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That is one ugly tux, in the way only ’70s formalwear could do ugly.

Who can forget this classic Thanksgiving liquor cake recipe from First Lady Betty Ford? Our dearly departed Juli Weiner wrote this up several Thanksgivings ago, and we still reprint it every year, even though she left us to write Harry Potter slash fiction photo-comics for Vanity Fair and now writes for Last Week Tonight with that English fella.

Here is one for the “chocoholics,” starring Betty Ford! It’s a Chocolate Icebox Dessert, and while it SOUNDS racist, that is just because of all the liquor.

Grab the following:

6 eggs
1 angel food cake
12 oz. chocolate chips
4 tb. of sugar
6 tb. of water
2 ts. vanilla
1 ts. salt
2 c. whipping cream

12 steps to dessert fun:

Get a cake pan, it should measure 9 x 9, so it should look like a square. Line it with “wax paper,” which people… buy.. at.. hardware stores (?). Cut up the angel food cake, use a spoon or plastic spatula or some dull edge鈥擭O ONE LIKES A PROBLEM鈥攁nd place it in the pan. Separate the eggs and beat the yolks until they have reached a Bellini-like coloring and consistency.

Melt the chocolate in a double boiler over water. Ask someone what a double boiler is. Have that person boil the chocolate. Squeeze that person’s waist inappropriately, wink, and walk out of the room to lie down. Using your hands to make sure the floor is still there, come back to the kitchen and add sugar and water and mix, and then add in egg yolks too. Beat it awhile more, just beat it until you feel like you’re losing control, and then sit for awhile and come back and beat it some more and then let it cool. “Just be cool,” you’ll say aloud, “to the dessert.”

Add vanilla and salt, get the person who found the boiler and ask them why this is the single most complicated recipe on Earth. You’re not even HUNGRY. You just ate yesterday. Mix again, beat the egg whites and fold them into the chocolate and then add the whip cream, which you also should have beaten, because you have to do everything. Everything’s on your shoulders, all the time, just like this constant weight. Spread the frosting around the cake part and put it in the refrigerator overnight. Sleep slumped up against the refrigerator, so you’ll be able to tell if anything goes wrong.

[RecipeSource]

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  • 馃崄 Girl Guide Salute 馃枛馃徎

    FIRST!

    No offense to Betty, but are there going to be any posts of Hillary and Michelle recipes? Jackie O? Eleanor? Why should the GOP have all the holiday fun?

    • Eleanor would have served hot dogs to keep FDR grounded!

      • Indeniable Ron

        I think I know what we’re having for dinner tonight. Thanks!

        • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

          Ground hot dogs?

          • Indeniable Ron

            No lie, one day I was making a BIG batch of lasagna and ran out of ground beef, and everything was closed, so I minced some wieners and used that. Surprisingly tasty.

      • ImGoingBacon

        The story goes that FDR and Eleanor served tuna and other simple fare during his 4th inauguration, as they did not want to show any excessive spending in war time.

        • I stand to be corrected but I believed that she served hot dogs to Churchill (or other national heavy weight) during an official state visit.

          • ImGoingBacon

            I can here that phone call to the WH galley now. ‘More hotdogs please. Ole Winny is really grinding through them, damn his bloodshot eyes’.

          • godsaidHA

            yup. see above.

      • godsaidHA
        • One remarkable woman. If she were alive today I would plead with her to run for the highest office.

    • Jenny

      Jackie would probably just make you eat whipped egg whites. For your health.

      • 馃崄 Girl Guide Salute 馃枛馃徎

        Michelle would make me eat my vegetables?

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Probably not. All the women you mentioned are tasteful and probably make things not suitable for us wonkers.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Dem first ladies don’t cook because they are all lesbianfeminaziballbustinguglyslutbitches. Don’tcha know.

  • Joe Beese

    I was promised liquor.

    Where is the liquor?

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Betty drank it all.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Too soon!

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Yesterday it was sexual assault, sexual assault, sexual assault. Now it’s recipes, recipes, recipes!

    a nice change…

    • TJ Barke

      As long as none of these recipes leads to sexual assault.

      • renegade500

        There was some questionable touching in the above recipe.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        ALL recipes lead to sexual assault because We Are Men, apparently.
        Actually, my wife gets a little hands with me sometimes when I’m at the stove, but that all depends on how early the wine gets opened.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I’m not about to cast aspersions at Jerry’s tux. I mean, it goes flawlessly with Dancing Derek’s simply fabulous not-at-all-gay-and-how-DARE-you-suggest-otherwise flag-twirling routine.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      They don’t call it the “Peacock Era” of men’s formal fashion for nothing.

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • The Wanderer

    George Washington’s egg nog recipe.
    It includes brandy, rye whisky, Jamaican rum, and sherry wine.
    I think we now know where the booze went.

    • TJ Barke

      You’d think one of those would suffice…

      • The Wanderer

        Look up the “Egg Nog Riot” at West Point. Way back in the day, these people knew how to party.

      • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

        YOU WOULD BE DEAD FUCKING WRONG

        • elviouslyqueer

          “One of those would suffice” is like saying “I’ll only just put the tip in.”

    • marxalot

      Geeze, no wonder they had a war over whiskey.

    • elviouslyqueer

      That reminds me. I need to go to the liquor store and stock up on Evan Williams eggnog. It’s MAGICAL.

      • The Wanderer

        I usually buy egg nog (not canned), and will drink it with either rum, bourbon or Kahlua.

        • elviouslyqueer

          This comes pre-made with whiskey, brandy, AND rum.

          • The Wanderer

            Whee! I shall add it to my shopping list!

          • Oblios_Cap

            I saw that when I went to the liquor store this week. I will try some.

        • Resistor Radio

          I鈥檝e never tried Kahlua with eggnog but it sounds awesome! I bet frangelico would be good too.

      • Arolpin

        My sister-in-law is filming for a documentary about the hurricane in Puerto Rico this weekend, so she is not bringing the traditional 2-liter pop bottles of Coquito this year, and I’m sure my brother could do it, but he’s been sober for 20+ years, so I wouldn’t ask him to.
        I may have to learn to make it myself dammit! Now to find a Shasta or store-brand 2-liter bottle for authenticity….

    • Marion in Savannah

      Chatham Artillery Punch (from the Chatham Artillery here in Savannah) is quite the thing. You don’t realize how strong it is until you try to stand up and your knees bend the wrong way.

      https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1013708-original-chatham-artillery-punch

      • Arolpin

        A (more complex, like it takes 2 weeks) version of this was a staple at any big event on my mom’s side. We used to joke that if you did it right they party would end up with more babies started than marriages ended (and yes, people were regularly caught making out with someone other than the one that brung them).

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Mom’s side of the family writers or schoolteachers?

          • Arolpin

            Her dad was a surgeon, and he learned the recipe in WWII, in either the Philippians or Korea. Her mom was a teacher (started teaching high school at 16) until she had kids, and then just ran the local school board for about 30 years. All the kids were Doctors, Lawyers, or Engineers, but a couple teachers among the spouses (my dad included).
            I think it’s more that my grandparents were successful adults in the ’50s, when people drank a TON, had an entire basement room devoted to cases of various boozes, and they liked throwing big parties, and always had lots of fruit trees and siblings/cousins who owned citrus farms in Texas and Florida, so the ingredients were readily available and it became expected that any party at Doc’s was going to have several pots of Chatham’s.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Good times!

    • Nockular cavity

      George Washington’s egg nog recipe. It includes brandy, rye whisky, Jamaican rum, and sherry wine.

      Oh, sure this guy wasn’t smoking any of the hemp. Sure.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Looks like he wouldn’t have need to.

  • Oblios_Cap

    That tux might be offensive, but the tree decorations are even worse.

    • marxalot

      In many ways, the 70s were a decade without quality control.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Yeah, they were pretty great.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Unless you were driving an American car. :(

          (American cars today are among the best made anywhere, but back then… hoooboy.)

      • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

        Malcolm Baldridge hadn’t fallen off his horse yet.

    • ImGoingBacon

      her hair! and she’s not even from the South.

  • Juan de Fuca

    I tried this recipe but substituted the cake, eggs, vanilla, water and salt with a glass of Cruzan rum and it turned out excellent.

    • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

      Mt. Gay LIBULLLLLZZZZ!!!!1!!

  • Lazyjay

    LAZYJAYS Cranberry Sauce:
    1 12oz bag fresh cranberries
    2 cups sugar
    2 cups water

    dump in a pot and bring to boil. cook until the cranberries stop popping.
    cool down and enjoy.
    replace water with orange juice or cranberry juice and add some cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves for some variety.

    • Zippy49

      My wife adds ground chipotle chile to half of her batch… my favorite.

      • Lazyjay

        the egg yolk is safe raw. The white gives me pause as the is no lemon juice or vinegar to kill the salmonella.

        • Marion in Savannah

          You can buy pasteurized eggs in the shell. I’ve never bothered, and we’re still here.

        • Zippy49

          My wife was a health inspector for our state’s Food and Drug agency… tell her that nonsense, get your biz shut down.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Isn’t the Bellini a hotel in Vegas? This recipe makes no fucking sense.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Dammit, just when I thought reading Wonkette was going to help me stick to my diet they had to go and post something that I’d actually want to eat.

    • mardam422

      Yeah, but you can’t actually make it. So there’s that.

      • Indeniable Ron

        You don’t MAKE it, you just consume the individual ingredients by themselves. Though that might be a bit too much salt to put on six eggs.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Also, this is as good a place as any to wish you good Wonkers a happy Thanksgiving!

    https://twitter.com/funder/status/933362309053014016

    • The Wanderer

      I am thankful for Donald Trump, as he is an object lesson for succeeding generations on who NOT to elect President.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        “Why’d you need someone to tell ya / what you oughta know all along”

        – John Doe, “A Matter of Degrees”

      • monoglot

        I am thankful someone still believes there will be succeeding generations…

    • marxalot

      Yeshua Miriam and Cat Stevens…

  • marxalot

    Does it count as “drinking” if I put triple sec or curacao in the hot cranberry sauce?

    • The Wanderer

      No. No, it does not.

      • marxalot

        I mean, it’s gonna cook thoroughly. I figure it’s basically like vanilla.

        • The Wanderer

          Damn straight. It’s a flavoring agent.

    • Lazyjay

      add it after you cook the cranberry sauce.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      just please tell me not the blue kind

  • Nounverb911
    • The Wanderer

      “Due to a mixup in Urology, apple juice will not be served in the cafeteria.”

      Young Doctors in Love

      • 馃崄 Girl Guide Salute 馃枛馃徎

        Your ology or my ology?

        • The Wanderer

          Beautiful old joke.
          Fun Fact: I got hold of a sterile (just autoclaved) plastic urinal, filled it with ginger ale and strolled down the hallways in the hospital to visit my Dad. Threw the nurses into a tizzy, I can tell you.

    • Indeniable Ron

      I do not want to know how it was used, nor where.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      What…the…what?

      • Nounverb911

        Found on a visit to the local Japanese grocery store…

        • Oblios_Cap

          Hai, so desu.

    • mancityRed6

      it’s better than recycled

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      :::pulls down sock – examines lower leg:::

      Nope! No shin spigot for used apple juice there!

  • schmannity

    A Betty Ford Clinic fave!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Indeniable Ron

      Now THAT is some trolling.

  • Nounverb911

    Latest from our favorite presidential troll.

    https://twitter.com/VicenteFoxQue/status/933358682766749701

    • Me not sure

      I thought that a Quesada was like a Mexican grilled cheese sammich.

    • TJ Barke

      I just love that he is constantly giving Donnie shit…

      • Amy

        Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
        On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It Sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don鈥檛 check it
        fu351d:
        鉃解灲
        鉃解灲;鉃解灲 http://GoogleInternetSpaceComunityWorkFromHome/make/more 鈽呪湯鈽呪槄鉁槄鉁槄鈽呪湯鈽呪湯鈽呪槄鉁槄鉁槄鈽呪湯鈽呪湯鈽呪槄鉁槄鉁槄鈽呪湯鈽呪湯鈽呪槄鉁槄鉁槄鈽呪湯鈽呪湯鈽呪槄鉁槄鉁槄鈽呪湯鈽呪湯:::::fu351lhhhh

        • TJ Barke

          Go home, Lori, you’re drunk.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Some kind soul should tell her that driving a Range Rover when drunk can get you in trouble.

      • Rhonda

        Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
        On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It Sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don鈥檛 check it
        fi223d:
        鉃解灲
        鉃解灲;鉃解灲 http://GoogleOnlineConsultEasyTechJobsOpportunities/easy/jobs 鈽呪湯鈽呪槄鉁槄鉁槄鈽呪湯鈽呪湯鈽呪槄鉁槄鉁槄鈽呪湯鈽呪湯鈽呪槄鉁槄鉁槄鈽呪湯鈽呪湯鈽呪槄鉁槄鉁槄鈽呪湯鈽呪湯鈽呪槄鉁槄鉁槄鈽呪湯鈽呪湯:::::fi223lhhh

        • TJ Barke

          You’re cute and all, but I don’t think we have anything in common…

    • arglebargle

      This is one of the good Mexicans Donnie assumed existed.

    • proudgrampa

      Never thought I would say this, but mebbe I’ll emigrate to Mexico. It’s warmer there, and they have tequila.

  • rocktonsam

    KEN LAYNE!!!!!1!!
    LETS DRINK!

  • To be honest Amy was a letdown after them soap opera pretty Ford Boys.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Susan’s epic boyfight with Candice Bergen was fun.

  • SisterArtemis

    I love this write up, so not complaining JUST NOTICING, OK? Oh, innocent times, innocent little jokes (I’ve bolded the relevant bit)

    Melt the chocolate in a double boiler over water. Ask someone what a double boiler is. Have that person boil the chocolate. Squeeze that person鈥檚 waist inappropriately, wink, and walk out of the room to lie down….”

    • proudgrampa

      Now THAT’s recipe-porn!

      • SDGeoff3

        They never let us down here.

        • proudgrampa

          Indeed!

    • little miss high and mighty

      creditz?
      Whos wrote this besides Charlie P?

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • Mystery_Poster

      They call them Franken-pines.

      • SDGeoff3

        We have Franken-palms in these here parts, and they are just as nasty.

        • ryp

          I hear the Franken-palms like to touch butts.

  • Msgr_M惟ment

    Beat it awhile more, just beat it until you feel like you鈥檙e losing control

    Wow. That turned porno pretty quick.

    • arglebargle

      I’m so excited. And I just can’t hide it.

    • (((Aron)))

      Just hold on loosely,
      But don鈥檛 let go.

      If you cling too tightly,
      You鈥檙e gonna lose control.

      • Ill-Advised

        B-52s have been duly slammed. Carry on, or karaoke.

    • Don’t you make me repeat it!

  • proudgrampa

    Wait a minute. We separated the yolks from the whites.

    WHYINHELL are we mixing them back together again??!!??

    • You’re whipping them and adding them to the previous mixture and folding them back in for the desired light and airy texture it’ll create.

    • SDGeoff3

      Because we are liberals, silly goose.

    • Zyxomma

      Fluffiness. Texture. Airiness. Whatever you want to call it, it’s as if you were making a souffle.

      • proudgrampa

        ;-)

        Happy Thanksgiving!

        • Zyxomma

          Happy Thanksgiving to you. I’m a proudvegan, but I understand the chemistry of cooking and baking.

          • efoveks

            I always associate vegans with knowing how to cook, seeing as how this is a lifestyle that requires a person to actually pay attention to what they eat and how it’s made. Btw, a while back I had some vegan chocolate cake at a coffee place and it was wonderful. The icing was super rich and decadent, so I am now of the mind that you and your kind are holding back some delicious SEKRITS from the rest of us! ;)

            (Happy Thanksgiving Zyxomma!)

  • Suse

    Where in the hell is the booze? I was told there would be booze!

    • cloudbase

      I was just wondering the same thing myself….

  • StrangerCaptainHowdy

    Not funny.

  • Edith Prickly

    Where’s the booze? can I douse the cake in sherry (like an English trifle) or
    Kahlua (tiramisu-ey-like?)

  • means are the ends

    1. There is no booze
    2. A 9×9 pan will not hold all that.
    3. Sounds delicious.

  • Ali Ketzle Ezell

    Can you just use Cool Whip?

    • BelmontPublicLibrary

      Cripes, no!

  • You guys totally faked me out. It took me reading through the recipe a couple of times to realize that there’s no booze …Betty Ford…Betty Ford Clinic….ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

  • ryp

    As far as the 70s go, that was actually a pretty tasteful tux.

  • ryp

    The last decent Republican president.

  • cloudbase

    Wait, the title said BOOZY. I was expecting a step where some booze got poured in the cake, not just my mouth, so that others might enjoy. Am I alone in this!?

    • efoveks

      No. I was hoping for some rumminess to fall into the cake, but such was not to be. :( I would definitely add some though. To the cake. And to me. Although to me I would probably add some kind of really good American style, made- in -Amurrica whiskey.

  • Ill-Advised

    I get my wax paper from cereal box liners. Not sure where the Bourbon is, unless it’s been stashed in the garage again, in case of earthquake.

  • delia jones

    i miss you ken

  • Moar Wordz

    My Mom made this cake for her Christmas parties.
    I kept wondering where the booze was, too.

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