Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.
Senate Republicans are flailing their arms and waving an incomplete report from the Joint Committee on Taxation that says the shrinking middle class will bigly win under the Trump/Ryan tax cuts (for the super rich.) Spoiler, it won’t!
Over in the House, Republicans are praying to the ghost of Ronald Reagan that they can cobble enough votes together by Thursday or Friday.
A moment of reckoning is coming for Republicans over their Trump/Ryan tax cuts (for the super rich) as the House and Senate continue to figure out just how many Ameros they’ll try to reward mega donors with for putting them in office.
Amid ALLEGATIONS that Alabama’s gay hatin’ Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore tried to hide his disco-era dick in young and teenage girls, Breitbart has the EXCLUSIVE story of how WaPo is clearly lying since one of the girls wasn’t bourgeois enough to have her own phone line.
Roy Moore did a fuck-the-press conference last night where he threatened to sue WaPo, blaming Mitch McConnell and his LIBERAL media lemmings for telling everyone about his ALLEGED kiddie diddling.
Two Navy SEALs are under investigation for killing a Green Beret after he tried to blow the whistle on their ALLEGED scheme of stealing money earmarked for Not American snitches.
The Bannonites are trying to drag their next damaged lamb, Darrell Scott, to the slaughterhouse of a congressional run so that they actually have someone to lead their (no joke) “black people plan.”
Some Earth First science bozos are complaining about a global spike in carbon emissions, calling it a “giant leap backwards for human kind.” Geez, just get over it, and get yourself a fashionable cyberpunk respirator already.
Democrats are quietly roaming the halls of the UN attempting to strike their own agreements with Not America in an effort to thwart climate change.
Not American students are bailing on US schools, with 45% taking their colorful funny money to other parts of the world.
Former spy chiefs John Brennan and James Clapper were on teevee with Jake Tapper laughing off Trump’s criticisms of their Russian reports, calling it “a badge of honor” to be insulted by him, and stating that Trump is being “played” by Putin.
The investigation into former HHS secretary Tom Price’s fancy flights is sucking in more people like some sort of mysterious tropical triangle.
Trump says he’ll announce a trade deal on Wednesday, but he isn’t saying what the deal is — so it’s either a bunch of bullshit, or a Trumped-up TPP.
Trump met with Rodrigo Duterte and thanked him for showering him with golden praises and red carpets. The two (probably) talked about murdering journalists and critics in an effort to collectively “advance peace, to promote security.”
More than 300 people have been killed in Iran after an earthquake measuring 7.3; state officials are reporting almost 4,000 injured.
Wearing their best track suits and puffy vests, a bunch of Eurotrash neo-Nazis marched through Poland this weekend — clearly they’re unaware that actual Nazis tried to murder their grandparents almost 80 years ago.
A Vietnamese security firm is claiming that it has broken Apple’s new FaceID security feature with time, effort and a $150 3-D printed mask as nerds everywhere search for their shocked face.”
The NSA is going Roto-Rooter to look for moles and holes inside its lead-lined walls in an attempt to find out who the fuck is leaking secrets to evil black hat hackers.
Some US officials are raising red flags about a Chinese (42% state-owned) security camera manufacturer that has been dominating the big brother eye market. Insert your favorite William Gibson quote here. [Archive]
When she’s not busy being an asshole to everyone in DC, Omarosa says she does “everything” at Trump’s White House, but Crom only knows what the hell that actually means.
And here’s your late night wrap-up!
John Oliver brought back the Catheter Cowboy to look at the last year under Trump; Chelsea Handler had some talky time with Kentucky congressional hopeful Amy McGrath; Bill Maher was Checking In On Jared Kushner; SNL can’t believe how Roy Moore gives more children in Alabama nightmares than Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence, and wondered what lessons the Democrats learned last Tuesday.
And here’s your morning Nice Time!
The critically endangered Columbia Basin pygmy rabbit (it’s North America’s super smol bunbun)!
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