SHARE


Wonkette has obtained* this script for an unaired episode of the NRA.TV’s “Freedom’s Safest Place” series featuring Dana Loesch in very short videos in which she seems very upset.

In previous videos, Loesch has employed violent rhetoric in leveling vague accusations against the NRA’s political opponents. The scripts were peppered with aggressive language like “assassinate,” “burn,” “smash,” “violence,” “bully,” “terrorize,” “fight,” “clenched fist,” “perish in the political flames of their own fires,” “daggers through the heart,” etc.

This unaired script, as you’ll see, is no different.

***DRAFT NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION***

DANA LOESCH: We are witnessing the bloodiest slaughter of everyday American freedom in our history.

The extreme left, Antifa, communists, newspapers, teachers, ISIS, Marx, movies, Beyonce, and Hillary Clinton are all but stalking you, salivating.

Their corrupted fangs lust for the soft flesh of your truth. They are in your basement.

Their aim is to torture you beyond the limits of pain until you die, and then they will laugh as they rape and murder your family with lies.

If they win, the American heartland will turn to salt.

If they win, the bodies of all patriots will be sent to factories and rendered for raw materials to build the New World Order’s so-called “Utopian Empire of Soros.”

If they win, Satan will overthrow God in Heaven and fire will rain down from the sky.

Forever.

But they won’t win.

We’re not going to let them win.

We’re going to take up our deadly weapons of honor and justice and kill all of their plans.

We will kill every last one of their plans by shooting it through the head or the heart with a gun of goodness.

Their plans will beg for mercy, but we will spill their evil black blood all the same, for mercy in the face of an evil liberal plan is a mortal sin against love.

A plan may cower before you, begging for its life, simpering and weak.

End the plan’s suffering with a bullet of faith between the eyes.

We are the National Rife Association of America.

And we are freedom’s safest place.

*I wrote it

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Villago Delenda Est

    The NRA…America’s premier terrorist organization.

  • Eileen Besse

    THANK YOU, Alex!!!!

  • Christopher Story

    The difference… Where is it?

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    OK! The beta test of the Dana Loesch NRA rant generator went well!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I might add that Alex has a new Twitter Machine follower.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I had three uncles who were part of Antifa during WWII.

  • Viktor

    Dana Loesch and her husband where welfare collecting poor people, until she started a Tea Party in her area. Then they saw the light, and turned the grift on. He’s a lucky guy, stays home and does nothing while the wife cons, I mean works.

  • There’s a LOT of murder in that draft. Whew.

  • Sophia
    • Maxine Headroom

      My kind of content <3

    • Phoenixdoglover

      The bib was thoughtful, and doubles as a fashion accessory.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        it’s what MAKES the video.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Across the world parents are asking ‘Can he come here and feed soup to my fractious toddler?’

      • willi0000000

        for “fractious” substitute “starving”

  • Marion in Savannah

    Tengrain at Mock Paper Scissors has what may be the best description of her:

    “Soulless gundamentalist pessary”

    https://mockpaperscissors.com/2017/10/20/news-that-will-drive-you-to-drink-613/

  • Sophia

    Seems a little tame for Loesch

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    OT: I figure the Houston Astros will not win the World Series because because despite having a disaster and deserving a nice time win, it will follow like Cleveland where they didn’t win last year and the Trump disaster occurred. (total shit reasoning on a Sunday morning before coffee with an upset stomach and a bad attitude. And I don’t have potato chip cookies, thank you very much.)

    • msanthropesmr

      You always have a bad attitude.

    • SeeTrain65

      Houston won’t win because MLB doesn’t want them to win.

      They pray yearly for Yankees-Dodgers. It the reason why they tampered with Cleveland’s bats in the last three games of the ALDS. They had trouble getting to Minute Maid Park to tamper with the Astros’ bats.

      (My latest altogether implausible excuse for why my teams don’t win. And BTW: Go Astros! Beat the blue menace!)

      • deadjello

        Inorite; at least the fucking Yankees didn’t make it.

    • President in Exile Firefly
  • C4TWOMAN

    Now you know this will be picked up by a wingnut as fer realz … iminent schadenfreude ahead…

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    It’s always projection with these folks.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Script looks pretty good.

  • C4TWOMAN

    Completely OT:
    I have over 10,000 comments!
    !squee!
    So what do I win? The sports car? Dishwasher? Signed Wonkette scripts?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Lifetime supply of canned clams. And a goat.

      • Cock Blockula

        Let me be the first to say: “YOU MONSTER!!!!”

      • Amy!

        The goat is for opening the cans?

      • C4TWOMAN

        The goat could be useful… I could make my own cheese… but canned clams? How COULD you?

        • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

          I thought the goat was to sacrifice to the Rothshildz.

          • C4TWOMAN

            Whoa. Waste of a goat!

        • Marion in Savannah

          Well, only if it’s a girl goat. Do goats eat canned clams? I thought they’d eat just about anything.

          • C4TWOMAN

            Good point.

          • Ghenghis McCann

            They might eat the can, but never the clams.

      • Nockular cavity

        Did someone say goat?
        -Erick Erickson

        • Marion in Savannah

          Mickey Kaus libelz!

    • Phoenixdoglover

      In 6 weeks you could have a Land Rover Range Rover.

    • memzilla Ω

      You win a coooooooool water sandwich on a Sunday-go-to-meetin’ bun.

    • onedollarjuana

      Not possible. Comments aren’t allowed.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      You win a Pullet Surprise in Commenting.

      • C4TWOMAN

        *blushes*

  • Kaiser Soze’

    I was flipping through the channels one night, and Pat Robertson said the exact same thing on “The 700 Club”.

    I personally think Pat expired years ago and they’re doing a whole “Weekend at Bernie’s” bit with him to keep the Jeebus money flowing in.

    ALL HAIL BEYONCE!

    • Khavrinen

      “Pat expired years ago and they’re doing a whole “Weekend at Bernie’s” bit with him”
      Who would notice?

      • folderol

        God. God would notice, and punish all the gays and Mexicans for it.

    • folderol

      I think he’s holed up in his bunker, which is stuffed full of Bakker Buckets.

      https://youtu.be/rOH37W0jPpA

      • folderol

        BTW, Vic Berger does hilarious editing hacks of Jim’s show. Worth watching.

  • Needs more punch if you want to sell this to NRATV.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      Like 1/2 second videos of Black people walking in a blighted area, and ISIS.

      • Bad Scooter

        and still shots of Hillz with an unflattering facial expression under a screenful of flames.

  • Viktor

    She has to turn up the heat, make herself more edgy. The Blaze isn’t doing well, cancelling shows and firing staff, poor Glenn is trying to plug a sinking ship. And Dana refuses to dye her hair blonde, so Fox won’t hire her. The only future she has is grifting for the NRA, by being outrageous. She’s the NRA’s shock jock. Boring Dana, boring.

    • She reminds me of the computer in Portal.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Oh dear… now every time I see her I’ll imagine her singing “it was a triumph, great success…”

    • george lastrapes

      When the Dems do well, the NRA flourishes, contributions roll in, because the gun-nuts know that Obamaites, armed with disapproving frowns, are coming for their assault weapons. But when the Reps are in control, those gun-nuts feel safe, contributions go down. Hence the need for Dana to bite the heads off chickens just to get our attention.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      More cleavage. That is always a good strategy.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Zardoz libelz!

    • ManchuCandidate

      http://www.oddfilms.com/blog/media/zardoz-connery.jpg

      To be honest, Sean Connery in Fuck me boots and red nappy is lieblz* enough.

      *if lieblz means “eye searing hilarity.”

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        Gunz is goodz. Peniz badz.

      • Marion in Savannah

        MST3K was wonderful with Zardoz.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        No one thought it possible to make Sean Connery un-doable. Then, there was this.

        • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

          It was confusing me to the point that I had to do a system reboot of my brain. Sexy and horrifying at the same time…

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Sean Connery was persuaded to star in Zardoz. And then the killings started.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        “The Gun is Good, the Penis is Evil”

        ‘Zardoz’ or 2017 GOP?

        • BrianW

          Anna,
          I think the GOP version approves of both items. Otherwise, spot on.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            *curtseys*

    • SeeTrain65

      My Wizardry! character libelz!

    • BrianW

      I almost threw in that “the penis is bad, the gun is good” quote, but decided not to. Thanks for giving me the opportunity.

      EDIT: I knew I should have looked downthread before I posted this.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Needs more contradictory “LIEBRULS ARE PANSY ASS WIMP COWARDS WHO WET THEMSELVES WITH A HINT OF VIOLENCE!” and “OMG! THEY ARE TAROWRIST GUN TAKING KILLING MACHINES IN THE SERVICE OF PUBLIC HEALTHCARE ISLAMIC AND SATAN!”

    • C4TWOMAN

      Gotta work in lattes and girly men.

      • Marion in Savannah

        And arugula.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I dip my bullets in latte for when the Civil War II starts.

  • Marion in Savannah

    OT, but the IRS is helping keep the ACA alive:

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/20/health/irs-obamacare-mandate.html

  • Michael R
    • ManchuCandidate

      If we outlaw tampons then only criminals will have tampons.

      • Phoenixdoglover

        Well, we could just have a waiting period.

        • ManchuCandidate
        • Marion in Savannah

          Oh God, don’t get the pun brigade started!

          • Phoenixdoglover

            Yes, we should block that right now.

          • Boojum

            If this was a real comment, women’s bodies could just shut that thing down.

          • ManchuCandidate

            The puns will flow.

          • Right out of our whereevers

          • Nockular cavity

            #notallmenses

          • Rags

            Always

          • President in Exile Firefly

            You’re just stringing us along.

        • Kneeling Bozilingus
      • wide_stance_hubby

        Women would not be able to ride horses or go swimming ever again!1!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    This and @JustPixelz’s #DeletedTrumpTweets have gone all the way around the spectrum from satire and become Truth.

  • When does the NRA lose its ORG status anyway?

  • Sophia

    Whoa, Gretchen Carlson is on CNN talking about sexual harassment. The world is upside down. I’m agreeing with what she’s saying

    • unless she is saying it is good and women should wear burkas I do not see how you could not agree with what she is saying

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      She was on Joy Reid yesterday morning. I’m glad she’s speaking out, but she seems like a typical Republican: Only able to express empathy when something bad happens to them personally. Until then, fuck everyone else.

  • Bad Scooter

    you forgot to mention how the demon-cRATs want to replace the constitution with Sharia Muslin Law. other than that, perfect

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    In these times, Anno Domini 2017, this doesn’t even sound that bombastic.

  • memzilla Ω

    THIS SCRIPT IS ALL TOO FUCKING PLAUSIBLE.

    • Ellen D.

      Had me goin’ there…

      • C4TWOMAN

        Me too. That’s why I’m certain we’ll get a visitor all outraged, typing in caps, about how fake news this blog is…

        • Marion in Savannah

          Well, good things for DSFB have been thin on the ground lately. Maybe this will stir up some good responses.

        • LIBTARDSS AR DESTROYNG AR CUNTRY!!!!1!!!!@Q!~~!FAKE NEWS CRAP BLOG FNKING NCLANGLOVERS WHEN SOROS TAKES OVER AND THE CLAMS ARE CANNED U WILL SEA U DUMB DEMON SHEP TRYING TOO DESTROY AR CUNTRY WITH MOOSLUMB SHAREING LAWS!!!!

          • C4TWOMAN

            Fake Comment!

          • Marion in Savannah

            “NCLANGLOVERS”

            This is the wrong step — you KNOW what they’d say.

          • They think they cannot use naughty language on the nets.
            That is how you know they are srs wingnuts and not bots.

          • C4TWOMAN

            Also too many sites they frequent are moderated by prudes and they assume all sites have the same filters.
            If you decide to troll infolulz, remember this if you want to avoid mods.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            That always makes me chuckle. They’ll openly and proudly advocate for the extermination of an entire race, but they’re sensitive about profanity.

          • C4TWOMAN

            Jen’s non comment is funnier on rereading. So much lulz…

          • I WER BENG CEREAL!!!!STOP MAKINGFUN OF ME UR TEH REAL RACIST FORE SAYING I AR RACIST!!!! ACCEPT JESBUS IN UR HART LIKE I DID ORE U WILL BURN IN THE HELL POT OF LIBTARD UTOAUPIAR LIKE THEY DID IN NAMBIA!!!!!

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            Speaking of . . . have you ever read the “crankmail” the FFRF (Freedom From Religion Foundation) receives? It’s basically what you wrote – “Jesus loves you and if you don’t stop trying to destroy religion you will burn in hell forever because reasons and shut up is why.” It’s both funny and terrifying that people can “think” like that.

          • oh heavens no, never heard of it. But it sounds much like Catholic School XD

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            IKR? “He’s a loving gawd! He loves you very much! He loves you so much that if you don’t believe in him and do everything exactly right you will burn in a pit of flames and fire for all eternity!!”

          • Khavrinen

            So basically, God is your stereotypical abusive stalker boyfriend?

          • To be sure, I am considering copy pasting that on blightfart and seeing how many upfists I get

          • Edith Prickly

            Please do so.

          • This person knows how to turn a phrase.

          • mailman27

            Demon Shep? Why you, I oughta….
            ETA I know it’s Shemp, FFS

  • “Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless idiocracy…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless idiocracy…and an almost fanatical devotion to the Trump…and our lovely red MAGA hats…”

    • eggs ackly-wright

      I’ll stick with the comfy Cher.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I got a hip pointer from a Cher shaped woman in my wellspent youth. There is no comfy Cher. Delightful, but hardly comfy.

  • eggs ackly-wright

    Rum, sodomy, and the Loesch.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Not necessarily in that order.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Okay, now I’m helpless with laughter.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Well, two out of three isn’t too bad.

      • Ronda

        Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
        On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !da302d:
        ➽➽
        ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleNetJobsIndexWorkFromHome/more/cash ★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫:::::!da302lhh

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Service in the Royal Navy was a real laugh riot.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Easiest game of F/M/K ever.

  • Iron Monkey

    “Corrupted fangs” is a winner. Could be a death metal band

    • SeeTrain65

      It’s the name of my new Gregorian Chant group.

      • C4TWOMAN

        You can bang your heads like in that Python skit and be Punk Chant.

        • SeeTrain65

          You fly the Devil Horns in those robes and you’re excommunicated in a matter of seconds.

  • Electric Ukulele Land

    I’m sure a fun* exercise would be to clip out the “script” and forward it via e-mail to your favorite right winger relative (maybe with a couple extra fwd:fwd:’s for true authenticity) to see their reaction.

    *fun as in “depressing or nauseating” — you know, the sort of fun we’ve been having since Trump got elected

    • “Wonkette – making fake news a reality”

    • Marion in Savannah

      That’s evil, sneaky and rotten — I like the way your mind works!

      • C4TWOMAN

        I was considering commenting on Infowars a la, “look what th the liberal Nazis made up!!!1!”
        Then I decided to be good.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      See how long it takes to come back to you on the wingnut email circuit.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Oh yah…

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Subject heading: YOU MUST READ THIS!11!!!

          • One weird trick to shoot Liberal antifas through the head.

          • Boojum

            NRA Video Truth Suppressed by Soros Liebral Media!!!

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            That’s the spirit!

      • Electric Ukulele Land

        This almost makes it into a contest. Who’s subject heading comes back first, who’s subject heading gets the most forwards, etc.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          It’s like Wingnut Bingo!

    • Nockular cavity

      Or send the ACTUAL script or video, and claim liberal hoors Wonkette made it up.

      Hey Russkies! Two can play this disinformation game!

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    “we will spill their evil black blood”.

    Dog whistles are for fence sitters.

    • Who has fucking black blood? Vampires?

      Are we vampires?

      Bullets don’t work on vampires dana, you crazy fuckin dingleberry.

  • Phoenixdoglover

    I like this. Loesch is moar.

  • JohnBull

    As a teacher, I love being the enemy. It means I’m doing something right.

  • Anna Elizabeth

    Fucking Brilliant, Y’all. :D

  • SeeTrain65

    You know when something is good when you can’t tell whether or not it’s satire.

    • BMW

      Poe’s Law FTW.

  • anon_the_great

    And as the lights dimmed the Loathesome Leech screeched

    Mein Fuhrer, I CAN VALK!

  • AngryNotSoOldHippy .

    LOL! Yes. I find it amusing that Christanic Republican extremists still think that “Communist” and “faggot” are insults. :) It’s like the dumbfuck morons are still living in the 1960s.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Seems a little too restrained and subtle to me. A-

  • Daniel

    Trump still won’t say La David Johnson’s name. He is surprised by all that’s happened this week, but fails to note that a mere modicum of competence could have meant none of it would have happened.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      What is shocking to me is his staff didn’t bother to prepare him for this. Perhaps because they’ve given up trying to help him, he just does whatever crosses his toddler brain.

      • Raan

        “Did my paycheck clear? Well, fuck it then.”

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        Kelly said that he coached him. Either Trump has the memory of a goldfish, or he decided to improvise because he’s the smartest guy in the room.
        Besides Trump doesn’t put a lot of effort into conversations that aren’t about himself.

      • Daniel

        Which would be worse: that they haven’t prepared him, or that this is what he’s like when they have?

        • bbayliss

          He was prepared by Kelly and fucked it up.

        • shivaskeeper

          The second one. By far.

        • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

          It terrifies me that this is probably the best his entire fucking staff could do. Expecting any more is beyond their ability.

      • shivaskeeper

        I would lay money on they tried to prepare him. He didn’t get it, or more probably didn’t care.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Why would he pay attention to any briefing? He’s filled with resentment at the whole idea. Why should he have to waste his time on something that’s so far only brought him grief? He’s being victimized every second he has to spend pretending to care about this when he can hardly be bothered to even show up for the briefing. Presidenting is supposed to be all the grift you can take in, plus adulation for your every move. It’s supposed to be all rallies and cheers and meeting the Queen and being able to shove the president of Montenegro out of your way because you’re bloody well more important. It’s not supposed to be getting criticized and having people do surveys where you’re less popular than gum surgery. After all, a black guy did it – how hard could it be?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Last sentence captures his mindset very close to perfection.

        • Ellie

          Don’t forget the people of Paris, pouring into the streets on Bastille Day, only because Dinky Digits was dining with Macron.

      • wait! what?

        His staff is small and inadequate.

        • shivaskeeper

          That’s not his staff. That’s his hands and his peen.

        • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

          His rod also, too

          • I find no comfort in that.

          • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

            I’ve found that if I use more lube it is much more comfortable

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            Well played.

          • Mildred Broxon

            Has anyone considered the strife and pain that would have been avoided had primates been blessed with bacula (penis bones)? None of this swaggering and threatening. They could always get it up. So could all the other guys. Non-issue.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        They are busy preparing for his total meltdown. The more they let him run free the easier it will be to remind him.

    • He wanted it to happen. Trump likes confrontation and incompetence.

      Definitely on some kind of medication for something, and it’s clearly not working very well.

    • shivaskeeper

      This whole thing was self inflicted from the start. All he had to do was have a staffer write a condolence letter, sign it, and then have the staffer send it. No one outside the family would have questioned any of it. No one outside them would have even known about it, although that in itself could be a problem, since I don;t see Two Scoops doing anything without getting praise heaped on his head.

      A president has the prerogative to call the family of a fallen Soldier, but not the obligation to.

      Too me, the start of this whole particular shit show, was Two Scoops making a death he likely didn’t care about one way or another and trying to make it all about how great he, personally, is. It was attacking Obama as a distraction from whatever the original question was, and tossing in the other Presidents for some cover. It was another in a long line of bad calculations that blew up in his face. Unfortunately, just all the previous times this has happened, he has people willing to step up and take the blame for it.

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        A simple statement early on acknowledging the deaths and expressing remorse would have scuppered the whole thing. The level of incompetence and sheer stupidity of this administration is gob-smacking. They are running the country, to borrow an analogy from Hunter Thompson, “like a gang of junkies trying to send a rocket to the moon to check out rumors the craters were full of smack.”

        • shivaskeeper

          That simple statement would in no way have elevated Trump. In fact in acknowledging the losses, it may have even implied he made a mistake. That was never going to happen.

          Where this all started to go south was trying to make SGT Johnson’s death all about himself and how great he was.

          • Edith Prickly

            And then it turned into the usual pissing match with reality when the rest of the world pointed out how crass he was being. In Trump’s mind, he can do no wrong.

          • shivaskeeper

            There was no other outcome that could have happened. You cannot take another person’s death and that family’s grief and turn it into a narrative about you and not have it pointed out how crass and boorish you are.

          • C4TWOMAN

            You’ve hit on one of the many problems.. it’s not enough to just do the job, he’s got to be lauded. Like a two year old being praised for going poopie.
            If he just does the job, then he’s just like everyone else and not special. And there is zero risk/benefit calculations to break this process.

      • Dg Hacket

        All he really had to do is care

        • shivaskeeper

          Not even that. Send the standard letter out. Caring is optional.

    • Rags

      Let’s start calling him ‘La Donald.”

      • Kneeling Bozilingus

        That would just dishonor Sgt. Johnson.

        • theCryptofishist

          I’m sure that it’s the “La” that’s the chocking point. He probably couldn’t stop saying “David Johnson.”

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    It’s only funny because they’d never do
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    sorry, couldn’t finish that thought.

  • Raan

    Ja, ja, blut und boden, sturm und drang.

    https://youtu.be/gzdWPwVTWsI

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    me and bastard cat gonna take a nap.

    see y’all later (and thanks for the upfists, like I said, I got no one to brag to except y ‘all).

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Get some rest, Sexy Space Tacos. :)

  • Ricky Gay

    Wow.
    Plagarize much?

    • Marion in Savannah
      • Ricky Gay

        “research!”

      • Ellie

        Haven’t heard that in ages.It’s a good one. I do think of him often these days, and sing to myself, “We’ll all go together when we go…”

    • SeeTrain65

      She plagiarized virtually all of it.

  • Hmm, I was just thinking… it’s probably not a good thing when a very powerful organisation like the NRA becomes absolutely batshit insane.

    That’s the craziest manifesto I’ve ever read.

    Fuck that, I’d be leaving if I lived in the USA, too much danger.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      The thought has crossed my mind.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Brilliant! ___ But all that was missing was the required opening:

    “____________________and Dana Leech’ was talking….

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BQcpj7ACMAAHRp4.jpg

  • WomanInThePersistence

    No DSFB post today?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Is the good Dok trippin’ with the hep cats? Hopefully we’ll get one.

  • DainBramage

    Wonder Woman’s lasso would get a more succinct statement, “Carnage is good for business.”

  • TundraGrifter

    MUST CREDIT WONKETTE!

  • The Librarian

    Well played, sir! However, aren’t you a wee bit concerned that you are able to sound so much like the sociopathic Ms. Loesch?

    • shivaskeeper

      I channel RWNJs on occasion when I try to go full Poe. All you have to do is think of the worst possible way to say or do something, Take a quick Silkwood shower when you are done, and all is good.

      • The Librarian

        I’m impressed that you can do that. :D

  • btwbfdimho
    • I hear he’s been doing good stuff lately

      • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

        A lot of people are saying so!

        • theCryptofishist

          Love the gold chain.

    • AndreWaters20

      Isn’t the guy on the right the guy from Vice who smokes weed and watches Ancient Aliens?

  • Scooby

    What, no mention of everyone being Benghazied?

  • wait! what?

    Their corrupted fangs lust for the soft flesh of your truth. They are in your basement.

    I live in the Alamo, so…

    • Marion in Savannah

      No basements here — dig down too far and there’s the water table. (Or if you’re unlucky enough to have one, as a former neighbor did, it’ll flood every time it rains.)

  • Browncoat Krieger IRL

    I think I remember a song about this from the Christian radio station…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I heard it and I ran 30 red lights in His name.

      • Kneeling Bozilingus

        Did Jesus take the wheel from you? Because I heard He wasn’t a very good driver.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lydBPm2KRaU

        • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

          It’s the holes in the hands and feet. Makes it hard to grip the wheel or depress the brakes.

          • Kneeling Bozilingus

            I thought the blood oozing from the holes made gripping the wheel difficult.

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            Once it starts to dry and gets sticky it works better.

          • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

            Tomatoe tomato!

          • TootsStansbury

            Don’t even think about the gear shift.

          • Mildred Broxon

            Also, no driver’s ed in First Century AD Palestine.

  • chascates

    And the living will envy the dead.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    Am I a bad libtard if I’m too lazy to stalk anybody or give a shit about their families?

    • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

      All us libtards are lazy; it’s why we all are on welfare, medicaid and food stamps instead of having jobs.

      • jesterpunk

        We also at the same time control Hollywood and are rich enough to pay people to protest.

        • Christopher Story

          Shrodingers Liberal

          • Kneeling Bozilingus

            Needs moar umlauts.

        • theCryptofishist

          Weinstein was one of us, but he forgot to tithe back. That’s why we took him down.

      • Khavrinen

        Don’t forget “only doing it because Soros pays us to”, and “part of the conspiracy to control international banking.”

  • Sophia

    Donald Trump Is Rush-Shipping Condolences to Military Families
    Three families of fallen servicemembers received next-day UPS letters from President Trump after a turbulent week in which Trump falsely claimed he had called “virtually all” of the families.

    https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/10/donald-trump-is-rush-shipping-condolences-to-military-families/543606/

    • Mahousu

      So how many of them were addressed to “Occcupant”?

      (Yes, I know, AOT,K.)

      • Is COD still a thing?

        • theCryptofishist

          I’m not sure. But cod almost isn’t.

      • Pisto75666

        But he was so nice! He said each name out loud (after he was told them) before he mailed them.

    • Rags

      And he didn’t use US Postal Service overnight delivery – Sad. Weak. Unpatriotic.

      • theCryptofishist

        He loves business and doesn’t want to postpone the death of a corrupt, inept government agency for one minute.

  • Beyonce is in my basement? Oooohhhh any chance of Ms Lawless and that shirt too?

  • Ellie

    I love this so much!

  • WIDTAP

    10 points off for not including the phrase “with votes”

    • Jonny On Maui

      The NRA only plays by their own terrorist rules…

  • Rags

    and then the murders began.

    • SDGeoff3

      As they are inclined to do.
      Minus 10 points.

  • Skaarphy

    Bloody awesome.

  • Bright Bart

    The fishhead of irony has penetrated my acorn of WTF

  • rocktonsam

    She forgot Obama but get points for “black blood,”

    • TundraGrifter

      Captain Ahab libulz!

  • andyshelt

    Meanwhile, the boy scouts are ok with inviting Trump to give an highly inappropriate speech to their members but have kicked out an 11 year old boy scout who had the temerity to ask a Colorado GOP gun nut the following question:

    “I was shocked that you co-sponsored a bill to allow domestic violence offenders to continue to own a gun,” he said. “… Why on earth would you want someone who beats their wife to have access to a gun?”

    Fuck these hypocrites.

    https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/oct/22/cub-scout-kicked-out-of-group-colorado-republican-vicki-marble

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I have copied the Guardian article and plan to print it and put a copy in my wallet. The next time any Boy/Cub Scout group is selling popcorn or other crap outside the stores in my area I will give them the article and tell them that’s why I now refuse to donate to the cause. I was in scouting as were all of our kids. No more support.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        I don’t want to punish a troop of little kids in SoCal for something adults in Utah did. I do hate their popcorn though. It’s overpriced and I’ve spend enough on Dental work. They get a couple bucks and that’s it.
        I was a Girl Scout Cookie Mom. It sucks.

        • ahughes798

          I think it’s just out and out cruelty to make little kids beg and sell over-priced popcorn and cookies. The knock on effect is the parents of the children pester their co-workers to buy the shit. And then they get hit again at Christmas with pleas to buy over-priced wrapping paper. I’d support them if the troops got most of the money, but they don’t. So screw them.

          • SDGeoff3

            I go bananas at the local supermarket when I see children standing alone and hawking inferior chocolate bars to support their band. JFC that pisses me off.

          • ahughes798

            It should be against the law. You want to raise money, Boy Scouts USA, you go out and beg other adults for it. Making kids do your dirty work is reprehensible.

          • Rebel Scum with permit

            Since I actually volunteered to be head of a Girl Scout troop (and it’s hard to find parents who are willing to do it for the girls) I try to donate something, instead of buying the overpriced stuff. Cookie economics are brutal. You order the boxes you think you’ll be able to sell. If you don’t sell them- you bought them. At one point I had $3,000.00 worth of cookies sitting in a spare bedroom. Then you have to corral relatives and friends who walk out with boxes “to pay you later”.
            And yes you get pennies on the dollar. But if the kids want to go camping, or on troop outings, that’s the only way to pay for it. Unless you want to get the parents to pay, and some of my girls families were on TANF and food stamps. So don’t screw them. Don’t buy the overpriced crap, but donate a buck if you can afford it.

          • ahughes798

            I do give them my spare change, because I figure it goes directly to the troop. The only thing I think that should be done is that the organisation takes a way smaller cut. I think, like most big businesses, that the Scouts Organisations are rife with waste, fraud and abuse.

          • Rebel Scum with permit

            Actually it’s not so much the scouting organizations as it is the companies making those cookies, popcorn, and wrapping paper. They are laughing all the way to the bank.

          • ahughes798

            Good to know. Couldn’t a massive organisation like that get a better deal from different manufacturers?

      • TootsStansbury

        I think the Girl Scouts are still OK but it looks like the Boy Scouts have gone over to the Dark Side.

  • Bright Bart

    Also if ISIS, beyonce and Karl Marx are in my basement, they’d best be doing some laundry while down there. I’m running out of socks.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      They are the ones who steal individual socks from out your laundry.

      • ahughes798

        They’re the ones doing it now….but who’s been doing it for the last 50 years?

        • theCryptofishist

          Karl Marx has been active longer than that. He had his friend, Fred. Bakunin used to help out, also, too, but he’s a little odd to work with.

      • Bright Bart

        i knew it!

  • roberteye

    Fire DID “rain down from the sky” – on October 1, in Las Vegas, with big azz guns and bizillion bullets made possible for purchase by a madman by… God’s own NRA. Thanks Dana! Your work is done so why go on and on?

    • george lastrapes

      Thank God, no weapons were harmed!

    • Grokenstein

      Because there are so many people still alive! The work never ends!

  • azeyote

    wait a minute how can the omnipotent being be overthrown? also why hate on Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Gummo, and Zeppo Marx brothers movies just cause they have weird names –

    • theCryptofishist

      “Cosmopolitan.”

    • Grokenstein

      Those names are too immigrant-sounding. (Plus they played illegal immigrants in that one movie, Monkey Business, which is probably a reference to evolution, which is Of The Devil.) They should have changed those names. John, Joe, Jack and Jerry Smith. Doesn’t that just sound nicer? More American?

      • spherical

        Yep… like in the Bible…never understood why a bunch of Hebrews had names like Matthew, Mark, Luke and John…

    • rocktonsam

      They’re gods

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Has she finished moving? She was evidently being threatened by gun toting Liberals.

  • SKruetheratbassedarDs

    Who else to expect at Halloween but O’Vile, Mistress of the Dork?

  • Bemused

    As an education person, I object. We are NOT in their basement, it’s dark and full of spiders and we prefer to read while we wait for an opportune moment to attack.

    • theCryptofishist

      In the spare room, only we had to bring our own light bulbs, because those 40 watters were not cutting it.

  • 3FingerPete

    These NRA ads deserve the bad lip reading treatment.

  • Austin Bowles

    I love you guys but can only afford to send $20 per month. Please review my account since I think somebody misunderstood the level of my current poverty. Thanks.

    • NotALiar

      If this is legit, I’d suggest sending an email. They might not see this! If it’s a joke that flew over my head I’m sorry!

  • President in Exile Firefly

    It’s lost something in the translation from the original German.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    If you go to the dentist regularly, you won’t get corrupted fangs.

    • SDGeoff3

      That depends on the dentist. I know.

  • george lastrapes

    Whataboutism rears its ugly head, which is indistinguishable from its ass-end:
    Piss off a gun nut, the lives of your schoolchildren are threatened with semi-automatic weapons. Piss off a liberal, you can forget about that invitation to the wine-tasting.
    See, they’re both the same.

    • theCryptofishist

      All this is altered by the Wine Country fires. I’m just saying.

      • george lastrapes

        Any insensitivity from me was unintentional. Lovely country, lovely people. They’ve surely got my thoughts and prayers.

        • theCryptofishist

          I was not saying it in that sense. For 10 days or so, when I went outside I smelt smoke and saw smoke. According to Google maps, I live 52 miles from Santa Rosa, so 40 as the crow flies? Wildfire is kind of primal to me, because of one we had when I was six. Also, I was near the fire area in the Oakland firestorm… And, it’s changed things. A lot of what’s there will now be different, although the eternal verities remain eternal.

          tldr: Disaster and fire fascinate me, you gave me an opportunity to express that, and it sucks to be one of the persons affected, so yeah, thoughts.

  • azeyote

    people were warned not to eat the brown acid –

    • TundraGrifter

      The pellet with the poison’s
      In the chalice from the palace.
      The flagon with the dragon
      Has the brew that is true.

      • theCryptofishist

        Aha! Wonkette is a secret nest of the King’s Jester fans. I suspect plans. Deep, treasonous plans.

        • TundraGrifter

          Who will stop the rain?

    • SDGeoff3

      I never did.

      • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

        Well. Not the *brown* acid anyway.

  • CatDog

    mmmmmm … ‘soft flesh of my truth’! If someone here is willing to touch it – just once – i will reciprocate. It’ll only take you a few seconds, but I’ll remember it for the rest of my life.

    • Hemp Dogbane

      You’re also supposed to say you’re friends with Robert Downey, Jr.

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish
  • Husband Of Mrs God

    I should have caught on when you mentioned Groucho Marx. He is too deeply, grotesquely, viciously evil even for this.

  • BadKitty904
  • Angela Ruzzo

    This ad makes me think of the phrase used by Supreme Court Justice Stewart to describe his threshold test for obscenity – “I know it when I see it.” I know a call to commit murder and violate the Constitution when I see it (aka terrorism).

    • WebAnt

      Meanwhile the FBI is talking about Black Identity Extremists, a made up term, to avoid dealing with dangeros right wing extremist groups or distract attention from them. It will use BIEs as an excuse to crack down on all blacks who protest against systemic racism which is fueled by white supremacy, whether they are peaceful or not. Black Lives Matter leaders, who.advocate for peaceful protests, were being hauled in and questioned even before Obama left office. I can only imagine what the FBI is doing under a bigot like Trump, but the media has called it out so maybe agents will not abuse AAs like they did MLK and others.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I hope so too, but I doubt it. I wonder what term they use to describe BIE’s in private…too bad we can’t surreptitiously record them discussing the issue.

  • TootsStansbury

    You had to have been in a darkened room with a flashlight under your chin when you wrote this.

    • HazooToo

      I read the word “flashlight” wrong. Really, really wrong.

      • NotALiar

        I’m trying to think of the word you saw.. fleshlight maybe?

        • HazooToo

          That would be correct. Somehow it doesn’t have the same horror factor!

          • SweetJeebus

            I dunno, I find the idea of him furiously penning an NRA-screed with a fleshlight under his chin in a darkened room frightening as hell…

          • HazooToo

            Point! Is Alex Ruthrauff a Ballchinian? Tune in next week to find out!

  • Kurt Weil

    I thought it was “Marx Movies” and then I thought of Duck Soup and then

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4OJGdtRx10

  • Okay Alex Ruthrauff, I get that the bird looking thing under there is how you follow you on Twitter, but what is the penis looking thing you’re holding in your hand in your profile pic? Is that the dick of some hapless right-good god-fearing Nazi racist 2nd Amendment type that you stalked, sunk your fangs into, and cut off?

    • Alex Ruthrauff

      Yep, it’s a penis! No, actually, one of my few hobbies is mushroom foraging. That’s a much-prized morel mushroom.

      • Is it called a morel mushroom because he looks like you’re holding you penis when you hold it?

  • Mike Steele

    You may have written it, but she’ll be more than happy to read it.

  • pixeloid

    Even though you claim to have written it, I’m pretty sure their next video will sound a lot like this. Their propaganda is getting crazier by the day.

  • george lastrapes

    I think Ms. Loesch has given up the secret of zombies: it’s not that they want brains, they don’t want US to have brains.

  • Ronda

    Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
    On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    !da302d:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleNetJobsIndexWorkFromHome/more/cash ★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫:::::!da302lh

  • Major_Major_Major

    I figured Alex must have written this as the rhetoric seemed a bit mild for today’s NRA.

  • Opiwan

    So point on the doll where the monsters munched on your soft flesh of truth…

  • Fusilier 0770

    Jesus Christ! If that isn’t an attempt to spur for a call for action to violence, I don’t know what is. To the already emotionally compromised, that reads: “grab your gun and go kill a commie for Christ.” Time to reinforce the Hillary Secret Service detail and Beyonce better augment her private security as well because that is some incendiary fodder for the already unhinged. Since its not been aired, I think even the NRA is like, “maybe that’s a bit over the top.”

    • You should ice that burn

      Satire..it’s a thing.
      Wonkette has obtained* *I wrote it

      • Mildred Broxon

        Thank Set!

    • Fusilier 0770

      Doh! Missed the critical last sentence. I’m a dumbass and I’ll see myself out.

  • Mildred Broxon

    Gawd. You did say you wrote it, i.e. this is not for actual real, correct?
    “Their corrupted fangs lust for the soft flesh of your truth.”
    Wow! And they say the Gothic novel is dead!

    • toughsister

      “Corrupted fangs”? What is that, exactly? Severe tooth infections?

  • Jgb979

    Sounds even better in its original 1936 German translation

  • Ed Farmingtoner

    She is sooo hot.. I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes.

  • JParkerSD46

    Yeah, *you wrote it*, but I’ll bet you can get the NRA to pay you for it. That’s their kind of rhetoric.

  • whitroth

    Gee, just like I say about my Favorite Newspaper…the Weekly World News: they come by their stories the honest way: they make them up.

    Hey, it’s not just Marx, it’s Mark, that salivating for your flesh… or maybe it’s lusting for GUN CONTROL LAWS, to take them away from nutcases…

    i remain,
    mark-ist

  • UpstateNYObserver

    Yes, I realize it’s satire but damn I do think they’d really believe that shit if they read it. Especially considering some the bile that has spewed from Dana’s mouth.

  • Weird Fishes

    Bravo, scary man and his Words of Glory.

Previous articlePotato Chip Cookies. NO, SERIOUSLY!
Next articleSundays With The Christianists: Give Jesus-Comics This Halloween To Be The Worst House On The Block