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It's a tradition. THAT'S why we still use that dopey caption. Whippersnapper.
Richard Nixon on Wonkette’s Cranberry Business: ‘This cranberry business PUNISHES’

No first lady could even imagine making something as wonderful and perfect as your editor’s famous Wonkette Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business. It is one of those things that just blows people away, because they assume it must be so hard to make real cranberry relish because why else would we eat that Jell-o’d aspic glob from the can? IT MUST BE SO HARD. No, it isn’t, so stop whining about everything, for once.

This dish takes exactly three minutes to prepare, and another 10 or 15 minutes in the oven, and you don’t even have to think about it. Pre-heat the oven, prepare the cranberries, “slide in the pyrex,” as they say, and just turn the oven off, go outside, enjoy a marijuana cigarette, make snow angels in the trash pile outside the neighboring foreclosure, relax.

There are many recipes you can find “on the Internet” for fresh cranberry sauce, but you don’t need to do that anymore. Just send this one to your xBox or iPad or whatever and be DONE, done with the search for the ideal cranberry relish recipe.

THE THINGS YOU NEED:

  • When you’re at the store, get two sacks of fresh cranberries from the produce section. This year, we have found Organic fresh cranberries, for the first time, at the regular supermarket. They are like, a pound each. This will be plenty for eight or so people. Did your relatives refuse to use any kind of birth control, producing a larger family of say, 16 people? Just double the recipe, meaning buy two of whatever, and use twice as much, in the recipe. And “double the recipe” does not mean set the oven to 700 degrees instead of 350. Come on, people.
  • If for some reason you don’t have some basic real cane sugar and a decent bottle of bourbon at home, purchase these things in whatever respectable quantity, so next time (Friday morning) you’ll have this stuff handy. For Buy Nothing Day!
  • Oranges. Buy some of them. Fight Scurvy!

NEXT: Either right now or tomorrow or 30 minutes before carving time — IT DOES NOT MATTER — you wash the cranberries. (The thing that looks like a ’50s space helmet, it is called the colander, fill it with the cranberries and put it under the cold faucet).

Dump said berries in the Pyrex baking dish, like the one people might use for lasagna or baked manicotti. (This is a good time to remove whatever weird stuff the Stephen King characters who pick cranberries might’ve dropped in the bucket: loose teeth, “biker earrings,” etc.) Get the cheese grater and just grate on some sad-but-firm orange, right on the peel, so that the little bits of orange peel fall down upon the lonely berries. It is fine if some bigger chunks — like, half-inch-long shreds, but no bigger than that — fall down there, too. It adds “color” … orange color, in fact. Do this until you’re tired of doing it, at which point there’s probably about three teaspoons’ worth of orange “zest” in the pyrex, with the cranberries. Don’t pick it out and measure it or anything, just show some confidence. For once.

Cut open that poor orange you’ve just Gitmo’d, and squeeze the juice into your cranberry business. Do not drop the orange seeds in there, Jesus christ ….

Now drizzle a couple-five shots of bourbon on the berries. And sprinkle about half a cup of granulated cane sugar over all that. (Generally, cranberry relish recipes call for some insane amount of sugar, like three cups. Do not ruin everything, okay? Using not-so-much sugar produces a tart but still sweet-enough relish that is to be served with savory dishes like turkey and dressing, right? If you want to put this on a peanut butter sandwich, by all means use fifteen cups of sugar and chase it with an “energy drink” or whatever. Let freedom reign.) [EDITRIX HERE: I doubled the sugar to a cup and it was still very tart, to the point where the children complained about it in front of me and I kicked their asses for being stupid fucking children. Anyway, a cup of sugar is delicious.]

Cover the baking dish with foil and put it in the oven. Doesn’t really matter, whatever the oven is set to, which is going to be in the 300-425 range for your general Thanksgiving dishes crowding the oven. You also don’t need to be a dick and start yelling about how somebody needs to move the mac-and-cheese or the brussels sprouts under the broiler (and you SHOULD have simple cut-in-half olive-oil-brushed brussels sprouts under the broiler!) because you must get in your cranberry relish. Anytime is fine, and plus who will be impressed if you keep talking about it, beforehand? They might notice how easy it is to make, and then who are you? You are basically Lou Dobbs Newt Gingrich. So go outside and yell at a Mexican.

Come back inside, and please wash your hands if you were smoking or “playing with the dog” out there, and see what is going on. Are people tense? It is probably time to open a bottle of wine, go ahead and pass around maybe a Petite Syrah, something that will go with maybe some pita chips or apple slices, whatever, try to get people to relax. It is okay to have “Irish Coffees,” too, because it’s daytime.

When the cranberry business is bubbly and the berries have this nice soft-but-firm kind of thing going on, take out the pyrex and let it cool somewhere out of the way. If there’s room in the fridge, you can just put the tray in there once it’s cool to the touch. But there’s no room, jesus just look at all the food in there, plus there are about a million beers for tomorrow, so just scrape it all into something pretty, some kind of thing you might put chutney in, or whatever (ask mom).

Serve and watch how people say, “OMG I only ever had it from a can,” etc.

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  • Joe Beese

    Is our Editrix in the pocket of Big Sugar?

    WHOA IF TRUE.

    • Raan

      No, but she might be an agent of Little Sugar.

      • Lily412

        Little Sugar = Donna Rose

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Serve and watch how people say, “OMG I only ever had it from a can,” etc.

    and then the murders can begin.

  • schmannity

    Without can rib marks, how do you know where to cut???

    • aureolaborealis

      There’s also far less pleasure to be had.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    I made this last year but I added more sugar because fuck that. People really liked it.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Amy

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      • Resistance Fighter Callyson

        Spammer, no one believes you. Go away.

    • Rhonda

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      fi223d:
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      • Resistance Fighter Callyson

        Spammer, no one here is stupid enough to believe your crap. Go away.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Can we make kicking children’s asses simply for being stupid fucking children a Thanksgiving tradition from now on and henceforth? Asking for everybody everywhere.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      How about we vote-kick Roy Moore in the ass for being stupid and fucking children…

  • Joe Beese
  • GreenGoldSharpie

    Welp, I made it home and only ran a family of 6 off the road to their fiery deaths! New record!

    :-D

  • kareemachan

    I LOVE the canned stuff – but only for the turkey sandwiches I make for breakfast the next morning. And PLEASE, no miracle whip. That stuff is crap.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    This is what happens when Wonkette goes on vacation.

    “C-SPAN cuts off caller who advises Roy Moore victims to say ‘he has a tiny little’ penis”
    https://www.rawstory.com/2017/11/c-span-cuts-off-caller-who-advises-roy-moore-victims-to-say-he-has-a-tiny-little-penis/

    Knock it off you guys!

  • BMW
    • GreenGoldSharpie

      Semen is. >.>

      • Joe Beese

        I thought it was a protein.

        • GreenGoldSharpie

          Maybe? I haven’t had anyone’s analyzed.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Probably a little of both. But it comes in such small servings, I wouldn’t really worry about it. About 1 cal/cc, I’ve been told.

  • maman

    I am out of the cranberry business this year. I made one with Zinfandel last year that was so good I can’t try again. I can’t imagine what Bourbon cranberries would be like. God knows that I don’t need another reason to horde Bourbon.

  • jodyleek

    This recipe is my favorite Wonkette tradition. Oh, I don’t actually make it, I just thoroughly enjoy reading it. My family would revolt if I actually made this rather than use the can of jelly. This recipe pairs well with the “Marney Thanksgiving Letter” found on other sites that probably allow comments (Heathens!) Happy Turkey Day everyone!

    • bbayliss

      god made the canned jelly so you can slice it and put it on sandwiches the day after.

      • Lily412

        Never even thought of this, but you’re right: it’s perfect for a turkey-cran-stuffing sandwich.

  • Jenny

    I am with Editrix on kicking stupid children for complaining about foods. I have had it with the boyfriend’s kids complaining about everything ever! Jesus Christ you little shits! FINE EAT THE DIGIORNIO ASS “pizza” instead.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      “You can eat it or go hungry.”
      -Mom

      • Jenny

        Yeah, I was doing that but then their fucking mother complains about her precious babies are starving and we are so mean and never feed them.

        What I really need to do is just knock the teeth out of the mother.

      • MynameisBlarney

        “Ya wanna eat, don’tcha?”

        ~dad

      • Me not sure

        …and then the murders began.

      • SDGeoff3

        Mom: Children are starving all over the world.
        4th grade sdgeoff: Name one.
        Dad: WHACK…

        • Marion in Savannah

          I used to get the “There are children starving in Africa/China/wherever” line too. I kindly suggested that Mom pack up that stuff on my plate and send it to them. No dad around to whack, so I escaped unscathed, except for The Look.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        At my house it was “Cereal or starve.” Oh, I miss my mama.

        • aureolaborealis

          Sounds like a great Thanksgiving.

    • TJ Barke

      As a once latch key kid, digiornio was once a favorite of mine. But then, I’m a simple creature.

  • James Baskin

    Yeah, one cup of sugar for one bag of berries is fine. Also, the juice from one orange is not enough. You need one cup per bag of berries. Put em in a sauce pan and boil them until its a gooey paste. Add some chopped candied ginger and some chopped canned pears. And please don’t waste whiskey by cooking it.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    EDITRIX HERE: I doubled the sugar to a cup and it was still very tart, to the point where the children complained about it in front of me and I kicked their asses for being stupid fucking children. Anyway, a cup of sugar is delicious.

    Someone had the temerity to complain about my cranberries being tart one year, only she didn’t have the excuse of being a child. Yeah, I think I’ll take Julia Child’s word for it over someone rude enough to complain openly on Thanksgiving Day FFS.

    • gallbladder

      If it ain’t tart, it ain’t cranberries.

      • OneYieldRegular

        If they want sweet instead of tart, they should stick to Booberries.

      • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

        This right here. Exactly.

    • Me not sure

      Ahhh, good old Julia, she of the random vocal octave change.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Octave? She could glide from bassoon to piccolo with no apparent effort.

    • SDGeoff3

      My mom always does. That’s why she eats at my nasty sister’s house now. And we go out.

    • ImGoingBacon

      ‘Your mom said it was too tart, but the way she said it, she wasn’t complaining’

    • Jeffery Campbell

      It’s really true, there are two kinds of people. Not good people and bad people, rather, charming people and tedious people. Complaining about a meal to which you have been invited puts you firmly in the tedious camp.

      • Indeniable Ron

        ‘The food was terrible. And such small portions!’

    • Ms.Moon

      If the cranberries are too tart and you don’t want to add too much sugar peel an apple and grate it on the coarse side of the box grater or put in food processor then add it to the cranberry sauce. You can’t taste it, and takes away some of the tartness.

  • Joe Beese
    • Villago Delenda Est

      That’s what it’s all about!

      • Me not sure

        Oh God, I hope that’s not true.

      • TJ Barke

        Curses! That’s what I was gonna say…

    • gallbladder

      I hear he was admitted for both hokey and pokey.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        K-Pax was pretty hokey. But I thought he did a great job in it.

    • ManchuCandidate

      There is no cure for being an asshole.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Case in point: Donald J. Trump

      • Joe Beese

        But if we give generously during the telethons, someday there will be.

  • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

    So is Donnie having a Big Mac and large fries with a side order of 20pc McNuggets for the White House Thanksgiving?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “Your cranberries are too tart. And you voted for Ralph Wiggum. I despise you.”

    • aureolaborealis

      “And do I detect a whiff of elderberry?”

  • Cock Blockula

    Hope it’s all open thread all day all weekend…

    Here’s something for Raymond Chandler fans:

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/22/books/raymond-chandler-new-story.html

    • Joe Beese

      General Sternwood: How do you like your brandy, sir?
      Philip Marlowe: In a glass.

    • Anna in PDX

      Hey thanks! I was just sitting here reading a Dashiell Hammett and thinking about reading some Chandler next.

      • TundraGrifter

        I believe The Strand Magazine (first publisher of a Sherlock Holmes story, of course – at least the English version of that periodical) also published a found Dashiell Hammett story.

    • TundraGrifter

      Thank you! I will look that magazine up. The only readers who aren’t fans of Raymond Chandler are those who have not discovered him.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Had dinner with my doctor friends a couple weeks ago, they threw me a birthday party! Anyway Dr Mrs Doctor made this recipe, or something very similar, while Dr Mr Doctor and I were sucking down the cider we made last fall, and it was godlike. Had she put in the bourbon, it probably would have been God himself.

    Take, and eat of it!

  • Anna Rompage

    Recipe option,

    Replace the bourbon with 4-5 oz of moderately priced Port wine (tawny if you can find it), and maybe add a tablespoon of grated ginger…

    Don’t use the super cheap stuff as it’s shit, but it’s a waster to use expensive port in this recipe…

    • TundraGrifter

      Inexpensive Port is my “cooking sherry” of choice. It really lights up French Onion Soup.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Open can of sauce.
    Pour into bowl
    Stick spoon in.

    Pour tumbler 1/2 full of Vodka and add 1/2 tumbler of cranberry juice.
    Enjoy!

    • gallbladder

      Vodka…so that’s what I’ve been missing all these years.

      • SDGeoff3

        Want something really tart? Use gin.

        • Lily412

          I <3 gin. Prairie brand is the best I've had thus far.

          • SDGeoff3

            Never tried it, but I’ll look. Have you tried Barrs Honey Gin? It’s heaven.

          • Lily412

            Nope. What kind of flavor does it have? I used to like the juniper-heavy ones like Bombay Sapphire, but now I lean towards floral gins.

          • SDGeoff3

            It has a typical gin flavor, but verrrry smooooth.

    • calliecallie

      Turkey-tini: Double shot of Wild Turkey and a hint of cranberry juice.

  • neminem

    Petite *Sirah*, not *Syrah*. Syrah is a totally different grape (but it *is* the same grape as Shiraz). Yes, this is absolutely confusing, I didn’t come up with this stuff. :p

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I didn’t know that. Maybe I’ll drag that tidbit out so I can look like real pedant wine snob at my wife’s cousin’s house tomorrow. They always have a huge assortment of wines out.

    • Anna Rompage

      And welches purple grape juice with a couple shots of whatever liquor you have in the cabinet, is a fine substitute!

      • neminem

        Ha.

        Actually, if you want to taste Welches-flavored wine, you should visit the Niagara, NY area and go wine tasting: the Niagara grape is the most popular white grape for grape juice, but if you visit Niagara itself, they also make wine out of it, which 100% still tastes just like white grape juice, but is as alcoholic as any other wine. Wine snobs would hate it, but as a fan of totally wacky wines, I thought it was pretty fun.

        • SDGeoff3

          Lake Niagara! My dad used to serve it on holidays. Wretched nasty bilious stuff.

        • Indeniable Ron

          For all the times I’ve been through the area, I still don’t understand why people insist on growing grapes there. In Europe they plant on the south side of hills to catch the warm sun; in NY and PA they plant on the north side of hills to catch the lake-effect blizzards.

    • Lily412

      Write up a wine article and let Editrix run it. You sound like you know your stuff.

    • aureolaborealis
      • neminem

        Heh. I’ve had two of the three – the traditional Concord tastes too cheap (i.e. like *cheap* grape juice rather than good grape juice), but I actually rather like the Blackberry. Never seen the Elderberry in the wild.

      • keinsignal
      • Ms.Moon

        We took the godchildren to church and they had communion with the Concord Grape Manoschewitz, they couldn’t get over it.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    I’ll never know if this is any good or not because our failing public schools insist on sending kids home with recipes for cranberry sauce so they can “help” in the kitchen. I’ve spent several years choking down a few spoonfuls of the resultant goop. I don’t know how you fuck up something that only has one more ingredient than PB&J, but they manage. Between kid-made cranberry sauce and Christmas “concerts,” I’m all about charter schools and vouchers from Thanksgiving through mid-January.

    • Lily412

      You’re probably already familiar with this one, but here’s an easy recipe for kids to do and feel like they’re participating:

      -Mix together 1 egg, 1 cup sugar, 1 cup peanut butter
      -Drop onto greased or lined cookie pan
      -350 degrees, 6-8 minutes

      Easy-peasy

      ETA: this makes peanut butter cookies, in case that’s unclear

      • Marion in Savannah

        The variation I’ve got has the same egg and PB, but 3/4 cup sugar and 1½ tsp. vanilla extract. Makes delicious cookies, and you’re right — things can’t get much easier!

      • Zyxomma

        But … but … peanuts are one of the worst allergens! Peanut butter kills! You MONSTER!!!1!!11! (Actually, it’s hard to believe any school would share a recipe containing peanut butter in this iteration of the 21st century.)

        • Lily412

          Yeah, that was back in like ’98 when we learned that one.

  • SDGeoff3

    Now this is how a recipe should be written. Could a Wonkette Cookbook be in our future?

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Oh, how I would rustle up the Amero$$ for that!

      • SDGeoff3

        The recipes are some of the funniest pieces sometimes.

    • SisterArtemis

      Check out the many recipes under the recipe tab on the menu. It’s true – wonkette recipes are the best!

      • SDGeoff3

        I’ve made quite a few, and cannot agree more! (Moar)

    • calliecallie

      There should definitely be a wonkette cookbook. OMG.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    Okay, because I am boy-scout-like-always-prepared and have everything, including, but not limited to, sad orange (to go with sad college girls who are here), I’m fixing to get this ready. Cannot wait recipes on the Wonkette are hella more entertaining than elsewhere!!

    • Lily412

      Come for Yr snark, stay for Mommy’s recipes.

    • TundraGrifter

      Sad college girls? Victims of The Turkey Dump?

      • Jeffery Campbell

        LOL, two nieces and assorted “orphaned” friends across three college campuses. I promised them a really fine meal (with assorted wines) if they could tutor us on Snapchat or whatever the young people are up to these days.

        • TundraGrifter

          Free advice always being worth what you paid for it, sounds like some games would be perfect. Something really loud and silly, like Pit (with the bell – otherwise it isn’t worth playing). If all you have are cards, try Up the River, Down the River. Or I Doubt It. Yahtzee or Pig or Shut The Box if you have dice. Games are back! And a couple of hours of Phone Ban would make a big difference.

          • TheFamilyThalamusPersists

            My kids are partial to Cards Against Humanity.
            It is actually pretty fun.

          • TundraGrifter

            Apples to Apples is another big fun ice-breaker.

          • Jeffery Campbell

            We’ve been playing Canasta and it’s been a riot. Games is the was to go!

          • TundraGrifter

            There’s a classic! Our family was big on Canasta. I used to carry around in my wallet the score sheet from a game where I came from way back to beat my niece! We also played Samba and a little Bolivia – and an obscure offshoot called “Palm Beach” that was so long ago I can’t remember the rules. Wasn’t Goldfinger cheating at Canasta?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Started my tomato sauce for the traditional Thanksgiving stuffed shells. It should be ready in about six hours. At which point, if I’m still sober, that’s when the cooking begins.

    • Lily412

      Your sauce takes six hours? I must be doing it wrong. I just kind of make shit up, though.

      • SayItWithWookies

        I used canned crushed tomatoes, but the trick is to let them simmer long enough for that tartness to turn into sweetness — whatever molecules make it tart at some point break apart into sugars, and literally one moment the sauce will be tart and the next it’ll have a rich sweetness to it instead.
        Adding something sweet and just cooking it for a short while is more what folks do, but that just puts a thin layer of sweetness on top of the tartness. This is (to me, at least) completely different.

        • Marion in Savannah

          You’re absolutely right. If I’m in a desperate rush for time I’ll add something sweet, but when I have the time for a long, slow simmer on the back burner the sauce is SOOO much better.

        • Lily412

          I didn’t know that! I’ve been using sugar.

          • SayItWithWookies

            Give this a try when you have the time — you’ll never want to just sweeten it again. Since my family is Italian they get pretty strict about how sauce is made, they never added sugar or any sweetener of any kind (a restaurant around here adds carrots. Carrots!).

          • TundraGrifter

            Carrots! The monsters! Do they think it’s Easter?

          • Oblios_Cap

            I do that, too.

          • TheFamilyThalamusPersists

            Carrots are in Bolognese!!!

          • SayItWithWookies

            This place puts it in their marinara — it’s a farce.

          • TheFamilyThalamusPersists

            Yeah… that is a bit weird.

          • Joey Brill

            Just reduce the sugar by a third and add some squished fresh basil in there. The sugar police will see basil and give you a pass. Or, you can say “Sugar? Stop lying; it’s fresh basil!” and they will back off just enough. Cats love red sauce with sugar, btw. Point your cat at them if they get up in your business.

          • Ill-Advised

            You are One Who Knows.

          • Lily412

            My cat loves V8 juice.

        • TundraGrifter

          I also use canned plum tomatoes and about a hour before I’m going to serve I crush them in the pot being careful to mash the skins as well so nobody gets a big hunk.

  • Historicat

    You can never go wrong with the classics. This is the official start to Thanksgiving, kind of like Santa at the Macy’s parade but tastier.

  • William

    I will be serving cranberry sauce cleverly shaped like a can like REAL ‘Muricans do.

    • TundraGrifter

      There is a difference between sauce and relish.

      • William

        I will relish the sauce.

    • eyelashviper

      With the required green bean casserole made with canned condensed Campbell’s soup, topped with canned fried onions…cooked into mushiness.

      • Edith Prickly

        Why would you do that to the poor beans??

        • eyelashviper

          thankfully, I never have, but I do recall it being served at some Thanksgiving dinner, brought by a relative.

          • Edith Prickly

            Did you have a blood pressure cuff on hand for any hypertensive family members? I just looked up Campbell’s green bean casserole recipe and the sodium must be off the chart.

          • TheFamilyThalamusPersists

            Meh! Just thin slice a couple of shallots and med-low saute them in a teaspoon or so of EVOO. Little salt, little pepper. About ten minutes. Then put your skinny French green beans in and cook for a couple minutes. Dump about 1/2c water& stir a bit till it’s evaporated (? 5 mins). Repeat, maybe add another minute of two. Test for doneness-make sure all water has evaporated or the flavor will be diluted. Adjust seasonings. Easy, delicious.

  • Nancy Duggan

    Put a minced Serrano chili in there, it’ll keep the kids away and kick everyone else in the face.

  • eyelashviper

    In the prep for making the cranberry yumminess, how much bourbon should be consumed?
    Asking for a foodie friend…

    • aureolaborealis

      Yes.

    • Ill-Advised

      As much as it takes to ____________ (add goal here).

      Alternatively, declare drinking game for whatever football you’re using for background noise.

  • onedollarjuana

    How come the chilluns didn’t complain about the bourbon?

    • Indeniable Ron

      Do you think they’d prefer rye instead? I’d be willing to make the experiment.

      • Jon Sussex

        One bourbon, one scotch, one beer.

  • Teto85

    Looks good. Imma gonna try that. Thanks

  • Moar Wordz

    Love it ! Not sure we’ll have the oven space so is it totes cheating to cook in a saucepan ?

    • Zyxomma

      I believe the proper phrasing is “Fuck all y’all.”

      Right on. I’ve been vegan for decades, and whenever I’m invited to Thanksgiving (and actually go, which is increasingly rare), I bring my own food, and plenty to share. The cranberry-orange relish is usually the first to disappear, and IIRC there’s never any leftover of whatever dessert I make.

      This habit saved Thanksgiving one of the years I accompanied the ex to his younger daughter’s mother-in-law’s place for family Thanksgiving. His ex (said daughter’s mother) bought most of the “feast” from Whole Foods (she’s a genuine JAP, what she makes best is reservations). The ex loves knives, and assigned himself the turkey-carving task. It was horrifyingly fascinating for me, because he always ate vegan when we were together (I was aware he ate fowl, fish, and dairy; he just didn’t do it when I was around).

      The WF gravy, apparently, looked and tasted like wallpaper paste (no, I didn’t taste it, are you fucking kidding me?). I had brought my incredibly delicious vegan mushroom-onion gravy to pour over my stuffed portobellos and vegan mashed potatoes. That gravy ended up poured over the portions of huge dead bird, the mashed potatoes, and the stuffing, and was a huge hit. The gravy from WF was unceremoniously discarded (can’t remember if Helen has a garbage disposal or if we flushed it down the toilet). Our hostess and the ex’s ex were extremely grateful.

      • efoveks

        Gravy is one of those things best made from scratch. Most of the crap that passes as gravy has too much thickener and milk, and not enough well-crafted base. :)

        • Zyxomma

          I’d forgotten until this moment that there are people who put milk in gravy. Never on my watch!

          Not only do I make the gravy from scratch, I made the broth concentrate from scratch. I always have a few pints in the freezer, so they’re ready to use when I want to make gravy, a stew, or a soup. I defrosted one today for tomorrow’s gravy.

        • honestly gravy is the only thing about this meal that stresses me. i’ve been doing it for a decade and i still have to ask whatever ladies are in my kitchen for pointers.

      • Moar Wordz

        Sounds delish. I didn’t mean to slam those folks, merely the behavior of frazzling their hosts. Bcse some people w/food restrictions can be utter pains about it. This isn’t hearsay, I’ve worked in restaurants a long time.
        Nice of you to bring dishes you prepare.
        When the jobs are divided, Thanksgiving not stressful but fun.
        I made a side dish described by a vegan chef in the WF’s Thanksgiving magazine. Baby Bellas,shiitakes, chanterelles, trumpet mushrooms tossed in o.o, kosher salt, white wine, and sherry vin. There was no recipe but I thought it sounded great. It was good but I have to tweak as I added too much acid..
        ..” A Jap whose good at making reservations, ” funny description.
        I know WF’s is particularly able to cater to food restrictions, which is why I joked about it. It ain’t my first choice. I often find that the male staff behind meat, fish, & prepared food counters are mean & verbally abusive. To me, at least.
        On Tuesday I was called a ” Disgusting Alcoholic ” by a complete stranger behind the fish case. I called & complained. I was so taken aback that I didn’t point out that they were giving me the muddiest oysters in the case.
        Is it wrong that being called an alcoholic didn’t bother me but being called ” disgusting ” did ?
        I deal w/ stuff like this on the daily.
        My yoga teacher was also harassed by guy at WF’s deli case and they comped the purchase.
        They didn’t offer to comp $35.00 of oysters….
        I have some privacy issues big time but since it sounds out there when I describe it or report it, I’m kind of stuck.

  • Truthiness2U

    Alas, I have no bourbon, and I do have Cabernet, so I’m going to go with my classic Cabernet cranberry sauce recipe instead

    https://www.thespruce.com/cabernet-cranberry-sauce-recipe-101446

    Maybe next year I’ll try the wonkette one

  • mondojohnson

    Now THIS is the type of mommyblog and recipe hub content we have been starved for in these dark chaotic times. I am thankful for this recipe, and for the excuse to go buy some bourbon.

  • Pirate Jenny

    I like the recipe on the bag of cranberries (and I add orange zest), but this looks good; I may have to try it!

  • Bezoar

    Hi Ken, delighted to hear from you. Would love to hear your thoughts, do I have to buy your book? Okay, I guess.

  • Anarchy Unicorn

    I skip the orange sometimes because I’m lazy and just use orange booze. Triple Sec usually because Cointreau is too goddamn pricey to cook with.

  • Nodrama4mama

    I use amaretto for mine and make it on the stovetop the night before, then bring it to slightly cooler than room temp the next day.

  • Zyxomma

    I always make my own organic cranberry orange relish. Sometimes I make it raw in the Vitamix (cranberries, raspberries, orange and orange zest although tangerines will do in a pinch, sweet spices including Sri Lanka cinnamon, ginger, allspice, vanilla bean, and cardamom, and soaked dried fruit, either apricots or dates, as the sweetener); other times I cook it with hazelnuts. Don’t forget to add a little salt; it balances the sweetness.

  • Shibusa

    I already made mine for tomorrow but I’ve bookmarked this one for next year.
    If you ever want to try another one, this is my old standby: https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/bourbon-cranberry-sauce-2715
    Super-easy and so yum.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    I usually add this suggestion: avoid the white stuff (“pith”?) under the zest as it can be bitter. Just the orange zest.

  • DustBowlBlues

    I make it every year but increase the sugar. Sorry, Ken.

    • miss ken layne.

    • rebecca

      i’m with you

  • thepoliticalcat

    Yay, it’s Drunky Uncle Ken Layne! I’ve been on Wonkette since it was Ken Layne’s.

  • This is my favorite Wonkette recipe, hands-down. Granted, the first year I made it, I set it down on my glass dining room table, which was already holding the turkey and most of the other dishes, and the table immediately shattered, glass everywhere. We couldn’t eat the cranberry stuff, because glass (most of the other stuff was covered with lids and was saved.) But it’s gone off without a hitch every year since. My sister-in-law was particularly impressed by it this year. I think she actually did say “I only ever had it from a can”. Of course, she was also completely wasted, so maybe she was easily impressed.

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