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Attorney General Jefferson Cracker Barrel Sessions appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee on Wednesday, and boy howdy, it was fun. (We know, it’s Friday, and we’re just getting to it now. WE WERE BUSY.) OK actually no it really wasn’t fun. Sessions made news when he said he’d be open to jailing journalists, to which we reply, “Oh fuck you, you little racist troll doll from the slave state section of hell.”

What we noticed about the hearing, though, is that Sessions seems halfway vaguely sentient (grading on a curve, of course) when he’s talking about literally anything besides his contacts with Russia. When he talks about deportin’ them Messicans or What About Black On Black Crime, his little elfin face lights up because racism is his favorite.

But ask the man about Russia? Well dadgummit, his poor little brain just shuts off! To be fair, Sessions really didn’t seem to be in the mood to answer any questions (WaPo has a good round-up of all the questions he didn’t answer), but his thin little lips really closed up tight when he was asked about anything that might suggest he’s complicit in Donald Trump’s obstruction of justice in the Russia investigation or about his own possible collaboration with Russians during the Trump campaign.

The most fun part of the hearing was when Al Franken questioned Sessions. Remember when Kamala Harris got poor Jefferson Butterscotch all flustered and nervous, because she was talkin’ too fast? This was like that, only Al Franken-style.

You see, long ago during Sessions’s confirmation hearing, he flat out lied to Franken about his Russian contacts, in response to a question Franken did not ask. After news came out that yes, Old Butterbeans had met with the Russian ambassador several times, Sessions suddenly recalled those meetings but claimed they had nothing to do with the campaign. It was just for sex, we guess.

Well NOW, Jeff Sessions doesn’t remember AT ALL what those Russian ambassador meetings were about, and he’s rootin’ tootin’ mad at Franken for rudely asking him about it.

Here’s a video:

Franken told THE WHOLE STORY about Sessions and his ever-changing excuses, with names and dates and times, and noted that Sessions keeps moving the goalposts on what the “truth” is. A sample:

FRANKEN: First it was “I did not have communications with Russians,” which was not true. Then it was “I never met with any Russians to discuss any political campaign,” which may or may not be true. Now it’s “I did not discuss interference with the campaign,” which further narrows your initial blanket denial about meeting with the Russians. Since you have qualified your denial to say that you did not “discuss issues of the campaign with Russians,” what in your view constitutes “issues of the campaign”?

Reasonable question, no?

Not for Jeff Sessions! You see, he is a dumb old white man who gets his back up somethin’ FIERCE when he feels like he’s being accused of doing something improper, so he had to reclaim his tattered dignity:

SESSIONS: Well lemme just say this without hesitation, that I conducted no improper cam- — or discussions with Russians at any time regarding a campaign or any other item facing this country. I wanna say that first! That’s been the suggestion that you’ve raised and others! That there was somehow we had conversations that were improper. That’s number one!

At this point Franken tried to cut in because that’s not what he fucking asked. But OH NO, Jeff Sessions had more WORDS TO POOP FROM HIS YOKEL FACE SLIT:

SESSIONS: No no no, you had a long time, Senator Franken! I’d like to respond!

After Franken noted that Ted Cruz (ugh) had gone two minutes over his time, therefore he didn’t want his time eaten up by Jeff Sessions filibustering with his Deliverance banjo bullshit, Sessions got his little dumbass back up even further:

SESSIONS: No, Mister Chairman, I don’t have to sit in here and listen to his, uh, charges without having a chance to respond. GIMME A BREAK!

Sessions then explained for many more minutes that Franken was being mean, still not answering any questions about why his Russian stories keep changing. After his soliloquy, Franken noted to Chairman Chuck Grassley that Sessions had just wasted a whole bunch more of his time, to which Sessions protested, “I DIDN’T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS SENATOR FRANKEN TOOK!”

When Franken finally got to talk again, he focused on Sessions’s testimony to Senator Pat Leahy in the same hearing, specifically that Sessions now CANNOT RECALL what he talked to the Russian ambassador about:

FRANKEN: You said, “I didn’t have … communications with the Russians.” … You had THREE communications with [then Russian ambassador Sergey] Kislyak. And now you can’t recall … whether you discussed what you discussed with Kislyak.

SESSIONS: What I would say to you is … you go and make a lot of allegations, Senator, it’s hard for me to respond in the time I’ve got!

FRANKEN, TO GRASSLEY: CAN I HAVE A LITTLE MORE TIME? BECAUSE THIS MAGIC RACIST ELFIN SHITHEAD OVER HERE STONEWALLS LIKE NOTHING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

OK maybe that was not Franken’s exact quote.

Franken went through the litany again, and Sessions finally answered his question, just kidding he filibustered more. Sure seems like the little white supremacist cocktail weenie has something to hide!

SESSIONS: So he gets to do about ten minutes of improperly framing this subject and I’m given a short chance to respond?

Sessions ultimately insisted he is a VERY GOOD BOY, answered exactly zero of Al Franken’s questions, and ended with a few verses of “Old MacDonald Had A Farm” until UH OH TIME’S UP!

It was a very productive hearing.

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  • Sashineb
  • Mr. Blobfish

    He looked wrinklier then usual. The stress of going to prison must be getting to him.

  • eggs ackly-wright

    That was a real squirmish alright. What a fucking weasel.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Just doin’ his master’s bidding.

  • ArgieBargie

    Franken 2020!

    • Creepoman

      Worst bum wine ever!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Ok, for lulz, he needs to find a Stein to run with, and obvs. not That One.

      • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

        I have a beer stein on my mantle.

      • Arolpin

        And not that fuck Ben either.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Obvs. II

      • Antonin Dvorak

        NC has a up and coming Dem AG named Josh Stein.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Must vet now!

  • Crystalclear12

    I can’t watch the hearings, blood pressure issues, doncha know.

  • Skeptical_thinker

    Franken/Harris 2020

  • folderol

    (tune of People)

    Sessions,
    featuring Jeff Sessions
    Are the most cantankerous sessions, in the world

    Like children, fighting other children
    Franken will tan your hide
    About facts that you tried to hide
    It’s as if you would ever lie,
    Jeff Sessions

  • Zonath

    Jeff Rommel Tojo Beuregard Sessions DCLXVI must be a hoot going through the drive thru at Chik-Fil-A:

    “Do you want any fries with that?”

    Sessions: “Now hold up, I say, hold up just one minute here. You seem to be accusing me of doing something improper, and I wanna say first that I did not have sexual relations with that man, Sergei Kisliyak! Nor did he neglect to call me the next morning! …”

    • TheoLib

      A masterful comment! All the different references are perfectly put together. I’m rusty on my Roman numerals, so I had to look up DCLXVI. (For those like me, Wikipedia: “The Roman numeral for 666, DCLXVI, has exactly one occurrence of all symbols whose value is less than 1000 in decreasing order …”)

  • Shrieking Harpy

    This racist cocktail weenie belongs on a toothpick. On a bed of wilted parsley. Under the heat lamps. At a sad cocktail party. (With votes, of course.)

    • ImGoingBacon

      next to the salted rat dicks.

      • SDGeoff3

        Uh-oh. This can only go in one direction…

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

    It’s a shame it was only a metaphorical kick in the nuts.

    • Eileen Besse

      Yet the nuts may be metaphorical themselves….

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Senate decorum and all that.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • eggs ackly-wright

    “But if you try to stop me from burning up all the available time complaining about the questions, I might have to answer them. Give me a break!”

  • BigCSouthside

    I had forgotten about our little Grand Elf of the Ku Keebler Klan

    It’s friday, he still on trump’s shit list?

  • Spurning Beer

    Jefferson Biscuits Sessions III was too racist to be a federal judge, but he is apparently just racist enough to be a senator from Alabama, or a Republican attorney general.

    Wonder what he would do if her were introduced to a Russian of color.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Scratch a Russian, find a Tatar.

    • Arolpin

      I’m not sure that there are any Russians of color. Sure, there are people of African descent living in Russian, but I don’t think they are considered Russian in any sense.
      I have a friend whose ex-wife was the daughter of a man from some former Russian puppet state in Africa, who was selected to go to some very good college in Moscow. Apparently the racism was appalling, and while they were allowed to attend classes and live in the dorms, it was very clear that it was a temporary thing, and that they were being tolerated at best. After graduation, even though he married a Russian woman, he was not allowed to work in Russia. Whichever country he was from was still technically part of the British Empire, so he moved the family to London to raise them, because he could at least work there. (He ended up moving back to his home country to take a senior position in a new, western-oriented government, and unfortunately died of AIDS early in the African AIDS crisis.)

    • georgiaburning

      The Soviets had “nationality” as a cover for racism. You were listed as Jewish, Polish, Russian or whatever in the records. Never ANY discrimination, no siree, never.

    • Bobathonic

      White Russians or Black Russians?

      • Historicat

        Whatever – just make it a double.

  • BadKitty904

    It’s always fun to watch Republicans squeal like the traitorous pigs they are when anyone ELSE tries to frame the narrative…

    • shivaskeeper

      They are used to being the only ones who are allowed to frame it. Dems ALWAYS play defense to the GOPers narratives. Always. Any other way of things happening is against what they see as the natural order of things.

      • BadKitty904

        Which is precisely WHY the Dems need to get off their asses and start aggressively playing offense. It’s not like the GOP isn’t handing them golden opportunities on an hourly basis.

        • shivaskeeper

          Preaching to the choir little brother.

          • BadKitty904

            IKR?

            (and i like “little brother” – thank u) :0)

    • PubOption

      And nobody is even suggesting buttrape.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Now, I’m trying to unthink that.

        • PubOption

          ‘Deliverance’ reference.

      • SDGeoff3

        Not yet, anyway.

  • Daniel

    The men in this administration are terribly fragile, aren’t they?

    • BadKitty904

      Especially when accused of the crimes they committed.

      • Daniel

        Also too this week Steve Bannon decided that “the establishment” had declared war on him and people who like him, barely two weeks after he bombastically announced he was declaring war on that establishment. It’s crucial to their self-image that they be both heroes and perennial victims.
        Like the Nazis used to think.

        • BadKitty904

          Reich-wing hacks know that faux-martrydom pay$ well.

    • shivaskeeper

      Very few, if any, of the men in this administration would qualify as men under the criteria they use to judge manhood.

      • SDGeoff3

        Their hands?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Snowflakes all. Fragile snowflakes. Exceptionally fragile snowflakes that melt at 33 degrees F.

    • Mormos

      low stamina, sad

    • Red Bird

      All white men are. One must always be careful to never step on their feelings of superiority or they will elect an idiot as President.

      • Noxious Resistance

        *ahem* No, not all.

        • Red Bird

          Sure. But if the recent election is any indication, the “not all” is a small group.

  • Scooby

    Time should only be for questions. Not answers as well.

    • BearGHAZI

      That’s too logical and prudent to ever be the way it works

  • Bill D. Burger
  • bbayliss

    Oh, to be a fly on the wall when Muehler questions him.
    He’s so easily flustered.

    • SDGeoff3

      He’s toast.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Was he this much of a whiner when he was the one asking the questions?

  • BadKitty904
    • Rocket Pony Ron

      He’d never have made General despite what he believes in this black little heart.

      • Bobathonic

        It wasn’t always about merit back then. Kinda like now.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Questioning ‘Butterscotch’ Sessions is hardly Werthers the effort.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    And to add to his dismay, being aggressively questioned this way by a JEW!

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Villago Delenda Est

    The Keebler elf is an embarrassment to all elves, everywhere. No wonder he’s no longer allowed anywhere near the hollow tree.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      He has connections to the Rivendell Six, does he not?

  • BreakingDeadMen

    There has to be some way to get this little prick to say his name backwards and disappear

  • bbayliss
    • Shrieking Harpy

      He’s more like Willie Weasel.

    • eggs ackly-wright

      See the violence inherent in the system?

  • jesterpunk

    Its a good thing Franken didnt laugh at Sessions or the snowflake would have tried to arrest him.

    • kaydenpat

      That was something else. What is this country coming to?

  • Bill D. Burger
    • BadKitty904
    • kaydenpat

      And we’re supposed to just nod our collective heads and say that that is not suspicious at all.

    • calliecallie

      I like that the meme has a pee-hued tint to it.

      • coozledad

        Jeff Session’s remembers his first cup of Twining’s Tea.

        ” I was on the front porch gettin a rubdown by the Russian amb….I was at a tractor pull watchin’ my cousin changin’ a tire! He ain’t even a Russian!”

      • Querolous

        Seepia.

        • calliecallie

          See-Pee-ia

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    SESSIONS: No, Mister Chairman, I don’t have to sit in here and listen to his, uh, charges without having a chance to respond. GIMME A BREAK!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/042f95b248360b3b25270ffb53a30c6cb7c6de536119527ad38af8afad2c0aac.jpg

    • Daniel

      “You are here specifically to answer those charges, dimwit. The whole point is that you respond- just please respond to the actual charges and not this fantastic tissue of bullshit you’re pulling out of your little elfy hat.”

  • Proud Liberal

    Me thinks Sessions doth protest too much for being an innocent man.

    • BadKitty904

      Well, it’s sure not like this is the first time Beau Secessions has perjured himself before Congress…

    • kaydenpat

      He’s not innocent. Hence the defensiveness. Hope Mueller gets him.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Querolous

      How Dee!

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Proud Liberal

    thou doth protest too much
    Overly insistent about something, to the point where the opposite is most likely true.
    Someone emphatically stating how much one hates gossiping, that one would never engage in this sort of behavior. This implies that, “thou doth protest too much” and may in fact be a gossip.

  • BadKitty904
    • Oblios_Cap

      He’s more like the other elf (creature?) in the Potter movies. you know, the crotchety old one in Sirius Black’s household.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Kreacher. Who turned out to be a good egg in the end, making fantastic French Onion soup for Harry, Hermione, and Ron.

      • BadKitty904

        Point taken.

  • Rebel Scum with permit
  • Bill D. Burger

    Trump has told Lil’ Jeffy that on his next trip to Mar a Lago, he won’t have to be the greeter at the door. He’s found a new station for his AG.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d78a4b8cbf9866a3a55a2d96c90f29860315a70646d9242f8cb305ae1eadcc51.jpg

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    That boy shoulda had a whole bunch more trips behind the woodshed with his daddy and a hickory switch.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    For some reason Jeffie Secessions gets under my skin more that anyone else in the Dolt maladministration. He’s a craven little bully without benefit of scruples or ethics. He has consistently fought to use the law to oppress, not empower. I really hope he had his hand in the russian fuckery and gets to go to jail.

    • Daniel

      He’s this régime’s Roland Freisler or Andre Vyshinsky. He’s empowered by the ruler and will bully and abuse as long as he has that ruler to hide behind.

  • jesterpunk
  • WeaselPoo

    Frabken is aleays well prepared and focused but often too considerate of decorum and dignity. which would not be a fault were it not for the likes of pissant weasel s like Sessions. As Al knows these fuckers prefer to filibuster I’d day Al should talk faster and more simply and succinctly in asking his questions. to save and maximize his alloted time. And for Murgatroyd’s sake…DON’T. ask the weasrl what they think!!! You know what they think already. Kust ask Who What When Where How and lastly Why, when the latter should prompt a corroborating or damning fact.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      He’s not an attorney. I think that’s why Harris may have had an easier time rattling Sessions.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • MynameisBlarney
  • Bill D. Burger
  • ManchuCandidate

    https://shermanave.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/screen-shot-2013-05-31-at-11-14-20-am.png

    And that’s why you always leave a note when doing “light” treason.

    You are so fucked Kkkeebler Elf.

    • Blackest Noobs

      he is not fucked, nor is Trump, they will and are getting away with it.
      the proper conventions should have outed them and removed them.
      those conventions have failed us and in all reality left us one recourse, though that means getting off our lazy asses and getting bloody.

      • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

        I cannot upfist this non-comment, but when the shit hits the fan it’s going to be in self-defense.

        • Blackest Noobs

          all i can say this has happened before, it will happen again.

  • kaydenpat

    There have been zero consequences for Sessions’ lies so far. That should be the story.

    • bbayliss

      I thought perjury was a crime.
      I thought lying to congress was a BIG crime

      • BadKitty904

        Unless you’re a Republican lying to a Republican Congress, apparently.

      • Nockular cavity

        Hey, I thought collaborating with hostile foreign powers to subvert the American government was a crime, but I guess not.

    • Proud Liberal

      Lying to the Senate used to be a crime. I guess not anymore.

      • bbayliss

        great minds?

      • kaydenpat

        Supposed to be but anything goes under this regime.

      • Boscoe

        It will be again, just as soon as it’s a Democrat they’re grilling.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • MynameisBlarney

    Robert Reich: Turmp voters in KY and TN.

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029731808

    • Proud Liberal

      Cold comfort now.

    • HazooToo

      3. Every one of them told me they regret voting for him (“never would
      have if I’d have known what an as*hole he is,” one told me).

      IF ONLY MORE THAN 65 MILLION PEOPLE HAD FUCKING TOLD THEM HE WAS A FUCKING ASSHOLE!

    • BigCSouthside

      All I see there is “I want alll the stuff the democrats are pushing for, but I still want to be able to keep the gays and brown people as second class citizens”

  • Creepoman

    It’s funny, because this is like the end of modern democracy, at least in the U.S., and the whole process is governed by an egg timer.

    • Joe Beese

      There’s only so much you can fit into a three-day work-week.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      and how does this not qualify for an 11 hour grilling like HRC got?

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Everrett Fanuelli

    “Ah don’ hav tuh answa any questions from a JEEEEEEWWWWWW!”

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      You gotta KNOW that’s exactly what he was thinking.

  • Proud Liberal

    We all know Trump and his little minions colluded with Russia to win. Republicans don’t care and they actually helped them do it. All that matters to Republicans is money and power.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Guest Liberal

    Jeff’s a fucking liar! Jeff’s a FUCKING LIAR!!!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “My memory of meeting with the Russians is gone with the wind…it’s a lost cause for me to remember it…and I am tired of your Northern aggression.”
    — Jeff Sessions

  • Rocket Pony Ron

    At what point does the little Son of the South realise that all this just makes him look guilty as hell?

    • Proud Liberal

      He doesn’t care. Nobody’s going to charge him with anything.

      • Bobathonic

        And he has a pardon waiting.

  • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

    >>What we noticed about the hearing, though, is that Sessions seems halfway vaguely sentient (grading on a curve, of course) when he’s talking about literally anything besides his contacts with Russia. When he talks about deportin’ them Messicans or What About Black On Black Crime, his little elfin face lights up because racism is his favorite.<<

    that's because, where jeffy-bo is from, and in white america, you can mostly get away with being a lifelong racist…but (in al pacino 'scent of a woman' not-a-snitch righteous thunder-voice)…Ya Cant Get Away With Being A Traitor!

    • georgiaburning

      That’s some progress since 1865

  • Roadstergal

    There are people out there who are intelligent and evil. Sessions is dumb evil.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Prevarication and obfuscation without a good show of umbrage and indignation is like a sundae without a cherry on top!

  • HazooToo
    • Creepoman

      Will no one speak up for the devastated hedge fund managers?

      • Oblios_Cap

        The Argentinians met some of those people you’re asking about. They’re still having trouble sitting down.

      • Graham Cracker

        When hedge fund managers loose their electricity and are drinking out of filthy contaminated streams, I will feel sorry for them—just a little!

    • Alan

      Too bad she can’t.

      • HazooToo

        Oh, she can call for it. It’s not going to happen, but she can make it clear as crystal that it is within our power to do the right thing, and make it obvious who deliberately decided not to!

        • Alan

          But it’s not within the power of anyone but the debtee to forgive the debt. The US government is not the holder of most of that debt. Of course, Puerto Rico could declare bankruptcy or the US could change the archaic laws that screw them.

          • HazooToo

            I look forward to seeing more from her, on this topic. It would be nice to find out if she has something specific planned that would amount to the same thing.

          • Bobathonic

            IIRC, PR legally cannot declare bankruptcy.

          • Alan

            Yeah, I know. But that could be changed by congress.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Rocket Pony Ron

      ‘Natalia Veselnitskaya? Doesn’t ring a bell.’

      • Boscoe

        Very common name. Could be anyone.

      • Querolous

        ” Veselnitskaya” can be very loosely translated as “Happy Place Person”

  • WhoCheckedRussia’sVoterID

    Answer the fucking question you lying motherfucker! You racist, cocksucking motherfucker. Answer the fucking question! Stop pissing on America. Do your fucking job you goddamn cunt.

    Sorry, an interface isn’t working at my work and I’m irritable. Don’t you cross me Jeff Sessions!

  • WeaselPoo

    Frodo: “Did you hear that Sam? We’re going to see the Elves!!
    Sam: “Including Jeff Sessions?”
    Frodo: “I fucking hate that you are with me right now”

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    You know what I really like?

    I really like that even Trump has stopped screeching “fake news” like the world’s dumbest parrot whenever Russian meddling is brought up.

  • TJ Barke

    It’s hard out there for a treason elf.

    • Aaron Wise

      It’s actually easy for this guy.
      He has no fear of retribution.

      • TJ Barke

        For now…

  • SDGeoff3
    • Msgr_MΩment

      Lindsey?

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Contempt of Congress should be the next motion after every Sessions filibuster reply… Every. Single. One. Move for a vote.

    • Aaron Wise

      That would require someone, or a group to step up to the plate and actually deliver.

      Sadly, it ain’t ‘gonna happen.

      Would cause a stir and controversy.

      SAfD

      • Beanz&Berryz

        True, the Contempt motion must go from the Committee… But can a Committee member publicly make a motion for a Contempt holding, for the Chair to then deny? Optics…

    • Antonin Dvorak

      They’d have to get the majority of the committee to agree. There aren’t an republicans that will do that.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        True… but having Franken call out the crap with a motion… if he could. The motion would fail, but the news would be made…

  • Bill D. Burger
  • MrTusks

    If I may paraphrase a card from the ol’ police brutality apologist deck, the easiest way to got get flustered during your Congressional hearing is to not commit crimes against the Union in the first place.

  • Joe Beese

    Other than the pleasure we would take in his embarrassment, there’s no practical difference between this performance and his taking the Fifth. Which he’s allowed to do.

    So, eh.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      I think there is a difference. I think he’s in contempt of Congress. He can avoid that by taking the Fifth.

      • Plus, it was really fun to see the little fucker squirm.

      • Joe Beese

        Who among us isn’t in contempt of Congress?

        • marxalot

          This Congress? They make it so damn easy!

        • Beanz&Berryz

          My mistake. Contempt of Congress: the act of obstructing the work of the United States Congress or one of its committees. It’s more than just a feeling…

  • Dept. of Space Tacos
    • Proud Liberal
      • Joe Beese

        Sometimes when I’m stuck on a business call with someone who threatens to keep complaining until I die of old age, I do Archie’s mime of hanging oneself as a dream of escape.

        • Arolpin

          I apologize for that. It’s actually a semi-workable way to force a problem to be solved. I often start off by explaining that I’ve been transferred 8 times, and everyone swears you can help me, so I’m going to trust them, even though they’ve lied to me 8 times already, so let’s get this solved.

    • jesterpunk

      Hey Fuckface what about the White right wing terrorist attacks here? Wait I forgot they are smart people.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Now he’s just making up stuff that Breitbart hasn’t already pulled out of its collective ass.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        Cutting out the middleman.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          As it turns out, it’s a British report that Donald has very seriously mangled up, confusing cause and effect. This according to the Brits who issued the report.

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            That sounds like Our Donnie alright. Confront a block of text, painstakingly decipher whatever he thinks will get him the most attention, then tweet it out.

    • Lyly Sirivong

      What report ?

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        IIKR? No link, no source, nothing.

        • cmd resistor

          He must have seen it on FOX this morning.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            of course.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      [citation needed]

    • Alan
    • Alan
  • Parakeetist

    Every day, this motherfucking government makes me want to drink early. Every single day.

    • Proud Liberal

      I would if I didn’t have to work.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        I’m not sure I follow you. What does the one have to do with the other?

        • Proud Liberal

          I would be drinking right now if I wasn’t at work. :-)

          • Alan

            He’s still not following.

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            What does being at work have to do with not drinking?
            (You can tell what kinds of jobs I’ve had.)

      • Weird Fishes

        It’s a scientific fact that day drinking makes every job better. Science and facts – can’t argue with that, amirite?

    • Alan

      If you don’t go to sleep it’s late.

  • Proud Liberal
  • marxalot

    Nail his feet to the floor until he answers the damn question. I’ll wait.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Sorry to go OT here, but I just got a new client which means I will be able to afford groceries for another year.

    • Proud Liberal

      Fantastic news! Congratulations!

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Congratulations! :D

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Excellent news!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Try the veal.

      • Mormos

        i hear soylent green is good

    • Alan

      Eat conservatively in case you don’t get a new client next year. But yay!

      • ibwilliamsi

        Eat conservatives? I heard they’re rancid and full of fat.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          All that personal responsibility makes them hard to chew.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            And pretty near impossible to keep down.

          • ibwilliamsi

            They make me gag…

          • ibwilliamsi

            Even harder to swallow.

        • Mormos

          fry them for bacon?

        • calliecallie

          I like them better when they’re pickled, er, in a pickle.

          • ibwilliamsi

            Aren’t they always?

        • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

          Don’t eat the yellow snowflakes

    • miss_grundy

      Woo-hoo!

  • WeaselPoo

    Saruman: “Do you know how the Orcs came into being? They were elves once…but then Jeff Sessions showed up and voila! Fucking Orcs! Any whoo…”

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Blackest Noobs

      people are saying they lost respect for Kelly; shit i lost respect when he accepted any position with the Trump Administration.

  • btwbfdimho

    Fake news from Chicago!
    Not really, actually, it looks like somebody sold a fake Renoir to the Master of the Art of the Deal…Sad!
    https://twitter.com/thehill/status/921358604124467201

    • Oblios_Cap

      I hope he paid 1,000 time ‘s more than the $500 it’s worth.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        ‘It’s really classy. He painted it on velvet.’

        • Weird Fishes

          I’ve got an original Mona Lisa painted on velvet. It’s a real panty-melter.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Definitely fake gnus. Trump’s never heard of Renoir.

      • Querolous

        DJT – “Ren Oyer? An obscure Welsh-Breton artist.”

    • Beanz&Berryz

      I had a poster like that in college… The thumbtacks finally pulled through the corners…

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      Oh boy do I have some art to sell him!

    • Guest Liberal

      Weird. The Russian donny bought that painting from swore it was the original.

      • Boscoe

        …after thumbing through a stack of the things.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      He was told it isn’t real, but persists in telling people it is. What a perfect illustration of his personality.

    • SomeBigRedDog

      He keeps it right next to his fake Time magazine covers.

    • Blackest Noobs

      also….who the fuck put up the painting, cuz it’s crookedly hung.

      • SomeBigRedDog

        Also, right at the edge of the wall? Who does that?

        • Blackest Noobs

          someone who is a shitty interior designer apparently.

        • PubOption

          He probably had it moved, to make sure it would be ‘in shot’ during the interview.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Hillary and/or the Media?

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          I doubt any claims that the Media is hung.

        • Blackest Noobs

          that’s the FakeMedia thank you very much!

      • Boscoe

        How could you tell? I was blinded by all the tacky gold paint and fake marble effects…

        • Blackest Noobs

          sure…but it too was a bit too obvious…and listen i usually don’t pick up things like that…you know painting hung wrong..that’s my wife’s dept ( she’s an interior designer)…im more good at picking out peeps carrying firearms too big for their pants.

          yeah wearing a bulky unyielding gun gonna so help you in a active shooter situation where seconds count.

    • btwbfdimho
      • Covfefe

        Donald is in the rough again?

        • aureolaborealis

          Right? TOTALLY FAKE!!! Trump’s helpers always find his ball for him, and it’s always clean, dry, and right in the middle of the fairway.

    • Aaron Wise

      Bought mine at a K-Mart in the ’80’s.
      Waited for months for that beauty to included in a Friday night “Blue Light Special”.

      I was out the door with this classic Renoir beauty AND a Slurpee for less than $1.50.

      P.S. Have never gone bankrupt once!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Melania gave him that to thank him for all those orgasms he gave her.

      • Rags

        as if

      • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

        ISWYDT

    • Covfefe

      Did the Art Institute mention that they sell copies of their paintings in the museum store?

  • OrG

    Sounds like perjury to me.

    • Aaron Wise

      Not unless charged.

    • Proud Liberal

      Who’s going to charge him? Certainly not the Republicans in Congress.

  • Oblios_Cap

    In the business world, there is a phrase that sums Jeffy Elf’s style perfectly:

    “If you can’t blind them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.”

    That is all.

    • Alan

      Ayup.

    • Proud Liberal

      That’s something he and Trump have in common.

  • Joe Beese

    Josh Marshall:

    Just what Kelly was saying wasn’t clear on first blush because he’s not a phony and a clown like President Trump – an unchurched libertine and draft dodger who wraps himself in traditionalism and military glory. If you’re eyes are open Trump is a joke against himself. Kelly is a bonafide general officer and combat veteran. When he speaks about military sacrifice we listen. We should. He speaks with some authority, from experience, unlike the President.

    But his script turned out to be pure MAGA, pure Trumpism, in some ways more potent because it was wrapped in a lifetime of service but still no less odious.

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/general-kellys-paean-to-maga

    • BadKitty904

      And, consequently, confirmed the utter destruction of any credibility Kelly has or will have, ongoing. He is an active and willing participant in the GOP’s treason.

      • Blackest Noobs

        none of them have any credibility, even a complete dunce can clearly see, Trump needs to go.

        siding with him only means you are A-OK with him.

        • BadKitty904

          Aiding and abetting a traitor should also be a crime, if it already isn’t…

          • Blackest Noobs

            i getcha, and it should, but it won’t.

          • BadKitty904

            Not as long as WE allow the Republicans to hold Congress, it won’t.

          • Blackest Noobs

            sure, but Trump should never have become President.
            and then given how much he fucked up, and has zero consequences, and people tend to be more conservative in their voting, i just don’t really see the tide shifting.

            sure sure there’s a lil here and lil there but it IS nowhere near enough.

          • BadKitty904

            So. We give up, abandon America, and move to Canada?

          • Blackest Noobs

            maybe…oh we have to wait it out. Like Bush Junior should have never had a 2nd term…but because of it, it made the electing Barry as President all the more likely.

            change in America moves like molasses but only accelerates when it pushes hard-right agendas….we are currently in the darkest time line of hard-right pushes.

          • BadKitty904

            My bigger concern is that – historically – real change in America has never taken place without violence. :0(

          • Blackest Noobs

            bingo.

          • BadKitty904

            I won’t avoid it, if it’s necessary. But I’d sure prefer that it be unnecessary.

          • Blackest Noobs

            but other thought, man oh man i would move to Canada in a fucking heartbeat.
            ive been done with these American Honkys years ago, decades in fact.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        The last adult has left the room…. And John Kelly is a fucking waste as a former General officer.

        Oh, and he’s a lying sack of shit, also too. His assertion about what the member of Congress said at the ceremony in Miami is crap. The funding for the building was assigned before she got to Congress.

        John Kelly is a Trump shit pile

        • Red Bird

          Makes me wonder if he was really upset with Trump’s response to Charlottesville.

        • miss_grundy

          She helped pass a bill that named the building after two FBI agents who died during a shootout at the Southland strip mall on U.S. 1 in Miami in the 1980s.

        • BadKitty904

          I’m glad he’s confirming that in public, tho, for all the world to see.

    • cheetojeebus

      Just b/c someone has done something honorable and selfless doesn’t mean he can’t then turn around and do something completely asinine and abjectly gutless and disgraceful. Kelly in my book will have more effect on our nation’s history for what he did badly than what he did honorably.

      • Covfefe

        Don’t we all? If not on world politics but in our own miserable lives? Or is that just Catholic school guilt showing through?

        • miss_grundy

          We have all done bad things in our lives but we all don’t wrap ourselves up in a military uniform or use the flag as an accessory. That he would come out in a presser and lie and make subtle racist and misogynist digs does not bring him any greater honor unless you happen to worship at Faux News.

      • Mormos

        any port in a storm?

    • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

      Saw that this morning. Fuck Kelly. He just lost all respect from this Marine.

    • Red Bird

      Russian Kompromat?

  • Oblios_Cap

    What ever happened to that poor woman that was charged with laughing at the little guy? That was a bullshit charge.

    • Proud Liberal
      • Shrieking Harpy

        I hope that his special place in hell is a room–no, a stadium–full of women laughing at him.

      • ibwilliamsi

        No doubt they’ll be watching and hassling her.

        I sat on Grand Jury for a month, and over and over the police would say, “I observed the subject in an infraction of the 50′ rule..” Finally we asked one, “What’s the 50′ rule?” He said, “The driver didn’t signal a lane change 50′ in advance.” Now, this was never about a driving infraction, it was usually drug, alcohol, theft, probation violation, but they always pulled them over with the 50′ rule which carries a $250 fine. We all responded, “Are you kidding?I do that all the time!” The officer said, “Do you see that book right there? It’s 2 inches thick of onion paper double columned traffic laws. You don’t know them all, but I do. And if I want to pull you over, I will.”

        If they want her, they’ll get her. They’ll traffic fine her out of house and home and it will be perfectly legal. They might find a way to run a civil forfeiture on her while they’re at it. Perfectly legal Facism.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          There are so many laws that the typical American breaks laws on a daily basis.

      • Lefty Wright

        I know this is probably not allowed in court, but it would be nice if the defense could point out that dozens of armed, threatening white terrorists took over a federally owned facility, tore it up, pointed guns at federal officials in another stand off, and most of them were found not guilty. But the government wants to lock someone up for laughing.

  • marxalot

    He gets so offended when people ask him to account for himself.

  • Wild Cat

    There’s Dwarf Porn. There’s Palin Porn. There’s Insect-Stomping Porn.

    How come the’s no Jeff Sessions Porn?

    • jesterpunk

      There might be but would anyone want to watch it?

      • Wild Cat

        People who believe starting infinite wars, jailing infinite people, and taxing only the poor might get their rocks off over it.

    • SomeBigRedDog

      Did you finally find the one thing on earth there’s not a porn of?

      • Wild Cat

        There’s no Porn Porn.

        • Thiazin Red

          That could actually be cool, a porn mockumentary like the Spinal Tap of porn.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos
          • Arolpin

            Early Parker & Stone that I still haven’t seen. “Along with Cannibal! The Musical.” It’s on the list, but I suspect it’s not really that great.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            yeah, I’ve never gotten into that one either.

          • aureolaborealis

            Cannibal was not so good. I tried to watch it a long time ago and couldn’t make it halfway through. Orgazmo is at least good for the references, which you will probably start seeing everywhere. Which is not to say it’s a good movie.
            High-point: Ron Jeremy doing martial arts.

          • Querolous

            Jizz Master Zero is a great nom de pr0n.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      OMG!! I fed “Insect-Stomping Porn” to the googlez and got all kinds of matches.

      Another data point in support of the Supremacy of Rule 34.

      ETA: I don’t have the fortitude to googlz “Jeff Sessions Porn”. Sorry.

      • Persistent Demme

        I went to the googles to help a Wonker understand “twerking.”
        I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          It’s brutal out there in the googlz.

    • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

      There’s prolly sessions pron but it’s not what you think it is. It’s likely the child pronography on his computer.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      I think we all know the answer to that. No demand.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Good people don’t have sex?

      • Covfefe

        In the South, they don’t need sex. They still use spontaneous generation.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      It’s on the dark web.

      • Arolpin

        Time to delete Tor I guess.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Okay… I can see that I won’t be eating anything for the rest of the day.

    • miss_grundy

      Eeeeewwwwwwwwww

  • davej1s
    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Inverse squee.

      • Boscoe

        eeuqs!

  • Shrieking Harpy

    Sorta OT: I’m home sick today with the flu. Can I please have some of the sympathy and care that this evil elf assumes is his birthright?

    • Parakeetist

      Hug

      • Shrieking Harpy

        Kiss.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Sorry to hear about you having that flu. I know it sucks. You will get better soon. Just hang in there.

      • Shrieking Harpy

        Thanks.

    • Proud Liberal
      • Shrieking Harpy

        Aw. Looking at that makes me feel old–like I want to tell kids about the olden times when things like “reality” and “truth” were reasonably stable concepts. (But they’d likely think I’m one of them crazy olds.)

    • Anna Elizabeth
      • Shrieking Harpy

        Thanks sweetie. Staying in bed on a Friday morning and reading Wonkette is the best medicine.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Yes it is. :) ~hugs~ are on standby as well.

      • Boscoe

        Is anyone else seeing big sqwishy bewbs on that pink pony? Sigh. I need a life…

        • Anna Elizabeth

          xD (those are her hooves)

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Donut work. The more I get out the more big sqwishy bewbs I see.

        • Historicat

          Well I am now!

    • Three Finger Salute
      • NastyBossetti

        :-( I’m wearing a Hip t-shirt today.

      • Shrieking Harpy

        Gary and TTH and a reasonably sane national leader–sigh. Thank you, I feel better already (although I’m gonna stay in bed for as long as possible.)

    • Persistent Demme

      Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!
      (Gatorade always helps me.)
      I hope you feel better soon!

      • Oblios_Cap

        I’ve always gone with the “alcohol kills germs” theory, myself.
        Feel better!

        • Shrieking Harpy

          Hmmmmm . . . Nah, better not. But thanks for the advice!

        • miss_grundy

          Perhaps a Hot Rum Toddy or some hot chocolate with something??

          • Oblios_Cap

            Capital suggestions!

      • Shrieking Harpy

        Thanks sweetie. I’m drinking hot sweet tea, a universal cure. (I’ve got the chills–cold sweat and all. Yuck.)

    • janecita
      • Shrieking Harpy

        Thanks!. If I feel better later today, I’m going to make some chicken soup. But I probably won’t–I’ll make my spawn cook something. Besides, staying in bed is too good to cut short.

  • Gorillionaire

    Sessions doesn’t even seem capable of defending hillbillies with DUI’s in a Alabamy courtroom. Why is he AG again?

  • dshwa

    If and when Mueller nails these guys, I think my enjoyment of watching this country fried racist shitgibbon getting nailed will be second only to Trump.

    • Blackest Noobs

      it won’t.

      • Proud Liberal

        I’m afraid you’re right. It’s going to be too late if the investigation goes on for another 2 or 3 years.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Can’t decide if Al Franken or Kamala Harris is my new spirit animal.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      And Kirsten Gillibrand… AOT,K…

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Why not both, like a particularly ferocious chimera?

  • “Look, Senator, if I have to remember every act of treason the Trump campaign committed in 2016, we’re going to be here for a long time…”

    • Proud Liberal

      Nailed it!

  • Crystalclear12

    Jeff, honey, look up the phrase “doth protest too much”.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      And the full quote is very apt:

      Hamlet – “Madam, how like you this play?”
      Queen Gertrude – “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    heh, Forbes gets a voicemail. Trump or just a fan of him?

    ““This message is for anyone in concern. I’m a supporter of Donald Trump. I love him and his very intelligent family. And this is like Forbes Magazine are in conspiracy to break this man financially, it seems. Donald Trump has more money than he ever had. So Forbes making noise about some three point something billion is fake news and therefore Forbes is on the drain-the-swamp list. Steve Bannon will make sure magazines and businesses like you will go down because Donald Trump is very intelligent, very handsome. His children are very beautiful, very handsome. They have the highest IQs than any racist or anybody in this county. And we love him, and he will continue to run this country, and his children will too. So f— Forbes Magazine, and you can stick that fake news up your ass.””

    • Anna Elizabeth

      “I was saying ‘Boo-Urns’.”

    • The Wanderer

      Sounds like a guy who tried to argue with me back on Wednesday.

      • Persistent Demme

        You had an argument with John Barron?!

    • Sounds like a Russian from a hacking organization.

    • NastyBossetti

      This sounds like a prank call.

    • miss_grundy

      Halloween prank??

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      Poe’s Law migrates to telecommunications.

    • Historicat

      Release the recording – I’ve always wondered what John Barron sounds like.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        IKR? Like Trump’s voice and speaking style is so…distinct.

    • CripesAmighty

      Da svedanya-click.

  • Covfefe

    Sessions is carrying on like he thinks he’s still a senator, talking about “his time” and getting offended by lack of the customary senatorial courtesy.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      He’d have more time to talk if he could eke out more than 4 words per minute.

      • Boscoe

        …and didn’t spend them all conveniently whining about how little time he has…

    • miss_grundy

      I kept wishing that Al would have said “reclaiming my time”.

  • That’s how the Keebler cookie crumbles.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Keebler makes crackers too.

      • miss_grundy

        I like the Townhouse crackers….

  • Dept. of Space Tacos
  • Proud Liberal

    OT, but question. What do you think?

    How Will Obama’s Message Play in Trump’s America?
    The former president reprised his favorite themes of hope and unity in his return to the campaign trail on Thursday.

    https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/10/obama-rally/543489/

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Fuck that, it isn’t Trump’s America. That asshole and his asshole followers are just squatting in our country until we can take it back and kick their sorry racist asses to the curb.

      • Proud Liberal

        Thank you Zippy! Best thing I’ve heard in a long time!

    • It doesn’t matter what Obama, or anyone else says. The wingnuts are now a cult.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Trump likes nothing better than an enemy to play off of. The uppity Kenyan Muslim has always been the perfect foil for his base. Problem is, Trumps behavior has been so bizarre and shameful that it’s hard for anyone but the 25% of the voters that belong to his cult to see anything but a positive contrast to Trump.
      That being said, I think Democrats want and need a war chief (with votes). They need a Joan of Arc, someone to lead them into election battle, not appeal to their better angels.

  • Persistent Demme

    I know it’s obvious, but Sessions and this “election” has really done a disservice to all the Democrats in the south.
    It must be hell for southern Wonkers.

    • chortlingdingo

      Honey, I’m used to disappointment. I live in Texas.

  • FZsdaughter

    Well, somebody might call that Senate hearings but I call it a fucking shithawk rodeo. WTF, America. Nobody has been driving the bus for a long time now, will you please fucking crash and start over? Kthxbye

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Uh oh. Video has surfaced of Rep. Wilson’s little talkie-talk at the FBI building dedication has surfaced. Guess who isn’t telling the truth.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      John Kelly is a nasty lying Trump shit pile of a fuck…

      • dshwa

        You know, it’s not like video recordings are new. How have people not figured out that there’s always a tape?

        • janecita

          They just don’t care. Their base will believe whatever they say, and the rest of the country can just go to hell.

          • cmd resistor

            And unfortunately many will continue to believe what Kelly said even if the video proves he lied.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Time to start mooning Kelly too.. I bet he takes that worse than Trump does…

          • dshwa

            True. Theyre going to send themselves to hell with us, that’s the problem.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Just have to lie again more incredulously if there’s video proof… That’ll fix it…

      • eggs ackly-wright

        I admire your eloquence and restraint.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        He’s retired, so no point in it. He can be court-martialed though.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          OK. Thank you… But, that would take someone pushing the issue… And it’s not like he shot an innocent kid on the sidewalk…

    • Augustus

      they are all full of gross stuff and lies

    • Arolpin

      Wait, you mean to say that someone associated with the ongoing criminal enterprise currently occupying the White House lied? That can’t be true, the video is fake, the deep state made it, IT WASN’T MY FAULT.

      At this point Kelly can either go out, apologize profusely, and take full responsibility or he can spend the rest of his life known as Lying Donnie’s Lying Liar. Fuck him with a tanker truck of votes.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Taking full responsibility would be to acknowledge that in this fight, over the decorum of respecting military dead, his lies dishonor the Marine Corps. He should resign and slink away to some sad, lonely retirement.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          At this point that’s all he can do. His honor is shot to hell.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        Even if Kelly wanted to, Trump would never allow him to admit that he’d “misspoken”. In Trumpworld, that’s weakness.

        • mysonsam

          God, I miss the days of shame, especially when you get caught in a fucking lie…

      • Rags

        Cue “I was just joking” in 3…2…1…

    • cmd resistor

      Amazing!

    • WotsAllThisThen

      A completely unnecessary, easily disproven lie? That’s the Trump administration in a nutshell.

    • PersianOregano

      Say what you will about her, that woman is no coward when it comes to picking out her wardrobe.

      • Last Hussar

        Approaching English levels of insult. Well done, well make a civilisation of you yet.

  • janecita

    Sessions, is the personified stereotype, of what Northerners think Southerners sound like. I can’t listen to the man speak for longer than a minute, he sounds like a moron.

    • Three Finger Salute

      You know he just wanted to say “Hesh up, you galldurn Yankee Jew!”

      • janecita

        You know it!

      • H0mer0

        Surprised that they haven’t admonished Franken for not conducting himself like a good “Christian” (like they told Kamala Harris to be “Sweet” (and make me a sammich!)

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I lived in the South for quite a while. Long enough to become quite used to a variety of Southern accents, and I even began to acquire a bit of one myself.

      That said, Sessions’ is the real-deal, old school, south central Alabama. That’s one of the hardest to get used to. And it sure doesn’t help that what he says is a bunch of pious or disingenuous horseshit.

    • Shibusa

      Somebody on the Twitter machine said Sessions’ accent is so hokey he sounds like a B actor playing Jeff Sessions.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      like?

      • janecita

        Touché:-)

  • Marla

    Session is weak

  • Dept. of Space Tacos
    • Marion in Savannah

      We’re FINALLY getting some cooler weather, but that was us pretty much all summer long.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        nice, it turned cold while I was at my test last night. Lightening in the distance.

        I love fall! But maybe its just cause it’s so goddamn hot here all the time.

        I just noticed the a/c unit. When I had one of those in Miami beach, I fucking slept right up next to it each night, it was that goddamn hot. I kinda got used to it and miss it.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      No pants…

    • Covfefe

      That’s the look they give when you’re trying to steal their seat.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • AJ Milne

      Y’know, I’d _just_ been wondering, watching the increasingly anxious weaselling on display here, if the guy might be an actual flight risk…

      (Hereby suggesting the bailiff attach a chain to the witness’ ears.)

  • Dept. of Space Tacos
  • weejee
  • MynameisBlarney

    OT, but TYT can lick my grundle.
    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029732264

    • Proud Liberal

      The lefties are going to help destroy this country too.

      • Three Finger Salute

        The last country that “won” a two-front war was… the United States.

        We won’t be the first to lose a two-front civil war.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        TYT are no lefties. TYT and Uyger are working with single-payer killer Joe Lieberman’s BFF*/dixiecrat who jumped the aisle when Reagan came in/fellow Bloomberg ‘centrist’ apparatchik Buddy Roemer to defeat Democrats _because they’re both so very, very interested in getting money out of politics_

        TYT are Nader running in 2004 with all-Republican backing.

        *he wanted him to be his VP candidate last time he ran for third party

    • I listened to one of their screeds this morning about how the Clintonistas have taken over the Democratic leadership or something. I passed out after about a minute of it.

    • janecita

      They have been terrible for a long, long time. This isn’t news.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Yup, sold out for that sweet wingnut cash long ago. TYT are a joke…

    • aureolaborealis

      Yeah. I stopped paying them any attention at least 18 months ago.

      • MynameisBlarney

        To be honest, I never really did.
        Cenk would sometimes say something noteworthy, but it was usually ober the top vitriol.

  • New and Improved Say Wha

    And where is the esteemed colleague, Rep. Joe Wilson (R. S.C.) when you need him?

  • miss_grundy

    Every time Jeff “Cracker Barrell” Sessions says something that would impinge on the constitutional rights of the American people I see the ACLU sharpening its legal knives. And I love the image that is in my head.

    • TakingAmes

      Srsly. He is so screwed. The ACLU has more money than God right now.

  • ibwilliamsi

    I think that they should have one of those chess clocks, or a stopwatch for the questioner and one for the witness. Then we could actually “tell time” – a little thing we used to do back in the day.

    • Even an egg timer–one of those old hourglass types.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        An egg timer would make a better attorney general.

        • Covfefe

          Don’t think that’ll work. JeffBo isn’t your regular whole egg. None of that yeller stuff. Only the egg whites

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Baseball-activated dunking booth.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    No, Jeff, you don’t have to sit there and take it. You can do the honorable thing and resign in disgrace.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      There is no one in the entire Donald disaster with any honor to protect by resigning.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Knowledge, signing up for things, etc.

    • aureolaborealis

      The Japanese have traditionally had a pretty effective course of action to take in cases like this. Cases of extreme shame and humiliation. Cases that call for some ultimate, unambiguous gesture of contrition.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        It’s changed now, though. Witness the Takata execs in front of Congress.

      • C4TWOMAN

        I’ll settle for him just going away.

    • mysonsam

      He’d still have to answer the perfectly reasonable questions coming his way though… little jeffy is uber fucked.

  • Nasty Woman Persisted
    • MynameisBlarney

      That is a look “I’m fucked!” if I ever saw one.

  • Mormos

    jesus! permission to treat the witness as hostile?

    he is being a sneaky southern lawyer. now he is changing his answer to “i had no IMPROPER discussions with russians … regarding a campaign.”

    all right mr sessions, what discussions did you have “regarding a campaign” & what, in your mind, constitutes improper?

    • OrG

      I don’t recall. Alberto Gonzalez’s record is in jeopardy.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      That there’s some selective memory… I do not recall what I discussed, but what I discussed was in no way improper… And piss poor lying…

    • WotsAllThisThen

      How he can answer the same question with “I don’t recall” and “Most definitely no” is the real trick.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I’m no lawyer, but isn’t there a ‘not responsive to the question’ thing in law?

    • AJ Milne

      ‘… What, in your mind, constitutes improper?’

      ‘Did the host properly offer his guests Иван and Владимир a proper mint julep? Ah do declare it’s the neglectin’ uh such courtesies is wut separates us from them thar savages.’

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I thought he couldn’t remember what he said.

  • canes_pugnaces
    • WotsAllThisThen

      What are they reporting? Uppity congresswoman attacks gold star general out of the blue for no reason?

      • canes_pugnaces

        And HRC is the real Russian agent because she did something…

        • mysonsam

          Those alleged people also have neglected to explain that uranium (it was uranium wasn’t it?) is forbidden by law to leave the country. A Russian may own but they’re rather limited in what they can do with it.

          I am a little curious about how he came to own it, however…

        • irishdave3

          Ben Gauzy, God’s Own Party’s favorite lap dancer was in on it too. also….

      • canes_pugnaces
  • GoutMachine

    Jesus Christ, I want to punch him in the dick with any votes I have left to give. Answer the goddamn question!

    It’s so unfair!!!!! He got to say four more words than me, Chuck! WAAAAAAAAHHHH!

    • Serai 1

      I don’t understand why the clock doesn’t get stopped when people stonewall.

  • OrG

    Lying little fuck.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Eagerly awaiting “Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, Volume Also-Two”.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Marion in Savannah

      Not gonna watch that. Nope.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      “So what do you call your combination of tax cuts and ACA repeal?”

      “The Aristocrats!”

    • All the news headlines are running with ‘Paul Ryan cracks trump jokes’. I imagine this will go over well in the White House.

      • irishdave3

        Speaking of cracks, are Saint Paul of TARP US and the replicant Mala Norma an item? She’s finds a sense of humor in a man to be a turn on you know….

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      upfist for the Heavy Metal reference.

  • Electric Ukulele Land

    Sessions demands respect from Franken he does not reciprocate — characterizing the initial question that sparked this furor as convoluted is disingenuous and not an excuse for mis-stating the facts with a blanket denial that later turned out not to be true. Having seen Sessions get riled up with indignity so often, one does get the impression it’s more schtick than genuine emotion — or at the very least Sessions has no interest in engaging in some emotional regulation to keep the conversation civil, perhaps because he doesn’t see that as being to his advantage. It’s one thing to be caught off guard and get flustered, it’s another thing to come into a hearing knowing you will be asked something and start into this whole spiel with the tenor that he does.

    • H0mer0

      You are right! I wonder if his arguments are written on his hand for him to pull out in order to stonewall.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      “the initial question that sparked this Führer”

      FTFY!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Remember how Trey Gowdy wanted to charge Hillary with perjury because she said the FBI exonerated her? Fuck that guy too.

    • irishdave3

      Trey, in the Land of Cheesus and Crackas, is that Deuce and a Half or more aDouche plus one…

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    there’s a killermartinis post up.

    Ye gods, take your cut animal pics and gifs with you. (iit’s a beautiful moving post, don’t get me wrong, just very sad).

    • AJ Milne

      It really does have a certain punch to the gut quality.

      I’m in public. Probably best to read it later.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      And yet she still managed to make 95% of the article about her, as she always does.
      (No, I’m not a fan.)

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        The Gorsuch one is an exception.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          The one from back in April? That one wasn’t bad. But you’re right, it is an exception.
          I’m glad we’ve got 5$F now for the law-talkin’ stuff.

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            No, today’s. But I feel you.

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            Now I think I am mixing my bloggers up.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Yeah, today’s was 5$F. I like her a lot.
            I had to look back in the archives because I was thinking I didn’t recall KM writing about him and wanted to make sure I wasn’t wrong. And that piece really wasn’t bad.

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            All women look the same to me.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Easy mistake!

      • Harbinger08

        She writes from her personal perspective. Some like it, some don’t. I’m one who does.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          Eh, there’s personal perspective and then there’s injecting yourself into a piece in a self-congratulatory way, but it’s just my personal taste that I find it more often than not to be inappropriate.
          I mostly just skim her stuff anymore anyway. It’s not like we’re forced to pay tons of money for Wonkette’s mostly excellent content.

          • Harbinger08

            It is your personal taste, whatever that’s worth. Judging from the thread and its responses it seems to be very well received. So it is of value to them, too bad you got nothing out of it.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            I haven’t been monitoring the thread because it doesn’t matter one way or another.
            Why are you still trying to argue about this?

          • Harbinger08

            You were the one who first chimed in. To get attention, I thought. Or was it just an opportunity to work your grudge? If someone keeps replying they might expect a response. If you don’t want one then just shut up.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Get a grip. Jesus.
            Buh bye.

          • Harbinger08

            You’re one of those who always has to reply back? Why is that? Is it the same reason you felt like slamming a writer who you say you read but you don’t like?

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    well shit:

    Police in Gainesville, Florida on Thursday arrested three white men in connection to a shooting that took place following a speech by avowed white supremacist Richard Spencer.

    Tyler Tenbrink, William Fears and Colton Fears—two of whom police say have known ties to extremist organizations—are being held in the Alachua County Jail on charges of attempted homicide after allegedly firing on another group of people during a violent encounter shortly after Spencer’s speech.

    According to police, the trio argued with and threatened a group of protestors demonstrating against Spencer, who was addressing a small crowd at the University of Florida Phillips Center for Performing Arts.

    The men reportedly began threatening to “f*cking kill” and “shoot” the protestors, before eventually offering the Nazi salute and shouting “Hail Hitler.” Police say Tenbrink, a convicted felon, fired the shot. One of the protestors managed to write down the license plate of the silver Jeep the three men were riding in.

    • TundraGrifter

      Obviously a false flag.

    • Cat Cafe

      How Putin is enjoying this.

  • Proud Liberal
    • Shibusa

      And what they don’t ‘win’ by gerrymandering, they’ll steal by way of voter suppression.

      • Cat Cafe

        Hell, they’ll hack into the voter data bases and purge them of any “Democrats” and if that fails, they’ll hack into the voting machines and change the votes.

        • Jukesgrrl

          If you have a common name like Jennifer Johnson or Thomas Anderson, only the person with that name who is Republican will be allowed to vote. Every other one will be purged from the voter roles because … Soros copy cats.

    • aureolaborealis

      Extreme Redistricting …

      I don’t care for these new X-Games events.

      Edit: I ended up googling to see if the X-Games still exist. They do.

      • guppy06

        How about XXX-Games?

        • irishdave3

          O God, I’m coming….

    • Zyxomma

      What would happen if EVERYONE who’s registered as a Democrat actually got off his/her ass and VOTED in every election, every year?

      Do what you can to help. If someone needs money or a ride or your high-speed internet access to get documents for photo ID (if you’re in one of those states), HELP. If someone needs a ride to get registered, or to vote, HELP.

      In NY, we don’t need photo ID. There’s no early voting or by-mail voting here, apart from absentee ballots. I live so close to my polling place, I can walk there in five minutes. However, I’m aware that’s not true for most in this country. VOTE.

  • Viktor

    I’m hoping and praying the intel intercepts of phone calls of “Lil Jeff Sessions” contradicts all his testimony and he gets totally Muellerized.

    • irishdave3

      Well..Recuuuse me!

  • Poly_Ester

    The phrase “dissembling idiot” has a picture of Sessions next to it.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Sessions demands more deference and collegiality from his former colleagues than he gets from Trump? Is that about it? Well, fuck that, I would tell him.

  • Debra Dassow

    If there is a hell, all of these racist GOP asshats will be there. Hell for them will be tied down in a slave ship for eternity.

    • miss_grundy

      Actually, they will be the slaves…..in hell.

    • Dogshouse

      Their hell will be an endless congressional hearing with Franken and Kamala Harris pwning them eternally, but they have no mouths to respond. Well, demons in the shape of Franken and Harris (which would make for a good 2020 ticket, btw).

    • Jesse

      They should spend eternity as the prizes at a gay auction to raise money for planned parenthood and inner city schools.

  • Red Bird

    But we had to endured how many hearings on Bengazi?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      She sat there patiently answering questions for 11 hours. Jefferson couldn’t take five minutes without whining.

      • Red Bird

        Another reason why she should have been elected. Pearls before swine.

      • SnowBomber

        Uh, hello? That batch of E.L. Fudge isn’t going to frost itself.

    • Zyxomma

      Aren’t they still going on?

    • SnowBomber

      Not just an endless number of hearings but six separate investigations (and shovel head Gowdy actually, seriously wants to open one more).

      • mysonsam

        Gowdy can just fuck right right off with that shit… dear God we have bigger problems than rehashing leftovers from years ago.

        • Jukesgrrl

          And one of our biggest problems appears now to be Chad, which is Benghazi 2.0. See, Gowdy, it can happen to anyone. But if you wanna keep investigatin’, try a new subject.

    • I know right? Why is this guy still in government? Every time i hear another new cruelty edict, i get infuriated.

  • TundraGrifter

    My favorite part was Sen. Franken’s deadpan statement that AG Sessions had met with the Russians because the Russian Ambassador was, well, Russian.

    • mysonsam

      Can you believe that we have come to this? That is a true thing that was said?!

  • Thorn Spike

    “I did not have communication relations with that country.”

    • Theodore Rigley

      I suppose it depends on the definition of ‘is’.

      • SDGeoff3

        He’s still trying to define “Russia”. Poor thang.

  • Stulexington

    Um, can’t he reclaim his time like Miss awesome did?

    • guppy06

      Why? It seems pretty clear that leaving JBSIII enough rope to hang himself with by answering the wrong questions has its advantages.

      • Stulexington

        yes, so why not keep asking the same question to see what else falls out?

  • Whollyholeyholy

    I have been saying that he must always be called Jeffuhsuhn Bohregahrd Seshuns thuh Thuhrd in a booming Tommy Lee Jones as Thaddeus Stevens voice, but I will now accept Cracker Barrel, Butterscotch, or Racist Cocktail Weenie as substitutes.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The voice of Foghorn Leghorn is what I always hear.

      • phoenix00

        At least that rooster got to the point.

    • Ross Garner

      Poisoned Dwarf fits.

  • Impatient

    Did Sessions just ‘move the goalposts’ again at the end? Saying something like ‘I did not have CONTINUING exchange of information.’ [my emphasis] What a cute lil weasel!

    • mysonsam

      That is exactly what the little shit gibbon did.

      • Ducksworthy

        Quibbling stoat is a traitor.

      • I want this guy out on his ass in disgrace even more than trump i think.

        Not sure why but he sets my hair on fire.

        • mysonsam

          It’s the bare assed lies coupled with his knowing smirk that makes my teeth itch.

          • Wee Mousie

            It is not a usual thing with me to have a hankering to punt narrow-shouldered little bald men half-way to next Wednesday, but as Sessions sputtered out his weaselly words, that very same desire grew and grew in my breast.

    • SDGeoff3

      Such a dickens he is.

    • this country says it’s about

      He spoke like a true lawyer. Nothing but oral gymnastics.

  • whitroth

    On the one hand, he does have the right to not discuss what he spoke about with Trump, that does fall under executive privilege. On the other hand, he’s lying left, right, up and down, and that’s lying to Congress, which is more than slightly an offence. Of course, if we get rid of him, who the hell…oh, that’s right, Rod Rosenstein will be in charge… Sack the Scum! Demote him to Attorney Colonel Cracker, or maybe Attorney Major Cracker….

    • Michael Kinsella

      Uh, not really. Only the *resident can Invoke executive privilege regarding discussions with the elfin racist. And *rump has not done so. Ergo, no EP. Also too, JBS is not the *residents lawyer (he is OUR lawyer), *rump has his own. Ergo, no attorney/client privilege.

      • sarafina

        JBS sure doesn’t seem like “OUR” lawyer.

        • Michael Kinsella

          Yes, too true, nor does he act like it. A thread I was reading on another site pointed out that previous AGs that put their allegiance to the President before their duty to the country (e.g., Mitchell and Kleindienst) were tried and convicted in the crimes that ensued.

          • sarafina

            That sounds nice.

  • Ducksworthy

    Whine and crackers. Delicious. (Poor old liar.)

    • this country says it’s about

      Good one!

  • Suttree

    When do we get to see if he floats?

    • Unconscience

      they all float down there…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Keep flushing…

    • Wee Mousie

      It’s just their ethics that are under water.

    • Shartiblartfat

      Sessions is a floater, all right; he’ll need to be made into a few pieces before he’ll flush properly!

  • armed_bears

    Franken 2020.

    Too soon?

    • Mr. White

      He keeps claiming he is not interested. He doesnt seem to enjoy the campaign slog from what I gleaned from his book. Cant blame him.

      • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

        His book is a fascinating look inside the old boys’ club from an outsider who becomes a member and has to learn the ropes. He is always one of the smartest people in the room, and he has a top-flight staff.

        • sarafina

          Yes, the book was good. Franken’s a good compaigner, once the ‘Stu the Jew’ situation clarified his thinking.

    • rielly

      Nope :-)

  • Sean Jungian

    I had to laugh when Jefferson Beauregard Sessions trotted out that old chestnut “Ah’m just an ol’ prosecutor” like “Ah’m just an ol’ country chicken lawyer” https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0d4916a4fe1623a18b06b6c259fd5701cf6f878b086c4844a6eb2bea5561a824.jpg

  • Duke

    The days are getting short and soon it’ll be a few months with ice and snow covering everything but I get to vote for Franken every sixth year.

    • HooverVilles

      I get the ice and snow but not the opportunity to vote for Franken. :-(

      On the other hand, I do get to vote for Schumer and Gillabrand.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        True story… down here, it’s mostly slush and grim cold, but I struggle through it for the chance to cast my vote for Kirsten and yes, even Chuckles.

    • Peggy Ryan

      I get ice and snow and Walker and Johnson. Sad.

  • Jukesgrrl

    I saw Mrs. Beauregard in the front row, all ready to bitch-slap any senator who tried to make her little hubby say “Putin.” He’s kind of a wuss but I wouldn’t mess with her.

    • LadyLaz

      We southern ladies are well named Steele magnolias. Sadly, not always for good.

  • Delu

    And here we have the Trumpian troll defense as demonstrated kindly by the vulnerable….I mean, venerable Jeff sessions.

  • Joe Monte
    • Sara F Williamson

      Please don’t insult the adorable Keebler Elves. They don’t deserve to be associated with JBS. Even tho he does look a little like them.

      • Petunia Cat

        Agreed.
        He looks like Henry Gibson from Laugh-In. If Henry Gibson were pure evil. Yes, Laugh-In! I remember Watergate. And sir, this is no Watergate! For one thing it’s taking way too fucking long. 😩

  • irishdave3

    c’mon J.D. Blowhard the Turd knows that Franken is one of them tricky Judeos!

    • ACertainFish

      You can practically hear Jefferson Peckerwood Sessions III say, “How dare you talk to me like that, Jew Boy?”

      • SDGeoff3

        I bet it is in the transcript.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        I liked that he tried to remind him that they’d always had a good relationship on the committee, like Franken owed him a mulligan on this because Mrs. Butterbean crocheted a babby blankie for a Franken grandchild.

      • M.E. Lawrence

        Now, now, ACF. You’re mind reading. However, having duly reminded us about the presumption of innocence, to paraphrase Gary Trudeau, “Yes, he’s GUILTY! That’s guilty, guilty, guilty!”

        https://img.washingtonpost.com/pbox.php?url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/comic-riffs/wp-content/uploads/sites/15/2014/04/DOONESBURY-1973-strip.gif&op=noop

        (But I must admit that ol’ Jeff is one fine prevaricator, Never underestimate a right-wing racist attorney.)

        • ACertainFish

          Let us not forget that Megaphone Mark Slackmeyer was correct in his assessment :-)

  • Deborah Ujevich

    THE AMBASSADOR FROM RUSSIA IS RUSSIAN!! was great. I recently had a friend tell me that he was pleasantly surprised by Franken, considering his provenance. Haha, not me!! Franken has ALWAYS been political, & SMART. I’m thrilled he’s banked some credibility & can now unleash his acerbic humor again.

  • phoenix00

    Sessions: all of those nasty adjectives, now also snowflake.

  • Tj McGee Wright

    MR CHAIRPERSON, this dirty northern unionist is attemptin’ to sully MAH HONOR, my gentlemanhood an’ how peachy white my skin is! Whats this great nation comin too when a little ol’time southern lawyerman can’t be given all the benefit of the doubt with sum Iced tea? N i took the time to come here today! Like I says all a long- I never had oral sex with them Russians any day and any tuesday! AND now he’s framing it all differently! DOWNRIGHT INDECENT’!

  • The Librarian

    Keep dangling Sessions’ feet over the flames of justice, Mr. Franken. Eventually, he’ll catch fire.

  • dieselox

    You put: limited mental capacity for understanding anthing as your foundation, then pile on feelings of being god’s chosen one, because faith, some old age, throw in power and corruption and abject hypocrisy-bred-cynicism-everyone-does-anything-they-can-to-get-ahead-AynRandyism-so-what’s-the-big-deal-about (fuck this dash shit), were they really actual Russian hookers and blow on those tapes they sent me of myself???, oh shit! This is what you get.

    Jeff Sessions.

  • Erala Contratista

    Aaaaand…Lil’ Jeff is The Bird’s target for today! Coincidence?
    I think not!
    She’s only just begunnnn (hums tunelessly)

  • Just saying

    OMG CNN caught me out on my lies before I had a chance to change my lies!!!

    11:37 The Russia Ambassador is Russia <3

  • King Beauregard

    Let me state for the record that my screen name comes from a long-deceased but still-beloved cat of mine. Beauregard T. Cat would not waste Al Franken’s time, and would probably catch him a mouse. Or possibly even “catch” him a loaf of bread, as he once did for me. Best cat ever.

    • BigOnion

      That reminds me, I forgot to dope up my cat. Some catnip for my little sparrow-murderer, coming right up!

  • akita96th

    Sessions, is a shit weasel and will always a shit weasel be. He was anointed by the biggest shit weasel of all times,Trump the greatest of all shit weasels and surrounded by an army of ignorant turd polishers and shit cleaners.

  • Atomic Rat

    “…It was just for sex, we guess. …”

    Actually… he was talking with the Russians about adopting. Republicans apparently adopt a lot of children from Russia. And I’m sure the Alabama cracker was specifically interested in a black Russian.

  • Bangkok Taxi

    Sessions seems under the impression that he gets to decide whether he has been a bad boy or not.
    In children it can endure. In an ‘adult’ it’s called arrogance.

  • blaid droog

    He gets rattled so easily. The dimwits should jerk his chain, harder, more often.

  • Alec Fredericks

    I guess I’m interpreting the exchange a little differently. While I think Sessions is a loathsome creature, I think Franken missed his opportunity to do real damage. Session’s response to Leahy, claiming he couldn’t recall if any substantive conversations occurred with the Russians regarding the campaign, should have been piled onto Franken’s original line of questioning regarding Session’s “moving the goalposts.” It seemed Franken got too caught up with his crib sheet while Sessions brought back into context the original partial quote Franken used, which helped to diffuse Franken’s efforts. While Franken did reference the Leahy/Sessions exchange, he didn’t use it as a way to show how Sessions was tearing down the goalposts by admitting he couldn’t recall conversations. That sort of defense is tantamount to admission of guilt but it just lingered there without proper challenge.

    Sadly, this article represents the kind of distortion of the truth intended to do nothing but rile up a base that needs to be thinking more deeply about politics, policy and legislation as it truly is, instead of foaming about the mouth and nostrils over a minor exchange.

    I’d like nothing more for Franken or any other member of Congress to use Session’s nuts as a very tiny speed bag, but this isn’t it. It’s better to say they were both flicking at each other’s nuts but they were missing low each time.

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