Perhaps you are a normal person in America, by which we mean you are a man and you are white. (All other permutations of “human” are merely walking, whining “identity politics.”) Maybe you have innocently hounded women out of your industry after they were bitches who didn’t fuck ya, or accidentally raped someone you work with. And now, all of a sudden, all these feminazis are wanting your precious bodily fluids! But the precious bodily fluids they want are “your blood” instead of the sperms you would have happily shared on them, or the nearest potted plant.
Maybe you have even lost your job, even though you have a family (even a wife!) to support. Well, buck up. Because Mel Gibson is starring in a blockbuster Hollywood Christmas comedy, about family, and Christmas!
“Mel Gibson, I remember him!” you are saying, “he did ‘locker room talk’ about a female officer’s ‘sugar tits’. Hilarious! And also something about ‘The Jews.'”
He did indeed, and we all had a good laugh about it. Oh, Jews! Oh Sugar Tits! LOLOLOLOL. Then he beat his girlfriend a lot, knocking out her teeth, while she was holding their daughter. Here he is screaming at her that he hopes she get raped by a pack of n—rs because her breasts are too big and he does not like it:
And here he is being a terrifying lunatic and admitting he beat her face in.
Marky Mark Wahlberg also stars in the movie, and he also has a violent racist past, having beat a Vietnamese man unto blindness, but he was a teenager, so we cut him some slack because teenagers have not formed all their brains yet, but WHOOPS, it turns out he did many more racist violences — many of them — including hitting little black girls in their heads with rocks when he was 16.
Whatcha doing, Will Ferrell and John Lithgow and Paramount Pictures? Oh, nothing out of the ordinary. That’s … actually, that’s really a shame.
But what a relief, everything’s back to normal and coming up white men.