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Hola, Wonkers, ready to win a caption contest? Don’t worry, we’ll forget to pick a winner like we always do!

Here is Carter Page lollygagging into Congress to give the Senate Intelligence Committee some top-secret documents, which probably prove once and for all that the real story of 2016 Russian meddling is that Hillary Clinton and the Dodgy Dossier (which is fucking true) are trying to kill him. According to NBC’s Frank Thorp on Twitter, Page danced right into the flock of reporters waiting to shove microphones into senators’ faces for comments about the Al Franken allegations (yes, there are Al Franken allegations now. We’re getting to them!). Look at him. Just fucking look at him:

HI EVERYBODY! WHAT’S EVERYBODY DOING? WHO WANTS TO HAVE LUNCH WITH ME?

We already speculated while reading the transcript of Page’s batshit one million-hour testimony to the House Intelligence Committee that Page would be the first person to ever plead insanity in a CONGRESSIONAL HEARING, but now we are certain that will happen, probably before Christmas.

What in hell is that hat? Who wears that hat in public? Is it like a MAGA hat for particularly dapper dandies? Where did he get it? Etsy? Big Lots? Did he spend a long time deciding whether or not to wear it this morning? Does he have that hat in multiple colors?

Was there an 1980s movie soundtrack playing as he flitted through the halls of Congress to deliver unto the Senate Intel Committee a bunch of documents that prove once and for all that he’s the dumbest fucking Russian spy who ever lived? Or is this a scene from the Broadway production of Thoroughly Modern Millie? Was Page preceded into the building by a troupe of jolly man dancers singing about how Carter has hit the big time now?

SO MANY QUESTIONS.

OK, do your caption contest in the comments. The winner will receive Carter Page’s hat, assuming we can figure out how to trick him into giving it to us. Oh! We’ll just say we are Russian and we think he’s sexxxy. He’ll probably give us his shirt and and his pants and his handy dandy man purse too!

UPDATING TO ADD! Here is a clearer close-up of Carter Page’s sexxxy hat:

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  • Raan

    Well then.

    That’s, uh…that sure is something.

  • msanthropesmr

    Mayim Bialik wants her hat back.

  • msanthropesmr

    He’s trying to make the cover of teen Vogue.

  • Joe Beese

    Maybe he ran out of fucks to give.

  • Crank Tango
    • MynameisBlarney

      Shoulda scrolled down before I posted, lol.

  • Relativicus

    Carter Page is going to jail. That’s not a contest entry, I just think it needs to be said.

    • Red Bird

      I hope so.

  • RealCaitlinGoldstick
  • msanthropesmr

    He’s walking on sunshine!

    • Ill-Advised

      Winner winner chicken dinner!

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    Okay that to picture – looks like the cheery Leonardo DiCaprio meme (I don’t know what it’s proper name is)

  • Michael Smith
    • Timothy Watson

      “We already know that one, Bubs.”

    • Major_Major_Major

      Great, now I’m gonna figuratively dick punch myself for not thinking of that.

  • msanthropesmr
  • Victoria Ricola
    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      GMTA

  • MynameisBlarney

    Didn’t work for Klinger, won’t work for you, Carter.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    “When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple/with a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit . . . .”

  • Boscoe

    “Hey Kellyanne! Lookit! I found the hat that goes with your inauguration outfit!”

  • mancityRed6

    everyone needs a jaunty hat to feel better about themselves when they know they’re giving away that which could destroy them.

  • Daniel
  • TJ Barke

    He’s not doing much to dissuade my assumption that he’s an idiot.

  • calliecallie
    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      They’re HQ’d down in Raleigh…

    • Clark_Nova

      Their product ate the Windows partition of my HD as soon as I booted it up.

  • Baconzgood

    You can trick him into giving it to you for some magic beans.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    That hat. Olive Oyl wore it better.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Fuck. I wore the same outfit to work today. Now I have to change.

    • AJ Milne

      Well, just to save you having to go home _again_, I’m sporting a big, floppy ‘Three Musketeers’ type black tricorn with a bright, purple feather, and thigh-high buckle-my-swash boots today.

      (… representing a congressman. Gotta look my best.)

      • SweetDeeKat

        That’s hot.

  • schmannity
  • Daniel

    The hat is actually made by Under Armor, which famously pulled out of Trump’s short lived business council thing. Maybe he believes it will protect him?

    • Querolous

      I looked at the UA web page and could not find this hat so it might be a discontinued style of a rip-off ala Ivanka. It is in DC so could be a Nats team store only.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

  • schmannity

    Did the propeller fall off?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Waiting to see him wearing Carter’s little pillbox.

  • calliecallie

    Mother always told me “when you feel down, dress up!”

  • Scooby

    He’s like a stupider version of Vinny ‘the Chin’ Giagante.

  • Edith Prickly

    ANY RED HAT LAYDEEZ INN DA HOUZZ??

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Shrieking Harpy

      That’s a genuine apology.

      • LeftyProud

        Except for the “I don’t remember the incident that way” that is VERY weak sauce. In fact, it is crap. Tell us how you remember it, then. That part sounds like a non apology apology.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          TBF, volunteering for an ethics hearing is his chance to tell his side of the story- so I don’t think he’s ducking it

          • LeftyProud

            That is a good point. It is just he puts the idea of not remembering it the same way, and just leaving it there is NOT a good look. But you are right, volunteering an ethics hearing is significant.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            He definitely needs to get in front of this, as it’s obvious that he needs to set things right

        • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

          Memories of the same event can differ, in remembrance of events and interpretations of those events. There are several times someone has come to me and said, “Skwerl what you said and did that day changed my life.” To which I think to myself, “Who the hell are you? And I remember something about liverwurst.”

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        This is how it is done. I’ve done some things in the past that I thought were funny but weren’t. Two were mistaken for sexual advances, and one might have been a test to gauge interest. As these allegations have come out I have also had to deal knowing full well that a simple apology does not feed the bulldog, there is nothing I can do to truly correct the situation. And yes I feel awful. I hurt other people, and they carry the scars I inflicted on them despite any intent. I too stand ashamed and am glad to her Al’s words.

    • mancityRed6

      it’s the part where he’s asking for an investigation.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      That’s a much better statement than what has been reported.

      • LeftyProud

        It is actually.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Funny how that happened, innit?
        It seems to have made people think he was being dismissive of her accusations, when that clearly is not the case.

    • Michael Smith

      Republicans will demand that Franken be burned alive on national television, or else Democrats are hypocrites with no right to condemn Roy Moore.

      • OddMan

        And they will carry that damned picture around with them in their wallet to show how both sides do it.
        Fuck

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Whether this is sufficient for some people or not, I do appreciate–much like with Louis C.K.’s “apology-like” statement–that he acknowledges what he did was wrong, that the impact and not the intent of his actions is what matters, and that we should hear these allegations. And THIS is what distinguishes his behavior from Moore’s.

      Though ripping his man-balls off and burning them before his eyes before he is kicked out of the Senate would be cathartic, it will mean jack shit if we return to a culture of silencing and shaming victims. “Punishment” with no blue print for a way forward to better world is meaningless.

      • I say again: if we think that what Franken did and what Moore did are the same thing, then we must think a shoplifter deserves the death penalty. Both “Al did nothing wrong” and “Franken = Moore” are irrational responses.

        • aureolaborealis

          Well said. I’ve been trying to articulate this without sounding like an apologist.

        • YoBunnyBunny

          Yes, I keep seeing that we want Franken to be held accountable. But how? And I don’t mean that in the rhetorical sense. What kind of punishment, in fairness, does his behavior warrant. Demanding everybody get the same exact punishment for different offenses, is a little bit overboard, imho.

          Now, I feel A Way about what Franken did because I’m a bit overly sensitive about people teasing/joking or getting pranked (I hate April Fool’s day, btw). But I would not put Franken in the same category of someone who knowingly stalked underage girls and used his “authority” to get away with his predatory behavior.

    • NotReallyHere

      I’m really surprised at how much better I feel after reading this statement considering my first reaction was
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7eba2135912534033f25adfb9b565d5e06fe0701008487daffb088b0b98aeb5d.gif

      I can’t figure out why. Maybe because Al is the one asking for the ethics investigation. Anyway, for whatever reason I feel a bit of a weight has been lifted.

      • cmd resistor

        Same here.

  • beingreleased

    Why didn’t he wear something more stylish:

    Well, you look so pretty in it
    Honey, can I jump on it sometime?
    Yes, I just wanna see
    If it’s really that expensive kind
    You know it balances on your head
    Just like a mattress balances
    On a bottle of wine
    Your brand new leopard-skin pill-box hat

    https://vimeo.com/181392701

  • schmannity

    Railroad porter is a respectable job.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Headwear provided by the gift shop at Lenin’s Tomb

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    ♫I have confidence in sunshine,
    I have confidence in rain.
    I have confidence that spring will come again!
    Besides what you see I have confidence in me.♪

  • JMP

    Carter Page stole that hat from Blossom. Now he’s going to rant to the Senate about how vaccines cause autism and it’s good to chew your baby’s food for them then spit it into their mouths.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    on a side note: “Et tu, Al Franken?”

  • BigCSouthside

    God I really hope it’s this fuckin guy that tears this whole thing down. It’s what America deserves

  • Baconzgood

    This is what happens when you binge watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy after a quart of cheap bourbon and a rancid kielbasa.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Which member of the Spanish Inquisition did he mug to get that hat?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Red wrong return.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    You can stop looking for Carmen Sandiego now.

  • WeaselPoo

    That there is a man who is thrilled about having bought a monorail or sold a monorail , even though he doesn’t know what a monorail is.

    • Daniel

      He thinks it’s a patent medicine.

    • weighmaster

      When we went to Disney World when I was a kid, the monorail was an elevated train that ran on a single rail between various locations in the park.

  • mancityRed6

    *cue Love is all around you*
    Who can turn the world on with her smile?
    Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

    • Doug Langley

      Mary Tyler Moore libelz!!1!!

  • Shanzgood

    Nooooo! Not Al Franken!

  • Daniel

    That hat is shat you wear to paint your toenails in Poughkeepsie.

  • capnkrunch

    “When your mom won’t let you dress yourself but she finally decided you were old enough to pick out your own hat.”

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      “A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he’s not afraid of anything. “

  • Anna Rompage

    I just saw my very first episode of H R Puff n Stuff, and I loooooooooove it!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orUNj09oN4U

    • sarafina

      FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Kiri von Spiegelfeld

      Hallucinatory, ain’t it?

    • Red Bird

      Wait. What? Are you that young that you never saw Puff n stuff?

    • MynameisBlarney
    • Red Bird

      Little known fact…my cousin was the bird playing the drums.

    • Meccalopolis

      check out the banana splits while you’re at it

  • Jackie Jackstein FTW

    “Lida Rose, I’m home again Rose, to get the sun back in the sky!”

    Or; The cast of Ragtime.

    “Ladies with parasols fellows with tennis balls there were gazebos and there were no Negroes.”

  • Baconzgood

    He must be pledging a fraternity.

  • orlaheho

    I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for Hilary dirt today.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    One Toque Over The Line

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Or like a few french fries short of a Happy Meal, or the image of a man whose belt doesn’t go through all the loops.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    The red hat with the purple tie. He is dressed exactly like the very fun older ladies who would come day drink a dozen at a time at the brewery I used to work at.

    • Resistor Radio

      12 separate checks for 12 very high-maintenance ladies, if they were like the ones in my town.

      • SomeBigRedDog

        These ones tipped well enough, at least that’s what the waitstaff said.

  • A Groucho Marxist

    “No one will recognize me as Carter Page since I am wearing this MAGA hat for particularly dapper dandies. In fact, everyone will think I am Roger Stone.”

    • AJ Milne

      Not Tim Burton villain-y enough.

      Looks a bit more like a nanny from an early Disney movie.

  • “Gee, golly, Donnie, that sure was a rambunctious shindig we had with those fine Russian ladies. I doubt the Chinese fella at the laundry will ever get the stains out of those pantaloons.”

  • Joe Beese

    Taxpayers are footing the legal bill for at least 10 Justice Department lawyers and paralegals to work on lawsuits related to President Trump’s private businesses.

    https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2017/11/15/taxpayers-pay-legal-bill-protect-trump-business-profits/848354001/

  • Jackie Jackstein FTW
    • I miss Jim Henson SO much.

      • Jackie Jackstein FTW

        You and me both.

      • JMP

        Though today I’m half expecting to find out that both he and Fred Rogers were secretly creepers.

        • Shanzgood

          Not Mr. Rogers! I will lose the will to live.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            You and me both. The Frugal Gourmet broke my heart as it is.

          • Shanzgood

            I guess I didn’t hear about that one.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Both Jeff Smith (a Methodist minister with a PBS cooking show) and Bruce Ritter (the RC priest who founded Covenant House, a shelter for runaways in NY) were heroes of mine who were found to be preying on at risk teenaged boys.

          • Meccalopolis

            fuck covenant house. so many of the kids I grew up with got sent there. creepy brain washing factory

          • Carpe Vagenda

            They started out pulling kids out of Penn Station before the pimps got them and forced them into the unprotected sex adult hookers weren’t allowing any more, so I was down with it.

          • AJ Milne
          • Shanzgood

            That is perfection!

          • Meccalopolis

            that’s the Mr Rogers I grew up with

          • cmd resistor

            There was this fake thing going around on the Internet about how Mr. Rogers was a former sniper and had gross tattoos. I believe Snopes took it apart but it was quite upsetting the first time I came across it. I think there was worse stuff as well but I have forgotten the details.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            The Presbyterian minister?

          • cmd resistor

            Yeah but it was totally fake. Check snopes mr. Rogers.

          • Meccalopolis

            totally.

            don’t worry, children.. I won’t kill you

        • Jackie Jackstein FTW

          Get out of my head! These days, I cringe whenever I see any celebrities name.

  • Joe Beese

    Mark Joseph Stern, law and LGBTQ writer for Slate:

    There is no rational reason to doubt the truth of Tweeden’s accusations, no legitimate defense of Franken’s actions, and no ambiguity here at all: Franken should resign from the Senate immediately. Democrats should call for him to step down straightaway. This revelation is a test of the Democratic Party’s consistency, honesty, and decency. If Democrats wish to preserve whatever moral standing they have today, they must exhort Franken to leave the Senate, with no hesitation or reservations.

    http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2017/11/al_franken_should_resign_immediately.html

    • Anna Rompage

      The halls of congress are gong to be quite empty, if every single man in there, who’s sexually harassed another person, is going to be forced out….

      • Good.

      • OutOfOrbit

        standing down (resigning) and being forced out not the same. i hope he does the right thing and sets the example for others, esp’ on the (R)

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          ROFL, yes republicans will suddenly discover their long dormant shame gene and start doing the right thing because they saw one of their ideological opponents do so…

          Actually, what will happen is that they will high five each other for the easily gotten scalp and continue to be the same unrepentant shitheels they’ve always been.

        • ariel_gee_398

          No, what will happen is the Ds will resign and the Rs will refuse to do so.

          • OutOfOrbit

            yes, you’re right. i (for one) will not call for his resignation. and were i his accuser, i would accept his apology and forgive him

          • Clark_Nova

            Which she already did.

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          How about the President resigns first. He can set the example.

          • OutOfOrbit

            that would be nice but you’re being silly to suggest it

          • Rebel Scum with permit

            i don’t think it’s silly at all. If anyone wants to insist that Franken resign, based on the evidence we have now, Trump should resign first.

          • OutOfOrbit

            i meant that the suggestion that the OPOS would ever do so is silly

      • Dudleydidwrong

        The elderly ghetto in which I and Mrs. Dudley live happens to have a Board composed entirely of female women-type folks. They do quite well and could serve as a model for bigly government.

    • Shanzgood

      DAMMIT

    • DT

      Uh, no. He used tongue while practising a bawdy kiss for the USO. Fire 90% of all actors!

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        From Mr Creepy in summer stock theatre all the way up. The truth is that photograph disturbs me more. It was disrespectful and frat boyish. As a woman who served, I can tell you that women in the military have enough crap to deal with. Shame on him.

        • DT

          I think I can get on board with “Shame on him” for the photo, but not really anything more. As much as I hate the “it was a different time” excuse, well, it kinda was. I’d like to see the rest of that photo reel to see what gestures he made to the sleeping guy(s) right next to her (I guarantee there are such photos).

        • Cliff Hendroval

          She wasn’t in the military. She was part of the USO troupe with Franken.

          • Rebel Scum with permit

            Thanks I got that. Everyone me included has been jumping in to comment before actually reading a story about it. I just saw the photograph.

    • Sure, the second “Grab em by the pussy” does, Mark.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I disagree that he needs to resign- this is more liberal circular firing squad thinking- somehow if we’re extra, extra virtuous it’ll rub off on the GOP and they’ll somehow discover how to be decent human beings. I like the idea of holding an ethics hearing- something he’s already suggested and volunteered for. Let him tell his side, see if there are other cases, then likely give him some sort of formal censure or rebuke.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        I agree with this

      • cmd resistor

        I like the ethics hearing idea, too. And the fact that many dems are also calling for it is good, too, rather than just having it be the sanctimonious hypocritical republicans.

      • Meccalopolis

        I don’t care about repugs. I do care that women view us as the only party that’s fighting for them

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          Kinda hard to fight for them when you’re out of office though. I’m just saying we shouldn’t rush to judgment and demand that he fall on his sword before all the facts are in.

          • Meccalopolis

            nah, I hear you. and pragmatically, strictly from a vote counting perspective, we have an opportunity to motivate a lot of female voters but not if we appear to be talking out of both sides of our mouths on this.

    • ariel_gee_398

      There is a rational reason to doubt at least part of her accusations – the photo, while gross and offensive, doesn’t show what she claims, a sexual assault. If *that’s* proven or admitted, then I don’t see how he can stay, but until then…

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        It was disrespectful. I haven’t read about it, but I take it that young woman in uniform was sleeping, probably from exhaustion. Even if he didn’t touch her, unless she volunteered to pose, it was cheap and nasty and gross.

        • ariel_gee_398

          Right, I absolutely agree with that, but it’s not assault, which is a specific (criminal) action.

          • cmd resistor

            So wouldn’t an ethics investigation actually possibly be helpful in sorting through all that? Which Al (and many dems) have said is a good idea?

          • ariel_gee_398

            Yep – seems the right way forward to me. An ethics investigation is appropriate, calls for resignation are premature.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Pardon me, but he can leave when Trump leaves, as an example to everyone else in government.

    • Clark_Nova

      Reminds me of why I haven’t been to the Slate site in the last 3 or 4 years.

  • Major_Major_Major

    Ya know, even in the 90’s I wouldn’t have tried to pull off that hat even ironically, and this coming from someone that had a dark brown leisure suit and tons of old man golf pants.

  • Oblios_Cap

    “He’s an idiot and he’s okay”

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I have no caption, but it reminds me of this:
      https://youtu.be/k5ba1OKY7Xc

      • Jackie Jackstein FTW

        He certainly is in the running for upper class twit of the year.

      • OddMan

        “Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an O-level in chemo-hygiene.”

        “Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp.”

        “Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he’s a stockbroker.”

        “Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket.”

        “And finally Oliver St John-Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year’s outstanding twit.”
        Edit Oops this is not quite correct.

        Hehehe

    • Jackie Jackstein FTW

      “He sleeps all night and colludes all day”

      • eggs ackly-wright

        But is he wearing high heels?

        • Jackie Jackstein FTW

          Suspenders AND a bra?

  • I’ve gone through several stages of grief this morning over the Al Franken thing. I’ve gotten to ‘acceptance.’

    • Resistor Radio

      I’m still in “wait and see” mode.

    • SDGeoff3

      His second statement may save him.

  • Me not sure

    Maybe he’s the first male member of The Red Hat Society. A true trailblazer. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f98c91f1d5acd1d9e6b30e0653785309326da68021b2212025ef73456bb25afa.jpg

    • MynameisBlarney

      The office manager that was here when I was first hired on was a member of the RHS.
      She was a total bible thumpin’ hyprocritcal bitch.
      Are they all like that?

      • Me not sure

        I dunno. Maybe just nuts.

  • Michael R
  • Jackie Jackstein FTW
  • Royal Ugly Dude

    He probably thinks his headwear is jaunty.

  • chascates

    You need two of those hats: one to shit on and the other to cover it up with.

  • Nockular cavity

    He’s promoting Red Hat Linux, maybe?

  • “Well, ya got trouble, my friend. Trouble right here in Russian City!”

    • Jackie Jackstein FTW

      “With a capital ‘T’, that rhymes with ‘C’ that stands for “collusion”.

      • Well done. If I win, I will share the non-prize with you.

  • Joe Beese

    O/T: After unusual delays, Rotten Tomatoes has finally (sort of) released a score for Justice League.

    43

    http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2017/11/16/justice_league_s_rotten_tomatoes_score_is_43.html

  • george lastrapes

    Why didn’t he do the Mary Tyler Moore Show thing, pitching the hat into the air, smiling giddily, and catching the hat?
    Oh and he’s one letter short of a functioning brain, so he’s going for the inanity defense.

    • Meccalopolis

      the hannity defense?

  • Joe Beese
    • I’m surprised it reached the trial stage. I mean, really, given the current court rulings and laws these days, is there anything short of accepting a giant bag of cash with a dollar sign on it and agreeing on camera to vote a certain way because of it that qualifies as illegal?

  • Zonath

    Carter Page’s attempts to join the Red Hat Society go awry when he realizes that he doesn’t have a purple dress, and that he isn’t an old woman.

  • quantum mechanic

    Natalie knows how he feels.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgHtBxOs4qw

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Damn it. Always read the comments first.

  • SDGeoff3

    Is he singing Easter Parade?

  • “This hat was white before laundering with the reds.”

  • OddMan
    • MynameisBlarney

      This is why I’m hesitant to call for his resignation just yet.

      Dems don’t double down on denials and attack the accuser.

    • cmd resistor

      And Al Franken says he will gladly participate. And other dems are calling for it, which seems like a good thing as far as not trying to avoid responsibility. And, maybe an investigation will actually clear up some stuff. I know, naïve, etc. But still, it beats just screaming about Jesus persecution.

      • Meccalopolis

        He asked for it, which is a good sign

        • cmd resistor

          You can’t do a “both sides” with Roy Moore on that point…..being willing to be investigated.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • Bigby

      So, like, Mary MAGAdeline? From the Bibble?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Oeuf.

    • Just Noh

      madeleine was my first thought too!

  • Carter Page’s attempt to gain the notice of Vinnie Bonitardi didn’t escape his notice, or that of a jealous Six! This Thursday on Blossom!

  • Lisa

    I would rather have caption contest with the black leather gloves holding a sheet of dollar bills.

    • Jackie Jackstein FTW

      “She keeps Moet et Chandon in a pretty cabinet. ‘Let them eat cake,’ she says, just like Marie Antoinette.

    • Stinky_Hole

      Somebody tweeted shouldn’t she be in a warehouse killing Toons with Dip.

  • Joe Beese

    I suppose there’s no point in decrying the “see, both sides do it” shrieks to come when, well, both sides do it.

    http://www.metafilter.com/170509/Its-a-great-day-for-America-everybody#7234695

    • ((( Augustus )))

      NO

      FUCK NO

      NONONONONO

      THIS IS NOT THE SAME AS STALKING AND MOLESTING CHILDREN

      • TJ Barke

        Still not great, though.

        • Master of the Gothic Script

          Not great but not the same.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          The trick will be to acknowledge and accept what is wrong without getting steamrolled by the GOP, who are obviously in scalp hunting mode right now.

    • Thiazin Red

      Pretending to grope someone through a flak jacket because you think it would be a funny picture is not okay. However, its not in the same ballpark, the same league or even the same fucking sport as molesting multiple teens.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      better

    • Master of the Gothic Script

      Brilliant.

    • Meccalopolis

      Better

    • Rags

      Gives me hope for my dream debate of franken vs. 4-5 in 2020….

  • bbayliss

    Paddington Bear, something about a picnic with someone or something…I got nuthin.

    • Resistor Radio

      I’m in.

    • Coincidentally, I clicked this link just as “Across the Universe” came up on random in my library of like 30k songs.

    • Meccalopolis

      I’ll go

  • JohnBull

    Diamonds, daisies, Trumpy, douchebag.
    He’s that guy!

  • chicken thief

    The hat is a signal to Sessions that he won’t remember anything either. No one wants to incur the wrath of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions.

  • Machnethylsteinerbincolabird

    Fuck you, and fuck your jaunty hat.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    The problem with this legal strategy is that it’s tough to out-crazy the jury pool:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBuNvyo4j54

  • Joe Beese

    There are plenty of other intelligent and capable progressives out in the sea who haven’t assaulted women. Minnesota will just have to find one of them.

    http://www.metafilter.com/170509/Its-a-great-day-for-America-everybody#7234706

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I feel pretty
    Oh, so pretty
    I feel pretty and witty and bright!
    And I pity
    Any girl who isn’t me tonight

    • Kiri von Spiegelfeld

      La la la la la la la la!

      • kareemachan

        Who is that shit in the mirror there?
        Who could that shittiest shit be?
        Such a shitty shit, such a shitty git, such a shitty me?!

      • aureolaborealis

        Two were missing. Here you go: “la la”

        • Kiri von Spiegelfeld

          Thanks!

  • Carpe Vagenda

    OT, one tiny bit of light: the new default human in D&D looks like Audra McDonald.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2e8f67ed7a59a23ba2809c4f4fbb04b35e034637fda9b31de156bfdec0bf805f.jpg

    • Latverian Diplomat

      It appears her armor class would compare favorably to “Chain Mail Bikini”.

    • TJ Barke

      I’ve just felt a great disturbance in the force, as if thousands of neckbeards cried out in unjustified butthurt…

    • Resistor Radio

      At first I thought you meant the actress that played Mrs. Roper and I thought, “huh. That’s weird.”

    • capnkrunch

      Awesome. Good on Wizards (though it took them long enough).

    • SweetDeeKat

      Better. Just had a discussion with gamer son about how boob armor on women is stoopid, that sports bras are made for heavy action, and that costumes were designed by someone who doesn’t know how squishy and floppy a real boob is. He agreed, “Jeez, it’s not like they’re a pointy elbow.”

    • Thiazin Red

      The fifth edition has a good mix of genders and races for the illustrations without the women being overly sexualized.

  • Red Bird

    He’s sending a signal to someone just like Asian get did with his cat’s different tie colors.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    He needs an enormous rainbow colored bow tie.

  • jodyleek

    “Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.”

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Is that and UnderArmour symbol?

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        It is. That company took a beating after the CEO jizzed all over himself in public when Trump was elected because they would FINALLY have a “business-friendly” administration to work with.

        • WotsAllThisThen

          Hey you can’t buy this kind of publicity!

          Or maybe you can. Did they pay him to wear that hat? Because that would be a legitimate excuse.

    • Ωbjectifier

      How about a Fresca, hmmm?

  • Mr. Blobfish
  • WiscoJoe

    Meth?

  • Resistor Radio

    So it’s a signal, then?

    • Kiri von Spiegelfeld

      The Hat-Signal?

  • Kiri von Spiegelfeld
    • Resistor Radio

      That song is way to sexxxy to be anywhere near Carter Page, von Spiegelfeld!

      • Kiri von Spiegelfeld

        Not even for ironic lulz?

        • Resistor Radio

          Oh yeah, but I clicked and listened and started feeling the sexxy groove and then remembered Carter Page existed and it was just sad.

          • 52camellias

            The original Randy Newman version is still my favorite.

          • Tom Jones took everyone to school on that one

    • alpacapunchbowl

      One of the all-time greats. Not just anyone can sing both silky smooth and down n’ DIRTY.
      If any Wonkers aren’t familiar with her essential live album Etta James Rocks the House, they are in for a serious treat.
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/aeb7c14d5027e71d7037f12ccfd28eed45f4e2271854b0304c13e71e8b482b8e.jpg

      • Dinz6315

        Saw Etta live in San Francisco in 81 or 82. I completely agree.

  • Anna Rompage

    My buddy Alex convinced me to buy this hat when we were out shopping last week. He said it made me look debonair, and smart….

  • Just Noh

    he does know kellyanne is gonna want that back, right?

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Bad News: This ridiculous hat is only offered in Grey now:

    https://www.underarmour.com/en-us/mens-ua-fish-hook-bucket-hat/pcid1271280-009

    • kareemachan

      I couldn’t copy the photo, but the guy wearing the hat in that ad does *not* look happy….

    • Mack N. Nietzsche

      Thanks Carter! You jerk!

  • kareemachan

    dafuq?

  • Sophia

    OT: Christian GOP lawmaker who pushed ‘natural marriage’ resigns after same-sex tryst at Ohio office

    https://www.rawstory.com/2017/11/christian-gop-lawmaker-who-pushed-natural-marriage-resigns-after-same-sex-tryst-at-ohio-office/

    • yyyaz

      And water remains wet. *face meets palm*

    • TundraGrifter

      Perhaps a little too “vibrant.”

  • TundraGrifter

    Reminds me of the Mafia boss Vincent “The Chin” who wandered his neighborhood for years wearing a bathrobe, trying to convince the Feds he was nuts. He still went to the Big House. As I recall, Nick Nolte was another matter. Meanwhile, an Under Armour (or just a knockoff?) red bucket hat? That’s a fashion felony.

  • Christopher Story

    If he’s gonna get taken out by a Russian sniper, that hat is almost perfect

  • Jenny

    Yay! Daddy’s taking me on a boat today!” Toot toot! – Captioned

    • eggs ackly-wright

      Needs a propeller.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    That’s a genuine International Brotherhood of Academics beanie.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Kellyanne Conway’s discarded Inauguration hat?

  • gallbladder

    “I gave batshit-crazy testimony to a Federal investigative body and all I got was this fucking hat.”

  • Terpsichord

    That right there is why Under Armour stock is in the toilet.

  • SweetDeeKat

    Caption contest still live? Sing “derpy derpy doot doot, doot doot DERP!” to the tune of Arkansas Traveler.

  • george lastrapes

    That hat is also a lightweight easy-to-stow stain-resistant chamber pot

  • ManchuCandidate

    The Ed Norton look?
    Meet Carter Page… The human version of Yogi Bear

    • Courser_Resistance

      Yogi’s smarter.

      • TundraGrifter

        Does Carter Page get to sleep ’til Noon?

  • alpacapunchbowl

    A sack with a dollar sign on the side and a hat? I’m not generally one to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty sure I wore it better. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8b5677e844b3c91750c003c615abd5cb7386bc15328c85366b54cc16d09eb6e3.jpg

    • gallbladder

      Da fuq?

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Excuse me?

    • eggs ackly-wright

      Hamburglar.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Bank robber. It was ’08 and seemed a fitting Halloween costume seeing as how the banks were robbing us all blind.

  • Mack N. Nietzsche

    Hey! Gilligan died so that hat would be red.

  • Sh3rgar

    That’s just a really obvious secret signal to Moscow

  • TootsStansbury

    This week on Punky Brewster; Punky commits international, treasonous crimes. Hijinks ensue.

  • 52camellias

    Make ’em laugh, make ’em laugh . . . .

  • Ruth Serafini

    Given that Underarmor supports 45 (last I heard, anyway), and it’s a screaming red hat… I’m going to say the message is “MAGA MAGA MAGA I can’t wear a ballcap is this deniable enough MAGA MAGA MAGA”

    • gallbladder

      As is dim-wittedness.

  • John Robinson

    It’s working! Nobody’s talking about what a dipshit young Mr. Carter is; now everybody’s talking about what kind of idiot wears a hat like that. Step 3 – profit!

  • Jonny On Maui

    Worst “Where’s Waldo?” EVAH!

  • “After this, I’m on my way to lunch with the rest of the Red Hat Ladies!”

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Thought that too. Especially when you add the purple-ish tie.

  • Wonky Magoo
  • Historicat

    No, I got nuthin.

  • Little Lulu Ω

    This is the hat he wears whenever he cuts his head shaving.

  • Bill Diaz

    Despite wearing his best outfit, he never got a callback for the ‘Off Broadway’ production of ‘Driving Miss Daisy’. Until his dying day, that failure alone haunted him…

    Have a great day!

  • anon_the_great

    Fuck off Fashionistas. Not a damn thing wrong w/ Carter’s chapeau. I mean doesn’t Wonkette sell red headgear?

    When he shows up in a bathrobe shuffling and mumbling I’ll get interested in his choice of apparel.

  • AttilatheBlond

    Dollars to donuts with pot sprinkles that he has Kevlar under those silly hats he wears. Can’t remember the name of the big guy who was tried for fraud, pre-Madoff, who also always wore a big hat to & from court. But Page seems to be taking a page from what’s his name’s book

    • OrdinaryJoe
      • FlownΩver

        Abramoff: +10 for adherence to Orthodox tenets, minus myriad (SWIDT?) for Dapper Don style message.

      • TundraGrifter

        Thank you for posting that! I remembered it when I saw the red hat on Page. I continue to wish Jackemup N. Ripemoff had come clean and named names. On the other hand, perhaps he wanted to live.

      • AttilatheBlond

        yes! Thank you. In my dotage, names slip through the holes in my brain. Thank you!

    • george lastrapes

      Kevlar AND tinfoil.

  • ken_kukec

    Page got the hat from the Kellyanne Conway Inauguration collection.

    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/7RTLoFzzwWs/hqdefault.jpg

    • Indeniable Ron

      I can’t decide who is wearing it better.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Paddington Bear.

      • Julie

        Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
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  • Blanche de Shambles
  • OrdinaryJoe
  • Electriq

    Strawberry Shortcake’s devious brother, Strawberry Dicknozzle, turned out to be a berry big disappointment.

  • CountryClubJihadi
  • aureolaborealis

    That’s an Under Armour hat? Stopped buying UA stuff, btw, after they threw their support behind Two-Scoops Von Bonespur.

    • sincarne

      Yeah, I was wondering if it was supposed to be some kind of signal? Who knows. What even is anything anymore?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Tintin returns from the milliner’s shop.

  • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

    “Does this hat make me look guilty of treason?”

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I’ll be the prettiest boy in prison!

  • Boo Hoo

    I have confidence in sunshine,
    I have confidence in rain.
    I have confidence that spring will come again!
    Besides what you see I have confidence in me.

    • psychobroad

      Sound of music slander!

  • Moar Wordz

    ” Page-Blade -Dandy, ” ” Perp Popingjay, ” ” Page Jack -A-Dandy, ”
    ” Barbershop Buffoon ? “

  • BMW

    This is what Paddington looks like on set before they add CGI.

  • ocbjack

    Looks like one of the “Bubbles from The Wire” special hats. McNulty can’t be far away but I’m hoping it’s gonna be Omar that gets him first.

    • Mayor_Quimby

      “I’m gonna put the red hat on the leader of the conspiracy, you feel me?”

  • Slinger
    • efoveks

      Paddington Bear is the cutest thing to come out of Darkest Peru. :)

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      I think Kelly-Anne crypt-keeper has the rest of the outfit.

  • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

    Maybe someone told him it repels polonium tigers.

  • efoveks

    Carter Page, on his way to join the Red Hat Society!”

  • The Militant Homosexual Agenda
    • efoveks

      Hyacinth! You’re back! :)

      • SDGeoff3

        Oh godblessher! I know a few of these ladies.

  • Kastle

    I’d enter a caption, but I’m terrified I’d win that thing.

  • Brian Ragle
    • SDGeoff3

      The Red Hat Girls.

  • Shane
  • JeanieBeanie

    It’s obvious. He’s a member of the Red Hat Society.

    • MOG253

      🤣🤣🤣

    • Petunia Cat

      The Red Hatted League.

  • SDGeoff3

    Add a Russian flag with TRUMP printed on it in faux gilt.

  • Boo Hoo

    Dodgy
    Dossy
    Snowflake
    That Guy!

    Jail-time
    Airplanes
    Rosneft
    is That Guy!

    He’s treasonous, you see!

  • ForePlinger

    “I’m hiding a SECRET map. Of Seeecrets.”

  • TundraGrifter

    Perhaps the red hat was the secret signal for his handlers in Russia to be able to identify him for their meet-ups – and he just got confused and wore it in DC. Or perhaps he thinks it looks spiffy. Some poor deluded men still wear baseball caps backwards.

  • psychobroad

    ♫♪ I’m walkin’ on sunshine, whoa oh, and it sure feels good! ♪♫

  • Jesse

    Add a Photoshop contest to try to replace that hat with even more ridiculous headwear.

    • Indeniable Ron

      That would be VERY difficult to do.

  • Jesse

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4c319a92b51e7335355bbbc19a939d0c3a8f55c923c05b6c4c620baab2a8ccae.jpg Maybe its an omage? Is it possible to collude and omage at the same time?

    • CynicalOptimist

      He must not be men…

      • ScrwUStillaTexanLibrul

        I had that album. I loved that album. The fact that Mark Mothersbaugh was involved with Yo Gabba Gabba helped get me through my kid’s challenging toddler years. Devo as a group was always greatly underrated in my mind…..

        • javadavis

          Funny, that. The fact that Mark Mothersbaugh from Aaah! Real Monsters was a member of Devo got me interested in that group.

  • lovelydestruction

    He’s giving me Madeline/Gilligan’s Island vibes.

  • Ghoti theLinguist
  • Begin Anew Day

    A wig would cost too much?

  • Begin Anew Day

    Carter Page Coutre

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    “Nobody expects the Russian Inquisition!!!”

  • covfefesumgame0005

    his KKK hood was at the cleaners?

  • Itsatarp
  • Lizzie Lew

    It’s from the under armor orange hat collection for hunters. He was concerned one of the Trump boys might accidentally shoot him.

  • Grumpy contrarian

    “I’m walking down the street and I’m wearing my hat…” People make fun of my hat, but I *like* my hat. *I* think it looks very nice.

  • Zyxomma

    Bold fashion choice, but ugly. I wear a hat every time I leave home, but all of mine are beautiful. This one’s almost 100 years old.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b6c927b7443d3dfabfcbe02b37f537775134b19f841f2b4d9b9d6bb309b813ee.jpg

    • Amalga

      Beautiful hat on a beautiful person.

    • redblack

      i wear a hat every time i leave home, too. but mine are all knit watch caps.

      they only smell 100 years old.

  • Keith Taylor

    I’m not a psychiatrist but I really think Carter Page has a good chance with that insanity defence.

  • kloewent

    He stole that hat from kelleyannes room in the basement, that was her super, duper inauguration hat!!! She has been looking all over for it. He just turned up the brim!! What a bastard!!! I wonder if he got the gloves too??
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8b4f4e4a9e572ee087c812219b020cca0329df05c5c698af95ca9749ef510efe.jpg

  • Petunia Cat

    “What, me a hacker? That’s impossible, they wear black hats.”

  • “I’m not a moron. I just play one on TV.”

  • CB
  • JParkerSD46

    Underarmor scores yooooggge product-placement points.

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    Clearly, the caption for ANY picture of Carter Page and His Very Own Red Hat should be:

    “It’s called style, mothafuckas.”

  • Maybe

    I don’t think he’s faking it.

    In fact, working for/with Donald Trump stands alone as proof of deep insanity.

  • mondojohnson
  • ryp

    As goofy as it is, that stupid hat is probably the most likable thing about Page. I won’t mock him for it anymore than I would mock Fredrica Wilson for her gaudy cowboy hats.

    Personally, I don’t think there is any right way to wear a bucket hat, but he still looks like less of a clown than anyone wearing a MAGAt hat, especially with a suit and tie.

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