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Trix, Shy and friends

YOU GUYS! We are sitting in Zion National Park for TWO DAYS, and goddammit, my mobile hot spot works here! No vacation days for me, AGAIN, on my “half-vacation.” (It’s okay. I had one full vacation day in Santa Barbara. And if you ask the kids, I had “more” than that, if you count up all the half-days. So you know what? DON’T ASK THEM!) But don’t worry, I will ditch your ass this afternoon, saddle up Shy and the baby for a Zion national hike, and make Evan, Dok, Robyn and $5F do ALL MY WORK.

In the meantime! We have finally figured out “what is today” and “how far are we from Salt Lake,” and “Bryce Canyon is an hour and 22 minutes away? GOIN THERE NEXT,” and settled on some dates for the final stops on our 2017 Wonkette Beach Bum World Tour (Check Local Listings, ‘World’ May Not Apply)!

Salt Lake City, coming to ya Thurs., Nov. 9! Salt Lake Pizza and Pasta aka Fiddler’s Elbow, 6 p.m. to ???!

Pocatello, we will be in you Fri., Nov. 10! Portneuf Valley Brewing, 615 S 1st Ave, 6-8 p.m.

Helena, Montana, how’s Sat., Nov. 11 sound to all y’all? It sounds mighty fine to us! Lucky bastards, getting a Saturday night. Let’s meet up at the Windbag Saloon, say at 5 p.m.!

Boise, Eugene, Sacramento, Sonoma, Avila Beach, SB, LA, Orange County, San Diego and Big Bear, we miss you dears already. In the immortal words of Michelle Shocked, “Leroy says send a picture. Leroy says hello. Leroy says, aw, keep on rocking.”

Wonkette is ad-free and supported solely by Readers Like You! Click to support our pizzas and beer and Zion hiking trips! And the other things we give to you, like “sanity.” Thank you for reading Wonkette. We love you.

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  • Reximus
    • bbayliss

      at least his mouth is closed.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Worst Kwisatz Haderach ever.

    • SeeTrain65

      I thought that was it’s anus.

    • calliecallie

      That is really horrifying.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Fuck Pocafello. What, Korean DMZ too sensitive for you Libtards to visit? Gotta partaaay, like there’s no tomorrow!
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e208eb80ecdbe0af50748efedb39e616cb734ff7c92d336841d034e6e1ec5922.jpg

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      There are signs every 10m on the fenceline saying “No Picture.” Some day, some ROK soldier is gonna snap.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I’m worried this means we are all automatically going to jail in North Korea next time we visit.

      • Maggielle

        Nicely done.

    • goonemeritus

      Who has the crappy job of mowing all the grass in the DMZ minefield?

      • Gayer Than Thou

        People who couldn’t get hired as Spinal Tap drummers.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Been there, done that.

  • Jeffocaster in the East

    Aw phooey. Listen Idaho, this ain’t small potatoes!

  • mrFawkes

    How many wifes can I bring to the Wonkette Beach Bum World Tour?
    Asking for one of my wifes. She made deviled eggs.

    • A LITtle Annoyed, Yet ARoused

      They can all come if they bring Mor munchies

  • CindyinEncinitas

    Has Leroy seen Brad? I can’t find him and he owes me five bucks.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I haven’t seen or heard from Brad for quite some time.

      • PubOption

        Brad was totalled.

  • dslindc

    So many places in the so-called “Mountain Time Zone”, which is not a thing.

  • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

    Check local listings, ‘world’ may not apply

    That fucker really is going to start nuclear war before the midterms, isn’t he. Well, at least the West Coast Wonkers can share some quality camaraderie and inebriation and those cakes we like. With you in spirit while I shop for some popcorn and crank up the R.E.M.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY

  • goonemeritus

    Don’t forget to scream “aloo akbar” when you arrive in Boise.

    • God Emperor Emeritus

      What do potatoes and the Admiral have to do with Boise?

      • Oblios_Cap

        They’re both tarps?

    • Lordpnut

      Loot goober.

  • Mr. Blobfish
    • Oblios_Cap

      Is Trump wearing his pants really high on his waist like a senile old dotard?

      • Mr. Blobfish

        Ugh, this guy. BUTTON YER GADDAM JACKET, YOU DUNCE. He owns two blue suits and four (4) ties, which he has not learned to tie properly yet after 70 FUCKING YEARS! AND DON’T TUCK YOUR PANTS UP UNDER YER ARMPITS! Sorry. Just so many suit pet peeves on one man.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Is that Rexxon molesting Abe’s wife on the right (in the shadows)?

        • God Emperor Emeritus

          It really is a testament to the degree to which this guy surrounds himself with yes-men.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Ayup.

      • SeeTrain65

        “I’ll flip you like a cheese omelette!”
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNEmGAIl4d8

    • Shan

      They’re both idiots for doing that.

  • Weird Fishes

    FINE, geez, won’t ask then.

  • Joe Beese

    SLC reporting: I plan to have my ashes scattered in the Hires Big H parking lot. (Convenient to downtown and tasty burgers. I will induct you into the ways of fry sauce.)

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Explain this “fry sauce”, please.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        (Watch this.)

        It’s ketchup mixed with mayonnaise.

        • Arolpin

          AKA Mormon Hot Sauce.

          • Oblios_Cap

            Sounds sinful!

          • MynameisBlarney

            I found this

            https://www.eater.com/2016/8/6/12054512/fry-sauce-utah-condiment

            “Some may mistake fry sauce for Thousand Island, which is built on a
            mayonnaise base and a tangy flavor brought on by Tabasco, Worcestershire
            sauce, or chili spices, enhanced by a slew of minced pickles, onions,
            olives, and bell peppers. But fry sauce keeps it light with it’s smooth
            consistency and rare incorporation of minced additives, as compared to
            Thousand Island, which is heavy and laden with ingredients.”

            My god, these people consider anything that isn’t Wonderbread to be extremely decadent.

          • Oblios_Cap

            I’m eating hot wings as I read…

          • MynameisBlarney

            Also, having worked in at least a 1/2 dozen restaurants over the years and having to make the salad dressing in most of them.
            I don’t ever recall using Tabasco, chili spices or olives for any 1000 Island recipe.
            Mayo, Ketchup, lime or lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, and relish is about it IIRC.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Ugh.
          And I thought Ranch dressing was an abomination.

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            You were right to think that.

          • Shan

            Hey!

          • Oblios_Cap

            I’m sure it would just fine with any salad that you tossed.

          • Shanzgood

            I don’t put it on salads, just use it to dip junk food in, like fries or chicken nuggets.

          • MynameisBlarney

            I used to get blackened chicken salads with ranch.
            And bacon.
            Because the blackened seasoning and the bacon squeezins mix really well with ranch.

          • SeeTrain65

            Very good with mashed potatoes, too, which I season liberally with salt and pepper, and add butter and sour cream. You could also add crumbled bacon, chives or whatever suits you.

        • Shan

          I put ketchup, mayo, AND mustard on my burgers.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Just Dijon for me.

          • Shanzgood

            Elitist snob!

        • PubOption

          American/Belgian hybrid?

    • Scooby

      Other than that and Funeral Potatoes is there an other Utah dish?

      • Shanzgood

        Creamed corn casserole.

        • Scooby

          Isnt that a Youporn fetish?

          • Shanzgood

            Uhhhh…I haven’t looked lately.

          • SeeTrain65

            No peeking.

        • SeeTrain65

          We’ll be swimming in it come Thanksgiving.

          • Shanzgood

            You are very bad!

          • SeeTrain65

            I said below, “No peeking!”

          • Shanzgood

            I didn’t peek at anything but this page!

          • SeeTrain65

            And you still found me out. ; )

      • Arolpin

        Jell-o salad.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Just about any combination of Jello and Cool Whip (or mayonnaise.)

  • Oblios_Cap

    I see the National Embarrassment is trying to incite WWIII again today…

    • elviouslyqueer

      Day ending in -y, darling.

    • God Emperor Emeritus

      I can’t even imagine how badly any war would go with Mango Menace in charge. We’d probably kick it off by attacking someplace like New Zealand, because they said something mean about 45 at the UN.

  • Ryan Denniston

    As long as you’re in the area, can you look into this “Mountain Time” thing I hear rumors about?

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Is that Chloe Sevigny whose dirty pillows are showing?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Generally.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I hear that she’s the coolest girl in the world. Not sure I believe it, though.

      • Impatient

        Didn’t she play an insecure trans assassin? Pretty cool.

        (Beg pardons if I’ve used wrong words. I iz still learning.)

  • SeeTrain65

    I’d like to amend my longtime advice to Future Wonkette World Tours:

    Please do come to Central Ohio.

    Not for me, because it very likely I won’t be able to show up, but for all the Wonkers around here (and apparently we have some pretty good numbers) who’d just love to share a drink, some pizza (or chicken wings or the sausages from Schmidt’s — believe me, you will not be sorry) and a few stories with Trix and Shy and especially Donna Rose. (Warning: Cheeks will be pinched, kisses will rain from the heavens.)

    Just not on football Saturdays, and not around campus. Ever seen the part of “The Day After” following the nuclear attack? That’s every weekend at the bars, with more police and more vomiting.

    (This message brought to you courtesy of no one but me, your very own, ST.)

    • Shan

      Pittsburgh isn’t that far, either.

      • Oblios_Cap

        I guess that the Florida Gulf Coast is a bridge too far, though…

        • Shanzgood

          I would go that far on my way to take a cruise with baconz…

          • Oblios_Cap

            We usually hit Altoona (who made the paper here this weekend – the “Fingerprinting is the Mark of the Beast” case up there) to visit Ms. Oblio’s peeps every year or two. The family has a hunting camp we stay at up near Whipple’s Dam.

          • Shanzgood

            OOoh! Baconz loves camping! I think it’s the hatchets and fires mostly. (Kidding, he was in the Scouts for ages, so he really knows what he’s doing.)

          • Oblios_Cap

            This is a “house”, built from scratch over the years, with a kitchen, rudimentary bathroom (you can take a shower), and a large wood burning stove and a bunch of beds. A true hunting camp, complete with outside fire pit and rifle pit. No TV; bring your own music.

          • Shanzgood

            Sounds cozy!

      • SeeTrain65

        “The Wonkette/Big Ten/AFC North Tour.”

    • Doug Langley

      Seconded!

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      “Ever seen the part of “The Day After” following the nuclear attack? That’s every weekend at the bars”

      Sounds like post-any game in Wrigleyville.

      • SeeTrain65

        Michigan week is coming soon. The game is at Ann Arbor this year, but by Saturday night, there will be a large police presence, at least two platoons of the Ohio National Guard, and by 8 p.m., there will be least four cheap sofas burning on High Street at one time.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          All right, maybe the part about the National Guard isn’t true.

          I totally believed it was.

          • SeeTrain65

            Mentioning “National Guard” and “Ohio” is a unique method of bringing a flood of the most horrible memories to the fore.

      • Impatient

        Taking your comment out of context and seriously, I watched that after leaving the Navy, having pushed missiles around the Atlantic (so all the “Go Blues” could blithely get shitfaced in peace). Ads actually warned, “Don’t watch this alone,” but I figured, hey, I know all about this silly MAD game, so I’m cool. Yeah, sure. Beginning of the second half/evening, I was floored and depressed. Picture of “absolutely NO HOPE.” OMG!

        I don’t know that they’ve ever re-run that show. Frankly, I hope not. Too many razor blades still in circulation.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          I remember watching it on TV as a kid! And I remember it being scary. (I mostly remember wondering why the hell the teenage girl was bleeding in her lap, seriously).

          Just watched it again on DVD recently – scarier as an adult.

          • Impatient

            Strange, unbelievable and scary, I very much agree. (Thank you.)

            Don’t think I’d watch it again. Even watching the old “On the Beach” a few years ago, I went from thinking, what a quaint little movie about a pretend submarine, to again, OMG, they’re passing out ‘pills’ because it’s hopeless. Beautiful scenery down under, still perfectly healthy people, and these characters realize that it is absolutely hopeless.

            Sorry to go on, but right out of the Navy, I guess the first Terminator movie had just come out. Watching that opening scene, of silent flashes through the clouds far below, I clearly remember thinking, “what the hell are they doing?” This is horrible. This is sacrilege, to make a movie scene of this. And now, here we are, Donnie-Kimming along in our new world. Motherfuckers! And so ….

            Bunnies, kittens, baby hippos, even pink unicorns will do.

            (BTW, a couple times I saw, “someone’s typing,” and I’m very glad my fear didn’t come true, that someone would say, “Oh, you bad military people are making these bad things happen.” We all have let this happen. Fini. Shutting the fuck up.)

    • BadKitty904
    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Preferably not below the Mason-Dixon – er, I-70 tho. If you can help it. But hells yeah, I’d do my darnedest to drive south for that, maybe even bring my grown-up kidling along for the ride. If its announced far enough in advance – I tend to book three months out (seriously).

      • SeeTrain65

        Schmidt’s isn’t that far below the line (though it’s hardly “enemy territory,” it’s German Village, a very nice area of Columbus), and even further south there’s the Thurman Cafe that sells “The Thurman Burger,” an enormous cheeseburger too big to eat with two hands, plus another special order called “The Thurmanator,” that is basically a meal for a family.

        During my adventurous periods, I’ve had the first burger. I needed a knife and fork and could only finish half. If I’d had a friend with me, I’d likely have finished it.

        • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

          Yeah I realized after I posted that I ruled out half of Columbus plus (if memory serves) Yellow Springs AND Athens, neither of which are complete moran breeding grounds just *yet*! (However, five minutes outside either one..)

          • SeeTrain65

            I’ve seen some stupidity in Powell (tiny affluent village north of Columbus) that would make your head spin.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Lots of purdy’ countryside round’ that area of Idaho. And just a short drive from Pocatello to Yellowstone.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aC0r3P1dB1M

    • Oblios_Cap

      True fact, – If you play that backwards, it’s a George Clooney / Cheech Marin movie.

    • shastakoala

      The wind blows constantly in Pocatello. A good place to wear a hat.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    We here in TrackTown miss you and Her Serene Highness Donna Rose, too, ‘Trix!

    (OK, and the dude that drives her car, Shypixel)

    Hey, you people in those places, DO NOT MISS your chance to see present and future greatness IN PERSON!

    • rosenbomb

      Seconded. Boise drinky thing was tons of fun and I wish it was happening again soon!

      • 52camellias

        SB misses the Wonks as well. A very lovely evening in the beach.

  • weejee
  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    i find it odd katie holmes would do a show about unusual religious marriages.

    Also, i won’t beg that we have a drinkey thing in my part of texas, I’d be the only one there. BUT we’re near a major highway, so if you’re passing through, give me a shout. I can show our intrepid travellers some good mexican food and a beer or three.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      I would have skipped marrying the other two women and just clone Chloe Sevigny twice.

      • Impatient

        Have to respectfully (and very intellectually) disagree. Only one character in that pic is less … striking. And he may do it for lots of other Yr Wonketteers anyway.

        Sooo … Edatrix, please consider not running that photo again. You know not what you do.

      • Kooolest G

        my niece PAed in the costume dept on that show. apparently jeanne tripplehorn always wanted nicer clothes that were more flattering (hard getting older as an actress) chloe sevigny was full on method acting and wanted the clothes to look more polygamish and ginnifer goodwin was just giggly and delightful the whole time and didn’t care what she wore.

        • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

          Ha! I recall reading years ago that Sevigny requested frumpier clothing for her part. She could wear a potato sack and I’d still be smitten. I can also see Tripplehorn’s character having the better wardrobe because she was the first wife and considered by the other wives (Or maybe it just Nicki) as the “Boss Lady”. :P

          • Impatient

            On the other hand, Tripplehorn may also have been playing the archetypal “earth mother.” (Only watched bits of a few shows.) Dressing upscale might not fit?

    • TakingAmes

      That’s Ginnifer Goodwin, Tacos.

  • marxalot

    Do not miss your chance to hang out with the Wonk tactical nuclear and extended family! We had a very good time in Vegas despite it being windy as fuck! Also my dog spent the entire time staring at this one pigeon, it was pretty great all around.

    • Shanzgood

      Do you know if that one pigeon will be there again?

  • NerdWithNoName

    Put on your rattiest sneakers with no socks, roll up your pants and take a hike in the Virgin River (if it’s warm enough). The hike up thru the canyon is not to be believed. Check the flash flood warning sign first, if the river rises there is no place hide.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Were I a younger man, I’d put on a tie-dye, buy myself a microbus and become a Wonkhead for their 2017 tour.

    • (((Aron)))

      Is this one of those Jefferson Airplanes I’ve heard so much about?

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    I barely know a tello!

  • Ωbjectifier

    Zion, eh? You must get the sweet potato tamales at the Bit and Spur in Springdale.

    • rebecca

      you are the third wonker who said so!!!

  • Lordpnut

    It warms my capitalist heart to hear about corporate overlords relaxing in desert beauty while their indentured slaves grind out the goods.
    Damepnut and I would love to make the pilgrimage from Idaho Falls to conspire with you and your minions. We are mostly homebodies, but such golden opportunities to meet someone worth meeting are few and far between. When Bernie Sanders played a gig at the local high school, we had to wait for hours in the blistering morning wind just to get in the door, and WE LIKED IT THAT WAY!
    Will Dok be there? He is my hero, and I feel a moral imperative to meet him in person before I shuffle off this mortal coil. That would seal the deal.
    I’ll check back for details.

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    Awww… you could have gone to Livingston on Saturday night and lived that song from Rancho Deluxe.

  • proudgrampa

    Hey! Have you guys made a decision, Rebecca?

    Forecast shows Thursday is going to be warmest day of the week (high of 61). Were you thinking about an outside venue like a park or something?

    • Nice Marmot

      NWS has it at 59 at the airport. But by 6p.m. it will drop below 50. Squatter’s is large and has good pizza.

      • proudgrampa

        I’m liking this idea more and more…

    • Nice Marmot

      Liberty Park has fire-pits and lit pagodas. But Sugarhouse Park has the same in a better neighborhood with close proximity to a liquor store. Either way, you will be cold in back and warm on the side facing the fire.

      • proudgrampa

        Hey, Nice! Squatter’s or the parks are good ideas.

        Would there be a need for a permit or something for the parks?

      • rebecca

        can we drink at the parks? I would assume not, no?

  • (((Aron)))

    Ding dong, ding dong yo!

  • colonelangus007

    Hey – while y’all are in Utah, stop by the Bank of Utah and ask them about how all them out of town ferners were able to register their big jet aeroplanes as in town mericans can – and take pictures. Thanks

    • Nice Marmot

      Utah is the financial fraud leader in America.

      • proudgrampa

        I did not know that!

  • Opiwan

    So I’m guessing Baltimore, MD, is a bit too far off the planned route for a visit? I has a sadz

  • psychobroad

    ‘Trix, Shy looks like the best husband in the world, second only to Mr. Broad. Y’all seem like such a great match, Molotov! (Yeah, I know you’re coming up on your 2d or 3d anniversary, sue me!)

    • rebecca

      third! now we can get divorced and not be embarrassed! :D

  • phoenix00
    • Joe Monte

      LOVE that song!

  • Joe Monte

    Philly?

  • Serephin

    From a local: If you’re coming to Pocatello, may I suggest you have your shindig at Buddy’s Italian Restaurant, 626 E Lewis St. You can’t leave Poky (our city’s nickname) without experiencing Buddy’s breath. Their garlic salad is damn near world famous, and they have great pizza and pasta. And don’t forget to stop at Main Steam Coffee & Desserts at 234 N. Main Street in Old Town Pocatello for java and noshes.

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