Class.

    • Thiazin Red

      When was the last time a president didn’t have a pet? Has it ever happened?

      • cmd resistor

        This is what is missing in the White House Christmas decorations. Marzipan Bo and Sunny things, and personal stuff like that. Of course I would not wish Trump as an owner on any pet. And any self respecting pet would hate him.

  • BadKitty904

    If the CIA we’re currently paying for isn’t doing its job, perhaps we should – I dunno – get someone competent to run it, instead of creating another, competing agency?

    • redarmyzombie

      Silly Kitty, he wants it replaced because they ARE doing their job!

      • BadKitty904

        As long as, I’m sure, *HE’S* not paying for it…

  • Notreelyhelping

    They’ll need a catchy name! Hmm. Squadron always sounds cool, very RAF, Blitz, Battle of Britain, here here. But it needs something before it. Like…Defense Squadron. Or Security Squadron.

    That’s not bad! What would be the initials for that?

    • Daniel

      Security Department would also be good.

      • Zach Williams

        CIA Section Three.

        Simple and foreboding.

      • IdRatherBeDancing

        Security Derpartment

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        TSHA – Trumpssicherheitshauptamt

    • Anna Rompage

      The Maleficents?

      • MynameisBlarney

        The Apple Dumplin’ Gang?

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      It needs Derp in the title

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      Instead of SPECTRE or KAOS it’d be COVFEFE.

      • Jon Sussex

        Corps of Venal Failing Ex-Felon Eejits?

    • The Wanderer

      Personal
      Intelligence
      Security
      Squadron.

      • Notreelyhelping

        Good. Something they could yell when jumping out of airplanes.

    • jesterpunk
      • Notreelyhelping

        Genius! No one would look twice at these guys wandering around Islamabad!

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Moobs and camelbacks optional?

      • H0mer0

        why’s the second row all doing “EYES RIGHT!”?

    • Andre

      Alternately, if they want to go with khaki shirts in lieu of the white Polos, they ciuld be the Squadron America.

      • Notreelyhelping

        Or the Squadron Donald.

    • JohnBull

      Suicide Squad was taken.

      • Notreelyhelping

        Pity.

  • Anna Rompage

    Seeing that these bumbling idiots cannot even throw an election with Russian help without being caught, I’m not so sure they’re the best people to set up a privatized death squad…

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      I think they’re perfect for the job, since they’ll be so bad at it. And we can spot them more easily.

  • Non-Threatening Ron

    So, which CIA agents were at that shitshow at the Wall and thought, hey, I’d REALLY like to work for this guy?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Who needs ’em? There are plenty of out of work South African, Salvadoran, Russian, and Nicaraguan killers out there.

  • Mpeg

    Ugh. Well I finally tuned in to one of Huckasanders’ games of dodge-the-question.
    Basically ,everything a journalist asked her she said she could not/ had no answer for then immediately called on another press person, only to repeat the same thing.

    So what is the freakin POINT of having a press conference? This is absolutely pathetic.

    • puredog

      Didn’t she at least say “no DeutscheBank subpoena, FAKE NEWS”?

  • Professor Fate

    It’s sheer daylight madness to think this would work – really if the guys they are talking about as being part of this this private security army were any good they would be in the intelligence service already yes?
    Of course that it’s sheer madness won’t stop them but they will be surprised when it all blows up in their faces – that never happens in a Tom Clancy novel at least not to the hero.

  • schmannity

    Gosh, US deficit just widened 8.6%, mostly on China trade and the highest since January.

    • jesterpunk

      How long until they blame Obama?

      • MynameisBlarney

        What time is it?

      • Fusina

        You mean they haven’t already?

  • Andre

    Jesus fucking christ, this sounds like it was devised by someone with a hard-on for Marvel antihero back stories. Stan Lee should sue the bejeezuz out of these unoriginal plagiarizing fascist fuckholes.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      Trump wants his very own Hydra.

      • Andre

        Orange Skull doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

          How about Empty Skull?

        • The Wanderer

          Tangerine Dream?

          • Andre

            Pumpkin Nightmare

    • Zach Williams

      Nah. Fuck the law, sic ‘ol Frank Castle on ’em.

    • ChicagoLovesYou

      OK so I wasn’t the only one reading this and basically thinking they copied Frank Castle’s back story. They might want to continue on and see how it ended for those involved though.

      • Andre

        Frank Castle, Dead Pool, Weapon X IIRC, Marvel has tapped that vein a time or two

  • TJ Barke
  • UncleTravelingMatt

    This is not an intelligence service. Intelligence services are made up of tens of thousands of people doing appallingly boring stuff like monitoring fuel deliveries to DPRK armored units or listening to every bit of news broadcast in Tyumen every day.

    This is Death Squad Management.

    • yyyaz

      Or, as they prefer to call it, Death Squad Unleashed!

    • Blanche de Shambles

      I think it may be some of that, but I think it may also be more of the whole “We don’t need analysts to track North Korean fuel shipments anymore because computers! Algorithms!” boondoggle.

  • Joe Beese
    • TJ Barke

      Limited only insofar as its capacity to be wielded by the poor.

      • redarmyzombie

        Or Democrats.

        • TJ Barke

          Same difference.

    • jesterpunk

      They support a pedophile and are also trying to overturn states laws that they dot like. They are full of shit.

      • TJ Barke

        You must have a brain.

        • BearDeLaOursistance

          A WITCH!!!!11!1!

    • GoutMachine

      I think last call was in October 2016.

      • Paperless Tiger

        Not to worry. The Donald gives them a new reason to dump his fat ass every day like clockwork. No rush there.

    • The Wanderer

      Send out a call for Phil Moskowitz, Amiable Zany!

  • Joe Beese
    • puredog

      Fatuous and irrelevant remarks from the bench. Indeed, we’ve entered a new era.
      (I know, it’s out of context, and I can imagine its relevance, but I just wanted to pile on the motherfucker.)

    • Yellerduck

      “I just want to pick up some of those cakes we like.”

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        He’s a real honeycooked ham turkey, that Gorsuch.

  • Mavenmaven

    Can’t wait to see what happens when Trump tries to welch them as is his wont.

    • Joe Beese

      Yeah, the Atlantic City electricians he screwed over didn’t have automatic weapons.

  • Anna Rompage

    Does this mean Mueller, Manafort, and Flynn should now go into hiding?

  • The Wanderer

    (A panel slides back and the Big Cheese appears in sight seated in a dentist’s chair. The Big Cheese is in dentist’s gear, wears evil magnifying type glasses and strokes a rabbit lying on his lap.)

    Big Cheese: Drop the bazooka Brian.

    All: The Big Cheese!

    (Brian drops the bazooka.)

    Big Cheese: I’m glad you could all come to my little … party. And Flopsy’s glad too, aren’t you, Flopsy? (he holds rabbit up as it does not reply) Aren’t you Flopsy? (no reply again so he pulls a big revolver out and fires at rabbit from point-blank range) That’ll teach you to play hard to get. There, poor Flopsy’s dead. And never called me mother. And soon … you will all be dead, dead, dead, dead. (the crowd start to hiss him) And because I’m so evil you’ll all die the slow way … under the drill.

    Arthur: It’s one o’clock.

    Big Cheese: So it is. Lunch break, everyone back here at two.

    • redarmyzombie

      Lemming! Lemming!
      Lemming of the BDA!
      Lemming! Lemming!
      Lemming of the BD-
      Lemming of the BD-
      BD-BD-A-A-A!

  • Beelzebubba
  • La forza del resistino

    Put Eric Blackwater Prince in charge and they could sell Amway products to Afghan locals in their down time

    • Zach Williams

      And sell heroin by hiding it in the bodies of KIA soldiers.

      • yyyaz

        Far more lucrative, ergo, likely.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      “Would you like these bland foodstuffs and generic toothbrushes from the Church of Multi-Level Marketing Consciousness?”

    • puredog

      “And included for no extra charge, these charter school vouchers!”

  • Joe Beese

    Who should I believe? Bloomberg or Jay Sekulow… ?

    President Trump’s television lawyer Jay Sekulow releases a statement denying that Robert Mueller’s probe has subpoenaed bank records from Deutsche Bank.

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/trumps-lawyers-deny-deutsche-bank-news

    • BigCSouthside

      Law wonks, help me out here: aren’t subpoenas issued by grand juries to financial institutions confidential? A big bank wouldn’t go out in public and be like “yep! Federal government subpoenaed this”, it would present opportunity for partners of illegal actors to destroy evidence

      • puredog

        I think that Mueller himself has subpoena power and does not need to get an SP from a GJ.

    • puredog

      Sekulow’s statement says “[n]o subpoena has been issued or received.” What it does NOT say is “no records have been, or are going to be, turned over” or that “no subpoena has been promised/threatened.” Among professionals, there is often preliminary contact, followed by a decision to comply with the inevitable. But who knows.

      • Meccalopolis

        how the fuck would he know? DB isn’t required to notify a client if their records are subpoenaed. I think they’re just trying to keep skidmark from blowing his top

        • BigCSouthside

          Would DB even notify them? The records are owned by the firm, not the client. They are required by law to retain them for a certain period then can destroy them without notifying the client

        • puredog

          They may not be required to, but they’re likely not prohibited from doing so. They may view the Trump Organization as a high-value client they want to appease.

          • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

            Apparently, DB is as dirty as the day is long (in summer, not this short, pale, twilight to twilight bullshit we are currently suffering through). They probs view Trump Org as so far up Russia’s dirty money hole that, well, I don’t know how that ends, but it does not end with Trump paying them back. He apparently owes DB approximately 1 billion dollars.

          • Boojum
    • Red Richmond

      Oh Jay, just because Mueller hadn’t shown you his giant subpoenas doesn’t mean he’s not sticking it to someone else. You’re just…not important enough to get some subpoenas of your own right now. Don’t worry though guy, Mueller will give you all the subpoenas your pretty mouth can handle and then some, when he’s good and ready.

    • Courser_Resistance

      LOL Asshat, they already HAVE the records.

  • Trump’s soldiers of fortune would be under no obligation…as long as the check clears.

    But this is Trump. The check won’t ever clear.

    • yyyaz

      Only we are the signers, not him, and it’s open season on our tax munniez.

  • Zach Williams

    Now that I’m thinking about shit like this in fiction, this idea does work sometimes.
    The thing is though, it seems to work best when you’re not violating human rights and are fully disclosing everything.

    Like Halo, with the SPARTAN Program. It seemed to last a lot longer once they started having ethics and decency.
    SPARTAN II: Kidnapped random children off the streets and made them into soldiers forcibly.
    RESULT: 8 SPARTAN-IIs still living, four of which are AWOL.
    SPARTAN III: Took orphans who lost parents to the UNSC and their damn wars and turned them into soldiers.
    RESULT: Cancelled in 2553 because the lead commander was a dickhat.
    SPARTAN IV: Finally stopped using kids and started using UNSC combat veterans and giving them armor.
    RESULT: 500 men strong, still going as of Halo 5. Also, no one went crazy!
    Except Ilsa Zane.
    We don’t talk about Ilsa Zane.

  • C4TWOMAN

    Wait… the CIA is helping this shit show? I thought Donnie alienated all the alphabets? Or is the director a Trump puppet?

  • yyyaz

    So laws passed in the interest of human rights are officially now just “red tape.” Assholes — mostly GOOPer fucktards, btw — have always treated them as such, but I damn sure hate to see this descriptor creeping into the lexicon.

  • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

    Is Whitefish, MT a portal to hell?

    Richard Spencer (fuck him) lives with his mom there.

    The two power grid geniuses who got the no-bid contract for Puerto Rico (fuck them, too) are from there.

    Zinke (fuck him especially) too.

    And a shit ton of Nazis.

    Can’t we build a wall or something?

    EDIT: Fucking Erik Prince is the worst kind of evil. Intelligent, comes from money, is a raving religious zealot and a total sociopath. He knows how to evade the law. He has no loyalty to anyone but himself. He’ll profess loyalty to the highest bidder, but will gut them himself the second the money runs low.

    • Jimh

      “Whitefish – It’s not really about the fish

      • H0mer0

        I thought the jooz were into whitefish?

    • Courser_Resistance

      I bought a van that had been originally registered in Whitefish. Someone had done it up very sanely for camping. It was old, but decent wheels. Not possessed or anything.

      • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

        Or so you think… You were merely the conduit…

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      With his mom? What, do they run a motel? For German-looking dudes with mysteriously Spanish first names?

    • Blanche de Shambles

      Well, they did say at the end of Buffy that there were other Hellmouths.

      I’ve been to Cleveland, so I believe it.

  • ken_kukec

    Jeez, hope he nicknames them “The Plumbers” — those old CIA operatives Hunt and McCord and most of the Cubans are gone, but George Gordon Liddy is still available and ready to serve, sir.

    • Keith Taylor

      I keep bleakly remembering Liddy’s name lately. Seems I’m not the only one.

      • TundraGrifter

        Remember when he creaming in his jeans over George Bush’s codpiece?

        • H0mer0

          Since he was the one getting a chubbie over it, not any red-blooded American woman I know.

  • Tom65

    Why are these guys always set up in a strip mall or a UPS store? Check out Amyntor’s Whitefish address on Google Maps.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Because they only exist on paper. If they get the contract, Zinke will call up all his old buddies on his NOT-Obamaphone and yell, “Hey Boys, we got ’em to swallow another one! Get ready to expand your mansions!”

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    Somebody needs to drop a thermonuclear vote on Whitefish.

    • Impatient

      Or just drown it in horseradish? Naw, I like your MOAV idea better. (Too vague? SEE MOAB. Which of course we would not discuss, in these here non-comments.)

  • willi0000000

    has Powerpoint™ ever been used to present something sane and potentially useful to humanity?

    • TundraGrifter

      Beyond some high school classes, probably not.

    • Teecha

      I just made a really nice one about how the development of weapons led to the developments in features of castle defence.

      • willi0000000

        oh goodie! . . . that’s one-in-a-row.

  • hendenburg2

    Again, I just want to point out that over 50% of the CIA’s budget gets spent on private intelligence firms and contractors

  • Courser_Resistance

    I have a female friend who contracted to Blackwater back in the day. She never said too much about it other than they abandoned her squad somewhere in Africa. Curses them every time their name comes up (or anything to do with mercenary services)

    • TundraGrifter

      Perhaps Blackwater stopped getting paid. Sorry – nothing we can do for you now.

      • Impatient

        See plot of “American Odyssey”? One season only, on Netflix, so far. Anna Friel is good enough actress to make you wish, on occasion, that you hadn’t dug down into that scene, even if just fiction.

        • TundraGrifter

          I hate it when Hollywood steals my best ideas before I have them!

          • Impatient

            They’re using a Time Turner. You were still first.

  • Keith Taylor

    I keep being tempted to use nothing but upper case like a common idiot. Haven’t these geniuses learned a thing from the results of turning over prisons to private companies?

    • Bemused

      Yes, they learned that it was super profitable.

      • Scrofula

        Don’t forget that weird thing where all the private prisoners suddenly vote Republican, also too.

        • The Person.

          “One weird trick makes ALL your inmates vote for the candidate of your choice!!1”

      • Boscoe

        -Just keep the debbil’s weed illegal so it’s easy to keep ’em filled up…

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Help us Robert-wan, you’re our only hope.

  • The Person.

    Fuck Blackwater and all the rest of the criminal PMCs. If I had vbetter art skills I’d draw a manga about me and my college friends (Me, my femme fatale college sweetheart, a Sicilian national with a fake ID and US and UK citizenship due to Mafia ties, also too, an MG42, a tall black guy from Sacramento, a short black guy from SoCal, a crusty punk named Caveman, a pot-growing med student, a gay security guard, a token Russian[to show they’re not ALL bad people] a transman, maybe that homeless tweaker who hung out behind the AmPm where all the college kids bought their beer, and our mascot…. hmm… a squirrel? ) fighting Trump’s Secret Police (with votes)

    Edit: I need to stop drinking in the daytime. Fuck you Donald Rump

    • TundraGrifter

      “I need to stop drinking in the daytime.”

      It’s 6 AM somewhere.

      • nosuchuser

        In the Navy we said that you could start drinking when the sun cleared the yardarms. Can’t wait that long? Move the ship…

  • Ωbjectifier

    “We were building a unilateral, unattributable capability,”
    Nope, that’s not at all terrifying.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    A Secret State Police?

    That sounds like a good idea.

    It worked so well when it was called the Geheime Staatspolizei.

    Except for that one time at the Munich War Crime Trials.

  • Ken M13

    I really doubt the CIA would allow anyone to horn in on their territory.

  • TundraGrifter

    “The day after the inauguration, he gave a rambling speech where he gloated and bemoaned his crowd size in front of the CIA’s Memorial Wall of Agency Heroes.”

    In his speech, newly-minted President Trump used “I” and “Me” more times than there were gold stars on the wall behind him. I know because I counted.

  • TundraGrifter

    I just ordered a copy of Gen. Flynn’s book. It was only a couple of bucks and I figured this was a good time to read it. The co-author – I wish this was a joke but it’s not – is Michael Ledeen. No shit! Instead of writing “you can’t make this up,” I’ll just say I wish I had to.

  • TundraGrifter

    How would this crackpot plan work out? Read “The Crimes of Patriots: A True Story of Dope, Dirty Money, and the CIA” (1988) by the excellent author Jonathan Kwinty. This is the story of the Nugan Hand Bank scandal and it is a hell of a sale. He also wrote the classic “Mullendore Murder Case” – very, very interesting.

    I’ve mentioned it several times before, but I don’t know of a better book about America’s use and blatant misuse of mercenaries than Rachel Maddow’s first-rate “Drift.”

  • Day 5: We have taken position in the hills around Chappaqua, but our elusive quarry has yet to be located. Morale is low, we have been yelled at by bird-watchers and the Cheeto supply has been contaminated with rainwater. Our cover may be blown, but we continue on in the hope of Locking Her Up and Making America Great Again. We await orders from Field Commander O’Keefe, but we are low on pre-paid cell phone data.

    • Phried Ω

      And we haven’t been paid in months.

    • anomie

      Are you saying we should send more Cheetos?

  • Blanche de Shambles

    I guess the one bright spot here is that instead of going to Hugo Boss for the uniforms, Trump will get them made by cheap contractors in China or Bangladesh, and they will be super itchy and uncomfortable.

    • TundraGrifter

      Remember Richard Nixon’s Palace Guard uniforms? I think they went to a high school marching bank somewhere in the Midwest. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/edb88864262a358588ef8185b43ff1f21a8c586a19e974e7708b983c26dded2d.png

      • Blanche de Shambles

        If I saw one of those guys, I’d ask him to hail me a cab.

        • TundraGrifter

          And give him a bottle of Scotch at Christmas for all those times he held the packages at the desk for you.

      • Blanche de Shambles

        Holy shit- you weren’t kidding about the marching band:

        http://www.weirduniverse.net/images/2016/1970guards03.jpg

        • anomie

          It’s so cool when what seems like a joke is actually a real thing.

          Oh.. except for Trump’s presidency. That was supposed to stay a giant punchline, separate from reality.

        • TundraGrifter

          Shirley – you thought I jest?

      • george lastrapes

        Comic-opera costumes from Austria in the 1890’s.

        • TundraGrifter

          The Student Prance?

          • george lastrapes

            Precisely!

  • james crubb

    They could call it ‘the Praetorian guard’.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      I always say that people who wish to put on the trappings of Imperial Rome should look up what happened to the majority of emperors.

      • Empress of the Iguana People

        sometimes at the hands of the praetorian guard.

        • Blanche de Shambles

          Usually at the hands of the Praetorian Guard.

      • james crubb

        Yeah but this time it’s going to work because they are smarter, so so very much smarterer.
        They have learned from a part of history.

  • Mormos

    sooo state sponsored terrorism…

  • Viktor

    Mr. T rump has the greatest hair in the world. You can’t deny it, it’s been proven by science, fool!
    I pity the fool who watches CNN.
    Quit your jibba jabba Jeff Sessions.
    I believe in the Golden Rule — The Man with the Gold . . . Rules.

  • SAAAaaayyyyyy you know who else wanted a sekret police loyal to them before country?

  • azeyote

    i heard that oly north is a front man for these guys trying to get around the pesky gov. with all that covert over site – he’s been there, done that, and seems to be some kind of hero who took one for the gipper and skated – these people don’t do time for crimes against the country when there’s quotas for immigrants, and non-violent drugies to keep prisons full –

    • george lastrapes

      I heard it said of Ollie: “He’s a man of convictions, none of them pending.”

  • Poly_Ester

    The depicted Team MAGA member is a little on the scrawny side isn’t it?

    • sweet freedom

      Body by Waffle House.

  • (((Aron)))

    My favorite A-Team character was THE VAN.

    • Princess Erika the Radiant

      and i would have been sure you were a Mr. T guy!

      • (((Aron)))

        BA Barracus is my spirit animal.

  • chiefkurtz

    One issue regarding the A Team that I could never understand was why the FBI, the US Marshals, Army Intelligence, the NSA, and CIA couldn’t find these escaped fugitives, yet an old lady ripped off by con artists could.

    • JCfromNC

      Plus, 90% of the time it seemed like whatever difficultly the old lady that was ripped off was having was so blatantly illegal that I wondered why they didn’t start with the FBI.
      (I actually know the answer to this one: The fuzz is boring and requires that things be “investigated” and that “evidence” has to be collected, and then there’s all that time spent in arrests and trials. Whereas the A-Team would just go in there and blow shit up and Get ‘Er Done.)(And fire roughly a thousand rounds of high-velocity ammo that somehow never resulted in a fatality.)

  • Elizabeth Hillcrest

    That picture is HIGH ART and whoever made it deserves commendations

  • JCfromNC

    Companies like Blackwater (now Academi)[…]

    Wait, what? Blackwater’s changed names again? What are they dodging this time?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      All the things, all the time.

  • Kgprophet

    “I love it when a plan comes together only to be botched by a delusional President surrounded by sycophants.”

  • guppy06

    Instead of being bogged down by red tape and bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo, this crack squad of ex-military commandos could swoop in, grab terrorists on the toilet, and then pass out Pop-Tarts and GI Joe comics to the poor, starving children of Africa-stan.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pz59tFR2KMs

  • Mary

    Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
    On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It Sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
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  • Jezzam

    You hit the nail on the head, Dom. Mercenaries. The administration doesn’t want the boys and girls in uniform and intelligence agencies doing their jobs. They want dirtbags for-hire doing their bidding. Makes me wonder if those boys and girls are ever going to use the tools they’ve amassed to actually protect us

  • Tom Mears

    We could call it them Defense Utilization Missions, DUM for short. Pompeo could get cool secret orders via self destructing cassette tapes. “…as usual Mr. Pompeo, should any of your DUM forces be captured or killed, the President will Tweet a denial of any knowledge of you or your actions…”

    • Boojum

      Mission Unpossible.

  • SeeTrainOffTheRails

    “I love it when a poorly thought-out, badly executed plan comes together.”

  • Alan

    Please stop writing “based out of”. It has to be the single most annoying misuse of language.

  • Lady4real

    I thought Mr. Pompeo was the head of the CIA. Anyone see the irony of this? He has to now go outside the CIA to what…? Strange times.

  • Anan Nana

    You can bet Betsy Devos’s brother Erik Prince will be in line for those private contracts.

    I had to do a reality check on whether I was at the Onion on this story.

    Yikes, just crazy.

  • Anan Nana

    First people they come for ?

    Anyone who didn’t vote for Trump

    Probably why he wanted their voting records too.

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