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sharpest knife in the drawer

Good morning! Grab three pots of coffee and settle in with yr Wonkette, as we have important reading to do together! If your outside looks like our outside, it is cold and rainy and autumn and ugh and yuck, so it is a very good time to curl up with a good book, and today’s selection is dumbest Russian recruit ever Carter Page’s testimony before the House Intelligence Committee, which happened behind closed doors last week.

The transcript was released last night, and if you are a Twitter person, you were probably awake LOLing at it for too many hours, because SHIT IS CRAZY. Here is an example, from when Page is being cross-examined (strongly!) by Rep. Trey Gowdy, who is usually A Idiot, but who in this case decided to be a lawyer. How many times did Page get questioned by the FBI in the 2016? He does not know, because he is VERY CAUTIOUS, therefore he does not “take notes”:

Here’s another exchange with your new BFF, Democratic ranking member Rep. Adam Schiff. After his summer 2016 trip to Russia, Page emailed Trump people promising “some incredible insights and outreach I received from a few Russian legislators and senior members of the Presidential administration here.” That sure does sound to us like he got some incredible insights and outreach from Russian legislators and senior members of the Presidential administration there in Russia, but apparently that is because we are stupid, because Page OBVIOUSLY just meant he wanted to tell the Trump campaign about all the Russian TV shows he watched in his hotel:

Are you convinced that this testimony is your new favorite thing in the world? Are you wondering if Page is playing like he’s an actually insane dipshit on purpose? The correct answers are “yes!” and “possibly.”

So here is how this will work: HERE is the link for the testimony. We are going to make another pot of coffee and read, and as we find hilarious things to make jokes about, we will post them here, liveblog style! You will either read along with us and find your own hilarious things to post in the comments (recommended), or you will let us do all the reading for you while you keep refreshing this page every so often (lazy, but OK, fine, if you have a “job” or something). Are you ready? LET’S READ THINGS!

10:20: Good morning, Wonkette reading group! This thing is definitely going to kill us, and we are having second thoughts. The first one million pages, by the way, are Carter Page’s letter to the committee, which was simply “entered into the record” during the hearing. It is insane, and it is full of all of the “Hillary is doing Benghazi to my civil rights!” conspiracies we have come to know and love from Carter Page. It is also not necessary reading for our purposes, unless you want to.

10:25: These, by the way, are the crimes committed against Carter Page by Obama and Hillary, according to Carter Page. Please note that he only refers to the Steele Dossier as the “dodgy dossier,” because he thinks it’s clever. (You are allowed to drink each and every time he says “dodgy dossier,” as you are an adult capable of making such decisions for yourself.) We imagine he giggled himself LITERALLY TO DEATH when he came up with that zinger, but don’t worry, he came back to life:

The untold story of the 2016 election is definitely Harry Reid doing “gangster tactics.”

10:28: By the way, when we say a page number, we are using the one on the HPSCI page, not the one in the PDF. So when we say “LOL on page 16 of his letter, Carter Page starts crying about how everybody knows the Russians tried to recruit him as a spy, but subsequently found him too stupid,” that’s the page number you are looking for.

10:36: Did you know the “dodgy dossier” was a 108 MILLION DOLLAR DOMESTIC PROPAGANDA PROJECT financed by all Democrats, living and dead, including members of Congress? WHOA IF TRUE! (p. 9)

10:40: By the way, when Page talks about the person he reported to at the Trump campaign, that was J.D. GORDON. Look for that name to come up more and more as the Mueller investigation continues to make news (we are guessing).

10:44: Carter Page did accidentally confirm some things from the “dodgy dossier” in his testimony. For instance, did he meet with Russian officials in July of 2016? The first one he admits to, on page 12, is named Arkady Dvorkovich!

But now it is GOWDY TIME, something we never imagined we’d be excited about:

Carter Page’s job in the Trump campaign was responding to the BLOOD LIBELS from the DODGY DOSSIER.

10:55: Page has a very hard time doing words, in general. Trey Gowdy did not show up for Page’s bullshit, though. Today, we are all Trey Gowdy (?) trying to get Carter Page on the record on whether he has ever met Donald Trump:

He went to Trump rallies! Does that count as meeting Trump? He saw him on TV! Does that count as meeting him?

Also, WHAT CASE IN SDNY?

11:00: This is the case he appears to be talking about. He is suing Yahoo and Huffington Post for defamation in a 400-page lawsuit, and requesting $75,000 in damages. Those numbers seem … off. That is what you ask for when somebody runs over your dog, not RUINS YOUR LIFE AND PUTS A DARK CLOUD OVER YOU AT ALL TIMES. You will see later in the testimony that Carter Page has a DARK CLOUD OVER HIM AT ALL TIMES.

11:03: To be clear, it takes over two pages of testimony to figure out “Have you met Donald Trump”? (pp. 15-16)

11:07: Before his summer 2016 trip to Moscow, Carter Page thinks he recalls remembering maybe possibly telling J.D. Gordon, Corey Lewandowski and Hope Hicks about it. ALLEGEDLY. (p. 19)

11:09: Carter Page doesn’t know what “coordination,” “collusion” or “conspiracy” means, he just knows his mom told him he’s not ‘sposed to do them, therefore he doesn’t, because he is a very good boy:

According to his “correct biography,” Carter Page has never coordinated lunch with the Russians.

11:16: Now it’s time for Adam Schiff to fuck with Carter Page’s head over whether he’s allowed to plead the Fifth on turning over DOCUMENTS, even as he is blabbering for one million hours before the committee. His reasoning seems to be that he’s worried that whatever documents/testimony he might give will conflict with whatever the government has ILLEGALLY STOLED from his computer (by getting a legal FISA warrant). In other words, he is worried he’s going to perjure himself by telling obvious lies:

Hoo boy!

11:24: Carter Page would like to plead the Fifth, but only on the documents that might get him in big trouble mister:

Also he does not want to share documents that will get him domestic terroristed.

11:27: We are very worried Carter Page is going to end up being the first person ever to plead insanity in a Congressional hearing.

11:32: Carter Page Travel Tips!

Ask Carter Page how you also can save $300 on a one hour call!

11:35: “Did you use encrypted apps to hide your Russian communications?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“THE DODGY DOSSIER TRIED TO KILL ME.”

“So did you try to conceal your communications?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“I AM A GOOD BOY!”

We are for serious wondering (again) if he is playing crazy for a particular reason. Maybe Mueller flipped him long ago and this is the just the character he’s supposed to play.

11:39: Adam Schiff confronts Page (p. 38) with an email he sent to Trump people after his July 2016 Moscow trip. It says “Russian Deputy Prime Minister Arkadiy Dvorkovich” had “expressed strong support for Trump,” which is very interesting considering all the other Russians who were expressing strong support for Trump at that time, directly to members of the Trump campaign! Donald Trump Jr., for example!

Schiff would like to know how this squares with how five seconds ago Page said he had no private meetings with any Russians on that trip:

He listens to speeches, because he is a SCHOLAR! But he doesn’t want to give you information about the speeches he has heard, because THE DODGY DOSSIER WILL TRY TO KILL HIM AGAIN.

11:48: (Page 40):

SCHIFF: Did you send an email to J.D. Gordon and Tera Dahl saying you would share “incredible insights and outreach” you got from “a few Russian legislators and senior members of the presidential administration?”

PAGE: Yes.

SCHIFF: But I thought you only met with one Russ-

PAGE: POSITIVE FEELINGS RUSSIAN NEWSPAPERS BARACK OBAMA BERLIN.

SCHIFF: Dr. Page …

PAGE: Yes?

Every word of this is unmitigated apeshit.

11:52: On page 42, Page refers to starting his “personal legal training,” because he has been reading Lawyerin’ Fer Dummies, and this is why he doesn’t need a lawyer present for anything he does.

11:55: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS REDACTION?

Uhhhhhhhh OK.

11:58: Trey Gowdy is tired of how bad at words Carter Page is again:

Gowdy references Page’s earlier troubles with the words, “coordination,” “collusion,” and “conspiracy,” and this time adds “contact” to the list. In order to drive his point home, Gowdy correctly uses the word “gravamen.” Golly, Trey Gowdy is just impressing us all over today!

We feel dirty.

12:04: Gowdy is not prepared to let Carter Page claim pain and suffering at the hands of the DODGY DOSSIER on behalf of the Trump Campaign and also America:

12:06: HERE IS THE PART WHERE TREY GOWDY ACCUSES CARTER PAGE OF BEING A “BIRTHER” ON RUSSIAN INFLUENCE IN THE 2016 ELECTION, AND WE CANNOT EVEN:

Hey, know who else is a birther, both on Russian election interference, and also on the original meaning of “birther”? MMHMM.

Anyway, Carter Page’s answer is that yes, he is a birther on Russian interference.

12:09: Carter Page believes the DODGY DOSSIER’S LIES ABOUT HIM had more influence on the 2016 election than the Russians:

12:15: Page tells Adam Schiff he hasn’t been able to keep contact with many of his Russian friends because after the dodgy dossier tried to kill him, it made him “radioactive.” Awwwwwwww. (p. 58)

12:17: Assorted interjections from Adam Schiff, in response to Carter Page’s constant yip-yapping filibustering about what a good boy he is:

“Dr. Page, I’m not asking you if you were called by the Wall Street Journal.”

“Well, I appreciate your assurances, Dr. Page. But I would much rather see the documents.”

“Dr. Page, I’m really not asking about your interactions with Harvard.”

“Dr. Page, I’m not really asking about dark clouds.”

NO FOR REAL:

Page again said anything they were planning was “put in abeyance given the darkest of dark clouds that was put over my head.” What a fucking Eeyore, like if Eeyore was the dumbest Russian intelligence asset who ever lived.

12:33: Carter Page is a member of Delta Sky Miles, in case you are looking at his travel expenses and wondering how he got such a good deal.

12:38: Carter Page cannot remember his conversations with George Papadopoulos about his Russian-linked perfesser friend, due to how Carter Page has been feeling triggered for a little over a year now:

12:43: Adam Schiff would like to get more clear on the Moscow trip Carter Page took that was not part of the campaign, but which he debriefed the campaign on, and how he didn’t meet with any important Russians there, despite how he told the campaign he looked forward to sharing MANY EXCITING INFORMATIONS from all the important Russians he met there. EXPLAIN, PLEASE:

Carter Page was just sitting in the hotel room, watching the Russian versions of Maury and Judge Marilyn Milian, and because he is a SCHOLAR, this gave him many insights and outreach to share with the campaign. We are for sure believing every bit of this!

12:50: Page says it doesn’t matter what insights or outreaches he had to share, because right after his Moscow trip (July 2016) the DODGY DOSSIER TRIED TO KILL HIM (September 2016). (p. 84)

12:52: YOU GUYS, WE ARE MORE THAN HALFWAY THROUGH.

BRB ORDERING PIZZA.

12:55: Jackie Speier would like to know whether Page has met with Robert Mueller. He doesn’t want to talk about it, so we are going to guess YUP. He also doesn’t want to talk about the letter he sent to the House Intel Committee and also to special counsel Mueller, so can we please keep this part of our conversation a secret? Speier not having it:

1:04: Speier’s questioning was followed by Rep. Mike Quigley, who had questions about Viktor Podobnyy, the Russian spy who tried to recruit Carter Page in 2013, only to realize that Carter Page is stupid. Page says he only agreed to meet with Podobnyy for an afternoon Coca-Cola because he likes to “interact with people from different cultures,” or he used to, before the DODGY DOSSIER TRIED TO … well you know. (p. 94)

1:12: “Did the Russian spy try to talk to you about Gazprom (the big Russian oil bidness)?”

“PFFFFFFFFT, like that little Russian spy knows anything about Gazprom. CARTER PAGE KNOWS ABOUT GAZPROM. CARTER PAGE IS THE REAL RUSSIAN SPY. Wait, have I said too much?”

1:17: Carter Page says he does not know Igor Sechin, the hed of Russian oil giant Rosneft, but he knows their investor relations guy. He says he doesn’t remember talking about sanctions with that guy, but who knows, he probably did. (p. 102)

After that (p. 103) Adam Schiff asked again if Carter Page is FUCKING KIDDING RIGHT NOW about trying to testify for one million hours but plead the Fifth on DOCUMENTS. This time, though, GOP Rep. Mike Conaway made very clear that he agrees Page still better cough up all the fucking documents they fucking asked for:

But he doesn’t WANNA give up documents, because he doesn’t wanna get in TROUBLE! Hasn’t he clearly said that when the government illegally (legally) did “wire tapps” to his fanny, they probably took documents from him that would be different from whatever bullshit he offered to the committee? What a pickle to be in, and all because Hillary Clinton did Whitewater to his civil rights, just because he is Catholic :(

1:25: QUIGLEY: Did you meet with your Rosneft buddy when you went to Russia last year?

PAGE: Yes.

QUIGLEY: Do you own any stake in Rosneft?

PAGE: No.

QUIGLEY: Do you own any stake in Gazprom?

PAGE: I did until HARRY REID TRIED TO KILL ME WITH GANGSTER MOVES.

SCHIFF: Did you sext your Rosneft buddy to tell him you were coming to Russia?

PAGE: Yes. No. Maybe. We watched the sports together in Russia!

SCHIFF: Do you have your friend’s phone number?

PAGE: Dunno.

SCHIFF: Did you have it when you went on your trip?

PAGE: Uh huh.

SCHIFF: Hmmmm, that’s funny, because the Dodgy Dossier says you secretly met with your friend’s boss Sechin, who is under sanctions, in Russia.

PAGE: I PLEAD THE FIFTH SELECTIVELY SOME MORE.

SCHIFF: Did you talk to your buddy after your trip?

PAGE: Yes. No. Maybe. Dunno.

That is only a slight paraphrase of pages 109-111.

1:34: SCHIFF: The Dodgy Dossier says you met with people from the Russian presidential administration on your trip.

PAGE: That’s crazy!

SCHIFF: Your emails to the Trump campaign say you met with people from the Russian presidential administration on your trip.

PAGE: I’m crazy!

1:37: Carter Page, world’s dumbest international man of mystery, does not have an address. DOES HE EVEN EXIST?

OK, Wonkette would like to go on record (as if it’s necessary) to say people should NOT BE DEATH THREATING OR TERRORISTING CARTER PAGE.

Also, we are not sure we believe him, unless his beloved Mother Russia is death threating him because he knows too much.

Anyway, he is sleeping on one of his friends’ couches.

1:41: Oh my god, Carter Page cannot even remember what all couches he has been sleeping on. All he knows is he hasn’t been slumber partying with any Russians, if that is what you are asking:

Carter Page, who ain’t got not job, also does not remember exactly why he went to Russia in December of 2016, but it definitely wasn’t because he wanted to look at the help wanted ads in Red Square. He is an entrepreneur after all!

The dodgy dossier can’t try to kill him in Russia.

1:48: ERIC SWALWELL: Who did you meet with in Russia in December 2016?

PAGE: Just people.

SWALWELL: NAMES, YOU DICK.

PAGE: The Russian government guy again. And the Rosneft guy again, you know, like right around when that weird Rosneft sale mentioned in the Dodgy Dossier was happening. A Russian banking guy.

SWALWELL: NAME OF RUSSIAN BANKING GUY, PLEASE.

PAGE: Dunno.

SWALWELL: Which Russian state-owned bank, since they are literally all arms of the Russian government?

PAGE: Can you redact this?

SWALWELL: Fuck you.

(Again, just lightly paraphrasing here!)

And then:

First, he didn’t know the guy’s name, and now they are “old friends.” Gotcha.

Tom Rooney, Republican of Florida, was presiding at that point, and literally everybody on both sides of the aisle agreed that GIVE US THE FUCKING NAME, PLEASE.

Page agreed, after offering lots more words like these:

So Page had lunch in Moscow with his Bank Of America/Merrill Lynch Russian friend and his Rosneft friend and NO, HE DOES NOT REMEMBER WHERE. Probably Cracker Barrel. He had lunch with another Russian, whose name is [REDACTED] and they ate [STEAK].

2:04: Oh holy fuck, this is ridiculous. Again, paraphrasing from page 127:

SWALWELL: Did you fly right back to America after your December 2016 trip?

PAGE: Yes. No. Maybe. I mean maybe I had a layover.

SWALWELL: I’m not asking about layovers.

PAGE: Oh maybe I went to London right after or just before.

SWALWELL: Oh maybe.

PAGE: Yep!

SWALWELL: Did you meet any Russians there?

PAGE: Unfair question!

SWALWELL: Oh Jesus fuck.

PAGE: Yes.

SWALWELL: This was right after the election, and now you’re meeting with another Russian in London.

PAGE: Maybe it was London.

SWALWELL: Oh Jesus fuck.

2:12: Carter Page cannot remember any of the hotels he stays in when he’s in Russia or London or the United States, because he moves around a lot because of how he always gets terroristed. He is only safe in Russia and in Chris Hayes’s MSNBC studio. (p. 129)

2:23: Carter Page may or may not have discussed the sale of a stake in Rosneft with his Russian buddies, and he may or may not have discussed American sanctions on Russia, but all of this was no big deal and it definitely didn’t happen, except maybe it did. THEY WERE WATCHING SOCCER AT THE TIME. (pp. 138-141)

2:27: Here, we are assuming approximately FOUR HOURS into the hearing, are GOP Rep. Rooney and Carter Page, talking about how very helpful Page has been, and Page asserting that he really hopes they get to the contents of his letter, which are the REAL issue, namely how all the dodgy dossier news about him is a conspiracy created by Hillary Clinton to do #Pizzagate to his Catholic civil rights. We’re gonna get to that, right?

“Gotcha,” said the Republican congressman.

2:31: Time to talk about the nondisclosure agreement the Trump campaign made Page sign! Paraphrasing for funnies:

SWALWELL: Who made you sign it?

PAGE: Don’t wanna.

SWALWELL: Chairman, he’s being a shit again.

ROONEY: Answer it.

PAGE: Don’t wanna get in trouble.

SWALWELL: “Congress trumps the NDA.”

ROONEY: Does it, though? Oh wait it does, ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION.

PAGE: Sam Clovis.

WONKETTE: Oh, you mean this Sam Clovis? The one who just pulled out of being Trump’s nominee to be the president of science at the USDA because he’s all eat up in the Mueller investigation? Huh!

2:37: SWALWELL: Have you said any lies here because you’re worried about violating the NDA?

PAGE: “To the best of my recollection, no.” IN OTHER WORDS MAYBE.

Page added that he’s only worried about making sure his answers match what the Obama NSA got from the secret wire tapp they put in his butt:

Also he is worried that something he might say might end up hurting somebody else from the Trump campaign, because the dodgy dossier might try to kill them too:

Heh.

2:42: Page tells Swalwell (p. 150) that he also told Sam Clovis about his trip to Moscow beforehand, so add him to the list that also includes Corey Lewandowski, J.D. Gordon, Hope Hicks and Jeff Sessions.

2:45: Did Page talk to the Russian ambassador about Russian sanctions during the four seconds they shook hands at the Republican convention? SOLID MAYBE!

Oh. My. God.

Page comes back to this “tax policy” analogy three million times in his testimony, as if a typical American meet and greet goes like this:

PERSON ONE: How it’s hangin’ bro!

PERSON TWO: Oh, you know, tax policy.

PERSON ONE: I know that’s right. Well anyway, nice to piss next to you!

Is that how frequently sanctions come up during casual handshakes in Russia, or is it something about Carter Page?

2:59: We have not abandoned you, we just hit a really boring part about eating breakfast with Sam Clovis and Carter Page cannot remember anything about it. Also, this is Sam Clovis, if you’d like to imagine having breakfast across from him:

You would enjoy having him as your waffle buddy, admit it.

3:06: By the way, if you are enjoying this, click below to TIP YOUR BARTENDER.

3:17: OK, where are we? We are 40 PAGES FROM THE END, HATERS.

3:19: Carter Page never got to tell the Trump campaign all the delicious outreaches and insights he got from watching Russian “Wheel Of Fortune,” because that was when Hillary started hate-criming him :(

3:21: CARTER PAGE: “I don’t recall I don’t recall I don’t recall I don’t recall I don’t recall!”

3:24: Ooh! So on page 170, we learn that, JUST LIKE GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS DID, Carter Page was floating the idea of sending Donald Trump to Russia in his place on his Moscow trip, to “raise the temperature a little bit.” That is weird, since we thought Page was just going to Russia to speak at a graduation and that it had nothing to do with the campaign. That would be like yr Wonkette saying, “Hey Editrix Rebecca, I don’t feel like going to this charity event in Memphis that has nothing to do with Wonkette, would you like to fly in from Montana to RAISE THE TEMPERATURE?”

3:33: So basically Russians were cultivating George Papadopoulos, and Russians were cultivating Carter Page, and some of them may have been the same Russians, but who knows. Weird how Russians were tickling the dicks of half of Trump’s foreign policy team! Wonder what they wanted?

3:35: Barreling toward the end, Carter Page is doing a soliloquy and sharing that he just wishes the American media was more honest, like RT or Sputnik, and also declaring that “innocent” isn’t even a strong enough word for how innocent he is.

He also says he’s being going to law classes with Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook, and that Mook has “admitted” that they used the DODGY DOSSIER (which tried to kill him) as a “distraction” from the DNC/Podesta hacks. Of course, the words Page says don’t remotely suggest Mook has admitted any such thing:

Good job trying to distract everyone by talking about Robby Mook, though!

3:44: WAIT, WHY IS CARTER PAGE LYING ABOUT BUDAPEST WHILE ADAM SCHIFF IS ASKING HIM ABOUT A TRIP TO BRUSSELS?

In response to this Adam Schiff, prosecutor extraordinaire, is like “WHAT IS THIS ABOUT BUDAPEST?”

That is just fucking bizarre. Page says he met with people from the Hungarian government, but he can’t remember whom, and that they talked about “foreign policy” things, but he can’t remember what. CARTER PAGE’S BRAIN PLEADS THE FIFTH ON HUNGARY TRIP!

By the way, there have long been rumblings that Budapest (and Hungary in general) is an important key to understanding the full Trump-Russia conspiracy. Wonkette doesn’t know how perfect this reporting on the “Budapest Bridge” is, but it’s been out there a while. Hungary’s government is authoritarian and very pro-Russian, and according to that link, J.D. Gordon (whom Page answered to!) has been there SIX TIMES, including during the campaign. Click and save it for later!

3:59: Carter Page may have said hello to somebody at a cafe in Budapest, but Carter Page does not remember if Carter Page did that for sure. And he still talks to a “scholar” (probably a spy) from there, just like he still talks to Russian “scholars” (spies probably), because he is a “scholar” (the dumbest fucking spy who ever lived).

4:01: Once more, with feeling, why does Carter Page not remember anything about anybody he’s ever met? BECAUSE TRIGGERED BY HILLARY CLINTON FOR 15 MONTHS NOW:

Also, Carter Page had nothing to do with the Trump campaign changing the RNC platform to give Russia a reacharound and screw Ukraine, he was only expressing HIS FEELINGS when he said “great work” to all his Trump campaign friends who helped change the RNC platform to that effect:

4:11AND FINALLY! One time Steve Bannon told Carter Page not to go on MSNBC and act like he was part of the campaign. This was just after the DODGE DART DODGY DOSSIER was released in January.

Also, he has never used an alias, except now he uses aliases, because the DODGY DOSSIER TRIED TO KILL HIM.

Did we mention that the DODGY DOSSIER TRIED TO KILL HIM?

WELL DID WE?

YOU’RE NOT REPORTING IT, KATY TUR, BUT IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS STORY, THAT THE DODGY DOSSIER TRIED TO KILL HIM.

And with that, folks, we are done with this 4305 word liveblog.

Did you like us doing this? (Traffic says yes.) If so we will do it with document deep dives more!

As always, we are

Yours in Christ,

Wonkette

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[Carter Page testimony]

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  • armed_bears

    When do we get WonetteTV? Stuff like this is made for watching…

    And yes, insane dipshit is now his official strategy.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I for one would fancy a dramatic recreation of the transcript, using only sock puppets.

      • armed_bears

        Worked for Pets.com.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I’ve got very cute Dalmatian hand puppet that would stand in well for the Doggy Dossier.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Swampgas_Man

    “Would you consider yourself an actual moron, Mr. Page? Or do you think WE’RE idiots?”

    • armed_bears

      AOT,K!

  • ManchuCandidate

    Yakety Sax is my suggestion for a Carter Page Theme song

    • ariel_gee_398

      That’s a little too pacy for his thinking. A toddler playing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on a toy piano and occasionally hitting the wrong note is more like it.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      “Enter Sandman” played on the Schroeder piano, triangle, kazoo and pennywhistle.

    • I’m thinking something of a little more Russian

      • Msgr_MΩment

        That’s Gospodin Trololo to you!

  • Put On Your War Paint!

    What a fucking idiot. When Trey Fucking Gowdy talks to you like you are a Moran, that should tell you you have failed somewhere along the line.

    • TJ Barke

      Bigly.

    • mysonsam

      Gowdy was trying to help him not look like booger eating moron he is! When your own side gives up on you,… sweet baby Jesus.

  • MynameisBlarney

    OT, but Today, in How fucking awesome would THAT be if she won? News…

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029808055

    • Oblios_Cap

      Pretty damned!

      • MynameisBlarney

        Also, too; is she single? Asking for a friend.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      All the ‘somes.

    • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

      Woot awesome!

    • H0mer0

      oh pleez, oh pleez!

  • Major_Major_Major

    My favorite excerpt:
    Mr. Schiff: Dr. (stifles laugh) Page can you please tell us about…
    Dr(?) Page: (interrupting) Putin kisses taste like chocolate covered straberries

  • Mpeg

    Gather ’round, fellow wonkders, for STORY HOUR~

  • Oblios_Cap

    What a Great Caper, Carter Page!

  • Scooby

    Does this guy speak Russian?

    • wavicles

      He’s having enough trouble with the English.

      • Scooby

        That’s why I asked.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Well, he claims to have watched Russian TV. I guess he just watched the pictures.

          • Scooby

            Bay watch doesn’t count.

    • I would hope–HOPE–that a person who has a Ph.D having to do with Russia stuff would have to have learned the language. His wikipedia article doesn’t say what his Ph.D is in.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Carter Page (PhD, Lickspittlage).

        • Ghenghis McCann

          Doctor of Phoney?

          • Oblios_Cap

            PhD from the University of London’s School of Oriental and African Studies.

          • Ghenghis McCann

            That’s what has me puzzled. It’s a real university, not a trump college.

          • Oblios_Cap

            He has some impressive academic credentials. He must have hired a body double to complete his coursework.

      • Scooby

        You might be surprised at how lax that requirement is.

      • mysonsam

        Something something economics relating to developing natural resources (read oil) for such places as Russia.

        So far as I can tell from his idiotic blathering. I’ll try to find the link.

  • Crystalclear12

    Proving once again there is no “smart one” in this shit show.

    • armed_bears

      This.

  • Crystalclear12

    Popcorn worthy.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Is Page A Idiot or the biggest A Idiot?
    https://twitter.com/renato_mariotti/status/927774036469473280
    I shudder to think what they might have gotten away with a modicum of competency.

  • Crystalclear12

    Trey Gowdy is outraged he has been forced to do his job!

    • He’s just upset he can’t turn his pointy-headed ire against Hillary Clinton again.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Gowdy is being out Texas-Congressman-ed by Page’s level of stupidity.

        • Page still hasn’t crossed the Gohmert Horizon yet…

          • MynameisBlarney

            There’s no coming back from that.

          • geoffalnutt

            They say you look like a strand of spaghetti right before you disappear.

          • MynameisBlarney

            And this is how the FSM gets his power.

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            You never go full Gohmert

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Hell, not only light but also darkness can’t escape that.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        “Not one of us! Not one of us!”

  • Jenny

    Carter Page has to be an CIA intelligence officer. No one is this blatantly dumb without serious training? I mean, he would be in jail or dead by now if he wasn’t.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    The best people. Simply the best!

  • Major_Major_Major

    Apparently there is gonna be a new Bond-style movie about Dr(???). Page tentatively titled Quantum of Sentience

    • CripesAmighty

      Question of Sentience(?)

    • MrTusks

      The Spy Who Disappointed Me

    • Shrieking Harpy

      Live and Let Lie.

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      Duh Another Day
      The Spy Who Perjured Me
      Dr. Dunno
      Dunderball
      Dimwits Are Forever
      Octodumbass

      and of course…

      From Russia With Love (a remake)

  • Oblios_Cap

    Page seems rather Dazed and Confused by all this questioning.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I went to Russia to watch TV because I’m a scholar. Got it.

    • Major_Major_Major

      He was especially found of the Teletubskis

      • starfanglednut

        But not that faggy purple one with the ladies purse.

        • george lastrapes

          Au contraire. His favorite, I bleeve.

    • arglebargle

      In Russia USA, TV microwave watches you.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    He’s like Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Ruh-Roh!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      That would make him a Lesser Dane.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      You’re saying he should flea?

    • Skeptical_thinker

      That is a pretty ruff thing to say.

  • Christopher Story

    I’m more cogent and coherent while I’m lying on my floor after a blunt and a fifth of bourbon.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    I’m always very cautious, for confidentiality reasons, to not take notes.

    I am SOOOO using this excuse, whenever possible, to excuse my own organizational defects.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Blame stuff on the last person to leave the organization.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Smelt it/dealt it libelz!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Every nonprofit Board Secretary in America thanks Carter (c’mon Drumpf, no nickname for this rube yet?) for this excuse for having forgotten to take notes at the last board meeting.

    • MrTusks

      I am very cautious about not creating incriminating evidence, but I assure you if I did create it, it wouldn’t be incriminating, so I’m invoking my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    That level of stupid could create a derp-nado in the room.

    • confettifoot

      Not really stupid. More like delirious, uncoupled, perpetually derailing, prolixity on acid. I think he’s manic psychotic.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Say, you know who else was very cautious and didn’t take notes?

    • Major_Major_Major

      Bergholt Stuttley Johnson?

      • From Russia with Love

        Made me look!

        • Major_Major_Major

          If you like satire, Sir Pratchett’s Discworld book are outstanding.

          • From Russia with Love

            Me? Satire?

          • Major_Major_Major

            Wait, are you being sarcastic? I would never expect that from anyone around these parts.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Little Jimmy Miller in the third row?

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Free Jazz musicians?

      • Wild Cat

        I think the death penalty should be replaced by nonstop Albert Ayler music . . .

    • Arolpin

      That one waitress who never writes down the orders (and always brings the wrong food)?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Hitler?

    • arglebargle

      Cliff? No, wait…

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Mrs. Wiggins?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Richard M. Ogg, inventor of the wheel.

    • geoffalnutt

      Aunt Clara?

    • Wild Cat

      Joe Girardi?

    • Put On Your War Paint!

      Laventiy Beria?

  • MynameisBlarney
  • James Baskin

    I’m a scholar!? Yes. A Jethro Bodin Fellow from Trump U.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      And a Double-Naught Spy

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Extra naughty, wink, wink.

  • goonemeritus

    I’m confused, Trump claimed to have only the best people on his team. This person seem to be lees than good.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Carter Page is living proof that having a lot of education does not mean you’re smart.

    • arglebargle

      Ben Carson set the bar pretty high.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      How true. Supposedly, even Dampnut went to college (although I still have my doubts).

  • Put On Your War Paint!

    In an effort not to fill this thread with variations of “What a Fucking Idiot” I shall now post in the style of various Marvel Universe villains.

    “Witless stripling! Is this testimony meant to convince me? Bah!”

    • Oblios_Cap

      Hulk Smash!

    • “Wen-di-GOOOOO!!!!!

      That Wendigo that used to fight Werewolf by Night

    • MrTusks

      You fools! You were meant to kill Iron Man, not make him stronger!

      (Iron Man is Meuller.)

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    I try to be cautious too, Dr Page, but it is not difficult for me to remember the number of times that the FBI interviewed me

    “I know just how you feel!”

    – Hillary

  • Wild Cat

    I miss the old days when guys with names like “Carter Page” were just harmless, passive, moderately corrupt, and oft-drunk white buffoons with a lifetime Senate seat.

    • geoffalnutt

      Old Spice and cigarette smoke.

      • Wild Cat

        A mistress in every district and a love of bourbon. Today’s fascist are all hard up, sober, and angry-for-Jesus frat boys.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          Word on the street is they’re not as hard up as you might think, because they’re groping (and worse) all their female staffers.

          • Wild Cat

            True, but I enjoy castrating the bastards in my mind.

      • puredog

        Hey! I resemble that remark!

  • calliecallie

    The Clinton/Obama Regime? Shouldn’t that be the Obama/Biden/Clinton Regime? Got to give credit where credit is due.

    • Timothy Watson

      Black guy always gets second billing.

  • Covfefe

    Since we’re whether Dr. Page is really that stupid, I will just point out that if you get involved in litigation, notes are subject to discovery, which means you have to turn the, over to the other side. Sometimes, it is wise to forget to takes notes.

    • It does make me wonder if he’s playing dumb, and is a Russian spy.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        I sense an Oscar nomination.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Yes, this did not seem like a stupid thing to say, but it did seem like an incriminating thing to say. Dude if there was no sketchy shit going on, it wouldn’t matter if you took notes. “I don’t take notes because that would document my criminal activity.”

      • From Russia with Love

        Also, if you have a security clearance they are going to ask you all about foreign meetings during your next background investigation. “I chose not to take notes nor remember occurrences” is rarely the right answer to the questions they will ask.

      • puredog

        Paging Stringer Bell. . . .

    • Oblios_Cap

      I’m in a group that files litigation and whose work has to be blessed by the court. Many meetings are face-to-face, or else we have an attorney write up the notes (privilege!) for that very reason.

    • mappo

      But it’s probably not wise to state under oath that you deliberately avoid taking notes in order to avoid docmentation of your activities.

  • Put On Your War Paint!

    “Assassinated, you say? Prattling fool, Obama would not bother to have such a fool as you killed.”

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      New haircut? Cute!

      • Put On Your War Paint!

        Thanx, new wig, actually. :)

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Hillary wouldn’t get out of her own Merlot hangover to bother.

      • Emily Sieger

        CHARDONNAY, you gin-swigging dolt!

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Huma?

  • Tragic Typos

    Is he trying to make a cute reference to Dodgeball (the movie) by suggesting his testimony be carried on C-SPAN 8?

    • Antonin Dvorak

      I always found the investigative reporting on the Ocho to be insightful.

      • Tragic Typos

        Every time I turn on the Ocho it is either a hearing in the Transportation Subcommittee on Footpaths & Unicycles or Lila Rose giving an interview about her latest book.

        I guess I’m tuning in at the wrong time.

      • the_steamer

        That’s a bold strategy, Cotton let’s see how that works out for them

  • CripesAmighty

    He’s gotta be auditioning for the Clouseau role in a Pink Panther reboot. There is no other rational explanation. Peter Sellers would be proud.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      “That’s it, send the other actors home.”

  • William
    • wide_stance_hubby

      You could also end it right there.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      (gif shamelessly stolen for future use)

      • MynameisBlarney

        That gif will be in use for decades.

      • arglebargle

        Keep it handy. It’s gonna get a workout.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    you were going to share insights you learned by watching Russian TV?

    God, I love my congress critter…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4d9a8ed5f0c0672c129b28a7241e30ddf0ab740f8a1a2125e2504e4572177a62.jpg

  • Blackest Noobs

    O/T: Moar reason why we have a Prez Trump

    my library is a polling place. just got a call from someone asking if we were open for voting. the guy said he voted for the President here but wasn’t sure if it was for local elections. this level of stupidity is yet another reason we have an incompetent piece of shit for President. today is gonna be one helluva of an eye-roller day.

    • Oblios_Cap

      You were tempted to answer “no”, weren’t you?

      • Blackest Noobs

        i was tempted to tell him to fuck himself…side tangent, don’t try to fake butter me up with how are you…i could careless about that fucking bullshit.

  • Mr. Blobfish
  • confettifoot

    It gets curiouser and curiouser. I was up half the night reading it. It’s like swimming upstream in the greasy green Limpopo river with psychedelic crocodiles and confused octopi while bug eyed mosquitoes carouse amongst the fever trees. (Careful, you come out exactly this crazy.)

  • Put On Your War Paint!

    “So, the inept Carter Page even bungled his attempt at treason. How do these incompetents hope to defeat the plans of Von Doom?”

    • MynameisBlarney

      They’re going to use the rooshan trolls to subvert The Fantastic Four?

      • Put On Your War Paint!

        “Richardddddss!”

  • MynameisBlarney
  • jesterpunk

    Its a good thing Trump ignored the evil overlord checklist and decided to go with the dumbest people possible.

    http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

    • Ghenghis McCann

      12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

      If only…..

      • Roadstergal

        “Weird orange man who talks funny shouldn’t be Prezdent.”

  • armed_bears

    And OT, also too: How does this woman lose her job for doing what all of us should?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c573bb368e309c22f5503f7efc417f403148f9360aafaf04e4179c29c5e822af.jpg

    And to hell with Akima LLC.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Honestly, I’m surprised she was not shot from a car window.

      • MynameisBlarney

        You just know that turmp was all like “FIND OUT WHO THAT BITCH IS AND GET HER YOUR FIRED! NOW!”

      • nightmoth

        That’s honestly what kept the HILLARY bumper sticker off my car.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Al Franken/this woman 2020!

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I guess it’s fair turnaround. Many Trumpers have lost their jobs.

      • Roadstergal

        “Briskman questioned how the company’s policy is enforced, saying a male colleague was recently allowed to keep his job after calling someone “a f–cking Libtard a–hole” on Facebook.

        “How is that any less ‘obscene’ than me flipping off the president?” she said to HuffPost. “How is that fair?””

        • Roadstergal

          Also – did anyone lose their job for supporting Trump? I thought it was for attending the Nazi rallies.

      • Royal Ugly Dude

        “Economic anxiety”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Most NPOs, she could just show that photo and boom! Job.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        That is the likely outcome, and good on her if it is.

  • Arolpin

    O/T: The shooting at TCU this morning? Two shuttle bus drivers got into an argument, one pulled out a gun and shot at the other, missed him, but then hit him with the shuttle bus. What are the odds that the TX Leg decides to regulate shuttle buses instead of guns?
    Also, I’m thinking that the ‘Armed society is a polite society’ line just might be bullshit.

    https://www.dallasnews.com/news/fort-worth/2017/11/07/tcu-tells-students-shelter-place-report-armed-suspect-campus

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      As we all know, when a gun is flashed or pulled, instant calm and politeness descends over any confrontation.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Magic, they are.

    • Edith Prickly

      So which one is the good guy and which is the bad guy?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        If they were both white, they’re both good guys.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Whichever one won?

      • jesterpunk

        They both are.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Good Guy has a gun, by definition, so definitely the guy with the shuttlebus

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “An armed society is a polite society.”

      Yet another shining example!

      • jesterpunk

        If you disagree with them they might shoot you, it’s safer to smile and nod while backing away slowly.

      • Covfefe

        But, instead if a fist bump, there’s a bus bump!

      • Ghenghis McCann

        I think Heinlein had visions of chaps challenging other chaps to a duel. Doesn’t really work that way, does it Bob?

      • Bobathonic

        It should always be noted that a science fiction writer penned that quote.

    • Covfefe

      Would you believe me if I told you that literally hundreds more would have died in the Sunday shooting if we had had tougher gun laws? Okay, but what if Donald President said it? http://talkingpointsmemo.com/

      • Arolpin

        I would believe you were a fucking numpty, but I know that you wouldn’t say that. I know that Drumpf is a fucking numpty, so I expect such bullshit stupidity from him.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      “A sufficiently armed population is a declining population.”

    • Bright Bart

      bus drivers are an angry lot. of that i am sure

  • Crystalclear12

    Carter Page- walking the fine line between stupid and mentally ill.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Because I’m lyin’
      I walk the line….

  • Villago Delenda Est

    He’s being very clever, or very stupid. Such a fine line…

  • Mavenmaven

    They only let white men get away with this idiotic level of testimony.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Page is like the Sad Barrett of the Trump Administration. He was a visionary genius who took LSD every day and and eventually lost his marbles and had to go home and live with his mum. You can disregard that visionary genius bit.

    • Wild Cat

      See Carter Page Play . . .

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Shine on you crazy cubic zirconia

        • Mr. Blobfish

          “He says, ‘These are platinum diamond Harry Winston,’ and he pulls off his cuff links, and he gives them to me.”

          The actor said he took the links to an appraiser six months later, only to learn that they were worthless.

          “She took [her magnifying] loupe, spent about 4 seconds and kind of recoiled from it,” Sheen quipped. “She says, ‘In their finest moment, this is cheap pewter and bad zirconias.’ And they’re stamped ‘Trump.’”

          • Kneeling Bozilingus

            Winning.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Careful With That Subpoena, Eugene.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Note to self: Cut down on amount of LSD in morning coffee.

  • goonemeritus

    I’ve seen Russian TV, my mind wasn’t blown.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Now Japanese TV on the other hand…

      • Yellerduck

        That wasn’t your mind being blown, it was a seizure.

  • ken_kukec

    “Mr. Page: I’m a scholar.”

    Guy knows how to land a punch line, that’s for sure.

  • Put On Your War Paint!

    “Your dodgy dossier is no match for the firm taut buttocks of the Master of Magnetism, Fool!”

  • calliecallie

    I randomly chose some pages of testimony to read, starting about page 138 on the hard copy. I would not ever try to outsmart Adam Schiff. Just saying.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    good luck evan, i hear the first 43 pages are him reading a statement and bragging about himself.

    (Pour yourself some Tenn. bourbon or whisky).

  • William

    I like to think there is a more clinical explanation for that response. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/25dee5f95ea3b6adae90e4be463327394c1e2c49d60457cf40dbbb3932e5e0b0.gif

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Is there really movie footage of Freud?

      • William

        Is that a rhetorical question?

        • Antonin Dvorak

          So the video part is real? Because I have never seen it before.

          • William

            There are home movies of Sigmund. see above.

      • William
        • Antonin Dvorak

          Neat, I always forget he lived into the 20th century. I always think of him as living much earlier in the 19th century than he did.

          • William

            The Vienna neatly trimmed beard era was deceptively long.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Sometimes a movie clip is just a movie clip.

    • confettifoot

      Right here. https://psychcentral.com/disorders/manic-episode/
      He’s pretty classically manic. All the time, apparently. (Retired psychotherapist here.)

      • William

        When I was a cop I pulled over a woman who was operating a dilapidated Volvo. She ran a stop sign. On her dashboard was a statue of Freud holding a rubber chicken. She turned out to be a psychotherapist Her sense of humor was charming and utterly disarming I let her go with a warning and a pleasant conversation.

  • Shrieking Harpy

    “I’m a scholar.” Hahahaha. Who doesn’t take notes.

  • nightmoth

    He’s a scholar! He watches Russian tv! Is that what it takes to get tenure these days?

    • jesterpunk

      Once they raise taxes on those elite PHD students it will be.

    • Yellerduck

      That ain’t workin’!
      That’s the way to do it.
      I get my info from the RTV!
      Oh, that ain’t workin’.
      That’s the way to do it.
      Money for nothin’ and the piss for free.

  • Tragic Typos

    Just got back from Pyongyang, you would not believe the fascinating insights government officials shared with me via my hotel teevee.

    • Major_Major_Major

      No offence, Dr(???) Page, but that was the in room microwave you were watching. Hence the “ding” at the end of the show.

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        He had it on “The Popcorn Channel!”

      • Tragic Typos

        The Kellyanne Channel is the best.

      • Kakkeltje

        We know this because the microwave recorded it all.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Did they have Skinemax?

      • Tragic Typos

        Here’s an unrelated true story: Once while traveling for work in Texas, I stayed in a hotel where the porn channels became unscrambled if the room phone was off the hook.

    • Covfefe

      Thank you for your service citizen.

    • OneYieldRegular

      To be fair, I once turned on the TV while in Berne, Switzerland to find a show entitled “Super Sexy Blob!”, which taught me a lot more about the Swiss than I ever wanted to know.

  • Crystalclear12

    I am too sober to make sense of this.

  • I’m downloading the PDF to read at work. My workplace is a polling site, and I had to be in by 5AM to open up and prepare for the poll workers. After the initial flurry of activity, things are pretty quiet for me, but I am stuck here until 5PM, when my relief comes in.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Did you bring breakfast beer?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Thank you for your service, Citizen.

    • puredog

      “It’s not the votes that count, but who counts the votes.” Words to live by. Go get ’em!

    • Skeptical_thinker

      Lucky you. Ms. Thinker is Warden at the polls. She opens, she closes, she sings, she dances, she tallies, she certifies. Won’t get home until 10:00PM at the earliest.

    • Bright Bart

      vote early, vote often.

  • Put On Your War Paint!

    “This Carter Page is so Witless he makes the bumbler Dowdy look almost competent! Again all falls into place, as I have willed it!”

    • jodyleek

      OT but I adore your hair in this avatar pic!

      • Put On Your War Paint!

        Thank you. :D Best $19 dollars I’ve spent, methinks.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        It is so sassy!

  • That scholarly sage Carter Page
    Had brilliance that no man could gage
    As smart as a bear
    But without any hair
    And a hide that’s entirely beige.

  • MynameisBlarney

    OT, but on NPR this morning they interviewed a couple of dumbfuck trump voters in PA.
    They voted for trump because he said he’d bring back all those coal jobs.

    Well…

    They just aren’t able to accept the reality that those jobs ain’t coming back.

    • Who would even want those dangerous jobs to come back?

      • MynameisBlarney

        The coal miners that refuse to be trained to find different work, because they’re fucking stupid as fucking hell.
        They also think that The Democratic Party is their enemy and that HRC is the Devil Incarnate.

        • Perhaps they could do small scale, artisanal coal-mining to provide lumps of coal for Christmas stockings and coal-fired pizza ovens.

          • wide_stance_hubby

            Starbucks, because why not be honest about what they serve?

        • jesterpunk

          Because Hillary had the nerve to say the jobs are not coming back so we should train people for other jobs that are available.

        • MynameisBlarney

          One of them actually said, “Things might not be going like we hoped, but at least Hillary isn’t president.” Or something to that effect.

          That kind of stupid is being used as a weapon against all that is good and green in this world.

    • jesterpunk

      Even Bob Murray said the coal jobs are not coming back.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      There were stories last week about how those coal miners in Va(?) are turning down retraining programs cause they have such confidence the jobs are coming back.

      I’m indebted thousands of Ameros and 2 1/2 years of time to go back to “retrain” for a new career – fucking assholes are turning down taxpayer funded retraining.

      Fuckers.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Ya can’t fix stupid.

    • nightmoth

      As noted scholar B. Springsteen said:
      “Foreman says these jobs are going boys and they ain’t coming back—“

    • lroom

      My dumbass Trump loving family member believes that coal is the cheapest energy on the planet. I asked how cheap it was to blow the top off a mountain cause that’s how you get to what’s left of it now. He says the lefties are making that stuff up so we can keep all the profit from solar and wind to ourselves and steal all the mining jobs. I can’t even with these people anymore.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I shun them now.

  • Werewolf

    The Dodgy Dossier? Does this eedjit think he’s Lemony Snicket?

  • puredog

    “Dr. Page”? Well that’s a load off. I’ve been looking for a brain surgeon.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Skeptical_thinker

      Wow is an understatement. Try WOW!!!11!!!

      Does smoke curl from the barrel of that gun?

    • mappo

      Excellent! The rats have their knives out and are stabbing any backs they can find.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Carter Page is the guy I befriend at the bar, invite back to the table (much to the dismay of my family and friends), and buy drinks for all night long so he’ll keep telling me his delightfully insane stories.

    I wouldn’t give him my real name or hire him to work on my presidential campaign or anything like that though.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    So he went to Moscow on vacation and spent the whole time watching TV in his hotel room and sending John le Carré fan fiction to his friends.

    Sounds legit.

  • CindyinEncinitas
  • ken_kukec

    “Carter Page” is the performance piece Andy Kaufman was willing to spend three decades pretending to be dead in order come back and unleash on an unsuspecting world.

  • Joe Beese

    Now you’re starting to piss me off, son.

    After Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) asked for prayers for the victims of the mass shooting at a church in Texas on Sunday in a tweet, he was met with widespread criticism from what he called the “secular left,” who claimed the latest mass shooting was Republicans’ fault for not budging on gun control policy.

    When asked about the backlash on Fox News’ “The Ingraham Angle” show, Ryan said the criticism was “disappointing” and said “people who do not have faith don’t understand faith,” and claiming the “secular left” is responsible for some of the “disunity” in the U.S.

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/ryan-those-critical-response-dont-understand-faith

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      i would argue people who don’t have faith understand it best, but I”m a dirty filthy atheist (I hear rumblings about how the shooter was athiest, so even though the cops said this was domestic and NOT racial or religious, it’s still a motive).

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Asked about what could be done legislatively to stop America’s epidemic of firearms violence, Ryan shrugged.

    • Tragic Typos

      People who don’t have derp do not understand derp.

    • MizzMazz

      Fuck you Paul Ryan. It’s a loser move to say that people who don’t agree with you don’t understand you. It’s far more likely that those of us who choose to live in the real world understand faith perfectly well, and see it’s about as useful as tits on a bull.
      Faith is what you and yours use to control miserable people who are hoping for some kind of better life, whether it is the afterlife, or if they pray hard enough, in this one. Those of us who have chosen to rely on science and evidence realise that things actually have to get done, and faith does nothing. That must scare the shit out of you.

      • lroom

        He doesn’t have any actual faith. Most people that do also believe in science and evidence. If he believed in anything he wouldn’t be a Republican cause those guys are the complete opposite of anything Jesus taught.

    • OutOfOrbit

      most tRumpers/fox viewers prolly thing “secular” is some kind of furring religion

    • NastyBossetti

      Oh, so this is about faith and unity? This is not about people being able to buy murderous weapons and gun people down who, by the way, were trying to exercise their faith in a house of fucking worship? Your “faith” isn’t helping anyone. Legislation would save some people. Do your fucking job you craven piece of shit.

    • anon_the_great

      The secular left? Paulie you ignit slut, our Founding Fathers wrote us a secular constitution. You otta read it

    • Manders

      I had faith (and do not any more). I get it just fine, I do, but also:
      a) in my church, when something bad happened, we went out and fucking did something about it.
      b) I also learned a little bit of scripture: “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s; and to God the things that are God’s.” Here’s another thing I heard a lot, which is not scripture, but Euripides:
      “Try first thyself, and after call in God; For to the worker God himself lends aid.”

    • jesterpunk

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUNcyyhXVlU

      “I sent you 2 big boats you dummy” Do something about it, thats why you have a brain and free will.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Religion really is a handy little dodge for these assholes, isn’t it? In the aftermath of another massacre, just intone the “thoughts & prayers” mantra, to give yourself the same warm feeling you get from peeing in a wetsuit. Mouth pious platitudes about “God’s will” when asked tough questions about your lack of action to stem these hideous acts of mass murder. And complain that those who criticise you for not taking action are sowing “disunity” because they “don’t understand faith.”

      Well guess what, ZEGS – we actually have absolute faith. Faith that you have done and will continue to do nothing about this issue, because you are a bought and paid for creature of the NRA and the firearms industry. Faith that you will do your best to distract, obfuscate and change the subject from guns whenever this happens. And faith that, no matter what, it will ALWAYS be “too soon” to have a rational conversation about the sick fetish so many Americans have for their guns.

    • lroom

      I’m a Christian and have been a Democrat my entire life. The word literally means to follow Christ and his teachings. Repub motherfuckers haven’t even glanced at anything Jesus even talks about. I’m sick of these assholes telling me that I’m not patriotic or a good Christian because I’m a Democrat. They can fuck right off with that shit and to any Repub shit stains out there reading this the thing that Jesus complained about the most were hypocrites.

  • Crystalclear12

    Living in southwest Missouri I have encountered my share of meth heads so I gotta ask:
    Has anyone checked Carter’s teeth?

  • Picabo
    • Antonin Dvorak

      Your eye witness testimony is important to us, please stay on the line.

    • Shrieking Harpy

      For plea deals, press one.

    • Stulexington

      Or you can press 2 to leave your number and a statement of what crimes you have committed and we’ll get back to you with an offer as soon as an agent becomes available.

  • Blackest Noobs

    O/T: cycling gear XXX

    so im sure there’s probably some big people out there biking but i just find it kinda hilarious there is biking gear ( i.e. fitted sporto clothing) that in the XXX size. like if you’re serious about biking i just don’t see how you wear XXX…i would imagine if biking at least twice a week, you drop down at least an X, maybe double X down.

    it’s like don’t buy this expensive bike wearing gear, drop the pounds and if you get like serioso about it…then sure go buy that fitting “wind-resistant” clothing.

    • Arolpin

      There are actually a lot of cyclist who don’t fit the normal ‘athlete body’ mold. The NY Times had a story on pretty serious cyclists who upset the rest of the group because they look fat, but then they kick ass. Basically, extra weight isn’t much of an impediment to long-distance cycling if one is in decent cardio-vascular shape as opposed to bodybuilder shape.

      • Tragic Typos

        Good luck drafting, though.

        • Arolpin

          That’s why you make the widebodies take the lead, better drafting for the rest of the peleton. (I’m a widebody, but not much of a cyclist.)

      • Blackest Noobs

        i dunno…just for shits and giggles i tried on a pair of shorts XXX size…you couldve fit two of me in those and still have room for pie.

        sure you can say extra weight isn’t an impediment but i’ve never seen a tour de france rider who was bulging out of his tight biking gear…and when i do come across these guys on the road…i am ALWAYS blasting past them on hills, they on tricked out road bikes, me on my old MTB with slicks instead of knobby tires.

        i am a mountain biker through and through and i road ride mostly for the solitude and i specifically pick areas with lottsa intense hills because it makes me a better mountain biker.

        like last week, i hit the trails and shaved off 10 minutes on my time. you ride enough you lose the fucking gut, i know that for a fact because it the only area i carry fat. another thing for shits and giggles, i let my friends try to gut punch me. i still got a lil fat on me, but under that is rock hard muscles. a friend said my stomach hurt their hand…ha ha ha.

    • Crystalclear12

      Maybe it’s for that less than subtle present for a loved one.

      • Blackest Noobs

        bwhahahahahahahaha

    • Maggielle

      Eh. I’m glad there’s XXX bike wear. Riding a bike is fun and you are out in the fresh air and you see trees and neat stuff, and it’s an activity that can be done even if you’re fat and not really aiming to be a serious biker. I am in favor of big, casual bicyclists. Also, XXX is a sensible choice for, like, Bruce Banner.

  • Put On Your War Paint!

    “This Carter Page is so stupid, he thinks “Proust” rhymes with “Faust”.”

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      it doesn’t?

      (Seriously, I always thought it did. Also, new haircut? Short and sassy? I like it!)

      • Put On Your War Paint!

        New wig, Hun. Thank you.

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/22ebb041cee52519c7a4b6869c3dce2b8343a699431fb946fd4e8ee66ff38898.jpg

        It’s more Red than it appears here, overcast morning.

        And, I believe it’s “Proost” and “Fa-oust”, but I stole the joke from the Cobra Commander.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          ah, I think I recall that.

          (Also, sent you two emails. : D)

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            I replied, I think to the correct addy. :)

        • Covfefe

          Trick question: What does Put on Your War Paint have in common with Donald President?

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            I don’t know….

          • Covfefe

            What does Put on Your War Paint have in common with Jefferson Beauregard Sessions?

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            Nothing?

          • Covfefe

            A hair piece

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            Ahh, I should have seen that one, eh? :)

    • lroom

      I like the haircut also too!

      • Put On Your War Paint!

        Thank you! :D

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    This promises to be the most dazzling display of derp ever. Yes, I did alliteration. Deal with it.

    Dazzling. Derp. Two great flavors, one great treat!

  • OrG

    This guy’s a doctor? Of what?
    Can we dispense of the fiction that USAmerica is a meritocracy?

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      he also considers himself a “scholar.”

      • Stulexington

        He’s a doctor of scholar!

      • Put On Your War Paint!

        “Scholar? Page is so stupid he thought a Quarterback should involve a refund!”

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          rofl, zing!

        • Maggielle

          “If brains were dynamite, he couldn’t even blow his nose.”

    • Vincent Ricola

      Doctor of Russian treasons?

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Doctor of the Vagueness of the Things.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Good question. Wikipedia only says that he has an MA.

      Did the University of Putin grant him an honorary CSD (Doctor of Collusion Sciences?)

  • janecita

    Carter Page has a fucking PHD!!! That alone makes me wanna cry.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      You can get a PhD in fucking? [runs to the googles]

      • janecita

        I wish;-)

      • elviouslyqueer

        I’m pretty sure there’s a whole category for this on PornHub.

        Ahem. Or so I’ve heard.

        • Put On Your War Paint!

          So to speak? xD

        • SDGeoff3

          I keep getting distracted everytime I go to look for it.

      • NastyBossetti

        If you can, I guarantee Carter Page does not have one.

  • covfefesumgame0005

    anyone else think the audio book version should use Gilbert Godfrey as Carters voice?

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      actually laughed out loud.

      Being a contrarian though, I would have to nominate bobcat goldthwait.

      • SDGeoff3

        I’ma second that.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Then we would be able to differentiate between him and Jared.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Wait just a goddamned minute here. Carter Page is a doctor? With an actual PhD?

    Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that noise.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I grew iup in a family of acadmeics. Trust me, civilians do not have a monopoly on stupid.

      • Covfefe

        Will the members of your family disclose where they got their Ph. D.’s?

        • SDGeoff3

          If they are like the Ph.D types I know, they don’t discuss it. They just sit around and talk and stuff and continue to make me feel all nice and learn-y.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      i bet his dissertation is fucking hilarious.

      Can’t you sometime get those up on the internet? (But don’t make Evan do it, he’s suffering enough right now. Maybe a Dok sunday special?)

    • Bright Bart
    • Lurkylu

      Well, Gorka has a PhD too. i suspect there are some insto-credentials floating around the Trump administration. Also, Trump is a walking commercial for Abilifiy and Seroquel, for gods sake.

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      The influence of semiperipheral powers on the balance between capitalism and socialism in Central Asia: an analysis of Russias [sic] impact on governance and the regional energy sector 1987-2007.

      http://ethos.bl.uk/OrderDetails.do?uin=uk.bl.ethos.701966

      The Russian ties run deep with this one.

      https://www.desmogblog.com/2017/03/30/carter-page-trump-russia-energy-writings

  • Picabo
  • The Wanderer

    Holy happy monkey fuck, Batman. This guy’s a real piece of work – does he have his Decoder Ring?

    • covfefesumgame0005

      just the cock ring version…

    • OrG

      Drink more Ovaltine.

      • OutOfOrbit

        eat more Vulvatine

        • Skeptical_thinker

          I am intrigued by your ideas and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

  • confettifoot

    Gowdy is like “I’m a razor sharp famous bully here to Okham right thru this prolix bullshit” and Carter is like “Many cats and also do you see that thing on the ceiling and my theory on that is something I do and do not maybe never mind what?”

    • Edith Prickly

      “This is my theory which is mine and what it is too…”

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Direct quote from Page’s stupid letter,
    “Furthermore, in order to properly understand his personal lexicon which stems from the altruistic management philosophy of President Trump, it is useful bearing in mind his core campaign philosophy.”
    Page is saying that when Dolt said “Obama had my wires tapped in trump tower…”, that Dolt was using “we” to refer to everyone on the campaign. Seriously.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      I’m reading a guide on writing legal docs in clear english.

      That sentence is a blight on mankind.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Coming from another profession that attempts to obscure unsubstantiated contentions in multi-syllabic rhetoric (swidt?), i.e. grant writing, the best thing that ever happened for those reading our bullshit was the character-limited online form. The legal profession should try this.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          We are…there’s apparently been a big movement toward simple, clear writing in recent years (like 10 or 20).

          the state rules for writing pleadings require “clear and concise” language. Many judges are demanding it and spreading the word. Teachers are teaching it. (We read an essay on legal writing by a frustrated judge last spring semester).

          I suspect the courts have been thrilled since they instituted page limits.

          The book I’m reading, and other people, theorize that it starts because law students are required to read dense old decisions and they copy the language. Also, I suspect there’s a primal need to sound “lawyerly”. I get into it myself sometimes when writing, even though I cut my teeth on tv news writing, which is (ideally) short, punchy and easy to understand.

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            Hah- in my profession that’s called “grants-y” language.

      • Vincent Ricola

        I don’t know legal docs or clear English and even I can tell a string of bullshit when I read it.

    • NastyBossetti

      Altruistic? Donald Trump? hahahahahahahahahaha
      hahaha
      hahah
      ha
      haha

  • laughingnome

    I’m sure I’m not the first to make the joke about Carter Page and the witless protection program.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    with the exception of the mentally ill filer, pro se litigants are hilarious. They have the BEST pleadings.

    • jesterpunk

      The man who represents himself has a fucking moron for a client.

      https://www.popehat.com/2013/11/14/the-man-who-represents-himself-has-a-fool-for-a-client/

    • Edith Prickly

      Any good examples?

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        not off the top of my head – they’re pretty common. (Many come from inmates. I feel bad for them along with the mentally ill pro se litigants. I read in a book once some inmates do it to kill time and basically give the “system” a hard time).

        oooh wait, I know of one. Stand by.

        • SDGeoff3

          I just knew Edith could drag it out of you!

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        Edith, it’ll take some digging. Remind me tonight and I’ll find it (got ironing to do before work!

        It’s one from that first case about Trump’s travel ban. I think the guy was an actual lawyer, but it was an embarrassing amicus brief.

  • Timothy Watson

    The darkest, most beautiful cloud you’re ever see!

  • folderol

    ( to the tune of Daniel Boone Theme Song)

    Carter Page took the stand
    He likes to GRANDstand
    And he sold out America
    To fill Mr. Putin with glee!

    Carter took the stand
    He likes to GRANDstand
    He was glib, he was spurious
    Too make Congress furious, he!

    From the shiny shaved head on the top of ol’ Page
    To the heel of his Gucci shoes
    The careless’est, stupid’est, clueless’est man
    He never had a clue!

    Carter Page took the stand
    He likes to GRANDstand
    And sold out America
    To be Mr. Putin’s payee!

    What a goon, what goober
    What a dumbfucking loser was he!

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Also, WHAT CASE IN SDNY?”

    Probably one of the still sealed indictments that were alongside Flynn and Manafort. Or are those in Eastern Virginia? Man this shit is complicated!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Page is a fucking idiot, with just enough knowledge to make him think he’s a fucking genius. Not working for Trump, and it won’t work for him.

  • I guessing somebody in a bar once told Page if he chugged a whole two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper that would automatically make him a Real Doctor.

    BREAKING NEWS Sources allege Page spray-vomited after only getting about half way through the bottle so it didn’t count anyways.

    • Tragic Typos

      Terminal Master’s.

      • SDGeoff3

        Poor thing.

  • Tragic Typos

    My AT&T U-verse package includes Univision, Telemundo, Galavision and Estrella — Ask Me Anything.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    since this is kinda OT: Should I join my comm college’s honor society? I mean, it’s community college. And the honor society seems to be nothing m ore than a $35 grift. I may apply to law school someday, but I think the 4.0 GPA (so far!) that got me eligibile for the honor society will count more than the honor society itself.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Join! I’m assuming you’ll get a fancy sweater and certificate you can frame to hang on your wall, which is always fun and really what it’s all about anyway.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        I think I also get a fancy pin for graduation (which I don’t want to go to, but mom wants to see and she’s been paying my living expenses, so….)

    • SDGeoff3

      Maybe speak to members of the (congratulations Mr Honor Society in Law School!!!) society and find out what the story is.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        heh, I’m not in law school! (Thank the lord).

        I’m just paralegal student at local community college. (Our new attorney seemed REAL impressed when I introduced myself yesterday. /s)

        • SDGeoff3

          You are still smarter than I am, and from some of your posts, I sense you’ll do very well! Join the honor society. How can I chip in the $35?!

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            awww, you guys are such sweet people enablers.

            JK! ; p

            And you may donate nothing! I’m doing okay.

          • SDGeoff3

            Oh good. Keep up the good work.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            thanks..I’ll continue to update annoy y’all on the latest.

            (I got two tests this week! So much info!)

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      It’s both a grift and a resume line. For thirty-five bucks, I don’t really see a downside. Be careful what personal info you authorize them to share.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      p.s. weird thing for an honor society to offer (this isn’t the one I’ll join, I think it’s phi theta kappa). And thanks all for the input. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3832e52128a41d141dfb5155193f982cd10f5f78bbe78a09e8243010370740fd.png

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      I joined mine. I still have the pin in my jewelry box. It looks good on a resume.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        thanks Nat!

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Phi Theta Kappa.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            yup, that’s the one!

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            It tells prospective employers you have the discipline to apply yourself, which never hurts. Seldom do you get to flash your GPA, otherwise.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            heh, I put that fucker on my resume, “4.0 GPA”. boss at the ill fated law job noticed and seem (mildly) impressed.

    • Meccalopolis

      I did. It is an honor and let’s do what we can to set the standard and maintain it. Fir me CC was the conduit back into higher ed after the military

  • Resistor Radio

    I’m not entirely awake enough to read the transcript, but hot damn I’m gonna try.

  • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

    I thought I’d take a peek at the document before heading out the door. After a few minutes of “the FBI are a bunch of ignorant Russian-haters and the government is out to destroy humble patriots like myself and Martin Luther King who only want peace in their time” bullshit I decided that I cannot allow any more of this particular toxin into my brain. My recommendations:

    Make this the libretto of a 12-tone opera.

    or

    Persuade Lynch to direct it as a short.

    or

    Butoh.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Someone needs to get John Lewis to tell Page that “MLK was a friend of mine and you are no MLK.”

    • ImGoingBacon

      Lin-Manuel Miranda on line one.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      I vote Butoh, absolutely.

  • fawkedifiknow

    I put Carter Page in the same category as Donald Trump, on the obvious question, “Is the stupidity an act, or is he actually that batshit”? Nobody can be “in character” that way 24/7, like those two are. At some point, they would slip up and say something that leaves a glancing impression that they are not total knob jobs. But, not them. Consequently, I have concluded that they are not accomplished thespians, but, on the contrary, authentic dipshits.

    • Resistor Radio

      Bonus points for “knob job.” I like that one.

      • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

        Everyone likes knob jobs!

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      The best dipshits, only the best.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    When they get to “it depends on what the definition of ‘is’ is,” I’m done.

    • Resistor Radio

      I like how he mentions that he’s a victim in just about every answer. And while I’m not buying the claim that he only knows Russians by watching them on teevee, I am leaning towards the notion that watching Law & Order reruns is the closest he’s ever come to talking to a lawyer.

      • laughingnome

        According to his wikipedia brief his father is a lawyer.

        • Resistor Radio

          …he must be so proud.

  • Nockular cavity

    I ARE A SKOLLAR! I WATCH TEE BEE! [Throws Doctorate in river.]

    • Duke

      Getting propaganda tips. What’s not to like?

  • proudgrampa

    “…I’m learning sort of being clear.”

    What???

    • mysonsam

      You would think that such an important bit of testimony would help him to figure out a way to get his drug schedule straight.

      Jesus…

    • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

      “learning”
      not “have learned”
      give the good “Dr.” time to learn sort of being clear. it’s hard!

  • Shrieking Harpy

    “Well, it depends what you add onto that sentence.” May those words come back to bite all of them on the ass. And with the other meaning of “sentence.”

  • Ryan Denniston

    Even though his documents might conflict with what the gubbmint done stoled from Page’s computer, that is in no way incriminating!!! Except it is because he’s pleading the Fifth.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Shrieking Harpy

      Somehow when reading that I heard a grampappy voice. “Ready Jimmy? Okay, now careful . . . SET THE FREE!”

      • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

        “Free set, cap’n! Standing by to set the brig!”

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      And then some poor schlump has to translate that.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Anyone know what the hell he’s talking about with threats to life and limb? If Ted Nugent still walks this earth, I mean, Page is kind of a nobody.

    • mysonsam

      Very early in his batshit, rambling testimony he introduced transcripts of messages left on voice mail.

      I read the transcripts of those phone calls and I would feel threatened if someone left them for me.

      Having said that, maybe he shouldn’t have done stupid shit and then stupidly lied about it! To clarify, whoever left those messages should NOT have so, nobody should be threatened.

  • memzilla Ω

    MR. GOWDY: So coordination is not an inherently malignant word.
    MR. PAGE: Well, it depends on what you add on to that sentence.

    Howzabout we add another 30 years to your sentence, you fuckwallop you?

  • Ryan Denniston

    My money is that he uses Hotmail! For his backup, Yahoo of course was his main email provider (as they got hacked, it fits). And we got us a third black bar. What do you all think, Earthlink?

  • Vincent Ricola

    I am very pleased to see that Carter Page named American communications and public relations consultant and former model Hope Hicks as one of the people he bragged to about his 2016 collusion meeting in Moscow. I don’t feel she has gotten the clusterfuck spotlight time that she so rightfully has earned.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Don’t do the “former model” thing. I’m a “former Baskin Robbins clerk” but that doesn’t mean I didn’t go on to professional expertise in something else. This is one of those subtle sexual/gender intimidations that #MeToo is all about. Women often have to start their professional careers in fields that are easily dismissed or denigrated. If “model” is your foot in the door, then it shouldn’t be thrown back in your face when you use it to propel yourself to better things.

      Otherwise, carry on!

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I agree 100%. If someone had offered to pay me $300 an hour to be a model when I was 18, I would have grabbed it with both hands and done it for a couple of years to earn money to pay for college. It beats the hell out of what I actually did to pay for college – minimum-wage part-time work on campus typing for the Psychology Department.

      • BigCSouthside

        She’s the current communications director for the fucking White House. Based on communication from the White House, do you think she’s qualified?

        She was recently a model. It’s close enough in time to what she does now to be listed on her CV, probably because she’s not even 30. Her entire resume is modeling cuz she knew somebody(Ivanka) and whatever other jobs she’s gotten despite being under qualified because she knew somebody.

      • Vincent Ricola

        I copied her job description from the very first line of her Wikipedia entry:

        “Hope Charlotte Hicks (born October 21, 1988) is an American communications and public relations consultant and former model who is the current White House Communications Director for President Donald Trump.
        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hope_Hicks

        Though I agree with your point and you may want to edit her Wikipedia page to reflect the sexist nature of the “former model” piece.

        • WIDTAP

          Nevertheless, we got you on a failure to footnote rap, bud.

          • Vincent Ricola

            That’s my bad. I tend to look at the sum total of a person’s career trajectory instead of focusing on where they are at this very second, so I do this wikipedia thing all the time. I’ll try to be a better person or at least source wikipedia next time.

      • CripesAmighty

        Sorry. This person knows nothing about anything and is every bit as deserving of ridicule as the horsey-show shmuck who was put in charge of FEMA some time back–with predictable results.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          This may be true, but her past as a model has nothing to do with it. She undoubtedly got her first position with the Drumpf campaign because he knew her (and for which she was probably unqualified, which is not the same thing as “bad at it”), and she was unquestionably Peter Principaled into her current position. But in the interim she did in fact have positions related to the one she holds now, and it could be reasonably inferred that on some level she earned the credential. At any rate ridiculing someone based on negative gender stereotypes is never okay. The “models are stupid” trope is one of these. Especially since you very seldom hear similar disparagement about meteoric rise among males, then it’s all “wunderkind.”

          At any rate, err on the side of caution. If it seems like a remark might be construed as sexist, find another way to make your point.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        In Hope Hicks’s case, she actually didn’t go on to professional expertise in communications. She just landed a job for which she was eminently unqualified, based on her modeling portfolio, hung around with the Trumps and kissed ass.

        However, I think it would only be fair to describe her first and foremost by her future professional expertise, either as a snitch or as a federal prisoner. Her choice.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        How about, “current bullet necklace model?”

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          Different underqualified Drumpf shill.

  • Daniel

    Like so many political “movements” the Trump campaign drew to it the sort of visionaries convinced they could reshape the universe without first being able to accurately locate their arses with a map.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Not true at all, they know exactly where their arses are, it’s the warm spot where they keep their heads.

  • ImGoingBacon

    So I have thoughts on the Honorable Mr. Gowdy. First, it could be a case of ‘a stopped clock is right twice a day’. Second, he sees Mr. Mueller as taking this shit VERY serious, and wants to be seen/known as serious also too.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    So, coordinate on lunch? Let’s all collude at the Pasta Conspiracy, say noonish.

    • MizzMazz

      And investigate the buffet table.

      • Red Richmond

        I’m down for a penne plot.

    • Meccalopolis

      I coups collude the Fuck out of some lunch right now

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Another favorite, this one is from his testimony,

    Mr. Schiff: “Dr. Page, I’m not sure I understand the answer. Is this a document that’s in your possession that you withheld from the committee?”
    Mr. Page: “I would be happy to give you that document, yes.”
    Mr. Schiff: “Well, we have the document, Dr. Page. That’s really not the point. But you had this document. You’re aware that it was responsive to the subpoena and your refused to provide it?”

    • MrTusks

      If he had a brain and/or a lawyer, this would be a “o fuk” moment.

      • mappo

        He should be charged with Contempt of Competence, or perhaps Contempt of Common Sense.

  • Maclare’s Castle o’ Crap 🏰

    This is one big box of derp and word salad!

  • Meccalopolis

    He’s like the anti Colombo

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “Uh, just one less thing, sir.”

  • Crystalclear12

    I think this testimony could help him get a lawyer later on.
    He’s a slam dunk for a mentally incompetent defense.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    OK, gonna go do some art. Back in an hour or so. Save some good derp for me!

  • Tovarish Z

    I also understand this fool has not chosen to have a lawyer present at the hearings?

    • mysonsam

      Well, he’s got “Wayne”, (evidently, I can’t tell what is true and what is satire anymore.).

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Did you use encrypted apps to hide your Russian communications?”
    “No.”
    “You sure?”
    “THE DODGY DOSSIER TRIED TO KILL ME.”
    “So did you try to conceal your communications?”
    “No.”

    He should have stuck with the idea that using these apps saves him money on his phone bill.

  • Bright Bart

    you know who else came to america, watched tv and wrote robocop?

  • The Librarian

    Page went to the same school of obstruction as Jeff Sessions. Answering questions with nonsequitors is How to Not Answer Questions 101. They obviously failed that course since they keep getting caught in their own bullshit.

  • Thiazin Red

    If the number of times you’ve been interviewed by the FBI is too many to remember, I’d say you’re in trouble.

    • Well, unless you’re up for a job with the FBI, and the interviews are being conducted by HR, but I’m going to guess that’s not the case here…

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      That’s got to be the best line in the whole thing. Who knew Trey Gowdy had any capacity for wit? Stopped clock and all that….

  • Resistor Radio

    “…I did receive significant personal domestic terrorist threats against myself.”

    NO STOP- I’m laughing too hard – STOP, I can’t breathe, omg omg omg

    • CripesAmighty

      MCFLY!…HELLOOOOOO…MCFLYYYY!

    • Suttree

      In between Page and Stone we sure seem to have a lot of domestic terrorists.

      • Resistor Radio

        Will Hillary’s murderous reign of terror never end???!1!

  • exinkwretch

    That boy ain’t right.

    • eggs ackly-wright

      “Stand up, I say stand up when I’m talkin’ to ya, boy. Trippin’ over yer own feet.”

    • LeftyProud

      The derp is strong in this one.

  • george lastrapes

    Interesting that Reprehensible Gowdy is behaving lawyerlikely, somewhat. Do his political instincts tell him that the tide is going out, so to speak? Or that the ship is sinking?

    • Maclare’s Castle o’ Crap 🏰

      Maybe he just seems a lesser idiot by comparison.

    • eggs ackly-wright

      New brain?
      “Frankenstone…Frankensteen…Frankenstein!”

    • Erala Contratista

      If the tide is going out and the ship is sinking, when do they hit bottom?

      • george lastrapes

        I’ve been mixing metaphors again, by hand, when I need a tech-grade blender. Maybe a quotation will help. “Two riders were approaching, And the wind began to howl.”

  • ken_kukec

    According to his “correct biography,” Carter Page has never coordinated much with plain English, either.

  • Resistor Radio

    Can you be libeled by a private document?

  • So, did he have a terminal illness as a child (he got better!) and the Make A Wish Foundation granted him a PhD that he so very, very clearly could not have gotten through his own merit?

    • Ms.Moon

      He probably purchased it from some non credit university because no actual university could have given that idiot anything but the time. How well off are his parents maybe they bought him one.

  • chicken thief

    My personal fav Carter Page moment was when he told Chris Hayes that he never met some Russian dude, but if he had, it was likely in Cleveland during the GOP convention, and that would be the only time he’d never met the Russian. Probably.

    • TundraGrifter

      We’ll always have Cleveland…

  • Tragic Typos

    We might need to have Sarah Palin translate parts of Page’s testimony.

    • Resistor Radio

      Gosh, remember when she was the craziest person in politics?

      • Tragic Typos

        In my recollection, she normalized Republicans giving Putin hand-jobs.

      • Suttree

        One L Michele libelz!

    • TundraGrifter

      Sarah who?

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    OK, Carter Page is trying for an insanity defense. It’s the only explanation that makes sense. How ’bout we all pitch in for drinks for Evan, ’cause he’s gonna need it.

    • Resistor Radio

      indeed. If he’s not drunk yet, let’s help him out.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      His obvious consciousness of guilt will make the “I Was Insane” defense a hard excuse to sell.

  • TundraGrifter

    It’s a good thing for America that Mr. Trump only hires the best people.

    Anybody else tired of all this winning?

    • Resistor Radio

      Did you mean “whining?”

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    He just might be clueless and crazy enough to pull this off.

  • Resistor Radio

    I feel like Evan is editing out about seven thousand “bless his heart” comments.

  • Thiazin Red

    He met with Arkady? Ugh spoiler alert, I’m only up to season three of The Americans. Although, it would make me happy to know Arkady makes it out of the show alive and is still spying.

  • Resistor Radio

    When he says he had just the eensiest, teensiest, widdle biddle stake in Gazprom, given the big numbers involved, does that work out closer to like eleventy billion?

  • Beautiful Soup

    Stop trying to make “dodgy dossier” happen, Carter Page. Actually don’t stop, you’re delightful.

    • Thiazin Red

      Besides that name is already taken, they used it for the doctored intelligence that was used to justify the Iraq war.

  • Shrieking Harpy

    Based on his flustered testimony, I think the International School of Skullduggery will rescind his license.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      He can now apply to the International School of Numbskullery though.

    • Weird Fishes

      they’re burning his transcript and returning his fees as we speak.

  • SweetDeeKat

    He looks pretty healthy for someone who was victim of an assassination.

    • Resistor Radio

      And I don’t think you can character assasinate someone who lacks character.

    • Sophia

      Him and Roger Stone. You can’t keep them down

  • Suttree

    Dr. Page?! WTF is he a doctor of? is this like Gorka being a “doctor”. /FFS

  • tihond

    The dodgy dossier is the friends Page made along the way.

    • NationalGalleryofClipArt

      I miss Brit verbiage.

      Almost wish we had lost the war for independence, even. Just think: in that case, rotisserie cricket. & all the double entendres the SABRMETRIC crowd could make from wicket!

  • Resistor Radio
  • WotsAllThisThen

    I know what that redaction is. It’s obvious. Somebody farted.

    • Resistor Radio

      Or sharted.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        That would explain the second redaction.

  • memzilla Ω

    This is like reading the Bizarro Universe version of Kafka’s The Trial, where it’s the defendant, not the process, which is batshit crazy.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Eventually the legal system has no choice but to give up and accept its fate.

    • cheetojeebus

      James McAvoy will play him in the movie.

  • JMP

    When the FBI wiretaps you according to a valid warrant, that is not a legal wiretap (or ‘wire tapp’ according to the Predisent), not an illegal one, moran.

    I just love how this guy refuses to hire a lawyer and keeps going on the TV where he just digs that hole even further, he keeps blatantly lying as the hosts make mincemeat out of him (particularly when he talks to Chris Hayes), yet he has this shit-eating grin that tells us he thinks he’s actually fooling everyone. He’s another perfect example of the Dunning-Krueger effect in action.

  • Sophia

    We are for serious wondering (again) if he is playing crazy for a particular reason. Maybe Mueller flipped him long ago and this is the just the character he’s supposed to play.
    I don’t care how great an actor you are, there is no possible way to play you are this crazy.

    • tomamitai

      Not for an extended period of time, and not while improvising. A good actor in a well written role could carry it off for the duration of a scene.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Okay so it was Dudley Dooright with the Dodgy Dossier in the Dog House. Worst game of CLUE ever.

  • cheetojeebus

    Has Karla come up? That guy is clever and sneaky as fuck, I can’t see him putting up with Page.

    • Weird Fishes

      Y’know, Karla hired Kirov. He even hired Grigoriev. But I think that he would have taken a pass on Page. I mean, that boy’s just plum dumb.

    • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

      I thought Karla defected. Forget the title of that one, though.

  • Daniel

    Carter, it wasn’t the dossier that made you radioactive.

  • cheetojeebus

    Just so I’m clear, they don’t give out a PHD participation degree do they?

    • Jennaratrix

      I’m pretty sure his PhD is in prevarication.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I fully expect Page to show up at the next hearing wearing a bathrobe like Vinny “The Chin” Gigante

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Is his real name Carter Page or Navin R. Johnson?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTHL0y6xvLE

    • Weird Fishes

      Navin R. Johnson LIBELZZZ!!

      • Bebecca

        One of my first opening lines ever-I was born a poor black child.

        • Weird Fishes

          it’s a brilliant and undervalued film, I think.
          “I’m not going to miss the money, I’m going to miss the stufffffffff”

  • tomamitai

    I have — there’s no question in my mind.

    Or anything else.

  • Sophia

    I listened– I sat and listened in Russian??? Is English this guy’s second language?

  • Daniel

    I’m noticing he has his own lexicon, particularly for things that he thinks are designed to be against him, which is not a million miles away from Francis E Dec’s.

  • greyXstar
  • Jennaratrix

    Dodgy Dossier is the name of my new Big Bad Voodoo Daddies tribute band.

  • tomamitai

    I’m confused, which side of the “did Russia try to influence the election” question is the “birther” side? To me, a “birther” is someone who ignores or rejects reasonable evidence and continues to believe in what they “feel” is true.

    • Daniel

      Gowdy loves Trump and wants to kiss him, or at the very least he hates Democrats so will do what Trump wants. For him, “birther” in terms of the Russia hacking is believing that Russia actually did interfere in the election and from before Trump got the nomination- for Gowdy, in spite of all the evidence this is true, this is just a wild conspiracy theory like birtherism, which the President from his party believes.

      • tomamitai

        That’s what I suspected, but the extract from the transcript wasn’t clear to me.

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      I love that “birther” has graduated to referring generally to any conspiracy theorist. Our great great great grandkids will look up what it means, and learn about The Donald and the dark age he ushered in.

  • Daniel

    Just to point out- the actual “dodgy dossier” was the one that Blair’s government provided to justify our starting the Iraq war. This bellend can’t even come up with his own derisive nickname for the thing.

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    Besides “coordination,” “collusion” and “conspiracy,” here are other things Carter Page knows he’s not supposed to do:
    -Cohabitation
    -Co-sleeping
    -Cocaine
    -Coherence

    • Daniel

      -Covfefe.

      • Weird Fishes

        Pity, it’s about the only thing that he’s good at.

  • Meccalopolis
    • Weird Fishes

      OH! He’s a scholar. That makes it okay, right?

  • eggs ackly-wright

    Better call Saul.

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      Even Jimmy McGill isn’t desperate enough to take this client.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      A dream team of Richard “Racehorse” Haynes, Clarence Darrow, and Perry Mason couldn’t save this guy’s ass if he can’t keep his lantern jaw shut.

    • ken_kukec

      Hell, even The Dude knew to ask for Bill Kunstler and Ron Kuby:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNqLoFHJxM0

    • SisterArtemis

      Good share! What is this based on? I recognize that the faces are ‘shopped, but is this from the movie “From Russia with Love” or something else? The film quality seems more modern than 1963 techniques, but I’ve not seen the flic.

      • If I read it correctly it’s actually from something like “Life on Mars” but beautifully edited and with the faces ‘shopped in

  • Chris Hall

    Let’s wildly speculate (it’s irresponsible not to), the redacted part is he’s been interviewed by MI6. It would fit:

    Page: … I have spoken to British Intelligence
    Howdy: You’re telling us British Intelligence have interviewed you?

    • Daniel

      Page: That is right, for something they described, and I don’t want to incriminate myself, I am very conscious of how I might that it could be incriminating, they said “for shits and giggles”.

  • William
  • Carpe Vagenda

    It’s not a day for laughing, but this thread did it.

    https://twitter.com/Popehat/status/927913915370975233

    • natoslug

      We’re all just visitors here in Wayne’s World.

    • Meg McCormick

      *snort*

      • Resistor Radio

        “Can people like me see or hear Wayne?”

        • JustPretendImNotHere

          First (and probably last time) I ever laughed at something Trey Gowdy said.

          • Resistor Radio

            Wait, that was real? I thought it was very clever satire.

            Oh. My. God.

          • YetAnotherRebecca

            I know, me too….good lord…

        • ken_kukec

          No, and never the t’Wayne shall meet.

          • Resistor Radio

            I bow to your cleverness, kind sir

    • leemoder

      I think he thinks he’s talking to Bruce Wayne.

    • Cornelius Fussbudget
  • Nasty Woman Persisted

    Oy! He makes my brain hurt!

  • ken_kukec

    The dodgy dossier made Carter Page “radioactive”? No wonder Robert Mercer complimented him on his healthy glow after the trip to Russia.

  • MrTusks

    People pull this shit all the time when trying to outsmart the questioning attorney. They try to anticipate the point the lawyer is trying to make, so they fight like hell against the foundation questions. This just makes them seem stupid at worst, actively obstructive at best. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard or said these words:

    “That’s not the question I’m asking.”
    “Let me ask that another way.”
    “It’s a very simple question, Mister Witness.”

    and my favorite:

    “Yes or no?” “Well…”

    This is why trials last for weeks.

  • laughingnome

    I have never had coherent relations with that Russian.

    • Bill Diaz

      I was married to a Russian and I have never had coherent relations with a Russian. I think it is built in to any interaction with Russians in general, lol.

      Have a great day!

    • bbayliss

      with anyone

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Huh, I almost felt a ping of sympathy for Trey Gowdy.

    But I got better.

  • Meg McCormick

    Who even IS this guy??
    I appreciate for your typically insightful and humorous interpretation!

    • bbayliss

      The first person trump ever mentioned as a member of his crack foreign relations team, the second? George Papadopoulos.

  • YouInDangerGirl!

    Took me about 5 pages of the first letter from CP presented in the transcript to finally understand that he lives on his own fucking planet, where even the law of gravity does not apply to him.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      where even the law of gravity does not apply to is out to get him.

      ftfy

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Note to self, and also learned from every single police procedural and true court drama I have ever watched (and I’m addicted to them so I’ve watched them all. Also pretty sure this would be covered in the Pro Se For Dummies manual):
    1. Only answer the question asked
    2. Take a moment before answering
    3. Treat yes or no questions as yes or no questions
    4. Do not elaborate

    Doing anything else is like a big red I AM LYING RIGHT NOW flag.

    • bbayliss

      But he only watched russian TV And on russian TV police proceed to murder you.

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      I think Congress has forgotten what it looks like to have someone testify truthfully, so all these evasions just seem like a normal part of the interview.

  • gofish

    I have never ever had a happy feeling about Trey Gowdy, but I guess today’s the day.

  • leemoder

    https://youtu.be/98MNisZJyFI
    There’s something SO VERY familiar about all this…

    • Resistor Radio

      Omg that was brilliant, great find!!

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      That last line was a real knee slapper: “while the others were convicted and served prison terms for contempt of Congress” ahahahahahaha I can’t even type it without laughing some more.

  • SammyDEEEE

    Every time I think President Full Diaper is the dumbest fuck on the planet, I think of “Dr.” Carter Page, and realize… he’s only the second-dumbest fuck on the planet.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I feel so much better knowing that the president* is only the second dumbest fuck on the planet.

    • ken_kukec

      What happens when #2 surrounds himself with all the best people.

  • Maclare’s Castle o’ Crap 🏰

    So, I’m thinking this guy is less stupid and more arrogant. In that dense academic way that makes him unable to answer yes/no questions without spewing a wordy smoke screen.

    Wait, that does make him stupid. Nevermind.

  • bbayliss

    This is GOLD!

  • Fartknocker

    Did he get his Doctor degree from Ben Carson?

  • JustPretendImNotHere

    “I try to be cautious too, Dr. Page, but it is not difficult for me to remember the number of times the FBI has interviewed me in 2016 because the answer would be zero. I’m just wondering if you can recall whether the Federal Bureau of Investigation may have interviewed you in 2016?”

    I felt that “btichslap” from here. The fact that this is from Trey Gowdy is even more astonishing.

    • sarafina

      But Boy Gowdy still looks like the product of first cousins mating.

  • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

    If that guy’s a scholar, I’m Miss America.

    • CripesAmighty

      And like, such as…

  • Cornelius Fussbudget

    I guess those “Russian legislators and senior members of Presidential administration” talked to him through the TeeVee. So I guess he has that in common with Trump: the only senile old man in the world that thinks the TV talks to him, and he’s right.

    Also too: in Soviet Russia, TV watches you!

  • Bitter Scribe

    “I’m learning sort of being perfectly clear.”

    Kind of says it all, doesn’t it?

    P.S. What is this guy a doctor of, anyway?

    • SisterArtemis

      Dr. of B.S., I think.

    • ken_kukec

      Doctoring documents, judging from his assertion of the Fifth.

    • Maclare’s Castle o’ Crap 🏰

      Some sort of energy/economics/asian studies/Russian studies PHD thing

    • sarafina

      Obfuscation, clearly.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    “Is not spy ship. Is fishing wessel,” added Page.

  • george lastrapes

    My guess is he’s going for the inanity defense.

    • Jennaratrix

      ISWYDT.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    Dodgy dossier? Why can’t they come up with other terms? Frivolous file, nonsensical notes, etc.

    • george lastrapes

      Indelible dirt?

    • ken_kukec

      “Document in process of being verified as accurate” — lacks the punchy alliteration, I know.

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      Pee Pee Prevarication

  • memzilla Ω

    Now THIS is why I donate to Teh Wonket. Where else are you gonna find someone who’ll crawl through Senate testimony and give you a yuk every paragraph? Yeoman, ah say, YEOMAN SERVICE, EVAN!

  • Thiazin Red

    So this guy didn’t hire a lawyer, but he did make chart in Word? Clearly this is a man with nothing to hide.

  • Paperless Tiger

    He’s even a worse liar than his boss, if possible. How did the Trump syndicate get so far on such flimsy bullshit? It’s painful to listen to. Then again, you’d have to be an idiot to work for Putin in some plot against an American election. That’s just asking for it.

    • MrTusks

      You can bully and bullshit through a lot, but not through a Congressional investigation. One hopes.

    • Erala Contratista

      It all started when drumpf got elected, rejoiced at being the center of attention and is just now discovering that level of attention is directed at every damn thing he and his say, do and think.
      Before the election hardly anybody paid him much mind other than his occasional meltdown, fiscal and mental.
      Too much of a thing…..

  • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

    It’s probably Vladimir himself death-threating Carter Page.

    DON’T DO THAT VLADIMIR, NOT NICE!

    • SisterArtemis

      This actually would not surprise me.

  • unclejeems

    This guy is an Annapolis grad and served in the Navy as an intelligence officer. He has an MBA from NYU and an MA in “national security studies” from Georgetown. He has a PhD from the University of London, and has served at Bard College and NYU in various capacities. He founded and runs his own investment firm. He’s received a fellowship from the Council of Foreign Relations and has published, it appears, in peer reviewed journals.

    He’s been cozy with the Rooskies for decades, and constantly expresses strong support for the Putin regime, disdain for American foreign policy, and has garnered praise in the Russian media as a famous American.

    He knows exactly what words like “collusion” and “cooperation” mean. He also is very familiar with obfuscation and bullshit–and I hope that, very soon, he gains intimate knowledge of what the term “traitor” really means.

    • Whollyholeyholy

      Good lord. I had no idea that was his bio. It’s a bit Ben Carsonesque. Super accomplished pedigree all slathered in cuckoo for Cocoapuffs.

    • proudgrampa

      As long as he becomes familiar with a jail cell…

    • Fartknocker

      Sounds like the perfect candidate for the Dean of the Department of Emoluments, Treason, and Monetary Laundry Practices at the University of Trump School of Russian Relations and Business Affairs.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Hoo boy. This is from Carter’s opening letter-

    “By all accounts, the Clinton/Obama regime’s fake FISA warrant targeting me for exercising my First Amendment rights is the most unwarranted abuse of power that I and most Americans have witnessed in any election throughout our lifetimes.”

    He is SERIOUSLY worried about the information obtained during the execution of that FISA warrant. He brings it up over and over again in the letter. I’m pretty sure he’s hearing the “Jaws” theme in his head constantly these days.

  • SisterArtemis

    re: the 2:04 mark–
    It would be SO refreshing if congressional hearings featured disgusted Representatives and Senators uttering “Oh Jesus fuck….” under their breaths at ridiculous testimony. *sigh*

  • Resistor Radio
    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      These are my awards, Mother. From Army.

      The seal is for marksmanship, and the gorilla is for sand racing.

      Now if you’ll excuse me, they’re putting me in something called Trump Administration

    • Whollyholeyholy

      That’s him!

    • MrTusks

      Suddenly playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.

      • Resistor Radio

        “Everyone’s laughing, and playing, and cornholing, except Carter.”

  • Swampay

    Dodgy Dossier – the name of my next band.

    • Jennaratrix

      Too late, already claimed it. See downthread.

  • Swampay

    “It can never be as comprehensive as the information that has been stolen from me”

    Uh, fly that one by me again? You don’t have as much detail in the documents you have as is in the documents that were copied from you? How does that work?

    • Daniel

      He’s a doctor.

  • Jennaratrix

    The words “dodgy dossier” have officially lost all meaning. How did the “honorable” Congresspeople not start throwing things at him when he said it?

    • SisterArtemis

      I really wish Page’s name allowed for more alliteration.
      “Darter Dage and the Dodgy Dossier” would be such a good kid’s spy novel title.

  • Swampay

    Oh Fredo.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Holy shit! I can’t believe Evan persevered for this long even! He’ll be A Expert if he finishes. Then Rachel surely has to have him on.

    • sarafina

      Rachel will snatch him away like she did Steve Benen.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    “I’ve never done anything wrong, not only in those 2 years but throughout my life–

    I have it on good authority, that anybody who utters these words in while giving sworn testimony is desperately LYING HIS ASS OFF!!!!!!

    Hell, I wouldn’t swear that I’ve done nothing wrong over the last 2 hours…

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Two hours is a long time to not be bad, unless you’re asleep not where you’re not supposed to be asleep.

  • anon_the_great

    Huh. In retrospect that I Don’t Need No Stinkin Lawyer thing isn’t looking like such a great choice.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Would it have been too late for him to ask to be read his Miranda rights while in the hearing??? Asking for a friend… lolz

  • SisterArtemis

    Does that mean that truthful testimony that you might provide might create damage?

    discerning question, Mr. Swalwell.

  • bbayliss

    Charlie Pierce, “There’s just so much chewy goodness.”
    http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/a13443107/carter-page-russia-testimony-house/

  • Ryan Denniston

    Why is it that every time I read the name J. D. Gordon I have to stop and think because I always first think of Gordon Liddy? Oh that’s right, it’s because this campaign is full of people who did all of the crimes last year.

    • SisterArtemis

      I always think of Inspector Gordon… really.

    • Resistor Radio

      Same here!

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Me also, too.

  • SisterArtemis

    This is almost as good a Live Blog Of Something That Is Not Actually Live as that time Jason Linkins liveblogged “Easter Parade” a few years back.* Of course, this one is more headslappin’ than funny (like the Easter Parade one) but I’m thinking this live-blogging-of-non-live-events should happen more often.

    *you can google it – and when you find it, skip down past the liveblog of Sunday talking head shows from 2000-whatever, to the part where his girlfriend flips the channel (I may be conjecturing here) and he liveblogs the movie instead.

  • Put On Your War Paint!

    “I think Carter Page has lost what little he had left of his mind.”

    • Jamoche

      Dan Quayle was underrated. Is there really anything that sums this up better than “what a waste it is to lose one’s mind, or not to have a mind is being very wasteful, how true that is”?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    That boy just ain’t right.

  • Maclare’s Castle o’ Crap 🏰
  • capnkrunch
    • Resistor Radio

      Gahahahahahaha!!!! Dirty, dirty pegasus pony.

    • SisterArtemis

      Oh god thanks for posting that link, high-larious!

  • aureolaborealis

    I see someone playing crazy and stupid while testifying for two or three reasons, possibly:
    1) “I’m cooperating! Please don’t taze me, bro!”
    2) “Look: I’m so batshit crazy that, despite being ‘completely cooperative,’ everything I say is suspect, so my bosses are still more or less protected.”
    3) “I am America’s best boy! Candy corn! Anti-lock brakes! Baby wants to fuck!”

  • Resistor Radio

    Is “waffle buddy” a sex thing I’ve never heard of?

    • SisterArtemis

      Let’s hope not, especially if Clovis is involved.

    • aureolaborealis

      Possibly an act performed in the shower, involving excrement?

    • Beautiful Soup

      It’s like “friends with bacon bits.”

  • Rick Prose

    God bless you, Evan Hurst, because I can’t even imagine the combination of drugs/alcohol that would allow ME to wade through this crap on my own. What a guy…

  • WotsAllThisThen

    And to the best of my recollection, I’m wearing pants.

  • sarafina

    That was truly delightful, in a batshit crazy sort of way!!! (What toppings on the pizza?)

    • Beautiful Soup

      As we end a horrible year, Carter Page is proof that God loves us and wants us to giggle at cable news.

  • Virginia O’Possum

    I would just like to observe that Dr. Page, PhD, does not employ a spell-checker, unless he cleverly over-rode his spell-checker in order to spell “minuscule” incorrectly and lead us off the scent!

    • Beautiful Soup

      Next he’ll be droppin’ those gs like a common Palin.

  • aureolaborealis

    Is it possible that the Trey Gowdys of the world play stupid hicks to endear themselves to their base? I mean, I still don’t like him, but he doesn’t seem retarded here. I am have confuse.

    • Jamoche

      There was a time when some Texans were frantically shouting “Bush is no Texan! He’s from New England! The whole hick act is just an act!”

    • no. of course not.

      (yeah he was every bit the asshole whip smart prosecutor here – disturbingly so. which can only mean the other gowdy is a lie. man that’s depressing).

  • aureolaborealis

    An obscure ‘joke’ for the classics and choir nerds among us: Ubi sunt Gowdy-a?

    • unclejeems

      Ubi, quidem?

    • marxalot

      Semper ubi sub ubi, yo.

      • Daniel

        Good dog.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      No va can’t remember

    • Gowdy, a moose, Igitur!

  • ziggywiggy

    Carter Page = Kato Kaelin?

    • SisterArtemis

      awww I’d forgotten all about that guy

      • Maggielle

        Darn. I had too. But I’m getting a manic vibe offa Page, whereas Kaelin was just dumb stoner.

    • MrTusks

      Don’t go there. That means:

      Don = O.J.
      The United States of America = Nicole

      • ziggywiggy

        At least OJ eventually went to jail, so there’s that.

        • MrTusks

          On something stupid and unrelated, which is even more apt.

  • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

    So. That Dodgy got a Hemi in it?

    • SeeTrain65

      Must have. That’s why Page ran out of gas so soon and sputtered to a stop.

  • laineypc

    An haiku is called for, methinks

    dodgy dossier?
    dodgy confused dumb Carter
    Russians cannot use

  • Resistor Radio

    Anyone else getting the impression that Schiff already knows the true answers to the questions he’s asking, and is just getting Dr. Scholar Brains-a-Lot on record lying?

    • SisterArtemis

      Oh yes, that is precisely what I’ve been thinking. Not that Schiff (and others) aren’t doing a little fishing around while they are at it, but that dumb Page kid really doesn’t get how much they know already.

    • Electriq

      Schiff: Here’s some rope, idiot. Tie it around your neck.

    • Erala Contratista

      Yeah, me for one.
      Love how Schiff cuts off the digressions and variations and repeats his question until he gets an answer that might match his questions.
      Evan, you are a noble man!

    • anomie

      Yeah he got quite specific.

  • marxalot

    Half of this reads like the screwy wimp kid was trying to impress the bullies (with his “insights” from “people in the administration” which were actually just him watching tv) and twisting around on being directly asked about that; the other half reads like Orwellian doubtletalk after a botched lobotomy.

  • Chris Hall

    “Did you murder those prostitutes we found in the trunk of your car?”

    “Not to my recollection”

    • Marsupial99

      And by “my car” I mean the four-wheeled transport device, which may or may not be running, and either owned, not owned, or never seen by me.

      And by “prostitutes” I mean the human beings, possibly male or female, which I don’t recall meeting, but possibly in passing, who could or could not have accepted money or other items of value in exchange for their services, whether sexual or non-sexual.

      And by murder, I’d like to use my Fifth Amendment lifeline, which is something that I believe I have heard of, in a non-specific way, as a scholar, but possibly not from attorney or barrister, and like such as, but selectively, which, similar to commenting, is not allowed.

      I don’t recall the question.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Evan, you are a trooper slogging through this hot mess.

    Meanwhile, I’ve been over yonder at Just Security reading their play-by-play timeline of the Carter Page Shenanigans… https://www.justsecurity.org/46786/timeline-carter-pages-contacts-russia-public-statements/

    Sweet cheezus, something is very wrong with that boy. “A Idiot” will just not suffice to describe him. Like his Dear Leader, he is just constitutionally incapable of shutting the fuck up when someone points a camera or microphone in his general direction.

  • Jamoche
  • Jamoche

    “I don’t want to turn over documents because it might not match what I was overheard saying on wiretaps”
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjGCjbdDrtk#t=3m47s

  • BMW

    Remember the old novelty sign “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps”?
    I definitely would have made a more honest slogan for the Trump campaign than the one they actually used.

  • Carter Page did not make up “dodgy dossier”. That is old meme from 2003, referring to the British intelligence dossier which was “sexed up” to make a case for war on Iraq.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iraq_Dossier

  • SisterArtemis

    Awesome liveblogging, Evan. I hope Lula gets a chance at Squeaky Chicken later, and pour yourself a drink, young man!

  • Ryan Denniston

    “4:01: Once more, with
    feeling, why does Carter Page not remember anything about anybody he’s
    ever met? BECAUSE TRIGGERED BY HILLARY CLINTON FOR 15 MONTHS NOW”

    Fucking snowflake. TAKE IT LIKE A MAN PAGE!!!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/39854c7f05da3f3d1330efc64aaa89d888f42937a939b21896fedd17e85e7020.gif

    • Meccalopolis

      Or, take it like a page

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Kenneth libelz!

  • mysonsam

    In answer to Evan’s question, Hell Yes!!! Do more of this!

    I start feeling like I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole some rabid bat has shit in….

  • guest1331now

    1. As the Wonkette has pointed out all along, the ‘dossier’ keeps proving pretty damn accurate when its claims can be independently verified. This continues to be the case re Page’s testimony — http://www.businessinsider.com/carter-page-congressional-testimony-transcript-steele-dossier-2017-11 — Manafort’s Ukrainian payment legal vulnerabilities (which Russians were worried would lead to the revelation of their schemes), etc. etc.

    2. For some reason, the fundamentally decent, truth-loving, and therefore Trump-hating MSM has largely refrained from speculating about the pee-tape stuff, blackmail, Trump as a Russian mole. It’s time for everyone to ask, what if Trump IS being blackmailed by PUTIN??!!?? What if POTUS is a Russian quasi-moleo??

    3. The Trumpist/GOP/facisti claims of MSM bias, witch hunts, etc., are substantially disproven by this restraint on this topic. If they were as dishonest as Faux News, Breitbart, et al., they would be harping on that possibility every day.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      None of them (other than the Drumpfer and his idiot relatives anyway) actually believes that the MSM is engaged in witch hunts or lies. It’s just the narrative they are creating to discredit the concepts of truth and fact.

      • guest1331now

        Precisely. I am also wondering why so few MSM commentators point out that Trump’s behavior is EXACTLY what it would be if he has KNOWLEDGE OF GUILT!! (sorry I shoulted oh well).

  • SullivanSt

    It’s pretty hard to follow all this crazy.

    That Budapest thing had me flipping out briefly, then I realized it was because I misremembered both the person and city involved when Michael Cohen was all “HAH! dossier DEFINITELY ALL FAKE because I ain’t never been to Prague you can’t prove that I did”

    • Meccalopolis

      Prague Budapest. What’s the difference?

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      “Never been to Prague? Sir, you’re wearing a giant kolacky as a helmet right now.”

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    moar plz

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Also, I can’t fucking wait for the independent commission hearings. (Yes, I still have faith that this will hapen)

  • puredog

    Carter Page’s testimony is a textbook case of TL;DR (full disclosure: I read it). This Washington Post paraphrase is shorter, and also too hilarious and accurate.
    https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2017/11/07/the-paranoid-carter-page-transcript-what-in-gods-name-did-i-just-read/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-e%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

  • Ya know what i get outta this? Trey and the gop are trying to make this all page’s fault only the lil guy refuses to just fall on his sword

    • anomie

      Yeah I was thinking Page is the chosen scapegoat.

      Gowdy just inherently lacks the integrity to be doing this for the right reasons,

      But you know it really is impressive what he can muster, and how he can pass as reasonably intelligent, when he needs to.

  • SullivanSt

    And he still talks to a “scholar” (probably a spy) from there, just like he still talks to Russian “scholars” (spies probably), because he is a “scholar” (the dumbest fucking spy who ever lived).

    Joseph Mifsud’s a “scholar” isn’t he? And who knows where that guy is now…

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      He’s stuck with scholars, because no gentleman would go within fifty miles of that administration.

  • SweetDeeKat

    God, Evan, you need combat pay. I’m just reading your brilliant paraphrasing and sweating at the thought of going through this.

  • Boscoe

    “I’m a scholar”

    ROFLOLOLOLOLOL

  • memzilla Ω

    This was EPIC, Evan! Moar deep document dumpster diving, plz!

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    These foreign trips… it’s like John LeCarre overdosed on Ambien and tried to write
    a spy novel/travel guide.

    • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

      Robert Ludlum’s on line 3.

      • Impatient

        When I first read the Bourne Conspiracy, I thought “what the hell is the author describing?” A vicious agent doesn’t know who he is, or what he’s doing, but he slaughters and destroys everything in his path anyway.

        Now I get it. Robert “Nostradamus” Ludlum perfectly predicted the tRump administration.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Carter Page is making Trey Gowdy look like Clarence Darrow, and isn’t that the biggest fucking surprise ever?

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Only this time, he’s DISproving evolution.

  • BMW

    Or you could just play this on a loop. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvcAfXv6R3s

  • SeeTrain65

    Was Page trying to run out the clock or something by boring everyone to death?

    • anomie

      That would be giving him way too much credit.

  • Claire

    In my recreation of these events, Trey Gowdy is sitting up there getting more and more bitter because once upon a time, in the glorious Days Before, he jousted valiantly with Hillary Clinton for eleven hours; and now he’s reduced to trying to sort out the incoherent babblings of Treason Beaker.

    https://twitter.com/chrisgeidner/status/927722420009652225

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    Guys, I think Carter Page had some childhood trauma that caused his irrational fear of dossiers. Maybe he got his balls caught in a trapper keeper?

    • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

      Ow, that would make one find a different thing to fap with.

      • Resistor Radio

        Does anything dude has said lead you to think he’s smart enough to make that leap?

        • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

          That’d be a “no.”

    • phoenix00

      Maybe one smacked him on the face?

      https://youtu.be/Kr6Ze1Ur3ms?t=1m24s

  • Yep. Like John Oliver described it, “Stupid Watergate”.

  • Impatient

    (Just commenting after reading the beginning of the naughty bits of conversation. Will get back to it, after foods. I can’t really concentrate on much more than bits over the past year, ’cause I’m all pissed off and up everyone’s! Excuses.)

    Gotta say, just reading the excerpts of Gowdy’s questioning, it has an unusual effect on me. Turns out that Gowdy CAN actually think and reason quite normally and well. Which makes me many (MANY!) times more furious with this bleached out cocksucker. ‘Cause it’s just all the more obvious what a calculating, vicious bastard Gowdy is!

    Sooooo… a big shout-out to every fucking individual calculating bastard who helped create and sustain this shit-show. Burn in a “vote-fueled” hell.

  • Jesse

    TREY GOWDY POD PERSON!!! There’s no way that was the real McDerp.

  • Sophie McMillan

    Big thx for document diving on our behalf. Moar document diving g pleeze

  • DuchessD’Orleans

    Wait, did Congress page Doctor Page to talk about doctored pages?

  • Major_Major_Major

    I think the most important takeaway is that you ordered pizza halfway through. Was it Papa John’s? Did it have pineapple on it? Canned clams? Don’t try to cop out by pleading the 5th, Evan. We want to know. WE. DESERVE. TO. KNOW!!!!

    • sarafina

      I asked that also, with no reply.

      ANSWER THE QUESTION, EVAN!!!!!!

      • Major_Major_Major

        His silence may well be the answer.

  • Zyxomma

    I was going to comment, but now I can’t recall ….

  • RugzYaBurnt

    “I like to understand the other person’s point of view *and* their viewpoint! Did I mention I’m a scholar?”

    Seriously, what fucking diploma mill from hell did this man print out his doctorate from?

    • george lastrapes

      London University (?) says Wikipedia. Legit institution, I suppose, but one is reminded of Gorka’s dodgy PhD from Corvinus in Budapest.
      Are their PhDs in fact ‘legends’ meant to enable them to penetrate think tanks, plausibly enter a presidential administration, perhaps?
      Are there others similarly qualified?

  • Deborah Ujevich

    I wish they would have really explored those insights he got from watching Russian TV. He probably now knows the whereabouts of Moose & Squirrel, and it’s like they don’t even care.

    • george lastrapes

      Hmmmm. Repetitive behavior, fascination with details, inappropriate affect- frontal-lobe dementia?

      • sarafina

        Autism spectrum? He seems to have impressive credentials on paper.

        • george lastrapes

          I don’t think he could have done well in the navy and at the university if he was then as squirelly as he is now. That makes me think that he’s getting worse, whatever he’s got; or faking it.
          I also wonder if Putin has been cultivating him for years, or for years and years.

  • arundel

    This was epic and entertaining, thanks Evan. The roubles are in the mail.

    • Moar Wordz

      Totally epic and A LOT of heavy lifting

  • hvdv

    Thank you bigly for doing the heavy lifting.

  • anomie

    “You would enjoy having him as your waffle buddy, admit it.”

    I couldn’t stop laughing at this line. Still laughing. I need it.

  • Heyzeus Ahchay

    Wow — do you get the rest of the month off?

  • Moar Wordz

    ” To the best of my recollection, no. ”
    Me no remember : ( ” Yes, I did urge others to use encrypted communications. ” )
    I encrypt my cell, it doesn’t work for shit.

  • george lastrapes

    We must now ask the question:
    What does the President claim not to know, and how in God’s name could he not know it?

  • dshwa

    I don’t know that you have standing to assert it on behalf of the Trump campaign or American democracy.

    Even Gowdy was throwing legit shade. What fresh hell is this?

    • Petunia Cat

      Carter Page testifying is Gowdy’s karmic punishment for all his Benghazi-ing.

      • dshwa

        Gowdy actually asked real questions, like a real independent brain and not a talking rightwing stooge. I am confused, though not as confused as Carter Page.

        • Beaufighter

          How far down the rabbit hole does someone have to fall before they make Gowdy look rational and sane?

          • sarafina

            It looks like Gowdy can step away from his role as ignorant stooge. Too litttle, too late. How soon can his ass be kicked to the curb?

    • Claire

      I know, right? I wanted to call his office and ask if they were positive he hadn’t been replaced by an actual human being.

  • Petunia Cat

    Oh my God, I almost killed myself laughing! Out loud, with a little shrieks at the end. 😁 But I only got to just before Sam Clovis appears. Maybe I’ll read the rest later. Maybe we don’t need to laugh our asses off at Carter Page’s weird ramblings now that the Dems won in Virginia. Anyway good night. 🌃 And thank you, Even.

  • Long Twitter thread by Seth Abrahamson listing 28 “bombshells” in Page’s testimony
    https://twitter.com/SethAbramson/status/927999713714081799

  • Deborah Ujevich

    I recall that something in the not-dodgy dossier referred to a Bulgarian “bolt hole” where some of the Russian oper

  • He must be trying to set up some kind of inadequate legal representation plea or maybe an insanity defense?

    • george lastrapes

      Inanity defense.

  • NotReallyHere
  • Lil’Evil

    This is like reading the testimony of a paranoid person on the verge of a break. The man is not smart and paranoid.

    Good lord that was infuriating. I wanna read the entire thing but I am not sure I am willing.

    • Petunia Cat

      When reading that I pictured him as a sweaty, twitchy coked up guy. And also as a Ratso Rizzo from Midnight Cowboy.

      • Lil’Evil

        For me it was Kelso that somehow got an education.

    • Eric Mory

      He sounds like a kid that traded all his ADHD meds for meth.

  • NotConvinced
  • NotConvinced
  • SDGeoff3

    He’s really nuts.

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