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Bill O’Reilly has said many stupid things ever since the New York Times revealed he had spent $32 million of his lunch money to settle yet another sexual harassment case. According to NYT, BillO sent Lis Wiehl, a former Fox News analyst, “gay pornography” and had a “nonconsensual sexual relationship” with her, and his Fox News bosses were so mad about it they renewed his contract and gave him a raise. O’Reilly says it’s a bunch of lies, just like THE MULTITUDES OF GROSS ALLEGATIONS against O’Reilly are also lies. Wonkette would simply note again that $32 MILLION IS A LOT OF MONEY FOR A BUNCH OF LIES.

But O’Reilly knows whose fault all this is, and it is God’s. How dare Almighty God grab Bill O’Reilly’s penis and yank it toward temptation? Yea, though Bill O’Reilly walks through the shadow of death, he will fear no evil, OH NO GOD’S GOT HIS PEENER IN A HEADLOCK AGAIN:

“You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said on the latest episode of his web series, “No Spin News.” “I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn’t happen. I can’t explain it to you. Yeah, I’m mad at him.”

GRRRR GOD! And to think just a few years ago that O’Reilly was decidedly happy with God, because if there was no God, how da moon get dere?

O’Reilly added that if he dies tomorrow and gets to meet The New York Times in heaven (LOL Bill O’Reilly is never going to heaven), he has a question. Or maybe “you guys” is what he calls God. Just read this fucking quote, we don’t know what it means:

“If I die tomorrow and I get an opportunity, I’ll say, ‘Why’d you guys work me over like that? Didn’t [you] know my children were going to be punished? And they’re innocent'” …

His poor children! We assume he’s including his damned dirty liar (not a liar) daughter who said she “witnessed her father dragging [her mother] down a staircase by her neck, apparently unaware that [she] was watching.”

SPEAKING OF THINKING OF THE CHILDREN! Bill O’Reilly is also thinking of former Fox host Eric Bolling’s children. You see, Bolling was also canned from Fox News over sexual harassment allegations. Tragically, just after that, Bolling’s 19-year-old son died. So of course, in an interview with the New York Times podcast “The Daily,” O’Reilly said this:

“I urge you to think about what you put in your newspaper,” he told the Times. “Eric Bolling’s son is dead. He’s dead because of allegations made — in my opinion and I know this to be true — against Mr. Bolling.”

Oh fuck off, O’Reilly. That was Bolling’s response to O’Reilly, but he said it nicer:

For the record, O’Reilly apologized to Bolling. He made excuses while he was apologizing, because he’s a total shit, but he apologized.

Let’s see, what else? Has God grabbed Bill O’Reilly’s dick and jammed it in Bill O’Reilly’s eye any other times in the past day? Duh.

Monday morning, Megyn Kelly used her usually shitty talk show to have a serious moment. Responding to a statement from O’Reilly that NOBODY IN HIS ENTIRE CAREER had EVER filed a complaint against his gross penis, Kelly said, well actually that’s not true, because she had complained. Watch her tell the story of emailing Fox News brass about O’Reilly in 2016, and not only having them do nothing about it, but apparently green lighting him to attack Fox News sexual harassment victims on his show that very night:

Kelly also spent a significant portion of her show interviewing another O’Reilly accuser, Juliet Huddy.

In response to Kelly’s comments (WATCH THEM), O’Reilly went on the Glenn Beck Radio Show and said bitches be lyin’ again, like they always do. Was God attacking him, by speaking through Megyn Kelly? Probably:

“In fact, when she was getting hammered earlier this year, I wrote a column sticking up for her,” he said. “I don’t know why Megyn Kelly is doing what she’s doing. I don’t know why. I’ve helped her dramatically in her career.”

YEAH. And when you help a pretty lady in her career, you’re supposed to be able to get away with sexually harassing her, and all women, right? Isn’t that the Harvey Weinstein rule? Because he’s saying it now, and he also said it to Lis Wiehl, according to the New York Times!

Also, O’Reilly has proof Kelly is lying, because one time she sent him a thank-you note, and another time she sent him a different thank-you note. Do women who are being sexually harassed by powerful men in toxic workplaces ever send thank-you notes? Not according to any Emily Post book BillO has ever read!

The first is a note thanking him for his presence at her baby shower in 2009. “What a class act you are,” she wrote, adding, “You’ve become a dear friend and I am grateful to have you in my life.”

The second note thanks O’Reilly for mentioning the latest book by her husband, Doug Brunt, on his program. She wrote: “I appreciate how supportive you have been of me here [at Fox]. You are a true friend and mentor.”

Nothing in there about God taking control of Bill O’Reilly’s penis and shouting in his thunderous God voice, “Fuck it, we’ll do it live! With this here penis!”

The point is Bill O’Reilly has absolved Bill O’Reilly of all his alleged sex crimes. And if that doesn’t settle the issue, he might pay you $32 million to stop saying otherwise!

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[CNN / Washington Post]

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  • BreakingDeadMen

    Sexual Harassment, how does that work?

    • ArgieBargie

      Penis goes in, lawsuit comes out. Never a miscommunication.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Nice.

  • Asterix

    And the people who still support him (like my Mom) feel sorry for him and do not believe the LIES that are told about him. She never saw any bad behavior on tv, so none of this is true.

    No, she’s not ready for the home… yet.

    • Have you sent her the “Fuck it! We’ll do it live!” clip yet?

      • Mark Lungo

        And then he had a meltdown over such a trivial problem. Who knows what other horrible things he said/did when the cameras were off? (Besides everything discussed in this article, of course.)

  • memzilla Ω

    BREAKING: O’Reilly’s Penis Files for Divorce, Brings Defamation Lawsuit
    “Not Mad, Just Terribly Terribly Disappointed,” Says Noted Dick to Press

  • Creepoman

    Let’s see – Bill O’Riley, Megyn Kelly, AND Eric Bolling are all super sad?
    Let me be the first to scream Yahtzee!!

    • Mark Lungo

      Well,I feel sorry for Bolling because of his son. The other two,not so much.

  • OrG

    Yeah bill-o? God’$ mad at you too.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Personal responsibility for thee, not for me eh Bill?

    • Khavrinen

      What, is he a Republican or something?

  • Scooby

    So, I guess he’s not going to be saying “Merry Christmas” anymore.

    • BearGHAZI

      Regardless, I will send the usual Christmas falafel to his home address

      • Scooby

        Send me one too!

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    It’s tough duty, being reminded that Bill O’Reilly has a penis, but I do it for Wonkette.

  • Daniel

    “In fact, when she was getting hammered earlier this year, I wrote a column sticking up for her,” he said. “I don’t know why Megyn Kelly is doing what she’s doing. I don’t know why. I’ve helped her dramatically in her career.”

    I’m sure O’Reilly would take it as a compliment if I were to tell him that he sounds not just presidential here, but modern presidential.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Angry at him, eh? Since when is that even allowed?

  • laughingnome

    Say, you know who else lost his job and got mad at God?

  • jesterpunk

    “You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said on the latest episode of his web series, “No Spin News.” “I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn’t happen. I can’t explain it to you. Yeah, I’m mad at him.”

    I see BillO is taking personal responsibility for his actions.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    If there were an actual God, I’d think it would be able to figure out a better way to punish BillO for his rapiness than just letting people know about his rapiness. THat seems like pretty light potatoes… Or maybe God is just a lying bitch too…

    • Sort of like when Job is all praise god, so god is like lets test him, so he gets satan or an angel or whatever to make his life a living hell, and satan or the angel is like WTF dude, so god punishes the angel and punishes Job as well, and then, when Job is like WTF god, god is like you loose and sends him to hell… or something like that drunken bible stories and all that jazz.

      • Daniel

        This version is the Book of Jobless.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Ya. Like that. And then publicize THAT part of the immortal fucking-over, not just that he got caught being rapey. God is losing his touch… Maybe becoming a soft urban Liberal…

        • Caepan

          Nah – that’s his kid. His mother and stepfather sent him off to rabbi school and he came back for Passover with long hair and saying, “Love your neighbor” and “Blessed are the meek” and all that Commie crap. Then he turned the matzo into his own flesh, and the Mogen David into blood! Completely ruined the seder.

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    Bill O’Reilly is humiliated and got fired, Megan Kelly is stinking up NBC, Roger Ailes is dead—I’m pretty mad at God too. Why couldn’t he have let Fox News implode before they could help get Trump elected??
    THANKS GOD

  • ArgieBargie

    “If I die tomorrow and I get an opportunity…”

    Tomorrow is not soon enough, asshole. Fuck you and the sanctimonious bullshit we keep getting from you and the whole “Moral Majority,” who had absolutely no problem with putting your fellow unrepentant sexual predator in the White House.

    • doktorzoom

      Please review the rules. We don’t wish death/mayhem/violence on anyone, not even Billo, and not even when he serves up a line that seems designed to test the resolve of Wonkette readers to follow our rules.

      — Dok Zoom, Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator

      • ArgieBargie

        My sincere apologies. I got carried away, when I usually know better.

        • doktorzoom

          N harm, no foul. This will not go on YOUR PERMANENT RECORD

  • Blackest Noobs

    So O’Reilly, being the expert on God and the Bible as such, does know God totally fucked over Job because of a bet between him and the Devil, and God let Job’s entire family get wiped the fuck out….and no i don’t mean they died of shame, they died horribly, so if this same God could do that to Job, who as far as i know, wasn’t some asshole pussy grabber, but maybe he was, who knows, but the Bible say Job was a pretty stand up guy…so if God could do that to Job, then Billy boy, you ought to consider yourself lucky…a little hit to your checkbook and your pride IS nothing compared to what God could actually do.

    and when you do die and get to ask your question, those guys will tell you to go get fucked.

    • GMTA. This is what I get for not reading all the comments and scrolling from the bottom.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I can’t understand why all these Christians fear Satan as some evil genius masterminding all the horrors in the world. The guy made a bet with someone he knew was omniscient and knew the outcome of the bet before it was even proposed.

  • Ling Ling

    Cool story, bro.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Is Congress going to defund Him now?

    • jesterpunk

      They are going to defund ACORN again.

    • Mark Lungo

      I’d settle for their letting churches be taxed.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The Passion of the Bill O’Reilly

    • weejee

      Perhaps Bill-o requires some additional corporal mortification.

  • William
  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    I had a nickname for my dick too, but it wasn’t “God,” and I was in seventh grade.

    • weejee

      Emotionally at least, it appears Bill-o is stuck in the 7th grade. Eighth grade tops. Self-centered and fixated on his tiny wiener.

      • Mark Lungo

        Eighth grade? I think you’re giving him too much credit.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      I dunno, I’ve had a few women say, “My GAWD!” at a certain point.

      • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

        Yeah . . . um, me too.

      • Arolpin

        Dear God what is that thing?

      • Old Nick

        Just decided not to say it, but Woody Harrelson in “The Cowboy Way”, dining room scene.

  • Joe Beese

    As has been observed elsewhere, $32 million is an insane amount of money for a sexual harassment suit. You can easily settle a wrongful death suit for half that. Actual death!

    So it must have been some combination of the suit jeopardizing his next Fox contract (or at least his fear of same) and truly heinous behavior. Like, imprisoning someone in a sex dungeon behavior.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      There were words in the settlement to the effect of “involuntary sexual relationship,” which are not how you would typically describe happy fun sextimes.

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        Seems to me that the phrase “nonconsensual sexual relationship” has a synonym that’s only 4 letters long, and could have saved the lawyers, writers, etc. 27 letters of typing.

        Allegedly.

    • Rotisserie Teal

      Seems clear to me that she had him dead to rights with email evidence explosive enough to completely ruin him. $32 million is an insane payout.

  • Daniel

    “If I die tomorrow and I get an opportunity, I’ll say, ‘Why’d you guys work me over like that?”
    “Because of all that sexual harassment you did.”
    “SHUT UP! Didn’t know my children were going to be punished? And they’re innocent’”
    “Well, I notice that you’re not claiming you’re innocent here…”
    “SHUT UP! BUT THEY’RE INNOCENT!”
    “You’re hiding behind your children, Bill.”
    “CUT HIS MIKE, I’M DONE WITH YOU! FUCK IT, WE’LL DO IT AFTERLIVE.”

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    “Oh God, you asshole, why hast thou forsaken me, you fucking POS?”

  • weejee

    Thanks for the earlier good wishes. They freakin’ worked Wonkaderos!!!

    Just got back today’s CT scan, in record time I might add. All clear, NED (no evidence of disease) is still my buddy.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      ALL THE UPFISTS FOREVER FOR WEEJEE!

    • Shanzgood

      Good deal!

    • good to hear :)

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      ~hugs~

      Oh, I’m so happy to hear that! :D

    • Edith Prickly
    • The Wanderer

      HOORAY!

    • Eileen Besse

      YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!! HUZZAH!!!

    • grindstone

      FANTASTIC! Happy dance time!!

    • Werewolf

      Molotov!

    • Oblios_Cap

      Whee!

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      That is genuinely happy news! Pony hugs all round?

  • OrG

    LIAR!
    BLASPHEMER!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    And I’m mad that God did not force his peen into a toaster.

    • Shanzgood

      Waffle iron.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        wood chipper

        • weejee

          He had to Fargo that.

        • Rocket Pony Ron

          Plasma cutter.

          • Old Nick

            Garlic press

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Crinkled. For her pleasure.

    • SeeTrain65

      Rotisserie.

  • Blackest Noobs

    “YEAH. And when you help a pretty lady in her career, you’re supposed to be able to get away with sexually harassing her, and all women, right?”

    wait…you don’t get to sexually harass women, all women if you help a pretty lady out in their career…ooooh dear god what have i been doing all these years….is what Billy should be fucking saying when confronted with this fact.

  • Aileen

    Good reason to be mad at God: a hurricane flattens your home and a month later, you still don’t have electricity because your power utility is grossly incompetent and probably corrupt and also you don’t have clean water to drink because your government doesn’t really care about you, considering how you can’t vote in national elections and have no representation in Congress.

    Weak reason to be mad at God: you’re an entitled asshole who never met a female colleague you couldn’t resist harassing, belittling, assaulting or intimidating, and after several decades of getting away with it, you’re finally facing relatively minor consequences for your abhorrent behavior.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Tiller the baby killer

    • Rotisserie Teal

      Thank you. Never forget that one.

  • Cornelius Fussbudget

    Of course he’s mad at God. For the first time in his life, something bad happened to him.

    You have to remember, the way these rich assholes justify being complete douchnozzles to everyone is, they must be saints since God has been so kind to them. Or hell, I’m sure most of them are sure they themselves are Jesus reincarnate. Bill just had that worldview shattered.

  • Crystalclear12

    Dick jokes about a dick. Very meta.

  • Edith Prickly

    OT – sort of good news: Skid Rock admits he was trolling everyone about running for the Senate.

    Bad news – he’s still releasing an album.
    http://i5.asn.im/funniest-jennifer-lawrence-gifs-blech-_sibj.gif

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      I like Skid Rock, but how about Skid Rot?

      • Edith Prickly

        Works for me!

    • P’jama Pahnts

      This is good news, because he probably would have won, based on This Is America.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        Michigan? Yeah.

    • Rickyphoo

      The weekend, my wife and I went to Goodwill, there were over a dozen Kid “Dipshit” Rock albums gathering dust.

      • Eileen Besse

        Yay!

  • Iron Monkey

    I’ve helped her dramatically in her career.

    Well, Jay Fiske didn’t always kick his dog so he is OK as well.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Hate to break it to ya, Poppa Bear, but I don’t think God is the one you’re going to be reporting to when you finally choke to death on your own fucking bile…

    “You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him…if I die tomorrow and I get an opportunity, I’ll say, ‘Why’d you guys work me over like that? Didn’t [you] know my children were going to be punished? And they’re innocent.”

    • MynameisBlarney

      For someone proclaiming to be one of the smartest catholics ever, he sure doesn’t know shit about how his own fucking cult works.

      • Ling Ling

        Amen

        • Swampgas_Man

          See, I always thought it was the Debbil that forced your penis to do things.

          • Suttree

            When you’re as impotent as Billo, only gawd will do it for him.

  • Bitter Scribe

    For $32 million, O’Reilly could have set up an entire harem, with lots left over for Victoria’s Secret gift cards, loofahs and falafel. I’m starting to think he just isn’t very bright.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Or was trying to stay out of prison…

      • OutOfOrbit

        there had to be a SERIOUS crime to get that much moola-la

        • Beanz&Berryz

          And evidence.

      • Shanzgood

        That was my thought. I’m not sure I’d trade $32M for letting him stay OUT but then the chances of a rapist ever actually being convicted and going to prison are so small I might actually take the money.

      • Rotisserie Teal

        Ding Ding Ding We have a winner.

    • Suttree

      To assholes like him, it’s no fun unless you’re forcing the woman. The more terrible she feels, the more he enjoys it.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Killing my libido

  • Bill O-Reilly’s alleged Tipper Gore fantasies are getting expensive.

  • jesterpunk

    Wait until the right hears that BillO is now part of the war on Christianity and Christmas.

  • Mary Theresa

    Well, in Bills defense, he didn’t know god was a feminazi.

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • Blackest Noobs

    now im just spitballing here, but if you were actually thinking about your children, perhaps you shouldn’t have let your tiny penis take over and let you go about sexually harassing women for starters.

    you have only yourself to blame for your own problems says the Lord

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Amen.

  • Daniel

    Just a point, Bill, but God hasn’t historically had a problem with children suffering for other people’s offences. A Catholic should know that.

    • Bitter Scribe

      To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple
      as he took his postprandial tipple,
      “Your mother’s behavior
      offended Our Savior,
      and that’s why He made you a cripple.”

      –Edward Gorey

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Suffer the children. With earthquakes and floods, oh my!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • La Cieca
  • P’jama Pahnts

    Why do all these poor girls keep falling into Bill’s lap?
    https://www.theonion.com/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock-1819583529

    • William

      Probably the very same evil force that causes chaste and virginal Bristol Palin to keep falling on Penis’s and getting into a family way.

      • Daniel

        …is Penis another Palin?

        • LesBontemps

          It’s AOTK.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    He’s got the hole whirled in his hand.

  • lucidamente

    Is this when Chris Cillizza tweets that Hillary must apologize?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Right after MoDo writes some mean girls column blaming her

    • Edith Prickly

      WHY DID SHE WAIT SO LONG TO DENOUNCE BILL-O, HENNGGGGH?

  • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

    Upfist for the Title making me L.O.L. Evan. xD

  • wide_stance_hubby

    When you realize ‘Bros before hos’ is not in the bible.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Not in so many words, anyway.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Can God create a rock a penis so heavy so unruly that even He Bill O’Reilly can’t lift it control it?

  • Red Richmond
    • wide_stance_hubby

      “Yeah, well, fuck you. You’re older than God!”

    • Ling Ling

      I’m judging him right now. No negative consequences so far. God might let this one slide.

  • Swampgas_Man

    The only words that come to mind are, “CHRIST, what an asshole.”

  • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

    So: it isn’t the Devil who made him do it.

    Progress!

  • MynameisBlarney

    So many dick jokes…not enough time!

    https://imgur.com/r/HighQualityGifs/MmBKV8X

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Aside: the longer I watch that, the funnier it is.
      I may need help.

  • The Wanderer

    Depending on his particular flavor of Christianity, O’Reilly’s naughty penis is a) his own fault, as he has free will to make moral choices, or b) he was ordained from the beginning of the world to do naughtiness.

    • UnsaltedSinner

      But Jesus forgives him, so it’s OK.

    • Suttree

      I think he’s Catholic. Somehow he avoided that whole guilt thing. Probably because he was born without a conscience.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        He was born with one, but it has a golden parachute.

    • Daniel

      He’s a catlick, and his penis is therefore women’s fault.

    • Edith Prickly

      He’s a classic repressed/hypocritical Irish Catholic.

      • Shanzgood

        Not all Irish Catholics are repressed, thankfully!

        • Daniel

          A lot of the ones that aren’t enjoy long and successful careers in the church.

        • Edith Prickly

          Some of us are stronger than others…

  • UnsaltedSinner

    In other God news, I see in my local paper that a preacher claims God fixed a broken cell phone at one of his meetings. This is a relief to me, because it explains why God is too busy to help the sick and the starving and the oppressed right now.

    • grindstone

      “Thank you god, for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum!”

    • clubseal

      You see, the parts are so small and my God fingers are too damned big.

    • Oblios_Cap

      He just slapped his hand on the top of the phone and yelled “HEAL!”. It was a miracle, I tells ya!

  • Opiwan

    I’m honestly still stuck on “nonconsensual sexual relationship”… how can that phrase/euphemism even EXIST? dafuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…?

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Get a warrant to check his basement, STAT.

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    Bill, here’s a little tip: if you’re really concerned about the kids being traumatized, try not beating the hell out of your wife.

    • UnsaltedSinner

      Too late (allegedly).

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      “Wife gets slapped around, kids end up in therapy. You can’t explain that!”

  • Suttree

    Who the fuck is attacking the O’Reilly children? Did I miss that memo from George Soros? Does this mean I won’t get my Saturnalia bonus? IDK Bill, maybe if you didn’t beat up your ex and sexually harass all of those women, your children wouldn’t be embarrassed to have come from your loins!

    P.S. I hope that they had the good fortune to be the mailman’s babbies.

    • Jamoche

      Projection. As usual.

  • William
  • alpacapunchbowl

    Ermagerrrrrd.
    You know it’s bad when Eric fucking Bolling comes out looking a smidge better than you. Jesus.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Your honor, I move for a dismissal of all charges on the grounds that my client’s children are innocent.

    • jesterpunk

      Isn’t BillO one of the people ok with attacking Chelsea when she was a kid when Bill was president? Didn’t he also attack Obama’s kids?

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        Eyup. But that’s different, because.

  • SDGeoff3

    He’s mad as hell at god. Now, what the hell does he plan to do about it?

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Talk it over with his master Satan.

  • Daniel

    So the question that must be asked:

    did BillO’s kids actually get attacked, or is this one of those “my children might read stories about all the shit I did that the newspapers accurately reported which is abuse!”

    • Oblios_Cap

      His kids are already traumatized because they’ve got him for a father.

      • I think seeing him beat up their mother is much more traumatic than hearing their dad is a wiggly wanker who wonks his willie.

  • Mary Theresa

    Poor Billl, god doesn’t love him and neither does his talent agent.

    O’Reilly dropped by talent agency amid sexual harassment allegations: report
    http://thehill.com/media/356911-oreilly-dropped-by-talent-agency-after-report-of-sexual-harassment-settlement-report

    • TJ Barke

      What talent?

    • Caepan

      O’Reilly spokesman Mark Fabiani told THR that O’Reilly already had “lined up new representation” but declined to say which agency had signed him.

      Broadway Danny Rose?

  • Ricky Gay

    Look, it was a dollar for every sperm that came out that one time because every sperm is sacred, in the eyes of the Lord!!!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Assaults go on, settlements go out. You can’t explain that!

    • grindstone

      Winner.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “Bill O’Reilly has said many stupid things ever since the New York Times revealed he had spent $32 million of his lunch money to settle yet another sexual harassment case he first said the word “mama.”

  • Oblios_Cap

    If Bill has forgiven Bill, then there’s nothing left for God to do here.

  • OutOfOrbit

    i wanna know what crime(s) $32M is covering

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      AOT,K

  • TJ Barke

    Another shitass, hypocritical, moralizing conservative. Nothing to see here.

  • MynameisBlarney

    So, he’s blaming his bronze age deity for giving him free will, basically?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      It’s a fair cop. Some people simply can’t be trusted with free will.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Well, you’ve got free will. Just choose wisely, or else!

  • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

    BiilO hasn’t been this angry at God since the time the Argentine Navy strapped him to an Exocet missile and launched him at a Royal Navy Destroyer.

    • jesterpunk

      Can they do it again? I think they missed last time.

      • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

        Maybe he can join up with Brian Williams and attack the Russian Nuclear Battlecruiser Pyotr Velikiy.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    If I call him a soggy dick can I get a couple thou?
    OT: fun!
    https://twitter.com/mla1396/status/922883604358852608

    • Love the thumbs up there – like he’s saying ya Pootie Pots!

    • Major_Major_Major

      Yertle thinks it is HI-LARE-ious

    • Major_Major_Major

      Also too, both the turtle and the hair look quite smug. No race today, eh?

  • elviouslyqueer

    God shoves it in, God pulls it out. Bill, can you explain it?

    • clubseal

      “Your honor, can we please have the defendant stop referring to his pelvic area as ‘God’?”

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        At least that gives us the benefit of making it invisible. Sadly for all those women, though, it’s not imaginary.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      He also wipes it on the curtains, but He blames the devil for that.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    The arrogance of Bildo thinking he would get into heaven! Heaven is reserved for good Christians like these,
    http://www.bishop-accountability.org

  • William
    • Arolpin

      I thought he was in line to be the next White House Press Secretary.

      • Khavrinen

        Given how fast they cycle through, isn’t everybody?

        • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

          Can I pass when my turn comes around?

  • blarg

    I’ve sorta been ignoring this BillO story, because of course he did, but I just got tripped up by the phrase “nonconsensual sexual relationship.” What in tarnation? Isn’t that an oxymoron? How can you have a relationship to which you don’t consent? Isn’t this just a euphemism for serial sexual assault??

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Chad Thundercock is the one true God.

  • Oblios_Cap

    He wished that he had more protection? Is he too cheap to buy more rubbers?

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Birth control is the lady’s responsibility.

    • satanscheerleadersloveamerica

      God is not OK with those.

  • Rocket Pony Ron

    Seriously, if these assholes don’t stop invoking Me every time they’re caught being jerks, I may just rethink that whole not-going-to-send-any-more-floods thing. Not that you idiots aren’t already headed that way already.
    – God

  • Daniel

    BOOM Bill’s been dropped by his agency.

  • (((Aron)))

    Doing it live with my penis doesn’t sound entirely horrible…

    • Courser_Resistance

      Just don’t post pics, ‘kay? I don’t need that today, thanks!

      • (((Aron)))

        Oh, don’t worry. I’m not BillO.

        That wouldn’t happen ;)

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “if that doesn’t settle the issue, he might pay you $32 million to stop saying otherwise!”

    Not that Wonkette would taint their reputation by accepting such an offer (hint, hint. Psssst! BILL!! ) . . .

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      So “taint” is the word of the day? First Fuckabee Sanders, now you!

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    My favorite part is Bill saying he paid out in order to protect his children from the media drama of his defending himself. And now he’s launching this media campaign of defending himself.

    Lying liar telling lies.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    BillO is another casualty of the Bolling Peen Massacre.

  • TimJ

    Hi Bill! Didn’t you know that your children were going to be effected by YOUR out of control behavior? Don’t blame God shitheel.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Oh, my chilluns!!!! YOU MONSTER!

    • I’d be entirely unsurprised if Billo lacks the understanding of why his behaviour was out of control. He doesn’t appear to understand that women have agency or autonomy.

  • whitroth

    So, his dick is named God, and he’s named dick… Have I got that right?

    • Wee Mousie

      He thinks his dick is a god and his god thinks he’s a dick.

      I don’t even believe in him, but I’ve got to go with god on this one.

  • Viktor

    Bill’s the only on dragging his kids into it by repeatedly using them as a shield and mentioning them. What he don’t mention is his kids chose mom over him during the divorce, and wanted nothing to do with him. Blaming God and using his kids, Bill just proved once again he’s scum.

    • Mike Steele

      If he cared about his kids, he’d have left the ladies alone and the $32 M in his will.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Bill now sez he regrets settling this sexual harassment suit. No word yet on whether he regrets settling the other five sexual harassment suits brought against him.

    • Suttree

      He’s just like Turnip, he never settles! Except for that one time, and the other time,………

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    Oh, dear, there is more to the gay porn than I would have guessed.

    Raw Story:

    The Smoking Gun published documents from O’Reilly v. Mackris, which detailed O’Reilly’s campaign of sexualized bullying against producer Andrea Mackris. Mackris said O’Reilly relentless pressured her for sex and called her during off hours while masturbating and penetrating himself with a vibrator.

    Dear God on a cracker!

  • Three Finger Salute

    Billo looks like my grandfather and Bannon looks like my father. Newsweek must have read my mind, because they’re now asking —

    Why are so many conservative loudmouths Irish Americans?

    Spoiler: Potato liver affects the brain. You can’t explain that.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Will Wonkette pay my hospital bills for the carpal tunnel surgery I’m obviously gonna need after all the rigorous up-fisting I’mma about to on all the fucking hilarious non-comments?

  • Professor Fate

    Really Bill $32 million? Sheesh. Even a high end escort service has to be less money.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Ah, but the point is not sex, it is exerting power over women.

      • Professor Fate

        I suppose up still isn’t being able to order up a woman like a pizza enough of a power trip?

      • BeachBum

        Sadly yeah. Not real sex, but something for his sick, perverted ego.

    • Arolpin

      Even at $5,000/night (no idea what a high-end escort goes for, but I’ve heard standard outcall in NYC is $350-500, so 10x seems reasonable) that would get him 6,400 nights in a row, which is over 17 years. That angry fuck won’t live that long, and just the interest on that would probably keep him in high class hookers until his dies. Hell, if he could get a 6% annual return, he could not even tough the principle.

  • BadKitty904

    Who?

    ~ God

    • Kiri the Unicorn
      • MynameisBlarney

        Got to see them live.
        They put on one hell of a fucking show. 4+ hours of awesome.

        • Arolpin

          I saw them a couple years ago and I thought, ‘Meh, not loud enough.” I wanted to be blown away, and there were certainly some good parts, but overall it was too quiet and restrained.

          • Professor Fate

            well there are both about 70 or so now so they may have lost a half a step or two – saw them the first time in Madison Square Garden in 1979 as a part of the first series of shows after Keith Moon had died and that show was about the most emotionally charged event I was ever at – band had something to prove and the crowd was edgy… and well it was loud as hell using volume to drive away the doubts and demons as it where and when Roger did the “see me” moment from Tommy it was one of the most electric moments I ever experienced at a show.
            saw them a bunch after some good some bad – as noted they lost a step or two but well so have I.

          • Arolpin

            Yes to all that. I wish I had seem them at the height of their careers. Unfortunately I don’t think The Who ever played Idaho, at least not the parts where I lived. I’m still glad I saw them, but it WASN’T LOUD ENOUGH!

          • Professor Fate

            I am sorry about that – still I don’t quite miss the days when the day after a concert you really couldn’t hear well. Lord knows what damage it did. Remember see the Ramones and when the Roadie tested the base before the show it felt like i’d been kicked in the chest. Now that was a loud band.

          • Erala Contratista

            Went to too many concerts, sat in front of too many amps.
            You may have blown out your ears.

          • Arolpin

            Good guess, but AFAIK my hearing is still fine. Granted, I don’t get annual hearing tests any more, but I had one a couple years ago and it showed no hearing loss. (I have worn earplugs to shows in known loud venues, even though I felt like a tool doing so.)

          • Erala Contratista

            Good for you!
            Worked a lot with chainsaws, chippers, blowers, etc while wearing plugs and muffs.
            For me it was just the years of low grade exposure that did it.
            Or I need to rinse out my ears.

      • BadKitty904

        OK, that took me a few because I’ve never seen The Who other than in still photos.

        • Old Nick

          Saw them live in the late 60s (1967?) at the Fillmore East. Richie Havens opened . Never could stand him. I had an 8 track of Tommy and played it every day driving from Sheepshead Bay to Coop City in the Bronx. Long, long ago when I was a union carpenter. UBCJOA.

      • mailman27

        One of the greatest guitarists EVER. (And I never use the term “guitarist.”)

    • Nockular cavity
  • William

    Maybe the almighty is just fucking with Billio. It’s happened before. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6995604cfa1e2b28afc320587fbb172611b6fd9d74c6f7a54dc463a64934d4f3.jpg

  • renegade500

    I shouldn’t have read this as I get read to head into a meeting with the dean and some other folks. I don’t want to have “BillO” and “peen” in the same thoughts together. Ever. Well, I’m cool with peen. Big fan. Just not of BillO’s.

    I can’t even.

  • rocktonsam

    Angel :Bill O’Reilly is mad at you Lord.

    Lord : meh…

    • CafeenMan

      God’s like, “Just for that I’m going to turn you into a repulsive, insufferable bore.”

      • Caepan

        Angel: “Um, but Lord…”

        Lord: “Fine. MORE of a repulsive, insufferable bore.”

    • Blackest Noobs

      more like

      Lord: who?

  • Teto85

    Blaming god for this, Billo? How about we just blame god for you? You can’t explain that.

  • chascates

    Didn’t any of the nuns O’Reilly claims were so tough on him ever mention

    Exodus 20:1? (Thou shalt not commit adultery.)

    • TakingAmes

      IOKIYAR

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Well, you know the old saying that I just made up: “Once you go nun, you’ll never be fun.”

  • Hemp Dogbane

    God makes His move in mysterious ways.

  • Mavenmaven

    Erections go up, erections go up again, who can explain it?

  • Marsupial99

    Has God grabbed Bill O’Reilly’s dick and jammed it in Bill O’Reilly’s eye any other times in the past day?

    I was hoping She would jam Bill O’Reilly’s dick in a light socket, but that’s just me.

  • James Baskin

    “In fact, when she was getting hammered earlier this year,”
    Oh really, O’Reilly? A guy in your situation might want to think twice about using the phrase ‘getting hammered’ in reference to a female.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      To be fair, when I think of Billo, I think of the words “ball” and “peen.”

  • Jgb979

    Just like the modern day JOB! God made me get grab handsy and then tank my career when even Fox wouldn’t stick with me! HOW DARE YOU GOD!!!!!

    Next book: killing o’relly?

  • BeachBum

    Rant of the Day : I was hoping Bill would just go away into a hole somewhere and never be heard of again, but seeing as how he has forced me to non-comment I therefore must.
    1. O’Reilly should follow the teachings and examples of his Religion, that is the Roman Catholic Church. After costing millions of lives and gazillions of ducats in the centuries old effort to “free the Holy Land,” and of course failing spectacularly, they simply turned their focus to more easy pickings, the New World. Bill should just move on. I could mention pedophile priests as well, but I think I have made my point.
    2. Bill has wasted way too much effort writing books on topics there are already too many books. And no one wants to read his mindless wonderings and rewriting of history.
    However he should write a book on which I, and very likely many others, would like to know about. That is ; what is $850,000 sex like ? What is $2 million, or $8 million sex like? With details. Lots and lots of details! My mind opens to a dark chasm, a bottomless infinity, an expanse of nothingness if I think of $32 million sex! I mean I love vaginas as much as the next guy or girl, but really, I got nothing.
    Who knew ? Woody Allen “the most expensive sex is free sex” prolly knew.

    • BeachLoafer

      I’m guessing you could get as much mind-blowing, long-term, consensual sex as you want for, like, a coupla mil, so the extra 30 mil is maybe just for the “non-consensual” modifier. Kinda like Spitzer paying 3 grand for a bareback bj, but times ten thousand.

      I’m glad I prefer my sex consensual, cuz I ain’t got the extra 30 mil to bump it up that extra notch.

  • Pisto75666

    Well God IS a Beyonce fan.

  • aureolaborealis

    Billo’s peen goes up, goes down (after being waved at a female coworker). You can’t explain that.

  • bbayliss

    God used to make my weiner do all kinds of things, then he turned off the testosterone, what a fucking relief.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Ya know, I had the same damn problem with my lady bits until the estrogen switch flipped off. It is goddamn relaxing.

      • bbayliss

        Kinda gives you a clear perspective.

  • BrianW

    Shorter BillO: “Won’t you think of my children?! Well, except for my daughter who is a lying whore like her mother. I mean, bitches, amitrite?”

  • Erala Contratista

    Billo, just got off the phone with God.
    You just got on her last nerve.
    Yes, it’s too late to go to Confession.
    The steel edged Ruler Of Justice has your name on it.
    Hold out both hands……

  • aureolaborealis

    “What about when there was only one set of footprints in the sand?”
    “That’s when I was carrying you by the penis to your next harassment lawsuit.”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That would explain the intermittent drag mark with a crease down the center.

  • BeachLoafer

    Y’know what, Bill? I’m mad at god too, for not striking down supposed Christians with fucking lightning bolts when they ignore all the shit his supposed son supposedly gave his life for.

    I may be an atheist now, but I was raised a Methodist, and in my reality “Republican Christian” is an oxymoron.

    • This lapsed Lutheran of Jewish descent (now agnostic) concurs with you 100%.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “If I die tomorrow and I get an opportunity, I’ll say, ‘Why’d you guys work me over like that?

    Here is a strange construction, indeed. If you die tomorrow and you get an opportunity (premortem, postmortem?) you’ll talk to “you guys,” the NYT, the media, God, the spiders in his head?

    “Didn’t [you] [you, who?] know my children were going to be punished? And they’re innocent’”

    Yeah, you are soooo concerned for the children, Billo.

    Even Eric Bolling knows how you are concerned for the children.

    You dragged your own then-wife down the stairs by her neck in front of your daughter.

    And you know who isn’t innocent, pal? You, to the tune of $32 million for just one sexual assault.

    To paraphrase Doctor Johnson, Sean Hannity’s Show is the last refuge of soundrels.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Hey, Billo apologized to Bolling.

    Apologies to God and his ex-wife’s current husband and his children and the American public and the chart of tides still pending.

  • SeeTrain65

    I think God’s pretty pissed at you, too, BillO. And I think I know why.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8ddf6f51c6040a8614d6ab5619cacd960aae99fdf12946c7a1d6650fd6ef7cb9.jpg

    • mailman27

      God’s gonna give him a pass on this one, Bill didn’t actually write the thing.

      • SeeTrain65

        His publisher probably doesn’t accept manuscripts in rage tweets.

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    Is anything on God’s green earth ever a conservative’s fault?

    • HooverVilles

      No. The answer is no.

  • bubbuhh

    What religious fundamentalists, especially Judeo-Xian ones, including the Islams, don’t get about penises

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2fa148881b742ce5c73c6d4c218becc14060a642a6a399749d3133af0676b9ef.jpg

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    I’m sure all of us willingly turn over several paychecks to settle disputes that we are totally not to blame for. It’s just human nature to give up without a fight when you are the aggrieved party.

  • Beowoof14

    I am thinking Bill’s version of the almighty has prepared an extra hot hole for his penis.

  • Holly

    32 million clams could buy a fucking legal army to defend yourself against those lying women you totally didn’t sexually harass and rape. Know what I think? Somebody’s got the proof video’s/emails/text msgs in a vault somewhere.

  • Serai 1
  • Gorillionaire

    If Bill-O is so concerned about the welfare of his children, maybe not cheating and beating on Mommy would be a good move?

  • Wow.
    Look what your outting me is doing to my children?
    Really, Billo?
    How about…look what your behavior did to your children?

    • HooverVilles

      This

  • OrdinaryJoe

    I hear Fuxx is replacing O’Liely with a new anchor, a guy name Rod Thrustwelle.

  • 52camellias

    Seems like Mr. Bill was napping when the concept of “free will” was discussed in class. Also, “dramatically” does not translate to “understand how great it would be if my genitalia and her whatever had a very personal moment together.”

    I hate this guy. I used to love falafel. Now, thinking about it feels dirty, and not in a good way.

  • Kooolest G

    if he’s willing to spend 32 million to keep your victim quiet, I can’t believe he only spent $129.99 on that USB microphone he’s talking into. (that’s really cheap for a microphone)

    • haauwnk

      His income has dwindled and his resources have surely been hit hard with payments to victims, legal council, as well as court costs. It might have been donated.

  • mailman27

    The average $50,000/yr Joe who thinks O’Reilly is just like him would have to work 640 years just to pay the rape hush money.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    Somehow, in scanning this article, my eyes put together the words “Yanking it with Poppy” and I think I need to tell Billo. I think he could run with this idea straight to the bank. You’re welcome, ya rotter.

  • BearLeft

    Next up: Killing Bill’s Dick.

    And THIS is how Megyn Kelly’s going to get more than ten people to watch her new show?!1 Holy shit.

    • haauwnk

      Yup this ^^^^^^!

  • Holly Palmer

    Wonkette, you are on a damn ROLL today. I cannot tell you how much I love you today–it’s real and it’s deep

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “I can’t explain it to you.”

    Sexual assaults by BillO are like the tides. You can’t explain it.

    • Guest Liberal

      The sexual assault accusations roll in, tens of millions of dollars in hush money roll out. No miscommunication there.

    • haauwnk

      By “can’t”, he means under a court-enforced gag order… introduced by guess who?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Billdo is being Billdo.

    Film at 11.

  • friedtoad

    C’mon, give ole bill a break- wanting to put falafel on the cookie isn’t the same as grabbing it.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    hope I’m not stepping on any toes here, but I think that Bill O’Reilly is a fucking pig.

    • Maybe

      You’re not even stepping on any hoofs.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      I’m thinking that the worst pushback you’ll get for that is a hearty “so say we all!”

  • pixeloid

    To paraphrase Bill’O: The dick/fingers/loofah goes in, the money goes out. You can’t explain that.

  • Maybe

    Gee. I guess God must be a liberal.

  • StlSaxist

    Although I can’t be so presumptuous to speak for the Almighty, I don’t think God gives a flying fuck on a rolling doughnut how mad you are, Bill.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If you can’t so presumptuous as to speak for the Almighty, you are never going to get a gig as a TV preacher, hauling in gazillions of dollars from idiots.

      OTOH, you will be a decent person.

      So it all evens out, except for the money part.

  • phoenix00

    So is Megyn Kelly’s shitty talk show still shitty?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Yes, but not because she was harassed at Fox. Just because it is shitty.

      The Great White Hope Oprah, she ain’t.

      • MyLovelyNose

        The Great White Harpo.

  • Goposaur

    esad, bellow.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    So Billo finally tells God to fuck off.

    It’s about time.

    Sez God.

  • Zyxomma

    Fuck all these fucking fuckers. With someone else’s parts, of course, mine own are far too picky and clean to associate with such trash.

  • Christopher Story

    What pisses me off is the fact that monsters like him have $32 million just laying around.

  • haauwnk

    First, limpballs gets into it with the Pope, now billo takes the fight straight to the top. It’s almost as if they weren’t scared of a judgement day.

  • rubbydub

    Doesn’t God realize who Bill is?

  • Mike

    What is it I hate about Megyn Kelly…?
    To me, she comes off as privileged and entitled while trying to speak to an issue of great importance. It’s not that she’s being insincere, it’s …I don’t know what… I can’t watch her.

    • sarafina

      Why do so many men on C&L attack women who’ve been harassed (Megan Kelly, Gretchen Carlson) more than the harassers? Yes, the women did play the FOX bullshit game for too long, but you guys – and there are many – would rather beat up the women than the actual bad guys like Bill O, Bolling or Ailes. I’m not favorably impressed.

  • MyLovelyNose

    So some of the saved are walking around Heaven and one says to the other, “Who’s that weirdo over there in the toupee?”

    His companion says, “Oh, that’s God. He thinks He’s Bill O’Reilly.”

  • WeaselPoo

    I think the way this works is that the more innocent you are, the more money you have to pay to those claiming otherwise.

    • Mary Theresa

      Republican math.

  • HooverVilles

    1) something something free will something something.
    2) something doG never gives us more than we can handle… something

  • mardam422

    Father why have you forsaken me? Was it me pushing my penis where it wasn’t welcome?

  • capnkrunch

    My thought process every time this comes up:
    “how da moon get dere”
    “moon get dere”
    “moon dere”
    “(Twilight) Moon (tsun)dere”
    https://derpicdn.net/img/2013/11/22/478454/full.gif

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