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Oh golly gee, Sean Hannity had a grown-up reaction to Monday’s news about how the indictments and confessions are starting among his beloved Trumpers. KIDDING, OF COURSE. Hannity stuffed himself full of all the Trump-shaped buttplugs he owns (seven of them, ALLEGEDLY) and declared his monologue Monday evening “one of the most important I will ever deliver,” and if you watch this whole thing and you actually agree with Sean Hannity, you are hereafter required to wear a helmet at all times, for your own dumb protection.

Let’s take a lookie! Hell, if you want to watch the whole show (and why wouldn’t you?) you can park your tuchus in this post right here, because here’s a video!

Now we will liveblog the monologue, as if it were happening RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK:

0:00-1:00: We have a MAJOR CRISIS in America, because there is one justice system for the Clintons and a whole different for everybody else. This is just obviously true.

1:00: Hannity has INCONTROVERTIBLE EVIDENCE that Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton and Robert Mueller and Rod Rosenstein and Eric Holder all LITERALLY EMAILED ALL OUR URANIUM TO RUSSIA. And Obama knowed it! Instead of watching that, why not watch MSNBC’s Joy Reid completely destroying this made-up story on her show this weekend instead? All she had to do was ask a Washington Examiner idiot some fact-based questions, rapid-fire style:

ANY QUESTIONS, SEAN HANNITY?

2:30: The Paul Manafort indictment isn’t about Russia or the Trump campaign, therefore Robert Mueller doesn’t have any evidence of collusion. Don’t pay any attention to the OTHER news that came out Monday, about that kid George Papadopoulos, who worked on the Trump campaign and colluded with RUSSIA.

3:40: It is not fair that the grand jury was in Washington DC, because have you heard about the people who live there? Sean Hannity’s not saying they’re black, he’s just dogwhistling it for his viewers.

4:45: OK OK OK, George Papadopoulos lied to the FBI, but he was ONLY A 29-YEAR-OLD BABY AT THE TIME!

It’s just like how it wasn’t Donald Trump Jr.’s fault he colluded with the Russians, because he’s a VERY GOOD BOY, according to his father. A VERY GOOD 39-YEAR-OLD BOY.

Also Sean Hannity has never met George Papadopoulos, therefore he does not exist.

5:05: WHAT DID “PRESIDENT CLINTON” KNOW ABOUT THE URANIUM ONE SCANDAL?

No really, he called Hillary “President Clinton.” To be fair, one of his producers probably buzzed one of the buttplugs in his Hannity Hole, because he immediately corrected himself and said, “PRESIDENT CLINTON WANNABE!” It was a very good Fox News journalism moment.

5:05-THE LITERAL END OF TIME: Hannity spent most of the rest of his monologue talking about the fake news Uranium One “scandal.” It is such hilarious bullshit, and everyone knows it. This is why “FEW IN THE MEDIA WILL TOUCH THIS STORY,” as Hannity bitches. (See: Joy Reid video above.) Hannity also cried a bunch about the Steele Dossier, because he really cares who paid for the dossier, even though IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO PAID FOR THE FUCKING DOSSIER, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. All that matters is if it’s true, and none of it has been debunked!

On Twitter, Igor Bobic from the Huffington Post collected screenshots of all the laws Hillary and Obama may have “broken”:

WHOA IF TRUE! LOCK HER UP!

10:50: Sean Hannity literally says Robert Mueller is conducting his Trump-Russia investigation to distract America from WATCHING SEAN HANNITY:

… [t]he issue of Robert Mueller, trying to change the narrative to distract from the REAL Russia collusion and massive cover-ups. Don’t think this is a coincidence! Last week right here on this program we had stunning revelation after stunning revelation day after day about Hillary Clinton, Uranium One, the fake news dossier, and that special counsel Mueller is CLEARLY complicit in the Uranium One scandal. Remember, he was the FBI director! The FBI informant! Had all the evidence of bribes and kickbacks and money laundering and he did nothing!

So now, they need to change the narrative after a very bad week and distract the country from their evidence and their involvement and possible collusion.

And by the way, Mr. Mueller. Who leaked the indictments to Fake News CNN? WAS IT YOU?

And then Sean Hannity broke his own dick off with his meat hands and ate it for his octogenarian viewers’ pleasure!

That’s about all the monologue we can handle, kids.

But it wasn’t just the monologue! Thanks to nice people on Twitter who watched Hannity instead of doing the normal thing and lazily watching Rachel Maddow while cooking dinner like a common Wonkette, we have highlights like this:

It was just a very good episode of the Sean Hannity TV program, and we feel sorry for whoever had to bleach his Fox News studio of poop stains afterward. That person deserves a RAISE.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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