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True fact: Personal grooming regimen strictly dictated by Andrew Breitbart himself
Gross, Steve Bannon.

A couple hours ago, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell spoke to reporters and, when asked if he believes the child molesting allegations against Roy Moore, he responded simply:

I believe the women, yes.

Thank you, feminist icon Mitch McConnell! No, for real, we are glad the message seems to be getting through to the point that Mitch Freaking McConnell is no longer adding “if true” to the allegations. He believes the women. McConnell added, unequivocally, that Moore needs to GTFO out of the Alabama Senate race.

And Roy Moore thus responded in a tweet what had been dictated by the Lord:

Yeah TAKE THAT, Mitch McConnell! Roy Moore might be an alleged CHILD MOLESTER, but at least he’s not ‘STABLISHMENT!

Moore also responded to McConnell by sending out another fundraising pitch, about how the establishment is hellbent on keeping God’s Chosen Alleged Kid-Toucher out of the Senate:

YEAH! Would you rather have an ACCUSED PEDOPHILE or a person who believes ABORTION SHOULD BE LEGAL? Plus, it’s bad to abort unborn babies, because what if the baby you aborted was Roy Moore’s next girlfriend, allegedly?

Anyway, all of this is obviously making Steve Bannon very ‘cited. We don’t have an exclusive quote from him or anything, but this is exactly the kind of destruction he’s been dying to foist upon America, and the alleged child-fondler is his good old boy. We can only imagine he’ll comment on this latest dust-up once he’s done maniacally blowing nationalist jizz ropes all over the cobwebby sconces at Breitbart HQ.

He’s probably doing O-faces right now, like this:

Or this:

Or this:

Those are very bad O-faces, Steve Bannon. You should be ashamed.

Unfortunately, Bannon’s joy-splosion of gin-gasms may be short-lived, after which he will have to return to his normal life, with its regular sad-splosions of cry-gasms. As WaPo notes, it’s way too late to get Moore’s name off the ballot. McConnell said Monday he might be thinking about looking into a write-in campaign for Luther Strange, but that’s kind of a longshot. And Axios reported this weekend that a “Republican close to McConnell” said the majority leader feels strongly enough about this that “he’s willing to lose the seat to prevent someone who’s guilty of these things from taking it.” (Which would be a WHOA IF TRUE moment if there ever was one, because cough cough MERRICK GARLAND cough cough! But we hope it’s true!)

Meanwhile, there have been rumblings among the GOP about “Maybe we can get Alabama Governor Kay Ivey to move the election so we can have time to elect a proper Republican!” Unfortunately for those advocating that approach, the answer out of Ivey’s office is an unequivocal “Nah bro.”

And there are bound to be more accusers. (Gloria Allred gonna do a press conference? We heard that too! Wait, she’s doing it in New York City? Might as well do it in SHARIA-TOWN, in the eyes of the average Alabama voter. Get on an airplane and do the presser in a Cracker Barrel in Huntsville, please. OPTICS, PEOPLE!)

Oh well, too bad there’s not a literal saint running against Moore, oh wait, yes there is, donate to Doug Jones please right now.

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  • bubbuhh

    Bannon pics: the worst crotch shot ever.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Knowing the GOP, I would “Senate Majority Leader Roy Moore” is not outside the realm of possibility…

  • Me not sure

    A new woman has just come forward in Alabama. She says that as a teenager Moore offered her a ride home and she ended up being groped and having to fight him off.
    This thing is dropping more shoes than a centipede.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “That’s centipede’s cobbler at a dance competition, for the appropriate level of folksiness…”
      — Dan Rather

      • Me not sure

        Alabama folksy!

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      This is why the turtle is out of his shell. He knows there are more accusations coming, and probably has seen hard evidence like a love letter…

      • puredog

        The latest accuser says that “Roy Moore, D.A.” signed a little mash note in her high school yearbook (during his flirtation with waitress-her when she was 15). Not a smoking gun, TBS, but corroborative.

      • mappo

        What are the odds this sh*tbag doesn’t have kiddie porn on his computer? What are the odds it hasn’t already been hacked by the Russians/Chinese/NSA?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Mitch McConnell and I have a serious, substantive disagreement. I’m tired of his complacency with the status quo. He thinks the GOP is horrible enough, I say no, it needs to become even more horrible…”
    — Steve Bannon

    • Weird Fishes

      Excerpted from Bannon’s soon to be posthumously published “Bloody Death Phlegm Papers”

  • Rick Hill

    Wow. They’re both right. In the narrow window of those statements.

  • BigCSouthside

    I’m hearing they are floating sessions as a write in?

    Conveniently moves him out of the way of Mueller while taking out Moore

    • jowgajen

      In a just world the Senate wouldn’t seat Sessions because Sessions lied to the Senate in his confirmation hearings.

      (Also, they wouldn’t seat Moore because he’s disqualified due to disregarding the Constitution of the US twice and also moral turpitude.)

      • Historicat

        Where is this just world? It sounds like a very nice place.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      That’d be a weird twist, unless Luther Strange is adamantly refusing to run again. They already have an at least electable alternative.

      • jowgajen

        People might actually write in Jeff Sessions. The assumption is that Strange doesn’t have the cachet to do anything more than split the vote.

        • BigCSouthside

          Sessions is a known quantity, basically a lock. Trump gets a new AG and McConnel takes out Moore, who humiliated him in the primary

        • Latverian Diplomat

          I think all options are on the table, and Republicans should vote that way. Hell, a few votes for Jill Stein if they want to…

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Darnit, who knew not learnin’ my letters gooder would have hurt me some day…”
      — An Alabama Republican

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Probably Jared and Ivanka’s idea.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    His bodily fluids are looking for a restaurant?

  • grindstone

    John Boehner pours another cabernet, lights another cigar, blows a smoke ring towards the porch ceiling, and smiles.

  • StrangerCaptainHowdy
  • Anna Rompage

    Who knew conservative fundamental Christians can be as whacky & child molesty as those nearly underground Mormon cults run by people like Warren Jeffs…

    • grindstone

      ooooh oooh, raises hand. ME! oooh!!

    • *Pulls shoulder impersonating Hermione*

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Mistah Kottah! Mistah Kottair!

    • Ling Ling

      Ling Ling know answer!

  • My shiny metal ass McConnell is willing to give up a seat

    • puredog

      No, he wants some other Republican. He does NOT want Doug Jones.

  • MynameisBlarney

    HAHAHA

    WINNING!

    WH officials want to send Sessions back to ‘Bammy so he can take Senate seat back from Moore.

    https://www.rawstory.com/2017/11/white-house-officials-want-to-remove-sessions-from-doj-so-he-can-take-back-senate-seat-from-roy-moore/

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Undo! Undo!”
      — Donald Trump

      • proudgrampa

        Sorry, Donald.

        No Mulligans allowed.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Pretty sure when he golfs that’s not true…

          • proudgrampa

            Yeah. I believe someone recently said that he cheats.

            What a maroon!

  • Joe Beese

    5th accuser, assaulted at 16.

    The ole “try forcing her head down towards the crotch” move.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      That’s a classic!

      • Joe Beese

        Some things never go out of style.

    • puredog

      “It wasn’t ‘forcing,’ it was more like we wuz having a conversation.”

    • cmd resistor

      After locking the door (I’m sure just to make sure she didn’t accidentally fall out of the car.)

  • Bureaucrap

    If Moore does get elected, McConnell is going to appoint him chair and sole member of the Senate Sitting in the Corner and Being Quiet Committee, which has jurisdiction and oversight over… well, nothing.

  • Suttree

    Meh. Mitch still needs a rabid weasel crammed down his pants into his shell.

  • Relativicus

    Ewwwwww, that’s what that is?

  • BearGHAZI

    Who the fuck is Henry? Another pederast?

  • Michael R

    Headline of the day

    DID COCONUT CRABS EAT AMELIA EARHEART ?

    • Probably

      • Michael R

        Hard to beat this weeks

        REPUBLICAN PARTY DIVIDED OVER SEX CLAMS

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Fox and probably CNN will be all over that tonight.

    • MynameisBlarney

      I remember reading an article about that months ago.
      And yes, most likely.

    • Timothy Watson

      Why did Clinton and Obama e-mail the coconut crabs and tell them to do that?!?!??!?!

      • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

        KILLARY DID CRABGHAZI!!!!!!!!!1

        • Ling Ling

          Ling Ling drive airplane and Ling Ling laugh. Then feel shame.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Those pendejos are evil.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Do coconut crabs make their own sauce?
      /asking for a friend.

      • aureolaborealis

        Coconut crabs don’t need sauce if they eat coconuts. They taste coconutty.* Unfortunately they also eat anything else they can find, so if they taste too corpsey, a little soy sauce might be indicated.

        * No, I didn’t knowingly break any laws, but the Pohnpeian guy who killed it, cooked it and handed me part might have.

    • Cock Blockula

      Coconut Crabs? You just can’t bang anything these days without getting an infestation or an STD.

    • TJ Barke

      What was left of her, anyway.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Sadly the Jesus Pedobear is one of the few things that can get Mitch’s head out of his shell/ass.

    Jesus Pedobear is sad that no one wants Jesus Pedobear in the senate.

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    Don’t fight GOPers, you’re all equally horrible.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    A bridge too far for Mitch McConnell, who just in the last year ratfucked us out of a SCOTUS seat and borderline committed treason by blackmailing President Obama over the Russians meddling in our election. Again, just in the last year.

    If you’re too toxic for *this guy*, you’re oil-and-sulphuric-acid-spill-on-the-Ohio-River toxic.

    • puredog

      oh, I have NO FUCKING DOUBT WHATSOEVER that McTurtle has little problem with Roy’s actions, as a general rule. But they threaten to rain on his parade.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        McTurtle is much more upset that Moore has been credibly accused than his being a child molester.

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    And, just because my superhero alter ego is Captain Obvious

    It is always, without exception, projection with these assholes. They are telling fairy tales about how these women are exploiting themselves for political gain because they themselves are attempting to exploit these women for political gain.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      “It’s always projection with these assholes” is kind of my new mantra.

    • cmd resistor

      Yeah, and what are they going to get out of it but misery. And at least 2 of them, including the one today, are republicans and I think voted for Trump. So not libtards. Still, they probably will get a bunch of Soros money.

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        It’s deliberately transparent bullshit intended to trigger and offend, not convince

  • Gloria Allred did the presser and the latest accusation was that Moore attempted to rape a 16 year-old.

    • laughingnome

      Was it attempted or actual rape?

      • Daniel

        Attempted.

        • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

          He groped her breasts. That’s not attempted. And grabbing her neck is definitely some kind of assault, sexual or no.

      • https://www.rawstory.com/2017/11/beverly-young-nelson-says-roy-moore-tried-to-rape-her-as-a-teen-i-was-struggling-and-begging-him-to-stop/

        “While the two of them were in Moore’s car, she alleges, Moore started groping her breasts. She then says that she tried to escape the car, but Moore locked her door to prevent her from leaving.

        She then said Moore “began squeezing my neck attempting to force my head into his crotch.” She says that she resisted his advances until he eventually gave up.

        Upon letting her go, however, Moore warned her to not tell anyone what had happened.”

        • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

          So by current Alabama law, I believe that would be Sexual Abuse in the First Degree.

          • Or “courtship”, as Roy Moore calls it.

        • puredog

          And she woke up with bruises on her throat the next morning.
          ETA: And absent any known acting experience by the complainant, I was utterly convinced as she told the story that she completely believed that this happened. Which probably means that it did, unless she is a psycho, which seems unlikely, especially in context.

        • TJ Barke

          I’m not surprised. Typical entitled “good ol’ boy”.

        • cmd resistor

          Not only warned her, but said, you’re just a child, I’m the DA of Etowah Co. No one will believe you.
          Would be ironic if he actually used the word “child.”

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      Who, at this point, gives a fuck? The dude is a pervert. I feel horrible for the victims, and they should all get compensation, but the 10th or 100th is not going to make him any more guilty than he already is.

      • No, but the more women who come out and say what he did to them… well, I’d really like to believe that at some point we’d reach a tipping point where folks would stop saying ‘bitches by lyin'” and actually start to believe them.

        • puredog

          “The Cosby Effect,” I believe they call that.

        • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

          Haha yea good look with that. If it were true they would have said by now, “it takes 3/5/10 women for us to believe it”

      • Ling Ling

        Is true. Is there a statute of limitations? What is preventing a DA from taking up an investigation? Or perhaps civil court option? Sadly, Ling Ling not attorney.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          There was a statute back then. Unfortunately.

          • Msgr_MΩment

            If it was a statute of one of our brave Confederate heroes, the damn Yankees are planning to pull it down.

      • NastyBossetti

        Well, it’s just the word of 4, no 5 women plus the 30 corroborating witnesses WaPo found against one judge. It’s a real he said-she said. We’ll probably never get to the bottom of it.
        How many women’s words does it take to equal the word of one man, again? I lost my conversion chart.

        • cmd resistor

          Eleventy-thousand.

        • aureolaborealis

          How many? Silly goose. It depends on whether a man corroborates them.

      • Tragic Typos

        Well at least the latest account takes away the notion that he always kept it ‘consensual’ with his barely legals.

      • proudgrampa

        Thing is, for every one who comes forward, how many are still silent?

        This looks like Moore had a reign of terror in AL.

        • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

          Of course he did, because he is Warren Jeffs without the new-agey bullshit.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Moore’s not going to give up. Not unless they find a skull in his home’s crawl space. That’s his whole shtick–defiant over the Ten Commandments display, defiant over gay marriage. Then he loses and sucks up all those sympathy dollars.

    Maybe not this time, though. He’s quickly going from spoiled fruit to rancid.

    • Crank Tango

      At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if the crawl space skull had no effect.

      • Notreelyhelping

        I hear you, but, if they found one, he’d probably be off to some remote Jesus colony in Honduras. Where he could remotely claim that Democrats planted it.

    • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

      Apparently if they found a skull, he could just say it was Obama’s and probably win votes.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “Henry, I’ve been abandoned by Washington’s establishment Republicans with just four weeks left before Election Day.”

    Nice try at the whole histrionic pearl-clutching, Roy, but you’re not quite to tear-stained and sweat dripping Jimmy Swaggart levels yet. On a scale of 1-10, I give your performance 4 1/2 Drama Queens.

    • Ling Ling

      What is that on the Roger Stone scale?

      • Roger Stone is a bigger drama queen than Liberace

        • Suttree

          I am now imagining Moore in a bedazzled nighty. Thanks Pickwick.

      • elviouslyqueer

        6 Tammy Faye Bakkers, clearly.

        • Ling Ling

          Nods approvingly.

        • Suttree

          I await the rending of garments.

          • Notreelyhelping

            And, for a limited time only, you can purchase this authentic Roy Moore Hair Shirt….

    • Hey, the Swaggart thing works, though, doesn’t it? I wished that Bill Clinton would have pulled a Swaggart, which probably would have avoided the impeachment thing.

    • Suttree

      And it’s going to Henry GOMEZ! Maybe Henry turned (R) when Bama got rid of all the spanishes, and let the crops rot in the fields.

    • aureolaborealis

      I’m waiting for the hissed, “I. Have. Sinned. Against. Yoooooooooooo.” moment. (Who would he be referring to here? The GOP, of course.)

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Hey, Wonkette has a new post–what is it about?
    (reads title)
    BBL, throwing up now…

  • Oh please please please please please I hope McConnell tries the write-in vote thing, which will split the party!!! Pretty, pretty please???

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Hmm, I vote for a double-KO.

  • Put On Your War Paint!

    Perhaps this is why Steve Bannon wears overlapping shirts – when it gets jizz on one he peels it off and starts “fresh” on the next layer.

    • Crank Tango

      Or he just keeps piling on jizzy layers.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      He does not strike me as the fussy type, he’d wear cumstains for days.

    • StrangerCaptainHowdy

      Other way around, he puts on a new one over the old one when it gets too stiff.

      • Put On Your War Paint!

        EWWW!

      • aureolaborealis

        I think this is far more likely.

    • Suttree

      Whore’s bath not needed. (no offense to prostitutes, most are stellar in comparison)

  • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

    Turtledouche probably just got wind of the new accuser ahead of time and decided to make it look like the party was maaaaaaaaaybe stepping away from sexual abusers who aren’t in the White House.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I’m going to guess that McConnell, who was in the tank for Strange, knew all of this because there was already a dossier full of oppo research on Moore. Which is probably how WaPo got the info.

      • Notreelyhelping

        *bing!*

      • Suttree

        Nah. A repug wouldn’t do this and lose a seat in the senate right now unless it would destroy him.

        • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

          I’m sure they have a back up plan.

          • theCryptofishist

            Well thought out, also, too. As theirs always are.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          Unless the plan, the entire time, was to try to get Sessions back there so he won’t be sent to jail like Trump.

          LET ME ENJOY MY CONSPIRUHSEES.

          • Suttree

            I would like to subscribe to your newsletter. Please place a dose of windowpane under the stamp.

      • laughingnome

        THey would have released it before the primary.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          Maybe.

  • Red State Pinko

    Something is stopping me from tweeting this, and not just the fact that I only have 6 followers:

    “Strongly considering move to AL so I can write in Bill Cosby for Senate.”

    Maybe it’s just that I believe comedy is best left to the professionals. Also not sure BC is the best choice among the thirteen hundred and fifty two equally qualified candidates, many of whom may actually have Alabama residency. If you know a professional comedian, they can have it. Must credit Louis CK.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Stranger Things: Bama season.
    Trump fights for Luther Strange.
    Toxic Venter Bannon fights for strange 10 commandments Moore.
    Strange not loathsome enough for Bama GOPers, loses to Moore.
    Moore busted for being a bad touch stranger danger.
    Strangely, Mitch and other GOPers find they do have a limit.
    Strangest of all: a Demrat has a good chance of winning.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Roy Moore And Mitch McConnell Are Fighting, And We Can Hear Steve Bannon’s Giggly Jizz Yelping From Here
    https://media.giphy.com/media/FmsOcKwVAFwUo/giphy.gif

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Is “Giggly Jizz” a noun, or is “Jizz Yelping” a verb?

      Never mind; either interpretation works. Clever double-something-or-other.

      • Cheryl

        Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
        On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It Sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !fw331d:
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  • James Baskin

    I’m hoping good ole Roy hangs in there. I fear that if he drops out, a new republican candidate could probably win.
    As a guy that grew up in the 60’s, it grieves me aplenty to have cucks like this calling themselves ‘anti-establishment.’ That drug store cowboy, racist, bible thumping, pedophile is a rutting pig from the darkest recesses of the ‘establishment.’

    • Jennifer R

      His name can not be legally removed from the ballot due to the sore loser laws.

      • James Baskin

        Not from Alabama. Not sure what sore loser laws are.

        • theCryptofishist

          Some sort of snowflake thing, to be sure.

        • Jennifer R

          Laws that keep people from losing primaries from running in the general or using legal tactics to force the winner off the ballot.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Another repub won’t have time to get his campaign geared up before the election.

      They’re fucking screwed either way.

      • James Baskin

        I’m thinking Strange could mount a campaign. Another possibility would be Sessions resigns as DA and runs for his old seat.

      • Rags

        My worries are: Joe withdraws and his name on the ballot still wins. Some R ahole ends up with the seat. Joe doesn’t withdraw, wins, the Senate ousts him and we get some other R ahole. Worse yet , the R ahole in either case is Lucifer Strange and 4-5 gets a yuuge win.

      • cmd resistor

        I think if there was any way for them to get someone on the ballot with an R next to his name, he’d have a decent chance. Unfortunately. But then fortunately, at least it appears to look like they can’t.

  • Ricky Gay

    If y’all abort – How can I cavort?
    Turn your fetuses into little Lolitas!

    Vote Moore!

    • aureolaborealis

      Turn your fetuses into Lolitases!

      • Ricky Gay

        Yes, that rhymes better

  • Mavenmaven

    Win-win for Moore, if he loses, he’ll get a gig at Fox or Breitbart.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Foxbart?

      • theCryptofishist

        FartBrox?

    • Manhattan123

      Let’s just hope it’s not at Disneyland.

    • Daniel

      Or in the White House.

  • Oneofthebobs

    Even “fake news” guy Chuck Todd says it’s true, and he does fake news, so it must be true!

  • Tragic Typos

    “I don’t recall ever choking a teenage girl without getting her mother’s permission.”

    Judge Roy Moore

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Hannity is gonna be a hoot and a holler tonite. I’m gonna wear two (2) shirts.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Fewer of those pesky commercials to sit through too!

    • laughingnome

      I wonder how he will blame Hillary for this attempted rape by Roy Moore?

      • theCryptofishist

        What was that radical alledged-child positive outfit she was working for in the 80s?

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        Did he eat a lot of pizza?

  • puredog

    “Those are very bad O-faces, Steve Bannon. You should be ashamed arraigned.”
    FTFY

  • Panika MCD

    remember when Lisa Murkowski won a write-in vote? and “Strange” is a much easier word to spell than “Murkowski”.

    • Tragic Typos

      Almost worked for Dracula Cunt, even.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      On the other hand, Lisa had an entire election season to campaign and advertise, Luther would have a month and much more expensive ad buys to contend with.

      • StrangerCaptainHowdy

        And she was the incumbent.

      • Panika MCD

        but there are also too no other races going on right now. everyone else is just filing for the primary. let’s see what the Kochs do.

    • SeeTrain65

      Splitting the GOP vote would likely be the best of all possible outcomes.

    • bbayliss

      I was thinking considering the abilities of the voters they should keep it simple, something like smith or JONES

      • Panika MCD

        depends on what AL law says. in AK it was sufficient to be able to tell that the person was going for “Murkowski” even if it wasn’t spelled correctly. “Strange” should be easy if that rule is in place in AL.

        • H0mer0

          “I said ‘Boo-urns’!”

        • bbayliss

          It’s a joke, Jones , get it ? Jones…I guess it’s not a good joke if you have to explain it.

          • Panika MCD

            should have gone with a Big Lebowski gif with the ferret and the bathtub.

          • bbayliss

            I would but i’m a round head.

  • Mr. Blobfish
    • proudgrampa

      That is creepy.

      Really creepy.

    • laughingnome

      Halloween? I thought the fundies were against it.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Is…is that even a real gun?

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Is that a real human?

        ETA: I mean, if I really wanted to impress people with a gun, I wouldn’t have chosen one so dainty-looking. That idiot can’t even do that right.

        • P’jama Pahnts

          it’s like a monkey waving a banana

      • theCryptofishist

        It’s one of those guns that’s connected to a worm hole. The bullets that come out of it… Well, I’m not permitted to say.

      • rumsey

        How come that nice Congresslady from Florida can’t wear her stylish cowboy hats without John Kelly making fun of her, but Roy Moore (and Ryan Zinke) can play cowboy all they want to? Hers have lots of bling and she changes them with each outfit. That’s called flair.

        • cmd resistor

          And part of why she has all those hats is because her Grandma also loved hats.

    • aureolaborealis

      “Is you is, or is you ain’t muh constichewunsah?!?!?”

    • Persistent Demme

      An iconic picture of Roy “Kiddie-Diddler” Moore.
      Found under: “Demise of the GOP” next to a picture of Trump on Wikipedia.

    • Daniel

      That gun is kiddy sized.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    Guess they shoulda listened to ole Trump after all, eh?

    • bbayliss

      That’ll be the narrative, He was right about something once

  • Michael Smith

    I’m starting to get a very faint sense that all this “fake news,” and “establishment Republicans,” and “Drain the swamp,” is just maybe beginning to start to get a little old even for some conservatives.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    Boo on you for having three, THREE images of Steve Bannon (Piss be upon his name) in your article!

    SHAME!

    I am not going to eat that lunch twice.

    ETA: ARGHHH! it was four pics, not three {{{RETCH!}}}!

    • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

      Why in the name of the FSM did you scroll back up and look?

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        I like pain?

  • Manhattan123

    Who is this Henry fellow? I’d like to know more about him. Does he hold the fate of Alabama’s senate race in his hands?

  • Tragic Typos

    Here’s his current list of endorsements.

    Expect some changes as sane Republicans jump ship and the Duggar and Palin clans go all in with endorsements up and down the family tree.

    EDIT: Whoa, thought that would collapse. Sorry folks.

    Here’s the link if you have a barf bag handy: https://www.roymoore.org/Endorsements/

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Get outta town. There is a Rich Wingo and a Randy Wood in the Alabama State House?

    • theCryptofishist

      tl: dr
      (sorry)

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      The arthritis in the finger that I use for the scroll wheel is acting up, so no donut for you.

      • Tragic Typos

        I edited it a while ago so if you are still seeing that long ass list, refresh. Sorry about that.

    • bbayliss

      You expect me to believe Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh
      is a real person?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    So, when do Bannon’s accuser start to emerge?

    • StrangerCaptainHowdy

      Maybe he’s the paying type.

    • anon_the_great

      Bannon’s a gin soaked cuck, so no one

    • theCryptofishist

      Early hours of the morning, oozing their ways our from under the rocks–oh, oh, you said accusers. I thought you said supporters. My bad.

    • Mary Theresa

      Your assuming women allow him to get close enough.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        You are assuming they ain’t dead.

    • C4TWOMAN

      What Bannon has/had with Trump was completely consensual.

    • Brian Fowler

      I’m afraid Bannon likely took care of them already. In a bathtub full of acid.

      http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/news/a53807/bannon-acid/

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Bannon does not leave survivors.

    • Gorillionaire

      Accuse him of what, crying at his limp whiskey dick?

  • theCryptofishist

    There are few people who would actually benefit from clothing and grooming advice from Ted Kaczinski. Bannon is one of them.

  • tehbaddr

    “Steve Bannon’s Giggly Jizz Yelping From Here”

    Honestly Evan, where do you pick that stuff up? It’s like he channels dead crazy people!

    • TJ Barke

      Hank Venture libel!

      • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

        “Jacket!”

      • ImGoingBacon

        I thought Dean said that? FWIW: Brock Samson libels also too!
        Don’t get me started on Molotov Cocktease.

  • From what I understand, if Moore is elected, the Senate has to seat him. However, they can turn right around and expel him, in which case, the Governor of Alabama can appoint a replacement. It’s up to the governor to determine the best time for a new election, and if they want to save money, they might as well boot it to next November.

    • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

      The Senate won’t expel him, because that would be both correct and effective at the same time. We’re only allowed one of those.

    • bbayliss

      probably couldn’t get the 18 to 20 republican votes it would take to unseat him.

  • Scooby

    I’m dyslexic I thought she was 41!

  • Notreelyhelping

    Boy. Sure is a Godly motherfucker, ain’t he?

  • Royal Ugly Dude
    • IdiotsforPalin

      Hey Roy, does the words “You’re Fucked” mean anything??

    • cmd resistor

      I sort of thought he might get away with the 4 in the WAPO story. Not because he isn’t a slimy piece of shit. But the 3 older women said, yeah, we went out but did nothing but kiss, gross, but he might convince enough rabid wingnutters that he did nothing wrong. With the 14 year old, grosser allegations but I figured the blame the victim thing would kick in (well, she WENT to the creepy house in the woods), plus, supposedly, he stopped sort of around when she asked him to (not soon enough to avoid having committed a crime or being a complete gross creep). But this is not a case of going on a “date” with mama’s permission. She accepted the offer of a ride home with a supposedly respectable person and pretty much right away he attacked her. Plus, there’s that threat he made that he was the DA and nobody would believe her. I would like to think he is toast. He should have been toast after the WAPO story. He should have been toast after getting kicked off the Supreme Court. Wait, I LIKE toast. He should have been DONE.

      • bbayliss

        The detail regarding the dumpster didn’t help

  • The Wanderer

    Here’s a literary* funeral for Bannon, when his inevitable demise occurs:
    1. He should he dressed in a suit the color of foreskin.
    2. He should then be wrapped in plastic.
    3. He should then be dropped into the Atlantic off Coney Island as the largest used condom in world history.

    *Super-special No-prize for guessing what book.

    • VirginiaMorningBlend

      No dumping hazardous waste in the oceans please. Also too, littering. Think of the baby and teen clams!

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Or Bannon can be sealed into a sufficiently large titanium dildo and launched into the sun.

    • ahughes798

      Mein Kampf, of course!

      • The Wanderer

        Nope, sorry.

        The book is Someone is Killing the Great Chefs of Europe.

  • TootsStansbury

    I just ate a handful of starburst so🤢🌈 at those pix.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    OT: Out of curiosity, is Luther Strange a Marvel or DC character?

    The googlez didn’t help me on this.

    • proudgrampa

      Oh, he’s a marvel, all right.

      • bbayliss

        And he would have won by twenty points.

  • Cornelius Fussbudget

    Preview of 2019: Roy Moore introduces “fetal personhood” legislation, banning all abortions of fetuses that can be raped.

    “If it has a vagina, I can fuck it, and therefore it’s a person,” Senator Moore said Thursday, adding, “Hey look, the mother consented, what’s the big deal?”

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      And a fetus will have more personal rights than even (gasp!) a corporation!

  • Tragic Typos

    EARLY TRANSCRIPT HANNITY 11/13

    HANNITY: So judge, to the best of your recollection have you ever parked next to a dumpster in a dark alley and tried to force a teenage girl half your age to perform oral sex?

    MOORE: Well if that did happen, I would have had the mother’s permission. But I don’t recall it happening

    HANNITY: So you can say unequivocally that you never tried to rip the clothes off a fifteen year-old girl you barely knew while sitting in your car?

    MOORE: I usually took the bus, Sean. But if someone says I did drive a car, I’m not going to dispute that.

    • puredog

      HANNITY: And some of those tender teenage throats, they’re just gonna have to bruise their own selves?
      MOORE: It is known.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      In this universe, Hannity does not ask questions like that. He can’t ask questions like that. He will be too busy lapping Moore’s taint.

    • JohnBull

      That trips the BS alarm–no republican takes the bus unless he’s getting his car fixed.

  • proudgrampa

    Instead of Draining the Swamp, I sure wish they would Drain the Cesspool AKA Republican Party.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Hopefully before they manage to turn the entire planet into a cesspool. They have an awfully strong head start at that.

      • Indeniable Ron

        The rest of us are trying to hold it back. Could use a li’l help from inside, though.

  • Jim QuinnX

    And another woman accuses Moore!

    Ooooo. Ooooooo. OOO. OOOOOOO! OOOoooOoOOOooOoooo . . .

  • capnkrunch

    EXCLUSIVE: Real footage from inside the Roy Moore campaign!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xo3Tpw-zLkM

  • JohnBull

    What a handsome man.

    • Ghoti theLinguist

      Bannon looks like a dog turd with hair.

      • Daniel

        Bannon looks like the love child of George Best and Oliver Reed’s livers.

      • Blanche Beecham

        I was thinking a dog turd with liver disease, but definitely in the ballpark.

        • Daniel

          Bannon is how we get Hutt foie gras.

      • bbayliss

        Good hairy dog turd or best hairy dog turd?

    • Flashman

      My cat has hucked up better looking stuff than Bannon.

      • bbayliss

        Regularly.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Those are very bad O-faces, Steve Bannon. You should be ashamed.

    Steve Bannon needs to up his game. Hey, Steve! Up yours!

  • Wes Grogan

    FYI for non-Alabamians, but Kay Ivey is actually not entirely terrible. She’s dedicated to improving the school systems without bringing in anti-common core conspiracy crap, she made this special election happen in the first place when the Luv Guv refused to have one at all, and now she’s not giving Moore a metaphorical “get out of jail” card.

    Is she my ideal governor? Hahahahahahaha!!! Of course not! But here in Alabama, we celebrate the non-batshit crazy ones we occasionally are lucky enough to get.

    • cmd resistor

      I agree, these days a non-batshit crazy governor would be welcome in many places.

      • Oblios_Cap

        No kidding. I have to put up with Rick Scott and the RPOF.

        • cmd resistor

          Yep, same here.

    • Beelzebubba

      An eye-roll Republican instead of a head-desk Republican. Lucky you!

      • Rotisserie Teal

        Baby steps

  • SweetDeeKat

    Huh. The day is getting a tad better. First Turtle, now a 5th Moore accuser with a signed yearbook. I may actually look at the credible news tonight.

  • Tragic Typos

    So Moore signed the latest accuser’s yearbook with “Merry Christmas”. In other words, he is likely to gain GOP votes for this.

    • cmd resistor

      Yep, a brave soldier in the War Against Christmas.

  • gingerland62

    Another “Alabama official” on CNN couldn’t understand the big deal.After all… “It was a misdemeanor if it happened . Stealing a lawn mower was a more serious crime”
    They are not even faking their views about “ladies” anymore.

    • arglebargle

      “I don’t know this Miss Demeanor you speak of. Obviously this is a made up fake news lie.”

    • cmd resistor

      Ugh.

    • starfanglednut

      So hurtful.

    • Cat Cafe

      Well, some of those ride-on lawnmakers are really asking for it.

  • arglebargle

    Not sure if this has been posted yet, but I heard tell the “White House” is looking into the possibility of Butterscotch Sessions stepping down as AG so he can reclaim his old senate seat. Is that even possible?

    • bbayliss

      Not if He’s charged with perjury, which should happen sometime after he’s interviewed tomorrow.

      • Rick Hill

        Wow. Electing republicans seems to be such a slippery slope towards lawlessness

        • bbayliss

          Someone on breitbart told me the senate has nothing to do with the law.
          When I pointed out that they make the laws, said person insisted “that’s the judiciary.”

          • Beelzebubba

            An easy mistake to make, for anybody observing how the GOP operates these days.

          • Indeniable Ron

            Ah, I see you were chatting with one of the intellectuals there.

          • bbayliss

            He had to cut me short he was late for his mensa meeting.

          • anomie

            ..then called you a troll for stating a fact. I know, happens to me whenever I comment there. Reality is so controversial!

      • Beelzebubba

        Is that actually an obstacle for a GOP candidate?

    • m3bosha

      I wouldn’t think so. He resigned his seat. If he wants it back I’m pretty sure he’d have to be voted back in during an election. But then again, if he resigned as AG, he’d just be a citizen. Then if Moore was elected and then kicked out of the Senate, he may be able to run during Special Election Part 2, Electric Boogaloo.

  • Apple Scruff

    “And there are bound to be more accusers.”

    Well that didn’t take long.

    https://twitter.com/nytimes/status/930169859710816257

  • sorbs

    Perhaps, just perhaps, these new revelations will be enough to get Pedophile Moore to drop out, leaving the walking whiskey flask to go drain his own swamp, repeatedly, and always, ALWAYS alone.

    • Donna Mueller

      it’s not to hard to see what 3000 gallons of shop-rite bourbon and 20 years can do!!

  • Flashman

    Slightly O/T, but could Wonkette please confirm that the young lady modelling its T-shirt in the sidebar ad is at least 16? Thank you. Asking for a friend.

    • Rick Hill

      Better yet, just make sure she wears the official Wonkette burka.

    • ahughes798

      It is Zena, Warrior Princess.

  • Flashman

    Show us on the doll where the Republicans touched you.

    • bbayliss

      Gonna need a younger doll.

  • Relativicus

    Until proven otherwise, I assume Moore will be the next senator from Alabama. I think he’ll win because Alabamans know “how things used to be,” and because “fuk yo, libterd,” and because outsiders are telling them not to, and because they’d “listen to Putin over the Washington Post” (actual quote but can’t find the article), and because “Roll Tide,” and because they like him.

    • bbayliss

      And because he never prosecuted the KKK

    • Bezoar

      I am guardedly hopeful that they will go for the Democrat here. The old order is dying more every day.

      • Indeniable Ron

        Can it hurry, do you think?

    • Rotisserie Teal

      Sadly, I concur. All this does is make his margin of victory 10 points instead of 20. Then the Senate will find a way to kick him out and the Repub Gov will put another place holder in (probably Strange).

      No way in fucking hell that AL elects a Dem to that seat.

      I pray to Crom that I am wrong.

  • Donna Mueller

    moore and bannon-two shining examples of the complete moral and intelectual ROT that has been growing at the core of the repuke party for 40 years.

  • Zombishroom

    When they say ‘drain the swamp’ is ‘and fill it with jizz’ implied automatically?

  • Aileen

    My med-spa dermatologist could do so much for that face, with the laser and chemical peel treatments and fillers available today. I bet it physically pains him to see Bannon’s photo and not be able to do anything about it. Like how I feel when I hit a shitty website on my phone that is instantly rendered unusable thanks to popups and modals and questions about push notifications.

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      He should have asked Ivanka for a recommendation.

      • Indeniable Ron

        ‘Seriously, Steve, they’ll have to tear out the foundations and build new. There’s just too much damage.’

    • Beelzebubba

      To be fair, Bannon inspires the same feelings in body-and-fender men, plasterers, and operators of grading equipment.

      • Bezoar

        Thanks, needed that.

    • Cat Cafe

      Yes, exactly! As a screenwriter I can’t watch a movie if the first act doesn’t set things up properly. Also, after years of working on sitcoms, I literally can’t watch them (“THAT was the best joke you could come up with? After working till 3am? It’s AN OLD DICK VAN DYKE JOKE FFS!”)

      • Indeniable Ron

        It’s 2017. All possible jokes have been told by now, so recycling jokes is unavoidable.

    • Indeniable Ron

      I was thinking a Surform might be more useful. Certainly more satisfying.

      • george lastrapes

        A good-quality spackle, with a rose-beige flat exterior paint, would do the trick!

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    Part of McConnell’s calculation is, as long as people are talking about nasty pervy old Christian Republicans diddling little girls, at least they’re not talking about another obscenity: the Republican tax plan.

    • good point.

    • Zyxomma

      The tax plan, or the filling up of the federal bench with young, committed wingnuts.

  • ScrwUStillaTexanLibrul

    See, the reason this is OK, for Moore’s people…it’s not a boy, or a man, just good old fashioned creepy patriarchal rape culture.

    • VMink

      “Found in a bed with a live boy or dead girl.”

      • Indeniable Ron

        I think we can take out the dead girl nowadays.

      • ScrwUStillaTexanLibrul

        Exactly.

    • starfanglednut

      I remain convinced that the catholic priest abuse thing here in Boston was as much of a scandal as it was because the victims were male. Males matter more.

      • ahughes798

        I know a recording device that transcribed the discovery process in that trial. The recording device dutifully recorded that what went on between the priests and boys was depraved…more so than was in the press. Then the tape broke.

  • Lord Grackle

    “blowing nationalist jizz ropes” !!!

  • Freida Peeple

    Why haven’t Breitbart and Steve Bannon gone after Mitzy over his alleged court martial for committing acts of sodomy? Oh right because that would require real investigative journalism as opposed to what they do which is Make Shit Up And Lie About It Constantly

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    A ‘write in’ in Alabama? Stop it. Milk is coming out of my nose!

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      Why are all the write-in named “X”?

      • Indeniable Ron

        ‘X? That’s mah cuzzin!’
        ‘No, dummy. That’s ×.’

    • Bezoar

      You made milk come out of my nose.

      • george lastrapes

        If the milk didn’t first go into your mouth, then you, sir or madam, are a medical miracle.

    • Rotisserie Teal

      Funny!

    • anomie

      I know!!! Like this is Alaska or something, where people can spell Murkowski!!

  • Beelzebubba

    “I believe the women, yes,” he said matter-of-factly.

  • Just wondering, when Bannon was producing films, did he ever try to out Weinstein Harvey ??

    • Indeniable Ron

      $5 says, well, duh.

    • Kryptonian Canis

      Let’s just say it would be wise to treat any potted plants in the vicinity of Breitbart headquarters with extreme suspicion.

    • george lastrapes

      He just mighta. And you spell that ‘WEENSTAIN’.

  • meanlawyermom

    “YEAH! Would you rather have an ACCUSED PEDOPHILE or a person who believes ABORTION SHOULD BE LEGAL? Plus, it’s bad to abort unborn babies, because what if the baby you aborted was Roy Moore’s next girlfriend, allegedly?” Oh Evan, how I love you and your way with words. This is golden.

    • meanlawyermom

      Also “Giggly Jizz Yelping.” You are so warped, Evan, but so funny.

  • natoslug

    Fucking establishment, with their “laws” and “civilization” and “don’t piss in the drinking fountain.”

  • rocktonsam

    Look into his eyes..
    He’s in charge.

  • Indeniable Ron

    There’s a certain… fascination watching this from afar. It’s like a 200-car pileup on the other side of the highway – you know people are hurting and maybe even dying, but you just can’t look away.

    • Harbinger08

      And you are going the opposite direction.

  • ken_kukec

    Moore needs to commune with the spirit of LBJ about what it meant when he lost Walter Cronkite.

  • Johnnymoreno

    Bannon has Moore blowback all over his dirty face.

    • george lastrapes

      Ewww. Is that like projectile vomiting? From the other end?

      • ExecutorElassus
        • Harbinger08

          Can someone please photoshop that video with Moore and Bannon’s faces so it can go viral with millions of views and add happiness to the world?

  • Zyxomma

    Could Alabama actually elect a Democratic senator? Is that even legal? If it happens, is that the proof that hell has frozen over?

    • anomie

      I for one would be very afraid.

  • Mormos

    so even mcconnell has a line he won’t cross. who knew?

    • 3FingerPete

      With his stubby little turtle legs Mitch can’t really see the line until he’s right up on it.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      McConnell was opposed to Moore from the beginning.

  • Minnesota Passive Aggression

    Is it strange that he still feels the need to call Chuck Todd “fake news” while using Todd’s words in his defense?

  • The Librarian

    Each passing day gets Moore and Moore disgusting.

  • Cat Angel
  • Moar Wordz

    I pretty much hate what image automatically comes up after reading the title of this article.
    And I can’t unsee, unhear it.
    Thanks for that -another objective achieved ?!

  • Moar Wordz

    AAAAND I just read the article, another image I can’t unsee.
    Hey Evan, you sure like writing abt. Jizz.

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